I need some help here

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by jmargel

What I should do is go upto her dad and ask him why isn't he inviting HIS wife's ex-husband on the team?

 

Maybe you should just show up at the match with FIL's wife's ex in tow. Have some dinner and some beers....like he's your new best friend. Heck, join the league as a team. You know, make an evening of it.

 

(Don't listen to me....I'm being facetious. But can't you just IMAGINE the look on father-in-law's face!!! )

 

You're worrying too much about things that haven't happened yet, Dude. Let tomorrow take care of itself....at least for tonight while you're tired.

 

Take a break from your worries. Read a novel. Watch a movie. Rest your mind. You won't solve it all tonight anyhow.

[jmargel]

Just a small update.. She worked until 10:30 last night at the restuarant, called & left a message she was shooting pool (again) at her dads. Didnt come home until 12:30am. I was asleep by then. I didn't say anything to her or called. I'm upholding my end of the bargain.

 

This morning I asked her if she wanted to do something with me. She told me she's shooting in a tournament with her dad and the team. Needless to say her ex is going to be there. Nice, huh? Now it's turning into Saturdays as well. She told me it's only this 'once'. Yea right.

 

Just needed to vent. My mom said to not say a word for a month and if it continues then you should leave. Brandy saw me just really down and asked what she could do to make this easier. Pfft.. Like I need to tell her that. She 'reassured' me again that nothing is going on and that she's married to me and loves me. Right now a good part of me feels like her actions are not proving it.

[dawn duval]

I'm so sorry you're going thru this, jmargel. I've actually been sobbing reading it because I can see how hard you're trying -- it tears me up that even with the best intentions in a marriage situations like this can come up that are so difficult. (Anyway I'm post-breakup and a little sensitive ).

 

It's outrageous the way she, her dad, and stepmom seem to be conspiring against you. She needs to take a stand to him.

 

But since that's not in your control, I was wondering -- and correct me if I'm wrong, seems like there's a lot of history here -- if you can try to meet with her dad, try to make amends (even tho the a**h*** doesn't deserve it). But the point is trying to get him to understand that you want to be a part of Brandy's life and you want to find a way for them to accept you. Maybe he would see how devoted you are and stop trying to make you sound like a potential abuser? Have to admit, the guy sounds a little scary and I'd be afraid he'd meet me with a shotgun.

 

Again, sounds like there's a lot of history and I'm sure you've tried with him in the past. Just a thought about how to address the dad issue in all this.

[jmargel]

Nope.. I've tried. Brandy has done her share to make things bad between us. When she tells him 'our' problems that just fuels the fire. She knows it. She didn't get home until after 4:30. She had to be at work at 5:00. I asked her how it went and asked some questions about how they match people up and she was getting annoyed. Saying I was 'hounding' her. Three questions I asked.

 

Guess I should just not say a word.

 

She said the only time her ex spoke to her was when she was shooting. Yea right, 4 1/2 hours at a pool hall with only 4 members on each team. They aren't going to talk? Guess she thinks I'm a fool.

[whichwayisup]

Brandy saw me just really down and asked what she could do to make this easier. Pfft.. Like I need to tell her that. She 'reassured' me again that nothing is going on and that she's married to me and loves me. Right now a good part of me feels like her actions are not proving it.

 

What about this approach. Next time she sees you down and asks what she could do to make it better, honesty tell her this..."I try to understand where you are coming from, yet you're not doing the same for me. I don't agree with your choices right now and it really hurts that I am trying to compromise here and you aren't willing to give me the same respect. That is why I am upset." Or something like that. Doesn't have to come out rude or mean, just pure honesty. Obviously she knows and is noticing how much this is bothering you. She's just not seeing the whole picture or not willing to.

 

Guess I should just not say a word.

 

Reverse psychology time then. DO not mention it when she comes home. Don't even bring it up period. Let her come to you - And when she does just say I'd rather not know ANYTHING because you're not willing to listen to me or hear my thoughts on this situation.

 

Seems as well, any reaction good or bad is better than none. So do none for a while.

 

Anyway, just afew suggestions for ya.

 

Take care JM.

[jmargel]

Ty, i'll try that when the occasion comes up. I talked to her mom quite a bit today and she helps me out. She decided to call brandy while she was at the match. Once Brandy told her, her match was over her mom said 'Ok, isn't it about time you go home to your husband?'. Her mom knows Brandy quite well and she said she was even surprised by this. Her mom mentioned that 'Brandy wants her cake and eat it too'. She's exactly right. Anytime I hear that on these boards you know it spells major trouble.

