I need some help here

[jmargel]

Otter, I know what you mean. Some of the symptoms that show BPD she doesn't have, alot she does. I'm not a professional so I can't make that diagnosis. It's just good to know in some ways that these aren't just bad traits that she has as a person without any hope for help.

 

Lilmoma, she never said she doesn't have feelings for me. She loves me. She's told me before that he is just a friend. Still, that in itself bothers me. I mean, I don't hate my ex and I would be friendly to her but I would not make a conscious effort to "be friends" with her. That is where lies the difference.

 

She knows how I feel about things and if she choose to ignore my feelings and puts this marriage on the backburner then it's her loss. If it were to happen, I know in a few years she'll be coming back to me apologizing and asking for forgiveness like my ex did. It took her 3 years, then one day out of the blue she showed up on my doorstep wanting to talk. It was nice to finally hear that she took responsibility for what happened between us, however it was way too late. That's something I don't want to happen with my wife. I'd really like her to find out all of this now about herself before it's too late.

 

As you can tell, I will be on edge tomorrow, since they have their match. I mentioned to Kelly my problems (Brandy doesn't know) and at first she was like everyone else here. 'You need to trust her, she is your wife, let her come to you'. After knowing what happened last Wed. she just let out a sigh. BTW, I have NO attraction towards this Kelly. She was just a ex co-worker I knew a few years back. Last monday she was at the one bar I went to while my wife shot pool at another place. We talked some & I told her what was up when she asked me how we were doing.

 

Brandy has told me before that she gets very competitive when it comes to other women. But yet I have to tolerate what's going on. I really don't know how this whole summer is going to pan out. I ran into a friend of hers while she was working Sat. night and talked to her some about what was going on as well. Brandy used to work with her & was quite good friends but lost touch since she lives 50 miles away now. I told her Brandy doesn't have many people to talk to except her dad. She said that she was going to call her sometime soon and to try to get back talking with her. So I'm hoping she might be able to be there for her.

 

I also rely on God, asking him to help guide her. I still feel like things are slowly slipping away. It's almost like I expect it to happen and preparing myself for it. I know that's not good but it's hard to keep a positive attitude when this seems to never end.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

PUKE PUKE PUKE I just read this post from start to finish. Jeff, don't take this personally, but I think you are a controlling jerk.

 

You harbor resentment, still make an issue of her ex (it's been what....3 years???), always trying to tell her there is something wrong with her because of her past, and trying to "fix" her.

 

I've had some not-so-good things happen in my past, and the last thing I want or need is someone who wants to "fix" me. Love me for who I am .

 

Why is she working a second job...to pay some of HER debts? Don't you work? Why can't you help her pay the bills? C'mon it's a partnership!

 

You drive around town cuz she's a little late and you didn't trust where she said she was, so you go drive by her ex's? Jeez no wonder she freaked and drove to her parents' instead of going home! I'd be afraid of you too!

 

She is playing pool to spend time with her dad, not her ex. She is NOT cheating on you, so don't even bring that up anymore. Don't tell her you don't trust her. Don't say negative things about her dad OR her ex to her. You can think and feel them, but it gets her on the defensive.

 

I think you spend way too much time trying to analyze her and make her see things YOUR way. You are a controlling jerk of a husband. To tell her that she made you this way? That is bullsh*t. You have made HER this way - not her past, but your actions as a result of not trusting her and not liking her dad.

 

So he doesn't like you. Well that's too bad, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't try to keep your wife from having a relationship with him. Ohhh but he's such a bad bad person. People make mistakes, bad ones, some of which they should be in jail for. She can put him there, but she has chosen to forgive him and build a relationship with him. There is nothing you can do about it. Quit jumping to conclusions that he's trying to fill her head and manipulate her...that's only what it looks like to YOU.

 

You need to start trusting and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I also think you need a new shrink, or just not go for counselling cuz that is confusing you even more...either that or you are misinterpreting everything you're being told.

