I need some help here

June 22, 2005

BO, I have reached my limit in terms of what she has done. If it continues I don't want to be in the marriage. If she ever was initimate with him in anyway then it is completely over. I know as well as you do that things will probably continue as they are. If so, then she leaves. I've already told her to leave. She keeps swearing nothing is happening. If she continues to be on her ex's team after the summer, she's gone. I've put up with alot these past few months and it's something that I don't want continued.

She's still sick, she was throwing up again last night. She tells me it's the stress at work but she's been there for over a year and never was sick over it. I believe it's the stress of something else.

June 22, 2005

hey jmargel ,

you think maybe she is pregnant.. i didn't think you could throw up from stress.. maybe you are going to be a daddy..

June 22, 2005

Originally posted by lilmoma1973
hey jmargel ,
you think maybe she is pregnant.. i didn't think you could throw up from stress.. maybe you are going to be a daddy..

Yeah, um, you can throw up from stress. I had a digestive disease called idiopathic gastropareisis from my untreated PTSD after I was raped and I couldn't eat solid food for 3 years.

June 22, 2005

hey blind otter,

oh really didn't know that.. very interesting to know..

June 22, 2005

Hey Jmargel,

For what it's worth. I hope things workout for you.

We all deserve to be happy. Most of the time everyone gets the short end of the stick.

It's OK to be down just don't stay down.

All the Best.

June 22, 2005

Hey Jmargel ,

i totally agree with bronzedpen .. hope it all works out for you.. you deserve the best ..

June 22, 2005

hey J,

I had an idea for you. I think that the constant harping is. at this point having the opposite effect on her. She knows what you want, she knows what she is doing is wrong. she knows she needs to change her behavior. Whether she does or not only time will tell.

But I think you need to pick a date, in your head of how much longer you are willing to put up with this. Don't tell her. for example, Just say to yourself if she is still acting this way in two weeks I will leave, or I will change the lock. then just stop. Stop talking about it. Stop telling her to leave. Quietly go about your business and do what you need to do. Quietly start doing the things you need to do if you are separating. And then after two weeks if she hasn't changed leave.

I don't see any more reason to kept talking to her about this. It is up to her to change. All you can do is control your behavior. But for your sake make a definitive descidion and stick to it.

Good luck

June 22, 2005

J-

You keep saying you've had enough and you won't continue to allow this to go on but it does continue to go on. When you've had enough, you have. That's it, no extention.

To sit there and say that this club is so and so and the guys there are this well, to me that's controlling. I say it's different to ask her not to go to the club where the ex goes, that is the least she can do, but I think she was fully intending to go there to see him, and used her girls as an excuse. That is what cheaters do!

It doesn't matter though where she goes and if she drinks or not if you really trust her. It doesn't matter how many guys hit on her if she's taken and not interested. At the bottom of this you truly don't trust her- with good reason- but you just won't admit it.

She acts like she's single. I wouldn't put up with it- but that's just me. You have to do what you have to do. I just hate to see you continue to be hurt and the wool pulled over your eyes.

June 22, 2005

JMargel,

I think you have a problem. I think YOU have a communication problem. Yes, your wife has one too. Which seems to be the only one you accept as a reality.

You do give advice. Lots of it. Most of it probably very good and helpful.

From the outside looking in, the impression I've gotten is that you genuinely mean well when you offer it - but - and it's a sizable but - you are only comfortable from the moral high ground of the "right" advice giver. If you go through this thread and count the times you've said "what she needs to do" or "what you need to do" I bet you'd be impressed at how much you think you know about what everyone else needs.

But not once have you directed that microscope at yourself, for your own actions.

This is not about Brandy. It's really not.

This is about YOU. And until you see your part in YOUR actions, you're not going to move forward in this or any other relationship. You know the saying right? "If you keep doing what you've always done, you're going to keep getting what you've always gotten."

I keep peeking at the wreckage because I keep hoping to read "well, today I decided to change _______ about myself and it felt good." or, "Well, today I joined a men's league ________ and had a nice time out away from this mess." or ANYTHING to indicate that you take some responsibility for your own happiness outside of being Brandy's 24/7 keeper. But no. I suspect you could not actually function in a relationship with a well-adjusted woman because then you would be forced to focus on your own shortcomings and life. This is not a judgement - even as it sounds like it - it is simply what it looks like to me.

