Should I or Shouldn't I?

[underpants]

lol...keep on keeping on.

[anika99]

I don't really have much to say that hasn't already been said. Just want to add my voice to the others telling you this is a sick twisted plan. It sounds downright psycho. Besides wanting to offer up yourself to him you have mentioned several times that you also want to approach his wife and her family to tell them you will step in and take care of her kids and her husband. O.M.G. Do you honestly think that offer is going to be well received by his wife and her family? You are out of touch with reality girl.

 

Quick story. Several years a great love of my life died of a terminal illness. It happened very fast and I was in great pain. I greatly needed all the support I could get. However, if one of my exes had approached me at that time to offer his services to me I would have been sickened and disgusted. If that same ex had gone to my dying love and his family to tell them he was going to step in to take care of me, I would have lost my sh@t altogether. I would have told everyone involved to keep that freak far away from me and my dying loved one. If your ex is actually the good man you say he is, he will be sickened by your offer.

 

I don't know if your husband is actually a good man or not. I know he betrayed you and hurt you in a most horrible way and for that you have my utmost sympathy. You need counselling woman. You have not processed the great wrong done to you and it's making you a bit crazy. I'm not trying to be mean or belittle you. I really believe you were hurt terribly and that you need some professional help in moving on. There is no shame in that. I have gone to counselling to help me deal with trauma in my life and it really does help. Please consider it.

[BlueDress]

I know everybody thinks I'm some lunatic and really I'm ok with that. You don't know me or where I'm coming from and I'm just trying to be honest about the situation. I love him and I'd like to get back to where he can try to love me too. I don't see making me a second choice. I was his first choice and she was his second. He married me first and it didn't take an affair or years of dating for him to do it either. We dated like a normal couple, he proposed after a year and we were married a few months after that. She can't say that.

 

I don't see what's happening to them as an opportunity to cheat but I do know myself. If it did turn into that I know I wouldn't say no. I bet most people when given the chance to reconnect with the person they love wouldn't pass it up either. I'm not walking up to either of them and saying she should step aside and let me take over. I'm only wanting to say I'm here and willing to take care of him and the kids. Isn't that something that has to be planned for in situations like this?

 

Yes, eventually if like to get back together. Naturally I want it sooner than later but that doesn't mean I'm pushing her off a cliff on my way to church to get married. I'm trying to be realistic here. I'm willing to wait but I'd rather he know I'm here for him instead of him thinking I'm not. I guess I'm feeling a sense of urgency because his FMLA starts today and I won't see him so much. There's a school event today that I'm positive he'll be there for and it is kind of a do or die moment. After the event this morning and pickup this afternoon I'm not sure when I'll see him again. I don't want to miss my only chance to plant that seed.

[turnera]

Let's break down the above and look at it from another POV, possibly even your exH's POV.

 

Could it be he wanted to get away from you so bad that he latched onto the this woman? From what you are telling us, he never once thought about reconciling with you, never. Makes me wonder how bad being married to you must have been, that he bailed-out so decisively?

 

You must consider the possibility that he still feels the same way about you even now.

That's what I've been thinking. You talk like YOUR marriage was the great one, but many first marriages are mistakes, and then you grow up and realize it (or find out you married a weird person), and seek out someone who's a better match. The way he did it is wrong, but maybe he just needed/wanted to be away from YOU.

[goodyblue]

That's what I've been thinking. You talk like YOUR marriage was the great one, but many first marriages are mistakes, and then you grow up and realize it (or find out you married a weird person), and seek out someone who's a better match. The way he did it is wrong, but maybe he just needed/wanted to be away from YOU.

 

While this is true of my h and his ex, I don't think it is fair to foist that on OP. She has enough to deal with where her feelings are concerned.

[HappyAgain2014]

Here's a thought....

 

So the wife dies and you get your ex back. Do you really want to lay in bed with him every night knowing he'd still be with his wife if she hadn't died?