 

Brandy sounds like a sweet, smart, caring person who tries to please everyone. Sorry if that doesn't fit in with your "plan" for her, personally I think there is a better match out there for her.

[Bubbles]

How is he not to take that post personally? that was an outright attack.

 

What the heck?

 

You have read all of his posts and you think he is in the wrong? Brandy was just caught LAST WEEK in her ex's vehicle. How would you feel about that if it was YOUR ex? You would be o.k. with it? and don't give me some kind of B.S. about you trusting your spouce o.k.? You can trust your spouce all you want but the jealousy demon will rise in you and you will lash out in some way or form.

 

jmargel is an amazing guy.......I don't care what you say about him. His wife Brandy needs a wake-up call! and by the sounds of it? so do you concerning this post

 

Of course he harbours resentment! Every time he turns around Brandy is with her ex husband! Read Again!!!

 

 

bubbles

[Bubbles]

Where is Moose?

 

Somebody get Moose over here......jmargel needs him!!!!

 

 

bubbles

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I do apologize if my earlier post appeared to be an attack. I was putting another perspective, MY perspective from what I read into this.

 

Her ex is in her life. For her, and her dad for that matter, he is not the type of ex that will be forgotten about. That is a fact. Trust that she's not sleeping with him. She left him and is married to you for a reason. He went with her to help her with her new pool cue - that sounds more like a brotherly thing to me. Why are you reading so much into this?

 

Your reactions are causing her to react in a negative way, and that is her personality. If you don't like it you shouldn't have married her.

 

If you can forget everything about her past, and trust that all she wants to do is play pool with her dad, IMO I think you would be better off. Of course it would be easier if the ex wasn't also on the team, but Brandy had no control over that and I don't think it was right of you to raise a big stink over it.

[Bubbles]

But Brandy did have a choice to say that she would not participate. True her father manipulated her into being part of the team if she wanted to spend time with him but........she has choices here and is not making the right ones!

 

 

bubbles

[Mz. Pixie]

MLC-

 

She knows how he feels about it and she still continues to do it- lying to him about her whereabouts- she's done this at least three times.

 

It's still NOT been determined whether she's cheating or not- but if she weren't up to anything what would there be to lie about??

 

She's a married woman- she doesn't need to nor should she be running around like a single person.

 

Moose hasn't posted in this thread at all- I'd really like to see what his take would be on this situation.

[bigbuffs]

Man j, I feel for ya. I know what you're going through. You feel like things are slipping away and while you're trying to do everything you can to save your marriage, your W sits and does nothing. All you want is for something or someone to wake her up and make her realize how stupid and selfish she is being.

 

I don't understand why bad things always seem to happen to good people. You don't deserve this, few do. Right now, she is not fullfilling her vows. Marriage is about compromise and about putting others before yourself. It's obvious what she is doing is hurting you, and if she cares a lick about saving your marriage then she would stop doing this.

 

I really believe what you said about her seeing in time that she is in the wrong. I feel the same way with my W, I feel in time she will see what she is doing is wrong, but we both can't sit around for the rest of our lives waiting for them to see the light. Who knows when she will finally see. I'm not sure if you guys go to church or anything like that, but maybe it is something you could try. The bible says a chord of 3 strands is not easily broken.

 

If all else fails, I think that you should tell her that if this continues, then say you're not sure if you can stay in this marriage. Make sure she knows how much this is hurting you and maybe choose to separate for a while. Maybe then she will see that she is on the verge of losing you and that may wake her up.

 

GL J, I pray that god will help you do and say the things you need to get through to her. I will continue to pray for you, me and both of our wives.

[whichwayisup]

Right now, she is not fullfilling her vows. Marriage is about compromise and about putting others before yourself. It's obvious what she is doing is hurting you, and if she cares a lick about saving your marriage then she would stop doing this.

 

Exactly, yet sadly her idea's of what marriage should be is not what J's is. She has alot of emotional baggage and until she realizes that Therapy will HELP her, this situation may go on for quite a while.

