when they want you back... how do you deal?

[turnera]

Over a couple months.

 

Fear caused the breakup. Both of us have or had huge abandonment issues.

 

Do I think she has changed? I do. But that does not mean that I don't think she will change back. That is why I am thinking about something drastic having to happen before I might go forward.

 

Do I think there is a future? Absolutely.

People don't change. Least of all in a couple of months. Changes takes dedicated WORK, long-term work with a therapist, and a willingness to change.

 

Haven't seen any of that in her, have you?

[Popsicle]

I agree with Oregon Dude. I would never go back with someone who dumped me. I wouldn't even stay friends with them. Too much has/had happened.

Edited October 1, 2015 by Popsicle

[bluefeather]

You don't understand. By telling her you will see her only once a month, you are testing her. If she just wants an easy way back, she won't get it. She can only see you once a month. In public. (in other words, she can't SEX you back)

 

Odds are, that is NOT what she wants. She wants an easy landing spot. And once she sees you won't just give it up and let her sex you back as her Plan B, most likely she'll just disappear.

 

In other words, she has to earn you back. If she won't do the work, then you don't want her.

 

Maybe I'm still not understanding what you are saying, because that sounds childish. I won't waste my time seeing anyone once a month for a test. That would actually be more work for me. As to what you said about change, I agree. That is exactly why I said, "But that does not mean that I don't think she will change back." In other words, she changed. But that could be temporary. Same thing, just different wording.

 

 

I agree with Oregon Dude. I would never go back with someone who dumped me. I wouldn't even stay friends with them. Too much has/had happened.

 

You would never get back with someone after a breakup? Ever? Wouldn't that be like saying relationships should be perfect..? I know couples that broke up, got back together, and went on to have happy lives together. In those breakups it was always someone who dumped someone else.

[Quintessence]

I have to join Oregon Dude’s club of jealous LS members. That said, a big part of me is also happy for you, truly.

Even if this does not work out for you in the end, you’ll always have this moment to reflect on – the moment when the balance of power shifted in your favour. Never forget it! Draw strength from it and prosper. It’s clear that you have gained back a lot of your confidence and stability, so now add this to that; draw strength from it. You are valuable and you don’t need your ex to tell you that. But guess what? You’re still valuable to her too! So beside yourself and so many others in this world who realize your true worth, there is one more person who also values you – your ex.

 

At the same time I realize that things are not as green as they might appear to us who are reading your thread. You’re conflicted, wondering what to do and how to do it. I can’t give you advice there, because only you know your ex. The recipe for success in this type of situations will very much depend on what kind of person your ex is. Setting terms and boundaries is good, but we all have our limits, and so does your ex. Only you know how far your ex can bend before breaking, and only you know what you should and should not expect of her. This is precisely why I won’t tell you how high to set your terms. Even so, in your mind draw the lines – this far and no further! You probably know your ex very well, but you know yourself even better, especially now after the breakup. In fact, I bet that now you know yourself better than ever before – you know what is acceptable and what is not. The price you paid for that knowledge was high (that horrible pain of losing someone). All of us have paid the same toll.

 

However, what I can tell you and what I suspect you already know, is never to make your ex (or any other girl) the centre of your world. If your life is a mosaic, make this girl just one piece in that wonderful mosaic. Let her complement you, let her add beauty to your mosaic, but never let her define who you are. Never forget all the other pieces your mosaic is made of and never allow the piece that is her to expand too much and claim most of the mosaic, no matter how long you two are together. The power you’ve gained back – never relinquish it. Guard it fiercely. As cold as this may sound, the only person you can rely on 100% is the one you see every morning when you look into the mirror; it’s just the kind of world we live in. By all means, love the one you’re with, protect her, lean on her and let her lean on you, but never make her the centre of your world.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck. We are rooting for you champ!

[mmmike]

Alright, I'm gonna help you out right now. Just know that I'm pretty jealous of your situation, confused or not.

