Married guy with secret relationship with female friend

[MightyPen]

I can't possibly reply to everyone's recent comments, but I did read every single one.

 

I think the whole "us against the world" vibe actually pulls us closer together.

 

I keep asking myself, "Does this friendship...ANY friendship really...justify all the risk that accompanies it?" Logically, I know the answer is "No," but I still find myself wanting to keep a connection with her, even if it's much less intense than before. I guess I'm addicted, although I know that sounds like I'm trying to duck responsibility for my decisions.

 

Sometimes I wish she'd be the "bad guy" and just end it/dump me. I've wondered many times if she's ever felt the same and wanted me to just unilaterally end things so it's out of her control. When we ended things (temporarily, as it turns out) a few weeks ago, it was very mutual...we would toss out hints back and forth and then we sorta jointly decided it was for the best before we each wrote our goodbyes. Neither of us was the bad guy.

 

I appreciate the folks here who are willing to still be friendly with me even if you disagree with my backtracking.

Edited November 24, 2015 by MightyPen

[MadJackBird]

Why do you keep skirting the direct questions about your wife's feelings in all of this.

 

Do you lack empathy for her?

[dreamingoftigers]

I can't possibly reply to everyone's recent comments, but I did read every single one.

 

I think the whole "us against the world" vibe actually pulls us closer together.

 

I keep asking myself, "Does this friendship...ANY friendship really...justify all the risk that accompanies it?" Logically, I know the answer is "No," but I still find myself wanting to keep a connection with her, even if it's much less intense than before. I guess I'm addicted, although I know that sounds like I'm trying to duck responsibility for my decisions.

 

Sometimes I wish she'd be the "bad guy" and just end it/dump me. I've wondered many times if she's ever felt the same and wanted me to just unilaterally end things so it's out of her control. When we ended things (temporarily, as it turns out) a few weeks ago, it was very mutual...we would toss out hints back and forth and then we sorta jointly decided it was for the best before we each wrote our goodbyes. Neither of us was the bad guy.

 

I appreciate the folks here who are willing to still be friendly with me even if you disagree with my backtracking.

 

Every time I read one of your threads you want to put it in someone else besides your wife.

 

Why don't you just let her go to find someone that actually cherishes her. Then you can plant it in anyone that's willing?

[CarrieT]

I appreciate the folks here who are willing to still be friendly with me even if you disagree with my backtracking.

It is because many of us have been where you are. Some of us - and our relationships - survived the process and in many cases, there was destruction; either of the relationship or our own integrity.

 

I was one. I was living with a man for eleven years (we never married). And I started an online "friendship." All the things you are saying to your self - all your rationalizations - were things I said to myself.

 

In the long run, my 11-year relationship ended. It should have ended years before but I never had the guts to be honest about my feelings of dissatisfaction in the relationship nor about the online relationship in which I was involved.

 

It is why I said that ultimately, your marriage will end if you continue down this path. Maybe that is not a bad thing and you simply have to go through the process yourself. I just don't want you to be pragmatic about the fact that you are being deceitful and duplicitous in your actions.

[Dylon]

She doesn't have the will to pull the plug either so you can't really wait for her to do it. I understand that struggle, it's all the "crazies" of wanting and not wanting. You want her to pull the plug, but you don't either. You wanted to stay away and you came back to her. It's endless. However, you were getting over her. Maybe it was the point that you reached out thinking it's safe enough.

 

If you wife finds out that you've been talking to a woman regularly like this behind her, she will have lots of things in her mind, a lot more than what you are really doing. Let just say, you are really just friends and both sides manage to control the words, your wife will see it for much more.

 

If I remember correctly, she's just living with someone, right?

 

You said it's less intense now. Is it because of the filtered communication?

