Hey

[ExpatInItaly]

As already stated, don't message her sister anymore. It is clear she doesn't wish to speak about your ex, and I get the sense she's being friendly but isn't overly interested in keeping the conversation going. Just let it be.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, I did read it properly. A lot of those messages were sent before I read it though.

 

...But you asked your first-post question AFTER you'd read the Guide - but still asked the question, huh...?

 

See, the Guide is the most fool-proof way to go, but it's hard for some people to implement....

 

So you know what to do now.

[organizedchaos]

Don't message the sister anymore. Leave her alone. There is no obligation to do anything on your part.

[somewhatconfused]

I honestly don't know what you're thinking. Logically, it makes no sense for someone to go back to a relationship where there is constant mental/ verbal abuse, lying, using, manipulation and a constant beating of your self esteem, so far down that it makes you think you don't deserve anyone else. I'm not sitting here saying this in order to get you back, that ship has sailed and would take a speed boat to catch. I am saying this as someone who cares for you very deeply. You deserve so much better, you have an amazing personality, you're smarter than you seem to think. You have so much love and affection in your heart, but there is something else there. There is a really deep wound, you won't let it heal because you don't think that you deserve it. You spent 10 years in a relationship, constantly fighting to keep things going for the better. Everything you did was only met by a wall that he put up. It was never his fault though, he blamed everything on you and expected you to be the one who feels bad, and face the consequences. He knows his hooks are in deep, he knew that he would only have to wait and ignore you for the most part. All he would have to do after that, is say the right things. Actions will always speak louder than words. How do you feel about yourself? Not about the relationship, but about yourself. Are you happy with the way you are? Do you feel confident in everything you do, or do you feel like the only way you deserve happiness is if he is happy too? You may say to all this, "There were a lot of happy times too!" How hard did you have to work to make those happy times happen? How much effort did you put into it, in comparison to the effort he put in? If your partner has to guilt you into doing something, or to stop an argument; that relationship is not a healthy one. A relationship shouldn't be something you have to constantly fight to keep going, it should be a situation where both people are comfortable with each other. Partners shouldn't have insecurities about what they're significant other thinks about them, they should know that they accept and respect them for who they are. I don't want you to say anything to me, I want you to answer these questions, to yourself. Feel free to ask anyone else about it, but ask yourself first.

[somewhatconfused]

Update:

 

Day 26 of NC.

 

Still maintaining no contact, it's getting a little easier. It's still incredibly hard at the same time. She has not grabbed her stuff and I have not sent or dropped them off. I'm thinking about putting her stuff in a box and putting it in a closet or something.

 

I saw her on facebook a few times, I didn't message her and she didn't message me. She still hasn't changed her relationship status, it's been 42 days since she went back to her ex. My birthday is 5 days away, and part of me wants her to wish me a happy birthday, but the other part wants her to not even message me, so I can keep moving on and healing.

 

I ordered embroidered towels for her and I, right before she left. I don't know if I should give it to her though. I don't know anyone else with her name. These towels weren't cheap either.

[Poutrew]

Update:

 

 

 

 

I ordered embroidered towels for her and I, right before she left. I don't know if I should give it to her though. I don't know anyone else with her name. These towels weren't cheap either.

 

 

Well concerning those towels, You can use the one with your name on it normally. Here are a few suggestions you can use her towel for:

 

 

1. Line the bottom of the birdcage.

2. Use it to mop up Fido's barf (cause all dogs barf, ya' know.)

3. Pick up your pets poop from the carpet.

4. Use it when working on your car and those blue mechanic's paper towels just wont do.

5. Stick it under the door jam on a rainy day to sop up the muddy water.

6. Cut her name off it and use the towel as a washrag - or just use the name part as a washrag. We all know how washrags are used, right?

7. Reusable diaper / feminine napkin for those environmentally conscious women out there.

8. Hemorrhoid liner / Anal leakage barrier...

 

 

Well, I hope you get the picture. It should also help in your recovery.

[somewhatconfused]

Hey there! My story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/550524-hey

 

Well, today is my birthday and I would have honestly rather have heard nothing, so I can keep moving on.

 

Anyways, my Ex girlfriends sister posted a happy birthday message on my facebook wall, and it said it was from both of them. I didn't reply for 10 hours and all I said was, "Thanks!"

 

I'm honestly frustrated, I feel like I should just block and delete them both and get it over with. I still love her though, even after these past 41 days of being apart.

[louxor]

You gotta do what's best for you in recovering. If you feel deleting or blocking them will be the best option for you, then do it - It does not matter what they may or may not think about it.

