Hey

[somewhatconfused]

Hey there. So, back in March I started getting close to this girl I had known for a couple years, unfortunately at the time, she had a boyfriend. After hanging out several times, she ended up sleeping with me and telling me she wanted to leave her current boyfriend. So after a few weeks of seeing each other more and her trying to leave her boyfriend. She finally says that she still loves her boyfriend and is sorry for doing this to me. So we end up talking more and she ends up breaking up with him and becoming my girlfriend. Everything is great for almost 6 months, we're happy. We go out all the time, we have amazing sex and we even start talking about a future together. Honestly the happiest I have ever been, compared to any other woman.

 

I go to work one night, and come home to a note saying, "I have to go for a few days, i'll call you when I can." I knew something was up right there. SO I sent a few messages with a little frustration behind them asking what's going on. She sees them around 5 am the next day, but doesn't say anything. Send a couple more messages, more worried about her and she sees hem again around the same time the next morning. Finally, on the third day she came online and told me to call her.

 

She then explained that she was sorry for doing this to me and that she is back with her ex. Even though this happened, I end up going and talking to her for about 6 hours. There was love, anger, frustration, and a whole lot of other emotions thrown around. Nothing really pertaining to our relationship being bad though. Which confused the ever living **** out of me. So, I end up going home after we kiss and hug. Two days later she comes down with her sister to grab her stuff. And ends up crying and I cried with her. I told her how much she meant to me and that I would give her children if she really wanted them right now.(I'll explain this shortly.) I gave her a necklace with half of a meteorite and I have the other half. She then invited me to a friends party with her and her sister. I went with them and met with her sisters boyfriend halfway. We ended up walking there, spending the entire time together at the party. Kissing, hugging, talking about children and the future, and about how she was going to go to her uncles cottage to really think about what she wants. I then walked with them back to their place and took a taxi home from there. She didn't even take all of her stuff home, just her purse. There is still a ton of clothes and other stuff. We ended up spending 14 hours together that night. No sex.

 

So, I got home and couldn't sleep all day. She didn't message me once the entire day either, (She said she would message me before she slept.)

So, I messaged her saying that I would give her space if she needed it, and that I love her and would miss her, but would rather make her decision with a clear head. I ended up passing out at 10 pm and she came online shortly after and said "I can't talk tonight, i'll call you when I get a chance. Love u <3." That is the last thing I heard from her.

 

It has to be mentioned, that I messaged her about 5 times that day (Probably not a good idea, but I was still in shock about the whole situation.)

 

The next day I hear that her ex boyfriend had moved back in with her, BEFORE we even went to the party. I sent her a long message regarding the whole situation and me not being able to make her choose me. (I will post it later if needed.) Still haven't heard from her yet. I'm pretty wrecked at this point.

 

The next day, I hear from someone that she still loves me and misses me. She has not called, messaged me or anything since all this has happened.

 

Fast forward nine days and her sister adds me on facebook. I sent 4 messages, (All at least 12 hours apart, and only 2 of them were regarding her.) before she messaged me at all, and this was 2 days after the last message was sent. Her sister explains to me that she is at her uncles cottage and will be staying for a few days longer. 5 days later I messaged her sister again and asked how things were going, and got no response. 3 days later I messaged her again asking if she was able to talk right now, still no reply. Every message that I sent the sister, was seen within 5 minutes, but barely any of them were replied to. It has been 12 days since I got a message from the sister.

 

In this time, I have sent my ex, 7 messages, only one being a long one. I have not blown up her phone either.

 

Important information:

 

-It has now been 32 days since this all started.

-It has been 27 days since I have heard from the ex at all.

 

Information about her ex:

 

Her ex is an alcoholic, plays video games all day, ignores her for his friends and has even told her that he doesn't like her anymore. She feels like he doesn't even really like touching her, as they only had sex every once in awhile. They were together for 10 years, and according to her they never even had a lovey dovey stage. When she asked him about having children, shortly before she left him for me, his immediate response was that he doesn't want children. NOW, he supposedly does. They also got together around the time her brother died, so it might just be a deep seeded emotional attachment.

 

I DO want her back.

 

Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated.