 

I'm finishing off on my second month. A week ago, she reached out indirectly in a public forum directing at me with some comments. She's been hoping that after some time, I will give in and contact her privately. I have to admit, I too through weakness or worrying for her feelings of being abandoned, missing her in a weird way, have reached out indrectly with subtle images and messages. She still hoping I will change my mind about my marriage. I have bad days, many hard ones, but mainly because of myself than about her. Through NC over time, usually there's a shift in thoughts and hurts are usually less about the person. It's about missing that feeling or connection. I don't think cold turkey treatment works. I take 2 steps forward, 1 step back, and even though it has taken a very long time, I'm 80% confidence that it's done.

 

Maybe less intensity is your 2 steps forward, one step back?

[Bittersweetie]

MP, I gotta agree with whichway and michelle and other PP. It's unfortunate that you've placed your friendship with AP above that of your wife. Your mental energy is invested with someone else, not your family. It doesn't matter if you don't think of AP on the weekends...your energy is elsewhere.

 

My xAP and I were NC for about 5 months. Then we started talking again, as friends. But then I kept crossing more and more boundaries. I kept telling myself, it's fine, I'm just making him feel better. I'm just talking. We're just friends. Rationalizing each and every step until I actually slept with him.

 

(Speaking of which, did you read Not Just Friends?)

 

Your AP is not the person to hold you accountable. It is either yourself or your wife. And from all your posts, I have the feeling you don't have the willpower to be accountable to yourself. I wasn't either...I didn't go full on NC until I had my d-day. So either hold yourself accountable or wait for a d-day. You think it's not possible...yeah, so did I.

 

Good luck.

[MadJackBird]

MP, I gotta agree with whichway and michelle and other PP. It's unfortunate that you've placed your friendship with AP above that of your wife. Your mental energy is invested with someone else, not your family. It doesn't matter if you don't think of AP on the weekends...your energy is elsewhere.

 

My xAP and I were NC for about 5 months. Then we started talking again, as friends. But then I kept crossing more and more boundaries. I kept telling myself, it's fine, I'm just making him feel better. I'm just talking. We're just friends. Rationalizing each and every step until I actually slept with him.

 

(Speaking of which, did you read Not Just Friends?)

 

Your AP is not the person to hold you accountable. It is either yourself or your wife. And from all your posts, I have the feeling you don't have the willpower to be accountable to yourself. I wasn't either...I didn't go full on NC until I had my d-day. So either hold yourself accountable or wait for a d-day. You think it's not possible...yeah, so did I.

 

Good luck.

 

Agreed. Accountability Partner is a same sex friend. Or a counselor. Not your emotional adultery partner.

[Bittersweetie]

One more thing.

 

Thinking more about you and your threads, I'm reminded of when, during my A (second round), I decided to tell my mother about AP. Well, she lit into me. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was the 60-year-old-mother's version of "WTF are you doing?!"

 

The reason I don't remember her words is because, at that time, I wasn't ready to listen.

 

I think you read all these posts, and understand them, but you haven't heard them. Your situation is different and will be fine, unlike any of ours. Okay. I hope you don't ever have to look in your spouse's hurt, angry eyes and see the pain that you yourself caused. Because, let me tell you, my choices and actions were NOT worth that moment and the moments afterward.

 

My H said to me once, "You were the one person who was supposed to have my back. And you didn't." He was right.

 

Whose back do you have?

[Dylon]

but it was the 60-year-old-mother's version of "WTF are you doing?!"

 

The reason I don't remember her words is because, at that time, I wasn't ready to listen.

 

lol, I got that too. Of course then we would turn to our AP for reassurance, right? 2nd round after 5 months NC? I like to hear that story.

[Michelle ma Belle]

One more thing.

 

Thinking more about you and your threads, I'm reminded of when, during my A (second round), I decided to tell my mother about AP. Well, she lit into me. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was the 60-year-old-mother's version of "WTF are you doing?!"

 

The reason I don't remember her words is because, at that time, I wasn't ready to listen.

 

I think you read all these posts, and understand them, but you haven't heard them. Your situation is different and will be fine, unlike any of ours. Okay. I hope you don't ever have to look in your spouse's hurt, angry eyes and see the pain that you yourself caused. Because, let me tell you, my choices and actions were NOT worth that moment and the moments afterward.

