Should I or Shouldn't I?

[BlueDress]

I have two kids with him and she has two kids with him. Mine are 10 and 8, hers are 5 and the youngest just turned 5 (born 9 1/2 months apart). Both of hers were clearly not planned. Our kids we have joint custody but I have domicile custody. That just means since I live in our old home that I get listed as legal primary since that's the address they've kept. He has the kids Sunday night -Thursday night every other week and Sunday night - Wednesday night the alternate weeks. Alternate holidays and one school vacation and 3 summer weeks a year. We don't do full weekends because he's usually out of town on weekends but he's there for every event he can. If he's missed one it's because of his work. He works 50 hours a week or so. I miss some school stuff because of work or because my car is unreliable and I don't have a way to get there. She makes everything usually but only because she makes her own hours and she schedules everything around the kid events. Especially now that her "twins" are in school too. On average he sees the kids 5-6 days a week.

 

He has to pay me child support because my income is lower and he does, $1,000 a month. He can't pay less than $300 a month in the event of a hardship unless he has no income but we have to go to court in that case. He pays me $900 in alimony but if he makes 80% or less of his regular income then he is on the hook for nothing and he doesn't have to pay it back. The adjusted child support he should pay considering his two kids with her and the insurance he pays for for them is $500. The unadjusted amount he pays is the $1,000. Because he overpays and is never late paying, the court was really lenient with the claimed hardship rights for him in our modified child support plan. Going on FMLA he gets paid only 60% of his income because he's opted to hold on to his earned time. So that would mean he should be paying no alimony and $300-$500 a month in child support but he's paying me full alimony for two weeks and half for two weeks and full child support for 2 months. I know it's not a bad deal but I lost my insurance through him when they got married 6 months ago so now I'm uninsured. That was a big hit, but I guess it evens out because whatever her problem is has cleared the deductible for prescriptions and medical visits so I don't have to pay copays on the kids stuff. With her income, I'd think he could afford to pay a little longer.

 

As with her fitness stuff, I was just saying she makes a big deal out of the stuff she does. She's always wearing her event shirts and Instagraming from these things she's doing but the last thing she did was just before she got married. She did a 13 mile run at 15 minute miles. That's not something to brag about. She just did a 6 mile event that she tweeted up a storm like she was an Olympian but she did 18 minute miles. She didn't even do this walk that her kids did. That's all I'm saying.

 

Anyway I found out that she has stomach and intestinal cancer. She can't get surgery because she doesn't qualify or something? He's taking time off to be with her while she does some blood thing to maybe get surgery afterwards. This is according to the wife of one of his friends. I guess without surgery any chance of recovery goes out the window. Her grandmother died of it so the outlook isn't so good. I sent him some texts saying I had heard what happened and asked if he wanted to talk. No reply yet.

 

I think I just want to give this one really great shot before I let things go for awhile. Even if he knows I'm here when things get hard then I'll be Ok with this all.

[turnera]

What I don't get is this: She's been divorced for at least 6 years, so ALL her kids are now at least in elementary school, if not junior high or high school. She lives on at least $24,000-$36,000 per year of money from HIM. She works, AT MOST, 10 HOURS A WEEK - 'so that she can spend time with her kids.'

 

Who are in school at least 6-8 hours a day. So she COULD be working at least 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. That's 25 hours.

 

Or she could have been attending college courses to achieve training to have a REAL CAREER, within 6 years.

 

And now that she might lose out on some of that alimony, SHE is upset?

 

No wonder she thinks she can reel him back in. She's just been pretending he's been on an extended trip for that past 6 years, and now it's time to pick up where they left off.

 

Oy vey.

[BlueDress]

I don't work more because I don't need to and if I do I get less child support. The judge ordered me to work at least 10 hours a week and so I do. I didn't have to work more until now. It was no big deal for him to pay it because he makes a lot and so does she. I just don't understand why he saved for child support but not alimony. It makes no sense. I feel like he is hiding money or something. The more I think about it the more I think we should probably get it checked in court. It's not adding up. I've already fired off a letter to my lawyer to see what the next step here is.

