I need some help here

[Debster]

I at least want to see what happens at the end of the summer when this league is over. I want to at least give her the chance to realize that she has not put our marriage as a #1 priority but that she wants to.

 

Hey, it's your life. This has been going on for just a little over two weeks based on your first post and you're already going crazy. What are you going to be lke 8, 12, or 16 weeks after? I can't continue to reply to your post, because quite frankly it's like watching a train wreck.

[jmargel]

Hey, thanks for the kick while I'm down.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Holy crap you're right Deb, it has only been two weeks. Jeff, c'mon you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I honestly think if you just back off a bit for a few more weeks it will blow over, I think for both of you.

 

You can't do anything to make her see your point of view anyway. It's a bump in the road. She's already said she probably won't play pool next year, and even if she does, the ex probably won't even be on the team.

 

She married YOU not the other guy. She made the same marriage vows as you and has TOLD you she wants to stay in the marriage.

 

Why not make some plans for the summer? For example a weekly "date" that doesn't involve pool! One night to relax together at home. Make sure you get just as much out of it as she is though. I took advantage when my ex gave me freedom to go to my competitions or shopping or whatever, he would stay home and clean the house and do laundry, etc etc.

 

Good luck Jeff. I have to get some work done!!!

[moimeme]

While we had issues before, like every couple has

 

Oh, JM . Really, not at all like every couple has. Yours have always been real serious issues. She has had a pattern of disregarding your feelings. And while you may be somewhat controlling, it's not your fault she's the way she is because she's been like that all along. This is about the guilty party shifting blame onto you. She should not be spending so much time out without you. She is just not good partner material.

 

You found her, you fell for her, you decided you wanted to marry her, and you decided nothing would stand in your way, even her somewhat-less-than-wonderful treatment of you. Which is all admirable and romantic, but these things only work out in movies and books.

 

You want her to want it to work out and you want her to want what you want but you just can't make that happen. Sometimes, despite your very best efforts, life will insist on going a way you don't want it to go. And sometimes, JM, you have to cope with whatever happens.

[Mz. Pixie]

J-

 

I just want you to know, I'm gonna support whatever you decide to do. I may not always tell you what you want to hear- but I'll support you anyway.

 

Also, don't be so down on yourself- I don't think there is anything wrong with you!! This is her issue, it's not you! There are lots of people who would want someone who is caring, committed, and everything that you are.

 

Keep your chin up!

[Sal Paradise]

She lies, you don't trust her, her father hates you and assaulted you, and she hangs out with her ex and continues to do it despite your objections. Whats not to love?

 

In all seriousness you need to stand up to her. She doesn't stand up to her father, but you don't stand up to her. She treats you the way her father treats her. He assaulted you and you didn't fight back, now she's emotionally assaulting you and you're just taking it. You're basically telling her its ok to crap all over you by not taking any action.

 

You need to either throw her out or issue a few ultimatums.....

 

No more pool time with the ex. If she loved you she'd stop now and not wait for the fall.

 

No more allowing the father to interfere with the marriage.

 

And she has to enter couples counselling with you.

 

Waiting till the fall and changing nothing in the relationship is just delaying the inevitable. There is a problem in the relationship, her not doing the pool thing this fall won't change that. She lacks respect for you, and she doesn't communicate. This isn't going to magically fix itself in the fall. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. This needs to be fixed now.

 

Ask yourself this......if someone else posted this what would you advise them to do? If this was happening to someone you know and care about, what would you advise them to do?

 

I know you love her, you must love her or you would of left. But love isn't always enough. If she doesn't love you enough to treat you with the respect you deserve you need to leave and find someone who will.

 

Good luck...

[jmargel]

I am starting to see what I need to do. Her pool match ended like 10:30 last night, 11:30 rolls around she's not home. I called her and if she was going to give me crap about it I was going to tear into her. She answered and didn't. Asked her if she was still there, and she said yes with her dad. Asked her if her ex was there, yep. She then said she would be home in 5 mins.

 

Got home, I didn't say much figured it won't do any good anyway. I guess she was upset because she lost her pool match which made the team lose the game. HA! I thought that was funny, but didn't show it. She was just down on herself but I really didn't care. She's like 'I'm really no good at anything, even being a wife'. Again I didn't say anything to her.

 

Like I said before after the summer season it's going to be something else that will be causing us problems. If she does not get counseling this summer then our marriage is over. I can be hopeful things will change, but I am smart enough to know that they won't unless SHE starts changing things. In all of this, honestly I feel like I lost something for her. I still love her but that sense of bond isn't there at least for me it isn't. Although I don't condone cheating I can understand why neglected spouses look for comfort in other people. When the person you love and hold most dear to your heart just takes you for granted you begin to look for those missing pieces in other places. I'm not about to cheat nor am I even entertaining the idea, just saying I am starting to understand why it happens. I am looking through their glasses.

