I need some help here

[Moose]

Pardon me for crashing this testosterone fest, but personally I don't think it would be wise for Jeff to engage in any physical altercations at this point.

Of course it wouldn't be wise......but if the FIL started soemthing in a public place, personally, I'd allow him to connect with one punch, and one punch only.......then he's fair game. I'm not an advocate for bar room brawling........it was his daughter's choice to leave her family and be one with Jeff. He has every right to defend that decision. Yes, I am wrong to use an opportunity like that to my advantage..........but I'm not perfect.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I know Moose.

 

None of us are perfect. Especially when emotions get the best of us. Rage is a killer.

 

They're playing Jeff, and like a game of chess, they've backed him in a corner. Stalemate. My fear is that he'll do exactly what they want him to do…lose "control" of himself. This way, Jeff looks like the nut while they get to justify why it is they all dislike him so much. He can't give them that.

 

Let her go, Jeff. Let her go.

[jmargel]

She was just so cold to me. She didnt even want to hear what I had to say. She just said I was stressing her out even more. Right now i'm numb. I was at work when this happened. My manager saw me & saw I had tears in my eyes. He told me to go. I dont even know where to turn to.

 

On the phone she said she was going out with some co-workers for a retirement party after work. She said a few times, 'Ill see you in 8 hours' like its a time for her to dread.

 

I asked her how could she put me on a roller coaster like this? You tell me you love me one day and then the next say these things. Her reply was 'I try to love you'. WTF? She said she cares for me? Like I'm some sort of dog now?

 

As the conversation ended, I told her I love you. She didn't say it back.

[whichwayisup]

I'm so sorry to hear that Jeff. She's a fool right now and doesn't know a thing. She's messed up in the head, she's allowing others to pull her strings and she isn't the woman you know and love right now. Maybe her leaving, as much as this is breaking your heart - is for the best - Doesn't mean that it's over - But maybe, just maybe, time apart will allow her to figure out how she feels and for you - To have some sanity - Even though I'm sure this is so painful for you.

 

I don't know what else to say except I feel for what you're going through and I got tears in my eyes because it's such a sad situation.

 

Hugs.

WWIU

[Moose]

Yup.......I'd be at the door, with it propped open, when she came home......I'd tell her to get her stuff, and get out. Then I'd sit in the livingroom and drink a beer while watching a show....laughing......I wouldn't even look at her......when she's done, I'd walk her to the door, tell her bye, close the door and wait for her to drive out before I yelled at the top of my lungs.......well........you know what you're gonna yell.

[Mz. Pixie]

J-

 

I'm so sorry honey-

 

Today, before you do anything I suggest you pick up James Dobson "Love must be tough". This is the book that COC has been talking about in threads. My bf got this book after he and his wife separated (she left him for another man). The book tells you exactly what people in your situation will do that they shouldn't do. I read it after my separation and I could see in it the behavior that my exh did that pushed me away. These are the things you do NOT want to do.

 

I totally agree with what Moose has said. Thank GOD he finally visited this thread-because he said it so much better than I ever could. He also said it from the male perspective- which is what you needed I think.

 

Take some deep breaths here honey. There is still a chance that if you handle this correctly you can still save the marriage. Get the book, seriously. In the meantime, be firm- reinterate that you love her but that you will not put up with her behavior. Tell her that if she wants to leave, that's her choice but that she will be leaving someone who really loves her. Tell her you don't want her to leave but DON'T beg her. Tell her that it probably is best that she does leave if she doesn't want to put forth the effort that the marriage needs. Then tell her you would be willing to work on things if she did the things that you have stated that are required. Just like Moose said. Be firm, do not cry or beg. I know that's hard to say and think about, but trust me, when my exh cried all I wanted to do was run the other way. I was too caught up in being selfish to care about what it was doing to him. Not proud of it, but true.

 

I'm here for you- you can PM me if you need to.

[Moose]

I'm here for you- you can PM me if you need to.

Ditto for me too BTW.

[JadeStar]

Jeff, I'm so sorry you're hurting, this really bites!! I have to agree with some of the others though. If she wants to leave, let her go. I know it will be hard no doubt, however, I think until she gets some help for her unresolved issues from her past, theres no way you all can move forward in a happy loving relationship. Maybe one day she will wake up and see the light, but then it might be to late. Her loss will be anothers gain, you deserve better! I don't know if you even want to hear that right now, but hopefully in time things will be brighter for you. Once again so sorry this is happening.

 

 

Jade

[jmargel]

Thank you. I know I need to be firm but right now my heart is broken. I'm at work with a lump in my throat keeping my tears from coming.

