I need some help here

[whichwayisup]

Johan, have you been reading a different thread? Or have you skimmed through and not really read what the problems are? Just curious.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Moose

I've covered that Spock. Jeff is technically Brandy's next of Kin now. He has every right to go over there and ask to speak to Brandy......if she chooses to stay there and doesn't wish Jeff to be there with her, she will literally have to tell Jeff in the presence of the police.

 

No moose, I meant if the EX is over there and Jmargel shows up. Calling the police telling the there MAY be violence will only prompt them to tell JMargel to not go over there if he thinks there will be a fight.

[Moose]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

No moose, I meant if the EX is over there and Jmargel shows up. Calling the police telling the there MAY be violence will only prompt them to tell JMargel to not go over there if he thinks there will be a fight.

Well, this may be true in your area Spock. Around in these here parts, (Ozark Mountains), if a man calls the law to let them know he's going to collect his wife away from her ex.......the cops wouldn't only not stop him, they may give him an escort.....

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Moose

Well, this may be true in your area Spock. Around in these here parts, (Ozark Mountains), if a man calls the law to let them know he's going to collect his wife away from her ex.......the cops wouldn't only not stop him, they may give him an escort.....

 

Not in here Florida! Haven't you seen COPS?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Ms. Spock, I believe we're from the same city, and a girlfriend of mine called the cops to say she was going to her ex's to get his car that he was driving (it was registered in her name). They offered to help her out if she needed it. I don't think the cops would discourage it, and Jeff I think it's a good idea to confront her dad and the ex next time you catch her over there.

 

WWIU I think Johan has raised some very good points - and I have read every thread here. I know alot of us have different opinions on what we all think is "going on" between Brandy and her ex.

 

Jeff I also think you could back off a bit and just let time determine the outcome. You're trying to hard to force an outcome that you want and to force Brandy to see things your way. I know it is very difficult and the thoughts that race through your mind are driving you to hell and back. Which is why I think maybe it is a good idea for you to get away for a weekend, with or without Brandy.

 

Are you two planning any summer vacation? Why not make some plans to do something together, something you can both look forward to and whatever happens between her and her dad or the ex, try not to let it bother you for now, just focus on something else.

 

Or try and let her see that you've decided not to let it bother you (even if it does, but try it for a while). We've already determined that she's not going to stop for you or for the marriage. But this is who you chose to marry and she chose you.

 

It seems silly to end the marriage over this one particular thing. Is it really a breaking point or can you get through this and accept it.

 

How is your IC going? What is the counsellor saying these days?

[jmargel]

Moose if I call the cops to let them know, they'll be telling me to not go there. If I go on his property he can have me arrested for trespassing. Just like I would do him if he ever put foot on my ground. I would love to knock out her dad and I know I could. However in his condition it just may kill him. How many marriages would last when the husband beats up his wife's father?

 

As for her ex, one day we will meet up just me and him. He will face his consequences. The only reason why I did not go out that day while he was on the phone was because of my wife's brother's party. I want to do this one on one, where no one will be around to see what happens. It takes alot to push me over the edge but when you do, look out. My wife knows I am going to rip him apart when I see him. There is no more talking anything over with him. The last thing I want is to goto jail, because I know what I am capable of.

 

She came back from her pool match at 10:30 again in which I requested. However I told her off because she had a few drinks there. Her dad, who's the team leader didn't even let her play. Guess they had 6 people there and only needed 5. She said he didn't tell her until the last match. Alot of fun just sitting around watching people shoot pool. I know she was upset about that. That's the second time her dad did this to her. Nice father/daughter thing going there, huh?

 

Anyways like I said I will stand up to her dad again. I have in the past. I've told him off already in person and on the phone. I can careless what he thinks, he's not worth it. Brandy is messed up in the head as it is and he just pours it on more, however this isn't an excuse for what she's done. Truthfully part of me doesn't feel the same about her. It's still there but I've pushed that way back inside me. I'm way too on guard and defensive to put myself out there for her.

