Married guy with secret relationship with female friend

[Mrs. John Adams]

Autumn...i agree 100% with your post. I have tried for days to get pen to see this....

 

I think he will get there.....i pray he does...and i hope he falls passionately back in love with his wife.

[MightyPen]

I'm not so sure it's easy to just "fall back passionately in love" with someone, but I'm doing my best.

 

I'm responding to my friend today - I'm still not sure what I'm going to say exactly, but I feel I need to say something that will either change everything or end everything, one of the two. This break/"limbo" thing was helpful to give me time to think, but it's time for action now.

 

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post their thoughts. I know you wouldn't do that if you didn't care.

[MadJackBird]

Your making this closure letter way too big of a deal then you need to. Just end things simply and focus all your energy on fixing your marriage.

 

Unless you don't really want to be married.

[Michelle ma Belle]

As far as I see it you need to burn the f*cking bridge.

 

I know you think you're doing her and your secret affair a great service and honoring it by giving it such thoughtful and sensitive "closure", where you're reminiscing about all the wonderful times you had together, and how she fulfilled things you didn't even know were lacking, reassuring her with lines like "in another lifetime..." just proves to me that on a subconscious level you're still clinging to the hope that you will reconnect with her again. When that will be or how that will unfold is still to be determined but you're pretty much leaving the door propped open for the both of you. And THAT is dangerous.

 

You want to be done with this? You want to commit to your wife and your family? You want to give your marriage a serious go without distractions? Then burn down the f*cking bridge so there is no chance of crossing it again.

 

That's where you'll find your integrity again.

 

Good luck.

[MadJackBird]

As far as I see it you need to burn the f*cking bridge.

 

I know you think you're doing her and your secret affair a great service and honoring it by giving it such thoughtful and sensitive "closure", where you're reminiscing about all the wonderful times you had together, and how she fulfilled things you didn't even know were lacking, reassuring her with lines like "in another lifetime..." just proves to me that on a subconscious level you're still clinging to the hope that you will reconnect with her again. When that will be or how that will unfold is still to be determined but you're pretty much leaving the door propped open for the both of you. And THAT is dangerous.

 

You want to be done with this? You want to commit to your wife and your family? You want to give your marriage a serious go without distractions? Then burn down the f*cking bridge so there is no chance of crossing it again.

 

That's where you'll find your integrity again.

 

Good luck.

 

+1. This is what I've been trying to say. Thanks for saying it so much more eloquently.

[MightyPen]

Well, I did it.

 

I sent her a goodbye email today. I said I'd keep my email account active for a few more days so she could respond if she wanted to, and then I would delete my account.

 

Now I just need to decide now if hanging around LS will help me handle all the mixed emotions I'm feeling right now, or if posting on here will just make me think about her every single time.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well, I did it.

 

I sent her a goodbye email today. I said I'd keep my email account active for a few more days so she could respond if she wanted to, and then I would delete my account.

 

Now I just need to decide now if hanging around LS will help me handle all the mixed emotions I'm feeling right now, or if posting on here will just make me think about her every single time.

 

I know that wasn't easy but it's a very good start.

 

Personally, I think being around here, whether you're posting or just reading WILL help you in the long run.

 

[CarrieT]

Well, I did it.

Congratulations.

 

I sent her a goodbye email today. I said I'd keep my email account active for a few more days so she could respond if she wanted to, and then I would delete my account.

Bad move. Should have said that the email account would be closed IMMEDIATELY so that she could not respond.

 

You are leaving breadcrumbs and hoping for some yourself.

 

Now I just need to decide now if hanging around LS will help me handle all the mixed emotions I'm feeling right now, or if posting on here will just make me think about her every single time.

We'll help you get through it. Stick around!

[MightyPen]

Congratulations.

 

 

Bad move. Should have said that the email account would be closed IMMEDIATELY so that she could not respond.

 

You are leaving breadcrumbs and hoping for some yourself.

 

 

We'll help you get through it. Stick around!

 

 

I just couldn't be that abrupt. It seemed unfair for me to get to say goodbye but then turn around and rob her of the ability to do so.

 

I did say I would read her reply but I wouldn't respond to it. So her reply would be the last thing said between us. She would "get the last word," so to speak.

Edited October 9, 2015 by MightyPen

[MightyPen]

I know that wasn't easy but it's a very good start.

 

Personally, I think being around here, whether you're posting or just reading WILL help you in the long run.

 

 

 

Haha if I can be honest, your "burn the f*cking" bridge advice helped get me over the hump. I'm trying to laugh right now because I'm a hot mess and already have these feelings that I made a horrible mistake (which I know is not true or even logical).

[autumnnight]

Haha if I can be honest, your "burn the f*cking" bridge advice helped get me over the hump. I'm trying to laugh right now because I'm a hot mess and already have these feelings that I made a horrible mistake (which I know is not true or even logical).