 

You can't compete with a dead woman. She will be even more perfect to him then.

 

I don't really care as much about your ex. He's a grown man. You are the worst person to be around his wife's children.

 

Stop being selfish. If you actually propose anything involving you and him to your ex, I'd expect him to lose any respect he may have had for you.

[autumnnight]

I'm not planning on taking over her life even though she really took over mine. Its really an unfair comparison to make. He is a decent guy and he's been great to me , her, my family, the kids, everybody really. He's not cheating on her, there's just no way. I don't think he's change on me either. I've changed a lot too and he's not a guy with the wandering eye. I think we could have a real shot. I'm looking at his actions and how he treats me and her and he really just does the right thing. The affair was just a fluke.

 

When I see him and what they're going through and it must bring her some peace to know if something happens I'll be there. She knows me and she'll know where the kids will go, who's on their lives. No changing schools and they'd still be close to her family. Who wants to die worried about their kids or their husband?

 

I don't think I'm outside of the box for wanting to discuss this with him or her.

 

Trust me, this is outside of any sane box I have ever heard of....

[autumnnight]

I know everybody thinks I'm some lunatic and really I'm ok with that. You don't know me or where I'm coming from and I'm just trying to be honest about the situation. I love him and I'd like to get back to where he can try to love me too. I don't see making me a second choice. I was his first choice and she was his second. He married me first and it didn't take an affair or years of dating for him to do it either. We dated like a normal couple, he proposed after a year and we were married a few months after that. She can't say that.

 

I don't see what's happening to them as an opportunity to cheat but I do know myself. If it did turn into that I know I wouldn't say no. I bet most people when given the chance to reconnect with the person they love wouldn't pass it up either. I'm not walking up to either of them and saying she should step aside and let me take over. I'm only wanting to say I'm here and willing to take care of him and the kids. Isn't that something that has to be planned for in situations like this?

 

Yes, eventually if like to get back together. Naturally I want it sooner than later but that doesn't mean I'm pushing her off a cliff on my way to church to get married. I'm trying to be realistic here. I'm willing to wait but I'd rather he know I'm here for him instead of him thinking I'm not. I guess I'm feeling a sense of urgency because his FMLA starts today and I won't see him so much. There's a school event today that I'm positive he'll be there for and it is kind of a do or die moment. After the event this morning and pickup this afternoon I'm not sure when I'll see him again. I don't want to miss my only chance to plant that seed.

 

 

Honestly, I can sympathize with your desire to be back with your ex if you still love him.

 

Here is where it gets....off the rails:

 

1. Thinking it is ok in any form to discuss this with him or her WHILE she is dying

 

2. Offering yourself before she is even gone

 

3. Actually saying any of it out loud

 

Look, it is fine to let them know you are thinking of them when you see them for kid drop off or whatever

 

And when she passes, it would be appropriate to send flowers and a card

 

And after a time, to reach out as a friend would even be appropriate.

 

Most people would reach out in friendship and just let things develop if that was what was going to happen.

 

Most people would not entertain the idea of saying: Hey, now that she's gone, I'm available, babe

 

THAT is the part that is, quite frankly, screwy.

 

It honestly feels like I am watching an episode of sister wives or something.

[anika99]

I know everybody thinks I'm some lunatic and really I'm ok with that. You don't know me or where I'm coming from and I'm just trying to be honest about the situation. I love him and I'd like to get back to where he can try to love me too. I don't see making me a second choice. I was his first choice and she was his second. He married me first and it didn't take an affair or years of dating for him to do it either. We dated like a normal couple, he proposed after a year and we were married a few months after that. She can't say that.

 

I don't see what's happening to them as an opportunity to cheat but I do know myself. If it did turn into that I know I wouldn't say no. I bet most people when given the chance to reconnect with the person they love wouldn't pass it up either. I'm not walking up to either of them and saying she should step aside and let me take over. I'm only wanting to say I'm here and willing to take care of him and the kids. Isn't that something that has to be planned for in situations like this?

