I need some help here

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You said it so well what I was trying to say about the ex.

[jmargel]

I won't go into much detail but things got worse. On Sat. she went to her step-brother's grad. party at her dad's. Of course they invited her ex. She was only suppose to be there 2 hours, called a little later to ask if she could stay longer. I said fine, asked if her ex was there. She was like 'Yes, but..' Then gave him the phone! He was cocky, and I sounded off on him. I asked her WTF did you think you are doing? She thought by giving him the phone that he would say I have nothing to worry about? I was pissed, like I was going to believe him anyways.

 

She didn't get home until 10, she actually rode with him to the store AFTER this phone call. Her step-mom needed something from the store.

 

She got home, we had about an hour long talk. She admitted that she has not been 100% into this marriage the past few months, and that it hurts her that me & her dad aren't getting along. Of course I did the usually 'You don't respect me, etc.' speech. She has now said that she will not be over at her dad's if her ex is there and these pool matches she'll be home at 10:30-11:00 (they usually end around 10-10:30). Right now those are just words to me, if she fails to live upto this then I'm done. I talked to my parents yesterday morning about this. She wanted to go out to dinner with them last night, we did but the subject was not brought up.

 

I want to believe things will change but past behavior has shown me otherwise. We spent Sunday together but even though we were getting along I still have all this resentment, anger & hurt in me. It tarnishes the moments I spend with her. How can I let that go? Right now I am just expecting the worse. Do I go by her word and let all this stuff in the past just drop like she wants me to? I know alot of you will say I deserve what I get, etc.. I should have kicked her out a long time ago. Maybe I should have, but that's in the past.

 

My main goal is for this marriage to work out, she said now she is willing to do these things. I haven't asked her to quit the pool team. Maybe I should of, I don't know.

[Moose]

Do I go by her word and let all this stuff in the past just drop like she wants me to?

Yes.

I haven't asked her to quit the pool team. Maybe I should of, I don't know.

No, not quit, but you should insist on being at the matches.....regardless of who's there.

 

You said you delivered the usual, "you don't respect me", speech. People get sick and tired of people who state the obvious. You should never revert back to it. You know the definition on insanity, right? You have to earn that respect back Jeff.......you're not the innocent one in this either.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Moose, definately tell her you're going to be at the matches.

 

That a-hole ex has some nerve taking the phone like that. He is fully aware of what he's doing, and by him doing that just confirmed it. She knows that too which is why she said she will come home right away. Hate to say this, but I do believe she is telling you what you want to hear - Will do this for a little while and then slip back. I hope that doesn't happen but the way things are going...She isn't giving you much hope.

 

Actions speaks louder than words...

 

She is acting like a kid in a candy store and can't control herself - Like she is going to "miss out" on something huge if she isn't hanging out with her dad and ex. I don't see wtf is so special there and what she is getting out of it.

[jmargel]

Moose, I know I'm not innocent but how do you expect a husband to act when something like this happens? What techniques would you use to get yourself over the feeling of betrayal & hurt? How do I force myself to think positive?

 

Such as tonight, even though I will be busy doing my own thing during the evening, my mind is going to wander and when it does it's not positive. She's playing her matches tonight. I told her Sat. night that unfortunetly she is in the middle of this between me & her dad, and she has to play referee. That I want things to be reconciled and if he doesn't then that is not my fault.

 

She was going to go to her dad's last night to shoot, she told me that her ex wasn't going to be there, that he told her so that she could practice. She didn't go because they weren't home. I truly want to believe she is going to put all her effort into this. Even going to these matches I have a feeling something could happen. Her ex is a total dick and I know any confrontation we get into will have her dad on his side. I still want to go to at least one or two of them.

 

It's just nerve racking because 5 hours, where at most she shoots for 30-45 mins. The rest of the time she just tells me she watches everyone else play pool? That's alot of time just to sit there and watch. I wouldn't be so paranoid if all these things didn't happen in the past. I've always went by 'Future behavior is based on past behavior'.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

I agree with Moose, definately tell her you're going to be at the matches.

 

That a-hole ex has some nerve taking the phone like that. He is fully aware of what he's doing, and by him doing that just confirmed it. She knows that too which is why she said she will come home right away. Hate to say this, but I do believe she is telling you what you want to hear - Will do this for a little while and then slip back. I hope that doesn't happen but the way things are going...She isn't giving you much hope.

