Married guy with secret relationship with female friend

[MightyPen]

Hey Dylon, that was awesome of you to share that. I'm sitting here nodding my head to pretty much everything you said.

 

I've concluded that I am, or least was, a cake-eater, because I would have been happy to just keep both relationships, my marriage and my talks with my friend, going on indefinitely. I was generally able to keep things compartmentalized, although a few times my feelings for her bled over into my family time.

 

I appreciate where you're coming from, and if you EVER need someone to speak with about these things, I would be ready, willing and able to do that, especially when you get PM privileges.

 

I am pretty much done with publicly posting about my relationship with my friend. I am still protective of it, and frankly I'm over all the bashing. The people on this site all have their own opinions and life experiences, and much of the advice is helpful and heartfelt, but in the end, we are all just people, and we should make decisions based on our analysis.

[Dylon]

I am pretty much done with publicly posting about my relationship with my friend. I am still protective of it, and frankly I'm over all the bashing. The people on this site all have their own opinions and life experiences, and much of the advice is helpful and heartfelt, but in the end, we are all just people, and we should make decisions based on our analysis.

 

I agree. We all come with a problem or we wouldn't be here. We are all wounded and just wanted to talk. I posted that I worry about the OW after we ended, and a fury of angry messages flooded in . I'm just soft-hearted towards another human being and even if I love my wife, it's hard not to care about another person hurting, especially someone who was friend and someone you care deeply about at some point, sharing everything everyday for a very long time.

 

 

I've concluded that I am, or least was, a cake-eater, because I would have been happy to just keep both relationships, my marriage and my talks with my friend, going on indefinitely.

 

Yes I understand your point. Went through the same thing. She told me never to let her go many times. What you said come to mind when she told me this. I would say, yes...I'm here. I thought well, as a friend, why not indefinitely? As time passed, more and more time was devoted to the "bad situation" we were in and almost of year of contact everyday was about what we should do. More than 1/2 of our time were arguments. We rather argue and fight than not talk lol. Eventually yours would end up like that too. Such a friendship with emotional attachment wouldn't last indefinitely. Desire grows, jealousy grows, ect. We naturally want something we can't have....and there's no way we can say: "friends.....good enough".

 

especially when you get PM privileges.

 

lol, we have to earn that here ? How strange. I didn't know.

[Dylon]

Btw, by ending this now. Here's what you missed:

 

1. D-day.

2. Out of control emotions on both end. More and more hurt feelings. You both breakdown in tears regularly and it affects your work and family.

3. Contacts from either friends or family of the OW lol. Yes, while we have no one to talk to, the OW needs to share.

4. Days and days of arguments and justification for your continuing A.

5. Eventually ending it anyway because it's not manageable with no better resolution than before, except with more hurt and injury for everyone.

[MightyPen]

As time passed, more and more time was devoted to the "bad situation" we were in and almost of year of contact everyday was about what we should do. More than 1/2 of our time were arguments. We rather argue and fight than not talk lol. Eventually yours would end up like that too. Such a friendship with emotional attachment wouldn't last indefinitely. Desire grows, jealousy grows, ect. We naturally want something we can't have....and there's no way we can say: "friends.....good enough".

 

 

YEP that was part of it too. Now I'll say this. We hardly ever fought! We are both pretty rational and on the same page. Neither of us pushed to extend boundaries past the other person's comfort zone. We had a few disagreements but it was 90% drama free.

 

BUT, yes there were weeks where we'd spend more time analyzing the precise nature of our relationship than actually, you know, talking about stuff. We asked things like "What is this? This isn't an affair, is it? If not, what do you call this thing we do?" etc etc

 

I thought (still do, actually) that our jobs were the guarantee that neither of us would shock the other with a "let's meet" type of request. Neither of us can just leave our job and go get another one in another state. Plus, we promised each other we would never f*ck up the other's life, and we held true to that promise.

 

And yes you have to be here for a month and have so many posts (not sure how many) to get PM privileges.

[Dylon]

We hardly ever fought! We are both pretty rational and on the same page.

 

I'm very rational too, and it was like that too initially. Then the feelings get stronger and being rational just don't cut it anymore . At first, the mind wins and slowly, the heart drowns the brain with all the "highs" like drug does. I got jealous of some things. Yes, that was very rational of me but it still didn't stop be from being jealous. We dream, talk sex, ect.....all aren't rational at all.

