i am a reserved introvert

[HansonGirl]

I am really feeling down and would like to open a line of dialogue.

 

I am and always have been pretty content to socialize one on one andhave close meaningful friendships with a few. I am overal pretty content with that. Sometimes too muchis over stimulating

 

But it seems like a lot of people around me have so many friends and are always meeting up with a different friend. I am starting to think theres something wrong with me. I do get lonely at times. And id like a relationship but i feel like its not attractive to the opposite sex to be such a loner. But i am so content overall. I dont feel compelled to broadcast anything on facebook. I can see right through the girls who update their photo every other day. And i also think thats a waste of time. I also think some of these people think they are celebs in their own minds. Like they think people care what they are doing. Yet the last person i was interested in seemed into girls who updated their pics constantly and thought they were all that. But i guess he and other guys i am attracted to are into someone with tons of friends and who wear a ton of make up and take lots of selfies

I dont mind presenting myself nice on a daily basisbut i dont have tons of friends and am not interested in that. It sounds exhausting. But i do want to get married. So i feel like im doomed.

 

I dont think i need a therapist because ive been this way my whole life. Never been into the social ladder.

Are ANY guys into someone like me or will i be alone forever? I hope what im saying makes sense.

Ive always thought id end up with someone outgoing just to balance it out.

[turnera]

I'm a loner like you. I'd rather be alone, period. But my therapist urged me to go outside my comfort zone, and find a happy medium somewhere within the bounds of what the majority of people do. She explained that, even though I'm an introvert, I do need SOME interaction with other people to stay in a happy place. And I did, and she was right.

 

You're feeling down because, while you're comfortable as you are, you're not getting any of the other benefits of life that come with friends and lovers.

 

And they aren't gonna just knock on your door. I had to push my DD25 to get outside her comfort zone just like you, in college. Talk to classmates. Join a study group. She was really glad she did, and her second two years were MUCH more enjoyable, memorable, and gratifying. And if it got to be too much, she'd just pass on this or that event and go home and recharge.

 

Some guy may meet you and love you as is, but the reality is, it will be hard for him to find you.

 

Get outside your comfort zone. Do a little at a time; get to know people; show up at some things; it will pay off in the end.

 

PS: I married someone extremely outgoing; it's not always the best thing; I disappeared. For decades. Best to find someone in the middle, who enjoys going out but also staying in.

Edited September 30, 2015 by turnera

[HansonGirl]

I'm a loner like you. I'd rather be alone, period. But my therapist urged me to go outside my comfort zone, and find a happy medium somewhere within the bounds of what the majority of people do. She explained that, even though I'm an introvert, I do need SOME interaction with other people to stay in a happy place. And I did, and she was right.

 

You're feeling down because, while you're comfortable as you are, you're not getting any of the other benefits of life that come with friends and lovers.

 

And they aren't gonna just knock on your door. I had to push my DD25 to get outside her comfort zone just like you, in college. Talk to classmates. Join a study group. She was really glad she did, and her second two years were MUCH more enjoyable, memorable, and gratifying. And if it got to be too much, she'd just pass on this or that event and go home and recharge.

 

Some guy may meet you and love you as is, but the reality is, it will be hard for him to find you.

 

Get outside your comfort zone. Do a little at a time; get to know people; show up at some things; it will pay off in the end.

 

PS: I married someone extremely outgoing; it's not always the best thing; I disappeared. For decades. Best to find someone in the middle, who enjoys going out but also staying in.

 

Thanks. I just want to clarify. I do have friends. I am really aimed more at the romantic part of it and whether people are interested in somebody who doesnt have millions of friends. I feel as though if thats desirable in attracting a mate i will lose.

[lchf]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm introverted but my girlfriend is a lot more outgoing than me and has a ton more friends. But now that I'm in long distance with her I barely see anyone besides family. I guarantee there are guys that find your qualities attactive, the issue is how to meet them. I struggled all my life holding onto friendships and making them in the first place, not because I lack social skills but I just wasn't putting myself in situations conduicive to making friends and finding relationships. I can count on one hand the number of real friends I have, and frankly that's plenty for me. Definitely nothing wrong with being introverted, but to make meaningful connections you'll need to push yourself out your comfort zone to make it happen.

[HansonGirl]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm introverted but my girlfriend is a lot more outgoing than me and has a ton more friends. But now that I'm in long distance with her I barely see anyone besides family. I guarantee there are guys that find your qualities attactive, the issue is how to meet them. I struggled all my life holding onto friendships and making them in the first place, not because I lack social skills but I just wasn't putting myself in situations conduicive to making friends and finding relationships. I can count on one hand the number of real friends I have, and frankly that's plenty for me. Definitely nothing wrong with being introverted, but to make meaningful connections you'll need to push yourself out your comfort zone to make it happen.