 

My H said to me once, "You were the one person who was supposed to have my back. And you didn't." He was right.

 

Whose back do you have?

 

Very wise words. Worth pondering MP.

[Bittersweetie]

lol, I got that too. Of course then we would turn to our AP for reassurance, right? 2nd round after 5 months NC? I like to hear that story.

 

I started a thread two years ago about my reconciliation:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

 

TBH, I have no interest in sharing the story of the A itself. It is not something I'm proud of, and it hurt people. Any "good" memories I have of that time are tainted by the pain of my H upon finding out and the fact that I now see how selfish and self-centered I really was at that time. I may share bits and pieces of it to illustrate a point...like the idea that I went into the second round of my A with all the intentions of just being friends...because, you know, AP and I had a "special connection." That, and the things we tell ourselves to make everything okay can be powerful.

[burnt]

Hi MightyPen,

The first time I admitted in this website that I am the OW was in a response to your post in this thread, right after you broke it off with your OW. I HAD to write and say to you, whatever you do, do not EVER write back to her. It will do damage beyond any measure to the OW.

I just read the update today that you are now back in contact with your OW ('friend'), and I don't remember ever feeling as much pain reading a post by a stranger as I did today. Just to write this post, I feel like I'm reliving a trauma from two years ago.

 

Most of the comments here are about what this can do to you and your wife. I'm writing about what this will do to your 'friend'.

 

It frightens me at times when I read your posts, because you are a carbon copy of my xMM--your tone, art of language, beahvior, impulsiveness, dominance, vanity, sense of humor, playfullness, stubbornness, ambivalence, everything. It's scary how predictable you are and what a typical path you are following.

 

During my affair, no one, not a single person in this world ever knew what I was going through during the entire 'on again, off again'--let's redefine the nature of our 'friendship' phases. After each break-up, I broke, and dealt with it silently on my own, yet wanting him to come back; I waited every waking minute wondering and wishing him to contact me back again. Then days/weeks later he finally did and started the whole 'let's just be friends' plan again. Only to prove that he slipped and I followed; and it always started with a single word or a hint about how things used to be.

 

More than anything else, the worst damage was done by the constant 'on-off'.

 

It's been a year since the last time I saw him.

Since he doesn't see me, he doesn't know how I am now:

I have not been able to smile ONCE, laugh ONCE in the last one year. Besides my work and besides when people ask me questions, I have not SPOKEN in a conversation ONCE in the last one year with another human being.

I have been getting about 2-3 hours of sleep and feeling shaky the whole day. I have trouble remembering things now, I have trouble processing things now mentally. A complete emotional and physical lethargy.

 

NO, I'm not kidding. An absolute silence and resignation from everything in life, multiple attempts of suicide, and a complete withdrawal from everything I ever loved is what came down on me since the last break-up. It happened one tiny day at a time--not overnight. And yet, after one full year, I still helplessly check my emails wondering just in case he broke NC, simply becuase that's what he did evey time --ON and OFF, and ON and OFF...

 

I loved him beyond words could describe; I respected whatever 'rules' he set up every time, whatever language he introduced and then banned in our conversations. I obeyed it all, and still he slipped and I got hit.

 

Like a dog, I have been trained to anticipate another call from him--so I learned to just wait, even after it has been declared over.

You have no idea how much I hate myself or it all now.

 

As ironic as it might sound, (me being this dirty filthy cheating OW), my ability to trust anyone is completely wiped out; my ability to connect to anything is gone.

 

See the thing is, your friend is a WOMAN. No matter what she says/thinks, she has been falling more and more for you--through the conversations and through the connections. I understand you don't 'love' her, and can compartmentalize your feelings for her and feelings for your wife; but woman are emotional creatures more than men are. WHEN you are finally done with this 'friendship', you will move on, but she will be left to deal with an emotional devastation alone that you will no longer be a witness of. She will be left alone being in love with someone she can't have.

