I need some help here

[Ladyjane14]

Like many of the other posters, I agree with CurlyIAm. Your wife seems to be missing a certain amount of drama in her life. She's been accustomed to it in her relationship with her family, and it's missing from her relationship with you.

 

It's your choice if you want to indulge her by providing "drama".

 

Personally, I think I wouldn't, if I was in your postion. I think instead, I would provide a very clear line of demarcation between that which is dramatic and that which is peaceful.

 

She thinks you're controlling her. So, it's up to you to do the unpredictable thing....and NOT do it.

 

At the end of the day, she'll either work this out in her own mind....or she won't. You can't control that. Nothing you do will be good enough, or right enough.

 

As far as going to the pool games with her is concerned....I wouldn't. I wouldn't give her the dramatic scene that she'll expect before she leaves the house either. She already knows how you feel. The most she'd get from me on the subject would be...."you already know how I feel", spoken calmly and without heat.

 

I wouldn't have anything further to do with her father either.....not for a long while anyway. He is on the other side of the line of demarcation afterall. He's butted his way into his daughter's marriage, and it's up to you if you allow him to be a factor in YOUR life.

 

This doesn't need to be hashed out in a day or two. It'll take time for her to see you as the preferable alternative to the former chaos of her life.

 

You can't stop other people from filling her ears.....but you CAN make whatever negative thing they say about you UNTRUE.

[jmargel]

Thank you for all your posts. They all hit home pretty hard. Some brought tears to my eyes because you've nailed the same points that have been going through my head. I came home last night after work, I didn't say much to her. All I asked her if she read the email and she said no. I talked to her for about 5 minutes asking what does she want. Does she want to leave? She said no. However she still took the stance of not quitting the team and me not going to the matches.

 

I had to take my dog for more bloodwork at the vet, she's very sick. So with both of these things going on at once i'm like at the bottom of a deep pit. I feel depressed. I came home an hour later and she wasn't there. I figured she wouldn't be. Went over and talked to my mom, she told me that he neglected her alot during her life and now he's in it and she's craving that. To finally be a part of his life. Which to I agree. She's afraid to stand upto him and him & her step-mom give her excuses on why this whole scenario is ok about the pool team.

 

Maybe I made a mistake last night, but I called her step-mom. Brandy answered and all I asked was to speak to her dad. I think at this point my anger set in and I thought he should be man enough to at least speak to me about what he's trying to do. He wouldn't take the phone but her step-mom did. She came on with an attitude saying 'See, told you this was gonna happen'. Then she preceeded to tell me that the way "I" was acting was going to lead to me abusing her. WTF? She's like 'my ex-husband did the same thing and eventually he started hitting me'. I'm like excuse me? All I do is call her if she's late from work to see if she's ok on the weekends because she closes at night. And the fact that one day she was so irate that I stood in front of the door and told her to calm down before she leaves. With her anger she decided then to try to climb out the dining room window which is a 3-4 ft. drop and she sprained her ankle. They blamed all of that on me. I told her that you know how upset her & her dad get and how irrational they get and I didnt want her getting into an accident. I never touched her and never would. I was never brought up that way. She continued to basically try to label me as a potential abuser.

 

Needless to say between her & her husband alot of physical abuse has happened. Her throwing dishes at him, etc.. When I brought that up she didn't say much. She then had the nerve to say I took Brandy away from her ex. Excuse me, Brandy has a heart & a mind and she made the decision to be with me, to marry me. She's like you treated her good while she was with him. Well no ****, isn't that how someone is suppose to be treated? Right before the conversation ended I asked her if their motive was for us to break up. Even though she didn't say it, it's obvious that her step-mom and dad don't want us together. They crave the drama as much as my wife does. Her step-mom kept on saying 'You better not show up at these matches, you don't want to be in the same area as her father'. He physically assaults me and now they are threatening me.

 

She came home after me, I just went to bed. I didn't say anything to her last night or this morning. I talked to her mom, since she has a level head on her shoulders and knows from being married to him what it's like. She said she went through the same exact thing and that she hates to give this advice but that I need to act cold to her. That me coming to her is only going to make her push away. So, here I sit. Acting cold to my wife who I love. Anytime I get the feeling of wanting to talk to her and try to make things better I have to focus on how she lied to me and how she's been treating me. I'm a fixer and it's a curse. I put my feelings on hold to try to smooth things over and I can't do this, this time. I haven't eaten in almost a day, yet I'm not hungry.

