Preparing for my boyfriend visiting my family home during the holidays...

[MissTrudy]

I am very excited to say that my boyfriend of 17 months will be coming home with me for Christmas this year! But I am also a bit nervous which is why I am posting here.

 

This is the first serious boyfriend I've had and the first boyfriend to meet my family. All of my relatives know about him and my mom, aunt, uncle, and three of my cousins already met him when they came to my graduation in June. They love him. I've since moved cross-country (closer to my family) for a job and now my boyfriend and I are long-distance.

 

I've never brought anyone home before. Not a boyfriend, not even friends from school. We've never had someone stay at our house who wasn't family. None of my friends have ever been inside of my house. For me, "home" is a house owned by my grandmother that I lived in with my mom, an aunt, two developmentally disabled cousins, and my grandmother before I went to college. My grandmother is very protective of her space and who comes in it, hence the lack of visitors and over night guests. So I was surprised when she said it was okay for him to come not only for Christmas, but to stay at our house during the visit!

 

I sensed a bit of hesitancy when I asked her, I think it is just nerves. I know she isn't happy with the way our house looks; our family is low-income and because of some of my relatives who live with her, let's just say that parts of the house could look better. He'll be staying in the "nice" part of our house but he'll see most of the rest of our house too, like the kitchen and main living room.

 

He comes from an upper middle class background; I've met his family and I've seen his childhood home. I have awesome relationships with his parents and siblings. He knows a bit about my background and family, but not everything, and I guess I an wondering if I need to mentally prepare him for meeting my relatives (especially the disabled ones) and seeing how I lived. I don't really know how to do this though, partly because I am a bit ashamed too, to be honest. Should I flat-out tell him our house is a bit decrepit? That this is a big deal because we never have guests who aren't family?

 

Another option is that he stay at a nearby hotel, which would be more comfortable for him, and also give us some privacy. I did mention the hotel when I asked my grandmother about him staying and she said it was fine if he stayed with us. So on one hand I feel like him staying at a hotel might be a slap in the face to my family since they've already opened the doors to him, but also it means that they'll be less stressed about having a visitor. Plus it's expensive, and I'd feel bad asking him to pay for it since whenever I've visited his family, I stay with them for free.And i don't wanna pay for it!

 

Also, I want to make the situation less stressful for my family and find ways to show my gratitude. My grandmother just had major surgery and will be recovered by then, but I know she's constantly trying to make the house look better and function better. My mom is already talking about how we have to "prepare" for his visit and clean, fix things, etc. I am going to help with this when I come home for Thanksgiving. It's something I've wanted to do anyway and now that I am financially independent and making a decent income, it's possible for me to help. It'll be just as much for them as for visitors like my boyfriend. I am wondering what else I should do to show my gratitude?

 

My boyfriend is not Christian either, so I am wondering what is appropriate for him/us to do as gifts for family members? Should we both sign the gifts that I would give to my mom, grandmom, etc? Should I tell him to buy gifts for them (or at least my grandmother; my mom doesn't care about gifts)?

 

I'd like to note that I don't think he'll be judgmental or disrespectful or anything like that; I would be extremely surprised and saddened if he was and it's a total deal breaker for me. I just don't want him to feel awkward or uncomfortable, since meeting my whole family (the ones i live with + relatives who come for Christmas) is enough to stress out about. It's probably me who is the one worrying the most because by bringing him home, I'm showing him a part of me that I haven't allowed anyone that isn't family to see.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Yeah you should talk to him about it just to ensure he's completely prepared for his visit. You should also discuss living arrangements i.e. sleeping, bathroom, and food to make sure it's all gravy. I would go for joint presents/cards given that he has no relationship with them outside of you. He would score points for a thank you for having me card upon departure.

[d0nnivain]

First find out what your family's expectations are regarding the sleeping arrangements. Welcoming your BF into their home may not mean you two are welcome to share a bed under grandma's roof. Give your BF the option of where he wants to stay. Make it his choice but if he picks hotel, offer part of the costs or if you will be staying there too, pick up the tab.