 

The thing about breaking NC again and again is that it gives her no chance to move on and heal, and each time she only becomes weaker than the time before.

 

My point is: I BELIEVE you: you will be able to keep this as a friendship basis more and more--the problem is, she won't. The longer you are in contact with her, the stronger her emotions will be for you. And it will be YOUR FRIEND that will pay a painful price--not you.

And you will not be around to help her heal--will you? NO.

 

Please let her go. Let her go, if you really do care about her. Let her have the chance to find a 'friend' that she can not only connect to, but also love and be loved by.

[MightyPen]

I'm overwhelmed by the responses.

 

 

I need to step away for a few days. I hope everyone has a somewhat enjoyable Thanksgiving.

[whichwayisup]

Hi MightyPen,

The first time I admitted in this website that I am the OW was in a response to your post in this thread, right after you broke it off with your OW. I HAD to write and say to you, whatever you do, do not EVER write back to her. It will do damage beyond any measure to the OW.

I just read the update today that you are now back in contact with your OW ('friend'), and I don't remember ever feeling as much pain reading a post by a stranger as I did today. Just to write this post, I feel like I'm reliving a trauma from two years ago.

 

Most of the comments here are about what this can do to you and your wife. I'm writing about what this will do to your 'friend'.

 

It frightens me at times when I read your posts, because you are a carbon copy of my xMM--your tone, art of language, beahvior, impulsiveness, dominance, vanity, sense of humor, playfullness, stubbornness, ambivalence, everything. It's scary how predictable you are and what a typical path you are following.

 

During my affair, no one, not a single person in this world ever knew what I was going through during the entire 'on again, off again'--let's redefine the nature of our 'friendship' phases. After each break-up, I broke, and dealt with it silently on my own, yet wanting him to come back; I waited every waking minute wondering and wishing him to contact me back again. Then days/weeks later he finally did and started the whole 'let's just be friends' plan again. Only to prove that he slipped and I followed; and it always started with a single word or a hint about how things used to be.

 

More than anything else, the worst damage was done by the constant 'on-off'.

 

It's been a year since the last time I saw him.

Since he doesn't see me, he doesn't know how I am now:

I have not been able to smile ONCE, laugh ONCE in the last one year. Besides my work and besides when people ask me questions, I have not SPOKEN in a conversation ONCE in the last one year with another human being.

I have been getting about 2-3 hours of sleep and feeling shaky the whole day. I have trouble remembering things now, I have trouble processing things now mentally. A complete emotional and physical lethargy.

 

NO, I'm not kidding. An absolute silence and resignation from everything in life, multiple attempts of suicide, and a complete withdrawal from everything I ever loved is what came down on me since the last break-up. It happened one tiny day at a time--not overnight. And yet, after one full year, I still helplessly check my emails wondering just in case he broke NC, simply becuase that's what he did evey time --ON and OFF, and ON and OFF...

 

I loved him beyond words could describe; I respected whatever 'rules' he set up every time, whatever language he introduced and then banned in our conversations. I obeyed it all, and still he slipped and I got hit.

 

Like a dog, I have been trained to anticipate another call from him--so I learned to just wait, even after it has been declared over.

You have no idea how much I hate myself or it all now.

 

As ironic as it might sound, (me being this dirty filthy cheating OW), my ability to trust anyone is completely wiped out; my ability to connect to anything is gone.

 

See the thing is, your friend is a WOMAN. No matter what she says/thinks, she has been falling more and more for you--through the conversations and through the connections. I understand you don't 'love' her, and can compartmentalize your feelings for her and feelings for your wife; but woman are emotional creatures more than men are. WHEN you are finally done with this 'friendship', you will move on, but she will be left to deal with an emotional devastation alone that you will no longer be a witness of. She will be left alone being in love with someone she can't have.

 

The thing about breaking NC again and again is that it gives her no chance to move on and heal, and each time she only becomes weaker than the time before.