 

It isn't fair, this isn't what J bargained for when marrying B. I DO hope sometime soon she does figure it out ... Cuz if she doesn't and things go south even more she may not have a husband around much longer... A person can only take so much before they say enough!

[jmargel]

TY all.

 

MWC, calling me a controlling jerk is a little much, dont you think? All I am trying to do is protect my marriage, well at least my heart. You have no idea how much it hurts to not fully trust your own wife. You think I enjoy going searching for her when she never came home from work and never answered her cell? Do you think I enjoy telling her how much it hurts me and to just have her do it again?

 

Things are really at the end I think. Last night she went into the store and I called our house to check messages. We left right after we got home from work. On her cell was her step-mom's name. Looked at her number and here it was her ex's. She called him Monday morning. Her explanation was that her dad told her, her ex was putting on a new tip for her pool stick? I call that bull****. The conversation lasted 5 mins. I'm just SO sick of all of this. I told her last night to be honest once & for all to tell me if she wants to talk to him or spend time with him to let me know so I can move on with my life. She said she doesn't. When I catch her she plays dumb. Tonight she has a match, I'm really contemplating if I should even come home tonight. I asked her last night about the fall season and how I don't want her on the same team as him. She told me she doubts he will be, and that she probably wont be on a team. I asked her why and she said that she'll probably get bored with it and while I practiced with her last night she was getting frustrated with the whole thing.

 

I love her and she does have great qualities. This thread wasn't about it being a bitch session about her. I just need advice on how to get through this while not making things worse. Also for advice on how to deal with this situation.

[Mz. Pixie]

She has great qualities yes, but she's not showing them right now J.

You obviously love her and we all know that.

 

I have to be honest with you here a bit- if she's up to something she's probably not going to come clean and tell you. That's the cheaters motto. I know- I've done it before myself (i learned my lesson). They do not usually come clean until they are completely busted. I mean, no place to hide- no other lies to tell.

 

What blows my mind is that she doesn't appear sorry for all the pain she's inflicting upon you. If I were in that situation and my bf thought for one minute I was doing something that I wasn't suposed to be doing, something that would hurt him- I would be crying and everything else. I would be falling all over myself trying to make it better. Why isn't she???

[jmargel]

That, I don't know. Monday night we had a long talk about things and it was that morning she called him. I asked her yesterday 'Didn't you feel guilty about not telling me then?'. She just looked at me and said 'No, I didn't think I did anything wrong'. I'm like wtf? 'Brandy.. When you have to hide things from me, be secretative about them or be deceitiful that should be enough to think 'Well maybe this will hurt Jeff and I shouldn't do it'. She's like maybe I don't have morals, so I'm like you'll cheat on me? She's like no, never. She acts like she doesnt know what she's doing is wrong. Thing is, anyone with common sense would know it's wrong. She just about hit a perfect 4.0 in college so she's not an airhead.

 

All my stress right now is due to her and this situation. I am really tired of it. I'm tired of living on the edge. I told her last night if you want drama you married the wrong guy. Maybe it truly takes me walking out on her for her to get the message. All I know is if she does cheat on me, I will make her life very hard. She really needs counseling. Either she's trying to play me as a fool or she's very neive to things like this. However knowing her dad and where she comes from..

 

I'm just venting.. Last night she wasn't defensive she wasn't lashing back. She just listened while I "preached" again. She comes off with the attitude like it's no big deal and that she wants to be with me. And the one poster is right, I didn't marry her knowing I would be involved in this kind of drama, but somehow I should have expected it.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

What blows my mind is that she doesn't appear sorry for all the pain she's inflicting upon you. If I were in that situation and my bf thought for one minute I was doing something that I wasn't suposed to be doing, something that would hurt him- I would be crying and everything else. I would be falling all over myself trying to make it better. Why isn't she???

 

C'mon Mz. Pixie, you know as well as I do that it's always a mistake to assume that others should react to situations the same way that you do. When I was f***ing up with my exhusband I never cried or was upset or fell all over myself trying to make it better. I was a straight up selfish beyotch. So it just goes to show. Not everyone has the same reactions to things, nor the emotional capability to react in a healthy way.

