TaraMaiden2 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 The woman at breakfast was her. I saw her yesterday night picking up the kids. She was wearing the same jacket and hat. That answers that. 'Her' being his wife. The woman he is devoted to, the woman he would rather be with, than you. Ok. Got that. I feel like there's a lot going unsaid between us. You're right. he never said "get lost. I don't want you around me. This is none of your business, I would rather you quit meddling or trying to crowbar your way in under the pretense of affection. Leave me alone!" Yeah, you're right, he left that unsaid. His 'bad'. I dont know what to do about it at this point. Maybe I should let it go for now or ask around to see what I can find out. Jeesh, you sure do like picking at the scab and stirring up trouble don't you? I don't know how much clearer it could be. You are not wanted here, why persist? Oh, hang on, yes, I see now... I can always bring it up again when he stops paying alimony. I do work now but not full time. 10 hours a week so I can be there for the kids. He pays about $1,000 in child support and $900 in alimony a month so I didn't really need to work more than that. I guess that's about to change. Hopefully he'll kick in for babysitters. It's ALL about you, the money and how you are going to have to change your MO. So far you've had it cushy, now things may change and mean you'll have to do more. Ugh, yes, I can see how very inconvenient her being ill and dying could be to you, you poor thing.... I think I may text him about all of that later and see what else he says. Hopefully he will say something abrupt, to the point and final, to the tune of please quit bothering me. or words to that effect. Stronger though.... Hopefully..... With a vacation coming up I need to know where I stand financially. Or maybe talk to her? I'm not sure. I just feel like there's a lot to tie down here. I'm going to say we need to talk it out but I'm not sure how to make him set aside the time. Jeesh, you are one cold, calculating heartless piece of work, you know that? You just want what you think is yours and you don't give a damn about anything or anyone else. I don't feel like his not talking to me before was anything but not wanting to talk in public. He was upset and he really does need some support. I think he knows and sees you for who you really are. I don't think he wants support from you. I don't think he'd ask you for support if he was hanging off a precipice by a fraying rope, even if you were the last person on earth. He didn't want to talk to you - because he had someone miles better waiting for him. The more you persist, the more I can see why he bailed on your marriage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 What would your life look like, if you didn't have an ex with a dying wife to obsess about, like if they didn't exist? Think about it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 The woman at breakfast was her. I saw her yesterday night picking up the kids. She was wearing the same jacket and hat. That answers that. I feel like there's a lot going unsaid between us. I dont know what to do about it at this point. Maybe I should let it go for now or ask around to see what I can find out. I can always bring it up again when he stops paying alimony. I do work now but not full time. 10 hours a week so I can be there for the kids. He pays about $1,000 in child support and $900 in alimony a month so I didn't really need to work more than that. I guess that's about to change. Hopefully he'll kick in for babysitters. I think I may text him about all of that later and see what else he says. With a vacation coming up I need to know where I stand financially. Or maybe talk to her? I'm not sure. I just feel like there's a lot to tie down here. I'm going to say we need to talk it out but I'm not sure how to make him set aside the time. I don't feel like his not talking to me before was anything but not wanting to talk in public. He was upset and he really does need some support. Dear Lord. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 No wonder he left you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 No wonder he left you. I wanted to touch on this. An affair is never right. It is always wrong. But to refuse to look at the bigger picture (like an unstable and disturbing and controlling spouse) is just head in the sand obstinance. Sometimes there is a legitimate reason people are miserable in their marriages and are afraid to leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 It's not that I'm not listening to what you guys are saying, it's just that I feel like a lot of you are answering a question I didn't ask. I asked how I should approach it. NO. The title of your thread is, "Should I or Shouldn't I?" - not, "How should I approach this?" Eight pages of answers advised you that you SHOULD NOT and you did anyway. I don't know what to make of it. He was clearly upset and needs somebody. But who was the woman at the restaurant? I only saw her back and I have no idea who she was at all. I just don't know what to do for him at this point. Personally, I think it was a horrible, cowardly thing to do that has caused more problems for him. Leave him alone. The best thing you can do for him is nothing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Well Blue Dress you seem to have 3 separate issues running through your life right now, which I have written about and they are not entirely compatible. 