I need some help here

[Mz. Pixie]

Those reasons alone are why she shouldn't do it. Why would you WANT to put your spouse through that???

[jmargel]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Awwww, sorry about the puppy! Do you think it could be arthritis?? Some dogs have hip problems. We had a fiest one time that had to have aspirin everyday!

 

Does Brandy need to work this second job financially??? If not, I suggest that she quits this so you can spend more time together. As it is, you guys don't have alot and it doesn't make sense to me how she would always want to be away. I may not have the whole picture about your relationship but do you get what I'm saying?

 

I long to be with my bf. He works three jobs right now because he's a single dad and has a home etc- trying to get out of debt. He's helped me with expenses for the kids. I can't work another job because of my kids schedule and I have no family to help. When we have a chance to be together that's all either one of us can think about. I can't imagine either one of us blowing the other off for whatever reason. He likes to play golf, but when I don't have the kids and we can have some couple time, he's not running out to the golf course to play. I went through the whole married but living separate lives thing the first time and it's just not for me. True, everyone should have some private time and their own things to do- but where is your marriage falling on her lists of priorities????

 

DO NOT feel that you are the bad person here. You are NOT. None of the lies etc were your fault.

 

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better. What gets me is that you sat there and told her you weren't sure what this would do to your relationship and she still didn't offer to quit. I would have been like, "Well, if it's that serious I would hate for it to cause a problem in our marriage- let's reach a compromise" I would have been trying to fix it!!!

 

She has the second job because of some bills she has to pay. I helped her some but she also likes to waitress at times. Before this pool thing we would usually spend mon-thurs together. While spending time together she seems fine with it. It's only when she let's loose on what's bothering her that she tells me we spend too much time together. When she was with her ex, they never saw each other. During the year that her & me were friends, I saw her every weekend. He came down twice to visit her during that year. He would make promises and not deliver, just like her dad did.

 

That is what also bothers me when I told her how much this pool thing is upsetting me you would think she would say 'Well if it's bothering you this much I won't play'. Nope, not Brandy. She thinks about herself first. She has majority of the time. She told me she knows her dad is sick and he has been. Life threatening? I don't know about that, but I know he's mentioned it to her. Probably his way of making her feel guilty. He has diabetes and a pancreas problem. However he smokes 3 packs a day so he puts it onto himself.

 

As for her list of priorities I asked her before who is #1. She said basically it was her. My thinking is that my wife is my #1 priority. It's like she makes things more difficult then they have to be. If she were to show me some respect and love things would be SO much different. Respect such as not playing on this team while the ex is on it, or at least invite me to these matches. Love where even though she's not affectionate alot of the times, just to not do some of the things she does to calm my fears. The counselor even mentioned that to her, saying she causes me to react this way.

 

Seems like the only time I don't think about this stuff is when I'm sleeping. I would love to just yell at her to get my anger out on her lying and her putting our marriage into jeopardy. But I know that's not going to make me feel better and just have a negative side effect. You would think any of this would make her feel guilty but looking at her hearing her talk I don't feel any of it. I'm just going to continue "acting" cold towards her. I guess it's my way to show how I continuely disapprove of all of this. Like I said before I don't think I'm going to be able to get through this. I know we are going to have some confrontation over this, over the next couple of weeks and she's going to use that against me.

[Debster]

What if she decides to do that again this fall? If I let her do this for the summer I know her dad is going to try to continue it to the fall season when it starts up again.

 

Right now I need some way to cope for myself. I hate feeling this way. No one should have to go through this.

 

You're right. Noone should have to go through this - especially in the first year of marriage. And I expect that this will re-occur year after year.

 

I think you really need to do some thinking about what you want in a marriage and in your future and decide - "Is this something Brandy can and will give to me?"

