I need some help here

[jmargel]

So how am I suppose to toughen up and put my foot down while not getting on her back?

 

What else am I suppose to do to 'get a life'? All my friends my age have families of their own. My brothers who I am close with drive truck all week. I started a class w/ my new pup for training. I spend 4 nights a week by myself. All I want is some time with her. Is it my fault she spends all this time with her dad? No. She could easily come home after work I would go out and do my own thing.

[jmargel]

I've told her the insecurities I have is because of the issues with the ex. I have told her this a number of times. I told her what I needed and things would change so much. Yet she doesn't believe me.

[whichwayisup]

OK so here's just a suggestion...

 

Leave her a note this weekend, say Friday after work. In the note say,"gone away for the weekend to do some thinking. See you when I'm back home Sunday afternoon." Nothing else. Let her stew on that.

 

Don't know if that's a stupid idea or not, but it might just make her stop in her tracks and THINK for once? I don't know...What do you think.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by jmargel

I've told her the insecurities I have is because of the issues with the ex. I have told her this a number of times. I told her what I needed and things would change so much. Yet she doesn't believe me.

 

Cuz then she would have to admit some fault here Jeff, and right now she is NOT willling to take any blame, any responsibility of why things are they way they are.

[jmargel]

Yes but why isn't she willing to? This could be so easily solved. It's not like I cheated on her or abused her in any way.

[Moose]

Originally posted by jmargel

Yes but why isn't she willing to? This could be so easily solved. It's not like I cheated on her or abused her in any way.

Nobody like to admit when they're wrong Jeff. Stand your ground. New Wife is a, New Wife......I don't think she has a clue about what we mean when husband and wife should become one entity.

 

Be a ROCK Jeff!

[whichwayisup]

Because of her frame of mind...I really do believe she's really not herself, she's being totally manipulated and is very vunerable. She is not thinking straight and isn't capable of seeing what her actions are really doing to you. IF she does, it's fleeting moments of guilt but the desire to DO what she is presently doing is taking over.

 

I hope I'm not making things worse here, that isn't my intention. ... But I do think if you left for the weekend it could give her time to reflect. Don't call her, be unavailable, unreachable. Maybe ask her mom to check in with her for you...

[CurlyIam]

Do you understand that she does NOT have to spend all the other 3 night of the week with you. It's her free time also. Limited, indeed, but it's all she's got. Tell her to stop working like this.

 

In the mean time, you should do somtehing for yourself, have a new hobby, take to scupting in wook, writing, start going back to school. Learn to be much more independent, if you really want this to work.

 

Jeff, if you want a lovey dovey wife, she won't do it for you. She is different. She will never fulfill this need you've got for tenderness, and hugging, and good quality time together. I don't know why. Above all your problems, you've got very different expectations from this relationship. She's much colder, much more social and out going. You're much warmer, calmer, maybe a family guy.

 

Love won't do the trick, this time. You need to be somewhat compatible or somewhat willing to make it work, to make compromises, ability which she lacks completely. This is much deeper than the pool game and your misuderstandings with her dad.

 

 

 

 

MArk my words: she won't move out. she'll do as she pleases again, go and comeas she wishes, meeting her ex at her dad's place sometimes, at his place, other times, going out with her own work collegues, all this while excluding you, practically acting as if she were single and yet, remaining married to you. And you'll take it, because you want too badly to be with her. That's the truth, that's your reality.

 

Until something terrible shall happen. How long before Brandy falls under her ex's spell? How long, Jeff? She's drawn to him like the moth to the flame. How long?

[Debster]

Again, JM has NO PROBLEM with her living life, being with friends...THE ISSUE at hand is the EX. If she wants to play pool and she loves it so much it really should not matter WHERE she plays or WHO she plays with!! Can we say EX factor here??? I'm leaving her dad out of this equation as again, it comes down to WHY she is really spending time with her EX considering she is MARRIED TO JEFF!!! This man is NOT her friend, he brings nothing but trouble into their lives.

 

I think this goes WAY beyond her spending time with her ex. It goes with her lying to her husband. Talking badly about her husband to her friends/family. Showing her husband that her feelings don't matter. Avoiding coming home. The being 'as one' was one-sided.

 

So how am I suppose to toughen up and put my foot down while not getting on her back

 

Re-read your whole post. From the very beginning. Many, many people provided suggestions and input. However, instead of listening and trying to implement their advice, IMO you just kept recapping how much you love her and want it to work out.

 

What else am I suppose to do to 'get a life'? All my friends my age have families of their own. My brothers who I am close with drive truck all week. I started a class w/ my new pup for training. I spend 4 nights a week by myself. All I want is some time with her. Is it my fault she spends all this time with her dad? No. She could easily come home after work I would go out and do my own thing.

 

Sign up for sports, classes, hobbies, visit friends, work-out, volunteer. There's tons of things you can do. I've been there. Before I met my husband I was the token single girl with all my friends married with kids. I know what it is like. You need to start finding new outlets.