 

Actions speaks louder than words...

 

She is acting like a kid in a candy store and can't control herself - Like she is going to "miss out" on something huge if she isn't hanging out with her dad and ex. I don't see wtf is so special there and what she is getting out of it.

 

That's how I feel WWIV. Things will slip back to the way they are now after a little while. I need to get across to her that I want to be at these matches to cheer her on, not because I don't trust what's going on (in reality, I don't) but my main reason to want to be there is for her.

[Moose]

I know I'm not innocent but how do you expect a husband to act when something like this happens?

Personally, I would've been there already. But, since you weren't......you should've went over there and gathered your wife. I know the situation over there isn't the best and chances would be that there would be a confrontation. So, I would've called the police, (non-emergency line), to let them know your intentions and the situation. This way......you've got your back covered, and it's a perfectly legal technique. Legally speaking, you are your wife's next of kin. Her Father doesn't have the right to harbor her, unless it's by her choice. It would put your wife on the spot.....but that's where you want her to be anyway.

What techniques would you use to get yourself over the feeling of betrayal & hurt?

I don't really have any techniques.......I can appreciate what you're saying though. Again, I don't see myself in the same situation. I suppose I'd busy myself with my projects, and not dwell on it. Thinking about it, imagining the worst, going through possible scenarios will drive you crazy man. The best thing for you is to be there. Period. You have to insist on it. That's the only way you'll have peace, that's the only way to have positive thoughts about it. Because you'd know for certain that nothing is going on.....you were there.

I told her Sat. night that unfortunetly she is in the middle of this between me & her dad, and she has to play referee.

Wrong. She's the brunt of it. There's no referee-in' needed. She needs to set her Dad straight. That needs to be the end of it.

Even going to these matches I have a feeling something could happen.

And I agree. But that would not, by any stretch of the imagination, stop me from going. And it shouldn't stop you either. Remember, if something does happen......you're both gonna get hurt. That includes him........be prepared, and defend yourself......you'll gain a helluva lor more respect this way than if you stay at home driving yourself nutts.

 

Like I said, I'm not an advocate for fighting. But there are some times in your life where you need to stand your ground and claim your respect.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by jmargel

and that it hurts her that me & her dad aren't getting along.

 

I think that this very issue is the one that is the biggest problem....I dont think the problem is with her ex.

 

 

I told her Sat. night that unfortunetly she is in the middle of this between me & her dad, and she has to play referee. That I want things to be reconciled and if he doesn't then that is not my fault.

 

I still want to go to at least one or two of them.

 

Then go to one or two. Go to them with the mindset that you are cheering her on and not watching over her. Go with a positive attitude. Shower her dad and ex with kindness. Be nice, buy them a picther of beer. Be humble and show kindness. Keep a smile on your face. Thats how you will break this cycle. ONE of you has to let go....be the good guy Jeff. If her dad or ex confronts you.....be kind back to them. As hard as that may be for you....do it. At least YOU know you are trying to reconcile.

 

And Moose was right on the money with this:

If Brandy is sincere in being your wife for life, she needs to stand up to her Dad in your regards. She needs to make it clear to him that you're her husband, and will be for life. That he needs to accept, and respect her decision to make such a commitment with you. It now, more or less, puts her Dad in the position to defend his daughter's decision, thus, his duty to protect it.............DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING? If not, let me explain further.......if Brandy can't step up to the plate and bat for you, turn her own Father around.......she's not sincerely in this marriage.

 

Next:

 

YOU, Jeff.......need to relax a bit. Imagine if Brandy and her Ex had a child together.........he would be part of Brandy's life for as long as that child lives and breathes. You would never be able to handle that, so now is the time to learn how. He happens to be buddies with her Dad......(remember, if Brandy's Dad was one with his daughter's decision, he wouldn't allow her ex to be around when she comes out), so......they're liable to run into one another from time to time.

 

Brandy needs to do this....as hard as it is for her to take a stand to her dad...she needs to do it, NOW. The 3 of you need to sit down and end this cycle. If her dad wants to continue his ways...then thats the baggage he needs to carry....but you dont need to play this game anymore.....let it go Jeff.....be humble, be nice to him...shower him with kindness.....continoue these acts of happieness and kindness......do not wander......show in your words and actions that YOU will not be bothered by his ways.....