 

I know you don't want to be just another one to walk away from your wife - but maybe you need to think about "what is best for you?" Maybe there is a reason why everyone walked away. It is pretty weird for a woman not to have some female friends. Why is that? Clearly, IMO there must be some character flaws (and pretty big ones) that other people see that you are not letting yourself see because you are blinded by love.

[Debster]

She thinks about herself first. She has majority of the time.

 

As for her list of priorities I asked her before who is #1. She said basically it was her.

 

Re-read what you wrote. Realize what this means. It is her way or the highway. Basically she's shown you this.

You two went through counselling before you got married. You two appear to need counselling in the first year of marriage. IMO the need for counselling will seem to continue throughout the marriage. Either decide that you can be ok with it, or realize that you married the wrong person for you. I've said this before and I'll say it again: Love is not enough to sustain a marriage. You need to be compatible, respect and cherish each other and share the same values, goals and morals.

 

If she were to show me some respect and love things would be SO much different.

Stop thinking and dreaming about what if... The fact is this is the woman you married. Either she never did show you respect and love and you just sat back and took it. Or she did show you respect and love and for some reason she stopped. If it's #1, that's really sad. If it's #2, that's really sad but maybe you can win the respect and love back. It will definitely be an uphill battle and it will require both of you to work on it 100%. If she can't agree to it, than there's nothing you can do and the marriage is essentially dead.

[blind_otter]

I just wanted to say that I really feel for you jmargel.

 

In terms of dealing with a survivor of child and domestic abuse - they are different people. I am. I have triggers, it's hard to deal with, blah blah blah. In therapy I have been learning that I need to put myself first. You indicated that this is bad (and other posters have agreed) - but DV survivors often have to learn how to establish boundaries and during their immediate recovery phase this is something they have to do because they often spent their DV relationship completely kow-towing to the needs of their abuser. The immediate recovery phse from DV and sexual abuse can last a long time.

 

I hope your wife is in therapy to deal with the consequences of her abusive relationship. Was there much downtime between the end of her abusive relationship and the beginning of yours? If not she could have piggy-backed her previous issues into the current relationship, which would explain the over-sensitivity to your mildly controlling behaviors. Avoiding intimacy is a common thing for DV and sexual abuse survivors.

 

But holding on tighter to a relationship because you feel insecure is like trying to grip a handful of sand. The tighter your fist, the more the sand runs out of your hand. Try cupping the sand. It works better.

 

Just my 2 worthless cents. Good luck....

[jmargel]

She has female friends and yes I am blinded by love. I'm blinded in that, I do see them but I don't want to resign myself to say that they are deal breakers. My biggest loss would be if I ended it with her and sometime down the road she changes that we miss out on an awesome marriage. I also don't want to go through the hurt of ending a marriage. I did that with my ex-fiancee. The loniliness was unbearable. Yea, I dated but it wasn't the same as her. I would compare these girls to her and would miss the little things we did. It really woke me up to how special just doing everyday things with her were.

 

I was single for about 4 years just coming to the fact that I would never feel that way about anyone again. Although I might not have shown it in the end with my ex, I always had my heart 110% into her. I longed for that feeling, longed for someone to connect with and look forward in life with.

 

I then met Brandy. The first night we went out as friends I was just floored. It was like a rush of old distant feelings just came rushing back. Over the year our friendship really bonded close. She would call me everynight and I would think about her all the time. We would miss each other alot, however I knew she was with someone else. He neglected her, treated her as a trophy. You can't see it in the picture very well but she is extremely beautiful, a heather locklear. Guys would fawn over her, hit on her constantly but she wouldn't be interested. Here I have this beautiful woman who's interested in me. Over the months I even stopped seeing her because of the situation. I dated someone else, however it didn't work. My heart wasn't into it and neither was this other woman's. Brandy was upset but she hid it well. Twice she blew up at me about it during those months.