 

I truly hate her dad, I hate her step-mom. Yet Brandy has a mind of her own and she needs to take responsibility for it. I have made mistakes I'm not perfect. But I've told Brandy in the past that I acknowledge my mistakes and try to work on them. I still don't know what to do about these pool matches. I want to be there and believe I have every right to be. I am going to re-read these posts again today because some of you had made some good points in what to say to her. Right now my mind is kinda in a mix so it's hard to think straight and I don't want to say anything wrong that will make things worse. Any more advice you guys have to give, please do so.

[whichwayisup]

JM, sorry for everything that you're going through and ofcourse, I DO hope all goes well with your dog. That doesn't help the emotional stress you're feeling anyway.

 

I wouldn't act "cold" to her, but just give her space. Ignoring someone just isn't right either - Though that could have a bigger affect, I just don't think you could do that for long. Takes ALOT of energy to purposely ignore somebody...

 

Don't push her, just let her do her thing when it comes to the Pool stuff for now. Can you ask a friend to go one night? To keep an eye out? That way atleast somebody is there. Just an idea...Cuz if you go, the father will come after you (God that is SO stupid!!!! And yes, DRAMA!) and he definately seems like the type of man who would "set you up" somehow and let you take the fall big time.

 

If you can get her mom on side with you, maybe that could help her see how messed up her dad and stepmom are and that distance from them is the best thing, for HER. Time is on your side, and patience is the key.

[Debster]

JMargel,

 

I feel for you, I really do. I know that you love your wife and that you want your marriage to work.

However, in order for that to happen BOTH of you need to want to make it work. It appears, that right now and for whatever reason, your wife doesn't.

 

It also appears as if her entire family is ganging up on you and siding with her ex. They are labelling you as the abuser and from your posts, that clearly isn't the case. However, the only way IMO they would be getting this impression of you is from your wife.

 

I know your wife has had a hard life and has a lot of bad things happen to her. However, if she refuses to go to counselling to deal with it and move on and places the blame of the 'issues' on you - that is not going to change. AT least not until she changes, and it doesn't appear as if that is going to happen in the near future.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but you have been married ten months and in that little time period, you've had two cases of your wife lying to you and being with her ex. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

 

My advice - give her some space. Let her do her thing. I know it will be difficult and will be hurting you. But this way, if you two are meant to be she'll come back to you, and you two can reassess what marriage means to both of you and the commitment. Right now, it's like you're banging your head against a brick wall.

 

Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

Running behind in my schedule today.....as usual.

 

But it sounds like she's got the 'bit in her teeth'. Not much you can do about that, but let her run herself out.

[jmargel]

I know ignoring her isn't right. It doesn't feel right. I just don't know how to properly act. Because if I let out all my hurt & anger that'll just push her away.

 

Her mom told me that she isn't on anyone's side, which is what I want. I want her to tell me if I am doing something wrong. However Brandy sees her as someone different than her. She told me she relates better to her dad. Her mom told me that Brandy has told her that I concentrate way too much on the marriage, but she told Brandy that is a good thing. She mentioned about me going out doing my own thing with friends. Well it's kinda hard since I'm 31 and most co-workers/friends have kids and their own families. I've tried. They all have wives & kids that 'want' to spend time with them.

 

Maybe to Brandy I come on to strong, although for most other people it wouldn't be. It's just a mixture of things that I guess have lead upto this. I'm not going to play a victim here, because first off that's not going to get me anywhere. Second she's a victim in this as well. I need to be strong here. I wish I had someone to mediate at those matches, but I can't expect someone to sit there & watch them every monday night. I know what's going to happen in the long run over the summer. Brandy & me get into a tiff, and yet she sees this guy every monday night and has fun. Well it's pretty obvious on what's going to happen. I'm sorry, but to me this is almost like a date every week. God.. It's so wrong. I would never do that to her. Never in a million years. Imagine having your wife come up to you & say 'Either you let me hang out with my ex once a week or I'm leaving'. I swear the morals and the norms of today are just messed up. Does she even have a conscious?

 

 

Sorry I'm just venting. It's going to be a very long day for me. I'm dreading mondays already.. I know I'm not going to last through this.

