Boyfriend relationship with cousin.

[FreyaT]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. For around 3 months I have noticed that he texts and talks to his cousin a lot. I didn't think that much of it, until I found out he was meeting up with her behind my back. Now it could have been innocent, but I found out by accident when I was leaving for work and a message flashed up see you at 12 looking forward to it. I confronted him about it, and he said he should have told me he was sorry.

 

So from there I just had a 'feeling' I went through his e-mail and found some old ones from a couple of years ago. They have definately had a relationship and a sexual one. Declaring love for each other, longing for each other when they were apart. Sexual explicit in some. I felt really bad reading them, and a little bit angry that he didn't tell me. He always said she is my cousin and I just care about her. I also feel a little bit disgusted he had such a relationship with his cousin. I know you can marry a first cousin, but family is family to me I could never do it.

 

I confronted him and he was angry that it was his past, like I had a past. I did point out that she was very much in our present and he is always in contact with her, more than me sometimes. He told me he thought she was his soul mate, but she ended things and went off the rails a bit. He just basically turned it around on me, saying he doesn't ask about who I have slept with etc, as it is the past and it's now that counts.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm not comfortable with it at all now, reading all those intimate e-mails (I feel really bad about that as a person) I feel so jealous and they still use the same pet names now as they did back them. Is it me? Is it that past I just don't know!

[TaraMaiden2]

How you feel, is how you feel.

Many people on this website are utterly appalled by cousin-cousin relationships; but in many countries it's quite legal, acceptable and not unusual.

People still harbour this notion of it being incest, which actually, it isn't.

 

if she's still in his present, but he keeps trying to use your past as leverage - then you're uncomfortable 1, 2, 3 ways...

 

You need to forget, for an instant, that it's his cousin.

Would you put up with what he's doing?

would you try to turn a blind eye and accept it?

No?

Then don't.

[FreyaT]

In a word no I wouldn't stand for it if she wasn't his cousin. That what makes me feel even worse about it all. Before I found out they had a relationship he said she was family and he would never fob her off, he would always help if he could. He used the same line when we talked about their relationship and the present. She was family! He tried to play the relationship down and it then clicked. When he used to talk about a past relationship how she left and broke his heart when he thought she was the one. He never mentioned her name, but it's his cousin as it was the same scenario. It just makes me sick to the stomach if they are carrying on behind my back now or not.

 

 

How you feel, is how you feel.

Many people on this website are utterly appalled by cousin-cousin relationships; but in many countries it's quite legal, acceptable and not unusual.

People still harbour this notion of it being incest, which actually, it isn't.

 

if she's still in his present, but he keeps trying to use your past as leverage - then you're uncomfortable 1, 2, 3 ways...

 

You need to forget, for an instant, that it's his cousin.

Would you put up with what he's doing?

would you try to turn a blind eye and accept it?

No?

Then don't.

[TaraMaiden2]

In a word no I wouldn't stand for it if she wasn't his cousin. That what makes me feel even worse about it all. Before I found out they had a relationship he said she was family and he would never fob her off, he would always help if he could. He used the same line when we talked about their relationship and the present. She was family! He tried to play the relationship down and it then clicked. When he used to talk about a past relationship how she left and broke his heart when he thought she was the one. He never mentioned her name, but it's his cousin as it was the same scenario. It just makes me sick to the stomach if they are carrying on behind my back now or not.

 

You're not reading me.

You shouldn't stand for it, no matter who she is.

Dump him, he disrespects you, lies to you and is emotionally cheating on you.

You're not his main love, you're his 2nd option.

When - I say again, WHEN - you break up with him, he won't care half as much about losing you as he did about losing her.

 

You need to get out of this relationship.

Which actually, isn't a relationship at all.

 

How old are you all?

[FreyaT]

Mid 20's we live together and I really thought we had a future. Why isn't he with her then? If they are thick as thieves why not come out in the open and do the decent thing. He claims he loves me and wants a future, how can I look at him in the same way? You are right I have to face it but I love him. I don't think I can get past this though.

 

 

You're not reading me.

You shouldn't stand for it, no matter who she is.

Dump him, he disrespects you, lies to you and is emotionally cheating on you.

You're not his main love, you're his 2nd option.

When - I say again, WHEN - you break up with him, he won't care half as much about losing you as he did about losing her.

 

You need to get out of this relationship.

Which actually, isn't a relationship at all.

 

How old are you all?

[TaraMaiden2]

Mid 20's we live together and I really thought we had a future.

You can't envision a future with a guy whose brain hasn't finished forming yet.

Emotionally, you're more mature than he is.

So really, you're dating someone 3 years younger. It's stunted development, but he will catch up.

Just not yet.

(Incidentally, to be fair, there are zones of the brain in guys, which are ahead of those in ladies, at your age and younger....)

 

Why isn't he with her then? If they are thick as thieves why not come out in the open and do the decent thing. He claims he loves me and wants a future, how can I look at him in the same way?

He's not with her because she ended it. Otherwise you can bet your bottom dollar that's where he would be.

