I need some help here

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Hey it's probably too late, but maybe DON'T show up at her work today. Then she'll be waiting and waiting ready to attack and you don't show up? ha now she's wondering what you're up to for a change.

[jmargel]

Bubbles, I know. I should have shown up at least after the match last night. Trust me it will happen. I was even thinking about hiring a PI for a night just to see what really goes on. Of course if I am there nothing will happen regarding her. She's miss innocent. However my definition of morals is 'What you do when your partner is NOT around'. Then at least I would know the WHOLE truth.

 

As far as the work thing goes, I am not going to bring it up tonight. However, if I do go I'll be the most charming, lovable, sweetest man her co-workers ever met. At least maybe they'll tell her she's nuts the way she is treating me. Maybe even buy 3 roses, one for her, and one for each of her co-workers that she's friends with. Thing is I met her one co-worker and her & me get along good. I think maybe it's time to make Brandy a little jealous here..

[Bubbles]

I seriously hope it does happen jmargel! You really need to start looking after YOUR interests!

 

 

bubbles

[billybadass36]

She's probably portraying you as the psycho-obsessive, controlling, possessive husband to all her coworkers. I would not go to her place of business. That would at least partially confirm what she's saying to her coworkers about you. She's telling them all these things negative things about you...If you prove her email wrong by not showing up tomorrow, then at least her coworkers may call into question the rest of the things she's said about you. Just my take on that one.

 

J - her going around saying these types of things behind your back - going outside of your marriage and airing all of your dirty laundry to her coworkers is not good. You wouldn't do that to an acquaintence, let alone a friend and a spouse. You're supposed to be BEST friends with your wife (as well as lovers, partners, etc.) She's not even being a very good friend to you, my man. Given the tone of her email to her coworkers, I'd just let her know that you won't "burden" her with your attention (or your marriage) anymore.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Jmargel,

I am so sorry that your wife sent that email to her coworkers and made such a comment.. I can totally relate to you .. my h is in a band and every since i had my daughter my h won't let me go to the out of town gigs .. i made arrangments to go and surprized him my mom kept our daughter.." He said im taking my brother you don't need to go to this place not a place for you".. I think it is because i got so much attention when i went even when i was preggo that it will piss him off .. i always got hit on.. oh well if he wants to be like this whatever!! Needless to say i went and got my daughter and i was very hurt.. I wouldn't go now if you paid me and i will not support him in this band anymore .. why should i he don't even want me there!!

[whichwayisup]

Hey JM...Just checking in on ya and I hope that things are abit better? Anyway do an update so we know how you are.

[jmargel]

Better? Not really. She went to her dad's Sunday night, I found out her ex was there. When I called her on it, she just kept saying she wanted to be with me, etc.. But that she can't tell her dad not to have him over, and that they were just practicing as a 'team'. Yea right..

 

Monday night she had her match. Told me she was going to come home after it was over. Wrong. Didn't come home until 1:30am, with alcohol in her breath. Called her an hour earlier, she said her dad, a teammate & her ex were just talking. Bull****.

 

Last night she was finally home, until she decided to visit her dad's again at 9:30. I called her up and she said she wanted to see her step-brother, since he graduated tonight. I told her I wanted her home in 30 mins. If I was controlling, I don't care. She has me pissed off.

 

So it's basically the same. If things don't clear up in a few weeks, I'm gone. The way she's treating me and the way her attitude is, is very wrong. She's not being a wife to me. I know what most of you are all going to say, it's been said before.

[CurlyIam]

What on Earth are you waiting for? Change WHAT? How do you expect her to change when she couldn't care less about you? I'd go crazy if I knew my bf hang around the same place as my ex.

 

 

This is getting sick, Jeff. Really sick.

[jmargel]

Do you actually think this is easy for me? It's like a nightmare. It's easy for people on here to say 'Get rid of her, she's cheating' when you don't have an emotional attachment to her. Like I said before there will come a time when everything happens if things don't change. It's been 3 1/2 weeks since this pool thing started. I've said my peace to her and if she continues to do this for the next few weeks then I'm gone.

