I need some help here

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

I KNOW she loves you...I think though that all the feelings are confused and she's totally being taken in by her dad and the ex. It's there inside of her, she just isn't allowing herself to FEEL it and trust it. She's scared and probably won't admit that to anyone, let alone herself. She knows that things are a mess, but she is too scared to fix it...Takes alot of hard work - She DOES have it in her, but I think by her opening up actually means FEELING and maybe dealing with issues she doesn't want to face. As I said before, I do think that she'll come around.. Time is on your side...

 

exactly....thats is exactly where my marriage was....we were running and hiding....till we couldnt do it anymore....

 

Actually FEELING your emotions is one of the hardest things to do....most people go thru life just living...and not feeling....glad I am on my journey...I will and my wife will be much happier people at the end of all this. And if for whatever reason, we split up....at least i will be happy with ME....and Who I Am

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay

exactly....thats is exactly where my marriage was....we were running and hiding....till we couldnt do it anymore....

 

Actually FEELING your emotions is one of the hardest things to do....most people go thru life just living...and not feeling....glad I am on my journey...I will and my wife will be much happier people at the end of all this. And if for whatever reason, we split up....at least i will be happy with ME....and Who I Am

 

It's hard to do under normal cirumstances, let alone these kind of problems. I've really worked hard on my listening skills with my husband. I think for a while I got caught up in HOW he says things to me, instead of WHAT he actually says... And I'm impatient too at times because when I'm ready to talk, doesn't mean he is ready to at that minute...it's learning a balance and knowing when to bring something up and when to let it go - Or save it for a more appropriate time. (We NEVER have any serious discussions after 9pm...)

 

I think my anxiety disorder has taught me SO much than I ever knew before...Even through all the bad s***, I've learned about myself, my husband and made me see things that I didn't know before. Ahh, this is hard to put into words but basically some things happen for a reason, good and bad, and that has made me stronger, wiser and capable of being much more openminded.

 

PS I think the path you're on now is a good one, and as long as BOTH of you work together and want eachother, you've got absolutely nothing to worry about.

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by jmargel

Sorry but that draws the line. I will only keep this updated in PM with certain individuals. Stating that my own wife doesn't love me has gone over the line. This is now becoming more of an attack on her than anything else.

 

Please don't think that, JM. Everyone who's posted on this thread seems to truly want to help you in their own ways. Some will agree with your way of handling things, some will try to snap you into action, others will say things you don't want to hear.

 

I have to agree with Moose for the most part, it seems to be common sense to me. Blind_Otter wrote a wonderful post that gives great insight on your wife's inner workings. New Wife made some valid points, too. Billy had an interesting take too, try to talk to the ex.

 

Moi is stating the obvious, too- you can't treat someone that badly and claim it's love. She may have loved you before, and may again, but right now you two need a break.

 

But please keep posting here. Otherwise, you'd come off as someone who throws advice around but won't listen to that from others. I find it hard to believe thats the real you.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Moi is stating the obvious, too- you can't treat someone that badly and claim it's love. She may have loved you before, and may again, but right now you two need a break.

 

I agree. And Moi has only repeated what Brandy has already told you herself:

 

The convo eventually just turned to her saying she wants to move out, she doesnt even know if she loves me anymore and that 'I drive her crazy' and give her too much stress..

 

If anyone has crossed the line here by way of words or actions, it has been your wife. The good folks on this forum who have cared enough to respond to your call for help aren't the ones who have injured you. It might be better to channel your frustrations in a more appropriate direction and in more useful ways.

 

I, too, apologize if I have posted anything you weren't strong enough to hear. And you have my absolute word that it will never happen again.

 

Good luck and G-d's speed.

[Mr Spock]

One of the things I think stems from your control "issues" Jmargel is very similar to Monday (dear, sweet Monday).

 

 

You piss her off. Instead of communicating her unhappiness to you she bitches to her dad and step mom about it. They form a terrible opinion of you, which is made easier by the fact they like her ex. This relates to Monday in the fact she communicates her unhappiness with her hubby to US, so much so that I for one think he's an ass.

 

 

She may feel she's losing her sense of independance. I would, if I were her. She's got her own, seperate set of issues that have nothing to do with you. Her past is that, hers. It's not unreasonable to go about building a relationship on the pretense that you have always made her happy. Overcompensating for her history will drive you both insane.