[frigginlost]

Hey there! My story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/550524-hey

 

Well, today is my birthday and I would have honestly rather have heard nothing, so I can keep moving on.

 

Anyways, my Ex girlfriends sister posted a happy birthday message on my facebook wall, and it said it was from both of them. I didn't reply for 10 hours and all I said was, "Thanks!"

 

I'm honestly frustrated, I feel like I should just block and delete them both and get it over with. I still love her though, even after these past 41 days of being apart.

 

This is going to sting. Sorry in advance.

 

Yes, you should block them. You are dealing with a woman with a 10 year headstart with her boyfriend. You are not going to break that no matter what you say or do. She has to do it, and she has shown that she has no interest in doing so. Your relationship foundation was built on her cheating on him to be with you, so you have to understand that there was a possibility she would "wise up" and go back to him. It does not really have anything to do with you as harsh as that sounds.

 

Go enjoy your birthday as best you can, man. There are a ton of other women out there!

[somewhatconfused]

Update: She hasn't contacted me. I blocked her on facebook and am continuing to try to move on. She is on my mind less often now, but she still pops up regularly. I am going to be messaging her mother, to drop her stuff off there. I have written a letter for her. It's a goodbye letter, not a desperation letter. Opinions are always welcome.

 

Dear, EX

 

I have a lot that I've wanted to say to you. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever get the chance to say it in person. Especially after everything I've heard through the grape vine. When you left, I was an emotional wreck and in barely any shape to speak. I said some things that I regret saying, but sincerely meant a lot of what I said.

 

There are a few things that I need to correct here. I know you remember saying, "If I ever broke up with Doe, I would probably bang all the guys I could." Well, that didn't bother me anywhere near as much as when you told me you still loved your ex. I never thought you would cheat on me with someone random, or just for the hell of it. What concerned me the most, was you possibly cheating on me with Doe. That whole thing was just a cover for my real concerns. I was scared and didn't know if you were really in the relationship or not. I shouldn't have let it bother me and I should have trusted you.

 

It started getting to me more though, especially since you still had him on your friends list and could talk to him at anytime. Ultimately, it made me become controlling. I said things I wouldn't normally say and had hesitation in some of my decisions. It kept me from letting you have your freedom as an individual. Instead of talking to you about how I really felt, I kept it in and didn't want to hear anything regarding your ex. For this, I am sorry.

 

I can sit here and type why I was the way I was, but it'll just look like excuses. In the end, I was controlling, I always had to be right, I was clingy and I said a lot of stupid things. I have no one to blame, but myself for my actions.

 

What we had between us was amazing, the passion, the love and the warmth. My only regret is that I didn't communicate my problems with you more. Instead, I let myself become controlling and ended up pushing you away. For this reason, you, the most important person in the world to me, is no longer beside me. Every situation in life can be solved, as long as both parties are willing to communicate and put an honest effort into solving the problem.

 

I honestly hope there never comes a time in your life, where you feel as helpless and dejected as I was. It's one of the most miserable feelings that anyone can experience. It makes you feel like a walking shell, as if you have been hollowed out. This whole experience has really hurt me, but has also made me stronger. It also gave me a lot of time to think and try to better myself. I've done a lot to improve upon myself and my life since you left. I've come to understand that there was more than just those problems, and I have so much more to say, but it's basically pointless now.

 

I blocked you because I think it will help me move on. I have shed more tears for you, than I have for anyone else. It won't be anytime soon before I will be able to completely move on. I will always cherish what we had together. I love you, EX. Take care of yourself.

 

I won't try to contact you again after this, out of respect for your decision.

 

Sincerely,

 

Blob

 

 

I do not expect a reply. This is the elusive closure I am looking for. It's not from her, but this way I can really start to move on, and get the stuff that I needed to say off my chest. It feels a lot better than having stuff left unsaid. Whether she reads it is her choice, and I don't need to know either. All that matters to me is that I can get some form of closure in this situation.

Edited November 2, 2015 by somewhatconfused
Forgot something

[mightycpa]

I've punched up that pathetic letter of yours, and given voice to the emotions you appear to be repressing.

 

 

Ex,

 

Long time no see. Ever since we broke up I've had all this stuff I've wanted to say to you. But since I am never ever going to see you ever again, I'll never get the chance to say it in person. Especially after all the **** I've heard about you through the grapevine. Holy ****! Anyway, right after you left, I was an emotional train wreck and I had no idea what to say. I said some things that I regret you hearing, but meant every friggin' word of it.

