I need some help here

[whichwayisup]

I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news.......but this ain't nothin'. I don't know about the majority here on LS, but I'd have to say that the first 3 or 4 years of our marriage was the roughest, and really tested us to our extreme limits. And from what I've seen you two go through, you haven't had it rough yet.

 

I think that's really unfair Moose. To J, IT IS rough! And it IS something, not nothin'. It's his life. Maybe your problems in your marriage were different and you may have handled them differenly. Everybody goes through things, just varies.

 

 

Jeff, it's great she's willing to go to see somebody. I think from what you said, she's realizing how screwed up things are, and it's time to do some fixing. The car accident could be a wake up call for her, aswell as her bestfriend chewing her out. She knows...

 

Ofcourse you don't feel close to her right now, you've had to put your walls up and emotionally detach during the past bunch of months. In time, when things are being worked on and she opens up more and works on herself, that will change too.

 

She also needs to admit her drinking is out of control. The mood swings, coming home drunk, being abusive. Hopefully that will be pointed out to her during her sessions.

 

Keep the faith going, things seem to looking up abit.

[Mz. Pixie]

J-

 

I've been away from the forum for a bit. Just checking in and I read your update. All I could think was Thank God that she wasn't drinking when she had the accident. Does she know how easily that could have happened with all the drinking she's been doing lately?

 

Hang in there sugar!

[Moose]

I think that's really unfair Moose. To J, IT IS rough! And it IS something, not nothin'. It's his life. Maybe your problems in your marriage were different and you may have handled them differently. Everybody goes through things, just varies.

K, well, I didn't answer this right away, but I'll respond now. Things can be a lot worse WWIU. And who knows what else these two will face.

 

This isn't nothing to me, because I would handle this differently. I've already told Jeff what he needs to do, and what he needs to be consistent at, so have several others......he's choosing the rough way to go, so no, I do not, and will not have sympathy for him.

 

Doesn't mean I feel any differently towards Jeff.....I think he's a fairly intelligent man with a lot of potential, and he's being taken advantage of.

 

The route he takes, is the route that'll make him, or break him......from what I've gathered and the way he steps around the obvious leads me to believe, he'll be broke, saddled, bridled, and ridden......just my .02.

[Debster]

Originally posted by jmargel

From what she's told me and from what I witnessed so far, she has not met up with him at all. Her pool matches last another month. She's been telling me she has not been talking to him and the times he's tried calling she has not been answering.

 

She admits to the lying and says it has stopped. However, she is still going out w/ her dad & step-mom to bars, firehalls to shoot pool. I told her that is going to stop, if she wants to practice she can do it at her dads. Half the time she goes to these places she comes home drunk. She still is verbally abusive at times, her anger flares up really bad. Her best friend saw this one night when we went out. She basically told my wife off the next day when my wife called to apologize. She has told my wife how lucky she is to be with me, etc.. This is someone who were best friends since childhood.

 

I also got in touch with a psychologist and she is willing to go see her so I am calling today to setup an appointment. I was surprised that she agreed to this. I don't know what is going to happen, I talked to her last night, telling her I don't feel as close to her as I used to. What makes it more stressful is that she was in a bad car accident on Tues. She's really sore, the other woman is going to try to sue for medical damages, plus her car is totaled. They are saying it was my wife's fault. Where it happened is a dangerous intersection without any stop signs or lights.

 

I never thought my first year of marriage would be like this. If we do make it through this first year (August), I can only pray that the years after this are alot better.

 

I disagree with some of the posts that think things have improved. While some thing have gotten better, i think there are some signs that things have gotten worse, IMO.

 

It's good that she hasn't been meeting up with him but when did it move to him calling her??? As far as I remember, that never happened before. When did it start and what was her reasoning/excuse as to why it started? This to me is a red flag.

 

It is also good that she admits to the lying - but she needs to do better than that. She needs to explain why she lied and stop lying. She also needs to realize that by lying she is destroying the trust and bond between the two of you. Has she apologized for the lying? The Blaming? The insults? If not, then sorry doesn't really change anything. IT's just a word that can be easily said to smooth things over and doesn't really reflect her recognition of the damage she has caused and hurt from her lying.

 

What is she doing going to bars with her dad and step mom? How do you know she is doing this? How do you know she isn't meeting her ex there? Shouldn't she be spending some time at home with you? She shoots pool, goes to bars and then does she still work on the weekend? When is your quality couple time? Do the two of you ever have a date night? Is she avoiding coming home?

 

I may be assuming incorrectly, but is she driving when she comes home drunk? If she is driving to these places and drinking - she is acting foolishly and recklessly. Hopefully this accident would have scared her away from starting or continuing to drink and drive.

 

I hope that things turn around and that she sticks with the counselling. If not, how much more are you willing to take?

[Debster]

Also, I'm taking it that she wasn't pregnant?

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by jmargel

I also got in touch with a psychologist and she is willing to go see her so I am calling today to setup an appointment. I was surprised that she agreed to this.

 

 

Bravo! You know what, that's about the only thing you could do. You can't really control what she does or doesn't do - but sometimes that counselor can really lay your actions out for you in a way that you see - when talking with your partner doesn't get the job done. Or, shoot, sometimes just saying things out loud to a neutral third-party, you realize how dopey you sound (personal experience here).

 

I am so proud of you that you've taken the initiative to do what may be the only thing you can really do in this situation. No more end runs around the middle - you two will have to get together and work on this. Please remember to take good care of yourself and your outside interests while this is going on. It'll help keep you from feeling nuts.

 

I'll send lots of prayers and positive thoughts your way.