 

Last night things were going pretty good. I paid our neighbor to cut the grass because mine was broken. I ordered a new one. Brandy was like 'Well if it's a good one I can mow the lawn', you know like talking about the future.

 

About 9:15 she wanted to get some soda, I offered to get it for her, she said no. The store is down the block, before she left she's like can I drop this card off for chris (her step-brother) he's graduating tonight. He lives with her dad. She saw him all throughout the weekend and monday night. I'm like Brandy it's late, I'd just like to spend one night with you.

 

Well, 9:35 rolls around, figured she went anyways. So, I called her, asked her she was going to her dads. She said yes, she'll be home soon. I figured she was going to shoot pool there for hours and just asked not to be out there a long time. I talked to Chris a little to congrulate him.

 

She got home kinda in a down mood. Here I guess they were going to take him out to eat. She never told me that on the phone otherwise I would have told her to go and have a good time. She brought that up this morning, that she couldn't go because of me. I felt like a complete jerk. I told her I would tell her to have had a good time but she didn't believe me.

 

She has it that I'm some controlling, needy person. I just wanted to spend some quality time with her yesterday.

 

I don't want to lose her this just feels so hopeless. Like everything is my blame and to her it's not worth even trying to work out.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The only thing I have right now is a little hope that she will take the initiative to get her priorities straight. I pray to God everyday that this happens.

 

And perhaps you have finally received your answer?

 

Often we don't always get what we want…rather we are given what we need. I'll be the first to admit that I'm no religious scholar, but I've certainly been enlightened spiritually enough to understand that It works in mysterious ways.

 

Sure enough, a bolt of lightening wasn't sent from heaven to strike a light under Brandy's ayas and re-wire her brain circuitry so that she instantaneously evolved into your idea of the perfect life partner. Never happens that way. But you've been given an opportunity to free yourself from your pain and misery. . . while at the same time being left with your human choice to decide which path to take.

 

Rather then resist, why not trust that a Higher Power already knows what's best for you even when you don't? Let go…hand it over to Him…and see where it leads you.

[Moose]

She has it that I'm some controlling, needy person.

You're not. You're just trying to be reasonable with her, and she's not listening. Sometimes when you put your foot down it comes off as being controlling. You need to communicate a little better with her on the differences between the two.

I don't want to lose her this just feels so hopeless. Like everything is my blame and to her it's not worth even trying to work out.

I assure you.....it's not your fault. That's why I said what I said about watching the child burn her hand. She has NO CLUE what mistakes she's making right now. You need to set back like the wise man and watch her fall. You'll have to be callous, (SW?), cold......numb to her all together. I can almost guarentee you that once she figures out how much she's messing up, she'll come whimpering back.......

[moimeme]

I'm so sorry to hear this, JM. The thing is, I think she's addicted to the ex. She may not be having an affair, but she seems to be drawn to being where he is - at the expense of being with you. She may have been telling you she cared because she still wasn't admitting to herself that she wants to be where he is but her increasing annoyance at you when you wanted her around plus her constant absence from the house spoke volumes.

 

Basically, if you love someone you want to be with that person. It's that simple. That she was not spending time with you willingly was always the big clue. Never mind the excuses about the relationship with the father, mother, etc etc. If she *really* loved you, you should have been #1 ahead of all those people.

 

Enigma's 10000% correct - I think this is the answer to your prayers. Some of us have to be kicked in the butt to realize that the life we are trying to create for ourselves is not the life we're supposed to be living.

 

It really isn't your fault. You tried your best to love her but she is a broken human and it'll be years, if ever, before she understands what's best for her and learns to love herself and others in a healthy way. It is very sad indeed to be in a relationship with someone like that and to realize nothing you can do will repair it, believe me. Been there.

 

This will be horrible for a while but you'll survive and thrive and go on to meet someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

 

peace

[Bubbles]

UNBELEIVABLE! Brandy cannot tell the difference between the fact that you do not wish her to spend time with her ex and her family over spending quality time with her distinct family? That is just plain STUPID! NOW she is doing her best to make you look like the bad guy......now we all know it.

 

You know what Jeff? You should let her go.......let her go back to her stupid family with their stupid Drill Sergeant of a Father......let her try and exist under his roof........beleive me she will regret treating you like this once she gets a FULL DOSE of her Father.

 

You are NOT failing by letting her go. You have not failed her. Stop feeling and thinking that maybe there is something better that you can do. Wash your hands man!