 

There are a few things that I just need to get off my chest. I hope you read every word of this, and know that every word is the honest truth.

 

Remember when you said, "If I ever broke up with Doe, I would probably bang all the guys I could." ? Well, even that whorish side of your personality didn't bother me anywhere near as much as when you told me you still loved your ex. I've always been jealous of him, not only because he has your affections, but also because I'm pretty sure he can see you for who you really are, while I can only see you as who I want you to be. I'd give anything to be able to see you the way he does. I mean, I should have known better, but I honestly never thought you would cheat on me with someone random, or just for the hell of it. I'm a ****ing idiot, aren't I? The girl who cheated on her boyfriend to be with me, the girl who would bang "all the guys she could" wouldn't ever cheat on me? What was I ****ing thinking? But I digress. That's not why I'm writing.

 

Obviously I'm all ****ed up. I can't think straight when it comes to you. You cheated on your bf so you could be with me, then naturally, I started getting worried about you cheating on me. You reap what you sow, don't you? Ugh! Anyway, even though I was obviously exactly right about that, I shouldn't have expressed it the way I did. Rather than telling you that I had no trust in you, I tried to control you. I was afraid to bother you with my concerns, because, well, to be honest, it would have come out in a way to make you think that I thought you were a whore; that's not how I wanted it to sound, although now that I think about it, I guess that's what I was thinking... that you were an untrustworthy whore. I really should have just waited until it happened, and dealt with it then. All that worrying and controlling just made our time together worse, and it didn't change a thing. In the end, my worst fears were realized. For this, I am truly sorry.

 

I honestly hope there never comes a time in your life where you feel as helpless and dejected as I was and honestly, still am. It's one of the most miserable feelings that anyone can experience. It makes you feel like a walking shell, as if you have been hollowed out. This whole experience has really hurt me, but has also opened my eyes. Slowly but surely, I'm becoming stronger. It also gave me a lot of time to think and try to better myself. I've done a lot to improve upon myself and my life since you left. I've also come to understand that there was more than just those problems, and I have so much more to say, but it's basically pointless now. I guess the best way to say it is this: I don't know how much I learned when I was with you, but I learned a ****load by losing you. Don't take this the wrong way, but losing you is probably the best thing that will ever happen to me, in many, many ways. I'm glad I met you.

 

You may have noticed I blocked you in social media and on my phone, etc., and you're wondering why. Obviously, it's because I never want to hear from you again, never want to hear about you again, never want to think about you again, not because I hate you, but because I hate the way I feel about you. I think that blocking you will help me move on. I'm such a big pussy for you and I hate that I'd respond with some whiny **** if I'm exposed to you, so I've got to purge you from my life. I have shed more tears for you than I have for anyone else, and I'm sure I'll cry even more. My tears are endless. It won't be anytime soon before I will be able to not care about you even a little bit. I feel like I will always cherish what we had together, but I hope I'm wrong about that. I love you, EX. I hate myself for it, but I love you and I can't stop myself yet. I love you more than you'll ever know, because you're not capable of that kind of love. It kills me that you'll never love me like that, and that you'd rather bang as many guys as you can. Can you imagine? Who would love someone like that? Me, apparently. Pity me, because while you get to leave me, I have to live with myself knowing I'm this ****ed up. You're so lucky and I'm so stuck.

 

Still with me? Oh, good, I thought you might have stopped reading by now. OK, I'm going to wrap it up now. Listen, don't worry, I won't try to contact you again after this, partly out of respect for your decision, but mostly, out of respect for myself. It doesn't mean I don't care about you. I want you to be well, and stay healthy. I think you should indulge yourself a little, do something nice and special for yourself now. Like maybe bang all those guys like you were talking about, so you can achieve your goal of being a human pincushion. I'll never know, so you should do it for yourself. And if you do it, take care of yourself, ok? Lubricate regularly, and make them use condoms or something.

 

Oh, and don't be mad about this letter. It's just the ramblings of a broken heart trying to get rid of the illusions, trying to heal. I want you to realize that it doesn't matter what I think about you or how I'm going to remember you. It doesn't change a thing in your life... I won't tell a soul. This is between you and me. I just want to make sure that you know how I really feel, one last time.

 

I love you. **** you. Goodbye.

 

Blob

Edited November 2, 2015 by mightycpa

[somewhatconfused]

I've punched up that pathetic letter of yours, and given voice to the emotions you appear to be repressing.

 

Wow, haha. While i'll use some of that, I won't use it all.

