My boyfriend is out of control

[mermaid-girl]

Hi Everyone...this is my first ever forum post but i really need to write this down somewhere public and maybe someone will have time to reply and help me understand the situation i have got myself into and what i should do.

 

My relationship has suddenly become destructive and poisonous and i feel very helpless. I am been with this guy for a year and a half, although 9 months in the middle of the relationship was long distance (He lives in California and i was living in England). We were really in love, I thought he was the best man in the world and the one for me. After i graduated from University 3 months ago, i moved over to America to be with him and start a life together, full of hope and optimism that everything was going to be wonderful. The reality of the last three months have been extremely different. From the first week i got here it has been very unstable between us. If i say or do something he doesn't like then he completely loses control. A small thing can turn into a life or death argument. He has smashed 3 phones, ripped many of his clothes, thrown glasses against the wall, broken things in our house and most scarily of all he starts to uncontrollably hit himself. He punches himself in the head, tears at his chest and has given himself black eyes and bruises all over his body. I have tried everything i can to stop him. I do not feed the argument and beg him to stop, but as soon as he loses his temper then i cannot bring him back for the rest of the day or night. If i try and leave he threatens me with suicide. I feel so emotionally abused and manipulated by him. The threats and these outburst are getting more and more extreme. I'm scared for him and full of guilt that i somehow cause or trigger this reaction from him.

 

The day after these attacks happen, he is full of remorse and says it will never happen again. He says he is so in love with me and so desperate to make it work that he gets so angry at himself when he does something wrong and he loses control and it escalates in a vicious cycle. I don't know how to understand this? He is clearly not stable.

 

I am so unhappy in this relationship and i think it is destroying both of us.

I want to leave him but we are financially committed to renting a house together and i left everything in England to move here. I have no where else to go. I really don't know what I should do now. Please, any advice and outside perspective on the situation would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for your time reading this.

[unluckycharms]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Please realize that your boyfriend's intentions don't matter. He may well love you and feel bad when he lashes out, but the effect on you is the same. He's still putting you in danger and emotionally abusing you. No one should have to put up with that type of behavior and I would highly encourage you to leave as there's a risk it will only get worse over time. It sounds like your boyfriend needs long term counseling and psychiatric medication to even have a chance of changing. You are not obligated to stay by his side or try to force him to sort through his demons. There are womens' shelters you can stay at if you truly have no money, but otherwise you can likely find a cheap room on Craigslist until you can save up enough to get an apartment.

 

To offer another point of view, I grew up in a household with a father that exhibits behavior pretty similar to what you are describing, down to the hitting himself (my mom also had a temper but not nearly as bad). My brother and I were constantly terrified and we both have still have anxiety in our mid-late 20s because we didn't understand why dad would fly off the handle for no reason. I remember being so afraid of one of his tantrums once that I went outside and sat in the front yard crying and holding my hands over my ears until a neighbor saw me. My brother checked out of life in his teens and is a serious drug addict who is slowly killing himself. I went the other way and obsessively focused on outward success, but I have had a lot of issues and am just getting out of a dysfunctional abusive relationship myself (like you, it's what inspired me to post here in the first place). Kids suffer terribly around this type of person because they don't know what causes the outbursts and end up thinking it's their fault.

 

I know it's hard to leave, but it's worth it. Google the cycle of abuse - my best friend showed it to me when my ex first started with the attacks and it made sense to me. Hopefully it will for you too.

Edited September 29, 2015 by unluckycharms
Typo

[salparadise]

You have to get out of that situation, regardless of the financial issues. Staying in a situation this volatile is not an option.

 

Call a women's resource center/shelter for help creating an exit strategy. They have counseling and legal assistance and are connected to mental health resources that he needs too. But the focus had to be on you and your safety.

 

Don't be influenced by his threats of suicide. If he's threatening suicide he needs to be hospitalized where he can get the help he needs. You aren't responsible––you didn't create this and you can't fix it. All you can do is extract yourself.

 

If he goes into another tirade before you can arrange a place to go, call 911.

[turnera]

You have to leave him.

 

He needs help, but he will never get help as long as you are still with him. He has to have a reason to get help.

 

So try to look at leaving him as doing the RIGHT thing, for both of you.

 

Financially, just look for the county agencies where you live and ask for help finding a woman's shelter. They will let you live there, he won't know where you are, and they'll help you get back on your feet financially.

[Satu]

He is mentally ill and nothing you can do will fix that.

 

Get yourself back to England asap.

[bathtub-row]

There is no other solution but to leave and do it when he's not around. This man is seriously violent and unstable. If he kills himself, that's his problem. Get away from him as fast as you can but don't act any differently toward him to cause him to suspect that you're going to go.