 

 

It's NOT unreasonable to ask her what time she plans on coming home from something-demanding an exact time may be. It's unreasonable to prevent her from leaving a room so she jumps out the window. I can see why her family would be pissed about that.

 

There are so many replies I can't go through them all, so I apologize if the discussion has moved on to further points.

 

 

I don't think "love" is an issue here, since that's something that is supposedly always flexing in a marriage. I think she needs more freedom than you are able to give. Keep us updated.

[jmargel]

Ty for your post Spock. I asked her last night what she wanted to do. She got very defensive and upset. Saying 'If I was going to move out I would tell you', I said you told me Wed. you were looking. She said 'I only looked, that doesn't mean I'm leaving'. Maybe it was a bad time that the convo was brought up. She told me she hates talking about these issues, I told her that it keeps coming up. She didn't want to write down what we both wanted from each other, she was getting frustrated because she said 'I don't give her the chance to love me'.

 

I told her that these past 3-4 weeks have been hard on me, mainly because of the stuff going on with the ex. She said she knows, but says its unfair for me to say she can't go over to her dad's because he is there. She said it's not going to happen all the time, I told her he was with them the past two Sundays. And hanging out after the match with him being around is not cool. She thinks its fine because as she puts it, 'nothing is going on', however I think it is very wrong. It's not that I don't trust her, it's that he has always been in on our relationship/marriage. I want that to end.

 

I can tell how she was trying to push me around, her saying she doesn't think we are soulmates, trying to get me to become upset. All I said was 'that's fine'. I told her I just don't want to be mistreated like I have been and I should be treated the same way you want to be. She then said she didn't know if she could do that, so I told her I can't stay in the marriage. This is her attitude, like a spoiled teenager coming out. She then said she wanted to start 'fresh' with me in terms of what has been all going on. I really don't know what that means. Anyway, the rest of the night she was extremely nice to me, kissing me, etc..

 

It puts my mind into a loop because of this jekyll/hyde attitude. I can tell now that what she says and what she means are different things. As in if I call her bluff she will back down.

 

Later last night she told me since Monday she has been feeling very sick. She mentioned she has heartburn and the only time she had that before was when she was pregnant. That and she's been extremely tired, and the fact that some of the things she eats & drinks make her nasusa. Like the diet soda she drinks all the time she can't anymore. But she just had her period last week. But she has also been taking alot of ibuprofen for her ankle, so I think it's more because of that (one of the side effects) than being pregnant.

 

She was going into work late today because she was sick this morning.

 

I still don't believe anything is going to change. Right now its obvious she doesn't want to talk about it. I can't assume she doesn't love me or doesn't want to be with me or that she wants to be with someone else although it's hard not to think that way at times. Just have to take it day by day I guess. Really not much has been resolved.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

I want that to end.

 

 

If you can just trust that nothing is going on and forget about the past, let her play pool and hang out, would that make her happy? If you want to spend more time with her, will she be willing to give up something else in her life?

 

I can't help but feel this whole thing has been blown out of proportion, that you are being paranoid and jealous, and you are both moving in opposite directions instead of coming together and just enjoying life. She doesn't want to talk because she doesn't think she has done/is doing anything wrong.

 

My advice? Live with it the way it is, or end the marriage. Don't let her come kissing you up and get those mixed feelings again. Just because she's being nice and kissing you does not mean she is going to change her views on this issue. She is trying to make YOU come around. If you can't come around, then leave.

[jmargel]

MWC,

 

All I want is her ex to stop being in our marriage. Alot of the resentment that we have for each other right now is because of this issue. What am I suppose to do when this season ends in August and if they all want to be on the same team again? Brandy told me earlier that it was her ex that called her dad and asked to come over on Sunday night. He knew full well that she was going to be there. Even if nothing is going on, it is still inappropirate. For the past two years since Brandy & I have been together all he has been doing is hanging around her family. Last summer when he was calling her he was asking for her back, I know because I was there when he called.

 

I want to live in a marriage with just my wife. Not with other people trying to interfere with it.