[whichwayisup]

Don't EVER be sorry for venting! Keep it coming out.

 

Have you thought about going to see a therapist for yourself? Just so they can help you cope through all this.

 

If I was in your spot right now and my H told me he'd leave if I didn't let him see his EX once a week - I can honestly say I don't know wtf I'd do! Gut reaction would be FINE, GO! Don't let the door hit ya on the ass on the way out! ... But that is the wrong reaction to have... I agree with afew others, let her do this, see how it goes. She isn't going to 'cheat'. From what you say and the way she is, I can't see her sleeping with her EX. She may enjoy the extra attention, but I'm sure that is as far as it goes.

 

The sad thing JM, this is out of your hands and you gotta let this whole thing play out as it is.

 

I know ignoring her isn't right. It doesn't feel right. I just don't know how to properly act. Because if I let out all my hurt & anger that'll just push her away.

 

Just be yourself. Keep to yourself. Try not to let the anger out, but don't HIDE the hurt. She needs to see that and don't sugarcoat or pretend that all is fine when it's not.

 

What are your hobbies? Friends are busy with their own families, but what about joining a gym? Sports team, play baseball once a week or something...

 

Maybe to Brandy I come on to strong, although for most other people it wouldn't be. It's just a mixture of things that I guess have lead upto this. I'm not going to play a victim here, because first off that's not going to get me anywhere. Second she's a victim in this as well. I need to be strong here. I wish I had someone to mediate at those matches, but I can't expect someone to sit there & watch them every monday night. I know what's going to happen in the long run over the summer. Brandy & me get into a tiff, and yet she sees this guy every monday night and has fun. Well it's pretty obvious on what's going to happen. I'm sorry, but to me this is almost like a date every week. God.. It's so wrong. I would never do that to her. Never in a million years. Imagine having your wife come up to you & say 'Either you let me hang out with my ex once a week or I'm leaving'. I swear the morals and the norms of today are just messed up. Does she even have a conscious?

You are who you are and you have good intentions when it comes to the marriage. She DOES have morals, she just isn't thinking clearly at all. Her actions prove this too.

 

Whatever you do, keep posting here...DON'T involve your email friend S in this. If your wife finds out that WILL push her right out the door. I'm not saying you are or not and I'm not bringing her up to make you feel bad, just want you to be aware of 'how' that could look to your wife.

 

I know I'm not going to last through this.

 

YOU will get through this. It won't be easy but trust me, you're a very strong person even if you don't feel it now.

[CurlyIam]

Hi, Jeff

 

I'm sorry, I don't agree. I don't agree to letting her do her stuff. I am so tired of hearing you FIX things. YOU calling those people. You getting trashed worse that a criminal by people who arent' worth a tenth of your value.

 

Jeff, have the balls to grab the bull by the horn. Ever since you're married, she's ALWAYS ALWYAS done her thing. Her walking the dog in the middle of the night only to meet her ex bf, her lying to you and joining the pool team. HER FAMILY, her family for crying out loud preventing you from being near your wife!!!

 

Jeff, wake up and smell the coffee!! What kind of marriage is this?

 

Get angry once and for all. Let her see her stuff on the backyard when she comes back from work tomorrow and tell her she can have those and move them back in when she decides to act like your WIFE! This is not the way a wife acts. An wife defends her husband in front of EVERYBODY. She needs to beg you to accompany her to the pool games. F*ck her f*cking dad and his crappy, trashy, good for nothing wife of his!

 

 

Jeff, if you're not dealing with this, on the eve of your marriage, what will happen 10 years from now? When are you to be happy if not now, when you've got no kids, no second morgage, no tuition fees, no trips for the kids, no foreing language private lessons??? I know you love her, but being cold equals NOTHING. This isn't a fist, 2 married people quarrelling. IT's her trashing your marriage. And yes, Jeff, it's you allowing it. From now on, if you don't take action, it's your fault.

 

 

 

Please, Jeff, please, don't allow her to do this to you. You're a very good man, you desirve to be happy, with a quite life and a nice wife by your side! Jeff, she's sick! You need to be firm, you need to make her see that she's sick! Make her see that...

[CurlyIam]

She's that used to this screwed up type of relationship, that she's willing to turn from abused to abuser. What she does to you is very very close to emotional abuse.