Edited September 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~6

[Draper]

I know you have a lot of feelings for this girl but:

 

Don't you ever think if she could cheat and leave her current boyfriend, she'd do it to you?

 

She's clearly very 'confused' about what she wants, going back and forth between you and the other dude.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but I think you need to move on, you've been in limbo for 27 days now - time to let go.

[louxor]

I have always gone by the motion that if someone is willing to up and leave the person they are with for you, there is every chance that down the track they will do the same to you. Why? People are predictable.

 

This is why I refuse to pursue women who are in relationships, no matter how bad their partner may be compared to me and no matter how attracted I am to her.

 

At the time she may have loved the idea of running away with you, but in all honesty it was probably just to help her cope with whatever issue were going on with her ex.

 

Let's be honest here - she's been with him for 10 years. Despite how ****ty he may be in comparison, 10 years is a long time and in this time people can become greatly attached the cycle of a relationship, even if it is a destructive cycle. Why do you think people who leave bad relationships still struggle with sadness and emptiness - It's like a drug, they have grown used to it, the know it's bad but they want more.

 

So my advice - Do not contact her anymore, under any circumstances. If you want her back (Which I'm not sure why you would given it's clear that you are not her #1 priority), the only thing you can do is leave her be. If she wants to be with you later on, she'll let you know, but I do strongly recommend you move on completely. She has proved herself to be extremely indecisive and that is a horrible quality to have in woman.

[louxor]

I know you have a lot of feelings for this girl but:

 

Don't you ever think if she could cheat and leave her current boyfriend, she'd do it to you?

 

She's clearly very 'confused' about what she wants, going back and forth between you and the other dude.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but I think you need to move on, you've been in limbo for 27 days now - time to let go.

 

Take a big note of this - I was typing my reply before I saw what Draper had written yet we bring up very similar points. She is bad news

[somewhatconfused]

I did think of that being a possibility, but not really the way it happened.

 

Yes, she is clearly very confused. I told her that she should take some time to think about what she really wants for her future. (We're both 26) I'm guessing she is thinking about a lot right now too. I honestly feel like she needs to be single for 2 or 3 months, not even attempt to get a boyfriend. Just find herself and what she wants, even if it ends up being neither of us.

 

Yes, I know I should let go. I would like to let go, trust me I would. Unfortunately, it's like i'm on a train track that's going in circles. I only have 2 options of get off it. One being to derail myself and force her out of my life. (I honestly don't want to do that.) Two being her telling me to move on and giving me some closure.

 

A certain percentage of women (Notallwomen of course.) seem to think that telling the person you still care and love them, when breaking up with them is a good thing. I honestly think people need to be 100% forward with how they are feeling, it'll help the person prevent any potential problems from being int their future relationships, that were in this one.

[louxor]

I did think of that being a possibility, but not really the way it happened.

 

Yes, she is clearly very confused. I told her that she should take some time to think about what she really wants for her future. (We're both 26) I'm guessing she is thinking about a lot right now too. I honestly feel like she needs to be single for 2 or 3 months, not even attempt to get a boyfriend. Just find herself and what she wants, even if it ends up being neither of us.

 

Yes, I know I should let go. I would like to let go, trust me I would. Unfortunately, it's like i'm on a train track that's going in circles. I only have 2 options of get off it. One being to derail myself and force her out of my life. (I honestly don't want to do that.) Two being her telling me to move on and giving me some closure.

 

A certain percentage of women (Notallwomen of course.) seem to think that telling the person you still care and love them, when breaking up with them is a good thing. I honestly think people need to be 100% forward with how they are feeling, it'll help the person prevent any potential problems from being int their future relationships, that were in this one.

 

All of this is good. She definitely needs time to work herself out, and this will not happen with you in the picture.

 

You know what you have to do, so do it. Get off that train headed to misery! and on to the one headed to sunshine!

 

EDIT: This closure you seek will not be found. She left you, that's all the closure you need. If you keep pursuing it you will just be left with more questions.