 

Brandy hides her actions becuase she dont want to deal with the arguments. IF you can show that YOU can be civil and humble.....then she will start to see that the problem lies with her dad....not YOU....and she will respect you more if you make changes in your attitude towards her dad.

 

 

Do I go by her word and let all this stuff in the past just drop like she wants me to?

 

YES.....but she needs to do just what Moose said....she needs to let her dad know that she is married to you and that you will be around for a long time. and the sooner you 2 start getting along, the better the whole situation will be.

 

 

Go to one of her matches....tell her, you want to see her play. Just go and be the happies guy in the bar....dont let you body langues show that your on guard....let it show that you are strong...but NOT in the defensive way....

 

A humble man is a happy man.......

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I don't understand why you didn't go with her to her step-brother's grad party. Isn't that a family event? She should not have accepted the invite without asking if it was okay fory ou to come along and made sure that her dad minds his manners (yeah right, eh?)

[Mr Spock]

How can you expect things to change when you are not changing?? You even SAID you gave the "usual" you do not repsect me speech. The USUAL!!!!!!!!!

 

You are fighting a losing battle and you refuse to change. You need to suck it up and make nice with her dad for the sake of your marriage, which you've said is so important to you. Don't you get it??? That should be YOU who is friends with her Dad, that should be YOU invited on the pool team. But it's not, because you don't agree with him and think he's an ass. Well guess what. So do 98 percent of everyone else's husbands. IN LAWS ARE NEVER FUN. You are driving a wedge into your wife's loyalties to her FATHER and her HUSBAND. That is never a good combo.

 

 

Blood ties tend to be the strongest-one may not always like their family, but they always love them. Deep down, somewhere at least.

[jmargel]

Well it's kinda hard when he doesn't even want to talk to me. I have no problem talking to him and will 'suck it up' regarding her dad, for Brandy. I have told her this a number of times. But you are right, she needs to stand up and tell him that she is married to me. I told her she should be saying this to her ex as well. I've already talked to him once and we got together for breakfast in the beginning of May. At that time they all knew her ex would be on the team and I was kept from knowing that.

 

Me talking to him again won't do any good. He's not going to stop inviting the ex over while she is there. It's Brandy that needs to say something to him. However I don't even think that would make a difference because she is still with me and her dad is still doing the same thing. If he wanted to defend her decision he would have backed off by now. If she wanted to leave she would have packed up her things and moved in with him. She hasn't.

 

I told her Sat. night that I would do what you wanted in regards to your dad. But she needs to make the initial communication to him and make things clear on what she wants. Her hanging out like this with the ex is just showing her dad that what he is doing is working and she would rather be with him.

 

MWC, I agree with you. When her ex took the phone he was like in a cocky attitude 'Oh, come down to this school house (its near her dad's place) and we'll talk things out.' I wasn't about to ruin her step-brother's party because of this dick, so I didn't. I would have loved to but I knew how things were going to turn out. I would end up in jail for beating his ass.

 

Not only am I still upset about past events, I'm just thinking negative about our future when it's only been 5 weeks since this started.

[whichwayisup]

Spock, you can't MAKE SOMEBODY like you or even accept you if they have no intention of doing so. It's like leading a horse to water! Jeff can kiss his ass and bend over backwards for Brandy's father - IT WILL not make a difference because the father has CHOSEN not to like Jeff or give him a chance. He knows Jeff can see through his bulls*** and my wild guess is he's probably scared of him too so being the big ol' a-hole and controlling daddy is the only way he knows how to keep control.

 

It's not right, Brandy's father is not well in the head and his actions are proof of it. One would think he would want the best for his daughter, see her happy with a man who loves her and treats her well, right?

 

You are driving a wedge into your wife's loyalties to her FATHER and her HUSBAND. That is never a good combo.

 

No, Brandy is doing that on her own. If my mother treated my husband poorly or if my father was still alive and he hated my husband for some reason, I WOULD stand up to my parents and give THEM the choice - Either accept him and try your best to get along or you won't be seeing me very often. THAT is the right thing for Brandy to do but she is so scared of standing up to her father! I mean she is NOT a child by any means but her mentality level right now is questionable as her actions have proved so far.