 

Go here: http://www.askheartbeat.com/html/signs.html

 

Please note that references to gender are misleading. Women are just as capable of abusing men as they are of abusing their same sex partners.

[jmargel]

Curly,

 

You know I appreciate your advice and you take a stance on this issue that others don't. Part of me wants to do that, but in all reality I can't 'make' her see that she's sick. God, I would love to be able to wake her up and have her come to her senses and say 'WTF am I doing?'. If I were to throw her stuff out, her first reaction would be that 'Jeff really is a bad guy' and play the poor victim who's husband threw her out because he didn't care. If I react like the way she does this marriage would have been over a long time ago. Everytime something like this happens it just puts a strain on our marriage.

 

There is a point where I have to decide if I am sacraficing too much of myself for a marriage that she doesn't want to be a part of. From what I gather from her she likes the security of a marriage, the companionship, however she wants to maintain her own freedom which is fine. However it seems like everytime I let my guard down and fully trust her, crap like this happens.

 

I know she's scared to stand up to her dad, but she won't tell me that. She's always maintained this 'tough' side to her. I just hope somehow her mom talks to her, I'm sure she'll call her tonight. However Brandy never even mentioned playing pool to her. So she can't bring that up w/o Brandy knowing I talked to her.

 

One thing she hasn't been acting like is my wife. That's something I will tell her tonight. I am also going to tell her that I do not like this whole scenerio one bit, that over the course of the summer while this is going on it's going to create problems between us. That she needs to decide on what she wants and to stand up for whatever it is.

 

I know how she is, if I tell her 'You can't do this or that' that'll just make her run faster towards doing it. She has to try to prove a point or whatever it is that drives her to act that way. We do have great times together, however she seems to focus on anything that is wrong between us. No couple is perfect, there is always going to be something not perfect in every relationship. And to the poster that said about me being treated like a criminal, that's what I feel like. Like I did something SO awful that this is a punishment for me and I have no choice but to accept it.

 

Thing is, I can talk on here for pages but unless she realize what she is doing wrong it's only going to get worse. I can't make her see what is wrong that just drives her further away. I know she's friends with some co-workers but I doubt she will tell them this. I told her last before I left for the vets, that 'You know this is wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have kept it from me'. She didn't say anything to that. She usually won't say anything when I make a point that she feels is right.

 

I just wished she had a friend or someone that would help her open her eyes to all of this. Someone she can confide in. She doesn't. That's what makes it hard. She confides into her dad who just makes things alot worse.

[whichwayisup]

Curling that advice is real harsh...I highly doubt he can throw her out! What he can do is strongly suggest therapy for her. Throwing her out is just going to make it worse and PUSH her right into the EX's arms. My motto, when in doubt, DO nothing. See how things go in the next bunch of weeks, THEN maybe consider other options.

 

She has alot of problems, and honestly being mean to her is not the way to handle it. Just my opinion on that.

[jmargel]

I just talked to my counselor, have an appt. on Thursday but I was able to give her a brief rundown on what's happening.

 

Her advice was to let her know that I don't like what is going on but that she needs to tell me whatever is behind all of this that is bothering her. To not tell her she can't go and that if she doesn't want me to be at the matches, then to just say ok with it. Since right now she is believe that I have this 'control' problem, by me telling her what I think she should do will only make her feel like she's been right in all of this about my supposed 'control' problem.

 

That she's able to make right decisions for herself and I need to trust that. That if she's going to leave she is going to leave no matter what happens. She said though there is a time where you must decide on what is enough.

 

She really wanted to talk to me more but had another appt. I wish she could see me sooner but she can't. Even through all this advice that has been so helpful I still believe this is going to end in diaster. I won't be able to enjoy really anything when I'm worrying about what is going on.

 

I think the counselor is basically giving me instructions on setting herself up to find out that the problem lies within' her. However Brandy is so extremely stubborn that I don't think this will even help. I don't think anything will. She's like her dad, and even when her dad divorced her mom he didn't care. I wish Brandy could read all of this, but I know her reaction would probably be of anger that I am talking about something like this online.

[whichwayisup]

JM, print out ALL your thread. Leave it out for her somewhere and if she is interested in reading it, she will.

[Mz. Pixie]

J-

 

Thought about you off and on all night- but I don't have a computer at home yet!

