Is it just me? (Online Dating) PS - I'm sure it's not

[Mendalore]

Is it just me or does everyone just seem to be WAY too active on these sites? I'm trying to decide if these people are truly that active or if they're just trying to seem more interesting.

 

If I see someone who says they go to the gym five times a week, do yoga, take jiu jitsu lessons, read actively, and "on a typical Friday night" they're at a concert, travelling, or camping...

 

...

 

I mean, I don't know about you, but I would be tired CONSTANTLY if I had to work a full-time job and balance all that. Is it simply a matter of my perception being off?

 

I consider myself a moderately active person. I go to the gym three times a week, get together with coworkers or a friend once or twice during the week. If I only go out once during the week I'll normally get out twice over the weekend. If I get out twice during the week, maybe only once. If I have stuff to do more than four nights a week I start feeling run down because I'm either A) Losing Sleep, B) Falling behind on housekeeping items/laundry/errands, or C) Simply not getting a chance to decompress with a book or some TV.

 

It's pretty intimidating, actually. Normally I'll let my confidence shine through and send them a message, anyway (then subsequently not hear back, but that's another matter), but there's been a couple really pretty ladies with whom I share a decent amount in common, but have shied away because I thought "I would die of exhaustion from trying to keep up with this one."

 

So, is it just me? Any others with similar experiences? Thoughts?

[Toodaloo]

Well some exaggerate and some don't...

 

During the summer

 

Yoga lessons once a week, Charity work one or two evenings a week, I have dogs so I walk a lot both in mornings, at mid day and in the evenings wherever possible. I have horses and regularly take a friends children riding, I go to the cinema, bowling, ice skating (still terrible at it)...

 

I probably spend around 1-2 evenings at home each week at the moment. It would be good to have more.

 

Last weekend I was helping my mother, taking pictures of sun rises and in general flat out all weekend.

 

This weekend I am going fake skydiving with my Dad, doing some gardening over at my grandmothers and going on a date. I also want to have a lay in/ afternoon snooze at some point. Oh I nearly forgot I am going to do a Yoga thing as well... Must remember that!

 

So yes at the moment I am shattered. I work around 10-12 hours daily during the week and have fibromyalgia which never really helps.

 

I don't really watch much TV. I read for at least 1/2 hour a day at bedtime.

 

Thats my life.

 

In the next few weeks I will be climbing some landmarks, probably spending several mornings/ afternoons walking across dales or the forest, I have a few meals and other events to go to. Its just what happens when you are busy and have an active social life.

 

Some times I do have quiet weeks and spend around 4-5 nights at home. Just me I guess. I wasn't nicknames "Zebadee" for nothing...

[JuneJulySeptember]

Is it just me or does everyone just seem to be WAY too active on these sites? I'm trying to decide if these people are truly that active or if they're just trying to seem more interesting.

 

If I see someone who says they go to the gym five times a week, do yoga, take jiu jitsu lessons, read actively, and "on a typical Friday night" they're at a concert, travelling, or camping...

 

...

 

I mean, I don't know about you, but I would be tired CONSTANTLY if I had to work a full-time job and balance all that. Is it simply a matter of my perception being off?

 

I consider myself a moderately active person. I go to the gym three times a week, get together with coworkers or a friend once or twice during the week. If I only go out once during the week I'll normally get out twice over the weekend. If I get out twice during the week, maybe only once. If I have stuff to do more than four nights a week I start feeling run down because I'm either A) Losing Sleep, B) Falling behind on housekeeping items/laundry/errands, or C) Simply not getting a chance to decompress with a book or some TV.

 

It's pretty intimidating, actually. Normally I'll let my confidence shine through and send them a message, anyway (then subsequently not hear back, but that's another matter), but there's been a couple really pretty ladies with whom I share a decent amount in common, but have shied away because I thought "I would die of exhaustion from trying to keep up with this one."

 

So, is it just me? Any others with similar experiences? Thoughts?

 

Yea, definitely.

 

It's a competition to get somebody who does as many things as you do. Just another in the long list of expectations.

 

My impression of women who create profiles like that on dating sites is that is exactly what they are looking for ... somebody who can keep up with them.

 

I didn't/don't message those women. They just wouldn't respond, and if I fabricated the fact that I'm active all the time, it'd be a lie.

 

I'm like you, I definitely try to get out and socialize at least once a week and I run 3 times a week. But I like watching football on TV, and fully intend to sit on my ass and watch the MLB playoffs. It's something I enjoy.

