Should I or Shouldn't I?

[HurtOfGlass]

If I may add....

 

I think this lady also has a secret plan beneath this plan. First part of her plan is to lure her exH in his vulnerable moment by showing she cares about his well being. We all have read it here.

 

The second part of her plan I think is, once lured back in, she means to cheat on her exH to put him through the pain that he once put her through.

 

Why I think of this? She claims she is not over the affair and hasn't moved on (after 6 years). That means she still wants her pound of flesh.

 

Am I correct Blue Dress?

[TaraMaiden2]

Whatever her motives, they are far from honourable, altruistic or without agenda.

 

in fact, ultimately their purpose is to be self-serving.

She doesn't give a damn about her Ex's new wife. She says as much.

 

What she really wants is to get back what she considers to be rightfully hers.

But what she doesn't 'get' is that he's not hers any more.

In fact, by virtue of the fact that he chose someone else, he was never really hers at all.

[No Limit]

Look, your intentions are far from nice and you know it. Besides, there's nothing for you to gain at all here - why lower yourself to the everlasting second choice? You've said it yourself, you never got over the affair. Find help, there's no shame in it - but don't get drowned in your ex's and his mistress' drama.

[TaraMaiden2]

I have plenty of self respect. I also know a good thing when I see it or have it.

 

Trouble is, you can see it - but you DON'T have it. It's not yours to have.

 

Like you said, they betrayed me. He left our marriage. What is so wrong about fighting for what I want and what was mine to begin with?

So you're not doing this out of care, consideration, empathy, love or friendship?

You're doing it to get your own back?

People who joust windmills rarely achieve their objective.

 

If this is all karma for what happened to me wouldn't that make me more in my rights to say something to him?

Karma has nothing to do with it.

Karma is not judgemental, it is not retribution, come-uppance, revenge or payback. It's simply something that happens. It's Action with consequence, but the only 'good' or 'bad' is in the perception of the person who observes the experience.

 

You have no rights.

Those rights ended at your divorce.

Decree Absolute, they call it.

Because it absolutely decrees an end to any involvement, responsibility or committal to one another.

 

You have about as much right to do this, as I would have.

[troubadour]

Are you just desperate

 

 

Yes, she is.

[S2B]

So our past together means nothing? I'm supposed to just leave him alone and just let him deal with this by himself? No support, no shoulder, no nothing?

 

That's right.

 

He isn't asking for support from you.

[Dancewithme]

Blue dress, Your exH leaving you for your ex friend had to be the worst kind of betrayal and humiliation. The fact that he didn't even try to R, he just did whatever he had to do to leave, quickly. We get it. Ouch.

 

I don't know what kind of R you're in, or what you've had since the breakup of your marriage 6 years ago, but it doesn't sound like any Rs to speak of.

 

You are stuck, and haven't healed. You know it. This scheme of yours is a very passive aggressive, thinly veiled form of revenge. Ha Ha exOW, you're gone, I still win in the end. I still get the prize.

 

Please listen to the advice offered to you on this forum. Get yourself into counseling, pronto! When your ExH had the A, and then left you to play happy family with the OW, he lost the privilege to be in your head. Let professionals help you get rid of him. Work on being the best you, for yourself, so you can be in a R with someone who deserves you.

[goodyblue]

Blue dress, you give yourself too much importance. They do not think about you except in the capacity of whatever you need to do regarding the shared children.

 

He loves his wife. They have made the decision to create a family circle and you are not in it. You don't even cross their minds.

 

Look, I was OW once and my h left his wife and we are married. If I got sick and she tried to step in he would laugh in her face. He has ZERO feelings for her and she is like you...if he asked her to take him back she would. She is not over it and the only thing we feel for her is pity. We avoid her, don't go anyplace she may be, don't answer emails or phone calls. We want nothing to do with her. I would wager they feel the same. Your EX made a conscious choice to leave you. To create a life with someone else. You need to accept that. Seriously. Do it for yourself because you deserve love too. You won't find it with him.

Edited September 30, 2015 by goodyblue

[Artie Lang]

even after all that's happened, you'd still be willing to do this? you have some serious detachment issues.

 

 

do you realize how WACKO this sounds?

[fellini]

Okay, let's just go with the idea that you do want him to know you are there for him.

 

What you really mean is you want him back in your life.

 

My guess is that if you are going to get him back in your life, you need to stay out of it until his actual spouse has passed and he has had time to grieve.

 

It's not like he has a line up of woman waiting for her to pass so that they can grab him. What is your hurry?

 

Don't you think your position will fair much better if you allow these two their intimacy and privacy and you wait until he is back on his feet. Then, fair game, you give him a shot. If he wants you back because he knows your past, that's his decision.