 

Do not ever let anyone manipulate and control you like this. Get away from him and never make contact again. If you're trapped, call the police and have them escort you out. This is nothing to play around with, and please don't waste your time feeling sorry for him. He never revealed to you who he really was and he knows that. He's simply hoping to put you in fear and break your spirit so that you'll stay.

[regine_phalange]

Can you secretly arrange with the landlord to pay your share or rent directly for the next months? Or pay all of your share beforehand (it may be a lot of money though).

 

Bathtub has a nice idea. Or don't tell your boyfriend you want to leave. Pretend everything is fine and then suddenly find a reason to fly back to England at the last moment so he won't be able to come. When you land there tell him that it's over and you've told all the people you know in England about him and if he comes there he will be very sorry.

[Nemetona]

Get out NOW. Are you from England or are you an American? Do you have family or trusted friends who can help you escape from this maniac?

[Chloecat]

I have been down this road! I can tell you with certainty where it leads. It leads to years and years of tears, apologies, promises, hurt, then euphoria when you feel he has changed! Terrible disappointment when you realise he hasn't Its a merry go around....its a terrible way to live. I know exactly how you feel' But you must book a flight back to England....don't tell him of your intentions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a letter, asking him to get help, tell him to contact a psychologist and that he is not fit for a relationship because he obviously has anger issues amongst other things.

Leave the letter somewhere he can see.....then GO. GO. Get on that flight home, no matter what the financial implications. Just do it. Yes, it is scary, you think about your boyfriend, how he will feel, how much he loves you, how you can heal him. I thought that....for years and years. Then I had children, and still didn't leave, my daughter now has depression and anxiety.

This will not improve with time. This will ultimately effect your health. (I have an auto immune disorder due to the prolonged stress of living 20 odd years with an abusive man).

 

 

I can guarantee you NOTHING you do will help. You are his sounding board, you are his MAMMA, you are someone he can TAKE IT ALL OUT ON, if it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else....and he would be telling that someone else the same things...."I love you so much...I cant live without you...." blah blah blah. Its rubbish.

Love does not behave like this. You cannot save him.....you cannot heal him. He has deep issues. Maybe you have some issues too? But whatever.....just pack up your stuff, book that flight and go. Leave the letter. But after that NEVER contact him again. You will weaken just talking to him, or being in his presence. Its like an addiction. Just walk away. Oh and make sure you clear your browsing history on the computer.

Good luck x

[d0nnivain]

Sadly you did not know or see his true colors until you moved. You do have to get out of this situation immediately before he kills you.

 

 

Reach out to somebody back home --parents, old friends, anybody & beg them to buy you a ticket home The could be saving your life.

 

 

Meanwhile, call the police every time he gets violent & educate yourself about the closet women's shelters.

 

 

You may even want to reach out to the British embassy for help.

[bathtub-row]

The only thing I would say about leaving a letter is that he may come home at an unexpected time, see it and be able to chase you down. I wouldn't breath a word about it until you're safely back in England. At that point, send him an email letting him know to never contact you again. I know this sounds cold and harsh but this is really all he deserves for tricking you the way he did.

[mermaid-girl]

Thank you all so much for reading and replying to this. Your words and understanding have really helped me. I have stopped feeling guilty and upset and am starting to get angry for how he has treated me. It is really not okay.

 

I went home last night but he wasn't there. He had been grocery shopping and had bought flowers and nice food and presents for me. It made me feel sick. He stayed in his office until 10pm and then asked if he could come and sleep here. I didn't see or speak to him and he didn't try to. I left for work this morning before he woke up.

 

He is begging to talk to me tonight and try and explain and i genuinely do believe he is sorry. What should i do? Should i go home and see what he has to say? He has promised to leave as soon as i tell him too and he seems like he is much calmer now.

[regine_phalange]

He is begging to talk to me tonight and try and explain and i genuinely do believe he is sorry. What should i do? Should i go home and see what he has to say? He has promised to leave as soon as i tell him too and he seems like he is much calmer now.

 

Yes, he's truly sorry right now, but if you show compassion and listen to his stories he'll know he can push further the next time. Been there myself, and it escalated to a choking attempt! And it was a long distance relationship before I moved there too. I left half my possessions in his home so he wouldn't suspect that I was to leave him. I had some bureaucratic work in my home country so this was my excuse to leave without upsetting him. And then I left and broke up with him. He went furious about how I tricked him and wanted to commit suicide. But I called his friends and he was embarrassed (it was a manipulation tactic) and he didn't do it again. I also told my brother (whos 6.2" and very strong) and he was furious - he wanted to travel all the way there to break his teeth. And of course my ex boyfriend was scared. He could be the macho guy with me, but not with someone bigger and stronger than him.

