I need some help here

[jmargel]

Some people I know here and value their opinion quite a bit. I hope you can reply to my message. Right now I am so upset I'm gonna try to keep this short as possible.

 

Basically my wife was involved before being with me with an ex-bf for a number of years. He mistreated her. We were friends for a year and became a couple. Got married last august. Like every marriage we have our ups and downs.

 

Her dad & me don't get along, bascially due to him being so close to her ex and the way he treats people. He has actually assaulted me already. Since then he asked my wife to join his pool team. Long story short I just found out by a co-worker who was at the same building monday night where they shot pool that her ex is also on the team. I asked her if he was going to be on it and she said no. She lied to me. My co-worker said those two didnt sit near each other and he only helped her out when she played. That doesn't matter to me, what she is doing is disrespectful. She told me her dad doesn't want me at the matches because of the turmoil between us. Well I knew he was going to try to break us up, but it is also my wife's decision too.

 

I called her very upset here at work. She admitted she lied to me because the way 'I would act'. Like its my fault! She then said when I come home I should let her know 'What I want to do'. But that's she's not leaving the team because she likes to be on it and it's a commitment. Well hello, what about our marriage commitment? I told her on the phone I am not tolerating this and she's like well then I will make plans to move out. I'm still in shock. My gut instinct was that something was up, she lied to me in the past. However I thought 'I was being paranoid' as she would tell me. She also told me it was easy to lie to me and that what I don't know won't hurt me. That is scaring me.

 

I believe she is ready to walk and I am not about to tolerate this. She blames all her unhappiness on me. Yet I know I am not the cause. I love her so deeply that I just don't know what to do. I know I give alot of advice on here and I know I should follow my own. She told me she knows in her heart that she loves me and this shouldn't make a difference. To me that's not showing it. I'm not going to have her hang out with her ex every week shooting pool. I'm afraid I am about to lose my wife. She won't goto counseling anymore since 'Im the one that has issues'. I know it's not me. Please give some advice.

[Merin]

Damn Jmargel, I'm sorry

 

You know already this is not about a pool team.. I cannot believe your Wife would give up her marriage over a pool team.

 

There is something else going on.. it would be a compromise (if this was the real issue) for you to attend the games with her (even if her Dad doesn't like it) BUT I get the feeling even if you suggested this, she wouldn't be all about it, because again.. there is something else of a more serious nature going on with her..

 

I hope you will be able to talk with her and get whatever issues there are out on the table...

[Artifact]

Oh no, jmargel! I hope that she wouldn't walk out because of something like this! That makes it look like there is some other more troubling issue in your relationship than a lie about a pool team.

 

I understand why she said that she was afraid to tell you about seeing her ex in the first place (still NO EXCUSE) but now that you know, why doesn't she just want to talk it over and move on? I would hope she would be rational and say "Geez, it was a super huge mistake not telling you sooner. I felt awful lying and will never let fear keep me from talking to you about anything ever again."

 

Can't she join another team? Or could you go along to tournaments and cheer her on now that she is no longer lying to keep you away? If you trust her, why not let her still practice with her team, and join her when you can. (I'm not sure hovering over her will make this any smoother though. You have to trust her.)

 

Something else that caught my eye- how is she blaming her unhappiness on you? Has she been unhappy up until now also?

[TUDOR]

Originally posted by jmargel

She also told me it was easy to lie to me and that what I don't know won't hurt me. That is scaring me.

 

That had to be one of the hardest things to hear from your wife and I really feel for ya! My wife is an over reactor to most disputes or arguments and her first thought is that we getting divorced over it. The first thing to do is to calm the situation down so that you both aren't saying things you will regret later. I know its hard to check your emotions considering the subject matter but you have to approach her calmly and collectively right now in order to get her to do the same.

 

In order to get her to see what she is doing to you it might be best not to take the "I won't tolerate it" approach. I wouldn't tolerate it either but in order to get her to see how she is hurting you and disrespecting your marriage you can't go at her on the offensive. Just keep the talking going and try to present some solutions instead of just stating the problems. Good luck!

[JadeStar]

Dang jmargel, sorry to hear all this. I have to agree with Merin, this goes deeper than the whole pool team thing. Did you notice any other attitude changes in her bfore the pool thing came about? I really don't know what to say, except hang in there.