 

I guess in the back of my mind I did think he'd come back sooner or later. At some point the affair fog would lift and he'd see that things aren't as roses and wonderful as they seemed. It just lasted longer than I thought I think because of her job and income. They're rather well off if you include her money and she travels everywhere for her work. For free even I think. It's hard to snap out of the fake stuff when you have everything as long as he's with her. We weren't broke but we didn't have a lot of throwaway money either. We were a one income house, how would we have throwaway money?

 

You just read and see all this stuff about the moments where they figure out that the affair wasn't the answer and they want to come home and make it work. He never did that with me. I just think it's impossible to think he'd throw away our marriage based on a kiss and this stupid idea of true love with somebody who is his polar opposite.

[Mr Blunt]

You tell us that your husband is such a wonderful man but he wants nothing to do with you.

 

 

You are basically saying that your great husband left you for another woman. Great husbands generally do not leave their wife and children for SIX years unless there is much pain in the first marriage. If he is so good like you say then what drove him away for SIX years and made him run from you the other day when you tried to talk to him? When you tried to talk to him he evaded you like a plague then you tried to force him to talk so he ran away from and went directly to be with his wife at the coffee shop. That is such a strong message to you that you are history to him. What does it take for you to see reality

Edited October 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Harrassment; troll callout

[cocorico]

I don't work more because I don't need to and if I do I get less child support. The judge ordered me to work at least 10 hours a week and so I do. I didn't have to work more until now. It was no big deal for him to pay it because he makes a lot and so does she. I just don't understand why he saved for child support but not alimony. It makes no sense. I feel like he is hiding money or something. The more I think about it the more I think we should probably get it checked in court. It's not adding up. I've already fired off a letter to my lawyer to see what the next step here is.

 

I guess in the back of my mind I did think he'd come back sooner or later. At some point the affair fog would lift and he'd see that things aren't as roses and wonderful as they seemed. It just lasted longer than I thought I think because of her job and income. They're rather well off if you include her money and she travels everywhere for her work. For free even I think. It's hard to snap out of the fake stuff when you have everything as long as he's with her. We weren't broke but we didn't have a lot of throwaway money either. We were a one income house, how would we have throwaway money?

 

You just read and see all this stuff about the moments where they figure out that the affair wasn't the answer and they want to come home and make it work. He never did that with me. I just think it's impossible to think he'd throw away our marriage based on a kiss and this stupid idea of true love with somebody who is his polar opposite.

 

Did the judge also order you to stay away from his family? How badly did you harass them, for that to become necessary? Have you considered that your continued harassment of him, and stalking of her, may lead to another judge ordering you to stay away from them, too - and may also eventually lead to you losing custody of your kids if your craziness doesn't start to moderate?

 

Why should he continue to pay for your laziness, if you are *choosing* not to work simply to remain a financial burden to him? Perhaps he sees the FMLA (whatever that is) as a tactic to get rid of you and your neediness, since the settlement provides him with an escape. He cuts back, is relieved of having to pay for your support (but continues to support his kids), forcing you to get off your backside and get a job, severing any links he has with you (other than the kids) to try to get you to shake this daft idea that he might ever want you back. Perhaps his wife's illness is stress related, as a result of all the harassment and stalking they've been subjected to?

[cocorico]

There has to be a way to lay it all out there that doesn't make me seem insane.

 

That ship sailed long ago. Probably when the judge ordered you not to go near his family (or before).

[cocorico]

I just think it's impossible to think he'd throw away our marriage based on a kiss and this stupid idea of true love with somebody who is his polar opposite.

 

Perhaps you never really knew him, and you assume he's her polar opposite because of your assumptions about him.

 

Clearly he's much happier with her. You're certainly jealous of their M, stating that you think he's "cruel" doing all the things you wanted to do with him (but he never wanted to do with you) with her, and you're eating your head about them taking the kids to Bora Bora. If you really cared for him - even loved him, as you claim - you'd be happy that he's finally with someone he can relax with and enjoy, and you'd be pleased for his happiness.