[SoleMate]

...This morning I asked her what is it going to be? And she's said it's my choice and she'll go along with what I say...

This is about the only thing I see in this whole story that gives me hope. You're not a jerk, Jeff - you are a decent, honest and loving man, I'm quite sure of it. Yet I do want you to know that I see a controllingness to you that is a destructive force in this marriage. Along with all the other forces pulling you apart - Brandy's dad, Brandy's ex, Brandy's baggage from all her past suffering - it's just overwhelming the love I believe you two have for each other.

 

She said she'll go along with what you say. I would take her at face value, and lovingly lay down some rules:

* No more pool

* All recreational time spent together for the next six months (you plan things that are genuinely fun for both of you)

* No more socializing with the ex - if he enters the room she is to get up and go, regardless. Call a taxi, call a (girl)friend, call you, make excuses - but LEAVE

* Always tell me within 1 hour whenever you have had any contact with the ex, however brief

* Go to marriage counseling with me, every Tuesday

* Etc.

 

Ask her if she needs you to do anything to help with this. Anything that is in accordance with the spirit of turning away from others, and turning towards the marriage partner, you will agree to and abide by the same as she will comply with your requests. I do believe that Brandy NEEDS to feel some control from a man - it's what she's used to, and she may even feel it as love. Better it comes from someone who truly loves her and cares about her wellbeing (i.e. you) that the two other prize male specimens in her life. What kind of father is he? Crappy...he harbored and welcomed his daughter's rapist in his home. The trick is that the control must be very carefully applied. It will be difficult for you to walk the line, of guiding her for her own good, and not out of your own fear. You must stay very calm, and loving, and not create new problems (like discussing your marriage with other women IRL for sympathy). This will require enormous strength, because you are just a human being, after all. You chose a woman with a lot of problems, and you are now learning in a real, "rubber meets the road" kind of way, what that means to a marriage.

 

I believe that her relationship with her father is key to this. The father relationship imprints a pattern in a girl's mind, of what masculine love looks and feels like. A young woman will tend to seek out a marriage partner who will give her what her father gave her. This applies on the good and the bad ends of the spectrum. It's very possible that she may never be whole while her father is still in her life.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by blind_otter

C'mon Mz. Pixie, you know as well as I do that it's always a mistake to assume that others should react to situations the same way that you do. When I was f***ing up with my exhusband I never cried or was upset or fell all over myself trying to make it better. I was a straight up selfish beyotch. So it just goes to show. Not everyone has the same reactions to things, nor the emotional capability to react in a healthy way.

 

I was this way too when I cheated. My exH kept his hurt hidden, and the more he did this, the more of a secretive lying beeotch I became. In some ways I wished he would be more assertive in letting me know what he wanted and putting his foot down. I guess I thought this would draw my needs out as well.

 

But Jeff, it seems you've tried it both ways, being more assertive, as well as leaving her alone. Everyone keeps saying Brandy is making the wrong choices. Maybe for a perfect marriage she is, but in her mind she is not having sex with the ex, so she is not cheating. Something inside her is telling her it's okay to talk to her ex. The only reason she hides it from you is to avoid the conflict and having to answer to you. This hurts you, but maybe she thinks it would hurt you more if she openly communicated with him. Would you allow that...for her to communicate with him openly?

 

Let her decide on her own if she wants to play pool in the fall. Her own conscience will make her do what's right for her, and for you, and for the marriage. When I say "right" I mean what's right in her own mind, not the rest of the world's.

 

If it's not right for you, or for the marriage in your mind, then IMO you are unfortunately back at square one and I doubt you two will ever see eye to eye on this. This is where I would agree that a separation is necessary until she agrees to counselling and/or begins to see things the way you believe she should, or until the two of you compromise as to what kind of a marriage you will have, as it's not the kind you agreed upon before you got married.