 

Not soon after the inevidable happened. I wrote her a poem to profess my love for her. I told her I didn't expect her to say it back which she didn't. Two months later I left late one night (we never had sex until we became a true couple) and I thought I heard her say 'I love you'. But I thought I was hearing things. I didn't ask her about it either. I found out it is what she said. However a month later we went out one night and she wanted me to meet her dad. I found it strange but I went along with it. We got along good and things seemed fine. That night she was more affectionate to me than she ever was. I had a thought or two that 'could it be?'. Yet I didn't want to get my hopes up. We all went to a fair that night. It was something like you would read out of a romance book.

 

We drove back and she was tired. I asked her to stay at my house and she agreed. She did sleep in the same bed as me but we didn't have sex. The next morning she had to leave and before she left she admitted that she was in love with me. I was floored, totally on cloud nine. It was a feeling that actually surpassed what I had with my ex. It was everything I wanted.

 

Over the next few months he would try to get her back. I let her handle that situation on her own, I told her I trusted her. But since then every few months it seems like some sort of contact is made. Out of all of them, this is the worst. Especially since her dad & step-mom just plain dispise me and I know they are messed up mentally. However that's something Brandy won't see and telling her will just have bad effects.

 

I just feel everything we have is slowly being turned around on me. She was with this guy for 8 years but they never really saw each other. While we were friends she spent xmas with me, not him. I was there for her birthdays and all the other special occassions. I knew we both have to give each other time to figure if we wanted to take this further.

 

It seems like her 'space' problem has come into play when she moved in. She never lived with anyone and her being a private person it was extremely hard for her. Especially since I'm the affectionate type and the type that wants to do things with her. So we both get frustrated. I told her last night that the flutters I got for her when we first met, I still have those. It just seems like now when I pour my heart out, she'll listen but she won't say anything back likewise.

 

I mean she works 3 nights a week and I usually give her the house on Sunday to be by herself. I don't know how much more I can give her. I can't be gone everynight of the week. That's not a marriage. I can only accomidate her so much. If she would only see how she can change herself a little bit things would be so much better. However it just feels now that things are getting worse. Like the inevidable is going to happen. It just hurts.. alot.

[Mz. Pixie]

I know exactly what you mean about how if she would connect or give you something in return it would be better. That's how I felt when my exh stayed gone all the time, only coming home when he didn't have anything else to do. IF he would have connected or made me feel loved in the little time he invested in the marriage it would have been enough.

 

(Sorry- I was dumping stuff last night and came across my emotional needs questionaire that he never bothered to read- so I'm a little grumpy. )

 

I think the question that needs to be answered is why she would put it all on the line for this pool match..........

 

I also think that while I believe that you will do anything to save this marriage, I'm not so sure she feels the same way. It isn't a good indicator of how the future is going to go if she is acting like this already.

 

Also, what you said struck a nerve about how her ex never spent time with her. She spent all that time with you then but now she's got to run around and spend time with him?? Is this like a love triangle or what??

 

As for me, I believe my priorities should be #1. My relationship with my God. #2- My husband (if I remarry) and #3 my kids- everything else comes after that INCLUDING parents.

[jmargel]

Two other issues that she has not dealt with besides the abuse.

 

1) When she was 16, she was repeatably raped by the son of the woman her dad was dating. She considered him a step-brother before this happened. She was actually thinking about taking a gun to kill him. He would come over when it was just her. This happened for 6 months.

 

2) When she was about 20 years old, her & her ex split up. He & her dad pressured her to get back with him. However during this time she got pregnant by another guy. She told her ex this and he treated her extremely bad. Her parents didn't know it wasn't his. The baby died during delivery due to heart problems. Her ex made arrangements to have the baby buried in his family plot with a headstone of his last name. Brandy's mom goes and tries to get Brandy to go along on the anniversary of the death. It's too hard for her to do this. I went last year with her for support. This year she didn't go. She's afraid if her parents knew the truth they would think bad of her and she thinks God has punished her for what she's done.