 

 

Since he's not Christian, ask what he knows about Christmas traditions. Offer inexpensive suggestions about what he could give them. You need to show up with lots of food -- Christmas cookies, etc so all the costs of feeding your guy don't fall on grandma.

 

 

Do talk to him about family members especially special needs ones. Perhaps show him pictures so he feels more like he knows them.

[MissTrudy]

We definitely won't be sleeping in the same room. He'll be sleeping on an air mattress in our family room if he stays with us. It's on the other side of our house and pretty separate from where the rest of us sleep, lol.

 

I talked to him a bit last night about how long he'd like to visit. He was thinking a week and when I talked to my family about it earlier, I only said 3-4 days because I had no idea how long the visit would be; I just needed to make sure a visit was okay. So I need to tell them that it's longer than I expected and see what they say. Hopefully it's still fine with them.

[clia]

You've been together for 17 months, so I feel you can be totally honest with him about what to expect. I would prepare him for the situation at your grandmother's home. You don't have to go into all the details, but hit the main points. It sounds like a lot of people live there. Is it crowded?

 

Personally, I would stay in a hotel nearby, especially considering that he'll be on an air mattress in the family room. That seems kind of awkward to me for a guest. He'll get no privacy. I always stayed in a nearby hotel when I brought guys home to meet my family. It's way more comfortable and you get your privacy. Plus, if you are now long distance I assume you don't get to see him as much. A week just seems like a long time to stay with family!

 

As far as gifts, he should get something for your grandmother -- flowers or something like that -- since he will be staying in her home. Otherwise, I think it's fine for you to include him on the gifts you give.

[SpiralOut]

Tell him about the sleeping arrangements and make sure he is okay with it. A week is a long time to be sleeping on an air mattress. Personally I would keep the visit short, maybe 2-3 days.

[stillafool]

Tell him about the sleeping arrangements and make sure he is okay with it. A week is a long time to be sleeping on an air mattress. Personally I would keep the visit short, maybe 2-3 days.

 

I agree with this. A week may be too long for your Grandma. Even if you help out it is still tiring to some elders to have people around too long.

[MissTrudy]

I told my mom that my BF was thinking about visiting for a week, and while she is all for him staying with us, my grandmother isn't and told us two days max now. So we're just going to book a hotel for him, regardless of how long he wants to stay. I think this is better anyway personally. Since we are long-distance, he'll be traveling cross-country, and this would be the first time we see each other after two months apart, we both want a substantial amount of time together and I'll do whatever I need to in order to ensure that. My mother is livid though about the situation so my only worry now is that she upsets my grandmother and my grandmother is sour about him coming over during the days.

 

My mom is upset for a number of reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that my mother has never felt like she was allowed to have people over our house and when she did bring guests she felt like my grandmother was mean to them, even though my mom pays rent etc. My mother had a bf a few years ago and he'd come over sometimes (never spent the night or anything like that; when he came over he would stay for an hour or two and they were always in public places, never her room) and all the other relatives living there were just sort of mean to him. This contrasts with my aunt who doesn't live with us but constantly brings people over to our house unannounced. She has never been reprimanded by my grandmother even though my grandmother has expressed this disproval to us.

 

The house itself isn't crowded. About a decade ago we got an addition put on the house (that my mom paid for, ironically) that is quite nice and my family spends most of their time in that part of the house; this is also the part of the house he'd be staying in (it's the part that the guests are "allowed" to see, lol). But the rest of the house is fully functional it's just that my grandma and aunt don't like to spend time in that part unless they're in their bedrooms. So my two special needs cousins monopolize that part of the house and it's not as nice as the rest of the house.

 

Now I need to figure out if I should stay with him at the hotel. He'll be in town in a few days so we can actually talk about it together in person. Honestly I'd prefer to stay at the hotel too just because it'd be less hectic; visiting home tends to be stressful for me even when I'm by myself, and with him in town but not physically with me all the time would make things difficult. My mom thinks I should stay with him but I also know she's trying to stick it to my grandma. I just see more costs adding up for me; I dont want to ask him to pay for these things because he would have already paid for two trips to see me (and boarding costs for his dog that doesn't travel with him) and I haven't paid for a trip to see him yet.