[Debster]

Debster if you really have to talk that way to me, please don't post here. The only way she is going to *wake* up about this is to really think things through. Not me pushing her out the door and her pleading No. Above all of this you have to remember I LOVE her and I do want things to work out. My intentions are not getting rid of her. They are to stand my ground on what I need and what she needs.

 

Listen, Jmargel what I wrote was not bad. In fact, it was based on information YOU YOURSELF wrote about your wife. You've been attacking me and a number of posters who have been trying to help. WHo have spent time replying to your frigging long thread and this is how you respond?

 

ALL OF THE INFORMATION PEOPLE ARE GETTING ABOUT THIS SITUATION IS FROM YOU.

 

If we think your wife is acting like she doesn't love you we are getting it from what you write. If we think your wife is a complete and utter be-otch - it is because of what you write about her.

Here are some samples of what you wrote throughout this thread about your wife and your marriage:

 

She lied to me.

 

That doesn't matter to me, what she is doing is disrespectful

 

I told her on the phone I am not tolerating this and she's like well then I will make plans to move out.

 

She blames all her unhappiness on me.

 

She won't goto counseling anymore since 'Im the one that has issues'

 

Its almost like she wants to live the single life again.

 

She didn't even apologize to me for lying. She told me on the phone she doesn't care.

 

How can you be so cold to your own husband?

 

Its things like that, that make me feel like a bad person. She just doesn't say it, she believes it.

 

I have been loved and mistreated by her.

 

When I went to counseling the counselor told her she was being abusive by the way she was verbally treating me.

 

It's like an emotional roller coaster with her. Days would go by great then out of the blue disaster happens.

 

She continued to basically try to label me as a potential abuser.

 

Does she even have a conscious?

 

One thing she hasn't been acting like is my wife.

 

And to the poster that said about me being treated like a criminal, that's what I feel like. Like I did something SO awful that this is a punishment for me and I have no choice but to accept it.

 

It's like she just doesn't care. She can either stay or go.

 

I equate affection with love. And when I don't get any of it I feel like she doesn't love me as much as she used to. I'm not just talking about sex. Stuff like where she'll curl upto me or take & hold my hand. She doesn't do that very often and I love initmacy.

 

That is what also bothers me when I told her how much this pool thing is upsetting me you would think she would say 'Well if it's bothering you this much I won't play'. Nope, not Brandy. She thinks about herself first. She has majority of the time.

 

It's like she makes things more difficult then they have to be. If she were to show me some respect and love things would be SO much different.

 

I'm blinded in that, I do see them but I don't want to resign myself to say that they are deal breakers.

 

I can't believe that she can't think this might not destroy our marriage. Maybe she's at a point that she really doesn't care.

 

If I allow myself to be a doormat I'll be walked on.

 

I should not have to compete against anyone else for me to be her #1 in her life.

 

It was me who has bascially given her everything she's wanted. Been there financially, physically, emotionally. Yet, I don't even feel respected, and he's the noble one?

 

I don't even know what she feels anymore. She says she loves me and is married to me. I know she likes the drama, and it's something I can do without. It only hurts people.

 

But I just feel like she kicks me when I'm down when she says she's having so much fun. She's gotten frustrated saying 'I dont know what else to tell you, that I'm not talking to him.'. She's even threatened to say that if this continues that she would.

 

We got married and 2 months later she went to talk to him. At that point I told her it's either him or the marriage. I was done with this. I'm not doing this anymore.

 

However I have a tendency to keep reminding myself on the good things about her. How much I would miss if she wasn't in my life.

 

Like I told her numerous times, I just want to live a happy, peaceful life with her.

 

When we were just friends I remember her saying that she would never get married or live with a guy.

 

Well last night she came home.. I just had one question for her: "When are you packing up your things and leaving?"

 

I'm so pissed right now. Yea, I know.. More of the same from the past. I talked to her mom last night and she told me to just tell her to leave. This isn't a healthy marriage because of what she's doing.

 

How we are not compatible, i'm not strong, she doesn't respect me saying I'm not an authority figure to her (I have no clue wtf that means), etc.. She then said would you give me a divorce if I wanted one? I'm like yep. I then told her that you have never taken responsibility for what you've had done. That it's your actions that have made me this way. I said your anger outburst for no reason is not normal. She's like just because you don't do it doesn't mean it's not normal. You are trying to fix me.