 

3) Her mom's husband would walk around naked and do unappropirate things while Brandy lived there, when her mom wasn't home. Brandy was mortified. She hated coming home to just him being there. She would lock herself in her room. Since then he's been arrested for molesting a 17 year old boy. He got 6 months house arrest. Brandy finally told her mom about what he did to her. However her mom is still staying with him. I can see her mom loves her, and brandy loves her too but Brandy has alot of upsetment and resentment that she didn't leave him.

 

We were in counseling when Brandy started talking about #2 and #3. She couldn't do it. She then stopped going, saying she didn't need to go.

 

It's these 3 issues that have had a profound effect on her. Very rarely does she talk about it. I don't bring it up because I don't want to upset her.

 

This is one of the reasons I want her to goto counseling but she won't. I guess I need to tell her more often that if she ever needs to talk about anything I'll be here.

[Debster]

I'm blinded in that, I do see them but I don't want to resign myself to say that they are deal breakers.

 

When I read this I got upset because of stuff going on in my life. I have a sister who married a guy who treats her badly. At first, he didn't but little by little, it got worse. Now my sister who used to be full of life and have tons of friends, etc is a shell of who she one was. She is like a robot doing only what he wants and taking any verbal abuse he throws at her as nothing. It devastates me, her bestfriend and my parents. Now she has an adorable baby and I'm afraid that now with a child she will never leave.

 

My biggest loss would be if I ended it with her and sometime down the road she changes that we miss out on an awesome marriage.

 

I hope that the same thing never happens to you. And I hope you never have to realize that your biggest loss is actually your own identity.

 

JMargel, I hope it works out for you. I really do.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by jmargel

Two other issues that she has not dealt with besides the abuse.

 

1) When she was 16, she was repeatably raped by the son of the woman her dad was dating. She considered him a step-brother before this happened. She was actually thinking about taking a gun to kill him. He would come over when it was just her. This happened for 6 months.

 

2) When she was about 20 years old, her & her ex split up. He & her dad pressured her to get back with him. However during this time she got pregnant by another guy. She told her ex this and he treated her extremely bad. Her parents didn't know it wasn't his. The baby died during delivery due to heart problems. Her ex made arrangements to have the baby buried in his family plot with a headstone of his last name. Brandy's mom goes and tries to get Brandy to go along on the anniversary of the death. It's too hard for her to do this. I went last year with her for support. This year she didn't go. She's afraid if her parents knew the truth they would think bad of her and she thinks God has punished her for what she's done.

 

3) Her mom's husband would walk around naked and do unappropirate things while Brandy lived there, when her mom wasn't home. Brandy was mortified. She hated coming home to just him being there. She would lock herself in her room. Since then he's been arrested for molesting a 17 year old boy. He got 6 months house arrest. Brandy finally told her mom about what he did to her. However her mom is still staying with him. I can see her mom loves her, and brandy loves her too but Brandy has alot of upsetment and resentment that she didn't leave him.

 

We were in counseling when Brandy started talking about #2 and #3. She couldn't do it. She then stopped going, saying she didn't need to go.

 

It's these 3 issues that have had a profound effect on her. Very rarely does she talk about it. I don't bring it up because I don't want to upset her.

 

This is one of the reasons I want her to goto counseling but she won't. I guess I need to tell her more often that if she ever needs to talk about anything I'll be here.

 

Wow. When I read this my heart dropped into my stomach. I know the difficultites of dealing with rape trauma syndrome, and I lost 2 babies myself (one last december, the due date will be june 14). This is heavy stuff and honestly I can relate to a lot of your wife's behavior issues.

 

I am in therapy now. But there have been several times that, once I started having to talk about my bad thigns in detail - I would run away. It hurts, like touching an infected wound that is swollen and hot from the infection. You want to ignore it and hope it just goes away.

 

I commend you for being strong enough to be with a woman like this. Few men would handle it, or COULD handle it.

