Nemetona Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Unfortunately my ex boyfriend has been in touch. During our relationship he constantly put me down. Some of the stuff he said was really outlandish. For example, he is about 5ft 8 and slightly overweight. I am 5ft 9 and skinny. He kept saying stuff like: "You're really short and fat." And "I'm used to dating much taller more slender girls." He would make comments like these (and far worse) and then rub his finger beneath my eye to see if I was crying yet. Another time he said, "no matter how hard you try to be you will never be attractive." Another time before a job interview for a job I was soooo excited about he said: "I wouldn't bother going to the interview. You won't get the job. They're not looking to hire a woman." After I got said job he said: "They only hired you because you are a woman and look like the type who will put out for the boss." When I finally dumped him he told me the reason for all his abuse was because he felt I'm out of his league and he wanted to stop me from thinking I was good enough to leave him for someone else. And now he has the nerve to tell me he will never date another "pretty girl" again because apparently we are according to him "a waste of time. And all pu$$y looks the same anyway." How do I scrub the memory of my time with this douchebag from my brain? Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I don't think you need advice from us to get over him. You are at a good point already. It will come with time. But why are you in contact with him? He sounds awful! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Don't scrub it. Use it to make yourself stronger. Use it to look for red flags in future relationships. This guy was a teacher for you, and although his comments are ridiculous and hurtful, there are even much worse teachers out there you could have been saddled with. So now you have learned that you do not want someone who puts you down and makes you feel inferior. You will look for a man who is supportive and kind and respectful and loving. And living well will truly be your best revenge. Meanwhile, he will be out looking for an "ugly" girl so he can keep her under his thumb. Be thankful that it isn't you!!! He will never know the joy of an equal loving relationship, and you will. So you win. I am so sorry that he said all those things to you. You do know they aren't true, right? That he is just an insecure ass who needs to be on top? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 But why are you in contact with him? He sounds awful! And yes... cut off all contact with him. You don't need his kind of negativity in your life! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Don't scrub it. Use it to make yourself stronger. Use it to look for red flags in future relationships. This guy was a teacher for you, and although his comments are ridiculous and hurtful, there are even much worse teachers out there you could have been saddled with. So now you have learned that you do not want someone who puts you down and makes you feel inferior. You will look for a man who is supportive and kind and respectful and loving. And living well will truly be your best revenge. Meanwhile, he will be out looking for an "ugly" girl so he can keep her under his thumb. Be thankful that it isn't you!!! He will never know the joy of an equal loving relationship, and you will. So you win. I am so sorry that he said all those things to you. You do know they aren't true, right? That he is just an insecure ass who needs to be on top? It may sound weird but he had worked on me to the point where I couldn't see myself anymore. I started to believe him that I was short, fat, ugly, unintelligent, boring. Not that being any of those things would be a crime. By the time he was done it reached a point where my sense of self was eroded. If he'd told me I had green and blue striped skin and purple hair I would have believed him. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 ...How do I scrub the memory of my time with this douchebag from my brain? By concentrating on yourself and working on figuring out how - in the f*ck - you stayed a nanosecond longer with him, after the first put down left his lips and hit your ears. Best of luck to you, OP... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 It may sound weird but he had worked on me to the point where I couldn't see myself anymore. I started to believe him that I was short, fat, ugly, unintelligent, boring. Not that being any of those things would be a crime. By the time he was done it reached a point where my sense of self was eroded. If he'd told me I had green and blue striped skin and purple hair I would have believed him. Yeah, that is what abusers do. It will take a little time to shake off his voice in your head. When you dress up and feel pretty, you will hear his voice saying you aren't. But don't make the mistake of taking over where he left off. When you hear his voice, contest it. Tell him to shut up, take a deep breath, and tell yourself a different, more beautiful, truth about yourself. It may take a little time, but you will get over it, as long as you are conscious of his influence on your negative thoughts, and as long as you have a commitment to yourself to move past it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Yeah, that is what abusers do. It will take a little time to shake off his voice in your head. When you dress up and feel pretty, you will hear his voice saying you aren't. But don't make the mistake of taking over where he left off. When you hear his voice, contest it. Tell him to shut up, take a deep breath, and tell yourself a different, more beautiful, truth about yourself. It may take a little time, but you will get over it, as long as you are conscious of his influence on your negative thoughts, and as long as you have a commitment to yourself to move past it. I took a break from dating. But lately I've been dating again. It's helping my self image to go on dates with great guys and to feel attractive again. However with the latest guy I'm just waiting for him to start putting me down. I'm terrified that he will. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I took a break from dating. But lately I've been dating again. It's helping my self image to go on dates with great guys and to feel attractive again. However with the latest guy I'm just waiting for him to start putting me down. I'm terrified that he will. No need to be terrified. Have faith in yourself that if he starts putting you down, you will walk away. You don't have to trust him, as long as you trust yourself to do the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Wow, what a douche. Ok this is gonna sound gross but one way to very strongly disempower a former abuser is to literally pee on sth of theirs you have. It's a powerfully symbolic gesture that unmistakably invokes a reclamation of your autonomy and self-worth. I've 'prescribed' that for a few GFs struggling with ex issues (and even um helped them shall we say) and it's been very therapeutic each time. Might not exactly fit everyone's sensibilities but if you're inclined at all I think it could help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Wow, what a douche. Ok this is gonna sound gross but one way to very strongly disempower a former abuser is to literally pee on sth of theirs you have. It's a powerfully symbolic gesture that unmistakably invokes a reclamation of your autonomy and self-worth. I've 'prescribed' that for a few GFs struggling with ex issues (and even um helped them shall we say) and it's been very therapeutic each time. Might not exactly fit everyone's sensibilities but if you're inclined at all I think it could help. I love this idea LOL. But I don't have anything of his to pi$$ on! Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Any man who tells a woman she has put him of girls for life........well, that woman has probably done all girls a favor Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I love this idea LOL. But I don't have anything of his to pi$$ on! Nothing at all? Everyone's got something! Best choices are clothing items but other stuff will do - toothbrush, picture, even sth like a key to his place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 All pussy definitely does not look the same. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 All pussy definitely does not look the same. Nor is a woman good for nothing but her pussy. What he said is disgusting and very telling about what kind of person he is, on many levels. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 All pussy definitely does not look the same. He wasn't saying it bc it was true. Pretty much every abuser tries to create a sort of alternate reality for their victim thru systematic conditioning and even outright brainwashing, and sometimes these 'realities' can get to be outrageous. As long as it suits their needs and goals, that's pretty much all that mattes. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 He wasn't saying it bc it was true. Pretty much every abuser tries to create a sort of alternate reality for their victim thru systematic conditioning and even outright brainwashing, and sometimes these 'realities' can get to be outrageous. As long as it suits their needs and goals, that's pretty much all that mattes. Yeah that is clearly what he was doing. Maybe it is surprising that he didn't try to physically attack me as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 This guy is an abusive jerk. I hope you are strong and mature enough to learn from this and not let another man treat you this way. Don't be like a Marilyn Monroe and pull in abusive man after another until it kills you. That said... there are men who say things like what he said about "beautiful" and/or just "skinny" women. That is since such women are so sought after and have so many options unless you are top looking, top earning man you can never really truly have one of them. (i.e. even if they are your wife they will have a side man who is either better looking or has more money.) ". Ironically when one is very desirable, man or woman, it can be hard to find someone who wants a relationship with you who will not be a bit of an insecure abusive jerk. It is hard but not impossible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Oh, and OP...from "pretty girls", everywhere... Thank you!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Oh, and OP...from "pretty girls", everywhere... Thank you!!! What are you thanking me for though? Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 What are you thanking me for though? According to the title of your post, he said: "You've put me off pretty girls for life." So, from "pretty girls", everywhere: thank you for taking one for the team. Now, no "pretty girl" will ever have to deal with his verbal/emotional abuse again. Assuming, of course, he's a man of integrity and will stick to his promise to the universe. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nemetona Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 According to the title of your post, he said: "You've put me off pretty girls for life." So, from "pretty girls", everywhere: thank you for taking one for the team. Now, no "pretty girl" will ever have to deal with his verbal/emotional abuse again. Assuming, of course, he's a man of integrity and will stick to his promise to the universe. hahaha, I get it! Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 It may sound weird but he had worked on me to the point where I couldn't see myself anymore. I started to believe him that I was short, fat, ugly, unintelligent, boring. Not that being any of those things would be a crime. By the time he was done it reached a point where my sense of self was eroded. If he'd told me I had green and blue striped skin and purple hair I would have believed him. Wow...I am really shocked at the power of conditioning. It can even make a 5'9 girl believes she is short?! wow...how can that be? it's mind boggling to me. How? really? wow... Link to post Share on other sites
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