 

Yes, eventually if like to get back together. Naturally I want it sooner than later but that doesn't mean I'm pushing her off a cliff on my way to church to get married. I'm trying to be realistic here. I'm willing to wait but I'd rather he know I'm here for him instead of him thinking I'm not. I guess I'm feeling a sense of urgency because his FMLA starts today and I won't see him so much. There's a school event today that I'm positive he'll be there for and it is kind of a do or die moment. After the event this morning and pickup this afternoon I'm not sure when I'll see him again. I don't want to miss my only chance to plant that seed.

 

Okay BD. Do what you want. Sounds like your mind is made up anyways. I think the posters here just want to save you from looking like a nut but in truth all that matters is how your ex perceives your offer. So go ahead and tell him you want to be there for him and let him decide how he feels about that. I don't think he will be interested but even if he was it has disaster written all over as one day he will decide you took advantage of a painful time in his life and then he will leave you again.

[autumnnight]

OP, have fun winning back your husband. I do not possess the necessary intelligence to participate further

[Mrs. John Adams]

Blue dress...I have a question for you....

Why did you come here to ask our opinions

When you already have your mind made up that this is exactly what you are going to do?

 

You have 100% against this idea.....and you have not listened to one word.

 

You go ahead and make a play for your ex husband....I hope you are prepared for his response.

 

This idea you have that his new wife will die in peace knowing you will be there to care for them...do you think your husband painted a beautiful picture of you to his wife? You are the enemy.....he has told her your ugliest parts.....

Trust me...she does not have a good opinion of you. She would probably turn over in her grave at the very thought of you touching anything that belongs to her.

 

I can't wait till he tells her your plan..hell I would buy tickets to see this show.

 

I hope you have enjoyed yourself......because I cannot imagine anyone in their right mind could even come up with this scenario....maybe that's why he dumped you because you must be nuts to even consider this.

 

I will admit though..it has been kindof entertaining....like watching a horror movie.

[truncated]

op,

I can understand where you are coming from, but the timing is all wrong.

 

He will need time to grieve his loss, and the more you try and involve yourself in that, the worse any chance you have of permanently getting back with him will be.

 

It always strikes me as poor behavior when a man or a woman just happens to be on hand to provide "comfort" to a married person going through a crisis, be it an emotional one or , like the man in your situtaion, something more substantial.

 

Give hi some time. If he turns to you on his own, provide sympathy and a listening ear, but that's it, and don't go looking for that. If he asks for more, tell him he needs time to grieve , and if, after that, he is still interested in a relationship with you, he can let you know.

 

You don't want to be an ow.

[MrBojangles]

Blue dress...I have a question for you....

Why did you come here to ask our opinions

When you already have your mind made up that this is exactly what you are going to do?

 

You have 100% against this idea.....and you have not listened to one word.

 

You go ahead and make a play for your ex husband....I hope you are prepared for his response.

 

This idea you have that his new wife will die in peace knowing you will be there to care for them...do you think your husband painted a beautiful picture of you to his wife? You are the enemy.....he has told her your ugliest parts.....

Trust me...she does not have a good opinion of you. She would probably turn over in her grave at the very thought of you touching anything that belongs to her.

 

I can't wait till he tells her your plan..hell I would buy tickets to see this show.

 

I hope you have enjoyed yourself......because I cannot imagine anyone in their right mind could even come up with this scenario....maybe that's why he dumped you because you must be nuts to even consider this.

 

I will admit though..it has been kindof entertaining....like watching a horror movie.

 

 

Exactly, a cheesy horror movie at that! I can't get the fact out of my head that the OP would expect her exH to react positively to her dreams of a rekindled romance right now.

 

Have a heart, place yourself in his terminally ill wife's position, and ask yourself how the whole situation would feel if the tables were turned..

