Breakup and Divorces recommended too Much

[central]

Sure, there's situations that just will NOT work, but the majority DO survive.

 

Who wants to just survive? Many who move on, THRIVE.

 

I ended my first marriage, but I did try everything for years to fix it. Obviously, nothing worked to make it worth staying. Leaving was the best option, and in retrospect, I should have left far sooner with far less time and effort wasted. I was barely surviving, and now - in a new relationship - I'm thriving.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Who wants to just survive? Many who move on, THRIVE.

 

I ended my first marriage, but I did try everything for years to fix it. Obviously, nothing worked to make it worth staying. Leaving was the best option, and in retrospect, I should have left far sooner with far less time and effort wasted. I was barely surviving, and now - in a new relationship - I'm thriving.

 

Amen! Ditto.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and i am happy for those of you you made the right choice for yourselves ....divorced...and are now happy.

 

That's what we like to hear...that folks are living happy lives after infidelity.

[autumnnight]

The main reason I stayed in my marriage as long as I did, I am ashamed to say, if because of what I knew others would think. Granted, some of those others were important: parents, church, etc. Many of them weren't. In the end, my kids, while sad, were glad that the tension, conflict, and illusion was over. And while there will always be people who consider my choice "wrong," I do not have to live with them, and I know I made the right choice.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I honestly do not see how ANYONE can judge whether or not someone else made the right or wrong decision when it comes to divorce or reconciliation.

 

To judge someone else's choice simply show the ignorance of the person doing the judging.

 

You cannot possibly tell another person what is right for them...you just can't.

 

Whether in our own families or our neighbors or on a forum....the best you can do is be supportive in the decision they have made....and perhaps offer some advice regarding their decision...

 

But i have seen some hard core chumplady fans here....who believe the bottom line is ALWAYS divorce...and then they spew terrible adjectives about waywards as if they are all cut from the same cloth....which is as ridiculous and stating that all betrayed are cut from the same cloth. They aren't....and while divorce may be cut and dried to some...it isn't to many. On the other hand i have also seen folks who believe strongly in reconciliation attack those who believe divorce is the only answer.

 

John and I have been at the receiving end of many posts where he was advised to divorce me....thirty years after living in reconciliation. Divorce was not an option for him...it was not what he wanted.

 

So my point is....sometimes what we may think is right....really has no bearing on someone else....and i hope we can all be open minded enough to just be supportive whatever the answer for someone else may be.

[Spectre]

I used to believe marriage forever no exceptions.

 

It makes me deeply sad that I no longer do. But....I've just lived to much and observed too much.

 

The issue for me is marriage seems to largely be a joke these days. The divorce rate is so high not because of cheating, but because people tend to get married far too early these days. The era of marrying your high school sweetheart is over. Not to say that can never happen, mind you, it's just increasingly more rare.

 

Some people think that merely being with a person for a year or two can allow you to successfully determine if you are compatible for life. They get married before the high of the relationship has 100% worn off and then once it does wear off they have already gone through with it and end up just getting divorced. If you know the celebrity Kaley Cuoco I remember a few years ago she got married to some dude after 3 months of dating. I said to myself "wow, that will last a few years max" and here we are a few years later and I just saw they are getting divorced.

 

For me I think a person shouldn't get married until their late 20's and only to someone they have been with for at least 5 years. I'd take it one step further and also suggest couples counseling at least twice a year for the first decade of the marriage..even if everything is going fine I feel opening up the lines of communication like that could keep everything going fine. I think people need to treat a marriage like they'd treat their teeth. You work on them everyday by brushing, but twice a year you still go have a professional give you his opinion on their condition.

[ShatteredLady]

The OPs question was why "WE" at LS seem to recommend divorce. I'm pretty new so I can only go by what I've read so far...

 

I think it's because many (if not most) people come here with very big problems when they've reached the end of their rope AND most of the posting members have their own issues from their experiences. We all have our own baggage.

 

There are always most people reading this forum & infidelity. If this was a "Happy Marriage" forum there would be different members with different advise I think.

[autumnnight]

I think people need to treat a marriage like they'd treat their teeth. You work on them everyday by brushing, but twice a year you still go have a professional give you his opinion on their condition.

 

I love this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

well in my family....my great grandmother got married at 14, my grandmother got married at 14, my mother got married at 14 and my parents have been married 61 years, and I got married at 17.....8 months to the day after i met my husband at church....and while we have certainly had our troubles...we have been married 43 years.......