 

Thanks. I am intrigued. How did you meet your girlfriend? I'd love to read the story. Pm me if you prefer. I guess i feel i am not showy and by comparison maybe come off more boring than some other girls. Or Maybe the last guy i liked was wrong for me.

[turnera]

I think guys will like you just fine.

 

The problem is that if you sit in your apartment or your work cubicle all the time, how is any man going to meet you?

[HansonGirl]

I think guys will like you just fine.

 

The problem is that if you sit in your apartment or your work cubicle all the time, how is any man going to meet you?

Thanks. :-)

Very good point. I will make a point to do things withpeople. Perhaps pursuing an interest. Ill meet like-minded people

[lchf]

Thanks. I am intrigued. How did you meet your girlfriend? I'd love to read the story. Pm me if you prefer. I guess i feel i am not showy and by comparison maybe come off more boring than some other girls. Or Maybe the last guy i liked was wrong for me.

 

PM's arent enabled for some reason. Well I met her in Australia after I moved to study there from Johannesburg. I was in a stage of my life wanting to improve every aspect of my life and social circles was one of them. I met her in my university. We met through a mutual friend. We ended up being friends for a good 6 months before we actually started hanging out romantically. I wasn't a big party guy but at 19/20 most girls were so I made an effort just to go out and meet as many people as I could, many of whom were her friends who encouraged me to try my luck with her. Was a very big adjustment for me, but when you spend thousands of dollars to travel and study I thought I'd make the most of it. I wasn't great with girls at that point, kept getting friendzoned pretty hard at that age (24 now).

 

Over time I just pushed myself to talk to a bunch of girls, her included. I guess she gathered I wasn't interested so we hung out more and more after 6 months of knowing her just as friends, although I eventually hooked up with her but got friendzoned after. After a few weeks of NC she proclaimed her feelings and we eventually became exclusive. Took it slow at first but we're 3/3.5 years together

[turnera]

One thing I always recommend is finding something to volunteer with. Animals, kids, food banks, Habitat for Humanity...whatever. It helps someone else, you meet other people there who are also good people, you're working side by side so you get to talk to them without it being awkward, you'll see them fairly often so you can get to know people.

 

And who knows, one of them, even if they're not a match for you, if they know you're single, might hook you up with a friend or family member. My DD25 has a wonderful boyfriend, and they met when her friend lined up a blind date with her husband's best friend. DD's first and only blind date, and he just happened to be amazing. They've been together 1 1/2 years now.

[lchf]

^ also good advice. I also find OP that immersing yourself in something you love and finding like minded people is one of the best ways to meet new people, especially things that are high energy like martial arts etc, but it can really be anything.

[HansonGirl]

PM's arent enabled for some reason. Well I met her in Australia after I moved to study there from Johannesburg. I was in a stage of my life wanting to improve every aspect of my life and social circles was one of them. I met her in my university. We met through a mutual friend. We ended up being friends for a good 6 months before we actually started hanging out romantically. I wasn't a big party guy but at 19/20 most girls were so I made an effort just to go out and meet as many people as I could, many of whom were her friends who encouraged me to try my luck with her. Was a very big adjustment for me, but when you spend thousands of dollars to travel and study I thought I'd make the most of it. I wasn't great with girls at that point, kept getting friendzoned pretty hard at that age (24 now).

 

Over time I just pushed myself to talk to a bunch of girls, her included. I guess she gathered I wasn't interested so we hung out more and more after 6 months of knowing her just as friends, although I eventually hooked up with her but got friendzoned after. After a few weeks of NC she proclaimed her feelings and we eventually became exclusive. Took it slow at first but we're 3/3.5 years together

 

Why did she friend zone you at first? Did she like you that whole time? Was it awkward after you made a move?

[HansonGirl]

One thing I always recommend is finding something to volunteer with. Animals, kids, food banks, Habitat for Humanity...whatever. It helps someone else, you meet other people there who are also good people, you're working side by side so you get to talk to them without it being awkward, you'll see them fairly often so you can get to know people.

 

And who knows, one of them, even if they're not a match for you, if they know you're single, might hook you up with a friend or family member. My DD25 has a wonderful boyfriend, and they met when her friend lined up a blind date with her husband's best friend. DD's first and only blind date, and he just happened to be amazing. They've been together 1 1/2 years now.

 

I like that idea. I already met one guy through volunteering before but i wasnt remotely attracted to him.

[lchf]

Why did she friend zone you at first? Did she like you that whole time? Was it awkward after you made a move?

