lilmoma1973 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Hey JMargel, I think that when others aren't happy in their current relationship they feel the need to cause friction for others to compensate for them not being happy so in the process they need to make everyone miserable and unhappy because they are .. Just take them with a grain of salt and kill them with kindness.. i know easier said then done.. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 She's getting something from it or she wouldn't continue to do it. I think it's ATTENTION. She has no business hanging with this guy- especially while there are issues going on at home. That's putting yourself in temptations way. You can't tell me when she's mad at J she's not venting to this guy! This is not some guy she dated for a while a long time ago and they have remained friends over the years. I have a guy friend I dated in high school, but I've known him since 7th grade. There is nothing between us- and I'm not hanging out with him every week! My bf has two female friends from college that have stood by him through thick and thin. This is not the case with this guy. This is a guy who was abusive to her- who obviously hasn't moved on with his life. He couldn't have possibly because I don't believe a gf would put up with all this attention focused on his ex! Also, this is a guy who she's lied to her husband about! If there is nothing going on- why is she willing to risk her marriage to keep in contact with him- daddy or no daddy?? Why is she lying?? Finally, this is someone with whom her husband- her life partner- is not comfortable with her spending time with- for indicated reasons. That alone should be a deciding factor in how she handles things. She is not treating J like he's the most valuable player in her world- which is how you should treat your spouse. I tell ya what- at this point- you've talked as much as you possibly can. I would probably scope out what's going on in the parking lot after they leave the matches. You can tell who goes where and if he walks her to her car, yada yada. I hate to advocate anything sneaky but at this point, she's almost spending as much time with this guy as she is with you. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 I just find it hard to believe that all these people are conspiring against you like you perceive them to be. You've painted yourself to be the only one in a white hat and all the others involved are wearing the black hats, B included. All that aside... Bottom line: Playing pool with her long-time ex is more important to her than your marriage. Is a pool league THAT important? Not by a long shot. If the means (pool league with the ex on the team) was the only way to accomplish the ends (her spending time with her dad), then she'd have an argument. The ends, however, can be accomplished in innumerable ways less detrimental to your marriage, i.e., she can visit Dad when the ex isn't lurking around his house for starters. What does riding around in the ex's car have to do with spending time with her dad? Nothing. What does changing the caller ID name to her mother to hide the fact that she's talking to her ex have to do with spending time with her dad? Nothing. She also seems to be having an inordinate amount of problems with these pool cues that necessitate a lot of contact with her ex. Either the ex and/or her dad are sabotaging her pool cues, or that also, is a load of bull. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel . has I never had this kind of interfering like I do now with her dad. Her contact with the ex was kept minimal and although she has her own personal problems we were going to counseling before and after the wedding. I did not think she was just going to quit counseling nor did I suspect her dad would be trying to get her ex back into the picture while trying to ruin our marriage. I also thought my own wife would stand up for her own marriage. While we had issues before, like every couple you're in denial, no couple has a tenth of your problems I never had this kind of interfering like I do now with her dad Really? Is your dad sneaking out to meen Brandi's ex? Is your dad calling Brandi's ex on Brandi's cellphone and not telling you a thing? Oh please, her dad is a moron, but nothing more. Your wife does the rest and she's pretty good at it. No one's trying to ruin your marriage, Jeff. If your FIL stashing Brandi's tires when she's on her way to the councelling session? thought so. Stop blaming the others, you're worse than a doormate for your wife. I'm really sorry to be this blunt to you, but... it's so obvious. JEFF, SHE's f*cking CHEATING on you. What else do you need? A bloody sheet? She's seeing him, she's calling him, she's attending social events with him. Even if her ex isn't laying a finger on her, she is still cheating! Emotionally!!! But I bet that by now, things are getting physical. How long is it, Jeff? How long since she's sneaking around to her affair? One month? Two? You actually think they do NOTHING when they meet? Please, you are not that naive! And for the record, she doesn't give a damn about you, about your love or about how special you are. Personally, I'd lose all respect for a man who'd let me treat him the way you let her treat you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Just seems like I am just as confused as I was when I first started this post. Some are saying her intentions are right, the other say they aren't. I don't even know myself, all I go by is what she says. I know where she is playing tonight, it's only a couple blocks from our house. However I can't lurk in the bushes like some stalker waiting to see if she walks out alone in the parking lot. Hell, her dad doesn't care so if those two were acting close in the pool hall I wouldn't know. All I know is she lied to me, numerous times. So I tend to think the worst. If she didn't want to be with me why doesn't