Mrs. John Adams Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 This is not about you you have no rights..it does not have anything to do with you this is not about you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 So there's no way I can even bring this up to him? It all impacts me too. I should be able to say something about it. Yes sure bring it up to him.... only if you offer to trade places with his dying wife (you dying instead of her). That would be the only appropriate way you could approach him regarding this matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Yes sure bring it up to him.... only if you offer to trade places with his dying wife (you dying instead of her). That would be the only appropriate way you could approach him regarding this matter. Now why didn't i think of that! DAMN! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 So our past together means nothing? I'm supposed to just leave him alone and just let him deal with this by himself? No support, no shoulder, no nothing? Your past didn't mean anything when he left you, why should it mean anything now? Even if HE approached YOU , you should have the self respect to say NO. What is it that makes you have such little self respect? I'm not actually even thinking of her dying and him needing support, HE left YOU for HER. Leave them to it. Some would call it karma.....as they both betrayed you. They didn't respect you.....please just move on and let them deal with whatever problems they have. In your position I wouldn't be bothered at all and TBH, I'd probably think what goes around comes around twice as hard. If he was the last man on earth I wouldn't have him back. I will NEVER be anyone's fall back plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Obviously I can't switch places with her. It seems absurd to me that I can't talk to him at all about it. It's not like it's a secret. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 So there's no way I can even bring this up to him? It all impacts me too. I should be able to say something about it. How does this impact you? Why should you be allowed into their lives? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 obviously i can't switch places with her. It seems absurd to me that i can't talk to him at all about it. It's not like it's a secret. because it is none of your business and you will look unhinged. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I agree, you have to stay out of it, he wouldn't be comfortable with you in this situation. He is trying to support her right now they don't need you to interfere with your plan..... A lot of people are sick and don't die...... You could tell him you will help more with the kids and help him that way so he is free to help her.......that is a nice thing to do, but nothing more. It's selfish of you to plan after her death, it is pure disrespect....if your husband choses something down the road if something does happen to her that will be his choice......... But you stay respectful of his choice and just work on yourself so you are a better person.....that is your job now.......cleaning up your side of the street coming in with a selfish plan for yourself in times of sadness and fear of the future is just plain wrong........... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Your past didn't mean anything when he left you, why should it mean anything now? Even if HE approached YOU , you should have the self respect to say NO. What is it that makes you have such little self respect? I'm not actually even thinking of her dying and him needing support, HE left YOU for HER. Leave them to it. Some would call it karma.....as they both betrayed you. They didn't respect you.....please just move on and let them deal with whatever problems they have. In your position I wouldn't be bothered at all and TBH, I'd probably think what goes around comes around twice as hard. If he was the last man on earth I wouldn't have him back. I will NEVER be anyone's fall back plan. I have plenty of self respect. I also know a good thing when I see it or have it. Like you said, they betrayed me. He left our marriage. What is so wrong about fighting for what I want and what was mine to begin with? If this is all karma for what happened to me wouldn't that make me more in my rights to say something to him? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Bluedress, many couples divorced, remarried, only to have later marriage/s end and remarry their first spouse. So I see this as a possibility for you. Yet this is not the time for his wife is not deceased. His wife may not even be terminal. I assume there is no contact between you and your XH and that should be kept that way. One thing to bump into the XH at a grocery store and say a quick hello how are you. However not appropriate to do want you want at this time. If there is passes on then after the she does is the time to reach out with an offer of support. If that is accepted then you need to see where things are and re-evaluate to date your XH. I sympathize with you but you are trying to put the cart in front of the horse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I want him to know he can see me that way. That's what I'm trying to say. I just want to know how to bring it up. I'm not friends with her and don't really want to be. I don't want to see him go through this alone and I'd like her to know I'll step in for her. You claim you are not over the Affair he had with her so put yourself in her shoes. You know what's worse than an affair? An affair with someone who's spouse is dying. You claim he is a good person, so it's likely that if you did approach him with this he would turn and run. Your viewpoint on this is scary, it shows that there are women who would go after a man when he is struggling this way and his spouse is in the worst place in her life. This is sad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Dear lady, he moved on, so should you. He left you for a friend, she was no friend then and she is no friend now. You need to leave them both in your past where they belong, the cheater and the home wrecker have each other. Don't throw yourself at him and please get yourself some counselling help to deal with what they both did to you. My fear is you'll do nothing and become one of those ladies with a lot of cats. She stole your husband don't let her steal your life too. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 OMG! Are you my H's ExOW here just to f**k with me?? I'm triggering like crazy! What on earth makes you think that at this time in her life she wants another woman (particularly YOU) stepping in & helping take her husband & children from her? Believe me, please! when you're truly sick all you want is to feel loved, cherished, safe & secure. Any OW brings nothing but agony. You should know this! As a BW I understand your bitterness. Yes! This is the cruelest thing you could do. Way to stick it to her!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 How does this impact you? Why should you be allowed into their lives? If he gets FMLA then I get reduced child support and no alimony. So if he does go on FMLA then I can mention that. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 If he gets FMLA then I get reduced child support and no alimony. So if he does go on FMLA then I can mention that. This doesn't give you say so. If you were really so concerned about him, you would be understanding about less cash for a small bit. But this is about you trying to get even. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 I'm not trying to get even and I don't care about the money. I just want him to know I'm here. I don't want to hurt anybody. If she gets hurt I can't help that and I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I just want to make sure he knows where I stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 My husband went on FMLA...and he got his regular paycheck....i guess maybe it varies company to company? My question would be....the only way his child support would be reduced...(of course you never mentioned any children before now.....) would be if he took you to court to get it reduced. I don't see that happening. I think you are grasping at straws to validate your compulsion to contact your ex husband who DUMPED you. Leave it alone. Just stop..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 My husband and I were married for 4 years. He had an affair with a family friend and eventually left me for her. Well they sound like truly awful people. Why would you even want to speak to them again? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 He would only get 60% of his pay on FMLA because he's not using his vacation time first. Our agreement says he wouldn't have to pay alimony and child support is lowered if he's not collecting his full income. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 He's not an awful person. He isn't a serial cheater and he hadn't cheated on her. This was a one-time thing. He is a good man and a good father. He's a good husband too. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 If you wish to help the couple, do it as a good Samaritan and without malice. Somehow you have gotten over the jealousy and hate for you BH. I believe that is somehow a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 This might just be the wierdest, most inappropriate scheme I've seen on LS, and there have been some doozies. It's extremely presumptuous for you to think he has any interest in you at all, much less that he'd consider you for a surrogate or a booty call while his wife is sick. After this many posts saying essentially the same thing, how is it that you remain utterly clueless? The Donald is going to need a running mate next year; maybe you should let him know you're available. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Honey, no. Just no. He does not need your support. He has his family, her family, and his friends for support. You aren't needed. If you were, he would have reached out to you. You really need to let this go. Reaching out at this time will make you look very bad. I won't be rude and tell you to get a life, but I would suggest you go to therapy and talk this out, especially if you haven't gotten over the affair. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 OP: what you are doing is triple wrong and let me explain why. I'm not questioning you intentions at all I would give the benefit of the doubt that you really want to help him and win him back which I have no problem with but Wrong 1: she is dying and you present yourself as the replacement that would take her place and " take care" of her H and kids wow. Look at it one more time if she is ill she needs all the support to fight her illness and what you want to do is the opposit. Im afraid deep inside you you are seeking revenge more than anything else. I know she hurt you but that doesn't give you the right to destroy her. Wrong 2: if he is a decent human being he will reject your offer and shut you off for the reasons I noted above. But he is a selfish moron a$$h00l he might take your offer then think about it again why would you want to be with him in this case. I believe he loves her not you because when MM get involved in an A they don't give up on their marriage as quickly as he did. Wrong 3: you lack something in your life that makes you see him as the only man you can be with. I'm all for forgiveness and second chances but not this way it has to be mutual. You need to improve your self confidence that should be your priority. Again I'm assuming that you are good person who doesn't mean any harm and just want her ex back if that,s the case leave them alone. The only way you would step in if you are seeking revenge Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I have plenty of self respect. I also know a good thing when I see it or have it. Like you said, they betrayed me. He left our marriage. What is so wrong about fighting for what I want and what was mine to begin with? If this is all karma for what happened to me wouldn't that make me more in my rights to say something to him? If he was so good, he wouldn't have cheated on you and divorced you. You fought for the marriage back then and you 'lost '. The 'fight' is over. It was over when he left you. You said they just got married 6 months ago.....I'm thinking that's because they knew she was terminal. Her dying wish.....but regardless who cares. Your husband and friend had an affair behind your back and you want to replace her when she's dead. This isn't self respect at all. Where's your pride? Your vows meant NOTHING to him. He has sex with her behind your back. Screw them.....good riddance....get some therapy to navigate through this. Desperation is a horrible trait in a woman. You might as well lie down and get kicked being this desperate. Link to post Share on other sites
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