 

With the history Brandy has, one would think she'd be RUNNING like hell to get away from her family!!!

[Slapshot2286]

Well, again, I didn't read everyone else's replies (sorry....), but I will give one piece of advice. Don't let yourself slip into the controlling husband role. When I read what you were talking about, it kind of sounds obsessive. Not that you're the cause of the problem, at all. But when you try to make sure she's home at a certain time, etc, etc, it can feel somewhat controlling to her, which will only push her more. Also, you were saying that she even went to the store with him after the phone call, as if its a sin for her to ride in the car with him. I realize that its him, and that she may be lying and they wouldn't just be riding in the car together, but you can't let yourself become too engrossed in it. It is not a bad thing for her to ride in the car with people, even if its her ex. My personal beliefs are that marriage is based on trust. If you believe in this marriage, and you're committed to it, then your assuming she's going out and cheating is not contributing to the well-being of the marriage either. You may very well be wrong, and she might be cheating, but at least you can live with the fact that you gave it your all. In the end, doing the right things will mean a whole lot more anyway.

 

What I'm trying to say is that it sounded like you were tip-toeing the line between being concerned and hurt, and being jealous and controlling (in my mind at least). I've done it in my relationship, that's how I know what it looks like. Being jealous and controlling will push her into doing something like that. I suggest you do the sit-back-and-wait thing. Lie still, don't let her see that these things get to you, and observe. It may sound ridiculous, but if there's any foul play, she'll eventually bringi t up on her own because she'll think YOU don't care about HER.

 

 

If others disagree, please say so. I don't know much about anything lol.

[moimeme]

You are driving a wedge into your wife's loyalties to her FATHER and her HUSBAND. That is never a good combo.

 

When people grow up, they choose spouses. Those spouses become their families and the people to whom they owe first loyalty. The parents have done the job of raising them and it's the parents' job to step back and away from the relationship if they don't agree with it or to remain involved if everyone gets along.

 

Some people have to 'divorce' their parents in order to conduct functional relationships with their spouses.

[Ladyjane14]

There's only one of two ways you can go here.

 

One, you take the hard-line...."my way or the highway".

 

Two, you get in there and play the game.....only you WIN by playing it better.

 

It's only a loss of pride when you don't KNOW for a fact that you're just f*cking with everyone's mind. Personally, it wouldn't worry me a bit to play it smarter than "Redneck Dad" or "Used-up Boyfriend".

 

Although, some days....I have to admit, I just don't have THAT kind of energy.

 

And maybe, that's the bit that's bothering you. Of course, you can out-wit the hillbilly relatives, but it takes away from the prize that you'd have to go to the trouble.

 

I'd have NEVER let my father put his hands on MY husband. That's what's kept dear ole' Dad from doing it....more than once. I think maybe you want that kind of support from your wife, but she's letting you down in that respect.

 

Either she'll grow into it....or she won't. But if you play the game to win, you'll buy her some "growing" time.

 

Something to think about, anyway.

[johan]

Never mind.

[Mr Spock]

You can preach all you want that Jmargel is now the "family" but it appears to me from the START of this relationship there has been resentment of the father and ex, and Jmargel is the one who stands to lose in this game he's playing.

 

I wish you the best of luck dude.

[jmargel]

LadyJane,

 

That's how I feel. I shouldn't have to play head games regarding my own wife and in-laws. It's stupid and immature. That is crap for high school, not now. When I told her the other day I wanted her home the lastest by 11:00 she agreed. I was actually surprised that she came home a little after 10:30. She had 3 wine coolers, which I held back, but just told her I don't want her drinking as much. Serves her right that she threw-up about 30 mins later.

 

I have a friend that might go in and just check around every now & then while she's playing in these matches. At least if she does this it's some peace of mind. Slapshot.. I read your post but one thing I can guanatee that if *I* were the one doing this I would have been shot. For example I have a friend who lives a few states away, last year I called her to see how she was doing. I mentioned briefly how Brandy & me were having little problems here & there. Anyway after I called her, I told Brandy that I did just to say Hi. Brandy got so wound up that she went through all my emails to see if I emailed her, then called her! When Kat answered, I guess she answered the phone by saying "Good Morning' and Brandy took it as a way of her saying it as flirtatious or something. Kat never expected Brandy to call, so it got ugly quick.

