Ami1uwant Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 People with this mindset are often difficult to have an emotional connection with. Their self-esteem is very low. They don't like themselves and will always question. You will likely find yourself "bolstering" him often and dealing with insecurity as the relationship "develops" and the development of it will be very slow if at all. And, basically, they are saying that if you want a guy like me, there's something wrong with you too. WTF !!!! he is so eone who understands he isn't the hottest guy out there but he still has c9nfidence. Him asking her why is she with him us a very fair question. If he is in a career field with a high income potential then you really need to watch gor gold diggers. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 No, I am not "better". I am just generally viewed as quite a lot more physically attractive. That is not the same thing as being "better." Ted Bundy was good looking! I agree...and that's why I used 'better'; it was a nod to what you'd indicated he'd said...[that based on looks/physical shape,] "you can do better than me". I agree; looks and one's physical shape has very little to do with our rankings as individuals. But, since he's already verbalized it, it is obviously a concern of his. If it's a serious concern, over time, he'll probably find it easier to 'drag you down', rather than to put in the necessary work to 'pull himself up'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I do agree that it is not your job to become his confidence. Having someone use you as proof of their worth and reassurance of their value is draining. I'm sorry he had a rough childhood (so did I - you should see my 6th grade picture), but you are not obligated to be his emotional boost just because he got picked last for kickball. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 WTF !!!! he is so eone who understands he isn't the hottest guy out there but he still has c9nfidence. Him asking her why is she with him us a very fair question. If he is in a career field with a high income potential then you really need to watch gor gold diggers. That is not the usual intent of that question. It could be, but not likely. That is a very common statement/question for guys with low esteem. It is very often a "sabotage" attempt. And, it worked, she was put off by it. I'm simply pointing out what this kind of statement is "usually" about. It's up to her to observe and make the determination for herself what's going on with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ijustdon'tgetit Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 My now SO said some of the same things the OP mentioned, such as questioning why someone like me would be interested in him. He dumped me within a year of dating for many of those reasons, among others. We've recently reconciled and he told me he didn't realize I loved him this much. But I reassured him all the time. He's much more confident now but it goes to show how these insecurities can ruin a relationship.. My question to everyone is does a person who gets interest from someone who they deem as too good for them just settle, due to this thinking? Even though they wouldn't actually be interested if they had more confidence. For example, I was watching "The Wedding Ringer" and the main character is getting married to a woman who he thinks is popular and "above him", so to speak. When asked why he wants to marry her and love her, he said it's because basically she talked to him and that's it. So, in the end he realized they both were marryng for the wrong reasons.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 WTF !!!! he is so eone who understands he isn't the hottest guy out there but he still has c9nfidence. Him asking her why is she with him us a very fair question. If he is in a career field with a high income potential then you really need to watch gor gold diggers. Neither of us are in fields that have especially high income potential. We probably earn approximately the same amount of money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 I agree...and that's why I used 'better'; it was a nod to what you'd indicated he'd said...[that based on looks/physical shape,] "you can do better than me". I agree; looks and one's physical shape has very little to do with our rankings as individuals. But, since he's already verbalized it, it is obviously a concern of his. If it's a serious concern, over time, he'll probably find it easier to 'drag you down', rather than to put in the necessary work to 'pull himself up'. I get you. It would be naive to pretend that society doesn't place a lot of value (too much) on looks, especially women's looks. You can even become a famous singer without being able to sing properly as long as you are pretty:D But if he didn't feel comfortable being with me I don't understand why he even bothered to pursue me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 We just talked on the phone and suddenly he is being really confident and flirtatious. The self doubt seems to have gone away, at least for now. I find it so sexy when he is like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hudson701 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Are you a troll or something? Because I'm a 8/9 male, and I sure as **** can't land myself a female 9 so something is suspect here.... How does a 4m land a 9f in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Are you a troll or something? Because I'm a 8/9 male, and I sure as **** can't land myself a female 9 so something is suspect here.... How does a 4m land a 9f in the first place? Ask Donald Trump 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I am an ex fashion model, now in my 30s Now this is making more sense. If you're in your 30's, you're not a 9. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Now this is making more sense. If you're in your 30's, you're not a 9. Really? Wow. Look at Penelope Cruz. She's 41. Look at Minka Kelly. She's 35. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 The '4' is based purely on physical attributes. In my eyes he is a '9'. Fair enough, but still a bit weird to me. If I were number label a guy I found adorable and sexy, I would label him a 8 or 9 (in MY eyes). Who gives a flying fig how "others" see him.? I certainly don't.... it wouldn't even occur to me to label him how "others" see him. It's all subjective. One person's 4 is another person's 9. But whatevs, to each his own. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Now this is making more sense. If you're in your 30's, you're not a 9. Tell that to Beyonce and Mila Kunis ;-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Are you a troll or something? Because I'm a 8/9 male, and I sure as **** can't land myself a female 9 so something is suspect here.... How does a 4m land a 9f in the first place? Happens all the time. Go to a bar in LA... Link to post Share on other sites
hudson701 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Donald trump? You mean his vast sums of money? Is that what your man has? Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Wow. I didn't like the title either but your posts explained it perfectly. People are being ridiculous in response. I've said the same thing to my boyfriend who is far more physically attractive than I am, and his reassuring that he found me sexy in my own right and that he adores me helped me cut it back. It does fade in confidence in the relationship grows. We live in an appearance centric society. Those of us who aren't conventionally gorgeous know this well, and we do assign a shallow value to looks that might not be our own but reflects how we know society at large views us. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) Tell that to Beyonce and Mila Kunis ;-) Okay you are sounding a bit full of yourself here...jmo. And by the way, I used to model too (in New York).... still do some locally, and I do not assume everyone (or even most people) are gonna see me as a 9. My boyfriend (fiancé) does, in fact HE sees me as a 20! But everyone (or most people)? I am sure there are some who see me as a 6. It's ALL subjective. Just sayin. Edited September 30, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 A woman who judges herself as unattractive is going to be judged as needy and pathetic. A woman who judges herself as highly attractive will have to be put down to her proper place for not undervaluing herself. ... Without any idea of what she actually looks like even. .... Hmm. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Wow. I didn't like the title either but your posts explained it perfectly. People are being ridiculous in response. I've said the same thing to my boyfriend who is far more physically attractive than I am, and his reassuring that he found me sexy in my own right and that he adores me helped me cut it back. It does fade in confidence in the relationship grows. We live in an appearance centric society. Those of us who aren't conventionally gorgeous know this well, and we do assign a shallow value to looks that might not be our own but reflects how we know society at large views us. Yes they are! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Wow. I didn't like the title either but your posts explained it perfectly. People are being ridiculous in response. I've said the same thing to my boyfriend who is far more physically attractive than I am, and his reassuring that he found me sexy in my own right and that he adores me helped me cut it back. It does fade in confidence in the relationship grows. We live in an appearance centric society. Those of us who aren't conventionally gorgeous know this well, and we do assign a shallow value to looks that might not be our own but reflects how we know society at large views us. Have you reached a point now where you feel completely confident in your relationship? xx Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I have dated very attractive to not attractive and average somewhere in between. When I was 19 I had a BF that was way below my scale of appearance. I was with him for 5 years. People questioned it more than he did lol. A lot of the confidence (IMO) has to come from you and what you tell him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I don't think it's really strange. It's no different from somebody titling a thread 'I'm 5'11 and my bf is 5'5' or 'I'm 25 and my bf is 65.' It's just to give really quick background relevant to the question. Well the difference is that things like height and age are objective -- you're either 25 or you're not -- but attractiveness is so subjective. And you could have titled the thread something like "Bf thinks I am more attractive than he is," which would have made the same point but with a much different emphasis. That you assigned such a high number to yourself and such a low one to him made me cringe. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Well the difference is that things like height and age are objective -- you're either 25 or you're not -- but attractiveness is so subjective. This ^^^^^^ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 No, it's not going to work out. Not because you're better looking than him but because you are bold enough to call yourself a 9 and him a 4. Clearly you think you're better than him and believe that you can (or should) be doing better than him. Not sure when people started basing love decisions on the cumulative value of their SO but it's disgusting. Get someone who you're attracted to and treats you right and be content. Such a cold world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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