[somewhatconfused]

She does need to work on herself. That's not what's happening though, she's jumping right into her old relationship. I'm worried that she will end up having a child with this guy, and he will leave her because in actuality, he doesn't want kids at all. I know as of this moment, this shouldn't be my concern. At the same time though, love isn't just about being with someone, it's about caring what they do with their future and trying to help them not make bad choices. She was my friend for almost 3 years, before she was my girlfriend, I can't just eject her from my life so easily.

[Draper]

Well, it's good that you recognize you aren't getting anywhere right now.

 

We all want to seek closure in this type of situation. It's ****ing tough when they leave you with no explanation (and also somewhat cowardly) but no matter how many questions we ask or answers we do get, there will likely always be questions. I understand your pain, I really do, she's left you for 27 days now wondering what the hell is going on. I have a hell of a lot of questions I want to ask my ex but I know any questions that I do get answers to will only lead to more questions.

 

Yeah, you might have to derail yourself for some time. You know what though? Sooner or later, you'll get back on track. Will it hurt? Yeah, it will hurt like hell. That doesn't mean it won't get better though, because it will. Good times will pass and so will bad times. You'll get through this.

[louxor]

She does need to work on herself. That's not what's happening though, she's jumping right into her old relationship. I'm worried that she will end up having a child with this guy, and he will leave her because in actuality, he doesn't want kids at all. I know as of this moment, this shouldn't be my concern. At the same time though, love isn't just about being with someone, it's about caring what they do with their future and trying to help them not make bad choices. She was my friend for almost 3 years, before she was my girlfriend, I can't just eject her from my life so easily.

 

I understand your concerns, it's incredibly hard to see someone you care about deeply struggling, let alone someone you have loved. But the fact of the matter is that the only person who can truly change her life for the better is her.

 

You could talk to her all day about the things wrong with her life, how to fix it, how to be happier, but at the end of the day it has to come from her. She has to want it, and right now, she doesn't know what she wants.

 

She knows you care about her, that is obvious. If she needs you, she will let you know her own time.

 

Until then, there is nothing you can do unfortunately, and by keeping at her about it when she hasn't asked explicitly, I believe it will only push her further away.

[rayge118]

She is pretty much in total control of how you are feeling right now which is a really ****ty feeling, believe me I know. Anybody that would keep you in such a tortuous limbo is not somebody that has your feelings as a priority. I would be a bit hesitant if she wants to get back together. Focus on yourself, no more contact, and if she reaches out then you can talk to her. Waiting is the worst feeling.

[somewhatconfused]

Regardless of how much time she needs, my birthday is in a couple weeks. It's one of those days where you will know if someone really cares. If she sends me a Happy Birthday right at the start of the day (12am - 9 am) Then I will know I am still firmly in her mind. If she waits until the afternoon or night, then it will feel more like she just so happened to remember. If I get nothing, I guess I've got my answer. It's amazing the things the human mind will do when it's desperate for answers.

 

Also, another thing going through my head right now, is that we had sex without protection right before she left. So, if she is pregnant right now, there is a chance that is mine.

[louxor]

Regardless of how much time she needs, my birthday is in a couple weeks. It's one of those days where you will know if someone really cares. If she sends me a Happy Birthday right at the start of the day (12am - 9 am) Then I will know I am still firmly in her mind. If she waits until the afternoon or night, then it will feel more like she just so happened to remember. If I get nothing, I guess I've got my answer. It's amazing the things the human mind will do when it's desperate for answers.

 

Or she could just be busy trying to get her life back on its track.

Or she could have decided she doesn't want to feed you false hope.

Or a billion other reasons.

You are looking into this WAY too much and it is playing games with your mind.

 

Also, another thing going through my head right now, is that we had sex without protection right before she left. So, if she is pregnant right now, there is a chance that is mine.

 

Continuing on this train of thought, you could also have AIDS and herpes and a cocktail of whatever other STD's your brain wants to think you might have. Sounds stupid? Well duh that's because it is.

 

The chances of her being pregnant is ridiculously small, the chances that that is the reason why she left is even smaller.

 

You need to stop creating wildly drastic scenarios in your mind. They will only put a halt on your recovery process

[somewhatconfused]

I do want to recover, but I also want closure. I don't care if she screams in my face and says she never wants to see me again. It'll be the closure I need. Will it hurt? **** yes. Some things need to be done, whether or not she is trying to get her life on track or not. If she didn't want to feed me false hope, she would block me and tell me not to talk to her anymore. Who would leave someone hanging in limbo if they were trying to get their life on track?