 

I should also clarify that she didn't go around ganging a bunch of dudes. She said it in more of a joking manner, but it's one of those things that sticks with you. She went back to her ex.

Edited November 2, 2015 by somewhatconfused

[TaraMaiden2]

Wow, haha. While i'll use some of that, I won't use it all.

 

I should also clarify that she didn't go around ganging a bunch of dudes. She said it in more of a joking manner, but it's one of those things that sticks with you. She went back to her ex.

 

No, you really need to send all of it, apart from anything that is actually not true. Otherwise, word for word....

[somewhatconfused]

No, you really need to send all of it, apart from anything that is actually not true. Otherwise, word for word....

 

Uhh, yea. That's not going to happen.

[somewhatconfused]

Dear Ex,

 

Long time no see. Ever since we broke up I've had a lot that I've wanted to say to you. Since I am not going to see you again, I'll never get the chance to say it in person. Especially after all the things I've heard through the grapevine. Anyway, right after you left, I was an emotional train wreck and I said some things that I regret, but meant a lot of it.

 

There are a few things that I need to get off my chest. I hope you read this and know that it is the honest truth.

 

Remember when you said, "If I ever broke up with Doe, I would probably bang all the guys I could." Well, even that didn't bother me anywhere near as much as when you told me you still loved doe. I honestly never thought you would cheat on me with someone random, or just for the hell of it. Your ex though? Of course I was going to be concerned about your ex, it was a given.

 

It started getting to me more though, especially since you still had him on your friends list and could talk to him at anytime. Ultimately, it made me become controlling. I said things I wouldn't normally say and had hesitation in some of my decisions. It kept me from letting you have your freedom as an individual and instead of talking to you about how I really felt, I kept it in and didn't want to hear anything regarding your ex. For doing this, I feel like an idiot and I'm sorry. I was right to be worried though, but that doesn't mean that I'm always right.

 

I honestly hope there never comes a time in your life where you feel as helpless and dejected as I was and honestly, kind of still am. It's one of the most miserable feelings that anyone can experience. It makes you feel like a walking shell, as if you have been hollowed out. This whole experience has really hurt me, but has also opened my eyes. Slowly but surely, I'm becoming stronger. It also gave me a lot of time to think and try to better myself. I've done a lot to improve upon myself and my life since you left. I've also come to understand that there was more than just those problems, and I have so much more to say, but it's basically pointless now. I guess the best way to say it is this: I don't know how much I learned when I was with you, but I learned a lot more by losing you. I'm glad I met you.

 

You may have noticed I blocked you on Facebook and you might be wondering, “Why?”. Obviously, it's because if we're not going to be together anymore, I don't want to hear about you, and don't want to think about you. Not because I hate you, but because of the way I feel about you. I think that blocking you will help me move on. I have shed more tears for you than I have for anyone else, and it won't be anytime soon before I will be able to not care about you. I will always cherish what we had together, but I don't feel like being reminded about someone who doesn't want to be with me.

 

Still reading? Great! I thought you might have stopped reading. Alright, I'm going to wrap it up now. Listen, don't worry, I won't try to contact you again after this, partly out of respect for your decision, but mostly, out of respect for myself. It doesn't mean I don't care about you. I want you to be well, stay healthy, and only wish you the best in your future.

 

Oh, and don't be mad about this letter, it's just me trying to heal. I want you to know that it doesn't matter what I think about you or how I'm going to remember you now. It doesn't change a thing in your life, not anymore. You made your decision and seem content with the choices you've made. So, take care of yourself.

 

I love you, Ex

 

Revised.

[TaraMaiden2]

No, I'd gathered that.... (Hence the smiley). But sometimes, it's so tempting....it just helps us vent.

I'm a great advocate of actually spewing your guts out on paper, every single last word of venom possible, keep nothing back, no holds barred - and then shoving it to the back of a drawer for a week.

 

A week later, you just don't care any more.

You take it out, read it, shake your head and just rip it to shreds.

 

That works well for a lot of people....

[somewhatconfused]

No, I'd gathered that.... (Hence the smiley). But sometimes, it's so tempting....it just helps us vent.

I'm a great advocate of actually spewing your guts out on paper, every single last word of venom possible, keep nothing back, no holds barred - and then shoving it to the back of a drawer for a week.

 

A week later, you just don't care any more.

You take it out, read it, shake your head and just rip it to shreds.

 

That works well for a lot of people....

 

I tried that, didn't work for me. I don't wanna be venomous either. I want indifference by the time I actually get over her, it's better than being angry.