 

I talked to her mom last night and told her I wanted her gone this past weekend. Her mom didn't disagree to what I told her. She calls me to get all the info that her daughter fails to give her when she talks to her. It's just wierd now that when we talk about this issue she is getting sick. Her mom says it's because of the stress of it all. Her mom tells me that Brandy has told her that nothing is going on and she won't cheat. However I told her mom that I won't let this issue drop until it's resolved one way or another. Her sister-in-law (Kim) who is married & preg. to Brandy's brother has told me she is afraid his dad will do the same to them. She has expressed this to me & Brandy's mom. I've already seen Brandy's dad say awful things about Kim because his son doesn't come over much. It's not because of her, it's because his own son knows what his dad is doing. And it's all because of jealously by her dad. Her dad won't even let his wife ride in the same car with a male co-worker to a meeting they had to attend 15 miles away. He threw a fit. This is the same guy that wouldn't let his wife drop off her kids at her ex's place because of his jealously. He has constant control on her, to the point she gave up her own daughter.

 

To hear the amount of snide remarks and nasty comments come from one person about their own step-daughter is just beyond awful. Before Brandy & me became a couple, the night before she told me she loved me, we met her dad. She said that she wanted me to meet him first because she was afraid I wouldn't like him. I didn't care for him but I kept my mouth shut. This is a guy who's served time in jail, has been dishonerably discharged for attacking a fellow soldier (he was black) and guy who is mentally unstable. You have to remember I am not dealing with a rational person here. He also has a house load of guns, including semi-automatic weapons. This is a guy who stocked up piles of food, etc.. for when year 2000 hit. He thought the world was going to end.

 

All I know when we do confront there could easily well be alot of bloodshed, literally.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

Ms. Spock, I believe we're from the same city, and a girlfriend of mine called the cops to say she was going to her ex's to get his car that he was driving (it was registered in her name). They offered to help her out if she needed it. I don't think the cops would discourage it, and Jeff I think it's a good idea to confront her dad and the ex next time you catch her over there.

 

WWIU I think Johan has raised some very good points - and I have read every thread here. I know alot of us have different opinions on what we all think is "going on" between Brandy and her ex.

 

Jeff I also think you could back off a bit and just let time determine the outcome. You're trying to hard to force an outcome that you want and to force Brandy to see things your way. I know it is very difficult and the thoughts that race through your mind are driving you to hell and back. Which is why I think maybe it is a good idea for you to get away for a weekend, with or without Brandy.

 

Are you two planning any summer vacation? Why not make some plans to do something together, something you can both look forward to and whatever happens between her and her dad or the ex, try not to let it bother you for now, just focus on something else.

 

Or try and let her see that you've decided not to let it bother you (even if it does, but try it for a while). We've already determined that she's not going to stop for you or for the marriage. But this is who you chose to marry and she chose you.

 

It seems silly to end the marriage over this one particular thing. Is it really a breaking point or can you get through this and accept it.

 

How is your IC going? What is the counsellor saying these days?

 

We're not from the same city, and if Jmargel phones to tell the cops "Hey my wife is visiting her Dad and her ex is over there because he's a family friend and it enrages me and there may be an altercation" they're going to tell him "Don't go over there".

 

 

Anyways, it's a much lesser issue than the complete and total break down of communication and trust in this marriage. It's hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Jmargel's wife does not care one bit that he is extremely insecure about her ex and her father. I don't think it's because she wants to get back together with him so much, but more of she resents Jmargel's intrusion on her "independance" and without compromise on both sides your relationship is doomed. DOOMED, I tell you.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I think Jeff knows it's doomed and that's why he asked us for help in the first place.

[Moose]

Well, this may be true. There really isn't any grounds for divorce though......unless it's proven that she has been sleeping around on him.

 

So if you do decide to get divorced, in the eyes of the Lord, it isn't justified. Just letting you know........don't know if that matters to you or not......

[hotgurl]

just one question. Why can't Brandy drink. You seem to freak when she comes home with alcohol on her breath. does she has a problem? Are you guys a dry couple?