 

There's a good book by Aphrodite Matsakis called "I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors" -- it deals with a variety of traumas, from war PTSD to rape or DV trauma. Just an FYI. I am still working on being able to read it without having triggers. But, it may help you understant the nature of the beast.

 

I'm rootin' for ya.

[jmargel]

Well 'me' going through it is nothing compared to what she's going through. That's why I have a heavy heart for her and give in quite a bit. She never tries to make me feel guilty, she never says 'I had a rough life, etc..' She really doesn't look back and talk about it alot.

 

I know she's afraid to confront her issues and part of me is as well. When I was with my ex, her mom abused her all her life. She went into therapy, to a therpaist at her college. He started doing 'flashback' therapy which made her re-live those moments. Why? I have no clue, to me that is extremely dangerous. Anyway, she went through some sessions and he told her that she needs time off from school, etc.. She's not mentally there. So, she quit but then the therapist couldn't take her anymore because she wasn't in the school. So I was left with a woman who just re-lived some of the abuse she had when she was a kid. Sure enough, things fell apart fast between us.

 

I know Brandy needs the help and it could even strain our marriage more but that is Ok if I know it will actually help her heal. However she's not even remotely thinking about counseling again. It makes things difficult.

[tokyo]

My personal belief is that when you married her, you also married the pain she suffered because of the abuse. I understand that you feel hurt because of the rejection and all the lies, but they are a consequence of the abuse and you can either decide to take a part of her burden and help her with overcoming the past or you should call it quits, because I doubt that she will be able to cope with the past and worry about you at the same time. When you expect her to see your pain while she's dealing with so many things from her past you expect too much. You have the right to be angry, but in this case maybe you neet to give up this right and accept that your wife's path to recovery is a bit twisted and more difficult than you think. If you imagined your marriage to be different and easier you should have looked for someone who had less baggage. Doing things the usual way in this marriage is not going to work.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Kooky there 100%. You may need to accept, make peace and deal with the fact this kind of drama (Dad and/or EX) problems are there for a long time.

 

She has decided no therapy. There isn't a whole lot you can do but let this thing play out. Your therapist will help you cope with the emotions of this and so will we.

 

Hang in there, I know how much you love her JM. I DO have alot of faith that she will come around. She's not thinking clearly right now, but deep down SHE knows you're only looking out for her best interests. May not say it or want you to believe that, but it's there inside her.

[tokyo]

I hope I didn't sound too harsh in my last post, because that was really not my intention. I know it's hard when you face rejection from someone you love and I imagine how lonely it must feel when she doesn't appreciate your efforts at all, but remember that it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, it just means that she's dealing with too many things in her life right now and if you come with your needs you're too much for her.

[jmargel]

Kooky, seems like you & Soulmate could be possible counselors. The job she's at is very stressful. She deals with people's problems all day long. She's a welfare case manager. Her job is to keep her clients (25 of them) employed while dealing with their vechile, housing, daycare and other support. She gets her files monitor every couple of months. She's not told she has done a good job, just critism. They closed down two other facilities and she's worried about her job.

 

She's told me that after the day when I come with my needs it's just too much for her to handle. Don't get me wrong it's not like I come to her everyday and complain about things or request things from her. It's just she has little tolerance at the end of the day for anything that my upset her. When coming home from work she usually takes a nap. Along with that she waitresses fri-sun night. So friday she's putting in about 13-14 hours.

 

I talked to my dad some and some of the things he tells me got me upset but he gives me a different view on things. He said by me telling her that I don't want her joining the team if her ex is on it is me showing her that I'm not trusting her. I told him that's not how I view things, that I just want to live in peace. I said with the situation at hand its like they are shoving him in front of her face. He just kept saying I needed to trust her with her decisions. He said I should ask her if she thinks her dad & her step-mom are trying to get them back together. I guess alot of things I've been doing hasn't been showing her 100% complete trust but it's hard to given the circumstances.