 

 

 

Jade

[jmargel]

Like I said she is taking the approach that this is 'my' problem. I just wrote her a long email because otherwise I would end up yelling at her when I got home. I don't want to do that.

 

Yes it is hard to hear these things from her. For the past month I was dreading this whole pool thing. She's saying it a combination of problems at home. Which is BS. Yes we quabble but it doesn't last more than a day. We also have great times together, quite a few. Its almost like she wants to live the single life again.

 

She didn't even apologize to me for lying. She told me on the phone she doesn't care. I know she acts on emotion but my god.. How can you be so cold to your own husband? I never hit her or tried to control her. Last week she was upset because we made arrangements to go out with my mom for mother's day. At the last minute she didn't want to go because she was tired. That upset me because I knew something like this was going to happen. I told her I wanted her to go. She got irate and wanted to leave. I stood in front of the door and told her I wasn't letting her leave until she calmed down some. She then decided to leave by going out the dining room window, which is a 3-4 ft. drop. As she got out she sprained her ankle really bad and had to goto the hosp. She blamed all that on me that I was forcing her to stay and I caused her injury.

 

Its things like that, that make me feel like a bad person. She just doesn't say it, she believes it. Her dad re-enforces this with her.

 

What do I say to her when I get home? How can I express my feelings to her without making things worse? I just can't or won't tolerate her doing this to me. I just don't want to lose her.

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh J-

 

I got tears in my eyes when I read this. I know how much you love this woman, it was evident in your earlier conversation about how much you hurt for her over her dad, I remember that post.

 

You give so much good advice here. I am shocked that she would give up her marriage over her inability to stand up to her father! She would rather give you up than a pool game? That itself speaks of some serious issues that she has.

 

Do you think something could be going on with this guy? Wasn't it you whose wife had been with an abusive guy and had also lost a baby?? If so, is this the same guy??

 

Only you know what's truly going on. Perhaps she will calm down and not be so reactive to this issue when she gets home.

 

You need to stand your ground though. I wouldn't tolerate her playing pool with this guy- regardless. I also wouldn't tolerate any more lies.

 

I'm sorry hon- I'll send up a little prayer for you! Keep us updated!

[JadeStar]

You probably know this, but shes transferring or projecting her guilt or feelings of something over on to you, thats why shes shifting the blame or placing the blame on you for things.

 

I would sit down and talk with her and just tell her how much you love her and want things to work out, BUT, that you can't make her stay in the relationship if she doesn't wont too. In other words don't beg or plead with her to tell you whats really going on or to stay etc. I think not only does her dad have some major influence over her, but possibly her team pool friend as well. They have confused her.

 

 

Jade

[New_Wife]

JMargel (sorry if I spelled that wrong).

 

First off, and before I go any further - I feel horrible for what you are going through. That would tear anyone up.

 

I may be like your wife in some small way - that is, if someone were to tell me what I couldn't do, or what they wouldn't "let" me do - all logic be damned - I'm gonna do it. I had to suppress a laugh at your wife going out the window - because to read someone else behave that way it looks ridiculous, yet I know I'd do the same thing. That doesn't make her actions right (regarding the ex, father or pool) - I just wanted to let you know that there are those of us out there who have some sort of knee-jerk reaction to perceived control.

 

Do you think that you try to hold on more when you feel like you are loosing control & she then fights back more? Sort of like holding water in a plastic bag? I hope I didn't say that all wrong - I don't think she is behaving well at all in regards to the sanctity and respect of your marraige. But I wonder, reading all of that, if communication styles aren't really fouling the original problem up even worse?

 

You always tell folks to go to marraige counseling - and I think you're right on with that advice every time. I think that advice would work here.

 

Her comments about "I know how you'd react" could more realistically be stated "I know how anyone would react" because the situation is disrespectful at best with the ex and the father.

 

The only advice, I guess that I have, is your own - marraige counseling. And to watch the "control" conversation as best you can

 

I wish you the best

[jmargel]

Jade.. I know you are right. Her dad was abusive to her when she was a child, never there for her. She was always a private person and granted I havent been giving her alot of space and it's because she lied to me in the past and part of me is very insecure about our marriage.

 

This is the email I wrote.