she just go? Why not move in with him? Just the way she talked last night when we were practicing (I beat her in every game) that she was getting tired of it. I mean she practices every day even at lunch with her co-workers. My other point in thinking if she was just doing this to be social with him, would she go through such great lengths to try to be a good pool player? This whole thing has me distanced further from her than I ever have been. I look at her with suspecion. Like I said earlier in these posts I don't think I am going to make it through the summer like this. What she is doing feels like betrayal. Instead of looking forward to the things we can experience together, I look at what other problems lie ahead for us. That isn't good. Yet, there's not much I can do about it but leave I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Be short, sweet and to the point with her Jeff. Directly ask if she is having some sort of an affair with her EX. Tell her to take a day, really think about it - And that she better be 100% honest with her answer because if it is a NO answer and 2 months down the road you find out she was infact having an affair with him, then it's over. She has to know and understand the consquences of her possible actions (if it has gone that far. Though something tells me she isn't having an affair, atleast a physical one.) She is believing what she has convinced herself of and justifying that all is okay because of A,B,C or D. Bullcrap. I don't know what else to suggest except continue to see what happens in the next few weeks. I'm not sure how much more of this you can take before you lose it emotionally and physically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Curly, Her dad didn't slash her tires, she ran over a nail. I should know, I changed the tire. As for her cheating, she's not cheating on me but she's cheating me out of things. As far as a physical affair, I don't know if that's going on or not. For her sake & mine I hope it's not. What she is doing is betraying me and doing alot of harm to us and to me. I don't consider myself a doormat, what I am trying to do is save my marriage. If she doesn't want to save it then it's over. Once she leaves, IT'S FOR GOOD. My ex can attest to that. However she needs to come to her OWN senses. By me telling her what she can & can't do is not going to last. She NEEDS to want to be with me and not mess around. There's a line where once crossed the relationship cannot be saved. It is getting very close to that line. I need to make 100% sure on what I want before I make a decision. I would love to just act on my emotions but that's not going to get me anywhere. Putting me down is not going to make me see things your way. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 You wanna save you marriage, Jeff? Really do? Kick her arse out! And mean it! By staying home and taking her s*** you're only making her lose more respect for you. Ok, she got a flat tire. What happened to cabs? Friends? Your car? Her dad's car? Her mom's car? I think you should pray the gods that she doesn't leave you, Jeff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Whichway.. I have asked her. She said no. I asked her last night if she has feelings for him and she said she only thinks of him as a friend. I told her that I feel like I'm sharing you and she said that she isn't sharing herself, that she is with me. I also told her if she wants to spend time with him, talk to him or be with him to TELL ME NOW. Not a few months down the road. It's so I can move on with my life. She told me she doesn't want to be with him. Like I told her last night she is playing with fire and it's HER that is going to get burned. I feel like I am going to lose it emotionally. It's like I'm in a competition with my own marriage. Her telling me that I think way too much about this and that I am making more out of it then it is, doesn't help me. She has asked me before what she could do to help this situation and I told her, yet nothing is done. It's just I am really getting tired of pleasing her when I get only a small fraction of it back. As you can probably tell from my latest posts my resentment is very high. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Curly, right now I think it should be the other way around. She should be praying that I don't leave her. I'm at the point that if she leave, then I will not chase after her. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be here. I have made my mistakes but would never do this to her. I have given her many opportunities to leave. It's not like I am pleading and begging for her to stay. I won't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 I don't consider myself a doormat, what I am trying to do is save my marriage. If she doesn't want to save it then it's over. Once she leaves, IT'S FOR GOOD. My ex can attest to that. However she needs to come to her OWN senses. By me telling her what she can & can't do is not going to last. She NEEDS to want to be with me and not mess around. There's a line where once crossed the relationship cannot be saved. It is getting very close to that line. A marriage can't be saved if only one person wants to save it. Actions speak louder than words. Your wife's actions show that the marriage is not her priority. You are not her priority. Her priority is her father and pool. She has shown it time and time again. Yes, she may say she loves you and she may try to get you in the sack - but IMO really all that is doing is showing you that there might be a chance. Gives you enough energy to keep going in this charade. And I'm not trying to be mean here, but this is NOT a marriage. Take a good, hard look at your wife. This is who she is and she shows no interest in changing. You like affection - she is (not to be mean here) a cold fish. Even if you love her, love is not enough to keep a marriage alive and well. You need to have mutual