 

Her talking about divorce, yet she tells me she loves me the next morning. She keeps saying 'Im married to you, that should be enough'. It's not though. I need for her to be honest, show me the love she has for me, stand up for me when it comes to her dad and to stop trying to sneak around with the ex.

 

She said some very hurtful things last night such as if she would've waited on marrying me, she would have not gotten married, etc..

 

All my stress right now is due to her and this situation. I am really tired of it. I'm tired of living on the edge. I told her last night if you want drama you married the wrong guy. Maybe it truly takes me walking out on her for her to get the message.

 

Thing is I really never see this ending. Once this pool thing ends, it'll eventually be something else. I'm not going to be wasting my life away on someone who's going to eventually leave me due to her not putting her foot down with her dad and start to make some changes on her own.

 

What kind of bull**** is that? The fun never ends? Forget it. I'm not going to visit her. If that's how she protrays me to her co-workers/friends then she can goto hell

 

She's told me that after the day when I come with my needs it's just too much for her to handle.

 

So it's basically the same. If things don't clear up in a few weeks, I'm gone. The way she's treating me and the way her attitude is, is very wrong. She's not being a wife to me. I know what most of you are all going to say, it's been said before.

 

Does everyone go through this much drama? Is this a norm?

 

The convo eventually just turned to her saying she wants to move out, she doesnt even know if she loves me anymore and that 'I drive her crazy' and give her too much stress..

 

She was just so cold to me. She didnt even want to hear what I had to say. She just said I was stressing her out even more. Right now i'm numb.

 

I love her but I want her to know that I am serious about this.

 

In fact I think she has a great love for me and it's one of the things I treasure most in my life.

I asked her last night what she wanted to do. She got very defensive and upset. Saying 'If I was going to move out I would tell you', I said you told me Wed. you were looking. She said 'I only looked, that doesn't mean I'm leaving'.

 

I asked her how could she put me on a roller coaster like this? You tell me you love me one day and then the next say these things. Her reply was 'I try to love you'. WTF? She said she cares for me? Like I'm some sort of dog now?

 

When do you say enough?

 

It puts my mind into a loop because of this jekyll/hyde attitude. I can tell now that what she says and what she means are different things. As in if I call her bluff she will back down

 

I still don't believe anything is going to change. Right now its obvious she doesn't want to talk about it. I can't assume she doesn't love me or doesn't want to be with me or that she wants to be with someone else although it's hard not to think that way at times. Just have to take it day by day I guess. Really not much has been resolved.

 

 

Take a good, hard look at what YOU posted. Then take a step back. What advice would you give if you read this from another poster?? What advice Have you already given posters about their situations?

 

Now, you'll probably say how mean I am for responding and bringing up everything you wrote in your post. But, hey, when someone refers to me treating/talking badly about them when I am trying to help it pisses me off. What you should take out of this is - geez, she spent all that time looking at my post - maybe she is doing it because she cares. You have been defensive to anyone whose advice, outlook and perspective is different than what you want to hear. Not just to me but to many posters. If you want to get mad at anyone - get mad at yourself and your wife.

 

Maybe you should read your own little link and follow that advice because you clearly aren't listening to other people's advice.

 

__________________

Problems with your relationship, click this link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t46941/

[whichwayisup]

I told her that these past 3-4 weeks have been hard on me, mainly because of the stuff going on with the ex. She said she knows, but says its unfair for me to say she can't go over to her dad's because he is there. She said it's not going to happen all the time, I told her he was with them the past two Sundays. And hanging out after the match with him being around is not cool. She thinks its fine because as she puts it, 'nothing is going on', however I think it is very wrong. It's not that I don't trust her, it's that he has always been in on our relationship/marriage. I want that to end.

 

Funny thing is Jeff, she has NO idea how much control she could take back from her Dad. All she has to do is tell him, "I will come and see you - But if the EX is there, I will not come over. If I'm there and he shows up unexpectedly, I'm out the door!" It is SO easy...But she is scared to stand up to him and take the 'fallout' by saying that to him. If she can ever get to that frame of mind where she actually CAN say that to him, I do believe that things will improve as she will be taking back some control that her dad has over her.