 

Since she has expressed her desire to have you back, your ego should be SOARING right now. You were hurt, all you wanted was to have her back; now she has expressed that she f*cked up, and you were right the entire time. You WIN. This is why I'm jealous; she has confirmed that you are miss-able, that she has been thinking non-stop about you and that you are valuable. We should all be so lucky on this board. You are in a huge position of power.

 

However, you can't trust her anymore. You can never trust her again. So here is what you do with that power.

 

You tell her, "Thank you for being open and honest with me. I know that you are sincere in the things you are saying. However, I am healing from this breakup, and being in contact with you and starting a r/s with you again is not going to work for me. I want to move forward. So please don't contact me again. I will contact you in the future when I am ready for a friendship. Take care."

 

Then go NC for like a year or two.

 

You win, dude. Don't f*ck this up by giving her another chance. Your position is highly, highly enviable.

 

I'm sorry, this is the worst advice. Plenty of people have gotten back together. Do what YOU want to do. Either try dating her or don't. Good luck.

[mmmike]

I had a thought earlier. I'm crying every day, barely eating, making myself sick over the ending of a relationship. I feel devastated. But I'm not the one who ended it, he did. He made the choice to throw away what I thought was the BE ALL END ALL for both of us. He will regret it. He has to live with knowing he messed it all up. And when that day comes and he wants me back, it may be too late. But it's his risk because he gave up on us, not me. That realization brings me some comfort in a weird way, unfortunately I'm still going to cry and miss him like hell for awhile.

 

You sound in denial hoping he feels regret. I have been there with my ex hoping that they cared. the fact is YOUR EX IS GONE. Move on and heal yourself. Every day i am getting stronger and leaving my past behind me. Don't look back unless they come after you begging, but by then it is always too late (well usually but stranger stuff has happened). good luck

[Popsicle]

You would never get back with someone after a breakup? Ever? Wouldn't that be like saying relationships should be perfect..? I know couples that broke up, got back together, and went on to have happy lives together. In those breakups it was always someone who dumped someone else.

 

No, I would not ever. If I dumped him then I have given it LOTS of thought (probably months or years) and it's very unlikely I'll change my mind by that point. If he dumped me, then there was a reason and I could never trust or believe him again. At the very least, I would consider him emotionally careless, and I don't want to deal with that.

[Popsicle]

But if you want to get back together with her, get back together with her. It's your life and you don't need anyone's approval. This topic can be debated ad nauseam. Everyone is different. The same debate is going on in two different other places on this forum right now with the same polarized views.

[thora-tiki]

What the fu*k!

 

Ok, let’s see if I read this correctly:

she broke up with you a few months ago, now she wants you back.

 

Hmmmm.

 

And in those months she wants us/you to believe that she:

worked on her borderline issues, worked on herself, worked on her abandonment issues, exercised,

written a pros and cons list over your dead relationship, laughed, cried,

read a lot of self-help books and webpages, understood what and why it happened, talking with friends,

she is probably on step 12 of her program...

 

And she has personally evolved past the break up and the old failed relationship,

and is ready for a brand new relationship with you.

 

Wow, just fu*king wow, she is amazing!

 

She is a success story in just a few months!

 

She is probably also a really supporting loveshack member, maybe she is

Tara Maiden or BC1980 or someone really supportive on here?

Wonder who...?

 

You are over-thinking everything because she is still playing you.

 

By the bye, this post is a hand written letter! to you, bluefeather.

 

Yes, we read about people on here getting back with the ex.

 

Just make sure you understand the difference:

they start a new relationship - I hope - with the ex that doesn’t have a mental disorder - or as far as we know. Hah!

 

But what you have, and I have, are exes with serious problems (bi-polar/personality disorders/abandonment/alcohol or whatever issues etc),

so getting back together is not something that will end well for us.

 

Be it a new relationship with the ex, or even after decades have passed.

In our case, this will not end well.

 

Yes, I am just a turban and crystal ball away from seeing into the future...

 

Bahaha!