 

Does everyone go through this much drama? Is this a norm?

 

I'm just hoping against hope that me showing her that I do trust her, that she will invite me to the matches. However my dad says she probably won't because of her dad. So do I let this continue indefinetly? What about after the summer season ends? When do you say enough?

[Mz. Pixie]

IMO- it's not about the pool matches, it's the underlying issues- as in why she lies and the fact that she won't give them up when it's distressing you this much.

 

Yes, everyone living with someone who has been through what she's been through goes through emotional drama. That is one of the first things I told my bf when he told me he loved me. I said, "You do not know what you're getting yourself into here- trust me" I explained to him how hard it might be at times to love me with all the emotional pain.

 

With the exception of when I had the breakdown last summer- I never lied to my husband, never cheated- nothing, but I just snapped I think in ways. I wasn't thinking clearly. I look back on that time and I'm like, "Who was that?" Because since I had more therapy I feel so much different. Perhaps she's about to hit bottom in this emotional crisis as well and isn't thinking clearly.

 

She seems as if she's in a "fog" here about the whole situation with the ex- and why it is disrespectful of her to do that to you- as well as in the situation with her dad.

 

As a welfare caseworker she should know that she needs therapy. IMO this was a very stressful position/job to put herself in. My dream was to work with children who had been sexually abused. In reality I had to come to the conclusion that I could never do that emotionally. I wouldn't hold up.

 

B_O is closer in situation to what happened to Brandy. I've had most of the other but never lost a child. I can't imagine..........

[jmargel]

IMO- it's not about the pool matches, it's the underlying issues- as in why she lies and the fact that she won't give them up when it's distressing you this much.

 

She said she lied because she knew I would get angry and not allow her to play. Well duh.

 

As for the second part of that quote her answer would be 'Im married to Jeff, that says alot in itself I just don't marry anyone. And that this is 'his' problem'. To me this is 'our' problem and I should come first above all else. I know right now she is putting her dad first even with this crap he is doing.

 

I can't believe that she can't think this might not destroy our marriage. Maybe she's at a point that she really doesn't care.

[blind_otter]

Trauma survivors tend to shut down emotionally. It's a common coping mechanism. I do it - if someone gives me too much to deal with, I simply shut them out of my life regardless of the consequences. I think your Dad was right on.

 

And I have to re-itereate - abuse survivors often have to LEARN that they should come first in their own lives. Honestly it's true - what I've learned in therapy is that no one should come before me. My partner can be *Equally* as important as I am, but it's not a good thing to constantly put someone's needs before your own. It breeds resentment and eats away at the solidarity of the relationship.

[jmargel]

I know I have alot of different topics to deal with regarding my wife but for the time being how can *I* control my anxiety over this? What can I do those nights when she's playing pool and doesn't come home until 12:30am (she said she didnt get to shoot until 9:30 and she practiced with her dad afterwards.. im sure her ex was there too helping).

 

How do I control or deal with the resentment I have and will have knowing that she is going there having a great time while I'm having a problem dealing with this?

 

I need find answers to help me cope with this. It would be another story if her ex moved on with his life but he hasn't. Since her & me became a couple he's been hanging around with her dad & step-mom. He has nothing to lose. Granted it takes two to tango but I believe this will cause enough strain between me & her that it might be the end.

 

I know myself. I'm very stubborn and say what's on my mind when I'm upset. My mind is going to wander those nights because that's just the way I am.. I need something to help allivate that.

[prisoner]

do you think trust is binary? that you either trust someone or you do not? are there degrees of trust?

 

beyond that, it is impossible for you to have problems that you are not willing to deal with and then expect to be able to alleviate another problem YOU are having.

 

you can always just go and play pool with her. if she is a professional then get a hobby for the nights she is not home. enroll in a class. paint the house. build a car. do something other than let the rust take over. anything to show that you can be fulfilled elsewhere because you can.