 

Yes it is normal to want to spend time with your spouse. However, why would you want to spend time with someone who so clearly doesn't want to spend time with you. Her actions are the result of choices. Yes she could easily come home after work or want to spend time with you. But she doesn't. Not because her father is putting a gun to her head but because this is her choice.

 

Also, you wife has had a tough life. Yes. However, she is not the poor wounded little soul that can't speak her mind and know the consequence of her actions. Stop trying to treat her as if she is emotionally handicapped. Clearly, she can't be all that traumatized if she is working the kind of job she is working in as she would never have been hired.

 

However, there is some blame that yes, you need to accept. When Brandy started to have second thoughts about getting married. You didn't listen to her feelings. When many people here on Loveshack gave you advice to postpone the marriage, you didn't listen. I feel that Brandy probably felt trapped and got married, not because her heart and mind was 100% into it but because she felt she should.

 

I know you think my posts are sometimes harsh or as you phrased it before ' kicking you when you are down', But hey - you're asking for advice. You're wanting to find a way to get your marriage to work - and I am trying to help. Sometimes you need to hear things you don't want to hear.

 

Stop trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

[Bubbles]

He Won't go away for the week-end.

 

He won't attend the pool games.

 

He won't stand up to her father.

 

He will read.

 

He will attend coucelling (on his own).

 

He will succumb to all her wishes and demands.

 

He will spin his wheels in the mud.....until SHE has had enough.

 

Sorry Jeff........

 

 

bubbles

[whichwayisup]

I think this goes WAY beyond her spending time with her ex. It goes with her lying to her husband. Talking badly about her husband to her friends/family. Showing her husband that her feelings don't matter. Avoiding coming home. The being 'as one' was one-sided.

 

Yeah and the cause of it all, was HER EX. All her actions is because of the manipulation he and her father have opened her eyes to!

 

She does love Jeff, she just doesn't show it the way a married woman should be. It's onesided because she's made it that way.

[Debster]

Yeah and the cause of it all, was HER EX. All her actions is because of the manipulation he and her father have opened her eyes to!

 

She does love Jeff, she just doesn't show it the way a married woman should be. It's onesided because she's made it that way.

 

I disagree. Yes her Ex might be at the root of the problem but it has nothing to do with the emails she sent her co-workers. That was about him. It has nothing to do with her uncaring attitude about how her actions affect him. Her jumping out the window was because jeff wouldn't let her leave.

 

I really don't think she loves Jeff for the simple fact that I don't think this woman even knows what love is.

 

And the onesidedness, it kinda goes both ways. Think of how Jeff made that comment about the finances and how she is working two jobs to pay off her debt. That should be THEIR Debt. When I married my husband he had debt. I didn't. Now WE have debt.

 

There were some actions on both side, in my opinion.

[jmargel]

Bubbles, I have stood up to her father. We talked about 2 weeks ago and he tried saying I haven't done anything for her since we got married, I fired back and told him off in so many ways. Brandy was at his house at the time, she said she heard the conversation. She has told me many times she knows how he is and his attitude.

 

So what am I suppose to do? Follow Brandy to these pool matches like a psycho? Demand that I go with her? Yea, that is NOT going to fly with her. Trust me. You demand something from her, she does the opposite. As for the weekend, good chance that I will. But to think? Pfft.. That's all I've been doing.. My mind is overworked. I know what I want it's her that needs to think. But what do you think she'll do with that time?

 

Deb, that is my debt. I told her I would pay off those school loans so she could quit the second job. She told me it was something she needed to do for herself. I've told anytime she needs money to let me know. I wanted to combine checking accounts a long time ago. Money isn't important to me.

[whichwayisup]

Nah, that is what YOU tell her you're gonna do.

 

I hope you go away and get some well deserved RnR. Get a massage, facial, something...sit in a hottub and drink a cold beer. Forget and just be. Sorry about that, I meant to add that part in...

[binturong]

I almost hate to bring it up...but Jeff, remember how you and Brandy hooked up? She was basically cheating on her ex with you. Emotionally, if not physically. Was she telling you things about him? Perhaps the same things she's telling other people about you now? Seems like a vicious cycle...

[Moose]

Geeeeez Jeff. YOU DON"T GO ANYWHERE! In lieu of the phone call at lunch, I still say have the door wide open when she gets home and tell her to get her stuff out.

 

And this:

Follow Brandy to these pool matches like a psycho? Demand that I go with her?

YOU"RE HER FRIGGIN HUSBAND!!!! You should've been going all along. And yes......even on a demand!!!

 

I'm seriously not going to post on this thread anymore...........you're not getting any of this.

[jmargel]

Oh, so just because I was her friend and we became a couple while she was with someone who mis-treated her, that now it's deserving to I get treated like this?