[whichwayisup]

I understand what you're saying, but it doesn't mean she's cheating on you. She's definately making the wrong choices here though. Her priorities are messed up. I hope she figures this out as it is unfair to you and you're suffering by her actions.

 

I'm glad that her mom is backing you up on this. Hopefully her influence will shine out the rest of the gruesome twosome.

 

Try to have a good weekend, and I hope that your dog gets better. I know how tough it is to see a pet kid (That is what I called my cats as I considered them part of our family) in so much pain.

[jmargel]

I'll update less and less often since I know it's just going to be the same old.. She came home Sat. night from work around 10:30. Asked her if she wanted to go out, she gave an unethustasic 'ok'. She then said her step-mom called and that the tournament was still going on (11 hours after it started). She wanted to see how they were doing. I'm like 'You got to be kidding me?' She's like I'll only be there 30 mins. She comes back 30 mins later and said that it's going to be continued tomorrow so she's going to shoot. So, she was gone all day Sunday too. Worked until 9:30 but didn't get home until after 11:00 because her dad came into the rest. and wanted her to stop over and 'shoot pool'.

 

Her step-mom calls if not every day, every other day. It's annoying that I have to book her in advance. I told her this. There's not much I can do except tell her that I trust her enough that whatever conversations you have with your ex, that you keep it strictly pool related. She upset me yesterday when she said 'Oh, he offered to quit the team'. I'm like why would he say that? She's like 'I dont know'. Yea right. She's like "I thought that was noble of him', I said 'I thought that's him trying to make himself look good'. I can see it starting already.

 

Anyway I know I whined on here quite a bit. My mom called her (I didnt know she did) on Sunday morning. She just told her the same things she told me. It's basically pointless. I'm just hoping she gets tired of all of this. Sat. night she told me that her dad never did anything with her and now he is. And she told me it doesn't make her mad that he's on the team. She said she doesn't 'hate' him. Well, I told her I don't hate my ex, but I don't spend time with her every week. It makes me want to do the same.

 

Before bed last night she asked me if I was depressed, I told her yes. I don't know what else to do.

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh yeah, this Ftard is real noble- isn't this the same piece of crap that was abusive towards her????

 

I'm sorry J- you deserve better treatment than this.

[johnjohn]

Jmargel,

 

Hang in there!

 

Try, try and try again.

If your woman is worth it hang in there no matter what she throws at you , when I read your post it was very similar to my situation and all I can say is hang in there for the 16 weeks! that she finishes the pool thing.

If your woman wants to be with her ex bf, YOU!! will not stop it from happeneing as much as you think you can.

 

I know it hurts but the last thing you want to do is push them closer together by being in her eyes controlling, paranoid, etc etc.

Good luck !

[jmargel]

I know.. tell me about it. He was never there for her. Never came to visit her when she was in school, in fact was against her going back to school for her bachelors. It was me who encouraged her to do this. I was the one that made the hour trip each way usually 3 times a week. Sometimes just to visit for a few hours. It was me who has been there for her through all the turmoil she's been through.

 

It was me who has bascially given her everything she's wanted. Been there financially, physically, emotionally. Yet, I don't even feel respected, and he's the noble one?

 

But see, if I bring that up that's just me 'whining' to her. She keeps complaining about her ankle and made a drs. appt today. She hurt it (and this is 'all' my fault by her accounts) because she went off the deep end over a trival matter. I stood in front of the door and told her to please calm down some and I would let her leave. She didn't like that & decided to try to climb out of the dining room window which is a 3-4 ft. drop. She sprained her ankle. All she has been doing is walking on it and playing pool on it this past weekend now its really bothering her. So of course I'm made to feel like the villian here. I admit my fault to the matter but I can't apologize anymore. Standing in front of a door with good intentions doesn't even compare to what she's been doing to me. Would I have done things over if I could regarding that day? Yes of course, but there's nothing much I can do about that. I didn't make the decision to go through the window, she did.

[Mz. Pixie]

She's trying to keep the drama up about it- and going to the dr. will make you feel more like crap, piss her parents off more- and get her attention which is what she wants.

 

Do you think inside she could feel super connected to this guy just because of what he went through with her with her losing the baby????

 

I'm grasping here, because otherwise I'm clueless.

[jmargel]

I don't even know what she feels anymore. She says she loves me and is married to me. I know she likes the drama, and it's something I can do without. It only hurts people. Her losing this baby wouldn't. It wasn't his. The guy was some jerk from what she told me and it's something she has regretted. When that happened she was under medication and wasn't able to make any decisions for the baby. Her ex did it all. Everyone assumed it was his.

