Should I or Shouldn't I?

[Realist3]

I don't work more because I don't need to and if I do I get less child support. The judge ordered me to work at least 10 hours a week and so I do. I didn't have to work more until now. It was no big deal for him to pay it because he makes a lot and so does she. I just don't understand why he saved for child support but not alimony. It makes no sense. I feel like he is hiding money or something. The more I think about it the more I think we should probably get it checked in court. It's not adding up. I've already fired off a letter to my lawyer to see what the next step here is.

 

I guess in the back of my mind I did think he'd come back sooner or later. At some point the affair fog would lift and he'd see that things aren't as roses and wonderful as they seemed. It just lasted longer than I thought I think because of her job and income. They're rather well off if you include her money and she travels everywhere for her work. For free even I think. It's hard to snap out of the fake stuff when you have everything as long as he's with her. We weren't broke but we didn't have a lot of throwaway money either. We were a one income house, how would we have throwaway money?

 

You just read and see all this stuff about the moments where they figure out that the affair wasn't the answer and they want to come home and make it work. He never did that with me. I just think it's impossible to think he'd throw away our marriage based on a kiss and this stupid idea of true love with somebody who is his polar opposite.

 

I don't see how you could possibly even think about taking him to court. You have been getting a gift for the past 6 YEARS. Alimony for longer than the marriage even lasted. You were lucky. Is he paying it out of the kindness of his heart?

 

 

For 6 years you have failed to accept reality. It doesn't matter if his wife dies or not. He is never coming back.

 

 

Just a couple of days ago you put the ball in his court with your offer. He ran away!!!! That is the reality. Then you write that maybe if you just handle this gently there still could be a chance. That is flat out delusional.

 

You stalk his wife on Twitter and Instagram and who knows where else. THAT obsession is dangerous.

 

Think of your kids. Can you honestly think your obsession is in any way helping you be the best parent you can be to them???? You said exH's wife knows your kid's teachers better than you. You work only 10 hours a week!!!! What could possibly be the reason for that?

 

Seriously, there are professionals out there that can help. Given your income level you could get it for free. Take advantage.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Realist3

[stillafool]

How does OP know her cancer is terminal? Maybe she has cancer and is going to pull through. Maybe the husband is taking FMLA to help her thru chemo. At any rate, God forbid she dies; I doubt he will want OP back so she would be wasting her time trying to befriend him.

[William]

Folks, let's stay focused on the topic and refrain from the personal shots as those I find either result in moderation or suspension. Your experience may differ with the other moderators but I generally find it's posters I've have past run ins on this who do most of the damage so it is scorched earth with them. If you feel a vitriolic and disrespectful post coming on, try another thread or bang it out and then delete it before it appears on the forum. Your posting privileges will benefit. Thanks!

[Realist3]

 

Yes he pays alimony. Because he admitted fault in the divorce he has to make sure he keeps the lifestyle we had while we were married available to me too. But because he overpays child support he gets so much favoritism in court. He doesn't have to pay if he's not making his full paycheck. He has to pay for 10 years but he can ask for a review in 8 years to get the last two years waived. We'll see. My lawyer set up a date for us to go to court this week for an emergency hearing because he thinks his reasons for taking FMLA aren't good enough to lower his payments. We go to court Wednesday. He has to appear but she doesn't.

 

He never returned my texts last night.

 

Solid plan. Assuming the plan is to really tick him off.

[SleeplessIn]

....He has the kids Sunday night -Thursday night every other week and Sunday night - Wednesday night the alternate weeks.... On average he sees the kids 5-6 days a week.

 

This. So she has her children basically just 3 days during one week and just 4 days the next week. He has the kids most of the time but HE's paying HER child support?

[turnera]

AND she's not even working enough to make it count.

 

OP, maybe the reason you're so fixated on your EX-husband is that you haven't filled your life with anything new worth having. Friends, job, entertainment. You spend 70% of your time alone at home. That may be what's allowed you to go down the delusional path.

