Girlfriend cheated on me with another woman

[Chinoito]

So this past Monday I found out my girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me with another woman, she was acting suspicious so I invaded her privacy because I knew she wasn't going to admit it, I looked through her phone and found flirty text messaging with her manager who is a lesbian(stud). I confronted her about it and she confessed everything that it had been going on for a couple months and that they had kissed, but after the kiss they both agreed to not do it again since one they were both in relationships and two because she is her boss. I was devastated to find out the girl I loved, planned on marrying, have kids with and build a future would do such a thing, I told her that how could she have been so foolish to have been deceived and played by a lesbian who has a gf. That her manager was the definition of a snake and that she doesn't need people like her in her life. She told me that she enjoyed the kiss and kept the flirty relationship because it was a experimental thing, I would understand the kiss being experimental but not the flirty text relationship they had. She told me that she hates herself for it and that she can't forgive herself, she said that she wants to work this out and that it would never happen again. She cut off all social media with the lesbian, and confronted her and told her that their relationship would be only a work relationship nothing more nothing else and to be professional, the lesbian even called to apologize and tell me that it was going to be a professional, work relationship and nothing else would happen. At this moment, I haven't forgiven her, to the public we seem like we're together but we're not, she scared that her friends and family would see her differently if we broke up because she cheated on me with a woman. Im not quite sure what to do, I'm completely lifeless at the moment. I do love her, one side of me wants to make this work, the other tells me to walk away. Any advice or similar situation would gladly help

[MrMeh]

You're lucky you aren't married yet. If she was willing to cheat just for the experience then I think you should leave her and look for somebody who is mature enough for something serious.

[stillafool]

Your girl is as much to blame as the Manager. What makes you think the Manager played her? Your girl admitted she liked the kiss and she may have been the one who came on to the Manager. More than likely that is how it happened. Your girl will want to experience this again. DO NOT MARRY HER!

[Chinoito]

Your girl is as much to blame as the Manager. What makes you think the Manager played her? Your girl admitted she liked the kiss and she may have been the one who came on to the Manager. More than likely that is how it happened. Your girl will want to experience this again. DO NOT MARRY HER!

 

She admitted to me that her manager confessed that she had a crush on her, and pulled her close and kissed her

[PegNosePete]

What difference does it make whether it wa a woman or a man? She was unfaithful. She deliberately kissed another person whilst in a supposedly monogamous relationship with you. And the reason? Because she wanted to.

 

If it were me in this situation I would dump her, no ifs, no buts. She was unfaithful.

[smackie9]

well she's come out....now release her.

[Grumpybutfun]

This isn't hard...if you had a boundary that cheating is a dealbreaker...then move on. Gender doesn't matter...cheating is cheating

G

[stillafool]

She admitted to me that her manager confessed that she had a crush on her, and pulled her close and kissed her

 

I am a married woman and I would not let another woman pull me into her and kiss me. I would probably slap her face the same as I would if another man tried to kiss me.

[qubist]

First of all gender does not matter when it comes to infidelity.

Whether to forgive or not is up to you but before you do that ask yourself a question, what changed? How can she be sure it won't happen again? She said she did it for the experience how can she confirm that another trill of a new experience won't tempt her again?

[Darren Steez]

Sooner or later she'll want to experiment with a ripped and muscly dude...then after that a well endowed stud then after that a pretty lesbian..then maybe a threesome when that gets boring.. she's probably a scientist...all that experimenting...

[Space Ritual]

Chinoito, you have thus far received some very good advice.

 

I want you to consider the fact that just because your GF and her manager put in a whole regret bit, that it literally means nothing. They still work together. That means they will still be in contact.

 

The only reason that this whole presentation has been trotted out by those two in front of you is that they are more concerned with themselves. You see, you could have actually made a stink at our gf's work and they were more scared of that than in upsetting you.

 

so unless your GF has decided that she has to quit her job to avoid jeopardizing her relationship with you, then I submit to you that your GF and her Supervisor will simply continue doing what they are doing, a little more on the covert side.

 

So again, did your GF tell you she was quitting her job? I don't see anywhere in your posts thus far that suggest that. Just a few bandaid steps that serve only to gaslight you.