 

I understand where you are coming from with the poll etc. but I my b.f. elled at me when I decided to have a cocktail I'd be pissed. Unless she has a problem it sounds a tad controlling on your part.

[jmargel]

hotgurl, everytime we go out to a bar she gets either drunk or very tipsy. She's only 5'4, 110 lbs so she's a lightweight. 3 capt. & cokes does her in, and when she drinks she gets very friendly. Well depends on her mood, if she's in a bad mood and gets drunk it's 10x worse. Her drinking really impairs her judgement. She had 4 of them last night. She wreaked of it.

 

Spending time at a bar with the ex-bf while getting drunk is not a good combination. Of course she told me nothing went on, she watch pool mostly by herself the whole time. From 6:30-10:30? Call me a skeptic but that's hard for me to believe.

 

Remember this whole thing started with a lie. For two months she told me he was not going to be on the team, then afterwards all the stuff that went on beyond the pool match. To me it's one huge disrespect that she's doing to me.

 

She wanted to goto a club Sat. night with some co-workers, however this club we goto, I have had run-ins with her ex about 80% of the time. I told her she was NOT going. I was not dealing with more crap that night. She tried to pin it on me that I wouldn't let her spend time w/ the girls. I told her, wrong! It's the location. At this point I don't care if she thinks of it as controlling. It's her that has alot to prove to me. Trust, respect and her just treating me better all around.

[hotgurl]

I understand J,

I knew alcohol+ex=bad news. i was just trying to see if there were other issues. Plus she shouldn't be driving if she is a light weight & drinking.

 

this whole story is just messed. Because of what she is doing you are suspecting everything, which is natural so even little f-ups are magnified. Like I would be mad if my b.f. didn't let me go out with the girls but at the same time I would never let my parents treat him how her parents treat you, I would never join a pool team w/ my ex. I would never in a fight threaten to leave or move in with my ex.

 

Your are in a tough situation and I feel for you. When does this league end for the summer? And lets say she stay for the summer and doesn't go back for fall could you ever repair the trust? Especially with they way she acts like it's no big deal. I would never even think of putting my b.f. in that situation.

[Moose]

It's her that has alot to prove to me. Trust, respect and her just treating me better all around.

Careful Jeff, you are not innocent in this by any stretch of the imagination......

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

She wanted to goto a club Sat. night with some co-workers, however this club we goto, I have had run-ins with her ex about 80% of the time. I told her she was NOT going. I was not dealing with more crap that night. She tried to pin it on me that I wouldn't let her spend time w/ the girls. I told her, wrong! It's the location. At this point I don't care if she thinks of it as controlling. It's her that has alot to prove to me. Trust, respect and her just treating me better all around.

 

Don't control her because she can't be controlled. Nobody can be controlled. Yes she has to prove that she can be trusted, but by not following your demands she isn't showing she can't be trusted, she's showing that she can't be controlled.

 

She knows what is expected of her without you having to tell her what she should and shouldn't do or whether or not to have a few drinks.

 

Instead of telling her she was NOT going to the bar, why didn't you just express your opinion as in "I would prefer if you went somewhere else because I know your ex hangs there and you already know how I feel about that" and then leave the decision up to her.

 

Okay I'm going to get backlashed for this because most people here want you to give her tough love and might think the above suggestion is wimping out, but I don't think she will respond to tough demands either. She'll continue to make her own decisions, and the question is whether or not you can continue to take it.

 

Why don't the two of you sit down again and go over what each of you believes expected and acceptable behavior in a marriage and the lines that shouldn't be crossed that would otherwise show disrespect for the marriage and the other partner.

 

I believe she loves you emotionally, but the emotion called Love has nothing to do with this. Choosing to love someone and showing it by following the rules has everything to do with this.

[jmargel]

MWC I even offered that. I told her why don't you girls go out somewhere else? Her response was that her co-worker likes that place. It is the only place in town that has decent music. I even then suggested for all of us to go down to Harrisburg (I live in PA) to goto a great club down there. Her response was 'Just forget it'. So I did.