 

Your emotions are going to rage against the decision you just made.

 

Your emotions are wrong.

 

Just stay busy, focus on your wife, and ride it out.

[Mrs. John Adams]

pen

 

I still do not agree with the way you handled this...but i guess you know what is best for you

 

please remember....your wife has no clue that you have had this emotional affair.....think about how you would feel if this was reversed...how would you feel...how would you react if your wife was doing what you have done?

 

and act accordingly

[Gloria25]

pen

 

I still do not agree with the way you handled this...but i guess you know what is best for you

 

please remember....your wife has no clue that you have had this emotional affair.....think about how you would feel if this was reversed...how would you feel...how would you react if your wife was doing what you have done?

 

and act accordingly

 

He sent a letter to the OW ending it. At least he did not try to do that "middle ground" thing he wanted to do.

 

I say forget it, and move on. The wife was not damaged in anyway. He didn't stop caring, loving, etc for her and the kids. Actually, this experience has opened up an opportunity for them to strengthen their marriage.

 

Now, if he starts trolling the net and/or speaking to the OW and/or ANY WOMAN - then yes, I believe he needs to stop this and let his wife know, cuz now we're talking about a pattern of conduct instead of a one time deviation.

 

What is it with some people who are like "confessionals"? Geesh

[Mrs. John Adams]

Gloria...she is not damaged because she does not know...

 

and by his own admission...he does not "love" his wife the way he did..and infidelity never strengthens a relationship.....i promise

 

he has been very active on "several" sites...he has certainly been searching...reread the thread and then go read his other threads.

 

The man KNOWS what he has done is wrong....he wants to make it right...he wants to cling to his family

 

You are single...have never been married and are the other woman in a relationship. Your perspective on this is certainly going to be different than mine.

[Gloria25]

Gloria...she is not damaged because she does not know...

 

But if he stopped the behavior, what is telling her gonna do?

 

Lemme give you an example.

 

I asked a ex friend of mine to watch my dog (well, she offered and insisted) cuz I had to go out of town for like two months. I told her not to leave her outside, cuz she escapes.

 

She called me, half way through training, to tell me that the dog escaped and that animal control almost locked her up, but didn't.

 

I spent the rest of the training worried and could not concentrate because after I told her not to let the dog out, she did and even had the gall to get into an argument with me.

 

It would have been better she told me upon my return from my trip because her telling me half way through my training just made me unable to concentrate and upset, worried, and sleepless.

 

So, in the OP's case, what is telling his wife going to achieve if he stopped the behavior. If you read his posts he said he stopped trolling websites, and the only thing was his contact with the OW - which stopped today. Additionally, he has not stopped treating his wife well throughout this time he was chatting with the OW.

 

SO, again, what is telling his wife gonna do at this point if he stopped? She's never gonna trust him, always be sneaking on him, she's gonna be upset, she's probably really not gonna want to work on the marriage, etc.

 

When you "Tell" someone something, you gotta ask yourself what your end point is. What do you need them to do with the info. He slipped up and corrected himself. No harm, no foul. To open this can of worms by telling his wife?

 

I agree with him telling his wife "if" he dare go back and speak to the OW, any other women and/or troll websites again and/or come up with more reasons why he feels his wife is falling short in X, Y, or Z.

 

If I were his wife, I would not want to know unless he continued the behavior. And while I've never been married - I was in a situation where a guy "told" me about him cheating and the RL ended cuz I got paranoid and just couldn't trust him anymore. And "why" did he tell me? Cuz I didn't say ILY in barely 3 months of dating and he wanted to "test" me. Ok, good, he ruined our RL. He shouldn't have told me a thing and just let me know he was teeed off cuz I didn't say ILY back.

[Mrs. John Adams]

gloria...

 

there are plenty of affairs that happen that the wayward does not confess and i will even say that they may live the rest of their lives in secrecy....and the spouse will never find out. and there have been times...that i have wondered if i did the right thing in telling my husband...i could have kept my very short affair a secret..and he probably would never have found out.

 

I do believe that confession helps to keep the wayward accountable....and helps to keep them from recommitting adultery.

 

Only Pen can determine if confession is the right thing to do. He knows he is vulnerable...he knows he is not passionately and deeply in love with his wife. Does he need to confess? Will it help him to remain accountable?

I don't know.

 

I do know that most recommend that honesty is important...that confession is the right way to heal....

 

i don't know where we would be had i just kept my mouth shut....i chose to confess...i chose to tell him every detail he asked for. Was it the right thing to do? I hope so....we are 43 years married...32 years past DDAY. would we still be here without my confession?

I don't know. But i did what i thought was the right thing to do.....