 

Why getting back together is a bad idea/or even meeting with the ex to hear what she has to say:

All your: «I don't know what to do», and have to ask us for advice,

you worrying too much about what to do, wah wah wah,

just means you are not ready to reconnect.

 

You didn't stay in no contact very long, a few months is just a holiday for the mentally ill ex,

and I have to say I feel like you, or your ex, are rushing this.

 

Especially after reading the above posts and your other thread.

 

Her making contact, seeking you out:

 

You wrote:

she attempted all methods of communication (edit: except a hand written letter!).

I ignored a lot of it and then she came to see me in person. she didnt just express regret.

she said she wants to get back with me and will do whatever it takes.

 

PROOF:

she said she wants to get back with me

means:

She is still living in the past.

 

And we all know how that ended, right?

 

She is in the phase of hooking you.

In that phase it is pure euphoria as she shows you this sweet, caring, sensual, and victim side.

 

Once she has you hooked then the real roller coaster ride begins.

 

I would highly recommend you read up on BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?? The Borderline and You

 

You will see the ex and understand this is her problem and not yours.

It will also help you in terms of why you are attracted to this kind of person.

 

Shari Schreiber is an expert in this area. Read her articles on BDP.

 

You are not alone, trust me on this, but must maintain strict no contact with this type of individual or you will get hoovered,

which is a saying for getting sucked back into their chaos.

 

Also check out this blog:

BPD: Sex, Love and War: BPD Just dumped me. What do I do?

From an article about borderline, called Romeo is bleeding:

«If both of you gave it your honest best, and it failed to work out, then it's the kind of pain that can heal in time.

 

Unlike people that can honestly struggle with their own uncertainties and confusions about a relationship,

and recognize the part they play in creating problems and conflicts,

there are other kinds of people that see love as a game and you as their pawn.

In this cruelly covert contest, cunning is their watchword, deception is their fix, and control is their high.

Adaptability grows out of flexibility. Normal people are capable of adapting themselves to new situations.

 

Change may make them feel uncomfortable, but they can accommodate themselves to it and adjust.

Personality-disordered individuals find it extremely difficult or completely impossible to shift gears when a new situation develops.

 

Mentally healthy people have the capacity to take appropriate responsibility.

 

Such individuals know how to see the part they may have played in creating a problem,

can admit their part in it, can take corrective action to solve the problem and have the capacity to admit they were wrong.

 

They also know how to realistically recognize when they have not played a part in creating a problem.

 

Personality-disordered individuals cannot make those kinds of discriminations around the issue of responsibility.

 

They always blame everything that goes wrong in their life on everyone else,

or they do the exact opposite and always blame themselves for everything that goes wrong.

 

Controllers are blamers

Self-abusive individuals are blame-takers.»

 

This is war.

This is SPARTA!

[turnera]

Maybe I'm still not understanding what you are saying, because that sounds childish. I won't waste my time seeing anyone once a month for a test. That would actually be more work for me. As to what you said about change, I agree. That is exactly why I said, "But that does not mean that I don't think she will change back." In other words, she changed. But that could be temporary. Same thing, just different wording.

What is childish about saying "Hmm, you want to see me again? Well, I'm not too sure about you, you know, since you dumped me and ran. So I'll give you a LITTLE of my time, along with all the other stuff (and women) I have going on in my life, and we'll take it slowly, and in a few months, after a few dates, we'll see if there's anything still there between us. But if you want an answer right now or you're walking? Well, then, I guess you're walking."?

 

And the added benefit of doing it this way is you have TIME - lots of it - to see if her 'change' sticks. Very few people can keep pretending a change for more than 2 or 3 months. So if you're still seeing her in 6 months and the changes have stuck, THEN you might have a valid reason to start seeing her more often, and it will have much less chance of leaving you wounded and hurt again.

 

And, honestly, what have you got to lose by taking it slowly?

 

What I'm really sensing here, though, is that you're just chomping at the bit to start seeing her and having sex with her again; that you didn't really come here for advice, just permission. You know, since you're fighting all the advice that says DON'T do it. You might want to think about that.