 

Take a good, hard look at what YOU posted. Then take a step back. What advice would you give if you read this from another poster?? What advice Have you already given posters about their situations?

 

Deb, everybody knows it's easier to GIVE advice than actually take it. That's just human nature. It's not the easiest thing to do when it's your own life turned upside down. I commend Jeff for how he's been. If that was me in that situation and my husband was doing what Brandy was doing I don't think I'd be so level headed. I'd be a F**K'n wreck.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by jmargel

MWC,

 

All I want is her ex to stop being in our marriage. Alot of the resentment that we have for each other right now is because of this issue. What am I suppose to do when this season ends in August and if they all want to be on the same team again? Brandy told me earlier that it was her ex that called her dad and asked to come over on Sunday night. He knew full well that she was going to be there. Even if nothing is going on, it is still inappropirate. For the past two years since Brandy & I have been together all he has been doing is hanging around her family. Last summer when he was calling her he was asking for her back, I know because I was there when he called.

 

I want to live in a marriage with just my wife. Not with other people trying to interfere with it.

 

Hey, I know this guy named vinnie......

 

 

sowwy

[blind_otter]

You can offer advice but IMO the best way to alienate someone is to get angry when they don't take your advice. You can hold out your hand and offer food to a hungry man, but if he isn't willing to eat it, it doesn't make much sense to slap him upside the head for refusing to eat!!

[Debster]

You can offer advice but IMO the best way to alienate someone is to get angry when they don't take your advice. You can hold out your hand and offer food to a hungry man, but if he isn't willing to eat it, it doesn't make much sense to slap him upside the head for refusing to eat!!

 

I agree, but than it is so frustrating to keep hear this hungry man crying about how hungry he is. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Over and over again. But then keep on refusing to eat. And not only that, but then react negatively to someone offering him food. If we were to keep this analogy: He is biting the hand that feeds him. And yes, if someone bites my hand, then I DO get mad and decide to say whatever. Maybe you deserve to starve.

[CurlyIam]

One is intitle to get upset when the hungry persons slaps your hand and throws the food it was meant to feed him on the ground. The time and energy spent at cooking that food could have been directed somewhere else. No one said the hungry man had to eat. A thank you, I don't care for your cooking would have been just fine!

 

I think Debster has a good point. HE'll only listen to what he wants to hear. Sorry, Jeff, you wife will kiss you and be sweet to you only until she gets you so submit to her way and let her have things her way. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, I'm sure she does. She's simply selfish, inconsiderate, disrespectful, unappreciative, and always having an unlterior reason for being nice. That's all.

 

I'm also done with replying to this thread. I think you know my pov, I've said it clear. I've also predicted she'll threatern you with leaving and also said numerous times that she doesn't have the balls to do it. Wel,, from my point of view, you've been warned. I really don't see why, given that you're not changing the way you behave towards her or towards people that surround you, you expect her to change or the situation to get better. It's stupid and unrealistic.

 

Right now she's young and inlove. Wait a couple of years till she realises she's the boss and she dominates you completely. See the type of treatment you'll get then. It's not a threat. It's a realistical predicament. Enjoy!

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Debster

I agree, but than it is so frustrating to keep hear this hungry man crying about how hungry he is. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Over and over again. But then keep on refusing to eat. And not only that, but then react negatively to someone offering him food. If we were to keep this analogy: He is biting the hand that feeds him. And yes, if someone bites my hand, then I DO get mad and decide to say whatever. Maybe you deserve to starve.

 

Only God can judge, eh? better to say, it's his choice to starve...

[Debster]

Only God can judge, eh? better to say, it's his choice to starve...

 

As with many other posters, I'm done with this thread.

Starve away.

[jmargel]

If you don't want to post here, that is your choice. Like the one poster here said, it's easy to give advice but when it's your life you try to want to make the best decisions for yourself & your spouse.

 

I will be the first to say my wife's reactions to things are not normal. Why she does what she does, I don't know. I know in my heart that if she continues to have contact with him outside the pool match or she is not on a different team after this season then I will be gone. Those are not just words either it's how I feel inside. If she can't respect me enough to follow these simple requests then I know her marriage to me doesn't mean as much as it should.