values and goals and RESPECT. I don't see evidence of that - and quite frankly I never have - in your relationship. You deserve a real marriage with someone who loves and respects you and defends her marriage. Trust me, it is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Fine.. Then maybe I should tell her it's over tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 IF you do this, you must stick to it. Don't expect her to cry, don't expect her to beg. Be firm. and don't do it because we talked you into it. You're the one who's gonna end up without an wife so you have to be 110% of it and want it. I am convinced you should do it. I know in my heart that this is not a marriage. But this is your life, Jeff. Do it and never look back. It's not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 If you do, do it because it is the right decision for YOU - not because of anything anyone writes on this forum. You, and you alone, know what is best for you. I feel for you, I do. Your posts and constantly trying to find excuses for your wife is really upsetting and maddeninng. I think your wife is an idiot and will never find true happiness. However, I hope that you can, and do, find true happiness. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Don't make any emotional final decisions now as today you're very emotional and rightfully so. Maybe take a complete break from all of this Jeff. Take some time off of work, a week and GO Somewhere alone. You need some "me" time. To relax and figure out what you want to do and what the next stage is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 J- Do what's right for you, not what's right for everyone else. Perhaps you could take Solemate's suggestions and compile a list of what you expect from B and see if she will commit to it? What do you have to lose by doing this rather than just telling her it's over?? Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel Whichway.. I have asked her. She said no. I asked her last night if she has feelings for him and she said she only thinks of him as a friend. I told her that I feel like I'm sharing you and she said that she isn't sharing herself, that she is with me. I also told her if she wants to spend time with him, talk to him or be with him to TELL ME NOW. Not a few months down the road. It's so I can move on with my life. She told me she doesn't want to be with him. If this is what she told you and you don't believe her, then how is that her problem? Like I told her last night she is playing with fire and it's HER that is going to get burned. So in other words you told her to tell you something different so you can catch her in a lie? Her story won't change no matter how many times you ask her. Why? Because it's probably the truth. Can you not give her the benefit of the doubt for once? Why not tell her you want to go watch her play tonight since it's so close to home? She supposedly has nothing to hide. Tell her that you can handle anything her dad can dish out, or just avoid him altogether, and tell her you want to watch her cute little behind as she lines up a shot, or something playful to ease the tension. Tell her it's one way you can spend more time with each other doing something you both enjoy. Why not ask to join the team? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Truthfully no I don't want to do it. It just seems like your posts make it seem like it's hopeless and all I married was a bitch. I at least want to see what happens at the end of the summer when this league is over. I want to at least give her the chance to realize that she has not put our marriage as a #1 priority but that she wants to. Like I said before if I do this I know it's for good. I wouldn't look back, just walk away with a broken heart. Me leaving isn't about "teaching her a lesson" or a tactic trying to get her to wake up. It's because I don't want to continue the marriage anymore. Thing is, I still do. It's not because I don't want to be lonely or because I don't think I could find someone else. I know I could. It's because I know and seen the good she has. I know she loves me and we do have alot of common interests and yes goals. But NO, she is not showing that now. I don't know what goes through her head. And I am not making excuses for what she did, she is guilty for betraying me like she has and the way her attitude is right now. That's something I live with, with that resentment. All I ask from you is support here. It's hard enough putting up with this and it's even harder when I feel like I have to defend myself on why I am staying with this. I'm not asking for pity, just some understanding and some guidance on how to get through to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 If this is what she told you and you don't believe her, then how is that her problem? So in other words you told her to tell you something different so you can catch her in a lie? Her story won't change no matter how many times you ask her. Why? Because it's probably the truth. Can you not give her the benefit of the doubt for once? Why not tell her you want to go watch her play tonight since it's so close to home? She supposedly has nothing to hide. Tell her that you can handle anything her dad can dish out, or just avoid him altogether, and tell her you want to watch her cute little behind as she lines up a shot, or something playful to ease the tension. Tell her it's one way you can spend more time with each other doing something you both enjoy. Why not ask to join the team? I won't join the team because her dad has physically assaulted me. I did not fight back because I did not want Brandy seeing me fight him. Although I told her if he ever tried that again I will. I have asked her to watch her play and she said as well as her step-mom that he is threatening to do something if I show up. I want to trust her in what she says, but her actions show me different with the recent things that went on. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Jeff, you either deal with it od you don't. Your choice. Just don't come later on with an even more broken heart and self respect shattered to pieces. What type of guidance can we give you, Jeff? You're bending in all senses only to make it work and she's a rock. What can we possibily tell you? Stay if you chose, but for us, on the side it's so obvious. Wait for what, Jeff? You've been waiting apparently ever since you got engaged. Tell me, what can you possibly wait for? Jeff, mark my words, she is cheating on you as it is. She is coming and going out of that house as she pleases, as if she were singel. How long before she wants the goodie bag? She will leave you, Jeff. You are driving her to leave you. At least, if you're staying, do it like a man. Let her be. No more sex till the tournament's over. No more holding hands and cuddling. No more breathing her air. Outings with the guys. Exercise. Clubbin' alone, with your friends and co workers. She wants to be single? Give it to her. But not only when she wants it. All the time. IT will be refreshing for you both. More like a cold shower. This relationship certainly needs a cold shower. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 I don't know what would be worse..... coming home to a husband who demands I change the way I act, the activities I enjoy, and the people I see or coming home to a husband who doesn't say a word, shows no emotion, no affection and just withholds sex for nine months (like mine did) I think I would like to come home to a husband who can look into my eyes with love, and not suspicion, who can hold me and make love to me with no anxiety or resentment, who can let me leave the house and patiently wait for my return and greet me with a hello, a hug, and a kiss and not feel the need to ask questions. There are good marriages that aren't based on "how-to" articles. It depends on the couple and what compromises and sacrifices they are willing to make for each other. Some of those may not sit well with the general public as appropriate or repsectful in a marriage but are accepted by the couple because that's what works for them. What are you willing to change about yourself Jeff? Is there something she doesn't like about you? Would she even tell you what it is the way you have communicated to her what upsets you? Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel I won't join the team because her dad has physically assaulted me. I did not fight back because I did not want Brandy seeing me fight him. Although I told her if he ever tried that again I will. I have asked her to watch her play and she said as well as her step-mom that he is threatening to do something if I show up. I want to trust her in what she says, but her actions show me different with the recent things that went on. If he assaults you, then defend yourself (or just beat the crap out of him). Someone will call the cops hopefully, then Brandy may see that she needs to decide which one of you is more important in her life. It seems people have different definitions of cheating on here. IMO it all depends on how much a person will put up with. For me, sex and naked intimacy is cheating. But not phone calls, emails or hanging out with someone your spouse disapproves of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 MWC, Everything she mentioned to me that she didn't like I have been changing. And those things she wanted changed really did not seem like a big thing. It was basically two things. First was that she felt I smothered her, that if she was late from work 30 mins, I would call her (her weekend night job) because she closes. So, I stopped that. Second was that she felt like I wasn't doing my 'own' thing enough. Well, hmm.. She's gone 3 nights a week because of her second job. Now it's 4 due to this pool match. It's not like I vegitate waiting for her at home, yet she harped on me about that. So, I got my German Shepherd into an advanced training class which starts Mondays. The trainer is thee best on the East Coast and has written books, done documentaries, etc.. I had him with my other Shepherd. However, you would think she would be content with that but she really didn't say much. She just made sarcastic comments because he's gay. Who cares.. He's never come onto me and he gives me more training help than he does the other people. Before we got married I admit I would come on strong with her. I would not let her come to me. When I did follow the counselor's advice she did come to me. I know it was becuase she never lived with a guy before, she was always on her own, independent. I know i'm not the greatest catch in the world but by the things she wants me to change, I don't seem to be that bad. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 For me, sex and naked intimacy is cheating. But not phone calls, emails or hanging out with someone your spouse disapproves of. He didn't catch them, if that's what you mean. He did catch her in his car, at his house, seeing him, calling him etc. Some people need pictures to believe the obvious. You've got 2 choices: Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 coming home to a husband who demands I change the way I act, the activities I enjoy, and the people I see which you are already doing with little to no effect Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 coming home to a husband who doesn't say a word, shows no emotion, no affection and just withholds sex for nine months which you should be doing ASAP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 What about the third option Curly? My point was the first option, which is what Jeff is doing, isn't working. The second option, which is what my hsuband was doing, also didn't work, because we are not together anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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