Try Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I have demanded full phone access, she has sent a message to the OM that his wife will find out if he ever contacts my W again I have demanded space so she has stayed over elsewhere and we will get through this. You have done much better so far. It takes many cheated on spouses a lot longer to figure out that you must be willing to end the marriage to have a real chance at saving the marriage long term. That being said, after demanding full access to her phone, you give it up immediately by letting her move out. With apps like Skype, WhatsApp, or a burner phone, she can text and talk to her lover without leaving a trace. Sorry but she manipulated you into giving her exactly what all cheaters want when they are caught. Protection of their affair partner ("AP") by getting you to not tell the AP's spouse; the tell the AP's spouse only if they ever contact your spouse again, is a common cheaters trick to get you to agree to this. Letting her move out so that she can stay in contact with her lover as she coordinates with her lover instead of you her next step. Demand that she move back home immediately, and then tell her lover's spouse about the affair without giving her prior warning. Again, you are doing much better. It is a learning process and you seem to be a quick study. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I have demanded space so she has stayed over elsewhere I'm sorry to say this was a mistake. She does not deserve "space" right now. She needs a close eye to be kept on her. Your trust in her is absolutely zero because she has proved herself totally untrustworthy. You now need to keep a close eye on her 24/7 to make sure she is sticking to her word. While she's staying "elsewhere", who knows what she's getting up to? She could quite easily have bought a burner phone to carry on communication with the OM. You'd never know. You've done well to lay down the law so far, but now you need to make sure she sticks to her words. You can't do that if you're apart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) By withholding the information from her you become their accomplice, she deserves the truth just like you deserve the truth, it is the right thing to do. . Also by telling his wife she will be on alert to watch his every move so he won't have a chance to see your wife. Stay strong it will make your wife want you. She does not want a whimp who will look the other way while she cheats. When the OMs wife finds out he will more than likely lose all interest in your wife because he will be too busy trying to save his marriage. He may start to resent your wife for this mess. Let his wife know ASAP! Edited October 1, 2015 by stillafool 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) Dude your wife blew another man. DUMP HER. She has no respect for you, for herself, for your family, for your children..and this is the person you want in your life? This is the person you want around your children a lot? She's not remorseful about what she did, she is remorseful she got caught. She was unhappy? Cool, open that mouth to discuss the problems instead of opening it to give another man a blowjob. She has already betrayed and disrespected you..please don't allow this toxic female to strip you of all semblance of dignity as well. You might love her..but she doesn't love you she loves blowing other men behind your back and then acting like she feels bad over it, but not bad enough to confess outright. I'm sure she is an excellent role model for your children as well. Lets hope you don't have any daughters. Edited October 1, 2015 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I'm sorry to say this was a mistake. She does not deserve "space" right now. She needs a close eye to be kept on her. Your trust in her is absolutely zero because she has proved herself totally untrustworthy. You now need to keep a close eye on her 24/7 to make sure she is sticking to her word. While she's staying "elsewhere", who knows what she's getting up to? She could quite easily have bought a burner phone to carry on communication with the OM. You'd never know. You've done well to lay down the law so far, but now you need to make sure she sticks to her words. You can't do that if you're apart. Giving a WS space is basically giving them unsupervised time during which to conduct the A. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 You can already tell the guy isn't going to leave this woman or anything like that. That is what is truly depressing about all this..you can just tell from his replies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Expose her OM anyway. You owe him nothing at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Yep expose him, he is a dirty scumbag. But then some people will say it makes him a psycho for revealing that. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 You can already tell the guy isn't going to leave this woman or anything like that. That is what is truly depressing about all this..you can just tell from his replies. why are you depressed? you are here to give a POV, do not let it depress you my friend. The OP is here to see our POVs and only him will live with whatever decision he would make 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 You of course are letting your wife's boyfriend's wife know either way, right? Because - news flash - the affair is still going on. It's just on hiatus. Blow that up so that you can simplify things. Plus she deserves to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 You can already tell the guy isn't going to leave this woman or anything like that. That is what is truly depressing about all this..you can just tell from his replies. But, isn't this always the case on LS? (sigh) Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Yep expose him, he is a dirty scumbag. But then some people will say it makes him a psycho for revealing that. He's not a psycho. He is a man who was directly hurt by the actions of his wife and the OM. It makes perfect sense that the OM's wife (if he is married) or close associates (especially if it was at work) know this. He's only approaching psycho if he advertises it in the paper or on his public Facebook news feed or he begins going around exposing and threatening people he has never actually met who have nothing to do with him. Exposing THIS OM in HIS situation to strategic people makes perfect sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I know cheaters and I know addicts and they have many things in common. They lie, lie, lie in order to feed their habit. When confronted with "this is it - I'm leaving" they fall to their knees begging to be forgiven and swear that it will never happen again. No more heroin, alcohol, coke, or other men/women. In the moment I think they mean it - their intentions are good. But as the old proverb goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". Your WW may have the best of intentions but the chances that she is going to keep in contact with OM are very good. He's her drug of choice and she desperately wants him. Packing a bag and threatening to leave will elicit the response from her that you describe nearly every time. But things will "quiet down" in a few days and she'll start planning the next contact. She has had the power in your relationship and she knows in her gut that you can't be strong on this. She's going to have her cake and eat it to as long as she possibly can. You'll bust her and threaten to leave and she'll cry and beg and then - well - wash, rinse, repeat. Decide what you want. Is it ok to let your wife have sex with other men as long as the family stays together? That is really where you are now so can you keep going like this? It's tough to be strong when you've been weak for so long. How did you find out about the blowjob? I hope you realize that she's lying about every aspect of the sex. She won't admit to a thing that she doesn't think you can prove so you will have to dig deep to find the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I know cheaters and I know addicts and they have many things in common. They lie, lie, lie in order to feed their habit. When confronted with "this is it - I'm leaving" they fall to their knees begging to be forgiven and swear that it will never happen again. No more heroin, alcohol, coke, or other men/women. In the moment I think they mean it - their intentions are good. But as the old proverb goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". Your WW may have the best of intentions but the chances that she is going to keep in contact with OM are very good. He's her drug of choice and she desperately wants him. Packing a bag and threatening to leave will elicit the response from her that you describe nearly every time. But things will "quiet down" in a few days and she'll start planning the next contact. She has had the power in your relationship and she knows in her gut that you can't be strong on this. She's going to have her cake and eat it to as long as she possibly can. You'll bust her and threaten to leave and she'll cry and beg and then - well - wash, rinse, repeat. Decide what you want. Is it ok to let your wife have sex with other men as long as the family stays together? That is really where you are now so can you keep going like this? It's tough to be strong when you've been weak for so long. How did you find out about the blowjob? I hope you realize that she's lying about every aspect of the sex. She won't admit to a thing that she doesn't think you can prove so you will have to dig deep to find the truth. Petruchio Drifter is spot on. The picture you built (she built for you to see too) is NOT the woman she REALLY IS. This fact and change in your opinion of her has to happen and I mean yesterday! She is just NOT who or what you thought. That previous view of her was obviously an incorrect assessment of her character. I think you're scared. It is scary but you are going into battle. NOT a battle you signed up for, nor a battle you or ANY OF US ever wanted but you're in it and you need to think and act swiftly! You have to be BRAVE, summons all your strength and blow this affair off the face of this earth. I'm a woman but boy I've grabbed my WHs A and shaken it to the core. I PHONED THE AP BEFORE I EVEN SPOKE A WORD TO WH. I KNEW he would LIE through his teeth. I took over 3 pages of notes on times, activities, WH PART IN THIS. THEN SAID "You want WH? Good. Have him. He's out of my house tonight (you did realize this WAS MY HOUSE right? No she didn't). Contact him. He'd love to hear from you since you guys were so "in love"! I'm sure he'll be there tonight since he's homeless now." And left it at that. Almost but for this purpose suffice to say an INCREDIBLE circus ensued and it was WH and the OW throwing each other under convoys of busses. WH already hated her for "harassing" him with calls and texts for 4 weeks prior to my D Day. He'd ended it but she couldn't take it. Good on her for pressuring him to tell me or she was going to. That day. Pity for her, her scheme backfired. I just watched it all unfold. Clowns. I'm sad to report they weren't the only 2 rats in the nest. Be prepared. If OW had had a husband? A person she was also betraying? No way would I have left that poor person out of this. But it's always been in my character to tell OPs when I see their partners