 

But trying to get your eggs hatched too soon seems counter productive to me IF as morbid as your idea here seems. You want him, you have to wait.

 

You might have to wait 6 months or a year. He doesn't need to know you are there, he already knows you are still walking the planet. Let him come to you, IMO.

[autumnnight]

So there's no way I can even bring this up to him? It all impacts me too. I should be able to say something about it.

 

Can you not SEE in what horrific taste this is???

 

If you want him that much, then at least let the dirt settle on her grave before you put yourself out there.

 

Don't bring this up now. I can't believe you are even entertaining this right in the middle of everything.

 

I have to wonder....what were you like when you two were married if you think saying "I'm available when she kicks it baby" is in any way kosher right now.

[turnera]

It's for him too. He does have her family and they're really involved, isn't the same as me. They aren't even his family and they can't give the same support I can. Who says they'll be around in the long run? At some point he'll have to move on and I don't see the harm in letting him know I'm here for him. I'm not actively trying for an affair exactly, but I don't think I would stop it if it happened, but I do want to lay the groundwork so that he knows I'm there for him and I'm willing to step in.

Wow. Do you even HEAR yourself? This is disgusting!

 

I'm no fan of cheating, but good grief - the woman is sick; maybe horribly so.

 

And you're like 'so what? maybe she'll kick the bucket so I can scoop him back up!'

[Mrs. John Adams]

I cannot believe we are still even having this conversation. This scenario is so wrong on so many levels.

 

It truly makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I felt sorry for you when i first started reading your first post....your terrible husband and your terrible friend...cheated on you. You poor thing....what they did is horrible.

 

and then you added the rest of the story....and in my opinion...you are now on the same level that they were on when they hurt you.

 

Just get on with your life...raise your children....forget about the both of them...and get some help to sort out your feelings...because "normal" people are not only offended by what you want to do....they are sickened by it.

[Darren Steez]

I'm not desperate and I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I think it would just help him to have some support from somebody who loves him. All he has is her and her family and the kids. I think if she's really that sick, knowing that I'd be willing to step in and help him and care for all the kids would make her feel better too.

 

I'm not some ghoul but if she's really that sick then there's a lot of extra stress on his plate and he has to shoulder a lot. There is a lot she's not doing. What is the harm in letting him know I'm here for him and willing to pick up the pieces?

 

Hahaha so here, you're partner is dying, let me give you a shoulder to cry on...but if you kiss me I will let you..in a heartbeat...but there there cry on my shoulder..

[BlueDress]

I get it. You all think this is a big joke. It's not a joke to me and I want tone there for him. I'm not thinking of telling him to come back if she does. I'm just hoping that I can let him know I'm here for him and if that leads to him coming back then the more the better.

[nightmare01]

Why would you ever want to lower yourself to their level? IMO you're just wanting some revenge on the OW.

 

Let the past stay in the past. Your WH has shown you who he is, knowing that, why would you ever want to go near him again?

 

No you should not do this. It's stupid, wrong, and morally corrupt. It will also end up hurting you much more than it will the OW (if revenge is what you're after).

[truncated]

If you do this, you will be no better than either one of them. you will have sunk down to their level.

 

Is that really who you are?

[ShatteredLady]

Do YOU have any children? Do you have children with your ex or are we talking about kids from his previous relationship (before you) or do they have children together? Are they just her kids & your ex is the step-father?

 

How many children? What age?

[sweet_pea]

Really though. OP, don't do it. If you try this, you'll be just as bad as she is. Don't lower yourself to their level.

[Lion Heart]

Hi BlueDress

 

I think you have tinges of caring and empathy for their situation, this may be so, but any of these are eradicated completely when it's all done for personal gain. You are hoping, and I would say utterly in vain, to have a man deeply in love with his wife LOOK at you at all? In addition the object of his affection and devotion is dying?

 

THIS IS THE worst possible time to burst in to their scene.

 

If they have not contacted YOU at all its because they don't want you in their lives. Don't assume they do! It's your idea and not theirs. Don't be rude by interrupting this precious time they have. They do not want you around. They certainly do not want you offering help or they would have asked.

 

I feel sorry this man left your marriage after his affair. It's horrible and devastating. But he left. He's gone.

 

The very, absolute MOST I would do if I felt so deeply in love with this man after all this time is to send a Sympathy Card after the demise. And tbh I don't think I'd even do THAT! Even this could appear creepy. Like you've kept tabs on progress which you're doing. I'd move states if I were you. Ask anyone who knows the couple NOT to discuss them at all with you. This is what I do (not the move necessarily but the sit down talk with friends and rellies) and I do this in every instance. Cut off all contact AND make it near impossible for them to find me. Believe me! They make it back with concerted effort even with no listed numbers of mine and I tell you now I even use different names!