 

Don't get me wrong, I understand what it means when someone is completely done with a relationship. This though? This leaves too many windows open.

 

I intend to derail myself the day after my birthday, if I receive nothing more than a "Happy Birthday."

 

I don't want to be like this, I really don't. It's not like I am some teenager who is strung up on the girl he lost his virginity to. I work hard, pay my bills and know what I want.

[louxor]

I do want to recover, but I also want closure. I don't care if she screams in my face and says she never wants to see me again. It'll be the closure I need. Will it hurt? **** yes. Some things need to be done, whether or not she is trying to get her life on track or not. If she didn't want to feed me false hope, she would block me and tell me not to talk to her anymore. Who would leave someone hanging in limbo if they were trying to get their life on track?

 

Don't get me wrong, I understand what it means when someone is completely done with a relationship. This though? This leaves too many windows open.

 

I intend to derail myself the day after my birthday, if I receive nothing more than a "Happy Birthday."

 

I don't want to be like this, I really don't. It's not like I am some teenager who is strung up on the girl he lost his virginity to. I work hard, pay my bills and know what I want.

 

This is from tara's post that you can find pinned at the top of this sub-forum:

 

Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex?

A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex.

Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons.

One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next....

Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway.

Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds.

Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again.

 

Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

 

----------

 

Although we cannot stop you from contacting her, I would suggest you make sense of the above words and re-evaluate you decision.

Edited September 30, 2015 by louxor

[somewhatconfused]

I have not messaged her in 16 days. Except for 1 message, which was just me wishing her deceased brother a happy birthday. It's one of the things that effects her the most emotionally.

[somewhatconfused]

I have been on NC with my ex GF for 20 days now. I had messaged her sister a bit (I think a little too much.) I was just wondering if it would be wise to send this message to her sister.

 

"Hello again (Sister), hope you're having a good day. I sincerely apologize for messaging you so much, regarding this whole ordeal. You won't have to worry about me bothering you about it anymore."

 

Thoughts? If you have a better idea of what to say, i'm all ears. I really just want to apologize to her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Your best bet is to just put a lid on it, say nothing because apologising is just - saying more and bothering her again.

Quit pestering her, and go NC.

If you're NC with your ex, this includes all contact with anyone in their circle too.

What the heck are you doing - ?!

 

That's just insane....

Have you actually read the NC Guide? If not, you really should.

because if you believe you're maintaining NC while being in touch with her sister, you have it drastically wrong.

NC means No Contact at all - with her, or anyone associated WITH her....

[Blanco]

I really just want to apologize to her.

 

No you don't. Subconsciously, you view this as a means of staying tangibly connected to your ex. Release it.

[dumbass2]

I have not messaged her in 16 days. Except for 1 message, which was just me wishing her deceased brother a happy birthday. It's one of the things that effects her the most emotionally.

 

What the heck? You sent your ex an email wishing her dead brother a happy birthday? Are you serious?

[somewhatconfused]

I feel like I should make this a little more clear. She added me after the break up, and she started by messaging me first. I am already ****ed for this whole situation, as I went overboard with the messages at first. I didn't even come here until almost 2 weeks after my break up. I messaged her too many times like an idiot. I'll let you decide the severity of it.

 

Her: Hey My name....its Sister, ex sister.

 

September 13th, 10:55pm

Me: Hey there, how are you doing?

 

I'm sorry about what happened with you and your husband. I hope you're doing alright.

 

Me: September 14th, 12:02pm

Hey, are you there?

 

Me:September 14th, 9:38pm

Hey Sister.... have you heard from Ex...?

 

September 15th, 12:03pm

Me:I'd like to talk to you, so if and when you have time.. please message me?

 

September 17th, 6:14pm

 

Her: Thanks My name, yes its a shame things didnt work out between us, but we are still friends atleast!!