 

I cannot believe that she is so blind that she cannot see what's happening. In this situation you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you demand that she give up the pool team and such to be a REAL wife to you then you push her in the other direction. If you don't do it then you're not standing up for yourself and she's still around this jerk.

 

Her dad aside, I cannot see how she can possibly justify this relationship with this ex to herself and especially to you. She knows this is wrong.

 

Curly was harsh, but I have to admit I agree with her. I had no idea this had been going on for the entire 10 months!

 

As for you not hanging out with your friends all the time- most women would appreciate the fact that you want to spend time with them- I know I would. That's one reason I divorced my exh!

 

What Brandy needs is a friend who will tell her the cold harsh truth- that she is on the verge of losing a man who really loves her and treats her well! That is what I would tell her if she were my friend. I wouldn't sugar coat it with her, just like Curly didn't with you.

 

I really believe she is considering getting back into a relationship with this guy- or she wouldn't think twice about blowing it off. She truly wouldn't.

[moimeme]

I'm sorry to hear of this latest situation, JM. Unfortunately, this person was a huge walking red flag from Day 1. It's sweet of you to be sad about her early life and to want to help to make it up to her, but I fear she's been too badly damaged by the events of her life to be anyone you could ever expect to be fully functional, emotionally.

 

The sad fact is that some people are too badly damaged to ever be able to be good partners. It breaks our hearts to have to deal with such people, and we can love them, but in the end there is not thing one you can do. Like the drug or booze addict who relapses constantly, this girl is not able to understand what would be best for her or to pursue it.

 

Love should never be as hard as your relationship has been. You needed counselling to even make it to the aisle. The entire pre-wedding time was filled with this sort of drama and it hasn't stopped.

 

I applaud you for having tried so valiantly to make this work, JM, but that's just it - you are trying to MAKE it work. And that is an effort doomed to failure. I hope that you will eventually see the light and extract yourself from this relationship. It's going to crush you. You'll have a nervous breakdown one of these days, I fear.

 

You cannot solve this. Nothing you personally can do will solve this. In the end, what you are hoping to do is change another person's brain and you just can't.

[SoleMate]

Hi Jeff -

 

Like many others, I have followed the story of your relationship, and it is very sad to see the problems you two are having.

 

I have some advice and observations that may be a bit different. I don't disagree about the fact that your wife has a troubled history, or that her current behavior is not compatible with happy married life. However, I won't dwell on that, because Brandy did not ask for advice and support, YOU DID. So here goes:

 

* The window incident was a mistake on your part. It was definitely controlling to prevent her from leaving the room. I understand you had your reasons, but unless she was literally a few feet away from being under the wheels of a big rig, you should not have restrained her, IMO.

 

* The hardline "I won't tolerate this" is also not wise. Not that you should tolerate it, in any way. But try to look at what those words really mean, right at the time you're saying them. I beliebe you are using those words as a way to attempt to control her, NOT as a statement of what you're feeling. More feelings and requests, less verbal control would be my advice here.

 

* At the end of the day, you CANNOT control Brandy. You can only make life with you look more attractive than her other options. I would recommend focussing on whatever it is between the two of you that drives her out the door, and see if there are any steps you can take that will lessen that effect.

 

*

Maybe to Brandy I come on to strong, although for most other people it wouldn't be.

I'd like you to consider that your wife is a unique individual, and it is completely irrelevant how other people would feel about being married to you. Only her feelings and reactions count in this story. Don't even bother bringing other people up.

 

* In my view, you are a male who is on the controlling end of the behavior spectrum, married to a woman who rejects control more than most. It might be helpful for both of you to realize this - not in the sense of "I'm bad, you're bad", but just as a fact of your current realities, somewhat like your hair color.

 

* I see you as a man who is capable of great love, loyalty, and devotion, and yes, you two SHOULD be able to be happy together.

 

* Behavior, like hair color, can be changed.

 

* Paradoxically, although Brandy rejects control, I do agree with some others that she may be craving a man to tell her what to do. There is great subtlety in this point - I would recommend guiding her in a way that feels fatherly, but not MAKING her do anything. Since her father seems to have this technique perfected, you may want to take a few notes. Hold your nose while doing so if necessary.