 

My point is: I BELIEVE you: you will be able to keep this as a friendship basis more and more--the problem is, she won't. The longer you are in contact with her, the stronger her emotions will be for you. And it will be YOUR FRIEND that will pay a painful price--not you.

And you will not be around to help her heal--will you? NO.

 

Please let her go. Let her go, if you really do care about her. Let her have the chance to find a 'friend' that she can not only connect to, but also love and be loved by.

 

You do realize that his OW is married as well, has a husband/partner, she's not single. She's just as much in this as he is. She should be referred to as MW, or married OW.

[burnt]

You do realize that his OW is married as well, has a husband/partner, she's not single. She's just as much in this as he is. She should be referred to as MW, or married OW.

 

Yes, I do realize it. In fact I do not discount the very fact that she met MightyPen in an Adult Chat site to begin with. So, yes, she is married and is having an elicit emotional affair with OP, which she started herself.

 

But my comment still stands--I'm only trying to point out that the moment OP breaks NC, all the progress that she made over the last one month in trying to move on just got ruined and now she's back at ground zero all over again.

 

Because NC was broken, now she's getting 'pulled back in'. You do not know how much work she may have had to put in to get through one month.

 

This constant push-pull--it's psychologically damaging. That's all.

[Dylon]

Burnt, so sorry to hear of your sad story. It's too much to burden. I hope we can talk about it sometimes so others can offer support. I certainly would like to. What your story illustrates is what can happen down the road. I think people with their thoughts here have gone down the path further than Mighty Pen so the opinions are strong. It's like knowing there will be a train wreck and trying to stop it. I haven't gotten as far as you down the path so I can learn from your story. And Mighty Pen hasn't gone down as deep as I have so he can relate to the "long distance, never met, never plan to meet" attitude of my situation.

 

MightyPen - I know deep inside, you searched for a companion like this for a long time, otherwise you would not have gone to these sites to look for one. In that regard, I can understand that once you connected with someone, it's like a search is over to fulfill that void you have. Maybe change in your family and what you do can make a difference.

[Gloria25]

Yes, I do realize it. In fact I do not discount the very fact that she met MightyPen in an Adult Chat site to begin with. So, yes, she is married and is having an elicit emotional affair with OP, which she started herself.

 

But my comment still stands--I'm only trying to point out that the moment OP breaks NC, all the progress that she made over the last one month in trying to move on just got ruined and now she's back at ground zero all over again.

 

Because NC was broken, now she's getting 'pulled back in'. You do not know how much work she may have had to put in to get through one month.

 

This constant push-pull--it's psychologically damaging. That's all.

 

burnt, burnt, burnt....

 

I'm so sorry for your pain and can empathize cuz I'm going through the "similar".

 

Like you, I wasted a whole year on a MM (met him before he exchanged "I do's") and like you I let him run the show. I put up with being treated like a dog he would pull close to stroke his ego only to be kicked and left outside to sleep in the cold when he got his ego and emotional desires met.

 

Not once did/does he care how while we aren't physical, how the push/pull tears me apart. Worst, he doesn't even communicate clearly to me and I'm left to interpret what's going on.

 

Worst, of the things he learns about me (ie my fav perfume, house decor) he'll run and do it for her and blast it on social media (not limit it to family/friends) in some sick hope I see it.

 

Then, after all the energy I put into trying to understand him, patience, etc., he still fantasizes about a psycho ex he had who anyone with half a brain can see is a toxic and mental chick.

 

So, I'm now #3 after his wife, and psycho skank of an ex. I'm worst than a dog he kicks, I'm poop on the ground he wipes off of his shoes.

 

So I have no choice but to walk away...I can't take it anymore.

 

I believe that the OP still doesn't "get it". Even "if" he never gets physical in his EA, women we operate more on a non-physical connection. If I was his EA and found out he was checking out women at work like a dog in heat, I'd be done with him, cuz it's clear that he doesn't want her and/or the women at the office. He wants what makes him feel good w/o having to return anything.