 

I would disagree that people are marrying too young nowadays....i dont think it has a damn thing to do with the divorce rate.

 

I think we have become a disposable society. When i was a young girl we used cloth diapers, when something broke daddy fixed it.....

 

Now we throw everything away....if it breaks we get a new one....and unfortunately this includes marriages.

 

People marry now with the intellect that if it doesn't work out we get a divorce....in my day....we worked at repairing the marriage...divorce was harder to get.

[mrldii]

...divorce was harder to get.

 

This is it, in a nutshell.

 

There is no longer a social stigma around being divorced; there is no longer a financial reason to stay married, as women are in the work force as much as men. Back in the day, a man who didn't get married by a certain age caused raised eyebrows, as he might be "a little light in the loafers". Women *only* went to college to major in Husband-Hunting 101.

 

Marriages that survive nowadays are a real testament, as - sad to say - there's not much other than the love for one another and a desire TO be together to *make* it last.

 

 

 

Yes, sometimes I do prefer to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty.

[central]

Marriages that survive nowadays are a real testament, as - sad to say - there's not much other than the love for one another and a desire TO be together to *make* it last.

 

I agree with this. The old mandates of marriage don't always apply any longer.

 

The ONLY reason we are together is because we WANT to be - not because we have to be, or are expected to be, can't afford not to be, or don't have other options. We WANT to be together because we are in love with each other, and we work to maintain that every day. Every day is a choice to be together.

[mrldii]

I agree with this. The old mandates of marriage don't always apply any longer.

 

The ONLY reason we are together is because we WANT to be - not because we have to be, or are expected to be, can't afford not to be, or don't have other options. We WANT to be together because we are in love with each other, and we work to maintain that every day. Every day is a choice to be together.

 

I envy you. That is exactly the way I would want it to be.

 

Congrats!!!

[OldRover]

I thought the purpose of this post was to discuss why the recommendation of so many members responding to posts about troubled marriages is to bail instead of working things out NOT a discussion about the demise of marriages in general. Which one do you want to talk about?

 

 

And how do you know the "majority" DO survive? Where did you get that information? What constitutes survival in your book? Is it just because a couple stays married?? What about happiness and trust and respect and effort?

 

I wholeheartedly agree with S2B; having been married myself for 20 years and now divorced, it's more important to be happy than married.

 

MICHELLE,

 

I prefer to talk about the subject, not the demise of marriage.

 

Do a search and check several sites... the stats are in the ~70% range that survive infidelity, certainly a majority... if you want sats for different reasons, search them and find out for yourself.

 

Oh I believe it's more important to be happy. However, there's a lot of folks here that just say "leave him/her", not work on it.

 

If a couple was happy once, chances are they can be happy again. Especially if they work at it. Seems like too often people will quit way too soon.

 

I'm not for or against marriage.... just observations.

[toolforgrowth]

'Staying is the new shame,' according to the TED talks. I think they're right.

 

I personally agree with this.

 

Divorce is recommended because behaviors that a majority of people would consider unforgivable are becoming far more prevalent. Add a dash of no fault divorce (it doesn't matter if your husband banged your sister or your wife rode her boss), and you get today's current climate.

 

I absolutely refuse to marry again. The entire institution means nothing. And if you're a guy, expect to pay dearly to get your freedom back. But one can't put a price tag on getting a cheater out of one's life.

 

If one cheats on me, they no longer have anything to offer me. They may have something to offer someone else, though. In which case in more than happy to let them go find out.

[redtail]

If one cheats on me, they no longer have anything to offer me. They may have something to offer someone else, though. In which case in more than happy to let them go find out.

Truth!

 

Life is too short to live under an illusion with someone who is untrustworthy. I used to think there was shame in divorce, not anymore.

[minimariah]

Does anyone believe in problem solving and putting the relationship back together?

 

of course but infidelity is a problem that, realistically, cannot be solved in 95% of all situations. everything else is just wishful thinking. many people should have never end up together in the first place so there is that.

 

just my opinion, of course.

[toolforgrowth]

many people should have never end up together in the first place so there is that.

 

This right here. As a culture we tend to enter into relationships based on incorrect priorities and inaccurate assumptions. This leads to a large group of people coupling and reproducing who have no business coupling and reproducing.

[S2B]

MICHELLE,

 

I prefer to talk about the subject, not the demise of marriage.

 

Do a search and check several sites... the stats are in the ~70% range that survive infidelity, certainly a majority... if you want sats for different reasons, search them and find out for yourself.