[Mz. Pixie]

"Although I don't condone cheating I can understand why neglected spouses look for comfort in other people. When the person you love and hold most dear to your heart just takes you for granted you begin to look for those missing pieces in other places"

 

 

Yes, this is exactly what happened to me.

 

Again, J- what do you have to lose by making some demands of her as Solemate suggested?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Sometimes I think you put too much weight on counselling. It didn't work for me, how do you know it will work for her? You can't change her, so you think counselling will? She may not want to change.

 

I agree with Sal and other posters. You deserve to be treated with respect and love isn't enough. I know I sounded a bit like I was on her side but again, looking at it from a different perspective, as I'm a cheater, I get defensive, I lie and turn things around, and I need counselling yet won't go (it hasn't worked the last 3 times).

 

Have a good day. I really need to get away from this site and get some work done today!!!!!

[jmargel]

I am at the point that I will be writing down demands from her. For me to tell her no more pool personally I don't believe that's right. Here is my list, let me know what you think:

 

- Any discussions with the ex at these matches is strictly pool related and kept to a minimum

 

- Once the match is over to leave and come home

 

- No socializing with the ex either by meeting or calling outside the match

 

- After the summer season is over you need to be on another team than what he's on

 

- No martial discussions regarding us with your dad, step-mom or ex. If any of them try to interfere to stand up to them and tell them we are doing 'good' and you do not wish to discuss it any further with them.

 

- I need honesty, respect and shown that I am #1 in your life and that our marriage is a top priority with you.

 

- I would hope you can consider counseling or therapy for yourself, to take a hard look at not only the things you've been through but what you have done.

 

- In return I will continue to work on myself and continue to make the changes that I have promised and to continue to show my love and support for you.

 

I'm seriously considering writing her a letter with this in it. Let me know what you think..

[whichwayisup]

She won't like it one bit but it has to be done. As long as you keep reaffirming your love for her and show her how good she really DOES have it, I think it could get through to her.

 

She's SO used to high emotion and fast drama, it's exhausting and really, it doesn't have to be that way at all. She just has to open her eyes and see how easy her life could be with you instead of running and doing things that aren't cool in a marriage.

 

Put in she MUST do some sort of therapy - not just consider it. She won't change unless somebody gets through to her and sadly I think therapy is the only option right now.

 

It's good, go with your gut, speak from the heart.

[jmargel]

I really don't care if she doesn't like it but you are right it needs to be done. She has already agreed the other day to have no more contact with him, but yet she shot pool with her dad after the match while he was there (I heard her dad open his mouth while I was on the phone with her). I made sure I told her I loved her, just so they could hear her say it back to me.

 

Thing is, she does have it easy with me, very easy. I am the one who's trying in this marriage, giving her all that she needs. Financially I pay all the bills. Oh wait.. She paid one water bill a few months ago and she'll buy some groceries. Last night she said 'The only thing I enjoy is shopping', I told her well before you start enjoying that again how about enjoying to help pay some of the bills.

 

She doesn't make much and 90% of it goes towards her bills. However it's me who is paying for the vacations, and the remodeling of the house. I am the one who pays for us to go out to eat most of the time. She doesn't like to cook. Well screw that. I will cook on my own and if she doesn't like it, she can find her own meals.

 

All I know is she needs to change in alot of different ways and it's going to be made apparent to her very soon.

[whichwayisup]

Hope she does stuff around the house like cleaning and laundry.

 

OK, I get what you're saying and you're on the right path now. I can totally understand you feeling that something has changed...It has to as you can only take so much before the heart and mind shut down. The wall goes up because one can't take anymore hurt. We've all been there at some point.

 

I know you wouldn't cheat on her, yet the thought of how easy it would be to just spend time with somebody else, feel appreciated and NEEDED, heard etc.

 

Makes me laugh when other posters say they would NEVER EVER even think of cheating...Well, personally I think everybody has had thoughts just as yours. Doesn't mean that you're gonna act upon them just means the thought process took over and realized how easily it COULD happen. But reality sets in and it's just not worth the heartache of it all.

[jmargel]

She does clean and laundry, however since this stupid pool thing came about I have been doing most of it. I don't even get a thank you for it. I'm used to it though, I did it for a number of years while I was single.

 

I wouldn't cheat on her, but like this morning I went into a convience store just to get something before work and even the female clerk was like 'Have a good day, sweetheart'. I'm thinking my God.. My own wife doesn't even say that to me. I know it's not in the same context as if my wife were to say it, but jeez.