 

He gets to snuggle up next to his wife and go out to play. Even "if" he isn't physical with other women and isn't neglecting his role as a father and provider, it's like his wife is just another "employee" in his shop...And, I pray she never finds out that's what she is. I wouldn't want ro know that my husband has a constant "need" for something that I cannot do for him, yet he's pretending that I am.

 

Yes, some men have more than one woman - even wife in their lives (ie Islamic religion, culture), but those men have a requirement to treat each woman pretty much the same..Like if he buys a dress for one, he does for both. In affairs this does not take place (even in the latest "poly" hype now a days). The guy gives some to one and neglects the other women.

 

Some people pull off affairs (emotional and/or physical) for years cuz of their circumstances. I was with a guy for six years while he lived with his "concubine"/baby mama. Worked out for me cuz of my fear of getting to close to a guy and I was genuinely busy with work, school, etc (like I am to this day).

 

But in the OPs situation, I feel that his AP and wife aren't in this voluntarily. The wife is clueless and one day when the OP cannot quench his ego/thirst, he's gonna probably cross that line and do something to destroy his wife and family. And the AP, while married, is probably neglecting her husband and/or raising hopes that one day this thing with the OP turns into something.

 

But then maybe I'm wrong, the OP and AP fill each other and the scraps they give their spouses is enough and all's right with the world....

Edited November 24, 2015 by Gloria25

[FrostFire]

MightyPen will do what he wants. You could sit here and try to convince him other ways but he will ultimately make the decision for himself. I for one chose his path and confessed to my girlfriend at the time. Now fast forward a few years and I'm in an open polyamorous relationship living in a triad situation. Sure, it doesn't work for everybody and it goes against the norms but what's the harm in trying.

 

In fact, my OW we hit it off on just a sexual connection/fetish and developed our relationship from that. So I don't buy into all the responses of marriage and one partner for life etc. That puts too much pressure on anyone in my humble opinion. You can love more than one woman at a time it is very possible. Whatever the other woman cannot offer you in terms of emotional support/ego stroking the other can make up for it.

 

The fact is, I told my girlfriend and came clean. She had her choice to leave and we're still all together. Whether I fall flat on my face is my decision and my 2 women. Life is all about making decisions. We shouldn't be so hard on someone for making a decision that defies some moral value/standard that most of you seem to have. We human beings are unique in that sometimes we can just agree to disagree. MightyPen will choose what's best for him.

 

Seriously, stop being so hard on MightyPen you have no idea what his life truly feels like to him. All's you have to go by is your experiences and your pain. Relaying your pain to him sometimes is not beneficial because he's trying to make a decision for himself and his feelings. What may be painful for you may not necessarily be for him. I can understand his pain in No Contact with the OW, I've tried it and it has not worked for me. The ego, penis, or heart (drugged on brain chemicals - "the high") will do all our thinking.

 

MightyPen I support whatever decision you choose to do. I totally respect what you're doing with the other woman. Just remember that you have to live with your decisions. How long can you handle hiding your OW from your wife? If you can manage to do that for the rest of your life then who cares what others think of you. Live your life the way you want to live.

 

- Never Give Up!

[MadJackBird]

MightyPen will do what he wants. You could sit here and try to convince him other ways but he will ultimately make the decision for himself. I for one chose his path and confessed to my girlfriend at the time. Now fast forward a few years and I'm in an open polyamorous relationship living in a triad situation. Sure, it doesn't work for everybody and it goes against the norms but what's the harm in trying.

 

In fact, my OW we hit it off on just a sexual connection/fetish and developed our relationship from that. So I don't buy into all the responses of marriage and one partner for life etc. That puts too much pressure on anyone in my humble opinion. You can love more than one woman at a time it is very possible. Whatever the other woman cannot offer you in terms of emotional support/ego stroking the other can make up for it.

 

The fact is, I told my girlfriend and came clean. She had her choice to leave and we're still all together. Whether I fall flat on my face is my decision and my 2 women. Life is all about making decisions. We shouldn't be so hard on someone for making a decision that defies some moral value/standard that most of you seem to have. We human beings are unique in that sometimes we can just agree to disagree. MightyPen will choose what's best for him.