 

I told her if it was me I would have let her made that decision. She doesn't want to tell her family the truth because they think they'll look down on her. I told her she needs to do what she feels is best. However I did tell her that, that baby should NOT be buried there and should be having your last name on that headstone. She told me she feels that way too but there is nothing you can do about it now.

 

Would she cheat on me? No, even after everything that's gone on I don't think she would. Would she feel sympathetic towards him once he starts making his move? Possibly. Could she start talking to him when things between us aren't the greatest? Possibily.

 

What pisses me off the most is when she went & talked to him in November her dad reamed her out. Saying you need to 'work on this marriage' and a marriage is something that you work on everyday. That what you did was wrong. Now look what he is saying? Go ahead, shoot pool. Have fun with him.

 

You know I thought of a way how I could end 'their' marriage. It wouldnt be hard because they have been fighting since I've ever known them. All I need to do is sign up on one of these 'Looking for sex/relationship' website, pretend I am her step-mom. Make up a fake email addy, find some guy, lead him on a little then give him their phone number and have him call when I know only he'll be home.

 

Yea I know it's bad. But that's what I feel like doing. They are interfering in my marriage maybe it's time to bite back.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by jmargel

Yea I know it's bad. But that's what I feel like doing. They are interfering in my marriage maybe it's time to bite back.

 

No no no. A thousand times, no. Don't stoop to something so low just because you are frustrated. This is about YOUR relationship, not theirs.

 

I sincerely hope you do some reading on trauma victims. Especially those who haven't sought therapy for their issues - we are a different breed of people, and our reations and choices sometimes make no sense outside of the world we construct.

 

I think your wife is doing what I have always done. Get stressed out, partner gets depressed, avoid the situation completely. The pool league may just be a convenient excuse. I've done it several times before - instead of dealing with my problem with a level head I stick my head in the sand and just try to avoid it altogether.

 

Just a thought. Maybe SHE doesn't know what she feels, and hasn't for a long time because of the unattended-to traumas in her recent past (which can also make old traumas resurface...)

[jmargel]

She does avoid her problems, well her past problems. She has stress at work alot and this situation has us completely stressed out too. But I can't be happy with this and she can't expect me to show her that. I can only show toleration. That and to keep affirming to her that I trust her.

 

I just wished I knew her true intentions. I mean she wanted to be on the team when I was going to be on it. But I just feel like she kicks me when I'm down when she says she's having so much fun. She's gotten frustrated saying 'I dont know what else to tell you, that I'm not talking to him.'. She's even threatened to say that if this continues that she would.

 

Thing is like last night I didn't bring the subject up. She did. She told me my mom called her & talked to her. She mentioned that my mom suggested that we move away. I asked her and now she says she wouldn't want to because of her job & family. Weird, just a month ago she said she would. Coincidence? I think not.

 

Blind_Otter, I know she's been abused and has alot of issues with that. I know that she takes her hurt out with anger. I know she wants to spend time with her dad but still it angers me that she knows what is right & wrong. I don't believe this has clouded her judgement to the point that she is blinded on what this is doing to us. I'm also angered that part of me is thinking she is getting her cake & eating it too. I was verbally abused by my ex for the 5 years I was with her but I don't use that as an excuse to do things to Brandy that I would know that would hurt her or make her uncomfortable.

 

Then I worry about the future in all of this. I told her yesterday that I wish I could 'wake you up', because she has been so negative about this marriage. Never looks at the good things between us. That she doesn't know what she really has. I told her that I'm constantly trying to make you happy in this marriage and I can't do that. That it takes both. To me that's immaturity and lack of respect for me. That's not showing love.

 

I just seem to be going in a circle here. In this past week I've lost 6 lbs. Sunday morning I had such stomache cramps that I couldn't move for awhile. Sat. night we went out briefly and it was first time I got drunk in years.

[blind_otter]

Verbal abuse and physical abuse, rape, and the loss of a child after 9 months of an ambivalent and stressful pregnancy are two different scenarios. She has suffered severe trauma. Maybe she doesn't focus on the good because she doesn't know HOW to...you assume healthy relationship strategies where I think she probably has little to none.

 

I agree, you aren't being treated fairly. And at some point, enough has to be enough. You need to talk to a counselor or therapist about this if you are getting situationally depressed.