 

Oh I believe it's more important to be happy. However, there's a lot of folks here that just say "leave him/her", not work on it.

 

If a couple was happy once, chances are they can be happy again. Especially if they work at it. Seems like too often people will quit way too soon.

 

I'm not for or against marriage.... just observations.

 

Then I'm left wondering why you encouraged the poster to stay married to her completely controlling and abusive husband?

 

I will never encourage anyone to stay and betray themselves by living with abuse.

 

If you call that a successful marriage then we don't agree on the reason(s) for success...and what that may look like.

 

Staying and sacrificing self completely is not a win. It costs the one abused their soul.

[jmiller1991]

Yep, OP, you are right. I've noticed this too. In fact, I just asked for advice here on my relationship in which there was cheating on both sides - physical on my part, emotional on his - and the very first response was to leave him! And even after I made it clear that otherwise it was a perfect relationship and it's a very long-term (7 yrs) one.

 

I can't imagine throwing away a good relationship so quickly, based on just ONE or TWO events, and I can only pray that most people are just plain wrong on this.

[minimariah]

This right here. As a culture we tend to enter into relationships based on incorrect priorities and inaccurate assumptions. This leads to a large group of people coupling and reproducing who have no business coupling and reproducing.

 

^^

 

and many people don't really know what a healthy relationship should look like. it's fascinating how long some insist on fixing and staying something that is fundamentally screwed.

[OldRover]

Then I'm left wondering why you encouraged the poster to stay married to her completely controlling and abusive husband?

 

I will never encourage anyone to stay and betray themselves by living with abuse.

 

If you call that a successful marriage then we don't agree on the reason(s) for success...and what that may look like.

 

Staying and sacrificing self completely is not a win. It costs the one abused their soul.

 

S2B,

 

First I didn't encouraged any poster to stay married forever, especially in an abusive relationship, just long enough to be SURE what they want to do. There will be sacrifices from both sides, it's part of marriage, and if it's just too one sided or too much, then I'd argue to solve it... or at least attempt to solve it.

 

Didn't you ever wonder what the person was like on the day they married... and probably for a good while afterwards? It was probably great, so then the questions should be "what went wrong"?

 

If a person is totally spring loaded to just bail out the first time they have problems, they probably failed marriage basics, which they should have known prior to getting married.

 

In today's society, the effort of staying together and the work that one must do to stay happily married have just gone out the window. Just look at the statistics, across the board, 40 to 50% of first time marriages end in divorce. We live in a throwaway society and it's too bad a lot of people feel this way about marriage. And it's clear that several posters here feel the same way. I don't.

 

There's no reason to stay in an abusive relationship, but there's also no reason NOT to try to fix it first.

 

If you've given it all you can, then you have reason to bail.

[autumnnight]

No one who is being abused needs to "give it all they can." Emotional abuse and controlling behavior can turn physical in a nanosecond, and it only take one rage to kill or seriously injure someone.

 

It is completely irresponsible to ever encourage an abused spouse to stay just because he/she was nice on their wedding day.

[OldRover]

^^

 

and many people don't really know what a healthy relationship should look like. it's fascinating how long some insist on fixing and staying something that is fundamentally screwed.

 

 

Good point, and a good reason for education BEFORE one marries... or even before one dates. They've been teaching that for over 40 years in the high schools, churches, and other places. It should be a requirement to pass the final.

[S2B]

IF both parties are willing to communicate and change and compromise sure it's useful to try and fix what is broken.

 

But what doesn't work is:

 

Abuse (unless complete change is obtained quickly)

Cheating ( unless the cheater is willing to do the work to change)

Power and control (overpowering and over controlling)

 

When one person does all the sacrifice and gives up all their power it's never going to look healthy.

 

When only one person is making effort to change its never going to get better.

 

 

I don't condone sacrificing self completely to be at the mercy of another and forfeiting ones self respect.

 

That's a boundary that will always look unhealthy/out of balance.

[GunslingerRoland]

Normally I usually tell people to fight for their relationships... that said there are a lot of pretty extreme cases on here, so I find myself telling people to walk away more often than I would typically...

 

I am a firm believer that if you get married it should be for the reason that you plan to be together forever. No marriage is 100% easy and they all need to be fought for. But at the end of the day it takes 2 people to fight for that marriage, and there are a lot of posts on here from people where 1 person has clearly already given up on doing anything to fight for the marriage and the second person is at their wits end.