 

I thought (still do, actually) that our jobs were the guarantee that neither of us would shock the other with a "let's meet" type of request.

I think I'm in an even more impossible situation to meet. We both did. She would say initially, I'm scare of what's happening. Then she asked, what could happen? Our situation makes it impossible. Then a year later, if there's love, anything is possible. To deny any movement forward is to burn the heart even more. Thinking back in the earlier days of our conversation, all the things that I thought couldn't happen, did. It was quite insane how things can evolve.

 

Sure it's possible that you and her can be friend until things burn off from boredom or there's a fallout at home, but highly unlikely if there was a spark between you two. Easy for me to say, I didn't stop when I was at your stage.

Edited November 8, 2015 by Dylon

[MightyPen]

Not to get too personal, and you can deflect the question if you'd like, but did you both say you loved each other?

 

We never got to that point. First of all, for me, I can't "love" someone I've never met/touched/spent physical time with. Second, I don't think saying that to someone would "change the whole game," so to speak. I would have been afraid to death to say that even if I would have felt it after meeting. Now was I infatuated? Hell yes. I readily admitted that to her.

 

I'll never know what the ramifications would have been had I said that to her. I'm guessing she would have panicked and ran for the hills, but who knows?

 

I'm trying to figure out if maybe you went down the road a bit farther than we did. I really appreciate the warning/advice and the reminder of all the negative consequences that I avoided by ending things.

[Dylon]

Not to get too personal, and you can deflect the question if you'd like, but did you both say you loved each other?

 

Yes

 

I can't "love" someone I've never met/touched/spent physical time with.

 

Oh yes, I was there too in the beginning. I don't doubt that maybe you can mantain that thinking. With time, closeness, and comfort, it can happen in a flash. I see you have a desire to grow and if she does too, it would have been a full blown EA.

 

 

Second, I don't think saying that to someone would "change the whole game," so to speak.

 

Yes, been there too. Then the words have more and more meanings when more time was committed to the affair. Unconsciously, it builds "hope".

 

I would have been afraid to death to say that even if I would have felt it after meeting.

 

Yes, but comfort takes away fear and when you talk to someone long enough, everything slowly moves in. You can't imagine and neither could I last year.

 

I'll never know what the ramifications would have been had I said that to her. I'm guessing she would have panicked and ran for the hills, but who knows?

 

Depends on time and how inviting the exchanges are. You imagine that way because you are not building to that point slowly, but when it happens, neither side has the fear and everything comes easy, recipicated, and comforted.

 

I hope you are doing well. I understand the difficult of not letting things play out. I don't think I would have came here for advice at your stage. I would have just go with it. You are a better man if you stopped it now than me. Of course, she helped you out too. Mine didn't. She wouldn't stop or give up. Yes, could have had so great emotional exchange and for the time with your life takes on new excitements. You won't be bored, but with it, comes all the troubles too. Then finally you need to end it anyway. The longer the wait, the harder it is.

[MightyPen]

I want to say thanks again for the back and forth we've had.

 

 

I'd like to sit here and type, "I vow to never speak to her again!" but who knows what the future will hold? I really enjoyed having a secret friend to vent with during the work day...someone I could be 100% honest with about my innermost thoughts. Posting on here is cool and all, but it's not the same thing. I miss it and I miss her.

 

 

Oh well, on that note, I guess this thread has reached its natural end.

[Dylon]

I really enjoyed having a secret friend to vent with during the work day...someone I could be 100% honest with about my innermost thoughts. Posting on here is cool and all, but it's not the same thing. I miss it and I miss her.

 

. Why you think I'm here.

 

 

I'd like to sit here and type, "I vow to never speak to her again!" but who knows what the future will hold?

Maybe you can give me a secret update when I get the "honorable" PM lol. Now we both have a job, a family, and self discovery to do.

[MightyPen]

Yup. You've got a deal.

[burnt]

. Why you think I'm here.

 

 

Maybe you can give me a secret update when I get the "honorable" PM lol. Now we both have a job, a family, and self discovery to do.

 

Dylon and MightyPen,

I have been reading both of your posts for a while now.

It has been surreal to read both of your stories. While you two can relate to each other's, I can relate to both of you from the other side.

All I can say is it was jaw-dropping to see the parallels between both of your stories and mine.