 

She wanted to start off fresh, that's fine if it means that both of us change our behavior. If she is still going to do the same old, then it's not going to work, period. And it won't take long to figure out. Even though I've known her for close to 3 years I am finally seeing alot of the immaturity that she has. Alot of the selfishness and desire to be in control. I guess love is blind.

 

I have also made big steps as well. If not for this board and her wanting to leave I would be the one going to her and pleading and telling her why she should stay. With your help & the counselor's help telling her with confidence that I want her to leave quickly the other night was a different but big step for me. I was not like that in my previous relationship I let my heart bleed for her and she took advantage of it.

 

WWIV, with her telling her dad that's one thing. But what bothers me is that she doesn't mind her ex being there. If it were to have bothered her she would have never stayed out as late as she did on Monday night with all of them. If she continues to put my feelings aside and not make me her #1 priority then I am gone. There are too many women out there that would put me as more important.

[moimeme]

That's more like it! You deserve better, JM. It's ok to make allowances for someone's issues from time to time, but she treats you terribly (per your own words, as Debster pointed out) and that's just not acceptable. As for the current developments, I fear it's the work of a master manipulator. However maybe your insistence on her going was the fabled 'wake-up call' she needed. Now continue to stick to your guns and don't let her cuddle and kiss you into softening again and see if she actually follows through with the changes you want.

[whichwayisup]

WWIV, with her telling her dad that's one thing. But what bothers me is that she doesn't mind her ex being there. If it were to have bothered her she would have never stayed out as late as she did on Monday night with all of them. If she continues to put my feelings aside and not make me her #1 priority then I am gone. There are too many women out there that would put me as more important.

 

Exactly!! WHY doesn't it bother her that he's hanging around??? That is the million dollar question. Ex's are Ex's for a reason and most of us who have been in previous bad and abusive relationships DO NOT keep intouch with ex's like that.

 

Her priorities are screwed up and until she puts him out in the trash and you first, things won't change much, unless you take the bull by the horn and change it for her. And for yourself...but you know that already...

 

Another weekend on the way, so do take care of yourself. Do something fun for yourself and turn it off for a while if you can. Or just get hammered!

[jmargel]

She tells me she thinks of him more like a "friend" than anything. That she's seen that he hasn't changed from before. Awhile back I came across a journal she kept about her dreams. When writing down about this one particular dream before she even met me, she mentioned that she has never felt that bond with her ex that couples should with each other. That "something" was never there.

 

My POV in this is that if it makes me that uncomfortable then she should put the brakes on what she's doing. That's when I don't feel like I'm #1 in her life. That I'm "just her husband" more like a label than anything else. Like I said before unless she changes soon I will be gone. There is no way I am going to go through the whole summer while she continues to do this. Because it'll eventually lead to other things in the fall, winter, etc..

 

I feel alot of resentment towards her and I told her that last night. Very, very rarely will she say she's sorry to me when she does something wrong. It's just the way she is. When I met her, her beauty attracted me but what really got me was the way she was when we first met. I dated for a couple years after my ex and she was the only one that seemed to have made a connection with me. I just feel through all this arguing and resentment this connection is being lost. It's like we are two bulls ramming into each other trying to get our points across. She can't expect me to 'just let things go' and not be so attached to her when she's out like this. She just won't either understand or give in to what I need so that I could give her what she needs.

 

I'm almost positive nothing is going to change. Maybe I'm wrong but it just feels like the same old, same old.

[whichwayisup]

She can't expect me to 'just let things go' and not be so attached to her when she's out like this. She just won't either understand or give in to what I need so that I could give her what she needs.

 

That is the thing...That detachment, atleast emotionally will (has already) happen and you don't have any control over that. We can only take so much s*** before our hearts/minds shut down and back away.

 

You're right, same old, day in and day out. Time will tell, her actions will tell in the upcoming weeks ahead. She if she makes any improvements and hopefully she does. That behaviour should be rewarded with affection, but not too much. If there is no improvement, she suffers the consquences of her actions.

[moimeme]

her beauty attracted me but what really got me was the way she was when we first met.

 

And this, JM, is the trap we all fall into - believing the first months are indicative of how a person really is. What you (and most of us, I wager) have realized now is that those first few months rarely offer reliable information about what a person is really like. It's normal to want to be on one's best behaviour when you meet someone new, and to, consiously or subconsiously, want to downplay or even hide one's flaws and faults. So people fall ''madly in love" with the person they first know, only to meet an entirely different person later.