[jmargel]

Solemate you might see that controllinginess in me but it's brought out of me by the things going on. What am I suppose to do? Ok, Brandy.. sure go shoot on the same team as your ex even though you've lied to me about past things regarding him and the fact that he still is wanting you back. Sure Brandy, go ahead and spend time outside of the pool match and go to difference places with him. Sure Brandy, call him when you like and talk to him. I mean he is only a "friend" and playing with this kinda of fire would never get your burned. Jeesh.. Stupid me for trying to protect my own interest and trying to show my wife that she's not showing me the love she says she has for me.

 

If that's controlling then I guess I am. Let me ask you this.. How many husbands or boyfriends would let their woman play on a team with their ex, knowing the situation? Would you let your husband or boyfriend play on a team with their ex-wife or ex-gf?

 

The thing is, even though her dad is a complete a**h*** and a controlling jerk I still want her to bond with him. Even though we do not like each other and probably never will and the fact that he is trying to split us up, I still think it's important she spends time with him. I don't want her resenting me or coming back at me after he dies, saying I kept her away from him.

 

However what I won't do is just sit idle without doing anything. To me that's encouraging the behavior. Yes, it's awful that I feel like I have to be a parent to my own wife however I know she's not in the 'norm' by how she thinks. The only wish I have is to JUST be her husband and to NOT have to worry about these stupid things.

 

And no I would not want her to openly communicate with her ex. Why would I? Would you let your SO communicate with someone who obviously wants them back? All that creates is drama, which in turn creates hurt. Her intentions may be pure but by the actions it makes me wonder. However her ex & her dad's intentions aren't pure and that was made clear. Yes in the end the choice is hers, however if I could help prevent something bad from happening to my marriage I will step in to the best of my abilities. Not to control but to show Brandy what she is going to lose.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I warn against this because labelling this without the proper diagnosis can give you the illusion of control. You have none. This is her deal. Accepting that will probably help you more in the long run.

 

Otter's statement was so spot-on that I thought it was worth a bump up.

 

She has just summed up for you what you will eventually learn after investing many months (not to mention a small fortune) in counseling/therapy sessions. It's all about the "letting go," and there's TWO ways to do this: you either accept the behavior and find healthy strategies to co-exist in spite of it, OR remove yourself from the situation altogether. That's it. That's all the "control" you've got.

 

While we may care for, even love someone, it doesn't necessarily mean we can live with them.

 

Also, regardless of whether Brandy suffers from some undiagnosed personality disorder or is just emotionally immature…she IS NOT walking around in a state of dementia. She is fully aware of her actions and words. She absolutely knows how upsetting her behavior is to you. The difference is, she doesn't operate on the same conscious level that you do. She may not feel guilt, remorse, empathy or even 'appreciation' in the same way you do. This is not to say, however, that she is totally unconscious. So waiting around for that elusive "wake up" call…making excuses for her behavior by convincing yourself she's "ill" and simply needs to be fixed…blaming her behavior on other people…or discounting the cruel things she says/does to you by saying "she really doesn't mean that" isn't deluding anyone except yourself.

 

True, there will be times when she turns on the lovey-dovey charm and throws scraps of affection your way. But if these moments are few and far between; if these displays of generosity and kindness are used ONLY as a means to manipulate you and distract you from the real issue at hand, OR to back-pedal her way out of trouble…then you really must step back and examine just how genuine they are.

 

I'm glad that you have opted to see a councilor on your own. I'm even happier to see that you found a councilor who was professional enough to remain somewhat neutral in your decision to remain in this marriage or leave. Regardless of her personal opinion, in a clinical setting, a GOOD therapist won't make those hard choices for you, rather give you the support you need to reach your own conclusions.

 

I still think you'll end up with a positive outcome either way. It may be difficult (even painful) for you right now, but there is so much you will learn about yourself during these sessions AND while in this marriage. The best lessons in life can not be taught; rather they must be lived and learned. In the end the best any of us can hope for is that Jeff comes out of this a bit stronger, a day wiser, and a helluva lot happier for all his efforts.