 

When I get home I have to take Shelby to the vets for bloodwork. If you

want to come it's upto you. Right now I am still in shock. Terry mentioned

that he didn't see you sitting next to him but that he left at 10:00.

 

You know how much I love you. How much you mean to me and how much I need

you in my life. You said I didn't trust you before but I did. I never

checked your phone like you mentioned last night nor do I think bad things

are happening when you aren't around. I trust you because I respect & love

you.

 

Saying that it was easy to lie to me and what I don't know won't hurt me,

crushed me. That's not you Brandy. I'm tired of analyzing everything in

our marriage. I just want us to be with each other through bad & good

times. Without the interference of your family or your ex.

 

Your dad doesn't like me for some reasons. However him lying to me like

that and you was wrong. That hurts, alot. I don't deserve that from

anyone. I haven't cheated on you or mistreated you. Yes I did a stupid

thing here & there but nothing to intentionally hurt you. View me as

controlling if you want but any husband would feel the same way in this

situation. You have to decide on what you want. Your happiness means

everything to me and I know you are happy playing pool with your dad and I

want you to bond with him. But having your ex in the picture is a mixture

for trouble even if you have good intentions. It's not fair to me in all of

this. Brandy I would do anything for you but I can't be in a marriage where

you are going to place me in the backseat when it comes to your ex.

 

You need to be honest with me, and tell me the truth about everything. That

is why I trust you. How can I if you won't? Your dad's side paints such a

negative vibe on me and it seems like you feel the same way at times.

Having to find this out by a co-worker is the worst feeling in the world.

Another person that was there who worked with terry came in and talked with

me. He said from looking at you he had an idea who you were and that you

were married to me, yet he also knew him. He was wondering why you were

there with him.

 

I don't contact ex's and it's not because I hate them. It's because I only

want you in my life and out of respect for you. Right now I just have a mix

of emotions. I know you didn't cheat on me and I'm not accusing you. But

whatever problems we have between us, which compared to alot of others out

there aren't that big & can be fixed, will only be compounded by your ex

being in the picture. Like I said before seems like every couple of months

something happens. That's why I'm insecure and scared of losing you and why

I hang on so tight at times.

 

You need to do what's right in your heart. Your dad lied to you the whole

time, why didn't he get someone else on the team? Yes I am rambling because

I am upset but this is the only way to vent out what I feel right now

without shouting. You want me to be secure, then you need to show me that.

You need to stop lying. If you want to run away and move out and think

that's going to solve your problems thats upto you. But I know that won't

solve anything. The only way any problems between us will be fixed is with

better communication and respect.

 

I want to work this out with you but I would hope you can come to the

conclusion that our marriage means more to you than anything. That you

would at least talk to your dad about getting another person to take his

place or start another team with your dad without your ex.

 

I'll talk to you when I get home.

 

Love,

 

Jeff

 

 

I just have a bad feelings about all of this. That this isn't going to turn out good. It's like watching a car wreck happening. You want to stop something bad that's going to happen but don't know how. I just feel.. so.. unloved.

[TUDOR]

For what its worth I think your letter was good and made some excellent points that I will be curious to see how she responds to. You are taking the right approach and saying the right things and that is very commendable. Hang in there.

[Mz. Pixie]

J-

 

Take a deep breath.

 

Rather than hurt you should be a little angry- you will probably get to that part later.

 

I think the e mail sounded good. Whatever you do- do not beg or plead with her. That's only going to push her the other direction.

 

She is not acting trustworthy so why should she be surprised when you're insecure?? I wouldn't even call it insecure. You're just asking her to be respectful of the marriage. This is NOT someone that she should be having contact with, period. You are not wrong to ask her not to do this.

 

You need to be firm while continuing to reinforce the fact that you love her and that this is not a big problem to work through but as far as you're concerned her actions were unacceptable!

[New_Wife]

Again, I think I'm a bit like your wife in some ways. If you don't mind - please allow me to explain how my husband deals with me when I'm being unreasonable. He uses the "broken record" approach, and he talks to me like a snarling but dangerous animal. It sounds funny, but he talks in a calm quiet tone, and he just repeats things to me. He listens, don't get me wrong - I'm not keen on being patronized either - but looking back on our fights when I've gone loopy over something stupid (and usually unrelated to him), he'll calmly say "I know you're upset, Baby & I want to work this out. Let's figure out how we can do that."