1. You want to be a good friend to your ex H who left you for a woman now dying and you want to be THE emotional support for him. He didn't ask you to, even though he has had obviously extremely close and frequent contact with you NOT because he sees you as a friend but because he is required to due to joint issues with the children. Ask yourself perhaps, if he would have ANYTHING to do with you if he were not required in order to be the best father he wants to be, in spite of having cheated on the family 6 years ago. 2. Financial dependence upon him is now taking a turn and you have been accustomed to this for some 6 years. Ask yourself if point 1. is possible if he has any reason to resent you for working only 10 hours a week so you "can be there" for the kids (whatever that means - I am "there" for my daughter, but I work more than 30 hours a week, be what it may). As a husband, who obviously must work a regular work week and still see his kids, he must wonder about your reluctance to seek better and more financial stability after 6 years. Now you have made your financial issues, his issues playing the "I want to be there for you" card, but then butting your real cards on the table "what happens to me?" 3. You want this man back in your life. You have tried to manipulate the situation of 1 and 2 to get to 3. And I think you have to admit, neither of these strategies are going to result in 3 happening by imposing yourself in this way, and in the way you did, taking advantage of your commitment with the kids to introduce 1 and 2. Getting him back in your life is an objective you may have clearly destroyed by inserting yourself in his grieving process without being invited. You have displayed a 4th issue, and that is that you are too impatient with your needs. You show a huge lack of tact, and you place yourself in the middle of a universe of you: he must need ME (who else?) to provide him support, he must pay ME support and cannot (what am poor I to do?), and he must want to be with ME when he loses his wife. He loved me but he loved her more... I think you need to address this issues and decide really what is your best play. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Everyone has said most things. Please can I add an observation? You say you want to support & help don't you? After 6 years PLEASE can she feel comfortable coming to the kids events? Not even because she's so sick but as their Step Mother you are hurting everyone's memories. I'm a BS & I can imagine how you are still so hurt. Your H seems to of done everything (short of having an affair & leaving you to marry her) to make you comfortable. I know what it's like to be in pain & very sick. Why does she have to wait in a coffee shop to hear about the kids events? Why can't she come in? That's the sort of thing you CAN do to make things a little easier for them.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Because they are not HER kids! What is so bad about waiting in a coffee shop for the man you removed from their family. I don't think her medical condition gives her any more right to those kids than she already gets through interacting with them because their father has visitation rights. Everyone has said most things. Please can I add an observation? You say you want to support & help don't you? After 6 years PLEASE can she feel comfortable coming to the kids events? Not even because she's so sick but as their Step Mother you are hurting everyone's memories. I'm a BS & I can imagine how you are still so hurt. Your H seems to of done everything (short of having an affair & leaving you to marry her) to make you comfortable. I know what it's like to be in pain & very sick. Why does she have to wait in a coffee shop to hear about the kids events? Why can't she come in? That's the sort of thing you CAN do to make things a little easier for them.... Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Because they are not HER kids! What is so bad about waiting in a coffee shop for the man you removed from their family. I don't think her medical condition gives her any more right to those kids than she already gets through interacting with them because their father has visitation rights. Offline, most mature coparents after 6 years still would not be doing this vindictive nonsense. And after 6 years, it IS vondictive. She is their stepmother, regardless of how she got that way. Only stupid "plans" and online communities seem obsessed with this "making them pay forever" crap. And I am not singling you out felinni. I have just seen this over and over. People being divorced for 6, 8, 10 years and still freezing out the other spouse like they might give the kids hooker disease. Making their adult children feel guilty for going to the exes wedding (or having their other PARENT at their own wedding!!) It really is ridiculous. OP, you need to get a job. Even people who are still married both have to work in many cases these days. There is no excuse for you not getting out and getting a real job instead of trying to punish your ex for taking FML to take care of his dying wife. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Because they are not HER kids! What is so bad about waiting in a coffee shop for the man you removed from their family. I don't think her medical condition gives her any more right to those kids than she already gets through interacting with them because their father has visitation rights. So...lemme make sure I understand the logic here... His wife isn't allowed near the OP's kids (even though she's technically their stepmother), but the married couple should be "comforted" that OP is offering to care for the wife's children when the wife dies and she finally gets her ex-husband back? Well actually...:rolleyes: 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 She goes to the kids events. I don't keep her from showing up. Annoyingly she's there for every last thing the kids are involved in. School events, games, teachers meetings, everything. The kids teachers knew her last year better than they knew me because I missed some things and so did my husband but she never did. I don't know why she didn't go this one. Maybe she couldn't walk or something because it was a fitness challenge. She used to talk a big game to people about her running but I haven't seen her at the gym in months and when I checked her times from the last race she did she was in the bottom half with 15 minute miles. Big deal. I wasn't keeping her from going. I know we are fixating on the money and I feel bad because I kind of am too. I shouldn't be but losing half of my income is something I really need to address with him. It's a big deal. He saved enough to pay full child support for two months at least so is it too much to expect he would have done that for alimony too? I know he