 

And then they hang on and cling and keep hoping that that 'first person' was the 'real' person and that that 'real' person will come back if only they (insert all the things you've done or all the things I've done or any of us have done). But the sad fact is that we need to be smarter about this; to realize even in the thrall of that first admiration, that we are very likely deluding ourselves into believing that *this* is the 'real' person-of-your-dreams.

 

You can't know someone well until you've spent a minimum of a year in that person's company. You think you know everything about them, but you just can't. As I recall, it was just shortly before you two moved in together (8 months into your relationship) that the big troubles really started. That's right on schedule. If a relationship is going to go off the rails, that's very often about when it happens - and that's why I strongly recommend to everyone to not even think of marrying until they've known each other a year.

 

That person you fell in love with doesn't really exist, JM. The person you're living with is the 'real' Brandy, I'm afraid.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by jmargel

Awhile back I came across a journal she kept about her dreams. When writing down about this one particular dream before she even met me, she mentioned that she has never felt that bond with her ex that couples should with each other. That "something" was never there.

 

So what are you so worried about if you two have that "something"?

 

YOUR feelings:

 

My POV in this is that if it makes me that uncomfortable then she should put the brakes on what she's doing. That's when I don't feel like I'm #1 in her life.

 

HER feelings:

 

She tells me she thinks of him more like a "friend" than anything. That she's seen that he hasn't changed from before.

 

You need to get over your insecurities. You already got the girl! She's not going back to her ex. Just because he's still in her life due to the fact that he's her dad's friend now, doesn't mean that she has any romantic feelings for him.

 

Alot of people can remain friends with their ex's and they're not about to let their partner pick and choose who their friends can be.

 

And I agree with Moimeme....this is the real Brandy.

[Moose]

My last post here.........maybe......I had yesterday off but I was thinking about my LS'rs, (always do) , and Jeff came to mind.

 

I kinda knew something would happen Thur. night like this. And again, the winner of that round is Brandy. And, while she was at it......she planted several, "sleepers",......(maybe pregnant, is sick, tired.....) sorry Jeff.....this is what I see.........

 

If Brandy is sincere in being your wife for life, she needs to stand up to her Dad in your regards. She needs to make it clear to him that you're her husband, and will be for life. That he needs to accept, and respect her decision to make such a commitment with you. It now, more or less, puts her Dad in the position to defend his daughter's decision, thus, his duty to protect it.............DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING? If not, let me explain further.......if Brandy can't step up to the plate and bat for you, turn her own Father around.......she's not sincerely in this marriage.

 

Next:

 

YOU, Jeff.......need to relax a bit. Imagine if Brandy and her Ex had a child together.........he would be part of Brandy's life for as long as that child lives and breathes. You would never be able to handle that, so now is the time to learn how. He happens to be buddies with her Dad......(remember, if Brandy's Dad was one with his daughter's decision, he wouldn't allow her ex to be around when she comes out), so......they're liable to run into one another from time to time.

 

We run into people we've dated......partied with, slept with years after the fact, it happens. You need to come to grips with that. Your wife needs your confidence in her to handle occasional run-ins with her ex(s). Demonstrate it to her, and she'll respect you for it. So much so, that whenever there's a future possibilty she may have a run in, she may begin to inform you beforehand. She didn't tell you about her ex being there because she knew what your reaction would be given the history.

 

If she knew that you'd react with complete trust in her, she would do better to not let you down. Do the opposite and you're inviting the opposite.

 

I'm done......for now.

[Mr Spock]

Moose has a point. She needs to be defending YOU against her dad. This is why I'm pretty sure she uses him and her ex as a sounding board for your behaviour. She complains to them when you do jerk things (and you do Jmargel, you do-you're not a husband you're a guardian. Stop it) instead of arguing with YOU like she should because you are assuming the role of a parent/protector thing and it's not working out at ALL. You can't change her behaviour without working on yourself.

 

 

Maybe others are so hard on your wife because they like you (or your persona on here) but I am not afflicted by that particular disorder so I say that there are still things that YOU can do to improve the situation. A big part of that is letting go of some things. Picking your battles.