 

the fact is though that while you know you are stubborn, what are you doing to help that? while you know you are jealous, what are you doing to help with that?

 

she is in a relationship with you too. get her to help too. don't make comments behind her back and then wonder why you can't talk to her or why you resent her or why you have a prob;lem with what she does without you. i mean wehat would you prefer if the roles were reversed?

 

and then you have to consider the fact that if she loves you and you doubt that just because of who she plays pool with then maybe you should realise that she is being hurt by what you are doing. resenting. hurting. being quiet. being jealous.

 

we all do this. decide how we are being mistreated but forgetting that everything requires inspiration.

 

even what people DO to us. lying is a defense mechanism. get past it and go to the source. what is she afraid of? what are you doing to be number one?

[jmargel]

What am I doing to be #1? Well personally that should come when you marry your spouse. As long as you show honesty, respect, love and companionship I should not have to compete against anyone else for me to be her #1 in her life.

 

To me there are degrees of trust. It's not necessarily that I don't trust her completely it's a combination of things.

 

1) After we were married she met up with him twice. She said she didn't cheat, she just talked.

 

2) She now is lavishing in her dad's affection. Something he didn't do much of most of her life. It just so happens that him & me don't get along, along with her step-mom who in so many words would rather her ex be with her.

 

3) We've had our strain in our marriage in of itself. Adding to this by her dad & her ex are only compounding the problem.

 

When we were at the counselors the subject of her ex came up. The counselor told Brandy that whatever problems you and Jeff are having are being compounded alot by the ex sticking his nose in. That you are not going to be able to get to the root of alot of your problems while these dramas play out.

 

My fear is that when Brandy spends time with her dad playing pool, having fun and her ex that a bond is going to form. So any problems Brandy & me have personally are just going to be more reason for her to leave then. Right now she is unstable in alot of ways. Due to her abuse her anger is very intense and very quick. She says extremely mean things when she's upset. Alot of the times when we go out to shoot pool she drinks. 90% of the time she either get tipsy or drunk. I put my foot down at times, but of course I pay the price due to her anger then. I've told her about this, but that is me just 'being controlling' once again.

 

What is she afraid of? Probably most being rejected by her dad. When she sprained her ankle she was on the phone w/ her step-mom. She asked to talk to her dad, and she heard him say 'Ill see her at the pool match'. He eventually got on the phone and then she asked 'Are you mad at me?' and then I just heard a series of somber yes's and no's. Like he was critizing her for staying with me. Notice at this time it was right after we got home from seeing her ex's truck in their driveway. I knew he was there listening.

 

So yes, I do have reason to worry. I know this isn't all in my head. It's me vs. 3 other people, 2 of which are still in her life while the other is trying to get into it.

 

That's why I'm looking for something other than 'find a hobby' during this time. That's not going to do it for me.

[Bubbles]

jmargel,

 

I don't know HOW you are controlling yourself........if it was me? I probably would have gone to where your wife is playing pool, chose a place to sit close enough to watch what unfolds. To hell with the three of them I would say. Gawd help either one of those "gentlemen" if they had something to say to me!!! I would let her father know that you don't trust HIM or HIS LITTLE PROTEGE! If my wife had something to say to me then I would simply tell her that because she is lying and sneaking around behind my back she has brought this on herself. I would want her to have a life outside of the marriage BUT......that does not mean that it's o.k. for her to go out and do something that she would not want done to herself. As a matter of fact jmargel.......why don't you bring one of your ex's along or maybe a cutie girl from the office?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

You treated her with the same affection and attention BEFORE the two of you got married (that's part of the reason she fell in love with you) and now all of a sudden your smothering her?

 

If it was me? I would probably take her father around the throat with my left hand and her ex boyfriend around the throat with my right hand and tell the two of them that if they cannott honour YOUR marriage then they will have YOU to answer to! Enough Mr. Nice Guy dammitt!