[jmargel]

TY Enigma,

 

I know she is aware of all of this and how it's upsetting me. Her lack of remorse or guilt or whatever you may call it is the real bad part in this. We had the discussion yesterday about her calling him. I remembered that her dad called Sunday night and asked about putting a new tip on her stick, yet she called her ex on Monday to see if he had the stick? How would he even get it put on then? So, I emailed her this morning, here are the messages.

 

My email to her:

 

From: Jeff Sent: Wed 6/1/2005 7:41 AM

To: Brandy

Subject: Morning..

 

 

G'Morning..

 

Hope your day goes well. On the way to work something hit me, Brandy.

This is the last thing I want to be talking about, especially this early in

the morning. Last night you said you called him Monday morning about the

pool tip? It was your dad who called you Sunday night after work to tell

you about putting a new tip on. I remember, we were on the couch when you

were talking to him & you told me when you hung up. So there was no way he

would have even gotten a chance to get it on. So why did you really call

him?

 

If I am wrong, correct me. But as you can see this still has me upset and

I just want to know the whole truth.

 

Love,

 

Jeff

 

 

Her reply:

 

Jeff,

 

I really do not have time for all of this....you are thinking way too much about

this. My dad did call Sunday night. Ray was with my Dad and Rhoada....they were

at Perkins. My Dad asked if I minded if Ray put a different tip on my pool

stick. I said I didn't mind. My Dad told me that Ray was going to take the pool

stick home and put a new tip on it (at his house). I told my Dad that that was

fine.

 

I called my Dad 10:30ish on Monday, and he was still in bed. I didn't talk long.

When I was driving to Walmart I called Ray to ask him if he had my pool stick.

We talked about my pool stick and he said he really didn't think it needed a new

tip. This is the last time I want to discuss this issue.

 

 

Perkins is a local resturant. Just to show you proof that they go out with her ex, it's in that email. I remember her saying that night to her dad that if her car was fixed (had a flat tire) she would be over there to practice. Her dad has a pool table. Well, now I know that if she was over there her ex would have been there too. So I can see it just being a continuous contact type of thing. That's something I won't put up with. I'd rather find someone else then to deal with all this stress that is going to be happening for unforseeable future. She won't take a stand at all in this yet she won't leave.

[Mz. Pixie]

When I made the post earlier, I was trying to make a point- in that when I was up to something I shouldn't have been up to- my reactions were much the same as B's are right now. I told numerous lies to cover up what I was doing- I also acted like everything was my exh's issue and not mine. I'm just gently saying she's not thinking right and that perhaps it's not just all trauma related.

 

I was not in love with my exh anymore and I didn't really care at the time about his feelings. Now I can look back and see how horrible that was- but I wasn't exactly "myself" at the time.

 

The bottom line to me is if she really cared about his feelings and saving the marriage she would be doing whatever it took to do so. When I didn't care- I didn't do anything and I resisted my exh's pushing for me to do counseling, etc. I'm not proud of my actions but I'm stating here how it was to try and help someone else.

 

Solemate had some awesome suggestions in her post and I think it would be helpful to follow some of her direction as far as outlining what you expect.

Whatever you do, don't beg, plead, bargain etc- that will only push her in the other direction.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by jmargel

...My Dad asked if I minded if Ray put a different tip on my pool

stick. I said I didn't mind. My Dad told me that Ray was going to take the pool

stick home and put a new tip on it (at his house). I told my Dad that that was

fine.

 

IMO I don't think the issue is with her ex as much as it is with her dad. She really needs to stand up to him, as you said and in this instance, she could have said something like "why can't you do it dad? I'd rather avoid contact with Ray if you don't mind".

 

I don't think that would be considered confrontational. Also I do understand at this point she is tired of your whining and nagging and dragging the issue out and blowing things up (according to her).

 

Another approach for you....instead of focusing on her contact with the 'ex', why not focus on the relationship she has with her father. Without accusing him, just ask her to sublty make it clear to her dad that his ploys will not work.