Edited October 1, 2015 by turnera

[ScienceGal]

I don't envy you for a moment.

 

The heart wants, but the mind reaches a place where it knows better. For me, I'd only want to hear from him if certain things would be different. But, I know that's near impossible because some of the things are just who he is as a person. It would take a huge emotional awakening on his part.

 

So, I guess you need to determine if she can bring the changes that you and the relationship would need. Be specific, write them down.

 

People do get back together. Just be careful to not fall into old routines and habits.. That path didn't work and you do not want to waste time and energy going down it again.

 

Best of luck!

[bluefeather]

What is childish about saying "Hmm, you want to see me again? Well, I'm not too sure about you, you know, since you dumped me and ran. So I'll give you a LITTLE of my time, along with all the other stuff (and women) I have going on in my life, and we'll take it slowly, and in a few months, after a few dates, we'll see if there's anything still there between us. But if you want an answer right now or you're walking? Well, then, I guess you're walking."?

 

Put like that, I see your point better, thank you. I still do not agree with it because it is a waste of my effort. I won't see an ex every once in a while to see what's up while I date other women. It would be like half-assing a relationship or wasting my time by not focusing on myself while I give some focus on a maybe. It could also lead to stringing her along, whether intentional or not. So it could be a good idea, but not one that I would agree to.

 

I am not chomping at the bit to get back with her or have sex with her. Why do you think I'm that desperate? lol I don't need to get back with her in order to have sex with her. Do you think I'm some powerless thrall to her? i could use her if I wanted to. It's not that. I am coming here because I don't know if I even want it anymore and came to know if other people have been there before and what they did.

 

What the fu*k!

 

thora-tiki I am grateful for your advice, but I don't get why you are painting this person in such a harsh light. I never told my story, but I will say that it wasn't just her fault. I played a part in our problems too, and coming to terms with that was essential in learning to be content with myself. I am not in war.

 

 

No, I would not ever. If I dumped him then I have given it LOTS of thought (probably months or years) and it's very unlikely I'll change my mind by that point. If he dumped me, then there was a reason and I could never trust or believe him again. At the very least, I would consider him emotionally careless, and I don't want to deal with that.

 

Taurus? I am ok with second chances, but I don't know... I'm happy where I am at the moment =)

[purpledooze]

Egos aside. The ego has no place in love's arena.

 

This is an opportunity for the two of you to set the foundation for a good relationship. Meaning: she's not going to be the only one that gets to work on the relationship, you will too.

 

The two of you are mature adults, and by approaching this second chance objectively and with the intent of being responsible for the success/failure of it, you can start things right.

 

I suggest you do this. Before meeting with her (you might need to sit down with her and talk this through too) list down:

 

- 5 things that caused your relationship to end

Try not to list down reasons that come from her end -- those are shortcomings she's responsible for. List down reasons that you yourself can change or take responsibility for. I.e. You didn't pay much attention to her, You didn't compliment her enough, etc. etc.

 

- 5 things that make her the right girl for you

When you feel uncertain, this list is your fallback. By acknowledging the reasons why the relationship or her presence in your life is beneficial to you, you will feel motivated. You'll know how to appeal to her and keep her attentions on you.

 

- 5 situations in your past relationship that you do not want to repeat

This is crucial. You don't want the same cracks to appear again. You want to avoid the mistakes you made. You can also include what you can do to avoid those situations again or to recover from them.

 

- 5 love compliments about her (i.e. "I love how quickly she can think her way out of a problematic situation," "I love the way her nose wrinkles when she laughs")

Passion keeps lovers from straying. This is called the "I love you" ladder. Often in relationships, it's always a big deal who says "I love you" first. The ladder helps you build emotionally towards the moment you both declare your love for each other. And this is a good habit to instill too.

 

Love is a battle. Don't go rushing into it with guns blazing but with little ammunition. Good luck.

Edited October 1, 2015 by purpledooze

[greenleaves54]

I understand your having a hard decision here bluefeather! I was dumped 3 weeks ago and from time to time I found myself planning what I will tell my ex if she comes back for another chance. What questions I will ask her, what demands I will make of her (complete honesty of her current feelings and her earlier actions for example), and so on.