 

But make no mistake. You ARE on the delusional path. And the only thing that is going to happen if you don't get off it is your EX-husband will likely end up with the kids full time because if you keep this up, you WILL be deemed unfit.

[TaraMaiden2]

....My lawyer set up a date for us to go to court this week for an emergency hearing because he thinks his reasons for taking FMLA aren't good enough to lower his payments. We go to court Wednesday. He has to appear but she doesn't.

 

He never returned my texts last night.

 

When you consider the mixed messages you are sending him, it's hardly surprising he's keeping his distance.

To say you're blowing 'hot and cold' does The Arctic and Hell an injustice....

 

As far as he's concerned, your main interest is self-serving and financial.

Your legal actions screams Hostility.

Any so called "Romantic" overtures or measures you take to ensnare him back to you, will land on deaf ears.

Please believe me when I tell you, The Arctic and Hell will meet up and successfully mate, before that ever happens.

[daisygirl19]

I don't feel the need to rehash everything everyone else has said, although I am in full agreement.

 

Bottom line...I'm sorry you were hurt and betrayed. But it's been SIX years. For your sake, for your kids' sake, pull yourself together, face the reality of the situation and leave this man and his wife alone. You have two choices, continue on the self destructive path you're on and risk damaging your kids further (this has to affect them), or continue to play the victim card for the rest of your life and live out your remaining days bitter, vengeful and self serving. Choice is yours. Clearly there's nothing we can do for you...

[BlueDress]

I want him to come back but I have to be smart too. I know going to court seems hostile but I have to think of my income too. Losing half of what I make every month will really hurt. I'm sympathetic to a point but I can't let my emotions get in the way of making sure I have a place to live and food to eat. I tried talking to him through text but he never got back to me. Court wasn't my first choice. If I knew he was invested in some way beyond finances I could relax a bit but as it stands ends aren't going to meet real soon. I have very little in savings.

 

We have the kids the same amount of time technically but he pays child support so the kids can have the same standard of living between the two houses. I make so much less so he pays. Even then they have a better setup there than I do because she makes as much or maybe more than him. We couldn't tie that on during the child support hearings though.

 

He texted me to say his lawyer isn't available for court and he's tied up that day so he wants to put off the date. My lawyer says no. If he doesn't show and his lawyer doesn't show then chances are good for me. But I do feel bad and I see the point about mixed messages. I really need to talk to him.

[BHsigh]

I have two kids with him and she has two kids with him. Mine are 10 and 8, hers are 5 and the youngest just turned 5 (born 9 1/2 months apart). Both of hers were clearly not planned. Our kids we have joint custody but I have domicile custody. That just means since I live in our old home that I get listed as legal primary since that's the address they've kept. He has the kids Sunday night -Thursday night every other week and Sunday night - Wednesday night the alternate weeks. Alternate holidays and one school vacation and 3 summer weeks a year. We don't do full weekends because he's usually out of town on weekends but he's there for every event he can. If he's missed one it's because of his work. He works 50 hours a week or so. I miss some school stuff because of work or because my car is unreliable and I don't have a way to get there. She makes everything usually but only because she makes her own hours and she schedules everything around the kid events. Especially now that her "twins" are in school too. On average he sees the kids 5-6 days a week.

 

He has to pay me child support because my income is lower and he does, $1,000 a month. He can't pay less than $300 a month in the event of a hardship unless he has no income but we have to go to court in that case. He pays me $900 in alimony but if he makes 80% or less of his regular income then he is on the hook for nothing and he doesn't have to pay it back. The adjusted child support he should pay considering his two kids with her and the insurance he pays for for them is $500. The unadjusted amount he pays is the $1,000. Because he overpays and is never late paying, the court was really lenient with the claimed hardship rights for him in our modified child support plan. Going on FMLA he gets paid only 60% of his income because he's opted to hold on to his earned time. So that would mean he should be paying no alimony and $300-$500 a month in child support but he's paying me full alimony for two weeks and half for two weeks and full child support for 2 months. I know it's not a bad deal but I lost my insurance through him when they got married 6 months ago so now I'm uninsured. That was a big hit, but I guess it evens out because whatever her problem is has cleared the deductible for prescriptions and medical visits so I don't have to pay copays on the kids stuff. With her income, I'd think he could afford to pay a little longer.