 

I am soooooo angry. I have read Aaaaallllll of the posts and I can't keep my mouth shut. I would be FURIOUS with her! I would be freaking out! and yes, I agree that you should find somewhere to go for the week-end and remind her of what life is like without you, without your caring phone calls, without you predictably being around. Go without telling her. Don't leave a number where you can be reached. Show her that YOU are reconsidering your marriage. Put HER in the hot seat for a change......and let her worry!

 

Damn her selfishness!!!

 

I'm really pissed because YOU are one of the really GREAT guys and just as you would have it?..........a real Beotch ends up catching you!

 

 

bubbles

[tokyo]

You know, I can understand that she's stressed, the kind of work is probably very demanding and draining her already to a certain degree. I think you are a nice and sensitive person and unfortunuately you're in situation that would be tough even for someone who is not that insecure. You can not make your wife change, but you can change yourself a bit, otherwise you will continue in this vicious circle of smothering followed by retreat, etc.

 

My approach would be to tell her that you are sorry that you overreacted. Don't try to explain yourself, that your pain made you lose control or anything, just that you're sorry. Then tell her very politely and nicely that even though you don't like it you will accept her decision to play in the team. Don't talk about your pain or how much it hurts you, repeating things doesn't make people understand you better. If she asks you why you suddenly changed your mind, say that you respect her as a person and because you want her to do the things she likes to do. You can admit that you have trouble with trusting people and that you also have to learn this and that she needs to be patient with you. Don't talk about the things she did to trigger your insecurity, I'd really recommend you not to talk about the things she did wrong.

 

If you still want to attend the games, tell her that you'd like to see the games and to cheer her, but that you would also understand it that she might feel stressed by your presence and if she doesn't like to, you will stay at home. If she agrees you to go with her, say thanks, if not, well, take it and don't bear a grudge. Be disappointed, but accept it. I always, you always have a chance to prove that you're worth it, even after a no. If you start a fit, because she said no, she'll think you were only trying to mislead her and she was right with you from the beginning.

 

I find that most people when you give them a bit of trust and give the feeling that you accept them, will try to give their best to live up to your good opinion about them. I also don't think that she likes all this stress at home. Of course, she lied and that was wrong and it caused you to doubt her, but you won't make her see it by insisting on it. I think when people who we love give us a choice, we tend to do the right thing because we appreciate the trust they put in us.

 

Apart from this, I don't think there's much you can do, insisting and demanding her to respect your needs is not going to get your further. Also threatening to leave will cause her to resent you and to lose her trust in you. If you have feelings of insecurities then imagine how she must feel after so much abuse. If you are the loving partner who supports her decisions and give her trust, she will come home gladly and she will try to make you happy as well and show that she deserves your trust. If she's so weak that she would cheat on you with her ex, then nothing that you do will change it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm applauding Bubbles here because this whole thing pisses me off too.

Your story is beginning to sound like Devildog's- whose wife's outside "friend" broke up his marriage!

 

As far as your anxiety level- I don't feel that it would be fair to you to NOT make a comment about it. True, she's going to get mad but hey, if you have to be mad and upset she should be too. Right now she's just doing whatever the F she wants to do!

 

This has to be incredibly hard. I know the sickening feeling you're getting in the pit of your stomach!

 

I recommend deep breathing and prayer (if you believe in that kind of thing)- just a prayer for peace.

[jmargel]

Thank you bubbles. I was beginning to think that I was the only one feeling this way. What do they say.. Nice guys finish last? If I allow myself to be a doormat I'll be walked on. That's what I'm saying, this is eventually going to happen this summer. To me this is unacceptable. What I should do is go upto her dad and ask him why isn't he inviting HIS wife's ex-husband on the team?

 

Maybe it's time to fight fire with fire. I found out that the season lasts 16 weeks. I highly doubt I'm going to last that long without doing something.

 

I won't leave for the weekend but I won't be home after work monday while she gets ready for her pool match. F that.