[m4p]

Funny, I am an English major, took Latin, have 2 graduate degrees, and am a published author, and while I know very well what Cum Laude means, I have never ever read "cum" used is some sort of linking word.

 

I'm not sure why that makes some sort of idiot. All I did was point out that if it was being used in the crass way, it was a poor way to refer to a dying woman.

 

Then again, there was this poster I knew on another forum who, when all else failed, corrected people's English as a last resort.

 

Sheesh... Cum down man. (Lol)

 

You asked so people answered and you were really quite unexpectedly outraged..

 

Unfortunately I am not an English major or published author so maybe I am in no position to educate anyone but hey, at least you learnt something right?

 

There are more pressing issues I guess, like this train wreck story by OP that we are still reading after 9 pages.......

[turnera]

The real question here is why has she not moved on yet? After six years!

[autumnnight]

The real question here is why has she not moved on yet? After six years!

 

Sadly, there could be lots of reasons for this. Depending on religion, there are churches that encourage the abandoned spouse to keep hope alive forever. There are churches who would consider her an adulteress if she ever remarried. There are marriage books and plans out there that encourage a BS to "stand" indefinitely while the WS goes on about their lives.

 

There's also obsession and denial, but sadly, there can be more than one reason people hang on.

[m.snow]

Sometimes happens when the wayward spouse leaves the betrayed in a very favorable position.

 

There is a few cases like these on the forums.

 

WS leaves everything behind house,cars,money and everything else.

 

hurt of the BS is somehow lessened.

 

BS continues to pursue WS.

 

there was this one WW who cheated on her BH just approach 2nd year of marriage. they D but WW left BH everything. WW took nothing except the clothes on her back.

 

BH continues to pursue WW till this day.

[truncated]

Sometimes happens when the wayward spouse leaves the betrayed in a very favorable position.

 

There is a few cases like these on the forums.

 

WS leaves everything behind house,cars,money and everything else.

 

hurt of the BS is somehow lessened.

 

BS continues to pursue WS.

 

there was this one WW who cheated on her BH just approach 2nd year of marriage. they D but WW left BH everything. WW took nothing except the clothes on her back.

 

BH continues to pursue WW till this day.

 

It's not the "stuff" that matters.

 

I think that in this case, it was her h and the ow was someone she knew. It can be really painful to come to terms with the fact that the person you love can act badly and hurt you so much, and it's a double blow when the ow is someone you know and who knows you mare married.

 

It can be easier to feel like someone was caught up in something the couldn't control and they didn't have choices.That way, you don't have to admit to yourself that your love and friendship were wasted on two people who was acting like creeps and who really didn't care enough not even try not to hurt them.

 

Her ex and his ow ( how wife) didn't get together by accident, there wasn't some sort of cosmic pull they couldn't deny..they chose to be together and feed the relationship.

[BlueDress]

It's not that I'm not listening to what you guys are saying, it's just that I feel like a lot of you are answering a question I didn't ask. I asked how I should approach it. I feel like the focus is me having to prove I'm not a lunatic instead of really being heard. I've got more people saying I'm crazy and he's a jerk that I shouldn't actually want than are hearing me say that he's not, he cheateED but he's not a cheatER, and not taking at face value that I know what I want and what makes me happy. I did try to date, I did have relationships, none of them even came close to what a relationship was like with him. He was and is a good guy. He treated me well other than the affair and he treats her wonderfully too. I don't understand why I have to defend what I want when all I'm asking is how I should go about it.

 

I did end up seeing him today and she wasn't there. Weird because she usually does events like this but not really I guess if she's that sick. I didn't say much on the way to school because of the kids of course but walking back I knew we had a lot of time to talk semi-privately. I said I heard he was doing FMLA and asked if everything was ok and he danced around the subject. I asked if it was his family or the kids and he said no, no. I asked him if it was her and he just said yes. I asked what was going on and again he just totally avoided it. I asked how long he was FMLA and he said he didn't know. "For awhile I guess. I don't know." He was being so secretive that the only thing I could think to ask him was about child support and alimony which I shouldn't have but I didn't know what to say. It only made problems for me. He said they had enough in savings that he'd pay full child support for 8 weeks but alimony he could pay in full for two weeks, half for two weeks, then none. The court order says he doesn't have to pay alimony at all if his income is cut or he is doing FMLA so I guess that isn't bad. He wanted to give me time to adjust he said before stopping it all together, so that means finding a job. Four weeks isn't a lot of time so maybe it's something to bring up later.

