Problems with sex and self-esteem in a new relationship

[soho]

I am not a native English speaker, so please excuse me if my English is poor.

 

During this spring I meet a really sweet and wonderful girl (I am a male). We are both in the mid 30:s, she is a couple of years older than me. We met on OLD and felt a strong connection to each other during our first meetings IRL. From that point, everything went on very fast and we decided to be a couple after just four weeks. We both feel that we are soul mates, we can talk about everything and have the same sense of humor etc. A couple of weeks ago she moved in to my flat. She have told me several times that she wants to marry me and have babies with me. I also feel that she loves me a lot. I have very strong feelings for her as well, however I am not able to commit to future plans as strongly as she is. The reason for this is that I am dissatisfied with our sex life. When we have sex it mostly feels great but my desire for sex is stronger than hers. I could easily have sex with her several times each day or at least daily but her desire to have sex with me is much more fluctuating and not as strong. Quite often when I initiate sex she is not in the mood (roughly every second time), It feels terrible to be rejected and my mood goes down almost every time. It hurts my self-esteem a lot. We have talked about it several times and every time she tries to comfort me and tell me that she feels attracted to me and that I should not take it personal. In the short run this talk helps, but not so much in the long run.

 

A couple of days ago I told her that I am not able to commit to our relationship as strongly as she is as long as I have the feeling that our sexual desire and attraction to each is not on the same level. I am not sure that I can live with this situation in the long run. She has told me that she do not have a low sex drive in general and sex was not a problem in her previous relationships. So she is not used to cope with problem like this. For me it has been the opposite, a year ago I had to end a 3 year old relationship partly because my partner was not so much into sex (she had a low sex drive in general). Sex feels much better in my new relationship but I still have the feeling that her attraction for me is not on the same level. She is not dissatisfied with our sex life and she has told me several time that I make her feel very attractive. She has also told me that we should be able to find a solution to this problem but she just don't know how (at the moment).

 

My sexual self-esteem has been low during almost my entire life as a adult, and my parents and my psychologist has told me that I my body image problems resemble Body Dysmorphic Disorder. So rejection when it comes to sex hurts my sexual self-esteem and body image a lot.

 

We both feel that it would be terrible to end our relationship because of this problem but we just do not know what to do. Has anyone here been in the same situation? Is it reasonable to assume that we can fix this problem? And if so, do anyone here have any advice on how to deal with the situation?

Edited October 1, 2015 by soho

[salparadise]

I could easily have sex with her several times each day or at least daily but her desire to have sex with me is much more fluctuating and not as strong. Quite often when I initiate sex she is not in the mood (roughly every second time), It feels terrible to be rejected and my mood goes down almost every time. It hurts my self-esteem a lot.

 

Well, a few things you just have to accept. First, most men on the planet don't get laid as much as they'd like, and some don't get laid at all, or not with any regularity. Second, she owns the vagina and you don't, so you don't actually have "rights" to it... you just get benefits while the relationship is good and the stars are aligned––her's and yours.

 

If you're trying to initiate sex several times a day, or at least once a day, and she is down for it half of the time, then that means that you're often getting sex more than once a day, and never less than every other day. That's a lot, relatively speaking. Just sayin'

 

It's not her job to fix you or to be responsible for your sexual self-esteem. She has her own sexual rhythm and if you want to be in a relationship with her, then that's what you're going to have to work with. In other words, this sense of entitlement that I hear underlying it all needs to go away. You can't make her want it more often than she does, and having sexual self-esteem issues and body dysmorphic disorder does not make you entitled to everything you want all the time.

 

That being said, if the sex drives are so out of alignment that you can't compromise, then perhaps you should find someone who is motivated several times a day every day. If you can find one who wants that much sex, accepts you and your proclivities, and is not totally driven by neuroticism... well, good luck with that. Or maybe try yoga.

[soho]

Well, a few things you just have to accept. First, most men on the planet don't get laid as much as they'd like, and some don't get laid at all, or not with any regularity. Second, she owns the vagina and you don't, so you don't actually have "rights" to it... you just get benefits while the relationship is good and the stars are aligned––her's and yours.

 

If you're trying to initiate sex several times a day, or at least once a day, and she is down for it half of the time, then that means that you're often getting sex more than once a day, and never less than every other day. That's a lot, relatively speaking. Just sayin'

 

It's not her job to fix you or to be responsible for your sexual self-esteem. She has her own sexual rhythm and if you want to be in a relationship with her, then that's what you're going to have to work with. In other words, this sense of entitlement that I hear underlying it all needs to go away. You can't make her want it more often than she does, and having sexual self-esteem issues and body dysmorphic disorder does not make you entitled to everything you want all the time.

 

That being said, if the sex drives are so out of alignment that you can't compromise, then perhaps you should find someone who is motivated several times a day every day. If you can find one who wants that much sex, accepts you and your proclivities, and is not totally driven by neuroticism... well, good luck with that. Or maybe try yoga.

Thanks for your answer. I see your point. However, I do not initiate every time I feel a desire to have sex with her (I try do it when I feel that she might be in the mood). As it is now, I guess that she wants to have sex a couple of times a week (roughly speaking). Maybe my expectations are to high, my impression is that most couples have a lot of sex in the beginning of a relationship and that it might be something wrong if that's not the case (I often think that she might not be that attracted to me). My first long relationship when I was 20-23 years was different, we had a lot of sex in the beginning and it felt wonderful, also I think it was a good ground to build a relationship on.