 

Let me just say, I have lurking in this site for a bit now, but still haven't been able to bring myself to write about my own story; I haven't been able to discuss any of it even with my own therapist. It's that hard.

 

It has not been easy to read your posts, but I did--effects have been painful on me, but necessary also I suppose.

 

If I may, while it's not my place to comment, but still…

whatever you do, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER drop a line of 'how are you? just checking…wishing you well…' or anything of the like to your AP. The damage it will do, you can't fathom.

You can't fathom. The words fall short to describe.

It's like holding a burning piece of coal inside of you, unable to put it out, unable to hold it in, unable to to let it go, unable to forget, unable to accept--just forced to stay paralyzed, sinking into a quicksand, just watching it burning you from inside out, while you're fully conscious.

 

Thank you for posting your stories.

If either/both of you continue to write more, I will read.

[Dylon]

First, let me apologize to MightyPen who I believe want this thread to die. I'm a late comer to the thread so I understand he's tired.

 

Dylon and MightyPen,

While you two can relate to each other's, I can relate to both of you from the other side.

 

Which side is that? The OW?

 

If I may, while it's not my place to comment, but still…

whatever you do, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER drop a line of 'how are you? just checking…wishing you well…' or anything of the like to your AP. The damage it will do, you can't fathom.

You can't fathom. The words fall short to describe.

Yes I agree. I can see that the AP might want to be contacted but it's usually not in their best interest. Weird how just a "hi" or "how are you?" during a NC can just bring everything back. I never broke NC in our past and it was always her, expressing she still has the needs. I can only ease her to stay away if it's hurting so much, as you said,

 

It's like holding a burning piece of coal inside of you, unable to put it out, unable to hold it in, unable to to let it go, unable to forget, unable to accept--just forced to stay paralyzed,

It was made clear to me that is how it feels to be the OW by her. No matter how the OW appears to be like at first, eventually, it ends this way. Despite all my warnings to her about our connection. No lack of promise, honestly, straightforwardness can prevent such a train wreck. When involved in an EA, it's the only outcome: the MW or MM, either leave the marriage or don't do it. There's no other ending even if I fantasized one up. There's no forever friendship with something like this, someone will break.

[MightyPen]

First, let me apologize to MightyPen who I believe want this thread to die. I'm a late comer to the thread so I understand he's tired.

 

 

 

Which side is that? The OW?

 

Yes I agree. I can see that the AP might want to be contacted but it's usually not in their best interest. Weird how just a "hi" or "how are you?" during a NC can just bring everything back. I never broke NC in our past and it was always her, expressing she still has the needs. I can only ease her to stay away if it's hurting so much, as you said,

 

It was made clear to me that is how it feels to be the OW by her. No matter how the OW appears to be like at first, eventually, it ends this way. Despite all my warnings to her about our connection. No lack of promise, honestly, straightforwardness can prevent such a train wreck. When involved in an EA, it's the only outcome: the MW or MM, either leave the marriage or don't do it. There's no other ending even if I fantasized one up. There's no forever friendship with something like this, someone will break.

 

First, burnt, I can feel the pain in your words. I'm deeply sorry to hear that you're having such a painful time. It's obviously an individual decision as to whether to post the details of one's relationship troubles, but you might want to consider doing so here. It can be cathartic just dumping everything out to strangers, even if some of the responses are tougher than you anticipated.

 

A word of warning: If you were the AP of a MW or MM, and you entered into the relationship knowing about your AP's marriage, then many people here will be quite harsh with you. They will likely sympathize with the MW/MM's spouse or your significant other, if you have one. I've been beaten up quite a bit but I'm still standing. And I needed to hear most of it anyway.

 

I guess we always cause the most pain to those we have feelings for. I ended my EA because I wanted to refocus on my family, and I wanted to put their wellbeing first (for a change), but I still have significant feelings of guilt about my AP/"special friend"/whatever you want to call her. Even though I was always up front with her about where I stood with my family, as Dylon says, there's really only two ways these things can end. I wanted the third (unrealistic) way: stay happily married while having a fascinating woman on the side to give me extra attention, conversation and romance all from the safety of thousands of miles away. I know it was not fair of me to expect that sort of relationship to just stay in perpetuity.

[burnt]

Which side is that? The OW?