 

The irony is when all my friends got married and had kids, their idea of an exciting night out is having dinner at the local ramen bar. So, all of the 'Are you as interesting as me?' seems for naught.

[impatiently_patient]

It's a competition to get somebody who does as many things as you do. Just another in the long list of expectations.

 

My impression of women who create profiles like that on dating sites is that is exactly what they are looking for ... somebody who can keep up with them.

 

Yup, my brother married a busybody and I can't fathom how he can stand her. She can at least entertainin herself a good part of the time, so there's that.

 

It's not really a question of if you can keep up with them (which is a pretentious challenge), it's far more do you want to keep up with them.

 

It's funny, the older I get, and the more I've worked in business, you learn effective people tend to have fewer foci, and put more time into those things as opposed to being spred thin.

[Philosopher]

Is it just me or does everyone just seem to be WAY too active on these sites? I'm trying to decide if these people are truly that active or if they're just trying to seem more interesting.

 

I have frequently found this to be the case too. Either that or they are workaholics. I do know a few people who always seem to be busy in real life, however online dating in my experience does seem to have a disproportionate number of these sorts of people. Therefore my suspicion is that online dating attracts these sorts of people.

 

To me it is a compatibility thing, some people just like to keep busy when they are not working, if they are not busy they will get bored very quickly. Other people prefer to have a few evenings of the week and some of the weekend where they relaxing and doing stuff like watching TV. If you are the latter you will find someone whom has a very busy hectic lifestyle somewhat exhausting and perhaps a bit intimidating while the former will find someone who likes to have quite few evenings and weekends relaxing as boring. Of course there are going to be people who are somewhat in between.

 

What I struggle to understand is that dating itself usually takes up quite a bit of time. For those whom are busy on the vast majority of evenings and weekends, how do they manage to fit dating in?

[Mendalore]

Yeah, definitely a compatibility thing. I'm just wondering if, like on so many other social media outlets, we try (or don't even try, just wind up appearing) more active and diverse than we actually are.

 

I could go make a huge list, going on saying I like yoga, snowboarding, kayaking, wineries, breweries, dancing, meditating, museums, and a whole lot more. All very true, but I only go snowboarding maybe twice a year. Kayaking maybe twice a year. Dancing only at weddings or at home. Museums, maybe once a year, and so on and so forth.

 

My passions in life are balance, variety and quality. I'm not entirely sure that's attractive. It seems like people are attracted to someone whose passion is art, writing, creativity, volunteering, fitness, etc.

 

Me? I'm an eat a huge meal at that new restaurant that just opened one day, go run 3 miles the next - go out dancing or to a concert one night, netflix the next, kinda guy.

 

Definitely a compatibility thing, again, but the overall majority of people on these sites just seem intimidatingly interesting, lol. I love getting out and enjoying life and what it has to offer as much as I can, but when it becomes the norm it almost becomes less special...

[Mrlonelyone]

I remember the age, not that long ago, on OLD where it seemed like everyone was into rock climbing or something of the sort. That was all BS because unless you are one who makes it your lifestyle to just climb crags there isn't time to do it.

 

Mendalore, one truth of online anything is the more flashy you are the more noticed you will be. So, those people you see online are just trying to look better than they really are to get a date.

 

The other truth of online dating is at least 50% of those people are not looking to date. They want to get a little low cost ego stroke from getting likes, messages, etc.

[Stage5Clinger]

Is it just me or does everyone just seem to be WAY too active on these sites?

 

This is going to sound selfish but I won't date a girl who is that busy. I want someone to be in my life not float in and out depending on when Nickelback is coming to town.

 

Some people really are pretty busy, although everyone exaggerates a little online. Personally, I prefer to watch Netflix and cook dinner with a girl most nights rather than packing bags and running around constantly. That just sounds exhausting to me.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yeah, it used to boggle my mind on how they even have time to date.

 

There is one woman I know on OK Cupid, though she lives in a back water town, apparently she was so busy with her after work activities, apparently those activities TIED into her work somehow impacted her engagement.

 

Apparently, she had a fiance that she met on OK Cupid that lived about an hour away, turns out after a 2 year engagement, neither was willing to give up their firmly rooted location to be together in marriage. Pretty sad. She said she "still loves" him.

 

Sadly, she claims she's into these chamber of commerce, Rotary Club, board member of some local film festival, blah , blah , blah...somehow she deems such rather mundane "fishbowl community" activities that are more important than a relationship.