 

I hate to say it, but your relationship is pretty much at an end. I don't say that because of an Gender or orientation reason. After reading what you wrote I'd say the same thing regardless of who it is.

 

She is doing "everything" except quitting her job and still working with a supervisor you know has a "crush" on her and that they have had intimate contact.

 

Which tells me nothing is going to change. You are nothing but a temporary roadblock to her expanding her horizons. She'll be right back at it as soon as she can. I imagine she already has a burner phone since you went through her other one, or will be getting one soon if she hasn't already.

 

You can't hold candle to the rush she is getting out of this right now. It would be quite understandable fr anyone to be. Getting attention, and ego kibbles from our bosses is powerful stuff. Adding a little kissy face and fingering in the break room and Chinoito is gonna be none the wiser. Best to release her to her destiny.

[candie13]

take it easy and breathe...

 

I don't know about your RS nor about the trust level between you two.

 

There's a difference between her not wanting you to break up with her and her not wanting you to break up with her for fear the world might find out about her lesbian tendencies...

 

it's not just the cheating, OP, it's about her sexual identity issues... you're risking it big time...

[Chinoito]

Chinoito, you have thus far received some very good advice.

 

I want you to consider the fact that just because your GF and her manager put in a whole regret bit, that it literally means nothing. They still work together. That means they will still be in contact.

 

The only reason that this whole presentation has been trotted out by those two in front of you is that they are more concerned with themselves. You see, you could have actually made a stink at our gf's work and they were more scared of that than in upsetting you.

 

so unless your GF has decided that she has to quit her job to avoid jeopardizing her relationship with you, then I submit to you that your GF and her Supervisor will simply continue doing what they are doing, a little more on the covert side.

 

So again, did your GF tell you she was quitting her job? I don't see anywhere in your posts thus far that suggest that. Just a few bandaid steps that serve only to gaslight you.

 

I hate to say it, but your relationship is pretty much at an end. I don't say that because of an Gender or orientation reason. After reading what you wrote I'd say the same thing regardless of who it is.

 

She is doing "everything" except quitting her job and still working with a supervisor you know has a "crush" on her and that they have had intimate contact.

 

Which tells me nothing is going to change. You are nothing but a temporary roadblock to her expanding her horizons. She'll be right back at it as soon as she can. I imagine she already has a burner phone since you went through her other one, or will be getting one soon if she hasn't already.

 

You can't hold candle to the rush she is getting out of this right now. It would be quite understandable fr anyone to be. Getting attention, and ego kibbles from our bosses is powerful stuff. Adding a little kissy face and fingering in the break room and Chinoito is gonna be none the wiser. Best to release her to her destiny.

 

She isn't going to quit her job, she's in college and she works at a group home for elderly disabled people, she told me the relationships she's made with the people she takes care of is important to her and that she doesn't want to leave them because she ****ed up, she has been trying to make things better by telling me where she is at all times, random lunches and calling me, and hearing out everything I have to say even though it isn't pretty what I say, I know she regrets what she said, I'm not hurt by her kissing a girl, if she would've told me that she did, I would've expect it and moved on, it's the fact that they had a flirty relationship behind my back and she lied about it. When they first kissed, she told me that she messed up but enjoyed it, and afterwards she talked about taking a break but she still didn't tell me about the kiss, she decided not to take a break and continue on and then commenced the flirty relationship, which deeply saddens me and hurts me

[GorillaTheater]

When they first kissed, she told me that she messed up but enjoyed it, and afterwards she talked about taking a break but she still didn't tell me about the kiss, she decided not to take a break and continue on and then commenced the flirty relationship, which deeply saddens me and hurts me

 

I don't want to make you feel worse, but the conventional wisdom, based on the reality of trickle-truth, is that if she says they "kissed", there was likely a whole lot more to it.

[Spectre]

She isn't going to quit her job, she's in college and she works at a group home for elderly disabled people, she told me the relationships she's made with the people she takes care of is important to her and that she doesn't want to leave them because she ****ed up, she has been trying to make things better by telling me where she is at all times, random lunches and calling me, and hearing out everything I have to say even though it isn't pretty what I say.