 

In the end I'm not sure I want her back though. Like you, I can see her flaws more clearly now. And I know I don't need her to feel happy with my life.

 

I believe in second chances though. The relationship and break-up have taught us many things. What things not to accept and what things are needed for a healthy relationship. This could be a good start for something new. Make sure she's completely sincere about her feelings though. You have the position of power here. I'm sure you will make the decision that is best for you in the long run, whatever it is. It would be great if you kept us updated.

[Popsicle]

Taurus? I am ok with second chances, but I don't know... I'm happy where I am at the moment =)

 

No I'm a Cancer.

[singme2sleep]

You sound in denial hoping he feels regret. I have been there with my ex hoping that they cared. the fact is YOUR EX IS GONE. Move on and heal yourself. Every day i am getting stronger and leaving my past behind me. Don't look back unless they come after you begging, but by then it is always too late (well usually but stranger stuff has happened). good luck

 

I'm not in denial, I understand and accept that the relationship is over. But I'm confident in myself and what I have to offer, I know I was great to him before his issues got in the way and he ended things. I'm a catch and eventually he is going to regret throwing us away. He won't find it again.

[singme2sleep]

No I'm a Cancer.

 

My ex is a Taurus, very stubborn.

[bluefeather]

No I'm a Cancer.

 

Ah, then maybe it's the shell. Haven't had any experience with your sign, though. Intriguing.

[bluefeather]

It would be great if you kept us updated.

 

Yes, I'll be sure to post back if I get back with her and it blows up in my face lol... the good thing is I'm ok with that possibility now. Because I'm ok without her. So either way is okie dory.

[Popsicle]

So you ARE getting back with her?

[bluefeather]

So you ARE getting back with her?

 

I dont know. I have not made a decision. I no longer have a need for this so am now just walking along, trying to see if fate will show me a way to go. Today I could say 50/50. Tomorrow, idk...

[todreaminblue]

I dont know. I have not made a decision. I no longer have a need for this so am now just walking along, trying to see if fate will show me a way to go. Today I could say 50/50. Tomorrow, idk...

 

 

i really think you need time to decide fi you want this person back in your life or not...if you are iffy about it.....why would you go ahead on an if...is she worth a second chance....whatever you do i suggest you forgive her......and then go from there...........deb

[turnera]

Because he's afraid if he doesn't bite now, she won't offer again.

[bluefeather]

i really think you need time to decide fi you want this person back in your life or not...if you are iffy about it.....why would you go ahead on an if...is she worth a second chance....whatever you do i suggest you forgive her......and then go from there...........deb

 

I agree. I won't go on an if. That's why I'm just doing my thing and seeing what happens. Today, I am no longer being distracted by this. As for forgiveness, I forgave her a long time ago. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/546533-rant-about-here#post6532544

 

Because he's afraid if he doesn't bite now, she won't offer again.

 

I told her it probably wouldn't work. She still wants to be around. It is rude to speak about me in the third person, especially since what you say about me is false. If I was afraid that she "won't offer again," I would have gotten with her days before I made this thread. I would not have even come here to discuss my thoughts. If she walks away while I am thinking about my path in life, that is fine. I am not afraid. I already stated so in this very thread. Look, I even bolded a part for you.

 

And if I take her back and she leaves, or if she even changes her mind and leaves me before that even becomes a possibility, I am already OK with that. This person being in my life does not define who I am.

 

You seem quick to speak your opinion, but your listening skills are lacking. This is the second time that you have made a wrong assumption about me. The first one was in your thinking that I am desperate to get back with her and to have sex with her. Your "sense" as you call it is very off. Your words are not "tough love" and your words are not "hard truth." Both of those I can give and take. Your words are just false. Maybe you are projecting your own fears onto my experience. I don't know. But I ask that you refrain from speaking in this thread now, because your words do not help.

[turnera]

Why are you so defensive?