 

Yes I agree. I can see that the AP might want to be contacted but it's usually not in their best interest. Weird how just a "hi" or "how are you?" during a NC can just bring everything back. I never broke NC in our past and it was always her, expressing she still has the needs. I can only ease her to stay away if it's hurting so much, as you said,

 

It was made clear to me that is how it feels to be the OW by her. No matter how the OW appears to be like at first, eventually, it ends this way. Despite all my warnings to her about our connection. No lack of promise, honestly, straightforwardness can prevent such a train wreck. When involved in an EA, it's the only outcome: the MW or MM, either leave the marriage or don't do it. There's no other ending even if I fantasized one up. There's no forever friendship with something like this, someone will break.

 

Yes, I would be the OW.

 

I forget who it was (either of you two or someone else in this site) who once said something along the lines that it's such a pity that it's so hard to find such a connection with another human being and then having to accept it's not sustainable and watch it die.

 

It's the friendship, it's the conversations, it's the ability to connect, it's the ability to open up with such pure honesty (how ironic to share 100% trust in a relationship that's founded on dishonesty).

It was chats and talks that went from serious to stupid to funny to insane to irrelevant to caring to well…everything.

 

Conservations that were naturally fluid: conversations about religion and music and philosophy and love and war and ethics and stupid mundane nothings, and yet every bit of that 'nothing' had so much life it.

 

He was my best friend.

I experience life through him; I loved him; I still do.

I accept the loss; I accept the reality.

 

I lost my best friend above all.

[burnt]

A word of warning: If you were the AP of a MW or MM, and you entered into the relationship knowing about your AP's marriage, then many people here will be quite harsh with you. They will likely sympathize with the MW/MM's spouse or your significant other, if you have one. I've been beaten up quite a bit but I'm still standing. And I needed to hear most of it anyway.

Yes I know. I have been reading a LOT of posts on this theme and I hear the comments directed at the OW: hateful and angry.

Though they are not directed at me, I read them to torture myself--how sick.

I deserve to hear them. I know.

I know my place. I acknowledge what I did.

 

I guess we always cause the most pain to those we have feelings for.

 

Isn't that such a painful truth?

 

Was it you who wrote that your AP sent the 'perfect goodbye note' after you ended it?

I bet I could tell you exactly what she wrote. Something along the lines of "Thank you for your friendship... I accept and understand how things have to be…I wish you and your family the best…I'm sorry for the pain I might have caused…I will always remember and treasure what we shared…"

How am I doing so far??…

 

It's painful.

What more is there to say really?

[MightyPen]

Was it you who wrote that your AP sent the 'perfect goodbye note' after you ended it?

I bet I could tell you exactly what she wrote. Something along the lines of "Thank you for your friendship... I accept and understand how things have to be…I wish you and your family the best…I'm sorry for the pain I might have caused…I will always remember and treasure what we shared…"

How am I doing so far??…

 

It's painful.

What more is there to say really?

 

 

Yes it was me. We ended it with perfect closure, or as close to perfect as you can actually accomplish in this world. People on the forums insisted that I should just drop her like a bad habit with a quick "This can't continue. Goodbye."

 

I did not do that.

 

I told her what I needed to tell her. I gave her time to tell me what she needed to tell me (she did, and yes it was along the lines of what you suggested. She was thoughtful and honest and sad but not angry).

 

People will criticize such thoughts, but I think my year with her gave me a "boost" that enhanced my confidence and helped me improve myself as I near the big 4-0-. I do not regret my time with her. Not a second of it. My view of love and romance is probably skewed, but it ended in such a way that nothing was ruined. It was romantic and stimulating and passionate and intellectual and basically wonderful.

 

That being said, I worry about her pain all the time. I am in pain, and I know she is in pain. She is younger, and quite beautiful and extremely brilliant and she would have no shortage of prospects if she broke up with her partner. So I try to tell myself that she will bounce back before I do, but of course I have no way of knowing if that will happen.

 

You and Dylon are both welcome to keep posting in this thread if you'd like. It is VERY helpful to hear from other people in our position in a completely supportive environment. And if you ever decide to share your story, I would be there to lend a supportive ear.

Edited November 12, 2015 by MightyPen

[AGoodFriend]

...your secret relationship will peter out (no pun intended) as long as you guys don't ever consummate it. I'd say just slowly pull away. You have to get your emotions back into the "safe zone" where you have control of them again. Once back in the safe zone, keep pulling away slowly but surely.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about ruining her life or your own. It's just a silly thing that could be totally harmless as long as you don't act on it.