Again, I suggest you STOP reading her journals, STOP calling her mother to tattle on her, STOP calling your mother to tattle on her, STOP writing her anything to try to persuade her, STOP saying "you need to....", and START looking at what JEFF needs to do to change.

Or you could keep up with the same old same old, but tell me this - how's that been working for you so far?

June 22, 2005

I have to agree somewhat with the last few posters. You keep saying "if she keeps doing what she's doing I'm outta here."

Jeff, she keeps doing what she's been doing so why aren't you outta there yet?

Set a time frame, and don't tell her. Prepare for separation. When that date comes, pack her things. I'm suggesting the end of the month.

I also suspect she is pregnant, and that could be a reason why she is hesitant to leave. Is it yours? Probably, otherwise she probably would leave. If there is a child on the way, you need to find out from her and figure out how this is going to work.

June 22, 2005

New_Wife,

I have joined a group with my German Shepherd on Monday nights for training. I started this a month ago, we are at the head of the class & the trainer has asked me to do advanced training with him later this summer, which I will. I don't mope around the house, I keep myself busy afterwards with either friends or running errands. Who do you think does alot of the cleaning in the house? It's been I for the past few months while she is either at her dad's practicing or at those matches. She is actually home a little more often than before. As for what she needs from me, I have been giving her that. I won't call her, I hardly show her affection and I am trying to let her come to me. Kissing? I don't initiate it, days could go by before that happens. I love yous? I hardly give them first, I let her say it.

It is her mom that is calling me because she is worried about Brandy, worried in how she is acting. She tries to talk to her but doesn't get anywhere. Her friends who she used to be close with have called her and wanted to spend time with her, she won't call them back. It seems she is 'sucked' into this thing with her dad.

As for me being able to function in a well-adjusted relationship that would be something great. My only two long term relationships are with women who have mental problems. I don't know what it's like to actually be treated "good" for the long term. If you think I go out and "find" women with problems then you are sadly mistaken. What guy goes looking for something like that?

I am very aware of my own shortcomings, I took a whole year not even seeing anybody after my ex just for that reason. I didn't want anyone to get involved with me while I had alot of soul searching to do. I admit I am stubborn, over-sensitive (at times), and will speak my mind and can be self-righteous when I feel like it. That's just me. It's something I try to work on everyday however at times it doesn't show it.

As for her 'journal' it was right out in the open. I didn't read the whole thing, only a few pages since I was curious about what her dreams were about. It wasn't a diary, she would right down what kinda dreams she had at the time. When it's in a bookcase sitting in the hallway, to me that means she wouldn't care if someone read it.

No matter what *I* do it's not going to change her one way or another. This is upto her.

Pixie, like I said before if she wanted to cheat she would. All she has to do is say she's going to the store to shop & just meet up with him. She doesn't need a group of girls with her as a cover. Right now though I don't trust her 100%. It's because of the emotional roller coaster she puts me on.

I've pretty much tried everything I could from talking to her to wanting her out. There is nothing more I can do. If she wants this marriage to work she knows what she has to do. Otherwise she is gone, for good. If she stops hanging out at her dad's while she is there I will give it to the end of the summer to see if starts treating me better. She if hangs out there with her ex, then she won't even get that. If at the end of the summer she is on the team with him again, then it's over between us.

Yes, I haven't been myself lately and I don't like it. But I know why am I this way right now, it's the situation I am in. Just put yourself in my shoes just for an hour and really think about your SO doing this. How would you react? I mean not making decisions based on your emotions?

I have some people on here telling me I should confront her dad with the possibility of getting into a fight, to others who basically say she is wanting to see him & physically cheat on me to others who telling I am the one over-reacting and I should not be worried as much as I am.

I wish there was a textbook answer to this, but there's not.

June 22, 2005

Originally posted by jmargel
New_Wife,

I have joined a group with my German Shepherd on Monday nights for training. I started this a month ago, we are at the head of the class & the trainer has asked me to do advanced training with him later this summer, which I will. I don't mope around the house, I keep myself busy afterwards with either friends or running errands.

I am very glad to hear that. I hope that you can spend a lot of time with your dog - dogs are the best animal ever for talking to when you have a problem, huh? And they walk with you and sometimes sit & stew with you - other times tug your shoes off because they want you to play instead.

