My brothers memorial - unwanted family member

[Jadey]

Please take time to read this cos its pretty important. Ok well, the first year anniversity of my twin brothers death is comming up on the 27th of June. My great aunt (my mums aunt) has had some problems with some of our faimly, esp my mum, theyve always had their dissagreements and very akward times. But me and my brother always got on quite well with her. After my Grandmas funeral 3 months ago my mum and her aunt had a massive massive argument regarding how my mum wos brught up. She had a ****ty childhood and wos talking about it when her aunt had a go at her for bad mouthing her sister (my mums mum) Since then they have had no contact. I still see her almost daily on the way to school when she goes to work. She is always talking bout my mum and how she thinks shes disrespectful (my mum is not a disrespectful person wotsoever ) I have actually told her that i would rather not get involved with their arguments and hear her run down my mum, as i have also told my mum i like my gt aunt. Now the problem is, on 27th June were having a memorial service for my brother. My gt aunt found out and has asked me if she can go. I asked my mum and she refuses to let her. My gt aunt broke donw in tears saying how much she loved Ross and feels she really wants to go to say her goodbyes (she wos in hospital at the time of his funeral) But my mum also keep breaking down in tears saying how she has doen her wrong and wos always abusive to her and she doesnt want her sat her sons memorial. I am completley torn in two. I dont know wot to do. I personally want her there and i know Ross would. They always got on well and she DID love him alots. I dont want to be harsh on my mum cos obv shes still grieving over Ross, as am i. And it would bvreak her heart if i told her she should come. But it will break my gt aunts heart too probably. Ive spoken to my other brother and my sister and they said its down to mum. But i really feel its not really fair. Shouldnt she have the cahance to say bye to her gt nephew?

 

Wot the hell do i do? This should be a time to come together

 

Please help

[PappyBoyington]

I agree that your great aunt has a right to be there at the memorial, and that it's important to her. Both your mum and your great aunt need to set their differences aside, just for one day, and focus on the memory of your brother. Maybe they can sit away from each other... Other family members can be on the lookout to help keep them occupied and apart. It can work out if they want it to. I recently got married, and my own grandma and grandpa were not at my wedding because of an ongoing feud with my uncle. It really says allot when someone's hate supersedes their love for others. I didn't try to win over my gm and gp to come to my wedding because frankly if it wasn't important enough to them to be there, I wasn't going to place any importance on it either. But it sounds to me like this is important to you and to your great aunt. My advice would be to talk to your mum again - Explain how important this is to YOU, not your great aunt, that she be there. Ask your mum for any scenario that would make it okay, such as your GA intentionally staying away from your mum. Maybe the two of you can work something out amicably. If your mum doesn't budge, offer to take your aunt to your brother's resting place or a special spot the next day and have another memorial together. It will be special to you both.

[SexKitten]

hi jadey...

 

i can't say i would know what to do in this situation, but i wanted to say i am so sorry for your loss. that's a horrible thing to have to go through, and i hope you're hanging in there.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Since you are in the position of a go-between, try and make a deal with the two of them to sit apart, have no verbal contact (or physical for that matter), and have your aunt attend the service only, and no other events (such as after-reception or anything like that).

 

Suggest to your aunt that she quietly slip into the service, and leave as soon as it's over. But you should clear this with your mother.

 

Don't forget to tell them that you love them both.

[HokeyReligions]

Pappy said basically what I would say.

 

Who arranged the memorial? I know it's petty, but your mom's wishes come first. Perhaps you could draft a short "contract/letter" and present it to both of them. I did something like that for another situation where there was a feud and it seemed to work. I don't remember how I had it worded, but something like:

 

[color=darkblue]I am writing this because I cannot remain composed enough to talk about it. I feel that I am in the middle of a tug-of-war between people I love and who I know love me; and it's causing all of us additional grief.

 

Because Ross loved you both, and you both loved Ross, I am proposing that each of you put aside your differences for HIS sake and attend his memorial. You do not have to talk with each other, and you must promise not to talk about each other. The focus is Ross. If you can both agree to this, please sign this contract and return it to me.

 

If you both decide that your personal issues supercede the memory of Ross, then I am stepping out of it and do not want to be in the middle again. I refuse to be dragged into it and you can each do whatever you feel is best with no support from me.[/color]

 

It may sound silly, but the people I dealt with in my own family finally woke up to the fact that their feud was hurting others and they both signed my contract. I was laughed at by others at first, but when it came down to it, they behaved themselves.

 

Do you think anything like this would work for your family?

[Jadey]

Thanks for all your advice guys. I apreciate it. So heres wot happend. Last night me and my mum wos watching TV and this programme about death came on and it really got me sad and i could tell by the look on my mums face that it did her too. I broke down and cried. Shes comforted me and said its ok Ross wos watching down on us and i said "actually mum i think it would help if youd just let Valerie come to the memorial and be civial its wot ross would ahve wanted" she said no still. I got really angry and shouted "youre not putting ross first i ****ing know that he would want her there, how can you go against his wishes??" harsh i know. Its just the grief of him and breaking up with my bf had all got to me and it all came puring out. She looked really shocked and hrt and went upstairs i wos relly worried and hurt. Then about half an hour later she came down crying, put her arm around me and said shed let Valerie come and even try and be friends with her as much as she can, and told me to not feel bad about wot i said. She called her this morning and asked if she could round. She came round this evening and they talked abut everything and got on really well. Valerie is now comming and it looks like they are making up. Fingers crossed this will last!!

 

but i wanted to say i am so sorry for your loss. that's a horrible thing to have to go through, and i hope you're hanging in there.

 

I apreciate that. Im doing ok considering..