Should I or Shouldn't I?

[Realist3]

Another point to the OP.

 

Your exH found a woman that makes a lot of money, more than he does. Do you really think he wants to come back to someone that is a negative draw?

[fellini]

You simply cannot let your personal work ethic, which is quite frankly, admirable, be the stick upon which you make such an outrageous claim about love based on what little evidence you have here.

 

In case you missed it, she hasn't stopped wanting her husband back EVEN though she already got a 10 year "meal ticket" as you call it without having to share any of it with HIM.

 

When a judge tells you you need to work 10 hours a week, he isn't telling you that you are a trough feeder, he is telling you how the law works.

 

I have never advised anyone to take their spouse to the cleaners. I didn't even take my exH to the cleaners and it would have been so easy to as he refused a lawyer and just accepted anything I told him.

 

I have never agreed with the alimony thing, except in small distinct cases and for a limited time. for example, SAHM with no job skills, alimony for a year so she can get some skills and find a job. I have always found women who think that a wedding ring entitles them to a lifetime check to be lacking in many areas.

 

I was raised that you work. Even the few SAHMs in my extended family work, they raise food, their houses are spotless at all times, they volunteer with their kids, the older generations of SAHMs also took in wash for others to bring in income. The adage is if you eat you work.

 

Having to have a judge tell you that you must work 10 hours a week....says alot.

 

Knowing that the father of your children is going thru a heartbreaking ordeal and dragging them into court because you might be forced to become a contributing member of society?!?! It is unbelievable.

 

She doesn't want him back because she loves him. She wants him back because he is a meal ticket.

[BHsigh]

A smart man in your husbands situation will tell the court that he has payed $30,000 to $36,000 more than he was required, and he will have bank statements proving this (based on him paying an extra $500 a month child support for 5 - 6 years). He will then proceed to show the judge your text messages and file a restraining order, followed quickly by a petition for full custody on the grounds that you are unable to assist with taking care of your children due to your refusal to work.

 

So yes, you do have something to lose.

[BlueDress]

He bombed me with texts at 3 this morning. He made clear we aren't happening. He doesn't want anything to do with me right now except for the kids he says. He says I can't even text. I have to contact him through some parenting app that both of our lawyers can see. Maybe that will change if something happens to her or things get really tough but right now there's nothing. I asked why and he said our marriage was a mess, he doesn't love me, he is devoted to her, same stuff as before. That door is closed for now.

 

He asked me to drop court. He says that is the worst possible day for court. He wants it out a week. I'm not buying it. I talked to my lawyer and his lawyer asked to reschedule because he's not available and that it creates hardship for my husband but court goes on. It's an emergency hearing so the judge said if there was a disagreement the orders would be temporary until his lawyer could be there for a scheduled hearing later. He has to be there though. My lawyer says I should go through with the date so I will. He also says I have grounds to get back in his insurance since when they got married she could have stayed on her insurance and not forced me off his. And he's changing the insurance and I have a right to sign off on it for the kids and if I go back on his plan. He says it's better but how do I know if I don't check for myself? If the court tells her to go back on hers I may get mine back and that seems fair. I'm not asking for the moon here.

 

I agree with the other person. He can make a few hours available to me to get this settled. I owe her nothing so whatever she's dealing with isn't my issue. She can wait. Losing child support impacts me and the kids and the kids are a priority here. So are his legal obligations.

 

After last night, I'm tired, frustrated, and feeling bitter about all of this. I feel like he's trying to pull one on me and I'm frustrated he's not even listening to me. He's not taking me seriously at all. I'm willing to try harder to work past this but I need guarantees of my own too. The more I think about it the more angry I get. It's not to hard to let me in on what's going on or what his plans are.

 

I know what her grandmother died of because she talked about it for a long time. When she does her little things she does them for some awareness charity. The kids went to the funeral in the Carolinas. It's not some big secret. I knew he was going to work because a friend mentioned it and it's only 5 minutes away. I grabbed a coffee and waited to see if he'd come in. He did. He always has a coffee in his hand. It wasn't hard to guess. He did it when we were married. 10 minutes of talking to the right people and confronting him yesterday filled me in on some of what's going on. He has to tell his work and people talk. Ask the right person is all it takes.

 

I'm tired about the work thing. I don't work so I can be with the kids when I have them. I never needed to work more. I used to work 20 hours a week but after he left there was no point. Now if I work more I'll never see the kids. My first job is to be their mother and I'm not missing that for a job. I shouldn't have to. I don't deserve it. He left so the money is his problem. They can afford it. It isn't about the money for me anyway. I love him and want him. I shouldn't have to prove why I want my husband back. He was mine before he was hers.