 

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you if no one else has but he probably HAS NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER to ever go back to you. Ever.

 

Hasn't this ^^^^ crossed your mind???

 

You do need to read the No Contact Guide.

IC will truly benefit you and don't stop till you "get it".

Leave this married couple alone.

 

It's beyond time to work on yourself and do everything in your power to put him in your past. You're way back in his past on all levels if you are not friends with either of them.

 

Sorry to be so blunt to a betrayed spouse. I am. But the way you're driving these thoughts of yours, you are heading for more heartbreak, more confusion, a not so nice appearance of your nature and at the very least embarrassment and humiliation. Don't go there.

 

Lion Heart.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not desperate and I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I think it would just help him to have some support from somebody who loves him. All he has is her and her family and the kids. I think if she's really that sick, knowing that I'd be willing to step in and help him and care for all the kids would make her feel better too.

 

I'm not some ghoul but if she's really that sick then there's a lot of extra stress on his plate and he has to shoulder a lot. There is a lot she's not doing. What is the harm in letting him know I'm here for him and willing to pick up the pieces?

[CarrieT]

Five pages of people telling you what a horrible thing it is and the OP is still trying to rationalize it?

 

Unbelievable... :rolleyes:

[Mr. Lucky]

I have a good friend whose wife passed away 4 1/2 years ago. He's only now entertaining the thought of dating and that's due mostly to pressure from his kids and the thought his wife would want him to be happy.

 

Were she to pass away, what makes you think this "good man" would be so quick to jump into your - or anyone else's - arms?

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaraMaiden2]

Five pages of people telling you what a horrible thing it is and the OP is still trying to rationalize it?

 

Unbelievable... :rolleyes:

 

It's my opinion there's a certain amount of chain-yanking here.

Either that, or the OP is so deeply immersed in her own fug and obsession, that all reason and rationale sounds like Klingon to her.

 

"Hu'tehg Baktag!!"

[fellini]

"I'

m

sorry to be the one to tell you if no one else has but he probably HAS NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER to ever go back to you. Ever."

 

I think on the one hand people are dead on to counsel OP not to enter into the private lives of her ex and his supposedly dying APw.

 

But I cannot see how anyone can be so sure that he wants nothing more to do with her after he loses his AP cum Wife.

 

I cannot see how you can believe he is above all that when he has shown no hesitation to enter into one relationship before ending another, to instantly marry a second time as he was walking out the door of the first.

 

We know ZERO about this man other than he cheated, got to a point where he knew he was a) in love and b) able to marry his AP, and did so.

 

He might be just shallow enough to come right back to a place where he already knows he is welcome. Maybe he is just a lazy SOB who hasn't the energy or wherewithall to actually do the work finding a life partner.

 

Maybe he is the kind of guy who refuses ever to be "alone" and moves from relationship to relationship.

 

And nothing in OP's posts suggests she cares ANYTHING about how this looks on her. She seems to want the same.

 

So I really do not think anyone here has anything to go on to tell her she doesn't have a shot at getting him back. I'd say she has more than NOTHING.

 

The real issue is when is the right moment to put that on the table.

[road]

"I'

m

sorry to be the one to tell you if no one else has but he probably HAS NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER to ever go back to you. Ever."

I think on the one hand people are dead on to counsel OP not to enter into the private lives of her ex and his supposedly dying APw.

 

But I cannot see how anyone can be so sure that he wants nothing more to do with her after he loses his AP cum Wife.

 

I cannot see how you can believe he is above all that when he has shown no hesitation to enter into one relationship before ending another, to instantly marry a second time as he was walking out the door of the first.

 

We know ZERO about this man other than he cheated, got to a point where he knew he was a) in love and b) able to marry his AP, and did so.

 

He might be just shallow enough to come right back to a place where he already knows he is welcome. Maybe he is just a lazy SOB who hasn't the energy or wherewithall to actually do the work finding a life partner.

 

Maybe he is the kind of guy who refuses ever to be "alone" and moves from relationship to relationship.

 

And nothing in OP's posts suggests she cares ANYTHING about how this looks on her. She seems to want the same.

 

So I really do not think anyone here has anything to go on to tell her she doesn't have a shot at getting him back. I'd say she has more than NOTHING.

 

The real issue is when is the right moment to put that on the table.

 

The right moment is when the current OW/AP/wife has passed and the day of the funeral has passed as well.