Feeling weird about XW remarrying

[ChicagoSparty]

I appreciate everybody's input here. Thank you.

 

Last night, I spent some time reflecting on this whole issue and why certain things kind of get to me. It dawned on me that it's about more than just the kids. It signifies the absolute end of a life I had.

 

Don't get me wrong. The divorce was the right thing, and I don't wish to be back in that relationship. But her family was very much my family, and we were really close. Her brother in particular. We were brothers, almost from the word 'go'. We've traveled the country together, we were each other's best man at our respective weddings. We did everything together. Die-hard Michigan State fans, we went to the games together. Everything.

 

We haven't talked in years beyond a quick 'hello' when I've picked the kids up at his house. It's really sad.

 

Same thing with her dad. Football games, golfing, working on little projects, whatever. It's officially gone.

 

Here's why I think this stuff gets to me. I don't really have much in the way of family. My mother and I were not close, and she just passed away this summer. I didn't know my dad growing up, and although we've built something of a relationship, it's not father/son, and I really have a hard time caring. My dad's side of the family, whom I was close with growing up, is small. Grandparents have passed away. My cousins who were like brothers and sisters have decided that politics is more important than relationships, so we don't talk much anymore. My mom's side of the family? Ugh...forget it. Train wreck, and nobody is at all close.

 

So, that kind of leaves just me. On holidays, if I don't have the kids, there's really no 'family' stuff to do. During summer, when it comes to things like camping trips, etc...if I don't have the kids, it's just me. I'm not one to glom onto other people, especially since everybody has kids, so everything they do is kid-centric.

 

It's a little bit bleak looking into the future and seeing that I'm pretty much going all-in on my kids to be my family. And then I see my XW and the new guy...everything they do is with family (hers and his), they have all these kids all the time, they're just always doing stuff together. Its hard. Its hard to see it. And then when practically the only thing the kids ever talk about is all the stuff they do, it sinks in a little deeper and harder.

 

I'm not trying to whine, but it does kind of suck to have been born into two basically worthless families, especially when others have these big, close, involved families. I don't know....sh*tty.

[stillafool]

Fishing with dad will always be special, regardless of whoever else helps them fish.

 

More people to love them is better than fewer. Love multiplies.

 

So true. My granddad was poor but loved to take us fishing. He made me a fishing pole out of a wooden stick. I still have it today but other more expensive rods. Which one do you think means the most to me?

[WasOtherWoman]

I appreciate everybody's input here. Thank you.

 

Last night, I spent some time reflecting on this whole issue and why certain things kind of get to me. It dawned on me that it's about more than just the kids. It signifies the absolute end of a life I had.

 

Don't get me wrong. The divorce was the right thing, and I don't wish to be back in that relationship. But her family was very much my family, and we were really close. Her brother in particular. We were brothers, almost from the word 'go'. We've traveled the country together, we were each other's best man at our respective weddings. We did everything together. Die-hard Michigan State fans, we went to the games together. Everything.

 

We haven't talked in years beyond a quick 'hello' when I've picked the kids up at his house. It's really sad.

 

Same thing with her dad. Football games, golfing, working on little projects, whatever. It's officially gone.

 

Here's why I think this stuff gets to me. I don't really have much in the way of family. My mother and I were not close, and she just passed away this summer. I didn't know my dad growing up, and although we've built something of a relationship, it's not father/son, and I really have a hard time caring. My dad's side of the family, whom I was close with growing up, is small. Grandparents have passed away. My cousins who were like brothers and sisters have decided that politics is more important than relationships, so we don't talk much anymore. My mom's side of the family? Ugh...forget it. Train wreck, and nobody is at all close.

 

So, that kind of leaves just me. On holidays, if I don't have the kids, there's really no 'family' stuff to do. During summer, when it comes to things like camping trips, etc...if I don't have the kids, it's just me. I'm not one to glom onto other people, especially since everybody has kids, so everything they do is kid-centric.