 

Brandy is looking out for Brandy. Jeff needs to look out for Jeff.......or is that our job here at LoveShack?

 

bubbles

[jmargel]

I know I haven't failed her but that is what she is thinking. I mean things were stable before this pool thing started. It's gone really bad in the past 3-4 weeks. I just can't believe she would do this to me. Like I'm being punished for something that I didn't know I did wrong.

 

I talked to the one person here at work who's been married over 30 years. He told me when I married her, I married her issues, her problems. Like if she was handicapped I would have married that, just like the emotional problems she has. I told him I know that but Brandy doesn't see it that way. That any issues I have, I need to solve on my own.

 

He thinks there's something more going on in regards w/ the ex, etc.. I feel like my world has gone outo from under me. When I married her she became my life. I consider us as one. That we would be there together through both good an bad times. I don't know what she expected out of all of this. I can talk to tons of people about this but I just feel so alone. She's my #1 priority and a huge part of my life along with being my wife and best friend.

[moimeme]

being my wife and best friend.

 

 

JM, she's not your friend. She treats you terribly, which is not what friends do. She shows a huge disregard for you and your feelings, which is not what friends do.

 

What you did was fall in love with the good in her - and few people have no good at all in side them. However, she has huge, massive, humungous issues that prevent her from loving you back in any sort of healthy way. But because of the good you believe is in her, you've allowed her to abuse you badly. You can't do this any more. Her good traits do not give her leave to mistreat you and you don't deserve to take the brunt of her issues.

 

And the good traits are just not enough to sustain a relationship, which is why love is never enough. Besides love, you need to be good and kind to each other. As long as only one person is involved in maintaining the relationship, well, there isn't a relationship.

[Slapshot2286]

Well I didnt' read all the replies to this, and I can't speak from experience with marriage, because I'm not married, but I saw what happened to my dad, and what happened to me during that time.

 

 

My stepmom ended up moving out, and we found out that she was cheating on my dad and living with her boss. divorce is pending now.

 

During the 2 years I lived with them, she was always provocative, but nobody suspected her of cheating. When my dad would mention her boss, she would say, "stop being paranoid. he's a fat ugly slob, blah blah blah blah." I've found that most of the time, when you inquire about something, and the person turns it around on you, they're usually hiding something. The fact that she's already admitted to hiding something from you furthers that point. I'm not qualified to give any advice, only to tell you my experiences. It seems to me like there's some foul play between her and her ex, and she's using her dad as an excuse to cover it up, as well as your *claimed* insecurities. Sounds fishy to me.

 

And as far as having your world being tugged out from under you, that's not true. The fact that you had the courage to come on here and speak about this and recognize what you have, you're already above the problem. You're young and you still have a world ahead of you, not beneath you to be tugged out.

 

I hate to use the 'there's people worse off' bit, but my dad's 63 and he's being taken to the cleaners by this broad. If there's nothing wrong in your relationship and this is all just insecurity that gets cleared up, I'll be happy for ya, and so will everyone here. However, if this is an issue and there's some foul play going on, be thankful you found it now, and not when you're 60. Best of luck for ya!

 

Ross

[Mz. Pixie]

As Moose says, there is a difference between being controlling and putting your foot down. In marriage, you are each accountable to the other. You are accountable to her for your actions and she is accountable to you for hers.

 

Right now, everything you say is being met with defensiveness. That is the only way she knows how to communicate. She doesn't want to listen to what's right and wrong. She doesn't care. Everything she says is her trying to justify what she's doing and saying. That's just what you do when you're doing something wrong and you're called on it. I took a communications in marriage class- back in the good days of my marriage. When someone is being defensive they want to turn the focus back to you instead of the actual problem at hand. Brandy is a master of this.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with M on this one and sadly, once one decides it's over there isn't much the other person can do to change their minds. I'm not saying that is the definate case with you and Brandy, maybe some time apart will make her see what she is giving up.

[New_Wife]

stupid double post

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by jmargel

...Brandy doesn't see it that way. That any issues I have, I need to solve on my own.

 

When I married her she became my life. I consider us as one. That we would be there together through both good an bad times. I don't know what she expected out of all of this. I can talk to tons of people about this but I just feel so alone. She's my #1 priority and a huge part of my life along with being my wife and best friend.

 

JMargel,

 

I've stayed out of this thread because I don't want to add my two cents and kick you when you're down. You seem like a nice guy who's in pain and the last thing you need is me wandering in and spouting my thoughts.

 

But I feel like it would be a disservice not to point out what I see in your writing.