[MightyPen]

...your secret relationship will peter out (no pun intended) as long as you guys don't ever consummate it. I'd say just slowly pull away. You have to get your emotions back into the "safe zone" where you have control of them again. Once back in the safe zone, keep pulling away slowly but surely.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about ruining her life or your own. It's just a silly thing that could be totally harmless as long as you don't act on it.

 

 

I think I am getting closer to the "safe zone." I don't think about her as frequently or intensely as I used to. However, I still think about her and miss her as I would a close friend. For this reason, I'm tempted to think we could rekindle things as friends in the very near future. We had tossed around the idea of talking more about our SOs with each other, which would hopefully lend itself to our viewing each other as support systems instead of potential love interests. This would mean a guilt-free relationship, which seems like the Fountain of Youth or Lost City of Gold on these forums. Is it attainable?? We shall see.

[MadJackBird]

As a BH myself, your last two posts are really rubbing me the wrong way.

 

Stop selfishly thinking about yourself and start thinking about your BW. Yes she is a betrayed wife. You were in the midst of a full blown emotional adultery. Good job getting out of it... No stay NC for life and stop thinking about rekindling your full blown emotional adultery.

 

Quotes for you to ponder.

 

I told her what I needed to tell her. I gave her time to tell me what she needed to tell me (she did, and yes it was along the lines of what you suggested. She was thoughtful and honest and sad but not angry).

 

People will criticize such thoughts, but I think my year with her gave me a "boost" that enhanced my confidence and helped me improve myself as I near the big 4-0-. I do not regret my time with her. Not a second of it. My view of love and romance is probably skewed, but it ended in such a way that nothing was ruined. It was romantic and stimulating and passionate and intellectual and basically wonderful.

 

That being said, I worry about her pain all the time. I am in pain, and I know she is in pain. She is younger, and quite beautiful and extremely brilliant and she would have no shortage of prospects if she broke up with her partner. So I try to tell myself that she will bounce back before I do, but of course I have no way of knowing if that will happen.

 

What do you think your wife would think about this statement?

 

I think I am getting closer to the "safe zone." I don't think about her as frequently or intensely as I used to. However, I still think about her and miss her as I would a close friend. For this reason, I'm tempted to think we could rekindle things as friends in the very near future. We had tossed around the idea of talking more about our SOs with each other, which would hopefully lend itself to our viewing each other as support systems instead of potential love interests. This would mean a guilt-free relationship, which seems like the Fountain of Youth or Lost City of Gold on these forums. Is it attainable?? We shall see.

 

What do you think your wife would think about this statement?

 

 

:sick::sick::sick::sick:

[MightyPen]

As a BH myself, your last two posts are really rubbing me the wrong way.

 

Stop selfishly thinking about yourself and start thinking about your BW. Yes she is a betrayed wife. You were in the midst of a full blown emotional adultery. Good job getting out of it... No stay NC for life and stop thinking about rekindling your full blown emotional adultery.

 

Quotes for you to ponder.

 

 

 

What do you think your wife would think about this statement?

 

 

 

What do you think your wife would think about this statement?

 

 

:sick::sick::sick::sick:

 

 

I'm keenly aware she would be very hurt reading any of my posts. That said, I did end it, and I have kept NC. The temptation is still there. I keep thinking that my friend and I can "pull it off" where so many others have failed.

 

 

I know that's pretty egotistical (and unrealistic) of me to think that.

 

 

But, deep down, I guess I'm a cake eater. I want my marriage and I want the stimulating companionship my friend provided.

[minimariah]

I forget who it was (either of you two or someone else in this site) who once said something along the lines that it's such a pity that it's so hard to find such a connection with another human being and then having to accept it's not sustainable and watch it die.

 

when you write it like this -- it seems like folks don't have a choice. it seems like you have to let it die, watch it die... when in reality -- you DO have a choice and it's all about that choice. you don't have to let that relationship die, at all. you don't have to watch it die, at all. (speaking from the married/attached person perspective; if the other person is dumped - they don't have a choice BUT to accept the situation.)