 

When my dad met my mom, she was engaged to a guy who didn't treat her well. They are still married after 36 years.

 

It just seems like all my fears have been coming true.

[binturong]

My point was that she's telling other people now that YOU are mistreating her. She's trying to get sympathy from others...for what reason? I didn't say that you deserve this...I'm just saying that she's repeating her past. Maybe there's some way you can learn something from it. I don't know her, so I couldn't say...it was just a thought.

[Debster]

 

Oh, so just because I was her friend and we became a couple while she was with someone who mis-treated her, that now it's deserving to I get treated like this?

No, but it shows that Brandy is a very weak woman who isn't afraid of lining up an alternate before the dump. It's a negative character flaw on her - not you.

 

 

It just seems like all my fears have been coming true.

I feel for you. But please, re-read your post and get some perspective on the situation.

[Bubbles]

Jeff,

 

We are getting tough with you now because we CARE about you. I am being particularily hard on you because I only WISH I could meet a man as wonderful as you........and I can't because all of the really good guys are married to some pretty selfish women.

 

Yes! I think you should follow her to her pool games. Yes, I think you two should do at least One activity together. Yes, I think you should let her leave if that's her wonderful solution to this mess! I am proud of you for getting "into it" with her father but.......you did'nt mention that last week. You told us that you were at the house but not that you had it out with her father.

 

What are you going to do?

 

 

 

bubbles

[jmargel]

I have stood my ground with her dad, verbally. I will defend my marriage from his attacks like that. I'm not a coward just because I have a big heart.

 

I'm just going to tell her in so many words what you all have been telling me. If she truly wants to go and this is her solution to this, then I won't stop her. But that she is missing out on something that could be awesome. That I'm not going to be hanging around for years like her ex has. That I am not hard to love like she told me on the phone. I'm pretty easy to love given the respect that I deserve. That these past 3-4 weeks have been hard even on both of us and that I find it very stupid she wants to quit our marriage on our first big hurdle. When I married her, I married her problems as well. They became mine & vice versa. That we work on them together. That is what love is about.

 

Other than that, the rest is up to her.

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by Moose

New Wife is a, New Wife......I don't think she has a clue about what we mean when husband and wife should become one entity.

 

Be a ROCK Jeff!

 

Actually, I should clear this up for you. I am a new wife to THIS marraige. My former husband was a suffocating, insecure, lunatic. He required all of my time and used the same catch phrases about two becoming one. He called me at work every day and said "what are you doing?" 3-4 times. Let's see, at work, I'm probably not hang-gliding you moron! But I tried, in the begining, to tell him nicely "I'm working now - really frowned upon to keep taking personal calls. I'll see you when I get home." Did he listen? Sure. Until the next day when he didn't feel like it. "What're you doing?" UGH. So finally, I tell him "You're getting on my nerves here. You are going to get me in trouble at work. Please stop" Did he stop? NO. He fell into the whiny "why don't you want to talk to me? I just want to hear your voice. I love you so. Shouldn't I be more important than your job?"

 

On and on. Because it was important to HIM, it had to become my priority. His idea of 2 becoming one equated to one dissappearing entirely into the borg-like identity he considered the marraige to be. I actually had to have my work number changed to save my job. Think about that for a second. How embarassing that had to be. And still, he refused to see it.

 

What I am suggesting here is not, as I very clearly stated, that Brandy's actions are correct. I don't think they are.

 

What I am saying, is that I think JMargel is obsessed.

 

Sorry. I think he's nice. I am sorry for his pain. But after pages and pages and pages of the same old same old where he does not want to take any suggestions whatsoever unless they are the pre-imagined correct answers he had in mind - I can see where his wife might feel like she's sometimes talking to a brick wall.

 

I suspect that he truly thinks he is listening to her, when in fact he is most likely "re-loading" with his next argument while her lips are moving. Remember, you stood in her way so she could not leave??? Hello???? And yet you don't see where you could make her feel imprisoned?

 

I'm sorry JMargel - but I think you don't want to see anything but how right you are and you only want us to give you a magic wand so Brandy sees it to. We see how wrong she is. That's clear. But what about you? Do you really think yourself innocent?

[Debster]

No, no, no. You saying all of this will just be another 'stress' on her.

Re-read Moose's posts.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by jmargel

Oh, so just because I was her friend and we became a couple while she was with someone who mis-treated her, that now it's deserving to I get treated like this?

 

When my dad met my mom, she was engaged to a guy who didn't treat her well. They are still married after 36 years.

 

It just seems like all my fears have been coming true.

 

Man, you really need to listen to Moose, bro....you're in denial right now.

[EnigmaXOXO]

When my dad met my mom, she was engaged to a guy who didn't treat her well.

 

WHO-BOY! And there it is!

 

Call it quackery, dime-store psychology, but certainly you must recognize something about yourself in this? Particularly when it comes to how you were conditioned to believe what your 'male' role in relationships should be.