Snooping...what's acceptable?

[sexandlove2]

I have another thread here and I obviously have enough issues with my marriage. But, I am trying to determine just common or uncommon it is ...for a spouse to snoop.

 

My husband gets texted every time I make a purchase and he asks me about every single penny.

 

He also has had a very bad habit of going through my emails and texts. We've talked about that before -- and he said he would stop.

 

Yesterday, while I was out of town - he went through my phone, my emails, texts and all of my voicemails. We fought about it --

 

Then, this morning -- after he apologized for going through my stuff -- he went through my car and accused me of hiding paperwork. I very clearly opened it and told him it was OLD and he was ridiculous.

 

I don't have anything to hide -- but I just feel it's a boundary violation. He listened to vms and emails I shared with my family.

 

Is this okay in your book?

[Davey L]

In my view it depends on circumstances and history. For example if you have a history of running up huge debts or otherwise causing financial difficulties then he is reasonable in demanding financial openness and monitoring. Or, if he has reasonable grounds to suspect you of secretly spending way too much then that would also justify snooping to some extent. If not, then it's overly controlling.

[Mrin]

No. This is not okay. At all. When I first read this I was tempted to say that he sounds unstable. And that people who are unstable like this are almost compelled to snoop. They can't stop themselves. Then I read your other thread.

 

And I know for sure that he's unstable. He needs help. You both do if you're staying in the marriage. Seek it out. Seek it out now. Honestly, every day that passes in this state of toxicity does real harm to you and any hope you have of saving your marriage. Best of luck!

[RecentChange]

When I read the title I thought, eh, I snoop, he snoops - I am okay with it.

 

But the extent of our "snooping" is maybe a check of text messages - we often leave our Facebook pages open.

 

Our phones are always laying around unlocked, and we often grab the closest one to look something up etc.

 

And for context I caught him cheating once due to text messages.....

 

But then I read your post - no, I would not be okay with that level of snooping / questioning etc

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband gets texted every time I make a purchase and he asks me about every single penny.

 

Do you work?

 

I wouldn't put up with that kind of oppression either way but, under the circumstances you describe, if I worked my checks would go into my account that I controlled.

 

sexandlove2, based on the issues you've described in your threads, I'd either have to feel progress towards fixing them or have an exit strategy in mind.

 

Life's too short to live under the circumstances you've recounted. Believe it or not, there are couples out there living lives based on trust and consideration for each other...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rainbowlove]

This is beyond snooping. This is controlling and manipulative behavior.

 

It's also the kind of stuff that kills marriages/relationships.

 

You are his wife. Not a child.

 

If he can't trust you, he should get rid of you and find someone he can trust.

 

But...

 

I doubt that's the issue. It's about controlling you. Emotional and mental abuse.

[Got it]

I don't think you are dealing with a normal situation. I am fine with transparency but it is a two way street. It isn't snooping. That isn't what you guys have. Plus all the other issues, you don't have to keep finding things to build your case against him, you have ample reason to draw the line in the sane. His behavior is not normal in any situation you describe.

[autumnnight]

There are those who would not only defend your hubby's actions, they would say it is good for your marriage

 

Those people are idiots.

 

If you were a cheater or you have lied about money or some such bad choices, then I can see the need for checking in. But to do it "just because" and to this extent? Only a person with control issues and addictive tendencies would endorse this.

[GorillaTheater]

It's dependent on context. In the normal run of things, this sort of thing is outrageous. But in the past couple of days I advised a poster here whose wife may be cheating on him to do what your H is doing. Though hopefully with a little more finesse.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what else is going on in your marriage?

[autumnnight]

It's dependent on context. In the normal run of things, this sort of thing is outrageous. But in the past couple of days I advised a poster here whose wife may be cheating on him to do what your H is doing. Though hopefully with a little more finesse.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what else is going on in your marriage?

 

I agree with this. When a wife is pulling away, hiding her phone, bank statements aren't reconciling, etc....then snooping is not only okay, it's, IMO, recommended.

 

But to just...do it....that speaks to some sort of control issue to me.

[Spectre]

I am curious about your husbands past. Was he maybe hurt by another woman in the past? Like he got cheated on or something? Since the unfortunate truth is sometimes when a man is cheated on..that distrust can sometimes get shifted to future relationships.

 

I am not saying he is right I am just trying to understand why he might be behaving this way. I would also ask the OP if anything has happened in their own relationship to perhaps cause trust issues?

[OldRover]

I'm all for transparency, and would have no problem if my SO wanted to browse through my phone, computer, bank records or whatever else she wishes.

 

There is a bit of courtesy in doing so, and I'd make an argument to do it in front of the other. And if I had a post or something that I thought I would bring on some embarrassment or stress, I would mention it, but would not stop her from seeing it.

 

Some reasonable boundaries are acceptable, and there's no point in discussing the details of the information unless it pertains to both parties, and absolutely no upside in arguing about anything.

 

A family message, a business letter, a hobby or project should have little value to snoop for, but bank records, spending, purchases, emails to friends of the opposite sex, planning activities without you, etc, should be known.

 

I'd prefer a totally open book, and would encourage it both ways. But if my SO said that she'd rather not me read messages to her girlfriends, I can live with that.

 

Trust, but verify.

 

Yes, I think the husband in this thread is a bit overboard and could be a lot more tactful with better success.

[Lois_Griffin]

It doesn't seem likely the OP will be back to answer anyone's questions. A quick look through her posting history says her lunatic husband has been going through her computer and apparently told her their marriage is over and he'd 'picked the wrong woman.'

 

I wonder what color the air is on HIS planet.

 

I can only hope she takes that as her excuse to run fast and run far.