 

Is this sick? Yea, I would have to agree. She is NOT being a wife to me right now. Part of the reason why I didn't post on this forum was because I was expecting these kinda comments. That's why I have stayed in PM with it.

[CurlyIam]

I know it's not easy, Jeff. You are right, it is easier for me to sit and watch and say "leave her" or "go back to her". I think everybody can only take so much pain, and I feel that you're about to reach your limit. But it's so incredibly slow, and... waiting can only hurt you more. She is being a bad wife to you, right now. Is the fact that she'll stop enough if she's not sincerely sorry for the pain she put yu through? Is the fact that she won't continue to disrespect you like this going to erase the amount of time she did make a fool out of you?

 

Jeff, you're clinging to her. This is what I'm trying to show you. You want her to stop hurting you. This is not normal. In a relationship, people are supposed to make efforts for eachother, to make eachother happy, to make sacrifices for eachother. See the differance?

 

It's sick, because reading your last post make my stomach hurt. Sick, Jeff, because not only does she allow her father to have her ex in his house, but she doesn't leave when he's there, more, she goes there hoping to run into him. THIS is sick!!! Do you actually think that when she suddenly left around 9:30 at her dad's place, she wasn't in fact hoping to meet her ex? It's beyond disrepectful. She'll tell you whatever you need to hear, but she'll continue to act her way, Jeff. Always.

 

 

Accept the fact that she's out of your life. SHE is OUT of it. IT's her choice, Jeff. She put you at the bottom of her priority list, before her da, before the pool game, before her ex. Why, why do you ever think that will change?

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by jmargel

Better? Not really. She went to her dad's Sunday night, I found out her ex was there. When I called her on it, she just kept saying she wanted to be with me, etc.. But that she can't tell her dad not to have him over, and that they were just practicing as a 'team'. Yea right..

 

Monday night she had her match. Told me she was going to come home after it was over. Wrong. Didn't come home until 1:30am, with alcohol in her breath. Called her an hour earlier, she said her dad, a teammate & her ex were just talking. Bull****.

 

Last night she was finally home, until she decided to visit her dad's again at 9:30. I called her up and she said she wanted to see her step-brother, since he graduated tonight. I told her I wanted her home in 30 mins. If I was controlling, I don't care. She has me pissed off.

 

So it's basically the same. If things don't clear up in a few weeks, I'm gone. The way she's treating me and the way her attitude is, is very wrong. She's not being a wife to me. I know what most of you are all going to say, it's been said before.

 

Well, I was hoping that things were slightly better. OK it seems she is getting quite good at telling you want you want to hear but her actions say otherwise. I'm so angry for you! And yes, you're right. She isn't acting like a wife. Married people don't act the way she is...In a sad way, it's like she's reverted back to a child and has teenager rebelious behaviour...Bad influences by her father and ofcourse the EX that just seems to be there, waiting in the wings.

 

YOU do have everyright to be pissed off, and then some!

 

I can't believe how this situation is just feeding itself and is out of control, that's just plain awful.

 

 

Originally posted by jmargel

Do you actually think this is easy for me? It's like a nightmare. It's easy for people on here to say 'Get rid of her, she's cheating' when you don't have an emotional attachment to her. Like I said before there will come a time when everything happens if things don't change. It's been 3 1/2 weeks since this pool thing started. I've said my peace to her and if she continues to do this for the next few weeks then I'm gone.

 

Is this sick? Yea, I would have to agree. She is NOT being a wife to me right now. Part of the reason why I didn't post on this forum was because I was expecting these kinda comments. That's why I have stayed in PM with it.

 

I don't get why you're being attacked here. Nobody is perfect but I can honestly say you're not doing anything wrong in this situation. All this is your wife's doing.

 

Just ignore the unnecessary comments of those who are bashing you - or put them on ignore so you don't see their replies.

 

Anyway, if are you aren't posting here much, PM me once in a while too if you want.

[jmargel]

Curly,

 

If she wanted to see her ex last night, don't you think she would have called him? I talked to her step-brother on the phone last night to congraulate him on his graduation. He actually did graduate last night. If she wanted to meet up with her ex, she could have just told me that she was going to the store & then left for his place. She didn't.