 

As with her fitness stuff, I was just saying she makes a big deal out of the stuff she does. She's always wearing her event shirts and Instagraming from these things she's doing but the last thing she did was just before she got married. She did a 13 mile run at 15 minute miles. That's not something to brag about. She just did a 6 mile event that she tweeted up a storm like she was an Olympian but she did 18 minute miles. She didn't even do this walk that her kids did. That's all I'm saying.

 

Anyway I found out that she has stomach and intestinal cancer. She can't get surgery because she doesn't qualify or something? He's taking time off to be with her while she does some blood thing to maybe get surgery afterwards. This is according to the wife of one of his friends. I guess without surgery any chance of recovery goes out the window. Her grandmother died of it so the outlook isn't so good. I sent him some texts saying I had heard what happened and asked if he wanted to talk. No reply yet.

 

I think I just want to give this one really great shot before I let things go for awhile. Even if he knows I'm here when things get hard then I'll be Ok with this all.

 

So he pays you $500 dollars a month more than what was agreed to by you and him, he's been doing this for 6 years, and the minute that he's going to pay you $100 dollars a month less than the agreement states, as allowed under the agreement BTW, you're going to call your lawyer in an attempt to fight it. All of this while his wife is suffering from stomach/intestinal cancer that is more than likely fatal, and even if she survives she'll be living on enteral feeding and more than likely a colostomy bag for the rest of her life, just waiting for the few malignant cancer cells that lie dormant in some random spot in her body to decide to start growing again.

 

Do you ever try to judge yourself based on a decent moral code? You really need to work on yourself and leave this poor family alone. I understand that gas affair hurt you, he should have been a decent person and talked to you first, but this sounds like one of the true exit affairs. He doesn't want you, fix yourself and make yourself happy, then worry about finding a man to be with.

[Civil]

No, this is not the way to go forward, and OP does need counseling. But "get over it"?

 

Betrayal by a beloved spouse inflicts terrible damage and PTSD is a common result. In this case, the pain was compounded with an OW/OM who was known to the BS, a "family friend", involved with the BS's children, living BS's dreams in very close proximity, and though not a step-parent, allowed to actively participate in significant aspects of the BS's children's lives.

 

SIX years is nothing in terms of the damage betrayal inflicts. I'm close to an LTA that ruined the wife, then three of four lids and subsequently, the grandchildren. The effects can take decades to manifest, but when they do,they are loud and clear.

 

OTH, SIX years without real emotional support or treatment must feel like an eternity.

 

So ya, there's been on-going lack of empathy from the WH and OW, the situation is very sad, but it has brought things to a head for OP, so now it's time for her to get counseling, support and help in moving on and away.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Civil

[truncated]

how you gonna sit here and ask advice on how to hit on a man with a terminate ill wife?! she heard about another person's illness and was like "YUPYYAY!!!" & them imediatelly started making up plans to "get back what was hers" like the husband is a piece of furniture the OW stole from her?!

 

If you will read my previous posts, you will see that I told her what she is ding is a bad idea, and I never said anything to the contrary at all.

[BlueDress]

He has been texting all night trying to get me to drop the court date. He has a million excuses. I think he really doesn't want to let the court look at his finances. Something is really going on. But he says he can't keep up the alimony during FMLA and he says he shouldn't have to. We will see.