 

Your jealousy doesn't testify to love, it testifies to possessiveness and resentment. And as long as you shackle yourself with those, you will never have a R that works out. Not with any other man, and certainly not with him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and the questions still remain unanswered.

 

and you still are focused on ME ME ME poor pitiful ME

 

We would like to know

 

1. How many children do you have with ex husband? ages please

 

2. How is the custody of those children split up? 50/50....every other weekend?

 

3. How many children does present wife have? ages if you know them

 

4. How many children do they have together?

 

5.has husband told you any information at all? or have you just jumped to conclusions about:

 

A. FMLA and reason for FMLA....and if husbands salary will remain the same for 6 months and then go to 75%?

B. is present wife ill? and why do you assume she is DYING? (obviously if you saw her in the coffee shop she is not on her death bed)

C.you started this thread asking HOW to pursue recapturing your exhusband. We...every single poster have recommended that you not pursue him...and YET you have continued to pursue him...and you avoid our questions...and you seem to ASSUME a lot without having any facts.

 

I find this whole thing frustrating...you don't listen...you seem to live in your own damn fantasy world.

 

Snap out of it ...face reality....and LISTEN

 

If this story is a real story...if this is really your life...i am terribly worried about your children. You have a sleezebag for an ex husband.....a backstabbing best friend who took said sleezebag husband...and a mom that cannot face reality.

 

Get yourself focused on the things you should be thinking about....raising and providing for your children. Stop obsessing over the past and what could have been and what could be.

 

Get yourself a full time job.....because you obviously have way too much time on your hands to write stories on an internet forum.

 

The judge awarded you alimony after being married for only 4 years? and how long did he award you that alimony? First...I can't believe you even got alimony for being married less than 10 years...and second you have been getting it for 6 years...

 

Answer my questions Bluedress....because inquiring minds want to know

[turnera]

You just read and see all this stuff about the moments where they figure out that the affair wasn't the answer and they want to come home and make it work. He never did that with me. I just think it's impossible to think he'd throw away our marriage based on a kiss and this stupid idea of true love with somebody who is his polar opposite.

Or...he just decided he couldn't live with a...very strange woman who he stopped loving because of her crazy (and who wouldn't work)... any more and sought out someone who is the opposite of you, and the new life he found without the crazy was just so wonderful he thanks God every day he got away from you.

 

I supposed YOU will be asking God every day for his wife to die.

 

And if she does, you're going to be that Crazy Stalker Lady who ends up with a protection order against her and loses her kids altogether. Do you even hear yourself? You work ten hours because TEN is the exact number of hours the judge said you had to. YOU never divorced him in your mind. You need intense mental help.

 

smh

[Mrs. John Adams]

I apologize for my post earlier...sometimes i do not get comments...and they show up later...not sure why. But i do see Blue dress came back with an answer to most of the questions i asked.

 

Thank you BLuedress

 

continue your story please

[fellini]

You people can use the OP as a sounding board all you like, but by my calculations WH was already OUT the DOOR full head on IN LOVE with another woman when he had a two and four year old back at home. Now unless we are talking love at first sight, and since we don't have information about the actually infidelity, my guess is he knew this woman while mom was probably still breast feeding.

 

The AHOLE in this story was the husband. Give the OP a little slack.

[TaraMaiden2]

Her continued insistence would denote that 'slack' is the last thing she needs.

If anything she needs definite reining back....

[turnera]

If you're suggesting an agenda, you might want to look at your own posts.

 

Many of us tried to stop her from doing something not only immoral but damaging to any chance of getting what she wants - her exhusband back. And it worked out exactly like we said it would; in spades.

 

The man literally RAN AWAY from her. And STILL she says she just needs to go back and do it AGAIN, but in a 'grand' way so he'll stop and listen to her. She's not listening to logic. She's delusional.

 

The woman clearly needs help.

 

And it matters not when her EXhusband met his current wife. Or how he did it. SHE IS DIVORCED for more than half a DECADE and she's conniving a way to take him back.