 

Her: Ex is staying a few days longer with me at the cottage

 

Other sister and the boyfriend are on there way back to town, Ex went for the drive to keep my dad company lol

 

Me: Alright, thanks. It's good that you're so positive about it. I hope Ron, you and everyone are doing well. I had a great time while we were there, the peace is very calming.

 

Her: Yes, its been nice weather all week here! I hope you are doing well too!! I emailed ex the pics from last time lol

 

Me: That's good, I haven't seen them, I was rainy all weekend here, weather been nice all week though.

 

Her: It was ****ty on the weekend here too...but cleared up!!

 

Me: Summers coming to and end soon, unfortunately. It's already starting to get cold at night.

 

 

Her: It sure is!!! Atleast the mosquitoes are pretty much gone!!!

Ex and my dad should be back around 8 or so, I'll tell her we were chatting!

 

Me:Alright.

 

Me: Have a good night. I hope she is doing okay.

 

Her: Thanks you too!!! She seems to be ok just her quiet usual self!! Lol!! Take care for now!!

 

September 21st, 1:16pm

Hey Sister, I hope you and ex had a good weekend. How are you both doing?

 

September 24th, 9:32pm

Hey Sister, are you available to talk right now?

[TaraMaiden2]

Her: Hey My name....its Sister, ex sister.

 

September 13th, 10:55pm

Me: Hey there, how are you doing?

 

I'm sorry about what happened with you and your husband. I hope you're doing alright.

 

Me: September 14th, 12:02pm

Hey, are you there?

 

Me:September 14th, 9:38pm

Hey Sister.... have you heard from Ex...?

 

September 15th, 12:03pm

Me:I'd like to talk to you, so if and when you have time.. please message me?

 

September 17th, 6:14pm

 

Her: Thanks My name, yes its a shame things didnt work out between us, but we are still friends atleast!!

 

Her: Ex is staying a few days longer with me at the cottage

 

Other sister and the boyfriend are on there way back to town, Ex went for the drive to keep my dad company lol

 

Me: Alright, thanks. It's good that you're so positive about it. I hope Ron, you and everyone are doing well. I had a great time while we were there, the peace is very calming.

 

Her: Yes, its been nice weather all week here! I hope you are doing well too!! I emailed ex the pics from last time lol

 

Me: That's good, I haven't seen them, I was rainy all weekend here, weather been nice all week though.

 

Her: It was ****ty on the weekend here too...but cleared up!!

 

Me: Summers coming to and end soon, unfortunately. It's already starting to get cold at night.

 

 

Her: It sure is!!! Atleast the mosquitoes are pretty much gone!!!

Ex and my dad should be back around 8 or so, I'll tell her we were chatting!

 

Me:Alright.

 

Me: Have a good night. I hope she is doing okay.

 

Her: Thanks you too!!! She seems to be ok just her quiet usual self!! Lol!! Take care for now!!

 

September 21st, 1:16pm

Hey Sister, I hope you and ex had a good weekend. How are you both doing?

 

September 24th, 9:32pm

Hey Sister, are you available to talk right now?

 

You obviously pushed the conversation to begin with, and asking for info on your ex was the worst idea ever.

Just bears out what we have been saying.

you maintained contact for feedback on your ex.

 

Go No Contact and stay No Contact.

 

That would be best.

[somewhatconfused]

Yes, I wished her deceased brother a Happy Birthday. It's still her brother, she still thinks about him. Do you see something wrong with that? It's not like she's going to treat it like any other day, it has meaning and it will never not have meaning to her. May 2nd could have something important to you associated with it, but it doesn't mean someone else will see it the same way you do.

[somewhatconfused]

Yea, i've ****ed any chance at recovering this whole thing over. I let my emotions get the best of me in the beginning, and because of that I couldn't even go NC properly. It's horrible, because I want to apologize, but if I apologize I am just bothering her more.

 

It's like I stepped on a nail, but i'm not allowed to pull it out of my foot.

[TaraMaiden2]

Actually, what you did is commonly termed round here as 'ripping the stitches out'.

 

You CAN heal - but you have to give yourself time, and quit pickin' at the scabs....

 

Have you read the Guide yet?

I mean, properly, read it?

[somewhatconfused]

Yes, I did read it properly. A lot of those messages were sent before I read it though.