 

I found out from my girlfriend that he has to got called in to work to sign some last minute papers for payroll. So I accidentally but not really ran into him at Dunkin Donuts since I guessed he'd go there for coffee. We talked outside and he asked me again to drop the court stuff. I said I needed to know what was going on and he spilled the whole story. She's sick. He needs to be with her. They're busy Wednesday for an appointment he can't miss. I said I'd try but I didn't know what could be done about it. I told him how badly we need that money and I can't find a job that quickly. That if I lose half of what I get I can't afford basic needs. He said he couldn't afford it. His savings is dry. He can't pay 4 months child support if he pays alimony too. But what happened to the 8 weeks he said he'd pay before? Now it's 12? There is extra money. He could afford both though if he took vacation time before FMLA. He could have gotten full pay. He insists that because FMLA is for emergencies he can take that and not sacrifice his time off later in the year if he needs it. He can't get FMLA for the 3 weeks with the kids. He says this is better because it "protects" his time with everybody else all year even if it is a hit to his paycheck. He won't rethink it. He says when things turn around they'll go back to what it was. When is that though? He doesn't know. That's all he said. I don't know over and over. How can he not know? I asked him that and he said he didn't have time for this. He had to get back to her and the kids. Watching 4 kids who are asleep is too much for her now? It doesn't add up.

 

I told him I wanted to be there for him, but he just said he was fine as he walked away. I told him I was serious. I felt like I needed to take care of him. He said that I could do that by not going to court. He got in his car and left.

 

I sent him a long text today where I laid it all out there. It's worth the risk right? What's the worst that will happen? He can't divorce me twice and we are already going to court. I have nothing to lose.

[Mr Blunt]

Blue Dress, you say that your husband did not have sex with this woman until he told you that he was leaving you and then he left. Your husband may have had an EA before he told you he was calling your marriage over and that does make him a cheater. What are the reasons that Mr. Blue Dress gave you for cheating?

 

 

According to Blue Dress, Mr. Blue Dress told her he was leaving her because he kissed the OW one time. I do not believe for one moment that this man left his wife and children just over one kiss; there is a lot more so what is the rest of the story? In addition, Mr. Blue Dress agrees to pay more than he needed to for child support/alimony. After six years MrBD still does not want anything to do with Blue Dress and in fact when Blue Dress tries to pressure him to talk to her he runs to his new wife. Is that not a very strong message that he really does not want anything to do with you?

 

 

Blue Dress, your ex-husband has proven that he does not even want to talk to you and even if his wife dies his apathy feelings for you will continue and he will either stay single or go looking for another woman and that woman will not be you.

 

 

You asked what you can do to get him back, I can tell you that just about everything you have done has worked to do the opposite and will make sure that he runs from you again as he has many times. You have been told many times by several posters to get help but you have not indicated one time that you are going to get help. Everyone here is telling you the same thing but you choose to live in your dilution world and/or you are using this forum just for relief or entertainment and are not really looking to get yourself better.

 

 

If you do not change and get help you will be in the same condition or worse six years from now

Edited October 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
troll call out ~T

[BHsigh]

I want him to come back but I have to be smart too. I know going to court seems hostile but I have to think of my income too. Losing half of what I make every month will really hurt. I'm sympathetic to a point but I can't let my emotions get in the way of making sure I have a place to live and food to eat. I tried talking to him through text but he never got back to me. Court wasn't my first choice. If I knew he was invested in some way beyond finances I could relax a bit but as it stands ends aren't going to meet real soon. I have very little in savings.

 

We have the kids the same amount of time technically but he pays child support so the kids can have the same standard of living between the two houses. I make so much less so he pays. Even then they have a better setup there than I do because she makes as much or maybe more than him. We couldn't tie that on during the child support hearings though.

 

He texted me to say his lawyer isn't available for court and he's tied up that day so he wants to put off the date. My lawyer says no. If he doesn't show and his lawyer doesn't show then chances are good for me. But I do feel bad and I see the point about mixed messages. I really need to talk to him.

 

You should feel bad about doing this, forcing him to go to court rather than working/spending time with his possibly dying wife and kids, it is hostile.

 

Your ex made two really bad choices in this whole thing, first he had an affair rather than trying to fix things or divorcing first. And I truly empathize with you on this one, there's no excuse on his part.