 

I can't keep accusing her of things that I don't have proof of. Does it make me paranoid? Hell yes. And I know what a normal relationship should be. What she is doing is hurting me. So now is the time for her to start realizing things and to start changing. If she doesn't then like I said before I'm gone. Pushing her out the door isn't going to 'teach' her a lesson or make her want to come back to me. If I do this, it's only because I don't want her in my life anymore and right now I am not ready for that. Kicking her out is not going to be used by me as a tactic to have her 'wake up' and realize what she's doing.

 

The things she has done will remain on her conscious. She has one. Whether or not we will make it through this she will eventually realize what she's done.

 

There's not much more I can do. I can't force her to change her ways, she knows or at least I've told her continuing to do this is just her sabotaging our marriage which will lead to it being destroyed. I don't like it one bit, just standing by getting hurt watching it unravel. The only thing I have right now is a little hope that she will take the inititive to get her priorities straight. I pray to God everyday that this happens.

[whichwayisup]

Accept the fact that she's out of your life. SHE is OUT of it. IT's her choice, Jeff. She put you at the bottom of her priority list, before her da, before the pool game, before her ex. Why, why do you ever think that will change?

 

BECAUSE HE LOVES HER AND WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING HE CAN TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE AND NOT LOSE HER.

 

Isn't that obvious?

 

If she knew what measures he'd take to make her happy - Man, she is messed up OK, she can't open her eyes and see she has a pretty good life right now. She's scared, she is used to thing being off the wall and high drama. She is mature enough and wise enough to KNOW that her lifestyle now is heading south and ruining her marriage. Actions speaks louder than words most of the time - Right now her actions are SCREAMING! And it doesn't seem good either.

[Moose]

When I called her on it, she just kept saying she wanted to be with me, etc.. But that she can't tell her dad not to have him over, and that they were just practicing as a 'team'. Yea right..

And you didn't believe her? What if you were in her shoes and the situation was reversed? How come you didn't just go with her?

Monday night she had her match. Told me she was going to come home after it was over. Wrong. Didn't come home until 1:30am, with alcohol in her breath. Called her an hour earlier, she said her dad, a teammate & her ex were just talking. Bull****.

Why didn't you go with her? She's compeating and you sat at home? Do you two do anything together?

Last night she was finally home, until she decided to visit her dad's again at 9:30. I called her up and she said she wanted to see her step-brother, since he graduated tonight.

Again......you stayed at home. I think you're pushing her right into her ex's arms........

I told her I wanted her home in 30 mins. If I was controlling, I don't care. She has me pissed off.

How would this fly if she had told you this?

She's not being a wife to me.

and

She is NOT being a wife to me right now.

You're not being a husband either.......which is the lesser of the two evils? Personally.......I don't think she's cheating. I think she may be a little confused right now..........but really.......I don't think she's cheating at all.

 

I've re-read every one of your posts to make sure I knew all of your situation. My opinion is this: You need to get some balls and stick up for yourself. This doesn't mean flat out getting all cocky with anyone. This means go with your wife wherever she goes.......I don't care if you don't get along with them, she's your wife, your place is by her side and the same goes for her. You should've insisted you go along with her to her practices, and to her games or she's not to participate. PERIOD.

 

You're not asking her to do anything that you wouldn't do. Even if you're not up to going......you should! Don't be lazy about it. You're to be supportive of the activities she wants to participate in, yet, don't allow her into these situations that make you uncomfortable, without you being with her.

 

I don't think this is all as bad as what it looks like........step up Jeff.

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by jmargel

If she wanted to see her ex last night, don't you think she would have called him?

 

No, it sounds like they have a pretty good setup in place to see each other. It sounds like she's spending more quality time with the OM than with you.

 

I only bring this out because you're going to great lengths to give her every chance to change, and it seems it'll just allow her to get away with anything she wants. I'm not saying many of us wouldn't do the exact same thing- I was the same way with my W back during our troubles. But in my case, I only got her attention was when I finally lost it and forced the issue- him or me, and right NOW. In my case, she stayed. In yours, maybe she will, maybe she won't. I just hope your health doesn't suffer too much in the mean time.