 

If he had just left his wife recently, you BET we'd be telling her how to win him back and looking poorly at his actions. But he's been with his wife at LEAST six years, probably seven or eight, depending on how long the divorce took.

 

He is no longer the issue.

 

The issue is getting her to acknowledge this is wrong so that she doesn't have some people showing up at her door giving her a warning, or worse. If she keeps this up, he IS going to take steps to keep her out of his life, and that might include having her sanity looked at. And once that happens, she may end up losing her kids altogether.

[autumnnight]

You people can use the OP as a sounding board all you like, but by my calculations WH was already OUT the DOOR full head on IN LOVE with another woman when he had a two and four year old back at home. Now unless we are talking love at first sight, and since we don't have information about the actually infidelity, my guess is he knew this woman while mom was probably still breast feeding.

 

The AHOLE in this story was the husband. Give the OP a little slack.

 

I think the OP has eexhausted all rational limits of the BS brotherhood/sisterhood.

[ShatteredLady]

Looking at the ages of their children... Was she pregnant when he left you for her? Wow! She got pregnant again fast!! How long we're they together before your D-Day?

[eye of the storm]

I have two kids with him and she has two kids with him. Mine are 10 and 8, hers are 5 and the youngest just turned 5 (born 9 1/2 months apart). Both of hers were clearly not planned. How the bleep do you know that? I know your ExH didn't tell you that. Stop making stuff up. Our kids we have joint custody but I have domicile custody. That just means since I live in our old home that I get listed as legal primary since that's the address they've kept. He has the kids Sunday night -Thursday night every other week and Sunday night - Wednesday night the alternate weeks. Alternate holidays and one school vacation and 3 summer weeks a year. We don't do full weekends because he's usually out of town on weekends but he's there for every event he can. If he's missed one it's because of his work. He works 50 hours a week or so. He has to because you are too much of a leach to get a FT job. I miss some school stuff because of work or because my car is unreliable and I don't have a way to get there. Maybe your car would be more reliable if you had a job and got a newer one. She makes everything usually but only because she makes her own hours and she schedules everything around the kid events. Especially now that her "twins" are in school too. On average he sees the kids 5-6 days a week.

 

He has to pay me child support because my income is lower and he does, $1,000 a month. He can't pay less than $300 a month in the event of a hardship unless he has no income but we have to go to court in that case. He pays me $900 in alimony but if he makes 80% or less of his regular income then he is on the hook for nothing and he doesn't have to pay it back. The adjusted child support he should pay considering his two kids with her and the insurance he pays for for them is $500. The unadjusted amount he pays is the $1,000. Because he overpays and is never late paying, the court was really lenient with the claimed hardship rights for him in our modified child support plan. Going on FMLA he gets paid only 60% of his income because he's opted to hold on to his earned time. So that would mean he should be paying no alimony and $300-$500 a month in child support but he's paying me full alimony for two weeks and half for two weeks and full child support for 2 months. He shouldn't be paying you alimony now. Why do you get supported for the rest of your life because he made a mistake in marrying you?! I know it's not a bad deal but I lost my insurance through him when they got married 6 months ago so now I'm uninsured. Get a job and get your own insurance. That is what responsible adults do! That was a big hit, but I guess it evens out because whatever her problem is has cleared the deductible for prescriptions and medical visits so I don't have to pay copays on the kids stuff. You make it sound like Karma, he cut your insurance so she got sick. You are unbelievable. With her income, I'd think he could afford to pay a little longer. Why should she work to support you?!?!?!?!?!?

 

As with her fitness stuff, I was just saying she makes a big deal out of the stuff she does. She's always wearing her event shirts and Instagraming from these things she's doing but the last thing she did was just before she got married. She did a 13 mile run at 15 minute miles. That's not something to brag about. She just did a 6 mile event that she tweeted up a storm like she was an Olympian but she did 18 minute miles. She didn't even do this walk that her kids did. That's all I'm saying. She did a 6 mile? Good for her. Stop stalking her instagram, twitter, and facebook. It just sounds like you are jealous, I would lay money you don't do half what she does and instead of working on yourself, you just sit there stalk her and try to tear her down to make yourself feel better.