 

Sometimes I'll stomp around and huff and puff and act like an idiot for a bit first, but after a while his mood and tone become contagious and I'll calm down and we talk. Now, sometimes he goes off the deep end too - I'm not the only loon in our marraige - but that doesn't apply here.

 

We did, however, go to counseling before we were married & I think that's part of how we do manage to communicate when things are iffy. That and, so far, we've been lucky enough to go sideways on different issues at different times so we're not both heated at the same time.

 

I may be wrong about any similarities between your wife and I. I wish I could put my husband on here to tell you "Okay, this is how I deal with my nutso bride..." but he's sleeping right now (works nights).

[JadeStar]

You are a good person, and her dad is intimidated by you, thats probably why he may not like you. He probably feels too, that you are taking the place of what hes been trying to make up for all these years with being abusive to her. Meaning he wants to do good, be good to her etc, but you are there bascially standing in his way. Sorry didn't mean to get side tracked off on her dad, but back to the situation with her. I think your email was loving and heartfelt no doubt. Shes crazy if she can't see what she means to you. Hopefully she will agree to some marriage counseling. Has she ever been to any kind of individual counseling for herself, as far as what happened in her childhood? I know sometimes things will carry over from childhood over into adulthood if not properly delt with. Just wondering. Hang in there.

 

 

 

Jade

[jmargel]

Thing is.. she lied to me before about this. Two months after we were married she met up with him to talk. One time she told me about it, the other I found out from her cell phone when she came home. She tells me she thinks of him as a friend, which to me is very big warning signs. I have been loved and mistreated by her. She has major anger problems and is on anti-depression meds. But she has been on them for 2 years so they lost their effectiveness. She hasn't gone to a dr. to get them changed, because she initally took it for her IBS problem.

 

When I went to counseling the counselor told her she was being abusive by the way she was verbally treating me. It's like an emotional roller coaster with her. Days would go by great then out of the blue disaster happens. I know how it feels to lose someone you love, I lost my ex-fiancee 5 years back. I don't want to lose my wife. I won't plead for her to stay. I just wish someone could wave a magic wand and wake her up to see what's really going on, on how much I really hurt.

 

It just hurts so much because I show her I love her everyday. I know she's not the affectionate type but I feel more like a bother to her than a husband at times. She was so sweet to me 2 days before. Now I know why. I am not going to yell or shout at her but I am going to have to give her tough love. Yes right now I am more hurt than angry. If I could cry I would but I'm at work. There's just no way I can let her do this. I will be living on pins & needles every monday night. It's not fair to me. Her saying 'You tell me what you want to do' is her way of me ending this marriage so she can leave guilt free. I won't do that. If she wants to leave she has to make that choice. I think she will make it when I tell her I won't put up with this and then think that I still made that choice for her to leave. Though it was her choice in this by what she has been doing.

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by jmargel

...when I tell her I won't put up with this and then think that I still made that choice for her to leave. Though it was her choice in this by what she has been doing.

 

Just a suggestion: instead of "I won't put up with this." maybe: "This is something I can't accept. I would never ask you to accept me shutting you out while I played games with an ex, I can't believe you really would ask it of me."

 

I agree - it is her choice. And if you put the ball in her court with your words - which is where the ball belongs.

 

Your feelings are dead-on accurate - you should not be asked to put up with such crap. No one should. My suggestion is just to reconsider the delivery.

[CurlyIam]

Hi, Jeff

 

I have only read your first post and Merin's answer - I confess I didn't make it till the letter. From your previous posts, I remember that ths is not the first time she sneaks up onto seeing her ex. So it's not that new. This time she engaged herself in an activity that involves her ex and lied to you about it.

 

 

Lately I've been doing a few reading and came along an article about the Stockholm syndrome. It's about people that have been abused - physically and that develop emotional connections with thier abusers. They give the example of an 18 years old kidnapped by a driffter, found 6 months later running around with him.