 

When we got to where we split off and went different ways I just got flustered and put my cards on the table. I had to grab his arms and turn him to look at me because just kept walking and looking forward, giving me these one sentence answers. I said I had heard his wife was sick and it was bad and I asked how bad. He wouldn't answer but I could see he was trying not to cry. I said that I guessed that means things are bad. I spilled my soul to him and told him I was here for him and if he needed help or someone to talk to that I was here. Name a time and a place and I'd be there. He said thanks and he was fine, but he was crying rivers at this point. I said he wasn't fine and he was lying because if he was fine, he wouldn't be in tears. I asked him to open up to me but he just said he was fine, turned and ran, jogged away. I followed him a little and yelled after him, he just kept going. I saw he went into a local breakfast place, their place, and in the window I saw he was at a table with a woman, I didn't see who she was. Not his wife though. I was going to go in and confront him but I let it go. I'll try again when we get the kids or text him later.

 

I don't know what to make of it. He was clearly upset and needs somebody. But who was the woman at the restaurant? I only saw her back and I have no idea who she was at all. I just don't know what to do for him at this point.

[goodyblue]

It's not that I'm not listening to what you guys are saying, it's just that I feel like a lot of you are answering a question I didn't ask. I asked how I should approach it. I feel like the focus is me having to prove I'm not a lunatic instead of really being heard. I've got more people saying I'm crazy and he's a jerk that I shouldn't actually want than are hearing me say that he's not, he cheateED but he's not a cheatER, and not taking at face value that I know what I want and what makes me happy. I did try to date, I did have relationships, none of them even came close to what a relationship was like with him. He was and is a good guy. He treated me well other than the affair and he treats her wonderfully too. I don't understand why I have to defend what I want when all I'm asking is how I should go about it.

 

I did end up seeing him today and she wasn't there. Weird because she usually does events like this but not really I guess if she's that sick. I didn't say much on the way to school because of the kids of course but walking back I knew we had a lot of time to talk semi-privately. I said I heard he was doing FMLA and asked if everything was ok and he danced around the subject. I asked if it was his family or the kids and he said no, no. I asked him if it was her and he just said yes. I asked what was going on and again he just totally avoided it. I asked how long he was FMLA and he said he didn't know. "For awhile I guess. I don't know." He was being so secretive that the only thing I could think to ask him was about child support and alimony which I shouldn't have but I didn't know what to say. It only made problems for me. He said they had enough in savings that he'd pay full child support for 8 weeks but alimony he could pay in full for two weeks, half for two weeks, then none. The court order says he doesn't have to pay alimony at all if his income is cut or he is doing FMLA so I guess that isn't bad. He wanted to give me time to adjust he said before stopping it all together, so that means finding a job. Four weeks isn't a lot of time so maybe it's something to bring up later.

 

When we got to where we split off and went different ways I just got flustered and put my cards on the table. I had to grab his arms and turn him to look at me because just kept walking and looking forward, giving me these one sentence answers. I said I had heard his wife was sick and it was bad and I asked how bad. He wouldn't answer but I could see he was trying not to cry. I said that I guessed that means things are bad. I spilled my soul to him and told him I was here for him and if he needed help or someone to talk to that I was here. Name a time and a place and I'd be there. He said thanks and he was fine, but he was crying rivers at this point. I said he wasn't fine and he was lying because if he was fine, he wouldn't be in tears. I asked him to open up to me but he just said he was fine, turned and ran, jogged away. I followed him a little and yelled after him, he just kept going. I saw he went into a local breakfast place, their place, and in the window I saw he was at a table with a woman, I didn't see who she was. Not his wife though. I was going to go in and confront him but I let it go. I'll try again when we get the kids or text him later.