doesn't have to play if his income is cut but it has to be a good reason behind the income loss on his part. Technically I could bring it to court for a review since he won't even say what's going on. I'm not sure his wife being sick is a valid reason. I don't want to fixate on it but with vacation and Christmas coming something has to be done. I only have one full check and two half checks coming before nothing. I can't find a job that fast and set up stuff for the kids unless he's picking up the slack. I'm not sitting here in a holding pattern for 6 years. I've been dating and it never works out. I don't get past second or third dates and the three I guess major relationships I had all ended. One guy I broke up with and the others broke up with me like 8 or 9 months in. None of those even came close to measuring up to my marriage even at their best. My husband is an amazing man. I love him and I really just can't work past that. I'm even thinking that you guys are right in that I'm pushing hard to cheat. Maybe I am. I admit I hope he does but I don't see it happening. I think he forgot me in that way and needs to be reminded. I don't agree the timing isn't right, as long as I deal with it gently. There has to be a way to lay it all out there that doesn't make me seem insane. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 So...lemme make sure I understand the logic here... His wife isn't allowed near the OP's kids (even though she's technically their stepmother), but the married couple should be "comforted" that OP is offering to care for the wife's children when the wife dies and she finally gets her ex-husband back? Well actually...:rolleyes: The reality is if the stepmother were in good health and walked away from OP'S EXH for whatever reason - she would walk away from those kids just as quickly. Logic has nothing to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 BlueDress- do you care in the least tiny bit that this woman is suffering, and may be dying right now? Can you understand that you exH loves the woman, despite how they ended up together? Can you try to relate to what he is likely going through right now? If this is not a chain yanking, then this is all so heart breaking... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Quote - "Maybe she couldn't walk or something because it was a fitness challenge. She used to talk a big game to people about her running but I haven't seen her at the gym in months and when I checked her times from the last race she did she was in the bottom half with 15 minute miles." What? Why? Just...OMG! Yeh! I used to "talk a big game" about my physical prowess! I know! What a faker!! I haven't been to the gym for ages either. I use a degenerative spine, failing internal organs, surgeries & cancer as my pathetic excuse!! "bottom half" oh she's so crap! Her H clearly deserves better. What were your times? Good luck with that not looking insane thing.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 The reality is if the stepmother were in good health and walked away from OP'S EXH for whatever reason - she would walk away from those kids just as quickly. Logic has nothing to do with it. Is the stepmother walking away from her husband? Now granted, there are nine pages of delusional hope that OP's ex-husband might come back to her...even as he literally runs away from the OP...but where exactly did you read that his current marriage was actually on the rocks, or that his wife might be contemplating abandoning her marriage? OP lacks any empathy for this woman, or indeed even for her ex-husband, yet they are expected to believe and be "comforted" that she would take of this woman's children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 The reality is if the stepmother were in good health and walked away from OP'S EXH for whatever reason - she would walk away from those kids just as quickly. That might 'come with the territory'. Sometimes, when step-parents divorce, naturally the kids will see less of the step-parent. It stands to reason, they're collateral damage. It may not be desired, it may not be intentional. But the divorce will split the step-parent from the children. That wouldn't be her fault, that would be the circumstantial consequence. Not always so, though. My cousin divorced his second wife 10 years ago. She's still in touch with the children (not hers) and sees them quite frequently. so your argument and expansion is flawed, in more ways than one... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 She goes to the kids events. I don't keep her from showing up. Annoyingly she's there for every last thing the kids are involved in. School events, games, teachers meetings, everything. The kids teachers knew her last year better than they knew me because I missed some things and so did my husband but she never did. So in fact, she's parenting the children better than the both of you....? I don't know why she didn't go this one. Maybe she couldn't walk or something because it was a fitness challenge. She used to talk a big game to people about her running but I haven't seen her at the gym in months and when I checked her times from the last race she did she was in the bottom half with 15 minute miles. Big deal. I wasn't keeping her from going. Your kindness, compassion and natural empathy is only exceeded by your flawless logic and rational thinking.... I know we are fixating on the money and I feel bad because I kind of am too. I shouldn't be but losing half of my income is something I really need to address with him. It's a big deal. He saved enough to pay full child support for two months at least so is it too much to expect he would have done that for alimony too? I know he doesn't have to play if his income is cut but it has to be a good reason behind the income loss on his part. Technically I could bring it to court for a review since he won't even say what's going on. I'm not sure his wife being sick is a valid reason. I don't want to fixate on it but with vacation and Christmas coming something has to be done. I only have one full check and two half checks coming before nothing. I can't find a job that fast and set up