 

You see Brandy's issues. She doesn't. She see's your issues. You don't.

 

Now, I am not saying she is right. But I am also not saying you are right. Please look at what you wrote. "When I married her she became my life" WHOAH! I don't think you mean that figuratively either. When asked throughout this thread what else you can do, or had it suggested that you do something else, you've pooh-poohed it away so you could come back to focus on this. "my whole life" is quite a huge burden to place on another human being - and a troubled one at that.

 

"I consider us as one." No. You are 2. I know the love songs and Hallmark would have you believe that two souls become one - but that's a surefire recipe for someone to feel suffocated. You are 2 people. You have two unique perspectives.

 

"She's my #1 priority and a huge part of my life..." From what I've seen - she is your WHOLE life. This is great for romance novels - sucks in the real world. You need to get a life. I don't mean that as an insult - I mean it as constructive criticism. No one person can be your everything. It is not fair to expect it & you will be let down EVERY TIME. I am not defending her actions, but you spend so much time microscopically evaluating hers, I wonder if you ever really look at yours? Or your geniune motives outside of the cloak of "but I love her so"?

 

If my husband wanted that much of me, I would feel suffocated too & escape any way I could. I'm sorry, but I would. He has his stuff (bowling, fantasy football, working in his garage, etc.) and I have mine (lingere parties, girls nights out, shopping, sewing & yard work). Sometimes, even as I love him with all my heart, I want him to go the hell away, and I know he feels the same. Individual time is healthy. It allows us to recharge and it keeps a little mystery in the relationship. Mystery is good. Subterfuge and lying bad - but mystery good.

 

If your wife gets the sense from you that if she's in the bathroom too long that you might pick the lock to see what's up - you are not so much acting a husband as a warden. She has told you, repeatedly, that she feels this way. Why do you dismiss it? Her concerns are nothing, but yours are valid? And when she strikes out and acts an aZZ with this pool thing, you are shocked?? Why??

 

Please, JMargel, run don't walk to Individual counseling to look at YOUR part in this. You have some HUGE insecurities driving you - some real - some possibly imagined - and I suspect this will not end for you with the end of this relationship if you don't seek help. You were attracted to her for a reason - the good AND the bad. Now you're getting to see the bad. Focus on YOU.

 

Take care. Sorry if I'm harsh - I tried my best to be gentle (not very good at it)

[Debster]

I think New_Wife brings up some very important points and a new outlook.

[jmargel]

New Wife, I do have my own things to do. She's gone 4 nights out of the week, 3 working (she doesn't get back until 10:30 if she doesn't goto her dads) and the pool match night.

 

What do you think I do while she's gone, just sit around waiting for her? I started an obiedience class for my dog on one of those nights, the others I go out run errands, visit family, etc.. We have Tues-Thurs. together. So, I'd like to spend some time with her on those nights, is that wrong?

 

I'm not expecting to be with her 24/7, I wouldn't want to be. When she started working on the weekends it was nice to have the place to myself. However she would like the same but she is never home and the small amount of time she is home, well yes I am there. Except for Sundays during the day she does her own thing at home while I go visit my family.

 

Her needs are very important to me. Me calling her like I used to, bothered her but I stopped. Yes, I called last night and maybe that was wrong too. I don't even know anymore.

 

If she's in the bathroom too long I don't do that kinda stuff. This morning I was getting ready and just got my shoes tied and was still trying to wake up. That's when she snapped at me for hanging around and that I should leave for work. She only does that occasionally, alot less than she used to.

 

I've been to individual counseling w/ the marriage counselor. She told me what I need to do and yes at times instead of pulling away I try to grab on closer. Tonight I am going to be totally detached from her.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

You wanna save you marriage, Jeff? Really do? Kick her arse out! And mean it! By staying home and taking her s*** you're only making her lose more respect for you.

 

Ok, she got a flat tire. What happened to cabs? Friends? Your car? Her dad's car? Her mom's car?

 

 

I think you should pray the gods that she doesn't leave you, Jeff.

 

and your answer to it:

 

Originally posted by jmargel

Curly, right now I think it should be the other way around. She should be praying that I don't leave her. I'm at the point that if she leave, then I will not chase after her. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be here.

 

I have made my mistakes but would never do this to her. I have given her many opportunities to leave. It's not like I am pleading and begging for her to stay. I won't do that.

 

Don't make me say "I told you so".

 

This thread is going in cercles. I've told you to get a life, Moose has told you to toughen up and put your foot down, New Wife has told you to get off her back. I understand why you react this way, I understand your reason, I really do, but stop whining, Jeff. She needs to be treated roughly. Unless you take control, she'll do just as she pleases!