 

It ruined her engagement that's for sure.

 

Anyhow, that's just an example, but I get a kick out of how some have disclaimers saying, "Must be okay with how busy I am, even with after work activities."

 

Some people have thrown away relationships over crap like that. If one is not as on the same page as the other when it comes to after work activities, one of them may come off as "clingy" to the other that is overly occupied.

 

I knew of one woman, when she got engaged, that did weekend trail biking every weekend with a biking group, after that activity she'd gather with her friends, weekly, at a local restaurant...well, when she got engaged, her boyfriend...who had his own activities and weren't really friends with her friends...wanted her to give up a weekend here and there to spend it with each other...alone time...with each other.

 

Well, this didn't sit well with her, she also claimed he was stopping by her place a little too much.

 

I was like, "Um, you're both engaged...that's inevitable because the dude will be LIVING with you in the future!"

 

THAT woman was no POF, never married, mid-40s, very attractive...she called off the engagement due to her own selfishness...yes, she admitted to her selfishness, too. I think she wound up being in a FWB situation with one of her biker pals after all that. That way, she could still "hang with the gang" in an NBC "Cheers"-like environment, and keep her physical needs fulfilled instead.

 

 

Some people really are pretty busy, although everyone exaggerates a little online. Personally, I prefer to watch Netflix and cook dinner with a girl most nights rather than packing bags and running around constantly. That just sounds exhausting to me.

 

Same here, though I do wonder if they are attempting to throw in "fluff" in their profiles by saying what they say, like they like to "rock climb" but they've only done it 4 times in a year for the fun of it. LOL

 

I have a few friends like this. They Meetup hop, this one guy is an avid picture taker, and I swear the dude probably hops several Meetups/events in ONE weekend.

 

Me, when I'm at a Meetup, I'm there the ENTIRE duration pretty much and go home afterwards.

 

But you have these people with Adult ADHD or something (not making fun) that go to an event, say their "hi's" to their "friends" and leave after an hour to go to ANOTHER event...wash, rinse, repeat!

Edited October 5, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[Toodaloo]

Yeah, definitely a compatibility thing. I'm just wondering if, like on so many other social media outlets, we try (or don't even try, just wind up appearing) more active and diverse than we actually are.

 

I could go make a huge list, going on saying I like yoga, snowboarding, kayaking, wineries, breweries, dancing, meditating, museums, and a whole lot more. All very true, but I only go snowboarding maybe twice a year. Kayaking maybe twice a year. Dancing only at weddings or at home. Museums, maybe once a year, and so on and so forth.

 

My passions in life are balance, variety and quality. I'm not entirely sure that's attractive. It seems like people are attracted to someone whose passion is art, writing, creativity, volunteering, fitness, etc.

 

Me? I'm an eat a huge meal at that new restaurant that just opened one day, go run 3 miles the next - go out dancing or to a concert one night, netflix the next, kinda guy.

 

Definitely a compatibility thing, again, but the overall majority of people on these sites just seem intimidatingly interesting, lol. I love getting out and enjoying life and what it has to offer as much as I can, but when it becomes the norm it almost becomes less special...

 

Thats good! Why on earth are you not putting that in your profile?

 

I don't think that you need to worry about keeping up with them. Just worry about them being compatible.

 

The reason why they put stuff like that in there is to give conversation starters. For opening messages and when you get stuck for something to say etc...

[Mendalore]

I remember the age, not that long ago, on OLD where it seemed like everyone was into rock climbing or something of the sort. That was all BS because unless you are one who makes it your lifestyle to just climb crags there isn't time to do it.

 

Mendalore, one truth of online anything is the more flashy you are the more noticed you will be. So, those people you see online are just trying to look better than they really are to get a date.

 

The other truth of online dating is at least 50% of those people are not looking to date. They want to get a little low cost ego stroke from getting likes, messages, etc.

Still seeing it, lol. SOO many rock climbers, it's ridiculous!

 

It's funny; I must be in the minority, but the flashy ones really push me away. I don't mind grainy cell phone photos or a picture on the couch with your cat. If I see a picture on top of a skyscraper, then one zip lining, then one drinking a beer with 12 friends, and lastly a picture of you running a marathon... Wow, lol.

 

This is going to sound selfish but I won't date a girl who is that busy. I want someone to be in my life not float in and out depending on when Nickelback is coming to town.