 

So translation: her job is more important then you. That is all that needs to be said. Actions have consequences and if this girl is old enough to be in college she should know it. You see when people f*ck up sometimes they do have to give things up. It's called being an adult, your gf should try it sometime I hear all the cool people are doing it.

 

 

I know she regrets what she said

 

No she regrets getting caught. If she regretted it she would of confessed to you on her own and not continued to flirt and would also be willing to do whatever it takes to save your relationship.

 

 

I'm not hurt by her kissing a girl, if she would've told me that she did, I would've expect it and moved on, it's the fact that they had a flirty relationship behind my back and she lied about it.

 

So uh why would her cheating be okay as long as she admitted it? People shouldn't get brownie points for telling their partner the truth. You should be hurt by the kiss. You should be hurt by the lame ass reason she gave for the kiss.

 

When they first kissed, she told me that she messed up but enjoyed it, and afterwards she talked about taking a break but she still didn't tell me about the kiss, she decided not to take a break and continue on and then commenced the flirty relationship, which deeply saddens me and hurts me

 

If she had any true respect or love for you she would of confessed to you right away what she did and wouldn't of flirted. So you need to dump her.

 

If you are going to for some odd reason get back with her..she HAS to quit her job. It's not even about you thinking she will cheat again with the boss. It's about she needs to suffer some actual consequences for her actions. Having to quit a job she loves will sure as hell leave an impression and maybe next time she'll think twice about cheating.

[Chinoito]

I'm scared, I really don't know what to do

Edited October 1, 2015 by Chinoito

[lolablue17]

you don't get what's going on here. You think that it's all about the the cheating.

 

Under the surface there is a control battle. She wants to marry you, but she knows this is her chance to establish her future relationship with you. Once she wins, she's managed to set your future rule number 1 - She is the upper hand, she controls you, and you're invited to be her doormat.

 

This little issue about her quitting or not her job, is the thing you should not give up on. If you give up, that means she didn't pay ANY price, and it means, that even now, when you have all the good cards in your hand, you can still be manipulated easily... Imagine how easy it will be to manipulate you while you're married with kids and much less cards \ options

[PegNosePete]

I'm not hurt by her kissing a girl

Really? You should be. I would certainly be very hurt if my GF were to kiss someone else, whether male or female.

 

That is simply not how an honest, trustworthy and respectful person behaves when they are in a relationship.

[JS84]

I'm scared, I really don't know what to do

 

I'll tell you what to do. Walk away from that relationship. It's definitely not going to work if she's still working with the woman.

[Chinoito]

I'll tell you what to do. Walk away from that relationship. It's definitely not going to work if she's still working with the woman.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm a hopeless romantic i know who she is and this isn't her, we were high school sweethearts we were best friends before I even considered asking her to be my girlfriend, I knew before hand that she wanted to experiment with women and I told her I was okay with that as long as I knew, it seems odd I know but when I get into a relationship, I give you all the freedom you have and let you grow with me by your side, yeah sure I've made a my own mistakes but not to this extent, I asked her to switch houses or look for another job, she is going to do exactly that, is the chance of us working out a higher if she were to leave that house or look for another job. I just want to start completely fresh and forget and start a new, I know what we had is gone but she really wants this, I can see she's trying to make thiings right and I see the effort she's putting in, I don't have anyone really to discuss the matter with, my thoughts are all over the place. Whenever I'm with her the past few days, it feels like everything is normal like nothing happened, as if this never occurred, I don't understand it, I should be angry and depressed but I'm just sad really.

[PegNosePete]

i know who she is and this isn't her

Have you ever seen Batman Begins? It has the most wonderful quote.

 

"It's not who I am underneath... but what I *do*... that defines me"

 

She is defined by her actions. Her actions suggest this is who she is, despite what you thought she was "underneath".

 

I told her I was okay with that as long as I knew

Well, she betrayed you then. What are you going to do about that?