 

But his second biggest mistake was paying you $500 a month more than the agreement called for, if he was smart he would have spent that $500 a month on the kids, or put it into savings for the kids, rather than giving it directly to you. Him doing this (probably as a misguided way of apologizing to you) has spoiled you and made you see this payment as the true agreement. He did neither of you any favors by doing so, had he not payed extra, you may have actually gotten up and started actually trying to work.

 

But ultimately you not working more than 10 hours a week is a flaw in you. I can't lay that directly on your ex.

 

I am a BS, not a WS, so I am on your side regarding the affair aspect, and I understand that it can hurt a person for years afterwards. But there's a point, particularly after divorce, that you just need to stop fantasizing about getting back together with him. I am not saying just get over it though, I am saying that you need to fix yourself, get a job, an education, counseling, make yourself a better person that you can be happy with.

 

You work 10 hours a week, you only have the kids for around two weeks a month, what in the world do you do it fill all of that time? Seriously, just making yourself productive will make you feel much better. Go to college, with federal grants you'll possibly be able to go for free if it's a community college, since you have kids. And there are scholarships available for single mothers if the federal grants won't pay for everything. Then get a job and start a career.

 

Make yourself a better you and don't look back.

[Got it]

He has been texting all night trying to get me to drop the court date. He has a million excuses. I think he really doesn't want to let the court look at his finances. Something is really going on. But he says he can't keep up the alimony during FMLA and he says he shouldn't have to. We will see.

 

I found out from my girlfriend that he has to got called in to work to sign some last minute papers for payroll. So I accidentally but not really ran into him at Dunkin Donuts since I guessed he'd go there for coffee. We talked outside and he asked me again to drop the court stuff. I said I needed to know what was going on and he spilled the whole story. She's sick. He needs to be with her. They're busy Wednesday for an appointment he can't miss. I said I'd try but I didn't know what could be done about it. I told him how badly we need that money and I can't find a job that quickly. That if I lose half of what I get I can't afford basic needs. He said he couldn't afford it. His savings is dry. He can't pay 4 months child support if he pays alimony too. But what happened to the 8 weeks he said he'd pay before? Now it's 12? There is extra money. He could afford both though if he took vacation time before FMLA. He could have gotten full pay. He insists that because FMLA is for emergencies he can take that and not sacrifice his time off later in the year if he needs it. He can't get FMLA for the 3 weeks with the kids. He says this is better because it "protects" his time with everybody else all year even if it is a hit to his paycheck. He won't rethink it. He says when things turn around they'll go back to what it was. When is that though? He doesn't know. That's all he said. I don't know over and over. How can he not know? I asked him that and he said he didn't have time for this. He had to get back to her and the kids. Watching 4 kids who are asleep is too much for her now? It doesn't add up.

 

I told him I wanted to be there for him, but he just said he was fine as he walked away. I told him I was serious. I felt like I needed to take care of him. He said that I could do that by not going to court. He got in his car and left.

 

I sent him a long text today where I laid it all out there. It's worth the risk right? What's the worst that will happen? He can't divorce me twice and we are already going to court. I have nothing to lose.

 

So basically you are blackmailing him on this now? The only area where I think you have any valid stance is him not taking vacation at the same time as FLMA. Many companies, though not all, mandate that you must exhaust your paid leave prior to going unpaid. But that isn't the case everywhere. So I think your only legal footing is making him use his PTO/vacation time until exhausted.

 

But by doing this you are only solidifying more to him his apathy towards you. As he has been "paying it forward" for years and it is biting him in the backside in regards to any gratitude. So unless he enters an emotional affair with you, you are going to be relentless to putting the screws to him. Okay, you have that ability though it won't "win" you any chance to having him in the future. You are reminding him every day why divorcing was the best decision.

 

Ugh this so reminds me of my husband and his ex. Same level of deception and manipulation to "get him back". It only backfired though and has only solidified to him how much he dislikes her. So please know you have been given fair warning.

[TaraMaiden2]

He has been texting all night trying to get me to drop the court date. He has a million excuses. I think he really doesn't want to let the court look at his finances. Something is really going on. But he says he can't keep up the alimony during FMLA and he says he shouldn't have to. We will see.

