! Really want to break NC...

[Samuel_22]

I agree with Blanco. Dumpees can never trust their hearts, most of the times what they have to do is exactly opposite of what they feel they have to do... Don't break NC under any circumstance, that will just make things complicated. If you wanna see how just google ''I broke NC'' you will see the result. Never never break NC. If the dumper wants you, she will contact you... if not there is no point in contacting them

[singme2sleep]

Sometimes people have to do things anyway, to see what happens, for themself. I'm not trying to give bad advice, I'm dying inside not being able to talk to my ex. But I know if he wanted to talk to me, he'd talk.

[Blanco]

Sometimes people have to do things anyway, to see what happens, for themself. I'm not trying to give bad advice, I'm dying inside not being able to talk to my ex. But I know if he wanted to talk to me, he'd talk.

 

I agree sometimes you need to touch the stove yourself so you can register "hot" in your mind. I'm just saying that given everything OP has written about his situation, he should expect his girlfriend to, at best, offer him friendship with no hope of reconciling the relationship.

[SOB86]

I am in a similar situation as op. I thought about writing a letter but have changed my mind since reading this thread. I hate how we have to play these mind games.

[Stage5Clinger]

Being a LDR of course something was missing... seeing each others' faces. Is that going to change? Will any of this change by you sending the letter? No. But maybe sending it is how you figure that out and stranger things have happened. Just don't be shocked if her response is less than proclaiming her love in return for you. She may have moved on by now.

[singme2sleep]

I agree sometimes you need to touch the stove yourself so you can register "hot" in your mind. I'm just saying that given everything OP has written about his situation, he should expect his girlfriend to, at best, offer him friendship with no hope of reconciling the relationship.

 

I'm just having a rough day, I almost touched the stove. I feel so low right now.

[Blanco]

I'm just having a rough day, I almost touched the stove. I feel so low right now.

 

No need to feel low. I think most of us have been there and can relate.

 

It was a little over six months ago that I found out she was going to date someone. We hadn't been apart for more than two months and even though I was pretty sure the relationship being over was for the best, I got panicky and convinced myself I wanted to be back in. I wrote her a long letter where I basically poured out my heart, saying that it took me being away from her and the kids to know that really being a family and building something together was what I truly wanted out of all of this.

 

I left this the day I got the rest of my things out of there. She's never acknowledged the letter. Later that night, feeling low, I went by her place, thinking I'd stop in and talk about the letter. That's when I saw the new guy's car in the driveway. And it was still there when I went back the next morning.

 

Talk about crushing, but it was an experience that reaffirmed that once you've hit a certain point, there's no letter, email, monologue, or message via carrier pigeon that's going to change the other person's mind.

[notforair]

I have really appreciated all the view points and replies here. This is the hardest thing ever when you do have such strong feelings for someone and have to face the black hole of NC.

 

I made a move and I think I am already starting to regret it. I did not send the letter. I did not email. I sent a text. I had made a meal from a cookbook we both really love and in a flash I sent a text telling her that I did that and was thankful for all of the great meals we shared. I told her I think of her often and wished her well.

 

It felt so good to just break that negative traumatic silence. Then not 10 mins later I got a reply that just mirrored back what I said. A couple more that were cordial. She said I was always the better cook. Then the next morning she sent a picture of her cat who I loved and told me I thought I would want to see how cute she was.

 

I felt like an addict just getting a fix and hanging for more. I also felt so angry that underneath it all was the pain and suffering that wasn't even acknowledged or mentioned and never has been. I was thrown away like a piece of trash on a phone call and I am now so ashamed that I sacrificed some dignity here for her to just want back the comfort. I guess thats what I appeared to want too but of course I want more. I want the relationship back but its not coming back. Even if I were to climb the huge mountain of waiting to see if anything comes of me sacrificing all my dignity, self-respect, energy, and expectations then is it really worth it? I gave this girl my heart fully and she threw that away for some Tinder dates. She didn't love me like I loved her and she never will. Especially since I am all the way across the country and can't even be a part of her everyday life in a normal way.