 

* Only put her belongings on the lawn if you want to take the risk of (a) a permanent marital breakdown, or (b) bumping this r/s into "drama" mode. You don't seem like a man capable of sustaining a lot of nasty drama (that's a good thing), and you want to stay together, so I say, DON'T.

 

* Which is not to say that there should be no consequences to her behavior. THERE SHOULD. Just think carefully about what you can say/do that makes your opposition to her behavior clear, while not painting you in the wrong. A tough line to walk, I know, but then...

 

* ...you knew from the start that this would be a rocky relationship. Not necessarily a BAD one, just a rocky one. Brandy was not the woman to marry if you valued a calm life on an even keel above all else. Along with her many other excellent qualities (keep reminding yourself frequently what they are), she has this "lack of a calm center" that may fade with the years, but will always be present in her behavior and r/s, IMO. You can only be successful in being married to her if you understand and cope with this.

 

Good luck, I do feel for the (undeserved) pain you are suffering.

[jmargel]

It was hard to read those last two posts (not yours soulmate.. yours helped me alot). So I am just to leave my wife? Do you all think she wants to be back together with him?

 

I do love her and everyone that was in her life at one point left her. I can't be that person right now, I would feel way too guilty and besides I want the marriage to work. Yes it hurts *alot* that she's doing this. I feel as if she already left me, which I know she hasn't. However my outlook on the future especially with this going on is not favorable.

 

I married her for better or for worse and right now it is worse. I made that devotion to her in front of God. Otherwise if I just push her to the curb where is my own self-respect? Like I said I have a mix of emotions right now, I didn't even get really into the anger part of her lying to me yet. I feel like this is her way out. She can get closer to the ex over the next few months by doing this while distancing herself further away from me. In the end she's going to go in the opposite direction of me. I know I can't stop that, that is what hurts me the most. Whether she sees that or not, I don't know. I can tell her but for her to fully understand, I don't think she does or cares to at least try to.

[CurlyIam]

Jeff, no, don't leave her. If you do that, you're not leaving her. If you throw her out, you're NOT abandonning her. You're just finishing her business, because she left a long time ago. You're closing the door so that she can come back... you can't do better unless you hit rock bottom. But then... that's how I feel about it.

 

Remember, I'm not married, and when my bf acted like an arse, you can bet your money I kicked him out and made him see that I'm serious about leaving. He changed his behaviour, Jeff.

 

I'm certainly not that naive to believe that one can make you perfectly happy. You can make yourself happy. Go there and take what's yours.

 

Yes, Jeff, she's your wife for better of for worse. What about you? Aren't you also her husband? Where does she put up ANY effort in this marriage?

 

 

 

Listen, if it's too hard to do that, don't go there. Don't do it. But think about it. Be convinced that I am right. Fix it, take her story, be cold or whatever, if you aren't ready to let it go... one day you'll have enough, Jeff. I know you will. IT's only natural, because your patience and faith aren't everlasting. I pray that you run out of both soon. For your sake...

 

But something has to be done. I just don't see how you can ignore or pretend that this situation never happened.

 

So what's you plan? Where are you? How do you see the end of this?

 

I'm so sorry, I really don't want to be harsh to you or hurt you. Maybe I live in my little perfect world. But at least think of what I've told you. Did you check the signs of emotional abuse?

[CurlyIam]

Soulmate, I think you're much wiser than I am. More calm and yes, more... together. But ... maybe I've got an ego as big as a house, but Brandy said she'd move out because of the pool team. Like helllooooo?? I'm sorry, no matter what Jeff did, I would have gone through the roof. For what? For an EX? I take ex stories very VERY badly. It's my per peeve. Three is a crowd, marriage or relationship. Always. And always intolerable. But then, that's me. And I respect the fact that I'm not necessarily right.

 

 

And maybe he has been controlling, but she drove him there, because she made him unsecure. Because she does what she feels like, when she feels like. Getting controlling and clingy is a natural response to this type of behaviour. Of course, the worse possible response, but very VERY understandable. IT's a reaction. Can one ALWAYS always control his reactions? Is it worth it? the effort? The pain?

 

Soulmate, I feel he's ALWAYS the one to be making compromises. I've been there a couple of times and the way I felt was... worthless. I was willing to change everything only for him to stay, only for him to be pleased. Ended up giving up each time because it's just too damn hard to constantly repress yourself for someone who does NOTHING to help you.