 

I found out from my girlfriend that he has to got called in to work to sign some last minute papers for payroll. So I accidentally but not really ran into him at Dunkin Donuts since I guessed he'd go there for coffee. We talked outside and he asked me again to drop the court stuff. I said I needed to know what was going on and he spilled the whole story. She's sick. He needs to be with her. They're busy Wednesday for an appointment he can't miss. I said I'd try but I didn't know what could be done about it. I told him how badly we need that money and I can't find a job that quickly. That if I lose half of what I get I can't afford basic needs. He said he couldn't afford it. His savings is dry. He can't pay 4 months child support if he pays alimony too. But what happened to the 8 weeks he said he'd pay before? Now it's 12? There is extra money. He could afford both though if he took vacation time before FMLA. He could have gotten full pay. He insists that because FMLA is for emergencies he can take that and not sacrifice his time off later in the year if he needs it. He can't get FMLA for the 3 weeks with the kids. He says this is better because it "protects" his time with everybody else all year even if it is a hit to his paycheck. He won't rethink it. He says when things turn around they'll go back to what it was. When is that though? He doesn't know. That's all he said. I don't know over and over. How can he not know? I asked him that and he said he didn't have time for this. He had to get back to her and the kids. Watching 4 kids who are asleep is too much for her now? It doesn't add up.

Of course it doesn't add up. It doesn't add up because you don't have any real concrete clue as to what is going on. You are not privvy to that information because you are Mrs. Madwoman ex-deranged, who still feebly clutches at straws and says one thing, but does things differently so that in the end even YOU don't know whether you're coming, going, been, gone or went.

 

You are not in the picture insofar as their lives are concerned. You've been on the sidelines for 6 years.

And as such (no matter what the circumstances of their getting together) you are secondary consideration to their lives now.

 

 

I told him I wanted to be there for him, but he just said he was fine as he walked away. I told him I was serious. I felt like I needed to take care of him. He said that I could do that by not going to court. He got in his car and left.

If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about how to get him back, I don't know what does.

He's asking you to not go to court. He can't deal with that right now.

 

You employ your lawyer. He is there to act accoridng to your instructions. As your lawyer will act upon your instructions, it follows that your Lawyer said no because you agreed with him he should.

The simplest, kindest thing to do right now would be to agree to a postponement.

 

I sent him a long text today where I laid it all out there. It's worth the risk right? What's the worst that will happen?

He will explain to the court that the $500 was a voluntary addition, not a sum set by the court, but actually greater than, you refuse to work more than 10 hours/week, and will argue that as the children spend more time with him, your demands are unreasonable. Could happen. He might even win.

 

He can't divorce me twice and we are already going to court. I have nothing to lose

Guess again.

Apart from your credibility, integrity and what little common sense you appear to currently have, you could lose a lot more than you think.

I kind of hope you do, in a way.

[SoulCat]

He has been texting all night trying to get me to drop the court date. He has a million excuses. I think he really doesn't want to let the court look at his finances. Something is really going on.

 

 

Yes, something is really going on. His wife is battling cancer.

Do you not get that he's got a million other, more important things on his mind right now?

 

 

I found out from my girlfriend that he has to got called in to work to sign some last minute papers for payroll. So I accidentally but not really ran into him at Dunkin Donuts since I guessed he'd go there for coffee.

 

 

You are venturing into stalker territory here.

 

 

They're busy Wednesday for an appointment he can't miss. I said I'd try but I didn't know what could be done about it.

 

 

Simple. You instruct your lawyer to halt/postpone proceedings.

 

 

He could afford both though if he took vacation time before FMLA. He could have gotten full pay. He insists that because FMLA is for emergencies he can take that and not sacrifice his time off later in the year if he needs it.

 

 

Maybe he wants to keep his PTO in case the worst happens and she doesn't make it. So he, and their kids get time to grieve and re-adjust without him having to worry about 50 our work-weeks.