 

Some people really are pretty busy, although everyone exaggerates a little online. Personally, I prefer to watch Netflix and cook dinner with a girl most nights rather than packing bags and running around constantly. That just sounds exhausting to me.

Again, I find myself in the middle. I want a person who has their own identity, has their own ideas, and can go do things with her friends frequently. That said, going out and having adventures some nights and staying in cooking other nights sounds great.

 

Yeah, it used to boggle my mind on how they even have time to date.

 

There is one woman I know on OK Cupid, though she lives in a back water town, apparently she was so busy with her after work activities, apparently those activities TIED into her work somehow impacted her engagement.

 

Apparently, she had a fiance that she met on OK Cupid that lived about an hour away, turns out after a 2 year engagement, neither was willing to give up their firmly rooted location to be together in marriage. Pretty sad. She said she "still loves" him.

 

Sadly, she claims she's into these chamber of commerce, Rotary Club, board member of some local film festival, blah , blah , blah...somehow she deems such rather mundane "fishbowl community" activities that are more important than a relationship.

 

It ruined her engagement that's for sure.

 

Anyhow, that's just an example, but I get a kick out of how some have disclaimers saying, "Must be okay with how busy I am, even with after work activities."

 

Some people have thrown away relationships over crap like that. If one is not as on the same page as the other when it comes to after work activities, one of them may come off as "clingy" to the other that is overly occupied.

 

I knew of one woman, when she got engaged, that did weekend trail biking every weekend with a biking group, after that activity she'd gather with her friends, weekly, at a local restaurant...well, when she got engaged, her boyfriend...who had his own activities and weren't really friends with her friends...wanted her to give up a weekend here and there to spend it with each other...alone time...with each other.

 

Well, this didn't sit well with her, she also claimed he was stopping by her place a little too much.

 

I was like, "Um, you're both engaged...that's inevitable because the dude will be LIVING with you in the future!"

 

THAT woman was no POF, never married, mid-40s, very attractive...she called off the engagement due to her own selfishness...yes, she admitted to her selfishness, too. I think she wound up being in a FWB situation with one of her biker pals after all that. That way, she could still "hang with the gang" in an NBC "Cheers"-like environment, and keep her physical needs fulfilled instead.

 

 

 

 

Same here, though I do wonder if they are attempting to throw in "fluff" in their profiles by saying what they say, like they like to "rock climb" but they've only done it 4 times in a year for the fun of it. LOL

 

I have a few friends like this. They Meetup hop, this one guy is an avid picture taker, and I swear the dude probably hops several Meetups/events in ONE weekend.

 

Me, when I'm at a Meetup, I'm there the ENTIRE duration pretty much and go home afterwards.

 

But you have these people with Adult ADHD or something (not making fun) that go to an event, say their "hi's" to their "friends" and leave after an hour to go to ANOTHER event...wash, rinse, repeat!

Wow, that hurt to read.

 

Thats good! Why on earth are you not putting that in your profile?

 

I don't think that you need to worry about keeping up with them. Just worry about them being compatible.

 

The reason why they put stuff like that in there is to give conversation starters. For opening messages and when you get stuck for something to say etc...

TOTALLY is in my profile!

 

I don't know if it's bad juju or not, but here's a link to my profile. If it's against TOU, I'll remove it.

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/gibson02gt

[Toodaloo]

I am about to be brutal.

 

Sort those bloody photos out. Yes they are fun and cool with your mates but they are not showing you off at your best. I wouldn't get results if I put photos of me in baggy t-shirts etc... The only one I would class as a pass for your profile is you in the suit in the bathroom selfie BUT YOUR NOT SMILING!!!!

 

The others are daft ones that she can see after she has got to know you. They need to go.

 

Also cut down the amount of text. It really is too much. Also WAY too geeky. We get it. You have said it you don't need to shove it down our throats. There is so much of the geeky that its REALLY easy to miss that you do have other interests as well. I didn't get that you have mixed interests at all - all I got was geek geek geek... It wasn't until I saw the bike that I figured you might actually go outside sometimes...

 

Erm you know "Netflix and chill" is code for f*** it and chuck it don't you? Get that OUT of your profile... In fact don't mention Netflix at all. Change it to movies.

 

I really don't think you are representing yourself very well at all with this profile. Its tough enough out there but I am literally pulling it to shreds here... there is no way I would start to speak to you...