 

Regarding the entitlement, I do not want her to have sex with me in order the raise my sexual self-esteem. I just want to feel a deeper sexual connection, that we are more or less equals when it comes to sex. Perhaps we already have that connection and my anxiety and low self esteem creates a problem that do not exist. I am open for that possibility. But it might also be the case that she do not want to admit that she is not that attracted to me. Is it common to have different levels of sexual desire in the beginning of a relationship?

[Lois_Griffin]

I could easily have sex with her several times each day or at least daily but her desire to have sex with me is much more fluctuating and not as strong.

Oh for God's sakes. You and every other horn-dog on the planet. You're not unique. Good luck finding some woman who wants to spend her entire day servicing you instead of being a productive, working member of the human race. Jesus.

A couple of days ago I told her that I am not able to commit to our relationship as strongly as she is as long as I have the feeling that our sexual desire and attraction to each is not on the same level. I am not sure that I can live with this situation in the long run. She has told me that she do not have a low sex drive in general and sex was not a problem in her previous relationships. So she is not used to cope with problem like this. For me it has been the opposite, a year ago I had to end a 3 year old relationship partly because my partner was not so much into sex (she had a low sex drive in general). Sex feels much better in my new relationship but I still have the feeling that her attraction for me is not on the same level. She is not dissatisfied with our sex life and she has told me several time that I make her feel very attractive. She has also told me that we should be able to find a solution to this problem but she just don't know how (at the moment).

I'm going to assume you're young. All you think about is sex and when you're going to get it next. You seem to be MISTAKENLY assuming sex means love. Your neediness is extremely unattractive and probably very taxing on your girlfriend..

 

We both feel that it would be terrible to end our relationship because of this problem but we just do not know what to do. Has anyone here been in the same situation? Is it reasonable to assume that we can fix this problem? And if so, do anyone here have any advice on how to deal with the situation?

"We" don't need to fix the problem. It's YOUR issue because you're under the mistaken impression that sex equals love., Until you realize the fault with this thought process, you're going to continue to fail at relationships. Do your poor girlfriend a favor and quit humping her leg for God's sakes.

[soho]

I do not assume that sex equals love, I just feel that sex is very important in a romantic relationship (compared to non-romantic relationships, where you can feel love but not sexual desire). I do not think it is unreasonable to have that assumption. My girlfriend also told me that she would probably feel sad if she often got rejected by me and if my sexual desire were much weaker than hers.

 

I know that neediness is unattractive but I just do not know how to get rid of these depressing-thoughts. Perhaps I need therapy. Has anyone been in the same situation?

[qubist]

Soho: there are 2 problems that you need to address separately. Your unmatched sex desire and you lack of self esteem when rejected.

Let's start with latest, it is your problem not hers or anybody else. You must work on it hopefully with professional help. There is nothing she can do to help you with it.

You unmatched sex drive is something that both of you need to work on. first of all she is within the average if she wants it twice a week and you are the one who is "horney" and demanding, it is not usual that we want sex every day and multiple times a day. I think you both can work on a compromised rate but this won't be possible unless you take care of the first issue which is self esteem.

If you don't tackle your lack of self esteem you will never have a committed relationship neither with her or nobody else even if you find another woman as sexually demanding as you are, you will find other things to complain about because that's what people that lack selfe confidence do.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am not a native English speaker, so please excuse me if my English is poor.

 

Given your use of paragraphs, punctuation and capital letters, you're light years ahead of many other posters.

 

You're going to have to identify and choose your priorities. There are women out there that will match - and exceed - your sex drive. Whether they'd be good long-term relationship candidates for you is another question.

 

And then there are women like your GF that are great matches from an emotional compatibility stand point, "soulmates" as you described her. A successful relationship with her will require compromise and adjustment - and not just in sex drive.

 

Happiness comes from understanding what's important and relevant to you and making choices accordingly. Sounds like you're in the early part of that process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[soho]

Soho: there are 2 problems that you need to address separately. Your unmatched sex desire and you lack of self esteem when rejected.

Let's start with latest, it is your problem not hers or anybody else. You must work on it hopefully with professional help. There is nothing she can do to help you with it.

You unmatched sex drive is something that both of you need to work on. first of all she is within the average if she wants it twice a week and you are the one who is "horney" and demanding, it is not usual that we want sex every day and multiple times a day. I think you both can work on a compromised rate but this won't be possible unless you take care of the first issue which is self esteem.

If you don't tackle your lack of self esteem you will never have a committed relationship neither with her or nobody else even if you find another woman as sexually demanding as you are, you will find other things to complain about because that's what people that lack selfe confidence do.

Thanks for your post. Sounds reasonable to think about as two separate issues. Part of it also my lack of trust, but I think the trust problem will be solved by working on my self-esteem.

[greaterdevil]

I would tend to think this is a compatibility issue, especially early on in the relationship.

 

If you're only getting half the sex you feel like you want/need, it will probably turn into less as the relationship grows and you become comfortable with/used to each other.

 

Sex is a big deal, and yeah, it's a big part of how men feel desired and validated.

 

On the other hand, how often will you be getting laid if you break up?

[ShatteredLady]

As a woman I feel more sexual if I'm confident & connected in a less sexual way. It's hard to explain. Massage, cuddling & kissing on the sofa (not) watching a bad movie, sharing a nice bubble bath etc. these things don't work if I know he's only doing it to get laid. Actually knowing I'm going to get turned on but NOT having him 'go for it' makes me initiate in a hotter way.

 

By massage I don't mean 30 seconds rubbing my back before its my bum then "oh look whats down here!"