 

I may be wrong here, but this is my theory: your fiancée has always been abused. By her father as a child, by her ex as a grown woman. She's been abused all her life. I know it sounds horrible to hear it, but some people get addicted to it. They need the drama, they need to feel... bad, either emotionally or physically. You don't entertain her, Jeff. that's why she keeps going back. she's drown to her old way of living - you said you felt like she wanted to be single again. She got this used to being abused that she cannot feel like living unless she is abused.

 

 

This is ALL her problem. You can point it to her, show it to her, draw it to her. But you cannot fix it for her. As far as the ex is concerned, he's been around all your relationship. As I see it, you've got 2 choices here:

 

1. you get used to him being in your life as a couple, as her friend

2. you tell her he has to get lost because three is a crowd.

 

 

Either way, Jeff, her dad had NO business preventing you from assisting her pool matches. If he doesn't like you that much, than he has to keep his abusing butt at home. If you accept her ex into your wife's life, you have to be ready to fight for her. Accompany her everywhere, etc etc.

 

As for your relationship, you cannot save it on your own. It takes 2 to have a relationship in the first place. Punish her. Hurt her, Jeff. I'm sorry, that what she wants and craves. Make scenes, throw her stuff down the window, DOMINATE her. Make her want to stay in this relationship. Because if she wants to leave, not even wild horses can prevent you from it. And you... you stop trying this hard. She's simply enjoying the dramma now, I don't think she ever intended t move out. And if she does move out, point her the truth. That she's giving up YOUR MARRIAGE for a f*cking pool team. Humiliate her, Jeff. Make her feel worthless. 'cause that's the way she's acting.

 

 

 

My 2 cents, anyway,

 

Curly

[JadeStar]

"I will be living on pins and needles evey Monday night. Its not fair to me."

 

You're right, its not fair to you. The choice is up to her, however, if she doesn't make her choice and things still go on like they are, you may have to make it for her. I'm so sorry about all this, it sucks!

 

 

 

Jade

[tokyo]

Hm, it's a nice sincere letter, but somehow I don't believe it will reach her. I think she does know that she's doing something wrong. She's aware that she's complying to her dad's wishes thus hurting yours. She also knows instincitvely that you like her too much to really let her go and that she can hurt you, push you away and blame all the guilt on you, because you will suck it up and still try to talk to her.

 

I don't think she will show much reaction to your email. She's too stubborn to admit any guilt right now, also you make it too easy for her by telling her how much you appreciate her and that you want to fight for the relationship. I suggest that next time when she dismisses your approaches to talk with her about this, you will only tell her that you will respect her wishes for more space. Tell her that you don't agree with her way of handling the situation and that when she feels ready to talk with you about it that you will be there. She'll probably won't know what to do on her own and she will start to wonder what will happen when you are not in her life anymore. That's when she will come to you in order to talk things over. I'm pretty sure that she loves you as much as you love her, but right now, you're doing everything for her. She's like a spoiled child that needs some borders and it's you who has to set the borders for her.

 

When she wants to talk with you, be nice and firm, don't start with any kind of retaliation or anything to make her feel worse, that's only going to cause resentments. Imagine you're a parent who had to deal with a difficult child that has calmed down finally and has finally gained some insight.

 

I can imagine that it sucks big time to stay calm and endure the pain she inflicts on you, but if you want to save your marriage, there's not much that you can do. If you start to overreact and smother her with your pleas to talk to you, you will drive her away and you also take away any incentive for her to rethink her old patterns. Take a step back and let this spoiled child calm down. Throwing fits or pressurizing her to do something will just make her believe that she was right to lie to you, that you are the one who forces her to do all these things, because you don't give her enough freedom. Take away any reason she can have to resent you. It's not fair that you have to carry the bigger burden at the moment, but I guess, when you deal with a partner who has suffered abuse, you must carry a bit more than you would do in a normal relationship.

[Mz. Pixie]

CurlyIam has made some good points here, Jeff.

 

As I came from an abusive background I believe there is some truth to this. Although it's never really applied to me I can see that after my mom died and the abused ended I didn't quite know how to act without all the drama. Luckily for me it was a relief.

 

I feel for your wife. I have IBS too due to the abuse I suffered. I cannot imagine why she doesn't want to get as far away from that as she can. I did! However, just because I feel for her does not mean that I think she can use this as an excuse to pitch hissy fits and such portraying herself as the victim!

 

Tough love is in order here.