 

Anyway I found out that she has stomach and intestinal cancer. She can't get surgery because she doesn't qualify or something? None of your business. He's taking time off to be with her while she does some blood thing to maybe get surgery afterwards. This is according to the wife of one of his friends. I guess without surgery any chance of recovery goes out the window. Her grandmother died of it so the outlook isn't so good. I sent him some texts saying I had heard what happened and asked if he wanted to talk. No reply yet. He already knows you are jumping up and down at the thought of his WIFE dying and he is skeeved out. That is why he RAN AWAY from you on a public street.

 

I think I just want to give this one really great shot before I let things go for awhile. Even if he knows I'm here when things get hard then I'll be Ok with this all. Of course you are OK with all this. You are super excited to crawl into this woman's bed.

 

Women like this gives women going thru divorce a bad name. They just want to sit on their couch and suck money from some poor guy who made the mistake of marrying them. And a judge obviously saw that she was a money sucker because he mandated that she work at least 10 hours a week.

 

And I don't think this ExH is a bad guy for having an A and divorcing her. He probably was so miserable he couldn't see straight and when he saw someone that he could be happy with he ran like the wind. I would be willing to bet that he didn't have a PA, I bet he just met her realized his life would be so much better and then hit the trails and BlueDress just filled in the blanks.

 

And to call your lawyer because you want to screw with a man that has been paying you money for 6 years for NOTHING because you are upset that he didn't save more money for you to suck off is beyond slimy. The man you claim you love, you want to screw over more, you want to kick him while he is down, you want him while he is sitting in the hospital dealing with his sick wife to also be dealing with lawyers

Edited October 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

You people can use the OP as a sounding board all you like, but by my calculations WH was already OUT the DOOR full head on IN LOVE with another woman when he had a two and four year old back at home. Now unless we are talking love at first sight, and since we don't have information about the actually infidelity, my guess is he knew this woman while mom was probably still breast feeding.

 

The AHOLE in this story was the husband. Give the OP a little slack.

 

 

I agree with you. The husband was an Ahole and the OP was hurt terribly. I feel bad for her (going on the assumption that this is a real story) and I think she needs some help and support. However it's been six years and he is not ever coming back. The OP needs to find a healthy way to move on.

[anika99]

OP based on what you have said, your husband has the kids almost as much as you do but he works 50 hours a week while you work no more than 10. Given the ages of your kids and the shared custody I believe it would do you a world of good to work more. It will help you to see that there is a life outside of your husband. Might boost your self-esteem and present new opportunities. You are stuck in a cycle of obsessing over your husband when you could be building a life for yourself and securing your future.

[minimariah]

...my guess is he knew this woman while mom was probably still breast feeding.

 

so?

 

your pregnant or breastfeeding spouse or a newborn baby won't fix your failed marriage or stop you from falling in love with someone else.

 

The AHOLE in this story was the husband. Give the OP a little slack.

 

 

 

she goes to say that their children (the husband & the OWs) aren't planned but she has a 10year old (divorced 6 years ago & was married for 4 years ago) - when you do the math, the dude probably married her only because she was knocked up. she goes to say that they only married 6 months ago as if that's some kind of proof that their love isn't real. he dumped her and the kids and never once looked back and she fantasizes about how they're still together because of the money & how she's the 1st option because he married her first...?

Edited October 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[truncated]

A thought ( and I this know this is going to go over like a lead balloon)

 

I think the op is acting really poorly, but is it that much different from what some ow/om do when the affair ends?

[minimariah]

A thought ( and I this know this is going to go over like a lead balloon)

 

I think the op is acting really poorly, but is it that much different from what some ow/om do when the affair ends?

 

 

 

how you gonna sit here and ask advice on how to hit on a man with a terminate ill wife?! she heard about another person's illness and was like "YUPYYAY!!!" & them imediatelly started making up plans to "get back what was hers" like the husband is a piece of furniture the OW stole from her?!