 

Seriously, stop being so hard on MightyPen you have no idea what his life truly feels like to him. All's you have to go by is your experiences and your pain. Relaying your pain to him sometimes is not beneficial because he's trying to make a decision for himself and his feelings. What may be painful for you may not necessarily be for him. I can understand his pain in No Contact with the OW, I've tried it and it has not worked for me. The ego, penis, or heart (drugged on brain chemicals - "the high") will do all our thinking.

 

MightyPen I support whatever decision you choose to do. I totally respect what you're doing with the other woman. Just remember that you have to live with your decisions. How long can you handle hiding your OW from your wife? If you can manage to do that for the rest of your life then who cares what others think of you. Live your life the way you want to live.

 

- Never Give Up!

 

It's not bad advice, but the key takeaway is that you came clean and were honest with your girlfriend. Mighty Pen is trying to hide his secret emotional adultery from his wife. I've advocated he come clean from the beginning. She deserves to know and deserves to know if she wants to be still married to someone that is emotionally invested in another woman. Your girlfriend got that choice, His wife does not at this point.

 

One big differences. You were not in a marriage relationship, which means Mighty Pen took vows to stay faithful to his wife. Well maybe he didn't or that isn't important to him I guess, I suppose it could have just been a marriage licences and no ceremony of vows and commitment.

[FrostFire]

Yes but I didn't come clean right away either. I pondered and thought about everything and it took me awhile. Eventually, I couldn't handle lieing anymore. It ate away too much at me and made me feel like crap that I couldn't just live with myself anymore.

 

Whether mightypen reaches that stage is up to him. Perhaps he can handle it better and in the end it's ultimately up to him. You all have good advice and I'm not trying to discourage it. We just need to be a bit more understanding of someone instead of judging someone so quickly because we have a core disagreement in sacred/moral values.

[MightyPen]

Since re-establishing things as purely "friends," the intensity has certainly died down a LOT. It's like we're both stepping on egg shells to be certain we don't say anything that could been remotely construed as romantic/flirty/playful, and well, walking that line is stressful.

 

I don't daydream about her anymore. In fact, she rarely crosses my mind anymore at all. It's starting to get to the point where, for me, the risk is significantly outweighed by the reward. I still like her (very much) as a person, but I'm not as compelled to reach out to talk to her as I used to be.

 

I guess our relationship is shriveling up and dying. It's probably time to cut our losses and focus on our own situations.

Edited December 2, 2015 by MightyPen

[FrostFire]

What does your heart till you to do MightyPen? You already broke her heart once by trying to break up with her now she's not willing to fully invest herself anymore because she doesn't want to get hurt again.

 

There's only 2 ways this could probably work out given how you say you're both responding. You either break it off entirely with her and never speak/think of her again (because it will just lead to pain for both of you) or you embrace her fully again and stop trying to kid yourself on the type of relationship you had. A relationship shouldn't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

 

It feels like that because you're trying to hold back the way you would like to feel about her. You're scared of how much damage it will do to your marriage and that's a good thing if you want to stay with your wife. I don't think you 2 are going to be able to make it work if you try to stay just friends. There's too much chemistry between the two of you and you're denying yourself of it.

 

So either embrace it and love another woman in secret or go be with your wife and work it out.

 

Have you actually suggested to your wife that you'd be up for trying a threesome (mmf/ffm) or having an open marriage just to gauge her reaction? Or do you think she would not be up to something like that. See how your wife reacts to those answers and that will be your clue if you can tell her about this other woman.

 

If this other woman makes you feel that much better about yourself than you at some point need to tell your wife about this other woman so you don't feel so crappy about yourself in the future. I can guarantee you this secret relationship is tearing away at the very foundation of your marriage bit by bit based off of how the two of you have been in the past.

[CarrieT]

I guess our relationship is shriveling up and dying. It's probably time to cut our losses and focus on our own situations.

 

That is encouraging.