[whichwayisup]

I know.. tell me about it. He was never there for her. Never came to visit her when she was in school, in fact was against her going back to school for her bachelors. It was me who encouraged her to do this. I was the one that made the hour trip each way usually 3 times a week. Sometimes just to visit for a few hours. It was me who has been there for her through all the turmoil she's been through.

 

It was me who has bascially given her everything she's wanted. Been there financially, physically, emotionally. Yet, I don't even feel respected, and he's the noble one?

 

Then tell just that! Let her think that you're whining. You're not whining, my god, you're telling her HOW IT IS. She just can't or isn't willing to hear it! I can't believe how she's justifying her actions now - Or convincing herself that what she's doing is fine and dandy.

 

You know I thought of a way how I could end 'their' marriage. It wouldnt be hard because they have been fighting since I've ever known them. All I need to do is sign up on one of these 'Looking for sex/relationship' website, pretend I am her step-mom. Make up a fake email addy, find some guy, lead him on a little then give him their phone number and have him call when I know only he'll be home.

 

Yea I know it's bad. But that's what I feel like doing. They are interfering in my marriage maybe it's time to bite back.

 

Think it, don't ever act upon that.

 

Then I worry about the future in all of this. I told her yesterday that I wish I could 'wake you up', because she has been so negative about this marriage. Never looks at the good things between us. That she doesn't know what she really has. I told her that I'm constantly trying to make you happy in this marriage and I can't do that. That it takes both. To me that's immaturity and lack of respect for me. That's not showing love.

 

I just seem to be going in a circle here. In this past week I've lost 6 lbs. Sunday morning I had such stomache cramps that I couldn't move for awhile. Sat. night we went out briefly and it was first time I got drunk in years.

 

Maybe talk to your doctor about anti-depressants to help you cope. Just a suggestion.

 

OK, sorry JM to be harsh but maybe the wake up call she needs is a BIG REALITY CHECK that "JM can only take so much s*** thrown his way" and now you've said enough! Separate. I'm not saying to go do that, just something else to mull over ... I bet you may have thought that already - I don't know - But she is not going to slow down here, seems the pool thing is getting more and more.

 

Sadly, no matter what you try to do here, you're gonna get attitude from her. If I had a magic wand, I'd make it all better for you both. (Wow that sounds corny, but it's true! NOONE should have to go through this crazy stuff.)

[johnjohn]

She didn't like that & decided to try to climb out of the dining room window which is a 3-4 ft. drop.

 

 

Of course not!, you were stopping her "again" from doing what she wants to do, play pool, leave the house, same thing.

 

This is what I meant by not giving her a reason to go sobbing back to bf for a shoulder to cry on! , you know we just had a fight and had to leave blah blah sob sob " bf " here let me see that ankle blah blah blah.

 

LISTEN CAREFULLY

 

If your woman is doing this for a reason to leave the marriage then again there is NOTHING you can do about it and getting upset, pissed off, not letting her leave until she calms down and stomach cramps is the wrong way to go about it.

 

You my friend

 

are at the crossroads of If you love someone ,set them free if they dont return they were never yours to begin with.

 

You dont have to do things to upset her like get in touch with your ex's and start a cherry notting tounge competition but when shes playing pool go out on the town , get some mates together , get drunk happily, show her that maybee your not the one thats going to hang around anymore.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Maybe talk to your doctor about anti-depressants to help you cope. Just a suggestion.

 

Anti-depressants don't work for situational depression because it's not a chemical imbalance in your brain causing the depression. It's learned helplessness from a specific situation that has, through multiple methods of intervention, remained unchanged. Counseling is the preferred treatment for situation-specific depression.

 

If it was generalized dysthymia or clinical depression, a bit of SSRI would probably work. But IMO, he is depressed because of this specific situation.

[jmargel]

If you love someone ,set them free if they dont return they were never yours to begin with.

 

She mentioned that before but I don't know what she means by it. Set them free? Like seperation? That's usually something you would say to someone who you are about to end things with. However she tells me she's wants to stay in the marriage and doesn't want to leave. So WTF does this mean? Let her decide if she still has feelings for him? Bull****. She married me. I've asked her that before and she said she doesnt. That's why I am confused.

[tiki]

If you love someone - set them free and you're the idiot.

 

Then I won't blame them for not going back to ya.

 

-- tiki

[billybadass36]

I've been following this a while, and I have to ask: Jeff, why are you staying with this woman? Is it that you love her so much? How can you love someone that treats you this way? How can you love someone that would so casually cause you so much emotional distress? How can you love someone that doesn't want to be with you? Are you afraid of losing her? Are you afraid of being alone?