[fellini]

A smart man in your husbands situation will tell the court that he has payed $30,000 to $36,000 more than he was required, and he will have bank statements proving this (based on him paying an extra $500 a month child support for 5 - 6 years). He will then proceed to show the judge your text messages and file a restraining order, followed quickly by a petition for full custody on the grounds that you are unable to assist with taking care of your children due to your refusal to work.

 

So yes, you do have something to lose.

 

A smart lawyer will have no problem proving that this same man WILLINGLY gave that money, $500 per month, or whatever, to maintain the quality of life of his two kids during THOSE MONTHS. He wasn't giving her that money just so that she could hoard it under a mattress in case one day he decided to stop the payments.

 

And the fact that people continue to confuse CHILD SUPPORT with ALIMONY is telling that think this money was just handed to her in the form of CASH for her to do for herself WHAT EVER SHE PLEASED. Obviously he didn't see it that way and obviously he saw the results of his additional investment in his children's life or he would have STOPPED funding her private world by giving her more than she was due.

 

Or maybe you think they are both complete idiots?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Alimony and child support is not what this thread is about

 

She wants to know how to pursue getting her ex husband back

 

 

 

Any suggestions?

[BlueDress]

He's not with her for money that I know. I thought at first the other way around because she worked so much at so many little things that made not a lot. She fell into what she does and has milked it for all its worth. Now she makes the same or more if you count perks but it wasn't always that way. If things dry up with her finances he'd still stay.

[autumnnight]

Alimony and child support is not what this thread is about

 

She wants to know how to pursue getting her ex husband back

 

 

 

Any suggestions?

 

Yes, and she wants to know how to do so WHILE his wife of 6 years is dying.

 

I am trying to wrap my mind around anyone defending that....

[fellini]

Alimony and child support is not what this thread is about

 

She wants to know how to pursue getting her ex husband back

 

 

 

Any suggestions?

 

I suggest people not discourage her from continuing to claim alimony from a husband who is not coming back in any short time.

And any suggestion that she back off, in order to "win him back" because people personally dislike that she is collecting alimony, is disingenuous. So yeah, it is about both.

[66Charger]

Alimony and child support is not what this thread is about

 

She wants to know how to pursue getting her ex husband back

 

 

 

Any suggestions?

 

Sorry. ....No.

[BHsigh]

Alimony and child support is not what this thread is about

 

She wants to know how to pursue getting her ex husband back

 

 

 

Any suggestions?

 

We are responding to individual posts by the OP, and giving our opinion on what she is doing.

 

I suppose that we can add "Doing what you're doing will just push your ex husband away, thus ruining your chance on getting him back", I guess we should not just assume that this would be understood.

 

And OP brought up the alimony subject, she stated herself that she agreed to the emergency arrangement, and is now unhappy with it since it is actually happening.

 

OP, following your current course will only reinforce to your ex husband that he doesn't want you back. Talking to him didn't work, fighting over a child support/alimony agreement that you signed and agreed to will not make him want you, it will only push him away.

 

You should have followed the advice given early on about waiting it out and offering your support should his wife actually pass away. Now I can't imagine any way that you could successfully pursue him, your actions are causing you to appear needy and unreasonable.

[eye of the storm]

Alimony and child support is not what this thread is about

 

She wants to know how to pursue getting her ex husband back

 

 

 

Any suggestions?

 

I was going to say, my suggestions would probably get me banned but I came up with one.

 

Break into his house, get naked, crawl into his bed and wait. When he sees you there in all your glory, he will be overcome and whisk you away to a tropical paradise to live happily ever after.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am just sensitive today since yesterday things got reeled in...we are supposed to stay on topic according to the first post.

 

Should I or shouldn't I....is the original question.

[Shai00]

This makes absolutely no sense and yet you think it does. I am not judging you by no means but seriously take a step back and think about what you are saying and see if anything you have said makes sense. I understand that you are a BS and I am sorry that you had to deal with that pain. However,

 

Your marriage ended 6 years ago. You seem like you are still broken and you never actually had the professional help you needed. You are still speaking in present terms as if he is still your husband. You really need to find someone that can help you. It seems the relationships you are looking for are men that are like you WXH. Your WXH has over paid you $30K and yet you still would persue court at a time his wife is dying and all 4 young children needing time with their dad. You also said at one point he spends 5 to 6 days a week with your children. How often do you have them? He pays child support and you have them 50/50 because you don't make enough to support you children. My advice to you is stop being lazy and find a job. Society today caters to people like you who want everything without working for it. Shame on you. You X doesn't have to explain any of his finances to you. Not that this should come as a shock but did you expect him to pay you forever? Did you never expect to get a job to help pay for yourself or your children? Your WXH is now paying for 2 families and you have said he has done so without complaining and his wife is now sick and he has medical expenses. While you stay home all the while being healthy and can work.