 

 

 

I asked him that and he said he didn't have time for this. He had to get back to her and the kids. Watching 4 kids who are asleep is too much for her now?

 

 

He had to get back to them, because that's where he wants to be.

 

 

 

I told him I wanted to be there for him, but he just said he was fine as he walked away. I told him I was serious. I felt like I needed to take care of him. He said that I could do that by not going to court. He got in his car and left.

 

 

And this tells you all you need to know.

 

 

 

Seriously, leave the man alone. Leave his wife alone.

Stop harassing him for money, you are an adult who is quite capable of going out to work to earn a living, not just do a measly 10 hours a week only because a judge ordered you to.

[Realist3]

He has been texting all night trying to get me to drop the court date. He has a million excuses. I think he really doesn't want to let the court look at his finances. Something is really going on. But he says he can't keep up the alimony during FMLA and he says he shouldn't have to. We will see.

 

I found out from my girlfriend that he has to got called in to work to sign some last minute papers for payroll. So I accidentally but not really ran into him at Dunkin Donuts since I guessed he'd go there for coffee. We talked outside and he asked me again to drop the court stuff. I said I needed to know what was going on and he spilled the whole story. She's sick. He needs to be with her. They're busy Wednesday for an appointment he can't miss. I said I'd try but I didn't know what could be done about it. I told him how badly we need that money and I can't find a job that quickly. That if I lose half of what I get I can't afford basic needs. He said he couldn't afford it. His savings is dry. He can't pay 4 months child support if he pays alimony too. But what happened to the 8 weeks he said he'd pay before? Now it's 12? There is extra money. He could afford both though if he took vacation time before FMLA. He could have gotten full pay. He insists that because FMLA is for emergencies he can take that and not sacrifice his time off later in the year if he needs it. He can't get FMLA for the 3 weeks with the kids. He says this is better because it "protects" his time with everybody else all year even if it is a hit to his paycheck. He won't rethink it. He says when things turn around they'll go back to what it was. When is that though? He doesn't know. That's all he said. I don't know over and over. How can he not know? I asked him that and he said he didn't have time for this. He had to get back to her and the kids. Watching 4 kids who are asleep is too much for her now? It doesn't add up.

 

I told him I wanted to be there for him, but he just said he was fine as he walked away. I told him I was serious. I felt like I needed to take care of him. He said that I could do that by not going to court. He got in his car and left.

 

I sent him a long text today where I laid it all out there. It's worth the risk right? What's the worst that will happen? He can't divorce me twice and we are already going to court. I have nothing to lose.

 

 

I could find you a job in less than two days that will pay you more than you are getting from the lost alimony. Get off your tail and take control of your own life.

[anika99]

ugh! I have so many doubts about this story. They way you didn't really know anything about his wife's illness when you started this thread, but suddenly a day later you know everything including what the wife's family members died of, the way you knew that the MM was running into work to sign some papers last night and you managed to time it just right so you could run into him at a coffee shop. I think this whole story is being made up as we go but if it's true, then get your ass to work. Just work another 10-15 hours per week. That's still only part time.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Honestly...This story has taken the ugliest twists and turns. My heart wants to feel sorry for a betrayed wife...shunned and discarded by her husband and her best friend....but I can't

 

Instead i keep seeing the rabbit cooking on the stove......

 

I don't know if this story is true or if it is totally fabricated....either way...I don't like any of the characters and i think they may all deserve each other.

 

The op asked us how to pursue getting her husband back...and there has not been one person here who has encouraged her to do so....and yet...she keeps going...and the story gets more disgusting .

 

Bluedress....if you are real...if this story is real...you need help...your mind is so twisted from the betrayal that you have no concept of what is right and wrong. Please just get help.

[fellini]

Okay first of all, Bluedress didn't write Alimony and Child support laws in the U S of A, so I do not understand why people are beating her up for taking what is RIGHTFULLY LEGALLY HERS. You might not like it, but her husband OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T have a problem with it when he signed it.

