Married guy with secret relationship with female friend

[MightyPen]

Of course you should ignore it. What other option do you have apart from getting back into the deep end with her again? There is no middle ground with this woman so let it go. You already gave it enough time and energy.

 

I just meant should I take some action in response to it?

 

Again, I'm not an expert on the ins and outs of FB, and it's not like she sat down and wrote me some message or something. She just clicked. It's not like I can act like she doesn't exist anymore. I can find her direct phone number on her employer's web page in like 3 seconds. I can't block everything.

 

Just now I was thinking about one of our last conversations which was an attempt to (once again) find a "middle ground." And we agreed that if we put our heads together, we could probably accomplish pretty much anything (her IQ is even higher than mine), but it was a total failure. We would have needed to set clear boundaries from the very beginning for it to have any chance, and considering how we met, that was pretty damn unlikely to happen.

Edited October 22, 2015 by MightyPen

[Michelle ma Belle]

I just meant should I take some action in response to it?

 

Again, I'm not an expert on the ins and outs of FB, and it's not like she sat down and wrote me some message or something. She just clicked. It's not like I can act like she doesn't exist anymore. I can find her direct phone number on her employer's web page in like 3 seconds. I can't block everything.

 

Just now I was thinking about one of our last conversations which was an attempt to (once again) find a "middle ground." And we agreed that if we put our heads together, we could probably accomplish pretty much anything (her IQ is even higher than mine), but it was a total failure. We would have needed to set clear boundaries from the very beginning for it to have any chance, and considering how we met, that was pretty damn unlikely to happen.

 

As far as I can tell you can't block "likes" on business or fan pages, or at least I haven't been able to figure it out on any of the ones I have for work and I just checked again to be sure. As far as I see it she's not really respecting your need for NC but that's not unusual in cases like yours.

 

Ignore it. No action required. Pretend like you didn't see it. Do not read into it any more. Business as usual MP. Like I said before, you've already wasted enough time and energy on that one "like". Be done with it now.

[MightyPen]

As far as I can tell you can't block "likes" on business or fan pages, or at least I haven't been able to figure it out on any of the ones I have for work and I just checked again to be sure. As far as I see it she's not really respecting your need for NC but that's not unusual in cases like yours.

 

Ignore it. No action required. Pretend like you didn't see it. Do not read into it any more. Business as usual MP. Like I said before, you've already wasted enough time and energy on that one "like". Be done with it now.

 

 

Thanks for checking. At least I don't feel like a FB moron now.

[minimariah]

Yeah we tried to institute boundaries after a few months of talking...we both realized the slippery slope and made a good faith effort to avoid it...but yeah it didn't work.

 

it never works after you already made a connection. you need to set those boundaries (in the future) right away. it you see a woman you feel really connected to in the first conversation with her and you think "wow... she is HOT" - you either go on with it and cheat or (if you want to stay with your spouse) you cut it off. some relationships aren't meant to be & are best to avoid, even with the all boundaries on.

 

I just meant should I take some action in response to it?

 

what would be the point of this action if you don't want to reactivate your relationship with her?

[MightyPen]

it never works after you already made a connection. you need to set those boundaries (in the future) right away. it you see a woman you feel really connected to in the first conversation with her and you think "wow... she is HOT" - you either go on with it and cheat or (if you want to stay with your spouse) you cut it off. some relationships aren't meant to be & are best to avoid, even with the all boundaries on.

 

 

 

what would be the point of this action if you don't want to reactivate your relationship with her?

 

 

It just sucks when you think about it that relationships with half of the human population are automatically treacherous paths with crumbling edges and one wrong step can lead to tumbling into the lava below. Okay, that was over dramatic but you see my point.

 

I guess I wouldn't say "half the population." There are two women at work that I like on some level but I have ZERO physical attraction to. I guess that's the key to finding a friend of the opposite gender...they can't be hot and they can't be repulsive (because no one really wants a repulsive friend)...they have to be "just right" like with the bears and their oatmeal and such.

 

But my OW definitely got hotter as I learned more about her and picked her brain. A big brain and a creative mind can bump a woman from "cute" to "extraordinary sexy" in my mind.

[Michelle ma Belle]

But my OW definitely got hotter as I learned more about her and picked her brain. A big brain and a creative mind can bump a woman from "cute" to "extraordinary sexy" in my mind.

 

The same can be said for men. At least it always has for me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do not pick the brains of other men. I hope and pray my husband does not pick the brains of other women.

 

There are boundaries that must be maintained in relationships. Picking brains obviously can lead to cheating....and has done so with a secret relationship of the op.

[MightyPen]

I do not pick the brains of other men. I hope and pray my husband does not pick the brains of other women.

 

There are boundaries that must be maintained in relationships. Picking brains obviously can lead to cheating....and has done so with a secret relationship of the op.

 

Well, it's better than me picking her vagina.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Not really.....

You seem to think that one is worse than the other and I see it as cheating is cheating.

 

But then you and I have danced this dance before.....

