katiegrl Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) I don't agree that it's a rejection -- Oh, it is and she felt it and mentioned it. That is the catalyst for this thread, not the looks thing. He is criticizing/questioning her judgement. Jasmine said his comments were "off-putting". Is that the same as feeling rejected? I dunno, let's ask Jasmine. Jasmine, do you (did you) feel rejected when he said he thought you could do better? Maybe he was just having a bad day, feeling low, slightly ambivalent. I mean, you said since then, he's been acting flirty and confident, right? Chalk it up to a bad day (we all have them), keep observing and see where it goes.... That is what I would do FWIW. Edited October 1, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Sorry I disagree. I ask why someone got divorced on date 1 or 2. No need to do an inquisition like someone said, but you can tell a lot about a person by the answer sometimes. If he hates his ex, bad mouths that she was only interested in money and such... says more about the guy than the woman he was married to. Of course some women are really interested in money, but just to hear how he thinks about the relationship can reveal a lot. No, it is way too soon for that kind of thing. Just sit back and be objective for yourself. This is simply a point of being educated so that if the kinds of things that I've mentioned start happening, you'll understand that it's time to move on instead of wondering or trying to fix it or thinking you're doing anything wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Jasmine said his comments were "off-putting". Is that the same as feeling rejected? I dunno, let's ask Jasmine. Jasmine, do you (did you) feel rejected when he said he thought you could do better? Maybe he was just having a bad day, feeling low, slightly ambivalent. I mean, you said since then, he's been acting flirty and confident, right? Chalk it up to a bad day (we all have them), keep observing and see where it goes.... That is what I would do FWIW. It makes me feel pretty anxious. And honestly it makes me start to slightly doubt him as a person when he says this stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) Sorry I disagree. I ask why someone got divorced on date 1 or 2. No need to do an inquisition like someone said, but you can tell a lot about a person by the answer sometimes. If he hates his ex, bad mouths that she was only interested in money and such... says more about the guy than the woman he was married to. Of course some women are really interested in money, but just to hear how he thinks about the relationship can reveal a lot. I am the same, and it's never been a huge deal. The men I have dated have never had a problem answering.... to the contrary, seemed pleased that I cared enough to ask. My current is divorced ..and boy did I get a mouthful when I asked him lol ....but it was good info, knowledge is power! So Jasmine IMO go ahead and ask... No need to be walking on eggshells wondering ...should I ask this ....should I not ask that ....you will drive yourself crazy! Be yourself, be genuine, if you are wondering about something, ask. It's called getting to know each other, building intimacy. Always worked for me anyway... ... Edited October 1, 2015 by katiegrl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Sorry I disagree. I ask why someone got divorced on date 1 or 2. No need to do an inquisition like someone said, but you can tell a lot about a person by the answer sometimes. If he hates his ex, bad mouths that she was only interested in money and such... says more about the guy than the woman he was married to. Of course some women are really interested in money, but just to hear how he thinks about the relationship can reveal a lot. I agree someone should go into it at some point, but that's kinda heavy for a first or second date. You want to keep things light and fun at that point. If the conversation happens to go there because he went into it, however, and does bash the exes, etc., that's great for you to know. But I wouldn't ask myself. I wouldn't tell them my stuff either. It's none of their business at that point. You never hear both sides of those stories. You really don't know if he is "justified" in hating an ex or not. So if you hear all that and dismiss him, you haven't been objective. And, it's not that they say they don't like their ex once, its if they do it over and over or outright bash the hell out of them that is a flag. Passively stating that, isn't a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 I am the same, and it's never been a huge deal. The men I have dated have never had a problem answering.... to the contrary, seemed pleased that I cared enough to ask. My current is divorced ..and boy did I get a mouthful when I asked him lol ....but it was good info, knowledge is power! So Jasmine IMO go ahead and ask... No need to be walking on eggshells wondering ...should I ask this ....should I not ask that ....you will drive yourself crazy! Be yourself, be genuine, if you are wondering about something, ask. It's called getting to know each other, building intimacy. Always worked for me anyway... ... I'll ask him at the weekend! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Jasmine how long have you been dating him? How many dates? If you mentioned this already, I apologize...missed it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 I went on a few dates once with a man who was divorced and had a daughter. He seemed lovely and gentle. On the 3rd date I asked him about his ex wife. He told me that he and his daughter refer to her as The Bitch. He encouraged his own daughter to refer to her mother as The Bitch:o:eek: He also claimed that his ex had been after him for his money and that she'd slept with most of his friends. I think I sat there speechless for several minutes. I never saw him again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Jasmine how long have you been dating him? How many dates? If you mentioned this already, I apologize...missed it. 7 weeks. 12 dates. So it is early days still. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 OP, the question I was asked by a couple of ladies, since my profile had shared that I was married and separated pending divorce, was 'how did you feel about being married?' and 'how is you divorce going?'. These kinds of questions were probably relevant to age, since we were all around 50 and the ladies had all been married and divorced at least once so had their own experiences with that milieu and weren't reticent in discussing them. Anyway, if asking questions, I'd suggest open ended ones like 'how do you feel about xxxx' and 'Why' and similar. Since the man is apparently vacillating a bit in the confidence area, you could write this off to flashbacks on his last relationship or ask him about it. If you're interested in a LTR, then balancing such compatibility interactions with the 'fun' stuff of dating is part and parcel of getting to know someone. However, if these dynamics weigh on your mind sufficiently to take away from the overall positives of wanting to show up for more dating, don't ignore that. In essence, think less and feel more. Either it will work out or it won't. Time will tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 7 weeks. 12 dates. So it is early days still. For some reason I though it had been fewer dates. Nah, it's ok to delve a little now. Have you been intimate with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) I'll ask him at the weekend! Fab! Be yourself, be genuine, the worst thing you can do is start monitoring yourself ...being fearful of asking/saying/doing the "wrong" thing. When you are genuine, there is no *wrong* thing. I have never been afraid to ask the hard questions early on ...while still maintaining a light, fun and breezy attitude. The more knowledge and info you have, the better to determine if he is the right man for you! Edited October 1, 2015 by katiegrl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 For some reason I though it had been fewer dates. Nah, it's ok to delve a little now. Have you been intimate with him? No, not yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Fab! Be yourself, be genuine, the worst thing you can do is start monitoring yourself ...being fearful of asking/saying/doing the "wrong" thing. When you are genuine, there is no *wrong* thing. I have never been afraid to ask the hard questions early on ...while still maintaining a light, fun and breezy attitude. The more knowledge and info you have, the better to determine if he is the right man for you! It will be good to have that conversation, I think. Maybe he is still in love with her though. I'm sure I saw photos of her on his Facebook. But I just looked again and those photos seem to have disappeared. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I am starting to really care for him. It is early days in the relationship. His lack of confidence does put me off though and the fact that more than once he has said I am 'out of his league' feels like a turn off. I do understand the feeling you convey when the partner hints at a lack of confidence... but, in this case, the more intelligent the two of you are, the more matter-of-fact his observation can be seen as being. When you step back from your own heart, and just view millions of other couples... the overwhelming majority of those couples are comprised of two individuals who ARE reasonably near to one another on the frat boy scale. So there again... I think that the more you have going for you upstairs, the better chance you have of making this go, between the two of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 When you are genuine, there is no *wrong* thing. Not to go O/T, but this is some good dating advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 IMO, theres a difference between healthily acknowledging that you have done well, and feeling shameful or anxious about it. My 9/10 friend's 7/10 boyfriend isn't insecure. While he acknowledges that she's better looking than him by societal standards. My boyfriend thinks I am stunning. He thinks I am the type if woman that lots of guys check out. And he's right. But I am not a 9/10 and he isn't insecure, either. Something is amiss. My own boyfriend and my friends boyfriend both think we are attractive to other men yet they don't feel..... Bad about that. They are secure in our love for them. I dated a guy a few months back. He was better looking than me in my opinion. I felt really insecure at first. It sabotaged the relationship. So I of know what he's going through to some extent....... However, if he ended up being the right guy for me, I'd definitely drop the insecurities since he'd have been consistently showing me thst he's crazy about me. The OPS guy isn't dropping his insecurity despite her showing that she's investing four months into him...... Perhaps therapy would benefit him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 IMO, theres a difference between healthily acknowledging that you have done well, and feeling shameful or anxious about it. My 9/10 friend's 7/10 boyfriend isn't insecure. While he acknowledges that she's better looking than him by societal standards. My boyfriend thinks I am stunning. He thinks I am the type if woman that lots of guys check out. And he's right. But I am not a 9/10 and he isn't insecure, either. Something is amiss. My own boyfriend and my friends boyfriend both think we are attractive to other men yet they don't feel..... Bad about that. They are secure in our love for them. I dated a guy a few months back. He was better looking than me in my opinion. I felt really insecure at first. It sabotaged the relationship. So I of know what he's going through to some extent....... However, if he ended up being the right guy for me, I'd definitely drop the insecurities since he'd have been consistently showing me thst he's crazy about me. The OPS guy isn't dropping his insecurity despite her showing that she's investing four months into him...... Perhaps therapy would benefit him. It's not so easy to just drop one's insecurities on demand Link to post Share on other sites
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