 

I may be wrong, but I get the constant impression that she's bullying him. She's constantly bullying him. "oh, don't be a baby", "I don't care'', "so, what, I'm moving out".

 

 

 

Maybe I suggested a bad solution, but it is a solution after all. What's your suggestion? she refuses marriage councelling, she does things to spite him, she follows her family's advice, family who hates him... please, come with another solution than that I've suggested. I'm not saying :'hit her with the divorce papers".

 

I'm saying "throw her out, shock her so that she realises what she's doing. I don't think she sees the pattern. She's blinded and she acts on her instinct. It's a horrible thing what I'm suggesting and doing that must tear a person up inside.

 

But it's the right thing to do. To me, anyway.

[New_Wife]

She's pregnant.

 

What just went through your head?

 

You have a daughter together. That man is her grandfather.

 

What just went through your head?

 

You lose your job.

 

Your dog doesn't recover.

 

Your wife _______________ in response.

 

 

Where do you see this going in a year, two years? What if children were added to the mix? What kind of parents, grandparents, family will you be? What will your children hear about you, witness, learn when visiting their family?

 

Do you fish? Hike? Camp?

 

I would suggest you take this weekend, go away by yourself, and consider - truly consider - your life. You don't get any refunds on this ride so you might want to get the most out of it.

 

Take care.

[jmargel]

New wife.. I don't understand your last post. Curly I know what you mean by trying to shock her, but that's not going to work. I don't want to have to persuade my wife to have to stay with me. I want to know she's with me because she wants to be. Yes, right now she's not showing it. I want to fix the problems between us. The only thing I can do is fix what's wrong with me. I hoping that she'll see this and want to take the same approach. Love is an extremely powerful thing. I love beyond words. Why? Because she possess alot of very good qualities even though she has made some bad choices. She is my best friend and has been there for me when I truly needed her. I seem to forget that at times. That's why I can't play the victim because she has been one herself.

[New_Wife]

My last post.

 

Imagine she came home today and announced she is pregnant. What do you see in your future in that situation? What kind of parents will you be together? What kind of grandparent will her father be to your children? What will they hear about you? see? learn? Would you know the child was even yours?

 

Or, if no children, imagine you found out you were ill. Now, I don't want you to be ill - please understand that - but if the chips were down - what support would you get? Or is that the only time you do get support? When the drama meter is reading sufficiently high enough?

 

My post was to suggest that you take a look at the bigger picture. That you go away somewhere quiet and peaceful by yourself for a day or so and really consider what your future holds if nothing changes. What it would ideally hold for you - and how far apart thoe things are.

 

To quietly and honestly take an inventory of your situation, your hopes, your dreams, etc. Alone.

 

In the midst of all of this turmoil - I wonder how you can even remember to change your undies in the morning - let alone make wise choices. Sometimes a step back and a deep breath (figuratively) help a lot.

 

As to the no refunds part, I simply mean that none of us is guaranteed tomorrow and it seems a waste to be in so much pain if there is another alternative.

[CurlyIam]

Yes, but of other men. And you don't have to "play" the victim. You are her victim.

 

I think you owe it to yourself to try very hard to fix your mariage. I believe you mustn't give up untill you are convinced of it. Unless the love is over.

 

Just tell me: what are you to change of yourself? Didn't you already try to talk to her dad, to her family? Jeff, don't kid yourself. Accept that the only reason you're not doing anything isn't just because of love. IT's because you're afraid of losing her.

 

We're here for you and please know that no one here's judging you. Not me, anyway. You are simply doing what you have to do to save your marriage. Personally, I believe you're wrong, but then love can transform people in miraculous ways. I do wish you that, Jeff. I really do.

 

Hugs,

 

Curly

[quankanne]

maybe new wife has hit on something good here: get some time away, alone. First, this gives you physical and mental space to think all this through. Second, it shows your wife that you get equal time to pursue interests, and I think that will make her stop and think about her need to hang out with her ex.

 

I feel for you, JM; drama is never a good situation to be in, especially in a marriage ....

[EnigmaXOXO]

That you go away somewhere quiet and peaceful by yourself for a day or so and really consider what your future holds if nothing changes. What it would ideally hold for you - and how far apart thoe things are.

 

 

I like that idea, too.