Finally Coping...

[gls081209]

I thought I'd start a new thread as I was journaling about "HIM" and blathering on about it.

 

If you care to, you can read it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/539630-complete-devastation

 

It's been just over two months since my breakup and we haven't had any contact since the night it ended. Other than an e-mail I sent a couple days after we split, I have been obsessive about no contact and I've managed to stick to it (man, it takes a lot of discipline).

 

If you read my story, you'll also see that not only am I grieving the loss of my relationship and my relationship with his family, but also my mother and three other people in my life passed this past year.

 

So I think this breakup was not only just a devastating event in itself, it was also the straw that broke the camel's back. I have been a debilitating depression these last couple months.

 

It came to a full head two weeks ago when I woke up one morning and thought "Maybe I'll get hit by a bus today." Now, when I say that, I didn't mean that I would intentionally do something to harm myself, but more in a sarcastic manner in which I wouldn't be all that upset if I got hit by a bus (as long as my dog was cared for). I'm not making light of suicide, but it was then that I realized that I had to admit that I needed help.

 

Depression - that's a hard thing for me to admit. I've been through a lot in my life, and have gotten through it. I'm known as "the strong" one and for me to admit I had a problem was a sign of weakness and my stuborness.

 

I kept telling myself that this is just a crappy time in my life and that things would get better. I just need to feel as much grief as possible and get out of my system and in time I would be fine.

 

I tried to carry on with normal routine, but it was hard and REALLY miserable. I forced myself to hang out with my friends and all I could think about was when I could gracefully exit so I go home.

 

As my mom's one year anniversary came and my 35th birthday was five days later, I found myself in a gigantic hole that I couldn't get out of. I finally made the decision to call the doctor and I was diagnosed with depression and given an anti-depressant. Like others, I always had that negative connotation about anti-depressants thinking, "I'm glad people can get the help they need, but that will never be me."

 

Once I just gave in and tried them, I can't tell you how much of a huge difference I've notice in just a week! I'm not as sad and hopeless as I was. I can't say I'm happy, but at least I'm not crying. I think a lot of people don't understand is that my depression comes from a series of events in my life, not just my breakup. I would rather get hit by a bus then for HIM to think that he was the one that "broke me."

 

With the meds, therapy and exercise, I finally feel like I'm going to be okay. To all of you who are struggling as much as I am, don't be afraid to get help whether it be medication, therapy or just some support. Medication isn't for everyone, but many are afraid to have to admit that there is a problem (myself included).

 

I never thought I'd be in this place at this point in my life, but who ever IS? I'm learning to find a new normal without HIM and that's still difficult. All I can say is at least today, I feel okay.

[Nep2112]

Thanks for your post. Your words def resinated with me. I have dealt with depression on and off since college (8 years). Throwing a breakup into that mix really enables feelings of hopelessness to take over. Im glad youre feeling better.

[Oregon_Dude]

Wow, gls! I'm so happy for you. I've followed your story and can definitely empathize with your having to deal with so much loss. I think it's GREAT that you've been so proactive and gotten on an a/d. I am also on one, and while I don't know if it helps, it certainly doesn't hurt.

 

SO glad you are feeling a bit better. Ride that wave. Keep looking up - that's how things will be going for you from now on!!!

 

OD

[gls081209]

Yesterday marked the three month "anniversary" since my ex broke up with me. That was also the last time we spoke. I've posted my story under the breakup thread so I won't reiterate the scenario, but I will say it was not a heated ending. I was so shocked that I just stood there.

 

Anyway, I haven't posted in a while as I've been trying to get back on my feet. I've since got on medication and have been speaking to a therapist. Honestly, I think the little bit of distance has mostly helped.

 

I've been completely proud of my discipline no contact. He is blocked everywhere and I have stayed clear of potential run-ins. I haven't even bad-mouthed him (however, I do vent on here... which I'm about to do now...)

 

So he works with my sister. He typically works in a different building than her, but they do end up at the same events (the events I would always go to with him). There was one a couple weeks ago and my sister told me (without me asking anything) he walked right past her and completely ignored her.