And he won't admit it, because people are very judgemental about the cousin/cousin thing. Maybe he feels guilty about it too...

 

You are right I have to face it but I love him. I don't think I can get past this though

No you can't because he won't give you that pass.

You have to end it, because much as you love him remember this: He loves you less.

 

Are you willing to settle for that?

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Sexual relationship with cousin? NEXT!!!?

[d0nnivain]

Even taking the squicky cousin incest thing out of the equation, I would not put up with a SO who was still that close to a past lover. Next.

[smackie9]

He's not with her because she doesn't see it being right (what would their family think??) so she can't bring herself to continue with it, but the emotional attachment is still intense. Probably the taboo part just makes is even more enticing, and they can't let go.....they are on the fence still about this. IMO they are just kidding themselves, this isn't over.

 

If I were you I would just tell him there are too many people in your relationship, that 3 is a crowd, and it's best to let him go figure things out on his own. Bubbb-bye. Not because they are cousins but the fact that they are carrying on with their relationship emotionally. And if they are meeting up, it wouldn't surprise me they are still having sex.

 

Marrying your cousin is quite normal in a lot of cultures. Cousins dating....more common than you think. I went to college with a girl that was dating her cousin....oh well.

[Grapesofwrath]

Are they first cousins? Second cousins? The cousin thing...in the U.S. it is not legal to marry your first cousin in half of the states, but you can marry a second cousin or further on the family tree. The reason for this is genetics. The likelihood of having a child with birth defects is higher when you breed that closely to your own genome. In some states, it's illegal to even have sexual relations with a first cousin. In other countries, the laws may differ.

 

Beyond that, it seems he is having some kind of relationship with her that he is hiding from you. You had to snoop to get the truth, and that's never a good place to be. Your inner voice is telling you something. Listen carefully.

[Jinx01]

He's cheating. Doesn't matter if they are cousins it just makes it weirder.

 

Wish them luck with there future hemophiliac babies and leave. Save yourself a little heart break.

[Space Ritual]

Glad I'm late to this one. It has Hee Haw written all over it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Where are your standards, OP? He is in love with another woman. Who happens to be a blood relative. Get out now.

[Lois_Griffin]

Mid 20's we live together and I really thought we had a future. Why isn't he with her then? If they are thick as thieves why not come out in the open and do the decent thing. He claims he loves me and wants a future, how can I look at him in the same way? You are right I have to face it but I love him. I don't think I can get past this though.

Come on. It's pretty obvious why these two inbreeds don't shout their 'luuurve' from the rooftops.

 

Uncle Daddy might approve of their romance, but most normal people would not.

 

So these two creepers hide their 'relationship' by being with others. He uses YOU as his 'normal' relationship and she probably uses someone else, as well.

 

You can continue to be his 'beard' or you can choose better for yourself.

 

Do you folks live in Arkansas, by chance?

[qubist]

He uses YOU as his 'normal' relationship and she probably uses someone else, as well.

 

this sums up the whole thread in my opinion

[Try]

I found out by accident when I was leaving for work and a message flashed up see you at 12 looking forward to it. I confronted him about it, and he said he should have told me he was sorry.

He told me he thought she was his soul mate, but she ended things and went off the rails a bit. He just basically turned it around on me, saying he doesn't ask about who I have slept with etc, as it is the past and it's now that counts.

Tell him that the big difference is that while your ex-lovers are truly in the past, since you are no longer seeing or talking to them, his ex-lover that that "he thought she was his soul mate" is still very much in his life, to the point where he is secretly seeing her behind your back. Also, tell him that as long as his ex-lover is in his "now" and not his past, you have every right ask and talk about her.

 

Look the whole "she is family so it is OK for me to see her" thing, is based on the premise that most people in this country do not have romantic relationships with family members. Since he has been romantically involved with her, that premise does not apply, and it was and is dishonest for him to claim that it does. If you do not just dump him right now, you need to demand that he treat her the same way that you treat your ex-lovers. She needs to be out of his life and he must no longer see her or be in contact with her. Family rules only applies to family members you have not been in a romantic relationship with.

[Clockwork]

Not that this helps at all, but cousin flings are more common than you'd think. My wife was 20 and ran into an older and estranged cousin at a bar. Didn't think anything of it, went back to his house and it was the first time she ever tried pot. Next thing you know she's out like a light and wakes up the next morning in bed with him, naked. Yeah, dumb decisions on her part, but it just goes to show you that especially men can long after their cousins like that. Her situation of course was before we met and to be honest, this cousin is out of the country now and she never saw him anyway.

 

 

But it happens. I was 25 and my cousin was 18 and we were both single and I was pretty close to making a pass at her to be honest. I had just gotten out of a relationship and all of the sudden this cousin I grew up with was a young woman now and I resisted the urge to hit on her. She was at my house just hanging out (she probably wouldn't have even thought anything of it) and to be honest I am glad I never did. It was just a weak moment.

 

 

But this guy of yours is going beyond that. They actually had a relationship, not even just sex that they regret. There is obviously something deep there and I would run for the hills. Not just because it is his cousin, but because he is interested in another woman that he was intimate with already.