 

Whenever I'm in a failing relationship, the first thoughts that enter my head are:

 

I'll never find anyone better than her. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. This is as good as it gets. I can't do any better. There is nobody else out there for me.

 

If you're enduring all of this ill treatment because you're afraid of being alone - that you're afraid that she's "the best you can do", and that you'll never find someone else, then I'm afraid you know where this is going, and I'd advise you to start the rest of your life sooner rather than later.

 

If, however, you're enduring all of this because you truly love THIS woman, then I sincerely hope she snaps out of it. I'm skeptical, however, because she's never given you any indication that things will ever change. So, it's just a matter of whether or not THIS woman and THIS marriage is worth your enduring this sort of treatment for the rest of your life. Is it? You strike me as the sort of guy that this scenario will torment and wreak havok with your insides for as long as it continues. Don't let it.

 

I know that you married a VERY attractive woman. This is part of the problem. I think you're sold on the idea that you've found this perfect looking spouse who you want to turn into the perfect ACTING spouse. Ask yourself this - if she was unattractive and acting like this would you even think twice about being in a marriage with her? I think that you're sold on the idea that this is as good as you can do, and that you're afraid to actually take a step back and realize that, no - it's not. You can and will have a great marriage - I just don't think it's going to be with this woman.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am. I'm just throwing my two cents in, for what little they're worth.

[johnjohn]

If you love someone ,set them free if they dont return they were never yours to begin with.

 

She mentioned that before but I don't know what she means by it. Set them free? Like seperation?

 

 

No not seperation her freedom!

and of course she doesnt want to leave, you sound like a nice guy that has given her everything she wants.

 

 

 

Let her decide if she still has feelings for him? Bull****.

 

She IS the only one who can decide!!!

 

She married me.

 

This is you really sounding hurt and I know it sucks, well it sucked the life out of me but you cant let your emotions out of control.

 

If you "set her free" let her do her own thing , play pool dont get fussed if she comes home late then she will have no reason to leave the marriage.

 

On the other hand how about you go out with the guys, get drunk, do what you want to do.

 

IF ALL ELSE FAILS camly and "InControl" explain that her playing pool with her ex is just not on and she will have to decide if its worth your marriage.

 

When I came to the relization that my wife chose to get drunk rather than savve our marriage there is nothing more you can do but to set her free.

[jmargel]

No, it's because I do love her. My wife is extremely beautiful but I've dated beautiful women before and didn't blink an eye when I knew it wasn't going to work out. She was my best friend for a year before we became a couple. We have been there for each other for the past 3 years.

 

She isn't all bad either. She & I get along really good when we go out on dates as long as these kinda issues are not brought up. We can still make each other laugh and smile. We still curl upto each other when we goto bed and I can tell she is committed to me.

 

Yes, I am afraid of losing her as anyone would given the circumstances. My concern is her dad & step-mom constantly putting me down in their own little way to encourage Brandy to seek other alternatives. They are the last people who should be giving her advice, but she has no one else to goto.

 

I've been through alot with her, but if it was all bad I wouldn't be here with my problems. I would have left a long time ago. It upsets me also because with her working & all we don't get to do much together. In terms of having a common hobby. We do like the same things but now with this pool thing & everything else going on, the only hobby she has, involves her ex.

 

Part of me likes that she's a free spirit, my ex would never let me do anything. She's the opposite. However she takes it too far at times. It just hurts because I feel like she's leaving me out & including someone who shouldn't be into a part of her life.

[Artifact]

jmargel,

I was following at the beginning, then parts in the middle and end, but I have to say even from this bit of information I can see the problem REALLY lies with Brandy and her father. Both are hindering the chance for your relationship as husband and wife to grow stronger. She is avoiding coming home, and her dad is encouraging her to stay out.

Her dad's motives are not just to 'get to know her better' either. You have made it obvious to us that Brandy's father does not approve of you. And, she is putting his feelings before yours. (Not to mention everything you promised each other in your vows)

I hope that some kind of understanding of and coping with the past will help Brandy to see what kind of (non) relationship she is building.

I don't really know what else to say, but keep trying if you want. It would be great if one day you signed on and wrote to tell us she agreed to go to counseling for herself, and work together on your relationship. There is no reason that in a healthy relationship she couldn't be on a pool team or spend time with her dad... but it doesn't have to be her excuse for separation and liberation, or whatever she is craving.

Artifact