 

It's a little bit bleak looking into the future and seeing that I'm pretty much going all-in on my kids to be my family. And then I see my XW and the new guy...everything they do is with family (hers and his), they have all these kids all the time, they're just always doing stuff together. Its hard. Its hard to see it. And then when practically the only thing the kids ever talk about is all the stuff they do, it sinks in a little deeper and harder.

 

I'm not trying to whine, but it does kind of suck to have been born into two basically worthless families, especially when others have these big, close, involved families. I don't know....sh*tty.

 

So - why did you have to lose her family too? Does it really have to be that way? My husband's XW is still very much a part of the family. Just because he is married to me now, does not mean that she does not still love his family and his family does not still love her. Why can't there be plenty of room for everyone? My husband's XW has somehow even become a part of MY side of the family now too. We just kind of erased all of the boundaries and found a place for everyone. Could something like that work for you also?

[chew123]

Chicago,

 

Was has a valid point. It sounds like your breakup was mutual without infidelity involved. If that is the case why can't you still be friends with your inlaws as well as your ex and her new husband to some degree?

 

At least with the brother and your fatherinlaw. Maybe propose a guys only fishing trip with them and your sons to get the ball rolling.

[toolforgrowth]

Where on earth did you get that crazy idea from? The courts in most jurisdictions would laugh at you if you were to say that.

 

The court's primary concern is the welfare of the children. They don't give a rat's ass about the welfare or the rights of the parents. They will do what's best for the children. Generally that means one parent (usually the mother) is primary carer and the other has regular overnight contact. Even if the parents live close, that is what the courts believe is best for the children. 50/50 custody agreements are almost always made by joint approval of both parents; and the only way they can work well is with the approval and cooperation of both parents.

 

It is quite clearly not in the children's interests to be uprooted from their school and transported 4 hours every week, where they would have to attend a different school or have a 4 hour commute each way! That would be craziness!! No court in the land would ever consider a 50/50 custody arrangement in those circumstances.

 

This is precisely why men should never marry and have kids. In a divorce, they will be taken away from you and some other man who doesn't share their DNA will have more time with them than the biological father will.

 

This law disincentivises men from marrying and procreating.

[ChicagoSparty]

Chicago,

 

Was has a valid point. It sounds like your breakup was mutual without infidelity involved. If that is the case why can't you still be friends with your inlaws as well as your ex and her new husband to some degree?

 

At least with the brother and your fatherinlaw. Maybe propose a guys only fishing trip with them and your sons to get the ball rolling.

 

The break-up was anything but mutual. It's a loooong story as to how it fell apart, but she was pretty crushed.

 

To that end, her family picked sides, and I wasn't the side. I worked really hard to communicate with her parents and brother, but that's not how they operate. I became the villain, and once the new guy showed up, he became the hero. That further divided, even though I didn't actively participate in anything. They're the kind of family that circles the wagons.

 

It's pretty complicated....lets just say there will be no grandpa-brother-son fishing trips coming up. At least none that I will be included in.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's pretty complicated....lets just say there will be no grandpa-brother-son fishing trips coming up. At least none that I will be included in.

 

Divorce is about creating a new normal and both the challenges and opportunities that presents. No question there is loss and and it's not unusual to grieve.

 

But there's also a chance to do things both with your kids and on your own that would otherwise never have been done. I hope you get to the point where you can embrace that possibility simply because it helps you get the most out of the life before you. Stay focused on your kids and I guarantee there will be no question who Dad is...

 

Mr. Lucky

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to get used to another guy taking your place in the family home and spending so much time around your kids. It must hurt like hell. If it's any consolation the guy probably feels intimidated too, that he's spending so much time with these kids but they'll never be his and he'll never match up to their real Dad.

 

Whatever this guy does, however close they get, he'll never take the place of you, their real Dad. He will never be 'officially' Dad, just stepdad.