Edited October 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[TaraMaiden2]

A thought ( and I this know this is going to go over like a lead balloon)

 

I think the op is acting really poorly, but is it that much different from what some ow/om do when the affair ends?

 

Apples and oranges.

[BlueDress]

When he left we had been married just over 4 years. From the day he left to now he has been with her for 6 years. She wasn't pregnant when he left, they hadn't had sex yet. Only one stupid kiss. It seems like she would have been but she actually had both of her kids prematurely. The first one was 32 weeks and in the hospital for a month and the other 30 weeks. She almost lost that one. It's all a little more spread out than it seems. She did get pregnant fast though. They call them twins which is annoying.

 

The time between the affair and me finding out was minutes. They worked together at the time, she was his friend through there but became mine too. They were leaving work and they were talking in the parking lot. Then he kissed her. He came home after and told me it happened and said he was leaving. He loved her, it was true love, he couldn't stay. I begged him to stay and he stayed the night but the next day he checked into a hotel. He moved in with her about a month before she got pregnant. About a week after he left he tried to work it out for like 5 days but said he couldn't do it and left again. That was it. He filed for divorce the next day. That was it.

 

He did put in the parenting plan that I couldn't bring the kids to his family anymore. That wasn't the judge, that was him. After he left I spent a lot of time with his family to try and get them to help me reach him again. He said that wasn't appropriate so he got it in writing that only he could bring the kids to them. Partly because he refused to understand that after we got married they became my family too but partly because they live 6 hours away so when I took them it limited his contact with the kids unfairly. So he said. I could visit them without the kids but his family asked me not to out of some sort of loyalty to him. I still visit them three times a year though.

 

Yes he pays alimony. Because he admitted fault in the divorce he has to make sure he keeps the lifestyle we had while we were married available to me too. But because he overpays child support he gets so much favoritism in court. He doesn't have to pay if he's not making his full paycheck. He has to pay for 10 years but he can ask for a review in 8 years to get the last two years waived. We'll see. My lawyer set up a date for us to go to court this week for an emergency hearing because he thinks his reasons for taking FMLA aren't good enough to lower his payments. We go to court Wednesday. He has to appear but she doesn't.

 

He never returned my texts last night.

[CarrieT]

Perhaps he sees the FMLA (whatever that is) as a tactic to get rid of you and your neediness, since the settlement provides him with an escape. He cuts back, is relieved of having to pay for your support (but continues to support his kids), forcing you to get off your backside and get a job, severing any links he has with you (other than the kids) to try to get you to shake this daft idea that he might ever want you back. Perhaps his wife's illness is stress related, as a result of all the harassment and stalking they've been subjected to?

Family Medical Leave Act.

 

I imagine the wife's cancer is requiring the husband to take some necessary time off of work and the financial crunch is causing problems.

[Got it]

I did want to point out that FMLA is not paid leave. A company may have another benefit that is activated when someone puts in for FMLA like short/long term disability, general medical leave, etc. that could be paid. But FMLA, based on the government law is unpaid but job protected leave for a medical issue for the employee, significant other, specific family member, etc. So it is not uncommon that his salary would drop and thusly it is written that his alimony would be allowed to stop.

 

Blue dress - you are definitely a whole new kind of myopic. I highly recommend talking to a therapist. Please understand, if you ex husband wanted you, in any capacity you have left the door open with a neon sign. Look at his actions, he refuses any interaction that is remotely unnecessary. Pay attention! You can't make the man want you.

 

But please, keep pushing. It will allow him to build up a case that he should have full custody of the kids and a restraining order against you.

 

Trust what everyone here is saying, if he wanted you, you would know. My ex husband is generous to his ex wife in similar ways. He goes about and beyond financially for his ex. Why? Not for any romantic feelings. He just feels an obligation and he does it for the kids. It is not about her. I would bet your ex is the same way.

 

Move on. You can't make someone want you. And he has not shown a single sign that he wants you. At all. In any capacity.