 

Even the title of this thread says you had a secret relationship......a relationship....by your own words.

 

Is that cheating? Is picking her brain cheating? Did it lead to emotional attachment? Is that cheating?

[MightyPen]

Not really.....

You seem to think that one is worse than the other and I see it as cheating is cheating.

 

But then you and I have danced this dance before.....

 

Even the title of this thread says you had a secret relationship......a relationship....by your own words.

 

Is that cheating? Is picking her brain cheating? Did it lead to emotional attachment? Is that cheating?

 

 

Yeah of course I was attached to her. And yeah it was a relationship even with no in-person interaction. And it wasn't just some sex-centric thing either; it was very emotionally and intellectually intense.

 

And yes we have danced this dance before. You seem to be very hostile towards me lately, and I'm not sure why. I've always been friendly to you, and I have ended this relationship with the OW.

[MadJackBird]

Yes Picking her Brain is just as bad. It's Emotional Adultery. Left to it's own devices it always leads to Physical Adultery.

 

You should BLOCK her facebook account. Click on her name and not press block. You will no longer see her likes. I'm fairly sure their is a way to do this.

[CarrieT]

And it wasn't just some sex-centric thing either; it was very emotionally and intellectually intense.

Please understand a LOT of the "connection" are brain synapses that YOU created. Those feelings and connections and emotions were entirely internal - albeit they were a reflection of what you were being fed.

 

Because you never met her In Real Life, you really don't know how well you might have connected.

 

At some point, you were stop romanticizing the AP and accept that the butterflies and euphoria came about through your own desires for the high that started and grew.

 

I've been there. I know what it is like.

[froz]

Mighty Pen, I love the picture!

[MightyPen]

Thank you! I thought it was whimsical enough to balance my sometimes egotistical comments.

[Elif]

Thank you! I thought it was whimsical enough to balance my sometimes egotistical comments.

 

Oh god!! Stuff like this is just feeding my misantrophy.

[MightyPen]

Oh god!! Stuff like this is just feeding my misantrophy.

 

 

Oh it was a joke! Don't hate mankind because of me. Now if you hate them for other reasons, that's cool.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What do you feel is missing from your marriage MP?

[MightyPen]

What do you feel is missing from your marriage MP?

 

 

Mostly intellectual stimulation, artful conversation, learning/exploring new things. Those sorts of things. My friend/OW checked off all of those boxes...so that was definitely a big part of the attraction. She's brilliant, well-educated, introduced me to new music, podcasts, etc., and is very sexually curious and adventurous as well. She enjoys some light submissive treatment, and I'm more of a natural Dom, so that was part of it too.

 

 

I've been trying to refocus on my wife, but it's still a struggle to get her off her phone most nights. We're generally happy (at least content), but we need more spark. I keep trying to gently and slowly introduce some more intellectual conversations and more D/s activities in the bedroom.

 

 

I'm working on it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Mostly intellectual stimulation, artful conversation, learning/exploring new things. Those sorts of things. My friend/OW checked off all of those boxes...so that was definitely a big part of the attraction. She's brilliant, well-educated, introduced me to new music, podcasts, etc., and is very sexually curious and adventurous as well. She enjoys some light submissive treatment, and I'm more of a natural Dom, so that was part of it too.

 

 

I've been trying to refocus on my wife, but it's still a struggle to get her off her phone most nights. We're generally happy (at least content), but we need more spark. I keep trying to gently and slowly introduce some more intellectual conversations and more D/s activities in the bedroom.

 

 

I'm working on it.

 

Out of curiosity, were you aware that intellectual stimulation was missing when you were dating your wife?

[MightyPen]

Out of curiosity, were you aware that intellectual stimulation was missing when you were dating your wife?

 

I've posted about this quite a bit on the Marriage boards, but basically I think I overlooked it because she checked off many of the boxes, so to speak, and I figured no one would check off all of them. Then you get busy with young children and that takes priority. Things are a little less insane as they get older and I've noticed more in the past few years the intellectual divide between us. I've been reaching out, trying to find activities to do that would result in some interesting conversations and nice memories.

[Popsicle]

How old are your kids and does your former friend have kids?

[MightyPen]

How old are your kids and does your former friend have kids?

 

Mine are elementary school aged, and she does not have children. She is quite a bit younger though (late 20s).

[Dylon]

How are things now? You are at the same stage as I'm. There are many similarity in your story as mine, how you thought initially, situation, ect. The exception is that I went through a lot more problems than you, and Dday woke my wife up big time ( you said you can't get her off her phone). I didn't search for a someone though but certainly was vulnerable. I needed a friend and emotional support that my wife can't provide and I was really always tired of caring for everyone's needs, emotional and all. Then the OW came and we hit off as friends fast. I went through your thought process too. Soon, in time, emotion run deep. Like you, we said.....well....nothing is going to happen. You said that there's no physical contract and there won't be. What if it got to the point where she's willing to do it all for you and show up at your doorstep? Well, it got to that point for me even though there were "honesty" in my part and intention. Nevertheless, feeling and emotion do a number on you. You spoke about being intelligent about it and that both of you could have figured out something. No. We did that for a year, tried everything, and there's nothing to figure out. Breath a sign of relief. I too, just fought it like crazy and wouldn't have listen to the advices of people if I were here. Now here I'm, trying to pass time and read about others' problems as a reminder. Keep us updated. Good luck here forward.