 

I'm angry he didn't even acknowledge her existence. Since our breakup, my sister has become pregnant with twins. She experienced several miscarriages and the ex knew all of this as he was considered a part of our family. It is public knowledge to the small company they work at and she looks very pregnant. Why couldn't he of just been cordial and told her "hello" and "congratulations" as he walked by? He didn't have to go out of his way to say it. After everything he has been through with me and my family this past year because of my mother's death (he was at Hospice with us!), he acts like we don't exist. That's incredibly hurtful, especially since I did not deserve the way he treated me the night he broke up with me.

 

I can't tell if he can't face my family due to his guilt or it speaks volumes of about his character, integrity and cowardice.

 

I know I'm supposed to be "coping" and moving on, but this just pissed me off today.

[gls081209]

Well, tomorrow marks the "fourth month" mark since I last my ex left and last spoke to me.

 

I feel like I've been through hell with the emotions that come with being blindsided with the shock of someone you loved telling you they never loved you when you thought you had a great relationship. It was cruel and I didn't deserve that.

 

I feel like I bounced back and forth between pure depression and sheer anger for these last few months, but I feel like I've started to turn the corner. Below is how I've fought to get to this point:

 

1. NO CONTACT - Absolutely NOTHING. It takes a lot of discipline, but I'm quite proud of myself of following through (despite the number of times I hate to fight the urge to become a psycho ex). This means no drunken texts, e-mails, going to his hangouts, asking about him or looking at social media.

 

2. Exercise - Do it. Even it's a 10 minute walk outside. For me, I was too exhausted, which I realized was depression and went to the doctor. I go to the gym when I can.

 

Which brings me too...

 

3. Support - Talk to someone and get it out of your system. I found an objective third party (such as a counselor) has been helpful.

 

4. Be Kind to Yourself - Move on when you're ready and be patient. You can't change the way you feel. Do things that make you feel good (minus the booze and drugs). I bought a massage package where I go monthly. I also read a lot.

 

5. Hang out with Friends - Do it. I didn't have enough faith in our mutual friends as I thought they'd prefer him because they work with him (even though I did not instigate the breakup). I received a lot of support from them and I was surprised by that. Just make sure to not bad mouth the ex and keep it classy. (I still have no interest in talking to boys when I go out with my single girlfriends, but at least I'm out).

 

6. Since my ex just left without an explanation, I ventured into Self Help books (the dangerous section). I discovered this book called "Men Who Can't Love" about commitmentphobia and it described my ex and his behavior to a tee. It calmed me a little knowing that there was nothing I could've done. I found it quite insightful.

 

So, there's my contribution to those hurting. I am not by any means over it, but at least the knot in my stomach has subsided a bit and my mind isn't on him 150% of the times. Baby steps...

 

All I know is that I loved, respected and supported someone with all my heart and showed him kindness and did everything that I could.

Edited November 17, 2015 by gls081209

[2mehappiness]

Hi gls,

 

Thank you for sharing. Your post has actually brought a smile to my face knowing that you are doing much better. I am in the exact same boat as you except my breakup is more recent. I had no idea the guy I dated was a commitment phobic guy. I thought it was just a cliché term and maybe he just wasn't into "me," so I started to blame myself on everything like I wasn't good enough. Even after the breakup, I was deeply conflicted and was constantly looking for an answer on what went wrong. The day before the breakup, he was acting cuddly and attentive and we spent the whole day watching Netflix so I was completely blindsided by the breakup. It wasn't until I read the book, Why men cant love did it all make sense.

 

 

It has been 2 weeks of NC and I am proud of myself. Some days I am very tempted to text him to tell him how selfish he is or to let him know how I hurt I have been. But whenever I try to reach for the phone, I stop. I am afraid that he will reject me and I would be back to where I was, an emotional mess. So I keep re-reading the last chapter of another book, hes scared shes scared to stop myself. Im trying to move on but I find it hard sometimes. I am trying to come to terms with the reality of accepting things as it is but sometimes I get sidetracked and I forget. But I am trying and keep telling myself that so hopefully one day I will just forget about him.

 

 

I have a groupchat with my closest girlfriends and I would text them instead of wanting to text him. This breakup had made me realize that I have a lot of really good supportive friends and parents that I am very grateful for. I am also known as the tough one amongst my friends, but I have learned to let my guards down and allowed others to take care of me during this time.

 

 

I realized I still have a long way to go, but I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am very happy that you are you doing well as I have always like a happy ending.