Originally posted by jmargel
It is her mom that is calling me because she is worried about Brandy, worried in how she is acting. She tries to talk to her but doesn't get anywhere. Her friends who she used to be close with have called her and wanted to spend time with her, she won't call them back.

I think that you would be best served here to let Brandy solve her own relationship problems and avoid comment to these people. Not to be rude, but to suggest that they talk directly to Brandy if they have questions for her. It takes you out of the keeper role, and also takes the additional ammo out of your emotional gun.

Originally posted by jmargel
As for me being able to function in a well-adjusted relationship that would be something great. My only two long term relationships are with women who have mental problems. I don't know what it's like to actually be treated "good" for the long term. If you think I go out and "find" women with problems then you are sadly mistaken. What guy goes looking for something like that?

I do not think any human on the planet intentionally looks for a dysfunctional relationship. Good Grief, can you imagine the personal ads? I suspect you've fallen into a comfort zone where you read certain unconscious cues off of someone and end up with a "devil you know" type of relationship. I think YOU should go to counseling more and really look for your part in this. I am not saying "this is all your fault" I am suggesting that you figure out what IS - because that's the only part you have the power to change.

Originally posted by jmargel
As for her 'journal' it was right out in the open. I didn't read the whole thing, only a few pages since I was curious about what her dreams were about. It wasn't a diary, she would right down what kinda dreams she had at the time. When it's in a bookcase sitting in the hallway, to me that means she wouldn't care if someone read it.

Here I vehementy disagree. When you saw what it was, you should have stopped. If there was a doubt, you should have asked. That's my opinion. That and $4 get's you a decent latte. But as to her dreams - they are what they are. Shoot, I dream that I win the lottery all the time, but wake up just as broke as when I went to sleep. sucks, really.

Originally posted by jmargel
No matter what *I* do it's not going to change her one way or another. This is upto her.

Bravo! You are correct. Print that, tattoo it backwards on your forehead, do whatever you have to do to keep that at the top of your mind.

Originally posted by jmargel
I haven't been myself lately and I don't like it. But I know why am I this way right now, it's the situation I am in. Just put yourself in my shoes just for an hour and really think about your SO doing this. How would you react? I mean not making decisions based on your emotions?

I have. That's why I keep peeking in. I can't honestly tell you what I would do, because I'm not in that situation. But I have ended a marraige before and it was terribly painful to do. Before ending it, I did some really dumb stuff to try to work an un-workable situation, and I did some very loving things that didn't work, but I don't regret trying. I completely respect that it's hard to be your self when it feels like your heart is breaking. If what I've said previously led you to believe I don't, I apologize. But I see you missing some things right in front of your face about your own character and actions, and you seem too nice a guy to sabatoge yourself in this way over and over and over. Now that I've gotten your attention, please thoughtfully and quietly consider what I've suggested.

June 22, 2005

"Pixie, like I said before if she wanted to cheat she would. All she has to do is say she's going to the store to shop & just meet up with him. She doesn't need a group of girls with her as a cover. Right now though I don't trust her 100%. It's because of the emotional roller coaster she puts me on"

She doesn't have to say she's going to the store to meet him, she sees him several times a week at her dad's. And, as I recall, she has lied about meeting up with him.

She's not leaving because it's accomplishing something for her. You pay most of the bills, you do most of the housecleaning and such, you love her, she doesn't have a place she really wants to go. She doesn't spend much time with you- she's got the pool thing, another job and still wants to go out with the girls? She's basically got it made. She's got a husband waiting at home for her that's taking all the responsibility of life off her shoulders and she doesn't have to try and meet his needs to keep it. What is not to love about that situation??

She doesn't believe that you mean what you say. You have also not addressed the thought she could be pregnant. I'd ask her to take a pregnancy test in front of me. I certainly hope she's not, as much as she's drinking- because of FAS. Why is she drinking so much???? Could it be to beat down the guilt??

June 30, 2005

Jmargel,

Do you think she is preggo? Make her take a pregnancy test just like Pixie said.. if she is would it be yours .. I would make her do it front of yours..She could be playing you making you think she is preggo so you want kick her out.. if she is i want to the dr and find out how far she is .. good luck

July 18, 2005

hey jmargel,