 

Stay away, is my opinion.

[stillafool]

Save your money and move back to England ASAP!

[bathtub-row]

Until I got on LS, I never understood why women were such victims so often. Now I get it, and see it so clearly. I hope you will, too, very soon. It's your kindness, forgivingness, and understanding that is going to be your downfall in this situation. Those things are going to override your wisdom, common sense, and instincts.

 

The man is completely certifiable. He knows he has pushed you too far and is now going to try to reel you back in. He will do this for as long as you're around to put up with it. Or until he kills you. Your call.

[turnera]

Tell him you'll meet him at a public restaurant. He's less likely to act out there. In the meantime, educate yourself about what you're dealing with:

Cycle of Abuse

[Chloecat]

Please don't let anything change your mind.

 

 

I know its difficult. But, you HAVE to get yourself away from him. He has an effect on you, your kind nature, mothering nature....THATS what he plugs in to. But he is not your baby. He is a grown man but he has a lot of issues and YOU are his chosen SPONGE to soak up all the negativity so HE can function in life.

 

 

All his words, sugar coated, sweet and lovely - are lies. His flowers and any gifts are manipulation. All of it is deceitful. A means to wind you back in. Then soon as you are back in WHAM!!!

 

 

The feeling of disappointment is overwheaming. So many times I have been there. My H acting so nice...."oh great, things are going to be OK" then WHAM!!! Out of nowhere about NOTHING, he erupted! I always felt like I had been Jumped and it hurt so much. And it happened again and again.

 

 

Go now.

[Miss Peach]

I have been in the same situation. He would buy me all sorts of presents and apologize and would do the same thing again and again. I really loved and cared for him and made excuses for him until I started developing anxiety and couldn't make excuses anymore. I always thought *I* did something and that I could make him not get angry. Over the source of 9 year that never happened. I feel so much better now that I've been on my own for a while.

 

My advice is to figure out if you want. Do you want to stay in the US or move back to England? I would act as boring as possible as you arrange to get your stuff out of there. I found that if I started enacting boundaries the abuse got worse. If I acted docile around him I was able to keep him calmer as I prepared to leave. The dynamic is really about control. Do you have anyone in the US that can help you? If you have a lot could they store it in their garage for you or help you move it to a storage unit? Could you take a day off work and move out when he's at work?

 

I agree with the previous advice not to tell him until you are safe elsewhere and he has no idea where. I'll tell you my experience is that even in public, my ex would threaten me when no one could hear it. Being in public won't keep you safe IMO.

 

Just a little BTDT advice, I sought out my area's local shelters and DV services but since I was working I really didn't qualify for any help. If you have friends or coworkers you trust I would seek help there as well as professional help. If you qualify for anything at a DV or woman's shelter just consider it a nice to have. Make a plan where that's not a necessity to leave.

 

If you want to understand abuse in general I would read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?'.

 

I also found books about self esteem really helpful for undoing the damage. One of my favorites is Natalie Lue's blog Baggage Reclaim. She also has several books. A lot of people also like the book 'Women Who Love Too Much' which deals with codependency which is often in abusive relationships but personally I didn't find it as helpful.

[Chloecat]

Yes, I thought I could fix it...that it was I...then I left him when I realised I was actually the I that was winding him up. Surely he would be better off without the I. Then when the I left, he changed!

 

 

I does not change HIM

I does not fix HIM

I needs to get the hell away from HIM. Or Her....or whoever the abuser is.

 

 

Gone quiet here....maybe he and the I are being loved up right now? Well, it wont last. Get the I out of there. When the pendulum swings back, when the abuse cycle comes around the next cycle and you come back here and read the words....just go. Leave him a letter. Get yourself away. He aint going to change. But he will change you. He will make you anxious, worried, thin...or fat....(stress eating) he will make you Cry, cry, cry....then laugh with hope and joy, then he will JUMP you and not in a good way....NO...he will LEAP on your dreams and hopes and smash them.

 

 

Eventually, you may have enough. By then you might have a baby. And then it gets COMPLICATED.

 

 

Go now Sweetie. Go now!!!

[mmcain]

His temper is his problem. No way would I sit around and be a witness to something that could eventually become physical acts towards me.

 

Its no way to live and I can only imagine the anxiety you must have during these incidents. Go through your contacts list ; someone will support your temporary lodging until you get on your feet.