 

There was an article online a few months ago, a woman wrote it to her daughter's new Stepmon. I wonder if it will help you. The gist of it is that the writer is thankful that her daughter now has a new adult in her life who will love her, be a good role model and be there for her. It's totally refreshing compared to the amount of vitriol you often see from parents to their ex's new partners and spouses. Here's the link:

 

An Open Letter to My Daughter's Stepmom | Candice Curry

 

Hopefully in time you'll come to know this new guy more and if you're comfortable with who he is, be pleased your kids have one more adult in their life to love and guide them. It will continue to be difficult I'm sure, but all you can do is be thankful it's him and not some total doofus who takes drugs or drinks or isn't interested in the kids. And do as much as you can to be in their lives, albeit from a distance (we all gotta make a living!). Can you start some kind of tradition for just you and the kids to do semi regularly? Maybe once every couple months you go on a little mini break on a weekend you have together, or you Skype every other night, or anything that keeps you in contact? These circumstances are tough on pretty much everybody but it sounds like you have the maturity needed to work your way through this, after all if it wasn't this guy it'd be some other guy eventually. Don't feel ashamed for finding this difficult. I think most Fathers and Mothers who give a crap feel the same when their kid's parent gets a new partner.

[ChicagoSparty]

AtU- I appreciate your post.

 

For sure....I already am thankful for the new guy. I've had a chance to get to know him over the last couple of years. He's a nice guy and is good with the kids. Him having 3 of his own (the same ages as my kids) is, for now, a good thing in my kids lives. Who knows how smoothly that will go when they're older, but...well, that not my problem.

 

For me, the feelings stem more from feeling so much lost opportunity with my own kids. It's hard to listen to them tell a bunch of stories about all the stuff they do, but I understand that's a function of both them being with him all the time and, honestly, I think he tries a little too hard to impress them and give them stuff (which is, of course, not a big deal).

 

There have been a few times that them all doing things together has interfered with my ability to see them, and I think that's when I get bothered by it. I know that the solution is to go through the court to have set visitation, but with the living arrangement, it's much easier to keep it flexible. Having times here and there when the schedules don't mesh is just the reality of the situation. For the most part, it works out smoothly. That said....if I had them 50% of the time, I wouldn't care at all.

 

I don't really worry about being replaced. At the same time, I've noticed that my kids are coming to me to talk about their problems less and less, and I guess that kind of concerns me. I've worked hard to always have good 2-way communication with them, and, especially my daughter, they would always come to me or call me if they were having problems. That doesn't happen much anymore.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Is it possible that they're actually just coming to you less and less because they're getting older and don't need as much advice anymore? If it's not that, it's probably just that they have another adult nearby now, so they tend to go to him more often before it makes it all the way to you, with you being further away and not just readily there in the kitchen with them when something comes up. I am glad you don't worry about being replaced though. You're already off to such a good start by being thankful for the new guy, it's lovely to hear that you can appreciate what he does for the kids despite your own pain.

 

I think it would hurt me just as much in your shoes... I have little nephews who I didn't get much chance to see, well I did sometimes but it was more an hour every few weeks, whereas their other auntie got to see them several times a week properly taking care of them, I remember feeling jealous of her because I felt like she got so much time with them but damnit, they were my nephews too! It's so irrational but understandable. The most important thing is not to pass this onto him, or the kids, seeing as you are already in the best position possible (he's a good guy, and he mkaes them happy) and there's nothing you can really do to change that.

 

Regarding the visitation that makes a lot of sense too, if you had them half the time it wouldn't bother you at all but it sounds it hurts when you want to see them but you can't because he's busy with them. I guess the thing is, if you find the flexible nature of your visiting works for you with the distance best to preserve that.

 

This may be a super weird suggestion, but is there any scope for you and this guy to actually do something with the kids together sometime? A camping trip or something? It sounds like you have a good relationship, maybe you'd feel even better about it the more you get to know him. Even just a day trip out, something no pressure. That would mean in the future when you want to see them it's not a 'you or him' rivalry thing, and more like you could possibly go along with whatever they already had planned. I'm sure if he's a good guy as you say he is, he'd be happy because the kids would enjoy you both being there. Or maybe your XW would find it strange. Just a suggestion.