[SpiralOut]

I think you should stay with him at the hotel and offer to pay half the bill. You are a couple. Book ahead of time and find something low-cost. If your grandmother is excessively rude to him while you're visiting, you can both leave the house and do something else together.

[Miss Peach]

I'm following your thread because my BF just asked me to visit his parent for the holidays this year so I was curious about this thread.

 

I've celebrated Christmas but BF's family is very religious (my family isn't) and I'm not very familiar with his childhood religion.

 

I know for me my questions are things like:

 

1. sleeping arrangements, what the visits would look like

 

2. who each person is, what are they like, what are some topics to talk to them about (want to make a good impression)

 

3. traditions - Do you get gifts for everyone? Do you do white elephant? Do you go to church? Do you carol?

 

4. Food - what food is available? I have an XBF and his family cooked foods I didn't like and I starved for a few days.

 

5. Unspoken family rules and dynamics similar to the ones in your post (basically it sounds like your grandmother makes the rules). Also is your family a hugging family? Kissing family? Handshake family? I know with one of my exes I lost brownie points because I didn't come from a hugging and kissing family and it felt weird to me at first. They didn't like that I seemed so stiff at first.

[MissTrudy]

He visited last week and I prepped him for the visit; describing my relatives and letting him know that he'll be staying at a hotel. Even though he know's we'll take care of the hotel, he wasn't crazy about staying at a hotel but I think he understands why it is necessary. He's still very excited about coming and so am I, though I think now his trip (and my trip) to visit my family will be shorter as a consequence of him having to stay at a hotel.

[turnera]

You screwed up.

 

Your FUTURE is with this man. Not your family. You must stay with him at the hotel. All courtesy of your mom being a douche.

 

Time to start reacting to them as an equal, an adult, and if they treat you poorly, guess what? Consequences.

[SpiralOut]

If I dated someone who asked me to stay at a hotel by myself while he sleeps at his family's house without me, that relationship would be over pretty quickly. This poor guy is going out of his way to see you. Stay at the hotel with him. You're a couple. Start acting like it.

[Els]

I actually think that staying at a hotel is a good idea if both of you can afford it, especially if you're in a LDR and haven't had much time together in person recently. How can you possibly do anything naughty if he's staying at grandma's house?

 

I think the whole mom-grandma shenanigan is drama that is best avoided. Just tell everyone your bf has said that he doesn't want to impinge on anyone and that he'll be staying in a hotel. Then go stay with him. Problem solved.

[turnera]

But make sure you take a gift anyway! Those old families expect guests to bring a gift, usually.

[MissTrudy]

No I didn't screw up.

 

First of all, my mom is not being a douche. if you read through my threads, you'll see that she's 100% for my boyfriend staying with us. My grandmother is the one being more difficult, and I wouldn't describe it as douchey; it's annoying, but she hasn't been hostile and it's surprising that she even offered for him to stay two nights given how she usually is about people. So please do not say disrespectful things about my mother and grandmother like that.

 

I also didn't say that I wouldn't be staying at the hotel with him, so please do not assume. More likely than not I am going to stay with him; it'll be kind of weird not waking up with my family there on christmas morning but that's my grandmother's fault so if she is upset about it she can only blame herself. His frustration about the hotel wasn't that he'd potentially be alone for the nights, but that he thinks hotels are a waste of money. But I'm paying so he shouldn't view that as an issue, and I think it will be romantic and fun

 

I am pretty sure my mom thinks I should stay with him at the hotel so that we can have some privacy...to do things that we shouldn't be doing at my grandma's, hahahahaha. It'll be a little over two months before I see him again so that's definitely something I would go for!!!

 

We also discussed gifts. He had asked me on his own who he should get gifts for and took notes on what each person liked I think we're both looking forward to it!

[Els]

Sounds like a good plan, OP. Have lots of fun!