 

She would chose this guys friendship and pool over her husband? Something is not right here.

[tiki]

Okay, marriage is about "even forsaking all others". WTF is she doing???? Has she lost her mind??? She's got some other, deeper issues to tend to, definitely.

 

But look at it, it's simple.

 

She can:

 

A. Quit the pool team

B. Let you come, and hang

 

Those are her options.

 

You are her husband. She is OBLIGATED TO YOU...not some other man. Whether that other man be her ex-boyfriend, her father, whoever!!!

 

Consider having her read your post and these responses. She's gotta snap out of this bullsh*t. Sheesh.

 

She needs to wake up and be a wife.

 

Then you guys can both tackle 'your' problems, if they so exist.

[quankanne]

a lot of good points were raised here, JM, but the one that sticks out most in my mind is the the one conjecturing she needs drama to feel worthy because that's what past relationships were based on. She wants you to blow your top and tell her what to do (possibly even force behavior from you).

 

however, because you're one of the good guys, you don't play it like that. Maybe you should take her up on her issue to "tell me what to do": Tell her you love her, that your marriage is important to you as is her happiness. However, she needs to decide what the hell she wants from you, and if it's marriage, then she needs to do things to strengthen it, not cripple it.

 

her not telling you about the ex on the team was childish, but I can't say I haven't done the same thing (omitting or soft-pedaling information just so I wouldn't have to get fussed at by DH) ... maybe it's time to empower her by telling her you know that she's going to make decisions that will upset you, but you'd much rather know about them, then find out about them after the fact. Especially when it deals with sensitive issues like her dad or her ex.

 

the wild card here is your wife: you've always been a level-headed guy in your posts, and I get the feeling that you are open to compromise when it's healthy to a relationship. As much as she's trying to put it back on you for your response to this latest news about the team and her ex, she really needs to continue couples counselling so that y'all both have the tools needed to communicate, rather than her expect you to be the angry, demanding authority figure in the relationship.

 

I wish you the best of luck ~ sometimes things can seem so dismal when the other person surprises us by offering up a workable solution or idea.

 

quank

[whichwayisup]

Its things like that, that make me feel like a bad person. She just doesn't say it, she believes it. Her dad re-enforces this with her.

 

What do I say to her when I get home? How can I express my feelings to her without making things worse? I just can't or won't tolerate her doing this to me. I just don't want to lose her.

 

Ouch JM, I feel for you on this one.

 

Unfortunately she takes alot of what her father says to heart. He has waaay too much influence on her and at this stage in her life, he should not have that control over her. He's totally manipulating her and she's allowing it as she's terrified to stand up to him...And again, unfortunately, that involves the EXboyfriend. The fact that she is aware of ALL the problems he has caused and the Ex as well - (I remember reading some things from your previous posts about the fights.) and isn't willing to DO anything about it says even more she's not thinking clearly...Or isn't capable of it now.

 

She needs IC as well as marriage councilling. I'm very sorry to hear that she won't go. That's a big mistake on her behalf.

 

Solutions? Go with her (as much as you hate the EX and her Dad) to the Pool games. Just include yourself in it. If she doesn't like it, then she has to quit...She can join some other team - NOT that particular team.

 

Sorry you're feeling hurt. Don't give up J! Keep on telling her you love her and need her in your life. Don't let her walk out the door.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

I may be wrong here, but this is my theory: your fiancée has always been abused. By her father as a child, by her ex as a grown woman. She's been abused all her life. I know it sounds horrible to hear it, but some people get addicted to it. They need the drama, they need to feel... bad, either emotionally or physically. You don't entertain her, Jeff. that's why she keeps going back. she's drown to her old way of living - you said you felt like she wanted to be single again. She got this used to being abused that she cannot feel like living unless she is abused.

 

Sad, but very likely to be true. I have also experienced something like this. Your wife sounds emotionally unstable, probably as a result of living with someone like the abusive guy (the one she now plays pool with every week). Also, the roller-coaster you describe sounds a lot like bipolar disorder. Often, abused people end up being diagnosed with that after being subjected to years or abuse. I don't know if your wife is or not, but it may be a possibility.