 

Realize that she has no reason to stop this behavior as things are. She is either too messed up to grasp what she's doing to you, or has such a lack of respect for you right now that it will take extreme measures to stop what's going on.

[jmargel]

Moose.. Her dad HATES me. We do not get along. I was told by him not to go near their house. So what am I suppose to do when she practices over there? He has a pool table.

 

I told her many times I want to see her play at her matches, that I don't care if he doesn't want me there. She tells me no, because problems will start. Whether he would actually start something? I'd say probably an 80% chance he would. Her dad is totally mental. He is an individual you cannot compromise on.

 

I have told her if she wants to be with him, to go now. Not to drag me through the mud. She has told me time & again she doesn't want to be with him. That even during the pool matches she noticed he's the same as he always was.

 

So what am I suppose to do, 'No Brandy you can't see your dad'. I have told her if her ex is there at her dad's to come home. She didn't like that because she thinks I'm being controlling and keeping her from him. Whether or not she is using her dad's hatred against me to see her ex, I don't know. She told her mom that she's not going to be playing after the summer season, yet I found an membership application to the fire company where she plays at. I don't know if she filled it out & sent it in.

 

Moose if I was a weak person I would have left her a long time ago based on suspecion. I don't have proof that she's cheated on my physically but she is still hurting me emotionally. I'm stuck in a very difficult place and I often have to really think my words before I say them to her.

 

And me being lazy? I take offense to that. If I was lazy I would have that 'not caring' attitude. I have been doing nothing but trying to show her how I feel. Don't you think I would love to walk in on those matches? I know where she plays at, and it's only a few blocks away. Do I think I have a right to be there? You bet. However knowing how Brandy feels, remember she saw him attack me, I'm trying to stay away. The only thing I can keep doing is asking her to watch her play to cheer her on.

[Moose]

Moose.. Her dad HATES me. We do not get along. I was told by him not to go near their house. So what am I suppose to do when she practices over there? He has a pool table.

I told you already, she can't go. She can't do it. That's the end of it.........if you can't be there, it doesn't happen.

I told her many times I want to see her play at her matches, that I don't care if he doesn't want me there. She tells me no, because problems will start. Whether he would actually start something? I'd say probably an 80% chance he would. Her dad is totally mental. He is an individual you cannot compromise on.

So, she's insisting you stay home while she goes and plays. Not acceptable. This is what I meant about getting some nads. If she wants to play, you get to stay. Otherwise, you're not having it. If she still insists.......she knows how to work a door. Quit putting up with this s***.

So what am I suppose to do, 'No Brandy you can't see your dad'.

Not exactley. More of, "No, you aren't going over there if your ex is there. No how, No way".

She didn't like that because she thinks I'm being controlling and keeping her from him. Whether or not she is using her dad's hatred against me to see her ex, I don't know.

Tell her to quit, "thinking", you're being controlling and know that you, "are", putting your foot down. Some things aren't to be tolerated. This is one of them. You're not being unreasonable.

I don't have proof that she's cheated on my physically but she is still hurting me emotionally.

Yes......and you're allowing it. What does a Doctor say whenever you tell him or her, "It hurts when I do this"?

I'm stuck in a very difficult place and I often have to really think my words before I say them to her.

I don't see anything difficult here at all. You have one option, and one option only. Put your foot down. Insist she don't go to Dad's if ex is there, and that you'll be at every match. Simply as that. I don't see how it could be any easier..........

And me being lazy? I take offense to that.

I didn't mean it as an insult.......I really meant that as I can see instances where I when I should've practiced what I preached..... I myself have been lazy about it too......I was using my own experiences to forwarn you.

 

The rest of your response explains to me what you want. You either go and take it.....or lose it all together. Don't continue to ask her to go, INSIST on it. If her Dad attacks you in a public place.......all the better......I'd use it as an opportunity to place him in the hospital for a few days and you'll feel better!

 

And even if you're not up to getting into a confrontation with your FIL.......just remember you'll both get hurt......don't think that he doesn't know that.

[CurlyIam]

Moose, if you weren't married, I'd wanna marry ya! I really would!