 

I don't necessarily feel like I am back at ground zero but I am close to it. I will share more as it comes.

[mightycpa]

First time here.

Clearly! But welcome!

I was dumped by my GF of almost a year about a month ago. While there were a few bumps of what she told me was commitment fear along the road she finally ended it by stating that "something was missing" and "there wasn't the spark that she always wanted". It was an LDR and this is directly after me arranging to work remotely to live with her for close to 2 months and right after I spent a vacation with her and her parents. I was blindsided and crushed. I felt used and strung along.

 

Since I have only responded to 2 text messages. We have been NC for 2 weeks now.

So far, so good. Not a perfect record, but head and shoulders above most.

this is directly after me arranging to work remotely to live with her for close to 2 months and right after I spent a vacation with her and her parents

I'm guessing that this right here was the killer for your relationship. The timing is pretty coincidental, I'd say. Moving along...

 

Tonight I wrote her a letter that I really want to send. While there are many things she did not handle well at all this letter forgives her and frees her from guilt because I don't want to hold the keys to that.

Two quick things. She probably doesn't actually feel guilty (despite what she may have told you) and you don't hold the keys to anything of consequence any more

I thank her for all the good times and apologize for what I feel were things I could have made better.

I know, better than most, that this sounds like a good idea, but it really isn't. She's going to roll her eyes, like so:

 

I feel like sending this will give me some closure and forward progress towards acceptance but is it a good idea? Has anyone done something similar?

Lots of people have done something similar, and most regret it. It does not deliver the peace that they think it will. The next thing you know, you really want her to respond, and to appreciate your gesture and words of gentle wisdom.

 

The strong move here is to turn your back and go silently into that dark night.

[Blanco]

This thread encapsulates what's both great and awful about a forum like this. On the one hand, it can be a treasure trove of great insights and perspectives on matters a lot of us can relate to. On the other, most of the advice in threads similar to this one are usually disregarded by the OP, because they're gonna do what they're gonna do regardless of what anybody says.

[Hope87]

First time here.

 

I was dumped by my GF of almost a year about a month ago. While there were a few bumps of what she told me was commitment fear along the road she finally ended it by stating that "something was missing" and "there wasn't the spark that she always wanted". It was an LDR and this is directly after me arranging to work remotely to live with her for close to 2 months and right after I spent a vacation with her and her parents. I was blindsided and crushed. I felt used and strung along.

 

Since I have only responded to 2 text messages. We have been NC for 2 weeks now.

 

Tonight I wrote her a letter that I really want to send. While there are many things she did not handle well at all this letter forgives her and frees her from guilt because I don't want to hold the keys to that. I thank her for all the good times and apologize for what I feel were things I could have made better.

 

I feel like sending this will give me some closure and forward progress towards acceptance but is it a good idea? Has anyone done something similar?

 

 

Hi OP,

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your pain. I don't think you should send the letter thought because sending it is more likely to set you back than actually give you closure. The question you need to ask yourself is: how would you feel in the event that she doesn't acknowledge or respond to your letter? I personally don't believe that NC should be imposed permanently, but I think it's absolutely necessary when you're still vulnerable and raw.

 

 

Please don't send the letter, at least not yet. Wait it out for a few months and see how you're feeling then. I think a lot might have changed for the better, by then and I don't think you'd still want to send the letter.

[Hope87]

Don't reach out yet. If you want, you can try the Relationship Rewind methods. Out of sheer utter desperation I got the modules. Lol.

 

Basic principle is: you can't just randomly send messages to your ex without knowing their frame of mind. The ebook has steps on how to determine which stage of the relationship you're in, and then you can tailor your message so that it doesn't end up pushing him/her away. Most of us tend to reach out to our ex's while thinking/feeling like we do during the honeymoon stages of our relationships, which is most likely NOT the state of mind our ex's are in. I can share it with you if you like, but use it at your own risk.