 

You also mentioned his wife running and you looking up her time. You keep track of when shes in the gym. Why? You make yourself look like a stalker. I believe she may need a restraining order.

 

You told us how annoying his wife is about going to your childrens events at school. Thats really sad. You should be happy that she is that good to your children. They could have had a step mother that is a horrible step mom to them.

 

You say if you had the chance you would cheat with him. Why? He left 6 years ago and started his life with someone else. Obviously he hasn't reached out to you so he does not want you.

 

You need to stop speaking as if your X was still your husband. Out of all I see in your post you are a very selfish person that needs and should have gotten professional help. THAT HAS TO HAPPEN! You never talk about what this is or has done to your children. I understand they are still young but children are smart. They see and hear. You dont want to mess them up from this. Look deep within yourself. I really hope you can change the way you think because it's very scary to read a story like this.

[66Charger]

Even though it wasnt the original question, the OP bought the subject into play.

 

As far as backing off on alimony, there is a real chance she may lose. What is alimony for? To get the divorced spouse time to get on her feet? Combine that with 50/50 custody and the question begs an answer.

 

What were you doing during the 50% of time the X had the children for the last 6 years.? Lounging?

 

I wonder what was in all those emails and text she sent him. Bet his lawy

[eye of the storm]

BHsigh, you nailed it on the head. He has been going above and beyond what was required of him. They both agreed on the provisions of the divorce including the alimony/child support section. And she was totally fine with it until he needed to activate the financial hardship clause that she agreed to. Suddenly she is going to sic her lawyer (which he is probably required to pay for) on him because she will not play fair.

 

Fair is following the agreement that was mutually agreed upon. Not just when it benefits you.

 

I may not be a fan of alimony but the exH agreed to it and has been paying it.

 

He just wants her to adhere to what she also agreed to. She refuses to because she is going to use the courts to continually harass, and torture this poor man.

[Got it]

A smart lawyer will have no problem proving that this same man WILLINGLY gave that money, $500 per month, or whatever, to maintain the quality of life of his two kids during THOSE MONTHS. He wasn't giving her that money just so that she could hoard it under a mattress in case one day he decided to stop the payments.

 

And the fact that people continue to confuse CHILD SUPPORT with ALIMONY is telling that think this money was just handed to her in the form of CASH for her to do for herself WHAT EVER SHE PLEASED. Obviously he didn't see it that way and obviously he saw the results of his additional investment in his children's life or he would have STOPPED funding her private world by giving her more than she was due.

 

Or maybe you think they are both complete idiots?

 

You are assuming it can be assigned as child support. Unless he put that in writing it will be added in as an extra final sum that he was giving her that would have not be child support and ergo should have been taxable, etc.

 

Alimony is for her to do with what she pleases. Nothing has been stated this extra amount was child support or alimony. It was seemingly never designated.

 

It just shows, it never pays to be nice or "pay it forward". Gonna bite you in the backside every time.

[Mr Blunt]

By Mrs. John Adams

Alimony and child support is not what this thread is about

She wants to know how to pursue getting her ex-husband back

any suggestions?

 

My suggestion is for Blue Dress to get the right help then follow the instructions of the counselor. It is obvious that what Blue Dress is doing now is not working and has not worked for six years. Blue Dress’s ex-husband is not interested in her and the only chance she has of having any relationship with him is for her to change her mind, attitude and actions. Even then there is no guarantee that Mr. Blue Dress will ever have much of a relationship with her.

 

 

Blue Dress’s chances for getting her ex-husband are slim to none and slim may have left the building. However, some people win the lottery and Blue Dress has about the same chance. Without Blue Dress getting help and changing there is NO HOPE.

[William]

Yikes, between all the moderated member's posts in the queue and people telling each other what and how to post, I'll table this for a gentler moderator to handle. We're out over 200 posts now so I'm sure the thread starter has received some good feedback and can take a day's hiatus. For those who responded to the topic according to our guidelines, thanks so much!