 

I need to start thinking for myself. I am on constant edge and for another scenerio to happen on a Saturday night would just put me over the edge. Plus the guys in that club are like vultures. The ratio is like 10:1. The place is known for the bad type of people to hang out at. You can tell that most guys that come in with their girls they seem to have one eye always on them.

 

I've been to a much larger club in Harrisburg and have had alot less problems with that. The place up here is just bad news. Plus the co-workers she wanted to go with, one just left her bf & has hooked up with another guy, which was at this club we attended about a month ago and the second is engaged to some guy 300 miles away yet she acts like a total, well you know.. She's engaged to this guy but doesn't really love him from what my wife says. The one who's engaged is always drunk when she goes out. So the group she goes out with, I don't care for. Even at her work the men are always trying to pick up the women there. A group of co-workers spent 2 nights in Harrisburg due to a meeting. 3 girls shared a room. Their boss (brandy's boss too) knocked on their door at 2am wanting to come in. Brandy didn't stay down there, she drove back both nights.

 

She has to make her own decisions. However I can make my own based on that. I have already stated my case to her VERY clearly. I have no problem with moving on with my life if she decides to continue these charades.

 

I know I am no way innocent in all of this, but I have done nothing to deserve this. With Brandy if you give her an inch she'll push it and want to take a foot. She's always been involved in some sort of drama. This is NOT the way I want to live, she needs to grow up and realize what she is about to lose. As for the trust it's going to take alot to repair it. Once this pool league is over, I will still be on edge for quite awhile. I need action from her, not just words. I have told her this, otherwise I want to move on.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by jmargel

know I am no way innocent in all of this, but I have done nothing to deserve this. With Brandy if you give her an inch she'll push it and want to take a foot. She's always been involved in some sort of drama. This is NOT the way I want to live, she needs to grow up and realize what she is about to lose. As for the trust it's going to take alot to repair it. Once this pool league is over, I will still be on edge for quite awhile. I need action from her, not just words. I have told her this, otherwise I want to move on.

 

What will it take?

[moimeme]

So if you do decide to get divorced, in the eyes of the Lord, it isn't justified. Just letting you know......

 

Well aren't you just ever-so-helpful? You should really become a born again preacher, I think. They get a real charge out of taking God's place and judging people and telling them how to live their lives.

 

and for another scenerio to happen on a Saturday night would just put me over the edge.

 

JM, you must stop all this talk of violence. It's highly dysfunctional. I think you better speak to the counsellor about this because it is extremely unwise of you to keep on talking about hitting or doing worse to people. That is NOT an option nor should you allow any thoughts along that line to enter your mind.

 

That plus this whole business of telling her what to do make you less than a saint. Yes, I know you have admitted to it but that's not good enough. You cannot MAKE anybody do what you want her to do. You can want it badly, and if you don't get what you want, you need to be man enough to walk away and understand it was a lost cause rather than continuing to feed this 'go beat him/her/them' up mentality you're developing.

[Moose]

Well aren't you just ever-so-helpful? You should really become a born again preacher, I think. They get a real charge out of taking God's place and judging people and telling them how to live their lives.

Excuse me Moi, I was pointing out what Jesus has told us........it's not judging, it's relaying information......big difference!

[New_Wife]

HOLY FARKIN CRAP ALREADY!!!! 1 month, 3 days, and 37 pages of this garbage! You are exasperating to no end! I keep trying to ignore this thread, but everytime it starts to die out (as it should) you post again some new update. Why bother? They all read the same "I'm a control freak, my wife is rebelling, I don't deserve this, I mean it this time, blah blah blah"

 

Originally posted by jmargel

I have no problem with moving on with my life if she decides to continue these charades.

 

I'm gonna have to call BS on this one. Hardcore. You're not moving on anywhere. You are clearly every bit as addicted to th drama as she is or you wouldn't keep giving us the relationship rectal temp every single day. You aren't doing a dang thing but harping on her, about her, to her, and to everyone you both know - and everyone here knows that.