 

Next step is to PM a chap called PegNosePete and get him to help you. He is actually REALLY good at this even if some on here like to think otherwise.

[normal person]

First off, you need to change your profile picture ASAP. Someone just scrolling through is just going to see a giant group of people and have no idea which one you are and quickly go past you without even thinking about it.

 

I also agree the profile is entirely too wordy. Few people have the patience to read through all of that stuff. You seem like well-spoken, funny guy so what you really need to do is condense it down to the big bullet points spruced up with a few jokes. When you write every possible detail about yourself, not only is overwhelming, it eliminates any sort of mystery about you and it looks incredibly desperate. Honestly, your first paragraph was pretty sufficient. Then you go into War and Peace and I'm shaking my head. You're not required by OKCupid to fill out every single question. In fact, it's odd that you did. No one's going to decide whether or not to go out with you because you like Korean food. But they might not go out with you because your profile seems a bit too "intense."

 

I'd say cut it down to a paragraph or two and make it funny. Let me know if you need help.

[Toodaloo]

Why haven't you updated your profile yet?

 

Even just reducing the photos to your 2 better ones would help you.

 

By the way they are the one of you in a suit and the one of you standing to the right with chairs/ seating behind you.

 

Nothing has changed at all. It still looks like you have verbal diarrhoea.

 

We are trying to help you out here!

[Mendalore]

Your help is VERY much appreciated. Scathing is exactly what I need, so thank you very much.

 

I simply have not had the time to even think about it lately. I've been away on business and don't like accessing this kind of stuff from my work PC. I was in Grand Rapids from 10/11-10/16, then Orlando from 10/18-10/23. Between working, socializing, etc, I just never had the time. Now that I'm back in town for a few weeks, I'll be updating it.

 

Very correct on the diarrhea of the mouth. In written communication I have this horrible habit of being too verbose for my own good.

 

Expect changes sometime this week.

[StBreton]

Mendalore ... Spend $50 and get some good pix taken ...maybe a college photography student ...you dressed up, you doing something fun that you like ...you with a few friends ...you look so nice in your suit but the bathroom ... It's tmi ...I don't want this visual of a person on a dating site.

 

As others have said ...shorten your profile ...but in reading it I don't get a sense of what my life would be like with you except that maybe we'd be going to comicon and going for Asian food a lot. Where's the romantic side of you ...you're wooing a girl with this stuff not a BFF. Your profile reads too much like a corporate report.

 

I'd start with "I'm an active"...get rid of "grab a lunch this is going to take you 2 hours to read"

Remove the fantastic statement

Say you're a professional engineer and you love your job and the people you work with (shows you like people even though you're an introvert) you put too much info in that paragraph ...it's not a resume

 

Keep the travel stuff in there.

Keep the things you're good at ...I like this the most

List a few books ...movies and get rid of the rest listed

Talk about what you'd like in a relationship/what qualities you offer and what you do on the weekends or what a special date night would look like for you.

Put some humor in there ...just a touch

 

Get rid of everything else.

Edited October 25, 2015 by StBreton

[Mendalore]

I've cut it up a bit, but I'm nowhere near close, I'm sure.

 

A couple concerns/considerations:

 

- I consider myself a very trustworthy, loyal, supportive, and positive person. I'm adventurous, but also value and cherish the familiar. I love easily and care for those I love. I don't get riled up easily, but if you're hurting someone I care for, expect a problem. I'm the first to forgive and grant the benefit of a doubt, but know if someone's trying to take advantage of me. I'm a bit of a cornball sometimes, but a loveable cornball. How do I say that without saying exactly that? I mean, it makes it seem pretty trite if I come out and say it. Isn't that something I really need to show or prove to someone?

 

Also, how does one say all that without sounding like a HUGE pushover?

 

- Isn't having professional photos done a bit disingenuous? I mean, I simply don't hang out with people who take photos, so the ability to have candid shots done that aren't staged doesn't often present itself. If anything, I'm the one most frequently taking photos. I was hoping to have a terrific shot of me completing a bicycle race, but i look 50lbs overweight in it. Very much not attractive. =\

Edited October 25, 2015 by Mendalore

[StBreton]

I like the description you wrote!!! Add some back up ...what have done that's adventurous etc. I don't like the word cornball ...how about ckg the thesaurus

 

A photo student can take a few nice pix that don't look too professional ...you need good pix. You're selling yourself short with your pix.

Edited October 25, 2015 by StBreton