 

I would rather my wife give me compliments or affection than anyone else and it's because I love her. Alot of the times we read stories on here after the fact that the affair took place. Maybe this will open some eyes to some people about how something like that 'could' come about.

 

Personally I think she is just too comfortable with me and has taken me for granted. I mentioned that to her last night, that when you take the one you love for granted, that's when you lose them.

[whichwayisup]

OH yeah definately.

 

Last year during my lowest times with my whole anxiety problem my husband and I were not clicking at all. He just couldnt' understand what I was going through and honestly he kept telling me he didn't want to hear about it as he couldn't help me. I had a bunch of wonderful online friends, girls that kept me going and man, I don't know wtf I would have done without their support and kindness, helping me through some rough days/nights. My husband was always working, doing double shifts at work and I would be home, feeling like crap, having anxiety and stuff. This isn't an excuse, but I had one male online friend who'd been going through a horrible time too, and we started talking and relating to one another about the whole anxiety thing and how it ruins lives, takes over and controls your life. We really clicked and it was nice to have somebody understand me, hear me and allow ME to help them (hubby is typical male at times, sorts things out on his own and at times I need to feel needed by him) so our friendship kinda took off. I allowed myself to develope feelings for this guy. Online guy! WTF?? Anyway, we got close in sense, talked about it all, both very honest and upfront about how we were feeling but knew nothing would ever happen..I guess it was more like if we'd met 16 years ago...the What if's... Anyway, it was wrong, and we stopped all that.

 

That happened because I was at a low point in my life, and so was he. I never really WANTED him in that way but the fact he was "just always there for me" made me feel good. It's stupid looking back at it cuz I DO know the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. Knew that to start too, which is why this guy and I didn't last long. We both understood what was what and ended it without any hassel or bad feelings. He's just as honest as me and neither of us we're thinking straight.

 

Wow, I blurted! LOL Don't do that much on here eh? I usually help others and not talk too much about me. Sorry for hijaking yer thread...Guess that you made me think back....

 

Things are fine with hubby and I, we are better than ever and I think in a way this guy helped me understand my own husband. He definately helped me see what was missing and suggested ways of fixing things at home. So maybe he did come into my life for a reason, who knows? Either way, I'm grateful to have had an "inside" manual of how the man's mind works!

 

You and Brandy have a strong marriage, that bond is there - It may be perceived differently at her end, but it is there. It's the only way she knows how and maybe that is why in her mind all is OK. WE know it's not, yet I guess normal to one is different to another.

 

Thanks for letting me vent!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by jmargel

... Financially I pay all the bills. Oh wait.. She paid one water bill a few months ago and she'll buy some groceries. Last night she said 'The only thing I enjoy is shopping', I told her well before you start enjoying that again how about enjoying to help pay some of the bills...

 

She doesn't make much and 90% of it goes towards her bills. However it's me who is paying for the vacations, and the remodeling of the house. I am the one who pays for us to go out to eat most of the time. She doesn't like to cook. Well screw that. I will cook on my own and if she doesn't like it, she can find her own meals....

 

You are trying to control her spending too? If she enjoys shopping, let her shop! I love shopping. I could spend 4 hours in the mall, not buy a thing, and come home refreshed and happy as can be!

 

Did you talk about how the finances would work before you got married? How the contributions from your salaries could be prorated to pay the bills? The household chores? My exH and I would share pretty much everything - one cooks, the other does cleanup after. One vaccuums, one does the bathrooms. One does laundry, the other puts it away.

 

If you're both working full time, household chores should be 50-50. Home finances should be pro-rated according to your incomes. Each person should have an amount to spend at their own discretion. If the bills aren't out of hand, (ie. racking up thousands of dollars in debt and interest charges) then don't make an issue of it.

 

90% is alot to be putting toward bills. Do you guys have a budget?

 

Just offering some suggestions, I'm bored, I'm tired, I wish it was the weekend LOL.

[jmargel]

Trying to control her spending? Well, when she came to live with me I found out at the end of one month she only literally had $5 in her checking account. It was because she had huge credit card debts. So, while I was saving up for something for myself, I instead took that $2000 and used it to help her pay a good portion of her cc bills.

 

She goofed up financially and I know how it feels to be living on nothing. My ex took advantage of me financially and I had to file bankrupcy about 3-4 years ago. I did everything to keep my head above water for two years trying to pay them off but I couldn't do it anymore.

 

So yea, I will talk to her about finances now & then. Her attitude is 'You had these bills before I moved in'. Nice, huh? What am I suppose to do, let her shop to her heart's content while I'm stuck breaking even at the end of the month? With her living here my bills have gone up.