[MightyPen]

Short update:

 

She responded. I read it. It was the perfect goodbye. I deleted my email account. I'm giving my wife 100% now. So if I bitch about my wife in a thread moving forward, no one can say I'm comparing her to the OW.

 

Thanks to all the players who helped me get over the hump. It was a long weekend but now I have work to distract me.

[CarrieT]

She responded. I read it. It was the perfect goodbye. I deleted my email account.

Good job!

 

So if I bitch about my wife in a thread moving forward, no one can say I'm comparing her to the OW.

Not necessarily true. Your head will remain in Affair Fog for a while and it is only natural that you will continue to compare your wife to the OW for some time.

 

There will be days when you question your decision(s) and will wonder what life would have been like had you driven down the other path. The crux is to continue to move forward and do all the things in your life - with your wife - to build a strong future with her and your family.

[MightyPen]

Good job!

 

 

Not necessarily true. Your head will remain in Affair Fog for a while and it is only natural that you will continue to compare your wife to the OW for some time.

 

There will be days when you question your decision(s) and will wonder what life would have been like had you driven down the other path. The crux is to continue to move forward and do all the things in your life - with your wife - to build a strong future with her and your family.

 

 

Okay, point taken.

 

But still I reeeeally don't want posters to automatically say, "You're comparing your wife to the OW!" whenever I post a legitimate complaint. Not EVERYTHING has/had to do with her, and getting a knee jerk reaction from posters won't help me work through the other issues.

 

And actually I aired some grievances last night about stuff that had been pissing me off. I think my wife was surprised but she listened.

[MightyPen]

Short update:

 

I have a Facebook account I use for a business project, and the other night, my friend "liked" something I wrote. There has been NO other contact since her response email I mentioned two weeks ago.

 

Should I just ignore this? I mean, I don't want to overreact or anything. She probably just clicked "like" on impulse or force of habit. I'm not mad at her or anything.

 

But of course when I saw it I immediately thought about her for the next 30 minutes while vegging out on the sofa.

[Bittersweetie]

Short update:

 

I have a Facebook account I use for a business project, and the other night, my friend "liked" something I wrote. There has been NO other contact since her response email I mentioned two weeks ago.

 

Should I just ignore this? I mean, I don't want to overreact or anything. She probably just clicked "like" on impulse or force of habit. I'm not mad at her or anything.

 

But of course when I saw it I immediately thought about her for the next 30 minutes while vegging out on the sofa.

 

If you're serious about no contact and moving forward, then not only should you not be FB friends, she should be blocked so that she can't even see your stuff.

[MightyPen]

If you're serious about no contact and moving forward, then not only should you not be FB friends, she should be blocked so that she can't even see your stuff.

 

 

Well it's a business page so we're not even FB friends. She had just previously "liked" the page so she gets updates and such. I don't know if I have authority to erase her or if she'd have to "unlike" it to avoid getting the messages. I'm not a FB pro. I also don't want to hurt her feelings needlessly. Again, it was probably done out of habit; something our finger does in a split second.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Short update:

 

I have a Facebook account I use for a business project, and the other night, my friend "liked" something I wrote. There has been NO other contact since her response email I mentioned two weeks ago.

 

Should I just ignore this? I mean, I don't want to overreact or anything. She probably just clicked "like" on impulse or force of habit. I'm not mad at her or anything.

 

But of course when I saw it I immediately thought about her for the next 30 minutes while vegging out on the sofa.

 

Of course you should ignore it. What other option do you have apart from getting back into the deep end with her again? There is no middle ground with this woman so let it go. You already gave it enough time and energy.

[minimariah]

Can men and women ever just be "buddies" (as same-sex friends might be) if they are attracted to each other and value each other's intelligence, sense of humor, opinions and companionship?

 

sure - but those friendships need firm boundaries. so i don't think you can be CLOSE friend with someone you're super attracted to. friends as in occasional chat and grabbing drinks together? for sure. it's essentially to know yourself, recognize your behavior for what it is and set up firm boundaries. not many people are capable of doing that though.

 

Should I just ignore this?

 

unless you want to re-start your friendship with her - yes. just like you would ignore every other random like.

[MightyPen]

sure - but those friendships need firm boundaries. so i don't think you can be CLOSE friend with someone you're super attracted to. friends as in occasional chat and grabbing drinks together? for sure. it's essentially to know yourself, recognize your behavior for what it is and set up firm boundaries. not many people are capable of doing that though.

 

Yeah we tried to institute boundaries after a few months of talking...we both realized the slippery slope and made a good faith effort to avoid it...but yeah it didn't work.

 

I've finally made myself acknowledge that after all the talks where we'd tell each other things no one else in the world knows about us, that I had fallen for her...something akin to love...probably the strongest you can feel about someone in a relationship based on video chats and phone calls.

 

And yes I really want to move on...I don't really have any choice but to do so. That one simple "like" just made me think of all of this again.