 

I intend to send this, and I have written a book worth of ****, trying to figure out what I want to say. Only keeping the most important stuff, and trying to not spill all my guts to her.

 

That other one is a grammatical nightmare, and the way it sounds, makes it comes off as crazy.

Edited November 2, 2015 by somewhatconfused

[somewhatconfused]

Another Update!

 

So, supposedly, everything i've been told by people that I thought were trustworthy, has been lies. It seems that certain people are trying to make me think that she is completely done with the relationship, when in reality she isn't even in town.

 

She has gone to another city, to stay with her sister for a bit.

 

Why? Well, because the ex that she cheated on me with, started going stalker crazy bf mode on her. Wouldn't give her space and she couldn't take it. Now she has been gone since about day, 9. Taking the time to truly think about what she wants. I found this out when I dropped her stuff off at her sisters.

 

I'm no fool, I know this isn't a guarantee of me getting her back, but it's actually relieving to know that she is actually taking the time to decide what she wants with her life. Hope for the best, expect the worst.

[TaraMaiden2]

So.... you're going to accept second-hand, shop-soiled goods, back?

 

Rather like the pair of shoes that didn't fit and pinched and hurt when you wore them - you're going to consider putting those back on, are you?

 

Hmmmm.......

[somewhatconfused]

So.... you're going to accept second-hand, shop-soiled goods, back?

 

Rather like the pair of shoes that didn't fit and pinched and hurt when you wore them - you're going to consider putting those back on, are you?

 

Hmmmm.......

 

I can understand where you're coming from, but I don't see it as second hand goods. I see her as a human being. I know that "IF" I get back together with her, I may just be begging for more heartbreak in the future. The heart wants what it wants though.

[greenleaves54]

You come off as extremely needy and desperate in that letter. She will lose even more respect of you when she reads that.

 

If you're aware of this, and still feel you have to send it in order to move on and heal - go ahead. But please be aware that it will push her even further away from you.

 

Don't beg man. Don't act needy. She's just some confused chick. Find yourself, realize that you don't need her and that she would have to be extremely lucky to get a shot with you again.

[RIPolaris]

Honestly it seems it's time to cut this girl from your life. Have some self respect for yourself man. I don't understand how you can love someone who treats you the way she has treated you; who throws you away like trash and goes back to her ex.

 

 

I was with a girl just a few months ago who had left her fiancé for me (she never cheated on him with me) and then after a couple months she left me and went back to him. Also found out she was lying to me and had cheated on me with said ex after she dumped me. I ****ing loved that girl. Did I pursue her? Absolutely not. **** her. It was clear that she didn't care for me and this girl doesn't care for you either. Have some dignity.

 

 

Clinging onto her is only causing you more harm. Something I read here before; The pain is unavoidable but the suffering is optional. You're choosing to suffer by not letting go in this case. You're only hindering your recovery.

 

 

Go NC, block her number and on all social media. Don't go snooping around on her FB and whatnot, nothing you see will help you and will more than likely only make you feel worse. If she really wants you back she'll make every effort to let you know, but even then I wouldn't consider it if I were you. Actually you and I are in a similar situation and I DON'T consider taking my ex back even if she did come crawling back (which she won't but that's because my ex is a master manipulator and a sadist but anyway...). You have to see this from a logical and rational standpoint. Even if she did come back, she'd more than likely be uncertain of her feelings again some time down the road. The cycle would then repeat.

 

 

I hate to say this but there is no future with this girl. Let go and do what's best for you.

[clam]

Well, since she has been out of town since Day 9, she probably IS hooking up with all the guys she can now.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. 40+ days and you haven't heard a peep out of her?

 

It's really time to toss this one back.

[TaraMaiden2]

I can understand where you're coming from, but I don't see it as second hand goods. I see her as a human being.

Yes: News flash: We're all Human beings, so that really doesn't make her outstanding.

In fact, I worry about her stability and how unreliable she is. But hey, if you want to pin your hopes on someone who can ride roughshod all over your feelings like that, when there are others who would treat you better, more honestly, more lovingly and with greater respect, knock yourself out.....

 

I know that "IF" I get back together with her, I may just be begging for more heartbreak in the future. The heart wants what it wants though.

What a ridiculous line.

How many times has the heart wanted, and when it gets what it wants, is crushed beyond repair?

You need to start listening less to your emotional, illogical and irrational heart, and more to the logical voice in your HEAD - and the voices of all those on this forum who have been there, done that, written the letter, revisited the crash-site and honestly know better.

 

Really hun, harsh as it may sound, please, give common sense a chance, ok?