 

Guess that's another controlling side of me? Personally before she goes shopping I would think she should ask me if there is anything she can do financially to help us. Trust me, she is not without clothes. This is a woman who has an army of high heel boots & shoes, about 20 pairs of sunglasses and jewerly that I purchased for her. Not the cheap stuff too, most of it is from Tiffanys. That along with the fact that these past two years we've gone on cruises to Mexico, Jamiaca, Caymen Islands, & Florida. Granted my company paid for the cruise but everything else along with it, came out of my pocket.

 

I don't mind her spending her money here & there on herself but when she starts using her credit card, that's when I get upset. Since I've had my misfortune I'm very observant on my fiances. I don't ever want to be in that predictment again, and I don't want her either.

[whichwayisup]

You're not controlling. Don't listen to who keeps on saying that s***. You have reasons why you're reacting this way and honestly if ya don't have the $$ one should not be spending like a drunken sailor! NOONE needs 20 pair of shoes. (OK I am not the typical female here, I can't STAND shopping. My hubby has to drag my ass out to go do that stuff.)

 

This just ties in on who she is in general. I don't know, responsibility is responsibility and we all get to a point in our lives when ya just got to accept it. She seems to have fleeting moments of it. Maybe she's scared too, who knows.

[jmargel]

I planned to take tomorrow off, just for a long weekend. I told her that I'd like to see where she works at, etc.. since she talks so much about it. I noticed this morning she sent an email and caught it before I went to work today. I haven't said anything to her. She sent it to a few co-workers:

 

"I forgot to tell you that my husband wants to visit me at work tomorrow. He took off work to visit me tomorrow. The fun never ends!!"

 

What kind of bull**** is that? The fun never ends? Forget it. I'm not going to visit her. If that's how she protrays me to her co-workers/friends then she can goto hell.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I would say it's time to call it quits. Your marriage is not a partnership of any kind, not even friendship. The problems just keep mounting and it's not going to stop. I don't know what else to say, not that anyone here agrees with anything I have to say.

 

Once you married, her bills became your bills and your bills became her bills, or IMO it should be that way. But neither of you see it that way. Her family should become your family and your family should become her family, but that didn't happen either. Your friends become her friends and her friends become your friends together, did that happen?

 

Curiosity question....how old is she?

[jmargel]

She's 28. I am a part of her mom's family and my family has taken her in. They've been nothing but loving & caring towards her.

 

Regarding the bills, she hasn't spent hardly anything on herself and she is working two jobs. She's paying off her car, pays her part of the insurance, pays for some groceries and sometimes when we go out. The only part I don't want her to get back into is charging her credit cards, which as far as I can tell she hasn't. When we got married I offered to combine checking accounts but she didn't want to. Even though she only had about $1,000 in hers and I had about 10 grand. It's not so much financially that bothers me, it's about the other things.

 

I thought I was friends with her friends, I've met them before. Problem is the co-workers she hangs out with, one is only 23 and is leaving her bf in October (her lease runs out then) and the other is engaged to some guy in NYC (we live in central PA) yet doesn't love him. Nice influence on her, huh?

 

It's her attitude, it just totally sucks. She can be sarcastic in a joking way at times, so I don't know what she meant by that in the email. Her co-worker herself has even told me Brandy has been that way to her along w/ being bitchy. Maybe I should go and just not pay much attention to her, yet when I see her co-workers be all sweet & all.

 

As you can see it's just an endless circle. I know I've taken up alot of your time and I am grateful for it. I won't make this my daily journal on here. I know what I need to do.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, 20 pages is kinda wonderful Jeff. Shows how many on here care about what goes on in your life and only want the best for you and Brandy.

[jmargel]

I know WWIU and I appreciate it alot. Shows that you all really care. All I know if her & me don't last one of the last things I am going to do is send her a link to this post. Maybe then she'll finally realize it's her attitude and issues and that it was her who ruined a great thing.

[whichwayisup]

Go an extra step. Print off your whole thread. Leave it out for her to read.

 

[Bubbles]

No don't do that jmargel (print off the thread thing) then she'll start freaking out that you are telling complete strangers (to her) all about your relationship and will compare it to her talking to her ex or any-one else about your relationship.

 

Don't do it......although in fantasy........we all can just picture her sitting on the edge of the bed reading and reading then she starts to cry while she realizes how much everyone HERE thinks your are a pretty cool guy and that SHE is treating you terribly. She leaves the pages behind on the bed and seeks you out rushing to your arms begging your forgiveness.

 

<<prick>> the blloon flies around through the air - it's only fantasy Jeff.

 

That scenario will not happen. She will freak on you and once again YOU will be the monster.

 

 

What I do think you should do is to go to where they are playing pool. Go with a couple of buddies.......label it "boys night out to play pool"

 

Like I have said 15 pages ago........if it was me? I would be there wether her father the ex or any-one wlse liked it or not. She is YOUR wife....

 

 

bubbles