 

She apparently thought of me as more of a close friend at the time, although she admits it was a confusing time for her, but I told her that couldn't happen as long as I was attracted to her, and after I NC'd she started developing feelings, and things started moving from there. It was kinda awkward, probably wasn't my smoothest moment haha

Edited September 30, 2015 by lchf

[HansonGirl]

She apparently thought of me as more of a close friend at the time, although she admits it was a confusing time for her, but I told her that couldn't happen as long as I was attracted to her, and after I NC'd she started developing feelings, and things started moving from there. It was kinda awkward, probably wasn't my smoothest moment haha

 

interesting... so you told her your feelings and she said sorry i view you as a friend? or how did she respond? and that's weird about the DM, i'd like to send you one, but what the heck. I added you to my "contacts" - does that do anyhing?

[lchf]

interesting... so you told her your feelings and she said sorry i view you as a friend? or how did she respond? and that's weird about the DM, i'd like to send you one, but what the heck. I added you to my "contacts" - does that do anyhing?

 

Checking the FAQ you need to be an established member for PM's to be enabled, but I'm not sure how that happens so I'll just post here.

 

I never really explicitly told her I liked her but she definitely knew I liked her and was interested. But yes pretty much she told me a week after hooking up that she saw me as a friend. I was gutted but didn't go for the "let's just be friends" bit. NC definitely helped a lot in this situation. I assumed she had eyes for other guys because there were heaps of dudes wanting to get in her pants. It just so happened that we reconnected after a few weeks

[MoreAmore]

I'm an introvert.

 

I can count the number of times I've worn any makeup in the last year on both hands. I take some selfies but usually I think they are stupid. I do update Facebook though jokes or observations more than photos. and I do have somewhat of a social life that I balance with my need for lots of alone time. (Not bars... More like group hikes, running races, or bicycling rides... Some geeky meetups when I can manage.

 

I've never had a shortage of male attention, and most comment on his I am not caught up in the ridiculous pop culture.

 

There's a lot of guys who like introverts... Though they do need a chance to see you.

 

My boyfriend now, for example, I met at one of those races. My ex fiancé before him I met at a running group. My ex husband before him I did meet online and he was the extrovert of the bunch. It worked fine.

[Just Write]

There's nothing wrong with being introverted. My social circle is made up of three close friends and my brother. I get out to a movie with any one of them about once a month, and that pretty much comprises my entire social life at the moment.

 

Like you, I realize I need to get out more to meet people, but also (apparently?) like you, I enjoy being alone. I sometimes don't know if I really want to have a girlfriend at all. The companionship and intimacy would obviously be nice, but I'm so used to only having to look after myself at this point that the thought of having to serve at the whims of someone else seems pretty burdensome. I guess I worry that I've become too selfish to even have a healthy relationship anymore.

 

Anyway, to your question: I would absolutely go for an introverted girl, as would most guys, I'd wager. But I'd go for an extrovert, too. Personality and physical attraction would be the biggest factor, and while being extroverted or introverted is obviously a part of one's personality, it isn't a defining one, in my opinion. As others have already said, then, you just need to get out there, meet some guys, and show them what you have to offer. Easier said than done, I know, but I doubt anyone who's truly interested in you would turn you down just because you don't have a thousand friends on Facebook.

 

And on that note, I don't even use Facebook. Never have, and I don't imagine I ever will. It just seems like a complete waste of time to me, so I can kind of relate to your apathy towards it.

[GunslingerRoland]

It seems like you've made up your mind that guys like someone who is exact opposite of you in every way. I'm pretty sure most guys don't really care if you don't have a huge number of friends. And if you are naturally good looking I'm sure they don't care if you wear a ton of makeup.

 

If you don't want to put up selfies, you shouldn't feel obligated. But it is what girl's in your generation do, so don't feel like you are trying too hard if you want to put up the occasional one. You seem to feel stuck no matter what you do, you want to put up more pictures because you think that's what the guys want, but you don't want to because they'll think you are trying too hard.

 

I think you need to relax and be yourself a little bit more... you'll need to come out of your shell a bit in life, but you are, who you are and it will not keep you from dating, unless you decide it has to.

[Miss Peach]

I'm an introvert too. I pushed myself to do something social at least once per week. I went to do meetups that interested me so that even if I didn't meet anyone the activity would be fun for me. I also kept an online dating profile up while single.

 

Just the activities alone were enough to build a social circle of acquaintances but I am not really open bringing people I don't know very well into my world so I still have one three real people I would consider friends.

 

Also I met a log of single guys who asked me out at the meetups and via online dating. I've met a few guys who thought I was hard to read but that is the extent that I've heard anything negative about being an introvert.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Miss Peach