 

If you have read any of my posts before, you have seen me say "they always go back". I think that 95% of the time, this is true. Your wife's father is buddies with the abusive guy (and is apparently an abusive guy himself), and he is doing everything in his power to break up your marriage, and get her back with the guy "she should be with" in his mind. Make no mistake, our wife's father IS the enemy. Unfortunately, you can't say that to her so directly.

 

My bet would be that your wife is probably thinking about getting close to abusive guy again. The whole "...it [is] easy to lie to [you] and that what [you] don't know won't hurt [you]" thing is her way of soothing her conscience, as absurd as that sounds (and has a secondary purpose of hopefully provoking you into starting more drama, or acting out). At least she warned you (in her mind), right - that she was going to lie to you, and that there would be things you wouldn't know, and that is how it is? She may even throw that back in your face at some point, as a point in her favor (strange, I know, but very probable). She knows what she is likely to do, and what is likely to happen if she hangs with her ex and her dad playing matchmaker once a week, in an environment where you are not allowed to attend.

 

At this point, I think you have to ask yourself how much of this you want. How long do you want to play the game? Oh, and it is most definately a game. She is playing it because it is all she has done for years with abusive guy, and she sees no reason to be different with you. She learned how to lie when she was with him because she had to, and now she will use that on you at will. What curly said about her craving the drama, and the game, is also probably right. She wants you to be more entertaining, and she misses the sick mindgames she and her abusive guy used to play with each other. This is her way of pushing you over the edge (or trying to), in subsconsious hopes that you will do whatever it is that her abusive guy would have done in a similarly disrespectful situation (such as yell at her, hit her, worse, whatever). You are not an abusive jerk, so you won't, and as a result, she will probably leave you. Oh, she doesn't really want those things to happen to her, but there is a part of her that is so screwed up from that happening all those years, that part of her subconsciously probably does.

 

I have been where you are. She wasn't my wife, but the situation was somewhat parallel, and well, I finally gave up. I told her the games had to stop, and she had to tell me what she was GOING to do (not what she "planned" to do, or what she "had intentions" of doing, or anything else with equivocal vague language about what she WAS going to do with regard to me, verses abussive guy). She ran back into his arms, while calling me every so often to profess her love, plan on leaving him, and then never followed through. Like I said, I finally gave up.

 

Remember, most of them go back to be abused some more. I wish you luck that she is one of the exceptions, but from the things she is saying, it doesn't look too good. Before she can be an exception, she has to not only know the truth, but want to see it, and find a way to appreciate you and the nice way that you treat her, rather than just thinking of you as weak, and not providing the drama she wants.

 

SHE needs counseling. You BOTH need marriage counseling. But then, since she already so obviously knows she is in the wrong, it is doubtful she will agree to either of those going forward, at least not to deal with her abusive ex and father situation.

 

Is she cheating on you with abusive guy? Don't know. Is she thinking about it? Oh yeah - you just aren't dangerous and exciting enough. Is she likely to do so if this situation continues? Unfortunately, yes.

 

I had to sit back and decide who I was. I'm quite sure that if I had simply abused her, she would have not gone back to abusive guy, but then, that is not who I am, and not who I want to be. You don't either. Be true to yourself, and do everything reasonable to try to save your marriage, but acknowledge that this really may not work out.

 

Letting her read this thread might also not be a terrible idea, but only if she is not in super-destructive, I am doing what I am doing, heck with you mode (you know the mood I'm talking about).

[CurlyIam]

OMG, WithOrWithoutYou, this is Exactly what I was thinking. My thoughts exactly:

 

Your wife's father is buddies with the abusive guy (and is apparently an abusive guy himself), and he is doing everything in his power to break up your marriage;

 

Sooo true:

 

She knows what she is likely to do, and what is likely to happen if she hangs with her ex and her dad playing matchmaker once a week, in an environment where you are not allowed to attend.

 

I do agree she wants this:

 

This is her way of pushing you over the edge (or trying to), in subsconsious hopes that you will do whatever it is that her abusive guy would have done in a similarly disrespectful situation (such as yell at her, hit her, worse, whatever).

 

And most of all this: SHE needs counseling. You BOTH need marriage counseling. And in order for this to work, she needs to cut off the environment. Completely. Never EVER the ex, or her father. Never. And make her see a psychologist also. She's not well, Jeff. Not well at all.