 

If you don't like it, go find a webpage run by disgruntled divorced fathers to change those laws. That she should have been doing something with her life in these past 6 years seems a legitimate concern. As she herself indicates, she has maybe 4, probably 2 more years of legal support coming her way.

 

What is hysterical is that the same people here insulting this OP about her alimony payments are the FIRST to advise BS's to take their "lying cheating spouse's" to the cleaners. To go for IT ALL. Now you people are cheering in the peanut gallery for this woman to lose it all. UNBELIEVABLE.

 

If she has some legal issues to deal with with respect to her H's strategies, then she has them, whether or not you like it. So people here are claiming she should get out of the business of her exH's new W's illness, but at the same time are telling her to back down on the court date. Well guess what: she owes NOTHING to the woman who has a course of treatment. It is the husband who has to be in court, not the AP-W. It's clear this woman can be in a cafe having a coffee - it's not like she is lying in a hospitalized and her husband cannot spare two hours to show up for a legal proceeding.

 

And I don't buy that his "lawyer is unavailable" and that he is too. By her own words he simply wants to put off the inevitable. He is being challenged about his rights to make his own decisions about his ability to pay and the OP is within her rights to question that. Her lawyer is clearly not buying any of it.

 

OP. Take your 2 hour court date. Settle the issues. Do not let the personal interfere with your rights. You DID NOT BRING THIS UPON YOURSELF in spite of those here who at there most insensitive claim you deserved to be cheated on and divorced.

 

You cannot make someone not be indifferent to you. If you have any aspirations of some future (whenever that might be, but it is not in the near future) with this man then STOP trying to be with him.

 

Make yourself a strong independent happy and confident woman. Change your perspective. Either you will eventually find someone who wants to be with you, and you with him, or in some unknown future you husband will see you differently BECAUSE YOU ARE DIFFERENT and that will be your chance. But you cannot win him back. You have to work on YOU, and let the chips fall where they may.

[eye of the storm]

I have never advised anyone to take their spouse to the cleaners. I didn't even take my exH to the cleaners and it would have been so easy to as he refused a lawyer and just accepted anything I told him.

 

I have never agreed with the alimony thing, except in small distinct cases and for a limited time. for example, SAHM with no job skills, alimony for a year so she can get some skills and find a job. I have always found women who think that a wedding ring entitles them to a lifetime check to be lacking in many areas.

 

I was raised that you work. Even the few SAHMs in my extended family work, they raise food, their houses are spotless at all times, they volunteer with their kids, the older generations of SAHMs also took in wash for others to bring in income. The adage is if you eat you work.

 

Having to have a judge tell you that you must work 10 hours a week....says alot.

 

Knowing that the father of your children is going thru a heartbreaking ordeal and dragging them into court because you might be forced to become a contributing member of society?!?! It is unbelievable.

 

She doesn't want him back because she loves him. She wants him back because he is a meal ticket.

[66Charger]

Unless I read it incorrectly, he has paid a extra $500 per month over what us court ordered. If thats the case, he has overpaid by $30k. Who actually owes who?

 

You also state that you both have the kids a equal amount of time. You had better hope that his lawyer doesnt go for no child support, because in a 50/50 split, generally, both should cover your own expenses. You had enough time to get it together.

 

You think by going to court you have nothing to lose, but you do. If his lawyer gets aggressive, and if those 2 points are addressed along with the fact that his wife (the extra income) is dying, . Your 10 hours of work may come to a end. If it comes down to his dying wife or you in court, expect the battle to begin.

 

You are putting him in a bad position. Go ahead with the court date. It will be interesting to see what the judge has to say.

Edited October 6, 2015 by 66Charger

[autumnnight]

I understand, fellini, that for some people, the betrayed spouse is always right by default, and the WS/AP will always be the bad ones....but I think most rational minds would say this case has stretched that philosophy way past its limit.

 

And lest we forget, the woman is dying. I do not have a lot of respect for someone who can't have compassion for that, BS or WS. That isn't about initials, that is about basic human decency.