stuff for the kids unless he's picking up the slack. I really cant.... I just..... It's like you're addressing a man who's just had his legs blown off by an explosion and asking if he'd mind if you had his shoes.... I'm not sitting here in a holding pattern for 6 years. I've been dating and it never works out. I don't get past second or third dates and the three I guess major relationships I had all ended. One guy I broke up with and the others broke up with me like 8 or 9 months in. Has it occurred to you that with all your baggage and garbage, they dodged a bullet...? None of those even came close to measuring up to my marriage even at their best. My husband is an amazing man. Minor detail - a trifle, I know, but... HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND!!! I love him and I really just can't work past that. If it were reciprocated that would be something, but clearly, he can't stand to be with you.... I'm even thinking that you guys are right in that I'm pushing hard to cheat. Maybe I am. I admit I hope he does but I don't see it happening. I think he forgot me in that way and needs to be reminded. I don't agree the timing isn't right, as long as I deal with it gently. Are you for real? I mean, seriously, are you even ....? There has to be a way to lay it all out there that doesn't make me seem insane. I cannot even begin to describe how far past that point you've actually gone. "Insane" doesn't even cover it. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 (edited) Its time to call you exactly what you are. A monster. I may have understood the logic behind a lost love, but the more you talk, the worse this gets. Your true self is appalling. He should have left you BEFORE you had his children. This mans wife is dying and your fixation is on your desires. And then you throw in your post about money. He has been supporting you for 6 years, so that you only work 10 hours a week. Maybe. And now that he is going on FMLA, you are panicking. You talk about your vacations and Christmas? Wow. Have you amy idea how much medical cost and god forbid a funeral cost What kind of person are you? Unbelievable story, and its probably true. HERE IS HOW WE ARE GOING TO SPITE YOU. Everyone pray for this womans health to improve...dramatically Edited October 4, 2015 by 66Charger 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I don't think Bluedress has really ever explained the children situation.....we don't know how many kids she and the ex husband have.....and we don't know if the ex husband has children with the new wife...or if the new wife has kids of her own. She has not made up this part of the story yet...so we are all filling in our own assumptions. As a matter of fact...Bluedress is assuming a whole lot here...you see...she does not really know if the the new wife is sick and dying... She assumes it to be so because the exhusband is going on FMLA....he could be going on FMLA for many reasons....he has not told her why. She also assumes he wont be paying her child support and alimony because he is going on FMLA....however...most companies continue to pay your salary on FMLA at least for a while.... So the bottom line is this...Bluedress has no facts about anything...is assuming a whole shlt load of crap....and is projecting what SHE wants to happen. It is quite a story isn't it? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 "She used to talk a big game to people about her running but I haven't seen her at the gym in months and when I checked her times from the last race she did she was in the bottom half with 15 minute miles. Big deal. I wasn't keeping her from going." You're checking her times? And monitoring whether she's at the gym? She's ILL! This is the most bizarre obsession I've ever heard of. Leave the poor people people alone. Get on with your life. Six years down the drain. Get a job. I see a restraining order in your future. I'll join others in hoping your EX husband's wife makes a full recovery. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 BlueDress can you fill in this bit of the story please? "I don't think Bluedress has really ever explained the children situation.....we don't know how many kids she and the ex husband have.....and we don't know if the ex husband has children with the new wife...or if the new wife has kids of her own." You've talked about taking care of the kids once she's dead. Does your Ex have custody of your children at the moment? Do you mean your children or your children AND her children? How old are the kids? Does she have a little one with your Ex? I do think it's important that all the children stay together as a family. She sounds like a great Mum. So sad. Those poor babies... my heart bleeds for them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 shatteredlady....hang on doll....their mum may not be dying....that's just the assumption in the story by Bluedress.....she has not yet revealed many of the details....but i am confident she will come up with something. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 The reality is if the stepmother were in good health and walked away from OP'S EXH for whatever reason - she would walk away from those kids just as quickly. Logic has nothing to do with it. you don't know that. i assume the father has more than just visitation rights & if they, for example, have shared custody -- the stepmother is actively raising them, too. sure, the kids aren't hers... but she is very present in their lives. OP - how many kids and what age? you didn't answer that question. also... did you went to ANY type of counseling at all...? i must say, this is a really baffling thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 shatteredlady....hang on doll....their mum may not be dying....that's just the assumption in the story by Bluedress.....she has not yet revealed many of the details....but i am confident she will come up with something. Oh I'm sure she will... but to heck with the high ground, let's see how low can she go... Heartbreaking... Hope she makes a FULL recovery! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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