 

I agree 220% with your pov. Jeff is letting everyone walk all over him. His wife primarily, but then her family too. What she needs, what she thinks, what she might need and think - that's her own problem. No one can guess another human being's thoughts and needs. That person needs to speak up. In the mean time, take cae of yourself, of your self respect. Right now, she allows everyone to walk all over you. What do you think her dad thinks of you when he sees her at his place and he knows you completely disaporove? What about her ex? What does her ex think about you when he knows he can see her almost anytime he pleases, her, a married woman?

 

 

Mike Moose said, you can tell her "NO". For your self respect. IT's what you're going to bed with and constantly wearing the next day.

[jmargel]

I just called her at work about something at the house. She didn't leave the AC on for the dogs and it was going to get hot out, so I was going to go home & turn it on at lunch.

 

The convo eventually just turned to her saying she wants to move out, she doesnt even know if she loves me anymore and that 'I drive her crazy' and give her too much stress..

 

Guess it's over.

 

I'm devestated.

[tiki]

Get control. Somebody, please.

[Bubbles]

MOOSIE!

 

I'm am glad that all my screams for you were finally heard. I have been trying to convince jmargel to attend the matches since the beginning of his post.

 

I COMPLETELY agree that he needs to put his foot down with her. Tough luck if she does'nt like it.

 

Today a simple pool game.......tommorow it could be a sleep over.........who knows!

 

I really don't know which one of these three are trying to hurt and destroy jmargel more. Brandy....her ex-husband (the abuser) or her idiot father who thinks he is the Sergeant in Command.

 

Thank Goodness you are here now Moose jmargel needs strength.

 

Jeff, you know I think very highly of you but I totally agree with Moose here (without question) I know you are not too overly happy with his words but "mano-e-mano" you need some help.

 

 

bubbles

[EnigmaXOXO]

If her Dad attacks you in a public place.......all the better......I'd use it as an opportunity to place him in the hospital for a few days and you'll feel better!

 

Pardon me for crashing this testosterone fest, but personally I don't think it would be wise for Jeff to engage in any physical altercations at this point. It might land him in jail with a restraining order pinned to his ayas. If that should happen, he would no longer be allowed anywhere near his wife while his father-in-law was around. Shooting himself in the foot would only push himself further into a corner.

 

If the tournaments are held in a public place, only the owner or proprietor of the establishment can bar you from entry. If your father-in-law harasses you, do your best not to feed into it. Ignore him. If he should get out of hand, have the owner put him out or call the cops. Only a level head is going to prevail in this situation. Otherwise, you're going to look like the controlling stalker that everyone is trying to make you out to be.

[EnigmaXOXO]

 

So sorry, Jeff. I posted before I had the chance to read your last response.

[Moose]

Originally posted by jmargel

I just called her at work about something at the house. She didn't leave the AC on for the dogs and it was going to get hot out, so I was going to go home & turn it on at lunch.

 

The convo eventually just turned to her saying she wants to move out, she doesnt even know if she loves me anymore and that 'I drive her crazy' and give her too much stress..

 

Guess it's over.

 

I'm devestated.

Well, let her go. But let it be known that if she leaves, she will not be welcomed back. I am sorry to hear this........I guess I got here too late Bubbles, and Curly.....

 

In this case, I'd make it a point that she gets all of her things tonight, turn in her key to the house, inform her that you're changing the locks......make it as permanent as you can and show no emotion. And don't help her at all. And no, she can't bring Dad or anyone else to help.

 

You've got to show her that you're standing your ground on this and that you are in the right. She's making an huge mistake........like a child touching a hot stove, stand back and watch.......it's going to hurt like hell, but DO NOT shed one tear in front of her.

[Bubbles]

jmargel,

 

Sorry for this but here goes..............THERE SHE GOES PUSHING YOU AROUND AGAIN!!!

 

How many times is this woman going to put a demand on you and you are going to buckle. You should tell her...."Good I think you SHOULD move out since you have not really been a part of this marriage and this home anyways. You act more like a roommate with benefits to me who comes and goes as she sees fit while I am the only one acting like I am married"

 

Jeff honey.........don't drop the ball.......stand up to her! Yell at her and give her your demands. If she will not comply then let her go.

 

 

bubbles