 

Originally posted by jmargel

...she needs to grow up and realize what she is about to lose. As for the trust it's going to take alot to repair it

 

Newsflash: All she needs to do is stay white and die. Everything else is optional. She may opt to try to please you, but I've got to tell you - if you are this bullheaded to people online who are trying to help you and SEE YOUR SIDE of things - I cannot imagine how much of a pain you've got to be to a wife who disagrees with you.

 

At first I really felt for you in this situation, but Crimeny Pete, Man! Do you ever DO anything? Or do you just whine about it all ad nauseum?

 

I know I wasn't going to post in here anymore, but I just keep looking in - like a twisted wreck on the road - and it makes me feel about the same each time. Grrr.

 

I still wish you the best, Jeff - but I think you need serious help and a hard core reality check.

[whichwayisup]

New wife, he is here for support, to vent and to feel better. I think it's great that he's got 37 pages on his thread. If you don't like how he's handling things about HIS LIFE, then don't read his thread. He's not some guy behind the screen, killing time. He's here for a reason, whether you agree or disagree on how he's dealing with it, name calling is really not a nice thing to do. And surprise! People behind screens actually DO have feelings.

[New_Wife]

Do you really think it is at all supportive to enable him?

 

Not a single person in here called him on the fact that he read his wife's dream journal. He read her journal!

 

I am not calling him names at all. A name would be: "Wow, you are sure a #(U%@(*%# or a (#*$#*" That I am not doing.

 

And if this were my brother, I'd pull him aside and once tell him gently what I thought, and then tell him very honestly because I'd rather he understood then felt my soft wuvvy blankie.

 

The man is controlling, he is obsessive, and he is lingering in his own crap and wondering why it doesn't smell nice.

 

Helpful would be encouraging him to seek help in a big hurry to get out. (of the crap, not the marraige - that's not really anyone's call but his)

[Mr Spock]

HOLY FARKIN CRAP ALREADY!!!! 1 month, 3 days, and 37 pages of this garbage! You are exasperating to no end! I keep trying to ignore this thread, but everytime it starts to die out (as it should) you post again some new update. Why bother? They all read the same "I'm a control freak, my wife is rebelling, I don't deserve this, I mean it this time, blah blah blah"

 

She's partially right, and it's not helpful to surround yourself with people that tell you only what you want to hear. Look what happened to MJ.

 

 

Poor Jmargel. Just all a bunch of hooey to have to deal with in the first place. Sometimes, being single is underrated.

[moimeme]

Do you really think it is at all supportive to enable him

 

There are LSers who are always about 'supporting' people who post their problems by patting them on the head, making nice, and not calling a spade a spade so to 'support' the poster.

 

However some of us see how the posters have a hand in their own problems and call them on it. And then get slanged to bits by the OP and the legion of head-patters.

[jmargel]

New_Wife I have quite a few friends on here and appreciate all the advice they have given me. I'm not looking for pity I am looking for a way to resolve this. I have taken everybody's advice even by telling her I want her to leave. Yes this thread is long and over a month since I started it, but you also have to understand that this is my life as well. This is only one thread in a sea of thousands on this site. For over two years I have contributed to help others on here and all I ask is for some in return. I never expected the amount of replies and I do truly appreciate it.

 

When I married her it was with the belief that it would be until I die. Alot of people in today's society don't take marriage as seriously as they should and if I was one of them I would be already divorced. I come on here because mainly my wife has huge communication problems. It might sound like an endless circle here but I know at some point that will break.

 

I don't want people to just tell me I am right, I'd prefer to hear the opposite sometimes. As for me being obessed? Nope, just worried about my marriage. If we do divorce then I won't contact her, I have no reason to nor would I want to. My parents have been married for over 35 years and my grandparents over 50. It's just in my instinct to try to resolve this without divorcing. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, that's something I can't help. The only suggestion I can give is to just not look at the 'wreckage' as you put it.

[blind_otter]

Anyways, what's it gonna take? When will you have reached your boiling point? What is your established boundary in this situation? When will you have reached your limit?