 

Her father and you both see her contact with him as a chance for them to get back together. She has made it clear that's not the case, but doesn't know how to avoid him and please her father at the same time. I dunno, I have a cheating past, and it just doesn't sound like she is cheating on you with him.

[EnigmaXOXO]

An interesting read:

 

 

http://www.splash.net.au/Article2x.html

[whichwayisup]

Her father and you both see her contact with him as a chance for them to get back together. She has made it clear that's not the case, but doesn't know how to avoid him and please her father at the same time. I dunno, I have a cheating past, and it just doesn't sound like she is cheating on you with him.

 

Honestly there is NO point in her being friends with her EX. He's a smchukhead and doesn't bring any good into her life. He treated her like dogcrap in the past.

 

IF she isn't physically cheating, she's doing something. Why would she knowingly continue to see him, call him and spend time with him KNOWING that her husband has a big problem with it??? I don't understand WHY she is choosing this situation, making things worse by doing what she is doing...A clear headed thinking person would see this which is more proof that she is NOT thinking clearly at all. She has NO clue wtf her actions are doing to her husband.

 

She is putting herself IN a situation where something COULD happen as her father has huge influences on her and can easily manipulate her...Take advantage of the problems at home and set it up to use against her - Making the EX around, willing and able. THAT is what Jeff's concerns are...Like only a matter of time before something happens. IF not physically than emotionally.

 

He would prefer her NOT to be so involved with her father but he's not telling her never to see him again...The issue is the EX always is waiting in the wings to jump on any opportunity and having the father edging him on.

[jmargel]

MWC, I have. I have told her that I believe he is interfering with our marriage. I mentioned that to her on Monday night, she didnt say anything in reponse. I told her he needs to worry about his own marriage and leave ours alone.

 

Thing is, she won't stand upto him. I asked her about 2 weeks ago if she ever has and she said she did but didn't tell me in what way. I don't like her torn like this, but she needs to take the responsibility and stand up for OUR marriage. When they are constantly putting me down, when they going place with her ex, when her dad is trying to get them into contact with each other that is wrong. Her dad only cares about himself and I will never want to have any sort of father-in-law relationship with him. He's just as abusive as he was when she was a child he's just doing it in a different form.

 

As far as her ex, he's nothing but a fool. Hanging around waiting for us to split up is just wasting his life away. However, I believe Brandy encourages it by doing what she has. I'm not playing these games and if it takes her moving out so be it. I'm here for Brandy to confide in and to lean on, not to abuse.

 

Thing is I really never see this ending. Once this pool thing ends, it'll eventually be something else. I'm not going to be wasting my life away on someone who's going to eventually leave me due to her not putting her foot down with her dad and start to make some changes on her own.

 

I never expected my first year of marriage to be like this. I pictured it so differently. Someone that I was comfortable with in fully trusting without the drama. God knows I had enough of it with my ex. I just feel cheated out on alot of things with her.

[moimeme]

I never expected my first year of marriage to be like this. I pictured it so differently

 

Forgive my being so blunt, JM, but how on earth did you expect it to change? You had unending drama almost right until the wedding day. Surely you weren't yet another victim of the 'marriage will fix everything' fantasy?

 

Most of these issues began while you were going out and continued throughout the engagement. It's a wonderful trait in humans that they have such optimism and hope, but unfortunately sometimes that optimism and hope cause you to be unable to see situations as they really are. I have always felt your hopes for the success of your relationship were far too high simply because there are so many issues.

 

You have taken on a seriously troubled person to be your partner and, I fear, it's far too difficult a situation to expect to have resolved in less than several years - if you can stand living this way that long and if she ever gets help.

[jmargel]

While we had issues before, like every couple has I never had this kind of interfering like I do now with her dad. Her contact with the ex was kept minimal and although she has her own personal problems we were going to counseling before and after the wedding. I did not think she was just going to quit counseling nor did I suspect her dad would be trying to get her ex back into the picture while trying to ruin our marriage. I also thought my own wife would stand up for her own marriage.