 

If you reach out while he/she is still feeling animosity/pain/any negative emotion towards you, even the very memories that used to give her butterflies will annoy her now.

 

 

Hi, would you be kind enough to please share the Relationship Reversal material? I'm curious to know what the author says... reading at my own risk. understood. Thanks

[singme2sleep]

I am in a similar situation as op. I thought about writing a letter but have changed my mind since reading this thread. I hate how we have to play these mind games.

 

It's almost a weird concept when you think about it. Asking if we can contact the person whom we talked to everyday. The person we kissed, hugged, cuddled with at night. Breaking up is like un-meeting someone. I hate it.

[notforair]

Hi all. I wish I would have continued NC and now I will. One text exchange lead to another and that lead to a phone call. Her voice was different. It was like she completely forgot about us...or just wanted to forget. We talked about all the things we had been up to and it made me miss her more and being with her friends. I asked if she wanted to talk about how things ended and she said "I don't know do you?" I couldn't help but talk about it since I had been in such anguish dealing with all the feelings on my own for 2 months after she just picked up the phone and said it was over and sorry but goodbye. I just had a wimper of telling her that I had been out of touch to work through things and give us space. That I know it was hard for her to do what she did but it hurt me greatly. She just said "I'm sorry". In that same cold voice and then chippered up and told me she had to go to a social event.

 

Dumpers don't give a damn. Maybe she will months down the road once she sees how most men will treat her. Maybe she will be happy as a lark with some new fool who isn't wise to her game that leads to a devalued trashed love that wasn't love. Maybe she will find the love of her life. The point is I need to not give a damn because I am worth better than what she had to offer.

[Blanco]

Dumpers don't give a damn.

 

This just isn't true. It's true that often times, the dumper has gotten a head start on moving on by time they end the relationship. But it's cynical to paint them all as people who "don't give a damn."

 

What do you want her to do? Do you want her to be openly remorseful about ending things so you can misread that as her wanting to be back together rather than her just expressing her guilt?

 

We've all been there. This isn't easy. But you keep disregarding everyone's advice here and then acting surprised that you feel worse and worse.

 

Her not reaching out to you for two months after ending it was your sign that this thing is FINISHED. It sucks, but you really need to stay NC, because your last paragraph makes it sound like you're now turning her into a villain because she isn't responding to your persistent pestering the way you'd like her to. That's unfair to her.

[notforair]

Fair enough Blanco. It was said out of anger. Safe place to do that here.

 

I completely understand steering clear of painting her as the villian. It's unfair that she handled the breakup in a very cold and cowardly way and I have every right to be upset over that. I am trying to let go.

[Blanco]

I completely understand steering clear of painting her as the villian. It's unfair that she handled the breakup in a very cold and cowardly way and I have every right to be upset over that. I am trying to let go.

 

What was cold and cowardly about it? From what you said earlier in this thread, she sounded very conflicted about ending things, a common occurrence in these situations, which led to her going from one extreme to the other in terms of how she felt about you.

[K2z]

I think the whole "move on while you are still in the relationship" is inherently cowardly. It spares the dumper nearly all the nightmares the dumpee experiences. My dumper took that cowardice a step further, taking a THREE MONTH trip to visit her sister in Europe, saying wait for me wait for me, I love you I'll be back.... then dumping two months into it. Like a distance yourself/ breakup Club Med. Cowardly and morally weak, in my view.

[notforair]

Similar thoughts K2z. My ex had ample space and time to talk to me about how she was feeling while I was with her for more than a month at the end of this LDR. I was very active in opening the lines of communication and was told one story about how much she loved me and wanted to continue.

 

Not until I returned home and the day after I was told a job interview I was flying back out there for was cancelled did she call me up right after finishing a day at work (oddly enough at her recruiting job) and in a 10 minute heartless convo let me go like a job candidate.