 

Oh, no, you won't get off the hook that easily. She doesn't have the balls to leave you. She'll make you leave her and make it look like it's your fault. You're 2 of the kind, she's too scared to leave you and she wants too, you're too scared to let her go, also you understand you need to.

[whichwayisup]

"When I married her she became my life" WHOAH! I don't think you mean that figuratively either. When asked throughout this thread what else you can do, or had it suggested that you do something else, you've pooh-poohed it away so you could come back to focus on this. "my whole life" is quite a huge burden to place on another human being - and a troubled one at that.

 

He isn't "saying" she is my whole life in a sense of he can't function if she isn't in the same room. He's saying what ALL MARRIED people feel - To become one. I think you've taken what he's said out of context and turned it on him. They each still do their own thing, work, go out etc...Be together yet can still be on their own.

 

You're still missing the point here - Her actions and knowing the problems that the EX brings in - HELLO she should see the light, listen to the bell going ding ding ding - Hubby hates my EX - My EX is no good for me, he doesn't bring anything good into my life except drama and pisses my hubby off! Why does she want to spend time with her ex? It's not healthy.

 

"I consider us as one." No. You are 2. I know the love songs and Hallmark would have you believe that two souls become one - but that's a surefire recipe for someone to feel suffocated. You are 2 people. You have two unique perspectives.

 

Again, most people who get married, combind their lives, friends, families, everything into one. That doesn't mean giving up your independance...It's called FAMILY. Ask around, read around, when one gets married its a UNION of two becoming ONE in the heart.

 

"She's my #1 priority and a huge part of my life..." From what I've seen - she is your WHOLE life. This is great for romance novels - sucks in the real world. You need to get a life. I don't mean that as an insult - I mean it as constructive criticism. No one person can be your everything. It is not fair to expect it & you will be let down EVERY TIME. I am not defending her actions, but you spend so much time microscopically evaluating hers, I wonder if you ever really look at yours? Or your geniune motives outside of the cloak of "but I love her so"?

 

Yeah, my husband is my world, he is my life. He comes first. His thoughts matter to me, I respect him and he respects me. He is my first priority! As I am his too.

 

If my husband wanted that much of me, I would feel suffocated too & escape any way I could. I'm sorry, but I would. He has his stuff (bowling, fantasy football, working in his garage, etc.) and I have mine (lingere parties, girls nights out, shopping, sewing & yard work). Sometimes, even as I love him with all my heart, I want him to go the hell away, and I know he feels the same. Individual time is healthy. It allows us to recharge and it keeps a little mystery in the relationship. Mystery is good. Subterfuge and lying bad - but mystery good.

 

Again, JM has NO PROBLEM with her living life, being with friends...THE ISSUE at hand is the EX. If she wants to play pool and she loves it so much it really should not matter WHERE she plays or WHO she plays with!! Can we say EX factor here??? I'm leaving her dad out of this equation as again, it comes down to WHY she is really spending time with her EX considering she is MARRIED TO JEFF!!! This man is NOT her friend, he brings nothing but trouble into their lives.

 

If your wife gets the sense from you that if she's in the bathroom too long that you might pick the lock to see what's up - you are not so much acting a husband as a warden. She has told you, repeatedly, that she feels this way. Why do you dismiss it? Her concerns are nothing, but yours are valid? And when she strikes out and acts an aZZ with this pool thing, you are shocked?? Why??

 

Yeah, she's brought this on herself. He is acting this way because of HER ACTIONS.

 

Please, JMargel, run don't walk to Individual counseling to look at YOUR part in this. You have some HUGE insecurities driving you - some real - some possibly imagined - and I suspect this will not end for you with the end of this relationship if you don't seek help. You were attracted to her for a reason - the good AND the bad. Now you're getting to see the bad. Focus on YOU.

 

Abit of good advice here....One on One Therapy will be good for you, so you can cope abit better and not allow yourself down that dark tunnel....

 

I don't see them as insecurities new wife, SHE has given him reason to doubt. Lots of reasons.

[CurlyIam]

Ok, Jeff, so she works long hours. Making the rest of her time all her free time. Which she should share with you and with her friends. You're like a wife who complains that her husband after woorking long hours, is reluctant to spending all his remaining free time with her.

 

LET HER COME TO YOU. Don't let her snap at you, WTF, Jeff? Stand up to yourself! If you can't tell her to mind her tone of voice with you, how do you expect to impose youself in front of her and ask her anything?