 

Same thing with that friend, Stacey. When I told Brandy she emailed me she went through all my emails again! I told her that there was only a few that was written back & forth and I had one on my computer. All I mentioned was that I hope you have a good day. Brandy got upset about that! The whole reason for that was so that we could have another couple to go out with. So if she flips out on little things like that how is it fair that I am suppose to put up with her spending time w/ her ex at family functions!

 

I still don't believe this is going to last, but I have to give her one last chance. I talked to her mom last night and told her that. She said she perfectly understands. In the mean time I will lie still like the other poster said. If something is going on it will come out.

[billybadass36]

My gosh. What would happen if you wanted to go out of town for a long weekend with some buddies of yours? What would happen if she wanted to do the same?

 

Jealousy, mistrust, suspicion, verbal (and at least once physical) assaults, headgames, deceit, lurking about, spying, snooping, airing your dirty laundry to everyone outside the marriage that will listen to you....the cornerstones of a healthy marriage.

[Mz. Pixie]

"MWC, I agree with you. When her ex took the phone he was like in a cocky attitude 'Oh, come down to this school house (its near her dad's place) and we'll talk things out.' I wasn't about to ruin her step-brother's party because of this dick, so I didn't. I would have loved to but I knew how things were going to turn out. I would end up in jail for beating his ass."

 

WHAT?? She put her ex on the phone and this is what he said?? She has no respect for you. She shouldn't BE there when he is, much less handing your phone call to him.

 

She is going to have to earn back what she has spent time destroying in this marriage and you can't fault yourself for being upset with her right now. If she starts to revert back into her old patterns it will be up to you to call her on her behavior.

[Moose]

I wonder if Brandy's ex has a new girlfriend that Jeff can go to activities with...........give them a taste of their own medicine.

[CurlyIam]

Who'd be this crazy to stay with this abuser loser type of guy? You're dreaming, he doesn't even want a gf, he wants someone to torture for is own pleasure. And by sticking around Brandy, he can do that two person, Brandy and Jeff! and having a blast too, since everything that he's been trying has worked - seeing her when he wanted, being with her on a pool gamen talking to her when he wanted, hanging around her family and around her hen he wanted... Jeff is non existant, nada, niente! this makes me think of the bullies in highschool beating the crap out of skinny guys who had no chance of either leaving or winning the fight.

[Mz. Pixie]

Moose,

 

No way does this guy have a girlfriend. No girlfriend would put up with that much contact with an ex or ex's family. NO WAY! I can see my bf wanting to do all of that with an ex or ex's family. I'd say, "Well if you want to be with her that bad, go to it baby"

[Moose]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Moose,

 

No way does this guy have a girlfriend. No girlfriend would put up with that much contact with an ex or ex's family. NO WAY! I can see my bf wanting to do all of that with an ex or ex's family. I'd say, "Well if you want to be with her that bad, go to it baby"

I agree......I was just being silly really......

[jmargel]

Like I said before if she messes up, it's over. She has to rebuild what she damaged. Her ex never got involved with anyone yet. No one wants him. All he does is drink & gamble. If she wants that then let her go for it. I deserve better. One thing I am certain of is that I will never take her back. Once this summer is over she will not be on the same team as him, it's either that or the marriage is over. I am still either going to hire a PI or have my friend sit in every now and then. She mentioned when she was shooting pool last night against her opponent that the other team was upset because she was standing next to him. Guess becuase he's a high rank (whoopie). They thought he was telling her what to do, she just said she was venting on the shots she missed. Hell, they are probably joined at the hip all night. That's what I want to find out. If she is, then it's over.

 

On another note, my eyes were swollen shut, got into some poison on sunday. Went to the ER this morning, they just gave me steroids. I look like a freak right now

 

About 2 hours later my mom called. My grandmother was hit by a car crossing the street this morning. They rushed her to the same hospital I was at earlier this morning. She was bleeding alot, CAT scans came back good, but they are still checking on her. Seems like it never ends. She's the sweetest person in the world too. I don't believe it was the car's fault. I'm going to visit her tonight.