[Space Ritual]

Don't get me wrong, I'm a hopeless romantic i know who she is and this isn't her, we were high school sweethearts we were best friends before I even considered asking her to be my girlfriend, I knew before hand that she wanted to experiment with women and I told her I was okay with that as long as I knew, it seems odd I know but when I get into a relationship, I give you all the freedom you have and let you grow with me by your side, yeah sure I've made a my own mistakes but not to this extent, I asked her to switch houses or look for another job, she is going to do exactly that, is the chance of us working out a higher if she were to leave that house or look for another job. I just want to start completely fresh and forget and start a new, I know what we had is gone but she really wants this, I can see she's trying to make thiings right and I see the effort she's putting in, I don't have anyone really to discuss the matter with, my thoughts are all over the place. Whenever I'm with her the past few days, it feels like everything is normal like nothing happened, as if this never occurred, I don't understand it, I should be angry and depressed but I'm just sad really.

 

 

You are in for a world of hurt. You are a Beta dude. You lost your best chance to come out of this when you did not show her any real consequences. Good Luck, she views you underneath as a tool and a sucker so you can now look forward to a future of nothing but games as long as you remain in the relationship.

[Spectre]

Don't get me wrong, I'm a hopeless romantic

 

I've noticed that sometimes when men say this "hopeless romantic" actually means "doormat".

 

i know who she is and this isn't her

 

Was this a robot created in her likeness that did this? Or some evil version of her from an alternate reality? You say you know who she is and this isn't her. It's the other way around though, you don't know who she is..only who you *thought* she was.

 

we were high school sweethearts we were best friends before I even considered asking her to be my girlfriend

 

Yet she cheated on you, failed to tell you, and kept on flirting with the person she cheated with until caught. That is what your high school sweetheart did to you.

 

I knew before hand that she wanted to experiment with women and I told her I was okay with that as long as I knew, it seems odd I know but when I get into a relationship, I give you all the freedom you have and let you grow with me by your side

 

The whole "she wants to experiment with women" just seems so cliché to me now. Like what were they gonna sit down and watch Cruel Intentions and then go make out on a picnic blanket in the quad?

 

But meh that isn't the point, you shouldn't of told her she could experiment. It's never a good idea to tell a college girl "hey go ahead and experiment" because you WILL end up hurt.

 

yeah sure I've made a my own mistakes but not to this extent, I asked her to switch houses or look for another job, she is going to do exactly that, is the chance of us working out a higher if she were to leave that house or look for another job. I just want to start completely fresh and forget and start a new, I know what we had is gone but she really wants this, I can see she's trying to make thiings right and I see the effort she's putting in, I don't have anyone really to discuss the matter with, my thoughts are all over the place. Whenever I'm with her the past few days, it feels like everything is normal like nothing happened, as if this never occurred, I don't understand it, I should be angry and depressed but I'm just sad really.

 

I think for this to work the person she cheated with needs to be 100% out of her life. Can she accomplish that without quitting her job? If so, cool. If she'd still see the person in any capacity then she should quit.

 

As for saying you should be angry and depressed instead of sad..not necessarily. Sometimes your heart is just so broken you are numb to anger and all you feel is sadness.

Edited October 1, 2015 by Spectre

[Maxtor]

I'm scared, I really don't know what to do

She won't stop "experimenting".

[deadelvis]

First I should preface this by saying I have an unconventional outlook on bisexual relationships and monogamy. I don't mind at all if my GF's hook up with other women as long as it's done in an honest and open manner. It's never created problems in the relationship and it's led to numerous wild threesomes. I personally would not make a big deal about it. I'd suggest finding another bisexual girl who you can both play and experiment with. If you try to repress her bisexual urges it will blow up in your face. If you are supportive and allow her the freedom to explore those feelings she will respect you more and probably be more honest with you about her lesbian urges. If you play this wrong it will work out one of two ways.

 

1. It's over now. No more relationship. Back to being single again.

2. You work things out for now, but she continues to have unfulfilled lesbian urges. Eventually something like this happens again and the relationship ends.

 

If you play this right you can have a honest and trusting relationship with a bisexual woman who brings other women home and you get to experience wild threesomes. In my experience this usually makes the relationship stronger and creates a deep sense of trust and intimacy between you. And if it doesn't, you're in the same boat as if you break up today, but at least you can cross one off the bucket list.

 

Woman/woman sexuality is so much different than man/woman sexuality. If you allow her to explore that side of herself it will make her a more complete person and take your sex life to the next level.