 

I don't know what to make of it. He was clearly upset and needs somebody. But who was the woman at the restaurant? I only saw her back and I have no idea who she was at all. I just don't know what to do for him at this point.

 

I am sorry. This sounds like a Movie of the Week. From 1974.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well, BlueDress, there's your answer.

Whatever it is you're offering, he doesn't want it.

You really do need to quit pushing the point.

He ran away from you, not TO you. Literally.

That speaks volumes.

 

Whatever his feelings, his emotions, his opinions on what's happening, he's pushing you away and keeping you beyond arm's length.

He doesn't want - YOU.

 

He went to someone else.

You have no idea who this woman is, and frankly, it's none of your business who she is.

She could be a relative, or a mutual friend of theirs.

Whoever it is, he preferred her company.

Not yours.

You need to face facts:

 

You're not in the picture, and he doesn't want you there.

[turnera]

He said they had enough in savings that he'd pay full child support for 8 weeks but alimony he could pay in full for two weeks, half for two weeks, then none. The court order says he doesn't have to pay alimony at all if his income is cut or he is doing FMLA so I guess that isn't bad. He wanted to give me time to adjust he said before stopping it all together, so that means finding a job. Four weeks isn't a lot of time so maybe it's something to bring up later.

 

Say what? You haven't had a job in six years (or more)? You've been living on HIS money all this time?

[turnera]

It's not that I'm not listening to what you guys are saying, it's just that I feel like a lot of you are answering a question I didn't ask. I asked how I should approach it. I feel like the focus is me having to prove I'm not a lunatic instead of really being heard. I've got more people saying I'm crazy and he's a jerk that I shouldn't actually want than are hearing me say that he's not, he cheateED but he's not a cheatER, and not taking at face value that I know what I want and what makes me happy. I did try to date, I did have relationships, none of them even came close to what a relationship was like with him. He was and is a good guy. He treated me well other than the affair and he treats her wonderfully too. I don't understand why I have to defend what I want when all I'm asking is how I should go about it.

See, that's the beauty of a forum. You come on here, having lived in your fantasy world for the last six years where you wait for him to come knocking, and you think that everyone else lives in your fantasy world. And then you explain your fantasy to all of us, we recoil in horror because it is a HORRIBLE thing to do, and we tell you so. None of us is going to give you advice on how to do a horrible thing. You didn't ask us if it was right or wrong, but it's our job to try to keep you from making the worst mistake of your life. Unfortunately, you had your fingers in your ears, going lalalalala and didn't hear (purposely) what we said, and you went and did it anyway.

 

And he LITERALLY ran away from you. Just like we told you he would. You just ruined any chance of him seeing you as a sane, nice, healthy person.

[BlueDress]

The woman at breakfast was her. I saw her yesterday night picking up the kids. She was wearing the same jacket and hat. That answers that.

 

I feel like there's a lot going unsaid between us. I dont know what to do about it at this point. Maybe I should let it go for now or ask around to see what I can find out. I can always bring it up again when he stops paying alimony. I do work now but not full time. 10 hours a week so I can be there for the kids. He pays about $1,000 in child support and $900 in alimony a month so I didn't really need to work more than that. I guess that's about to change. Hopefully he'll kick in for babysitters.

 

I think I may text him about all of that later and see what else he says. With a vacation coming up I need to know where I stand financially. Or maybe talk to her? I'm not sure. I just feel like there's a lot to tie down here. I'm going to say we need to talk it out but I'm not sure how to make him set aside the time.

 

I don't feel like his not talking to me before was anything but not wanting to talk in public. He was upset and he really does need some support.

[underpants]

Good luck with the money grab.