being unfaithful. I would expect that minimal effort from others. It's up to betrayed spouses what they do next. Tell OMs wife. She needs to check for STDs too. It's the least you could do for her. It's imperative for this affair to be known to ALL concerned. Courage Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) why are you depressed? you are here to give a POV, do not let it depress you my friend. The OP is here to see our POVs and only him will live with whatever decision he would make I'm not specifically depressed, but it doesn't mean you can't find a situation depressing. I guess it's like if you hear about someone who died and you didn't know them very well..you might think it is sad they are dead without experiencing specific sadness yourself. It's one thing for a person to want to forgive cheating, but just the way this guy is doing it is what makes it a bit depressing IMO. He essentially begged her. It's unfortunate because she knows she can get away with doing this stuff now. I don't like to see anyone get taken advantage of and that seems like something that is likely to happen here. Edited October 1, 2015 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jacobclassified Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Man that's brutal. Sexting is cheating if your in a relationship. If you have to hide,delete and lie your actions from your significant other your already cheating. It's only a matter of time until it goes further. In your case it has. If she did anything sexual she let you go the second she decided to do so. It comes down to if you belive she can control her temptations.. and you can move on. I have a simular situation and it's hard to not feel anger and hurt. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) He's not a psycho. He is a man who was directly hurt by the actions of his wife and the OM. It makes perfect sense that the OM's wife (if he is married) or close associates (especially if it was at work) know this. He's only approaching psycho if he advertises it in the paper or on his public Facebook news feed or he begins going around exposing and threatening people he has never actually met who have nothing to do with him. Exposing THIS OM in HIS situation to strategic people makes perfect sense. I understand the paper part, it costs money to take out an ad in the paper. I am curious why you feel the Facebook thing is psycho though? Think about it for a second: some people check their social media pages an insane amount of times per day. If a person was feeling particularly angry at a betrayal and just happened to be on their FB page..it wouldn't take much effort to post it, right? I'm not saying it is right to do the FB thing, but you can literally make a post and make it so anyone can see it in about..5-10 seconds. Especially since with some people the first thing they do once a relationship ends is go onto their social media page and change their relationship status. It is part of the reason I despise social media, if you spend enough time on it sooner or later everyone ends up saying something they shouldn't of. Edited October 1, 2015 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I'm sorry to say this was a mistake. She does not deserve "space" right now. She needs a close eye to be kept on her. Your trust in her is absolutely zero because she has proved herself totally untrustworthy. You now need to keep a close eye on her 24/7 ....... I think the OP needs space and really if you have to keep your spouse under surveillance, is it worth it. I think the space is for her to know divorce is very possible. Never let a woman take you for granted OP. Now she needs to dig deep and find out why she did this. What will make her not go down that road again. ...you need to know, because she's an unsafe partner while she is in the unsure state. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Giving a WS space is basically giving them unsupervised time during which to conduct the A. So true. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 OP you must tell the OMW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petruchio Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 I wish I could tell the OMW but unfortunately I don't know where they live...yet. OM is not easy to find. The space is for me and for my WW to understand I'm serious about walking away..now. She's had time away, alone without the kids and no contact with me. Time to think, time to sweat I hope. Look I'll be honest. I LOVE my wife and this pain of betrayal is the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with in my life. Of course I'm scared, We have nearly 20 years together of ups and downs, children, death, life, laughter, tears....but I'm stronger now. Stronger than she is, she knows that from the other night's events. She's never seen me like that before, but strong women need a stronger man. Well guess what? "I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve." Isoroku Yamamoto 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cgiles Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Can you hire a PI ? If yes, he would find the wife, then you just have to contact her, and you will know if your wife stays or not in contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 maybe a dead thread. But have your wife give you her contact number. Then do not tell her, but go ahead and expose to the OM's wife. and find out how many more A's she has had. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I wouldn't tolerate any of this behavior. If she likes this guy so much, go to him. Get lost. Drop the hammer. Link to post Share on other sites
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