 

relationship like that actually IS sustainable but what i find fascinating -- even with a relationship unique and strong like that... a LOT of things still come before it. for most married or attached folks - even with a relationship that strong and once in a lifetime kind of thing... it's still not a #1. it's an oxymoron.

 

also -- people like drama and don't really know how to be happy. that's my personal observation through time and i saw so many situations and APs who could have been together & happy but out of need to punish themselves and "immortalize" their love through drama & forbidden stigma - they do nothing to make steps to actually BEING together.

 

i'm surprised at people's ability to delude themselves into thinking that they love their spouse & that their marriage is fantastic... except this one little thing.

 

Though they are not directed at me, I read them to torture myself--how sick.

I deserve to hear them.

 

you really don't.

 

you fell in love and was an OW. it was a period or your life, take it as another life experience and move on. you don't need to be punished for it for the rest of your life. you don't deserve the hatred or insults - you taking the responsibility for your actions does not mean that you have to beat yourself up over and over and over again.

 

i think the key is in forgiving yourself, accepting your flaws & moving on. you deserve to be loved and to be happy.

[Dylon]

Burnt, I know what you mean, it's hard to just let go of someone you get along so well with. The OW told me she will never let me go because of that. She will exhaust everything before she gives up. Sadly, I enjoy her company too, for everything as you, so stayed in the A. Now we are left with well..... how will that be replaced or how will we find a different path to have the same fulfillment, hopefully a healthier way. No it's not sickening to read here to feel the pain. I'm doing the same. We are finding diversion for our hurt and channel it. Share if you find it helpful.

 

MightyPen - unfortunately by the time you are ready for friendship, you won't have the same desire to reach out. Friends are like that, right? It's not someone you are dying to talk to everyday. I've been having a hard two weeks. I don't want her back for all the pain and hurt for everyone, but the EA left me stressed, drained, and question what is it that will make me happy.

[burnt]

I wouldn't worry so much about ruining her life or your own. It's just a silly thing that could be totally harmless as long as you don't act on it.

 

Indifference.

 

No.

It's not JUST a silly thing; it's not just a HARMLESS thing either.

 

Precisely by thinking it's a silly thing, you can unintentionally and unknowingly cause irreversible and irreparable HARM to another person.

 

Yes there are times, when our sound judgment is completely impaired by our intense and blinding emotions. But when we ARE capable of thinking clearly, we SHOULD WORRY about how our actions can inflict suffering on others.

 

Do not presume that the person who's no longer crying in front of you, the person who is no longer a part of your present is somehow just fine. Consider the unlikely: some people's lives actually DO get ruined.

 

Yes you should have some concern and compassion when you know someone is in pain and you should have some modicum of remorse, genuine remorse, if you know you are somehow, even if it's in a small part, responsible for causing that pain.

 

I'm not saying you have to go run and help that person, or hate yourself, but there should be some genuine repentance.

[FrostFire]

Yes, a lot of you have gotten jumped on by the majority here because people choose to believe in the idea of monogamy and until death do you part (monogamous marriage) mindsets. However, if that wasn't the norm shoved down our throats and perhaps we all had a much different outlook and perspective of relationships then you'd be getting much more varied and supportive advice.

 

Instead you're judged for being "different from what's normal." It's only been a recent thing out of the thousand years humans have lived that we are force-fed the idea of monogamy. This is a prime example of why monogamy is not meant for everyone.

 

I got news for you and I'm sure I'll get a ton of hate for saying this, but, it's completely healthy and natural to love more than one person at a time. You did it from the day you were born.

[minimariah]

 

I got news for you and I'm sure I'll get a ton of hate for saying this, but, it's completely healthy and natural to love more than one person at a time. You did it from the day you were born.

 

sure but keep in mind that you don't love your mother or a sister the way you love a wife or a husband. we CAN indeed love more than one person at the time - but those are different kinds of love and aren't considered poly.

 

can we been IN love and be passionately and romantically in love with more than one people at the time? probably not.

 

judging from his previous threads - the OP isn't i love with his wife at all. so him feeling something for someone else isn't poly at all... it's actually monogamous.

 

we aren't monogamous by nature or polygamous by nature - monogamy & poly are a matter of choices. when one person falls in love with someone else while being married or attached - they aren't proving that they can love two person at one time... they usually love only one in a romantic way so really... we are far more monogamous than poly.

 

what ISN'T natural or realistic to us is the expectations of spending your entire life with just one person.