[MightyPen]

How are things now? You are at the same stage as I'm. There are many similarity in your story as mine, how you thought initially, situation, ect. The exception is that I went through a lot more problems than you, and Dday woke my wife up big time ( you said you can't get her off her phone). I didn't search for a someone though but certainly was vulnerable. I needed a friend and emotional support that my wife can't provide and I was really always tired of caring for everyone's needs, emotional and all. Then the OW came and we hit off as friends fast. I went through your thought process too. Soon, in time, emotion run deep. Like you, we said.....well....nothing is going to happen. You said that there's no physical contract and there won't be. What if it got to the point where she's willing to do it all for you and show up at your doorstep? Well, it got to that point for me even though there were "honesty" in my part and intention. Nevertheless, feeling and emotion do a number on you. You spoke about being intelligent about it and that both of you could have figured out something. No. We did that for a year, tried everything, and there's nothing to figure out. Breath a sign of relief. I too, just fought it like crazy and wouldn't have listen to the advices of people if I were here. Now here I'm, trying to pass time and read about others' problems as a reminder. Keep us updated. Good luck here forward.

 

 

Can I ask you what ended up happening with you and your wife?

 

You have no idea how comforting it is to hear from someone who walked a similar path. And she never would have been willing to "do it all" for me, because I never would have asked her to. She's well aware I have kiddos and that they are my priority for the next decade. Also, we are both well established in our careers (which are pretty state specific) and we couldn't just hop around state to state like a couple of hobos.

 

I feel what you're saying needing emotional support, friendship and conversation and how someone else can start filling the void faster than you would think.

 

What sorts of things did you two do to "try to figure things out?" I feel like she and I didn't really exhaust all of our options, but then again those options may have been doomed to fail anyway.

 

I'd like to hear more of your story. I wouldn't consider it a threadjack at all.

[Dylon]

Can I ask you what ended up happening with you and your wife?

 

We are fine now, the best we've been since Dday more than a year ago. It was hard and through it, I maintained contact with OW. Like you, she was my friend, someone I could completely open up to with and was always there for me. My wife, though perfect in many ways, didn't have the ability to offer the emotional support, friendship, no fault of her own though. I know I got lashed for this here. Still, one just have to admit that in a marriage, there's not always perfect balance. Also, she's someone that would not give up on a marriage no matter what. I'm too.

 

She's well aware I have kiddos and that they are my priority for the next decade.

Yes, been there. At first, there's this understanding since I was always honest to her. Then after time goes by, the feeling grows and expectation are higher. It's inevitable that it will happen given time and the deeply involved emotions.

 

I feel what you're saying needing emotional support, friendship and conversation and how someone else can start filling the void faster than you would think.

Through this NC and other moments without her, I discovered that this is what's missing in my life. I know the members here will say, go to your wife, ect. If not, go to IC, ect. Sometimes the spouse just don't have the strength or ability to deal with certain things. We need to find a healthier way to fulfill this void. I don't have my answer yet and still working on it. I have lots of interests and things I love. I'm confident and have a good career. On paper, it's perfect. I just need a good friend and someone that I can go to. This OW connected with me and it became an EA as a result.

 

What sorts of things did you two do to "try to figure things out?" I feel like she and I didn't really exhaust all of our options, but then again those options may have been doomed to fail anyway.

Just like you, tried to think that we can be friends. However, the "love" interest always creep back in. Jealousy gets us into arguments. Over time, it became more and more impossible to manage. You are right, those options would have failed anyway. We went through trying over and over again. The stronger the emotions, the longer time has passed, the more it was impossible. The hurt just grew because of her expectation.

 

I'm having many hard days. I feel I've lost a best friend. You have done more than me by blocking. I couldn't do it and I fear if she contacts me, I will be nice, and also out of my own weakness for her, reply. I will answer the phone. We are exhausted after a year of struggle, deeply hurt, and too many goodbye letters that in the end, nothing left to be said. Hopefully that's enough to keep us apart. It's basically that she wants me to be with her and I said no, I can't. Just that alone can drag for a year. Why? Because when that can be put aside, it was great and she couldn't let go of the friendship and emotional support we provided for each other. So you can see, if you let your A goes on, this is the outcome.

 

What you said about being in this forum. I'm not sure if it's helping me or not. I know it helps me direct my feelings a bit, talking to people here and listening to their stories. Occupy my time and mind. On the other hand, hearing about OW's feelings really kill me and makes it really hard. I see all the pain in her already and it just adds on. I let it be a reminder what I've done.

Edited November 6, 2015 by Dylon