Is it incest to have sex with a step brother or sister? And should I tell on him?

[amywhitt99]

Hi. I'm new here but I'm in a weird situation and would like some input. I know it is incest to have sex with a brother or sister, but what if it is a step sibling? My parents and most of my friends say it is, but others say it is ok and I know that some stepbrothers and sisters have gotten married and had relationships. And also, if it is incest, does this only apply to actually HAVING sex, or is it "incest" to just want to, or to fantasize about it?

 

I'm asking all this because of my sb. I know it's creepy, but he's in love with me and wants to have sex with me. He always flirts with me and he's always asking me if I want to be his gf. I tell him no, of course, but he is very persistent and lately it's gotten to the point where he's practically on his knees begging me. I've thought of telling on him but I know he'd get in big trouble, plus it's embarrassing. But if just wanting to is "incest" then he is definitely guilty of it.

 

What should I do?

[mrldii]

It isn't technically "incest", as that requires relations between blood relatives. It can be "emotional incest" (much like an "emotional affair" can be just as devastating as an affair with sex).

 

How long have you been step-siblings? Were you raised together or did your parents just recently get married? How old are the two of you?

 

Regardless of all of that, I'd be more concerned with his obsession and "begging" you for sex...whether he's semi-related to you, has known you a while, or just met you. ANY male who's obsessed with having sex with ANY female who's indicated the answer is "No" for ANY reason appears to have more than just a screw loose.

 

That, or he believes the movie Cruel Intentions was a documentary/how-to manual and doesn't realize it's simply fiction.

 

Assuming you have told him no and he keeps "begging" you, yeah...I'd mention it to our parents. It's the parents' job to keep all their children safe while in their home and to do whatever they can to keep their children safe (regardless of their age) out in the world-at-large.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

[d0nnivain]

It's too close to home especially if you all live under the same roof. It sounds like you simply don't fancy him. Tell him No means No & he has to stop asking because it's annoying.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi. I'm new here but I'm in a weird situation and would like some input. I know it is incest to have sex with a brother or sister, but what if it is a step sibling? My parents and most of my friends say it is, but others say it is ok and I know that some stepbrothers and sisters have gotten married and had relationships. And also, if it is incest, does this only apply to actually HAVING sex, or is it "incest" to just want to, or to fantasize about it?

 

I'm asking all this because of my sb. I know it's creepy, but he's in love with me and wants to have sex with me. He always flirts with me and he's always asking me if I want to be his gf. I tell him no, of course, but he is very persistent and lately it's gotten to the point where he's practically on his knees begging me. I've thought of telling on him but I know he'd get in big trouble, plus it's embarrassing. But if just wanting to is "incest" then he is definitely guilty of it.

 

What should I do?

 

Your parents are incorrect, as are 'most of your friends' though I can see why your parents would think that way.

But they're still incorret.....

 

If you are not related by blood, but only by marriage, then no, it's not incest, and it has been heard of that stepbrothers/sisters HAVE indeed formed relationships.

 

If this does not appeal to you, then you are quite within your rights to tell him to absolutely stop this, and quit, because you are not interested, and you have no intention whatsoever of having sex with him.

 

How old are you both?

How long have you been related by marriage?

[O'Malley]

It's definitely unhealthy for anyone to attempt to pressure you into having a relationship and/or sex. I would have concerns for your well being if you've asked him to stop or he's otherwise noticed your discomfort and continues to harass you.

 

It's true that sexual attraction does occur at times between step siblings; that's something that families should acknowledge. It's not shameful if one or both step siblings feel a mild attraction, but you and your parents need to have open, healthy communications and boundaries about it. Even if you were an adult and consented to becoming involved with a step sibling, there are all kinds of emotional and familial fallout that could result from such a relationship that would make it advisable not to act upon those feelings.

 

I think your discomfort is a good indicator that you need to tell someone that you trust (your parent, or another relative) what he's been doing so that it can be addressed by both parents. Certainly you should tell him to stop but this isn't a situation that you should be dealing with on your own.

[SoleMate]

Sorry, you're getting bad legal advice here. (Imagine that, random non-lawyers on the Internet don't know the law.) Many US states DO criminalize incest even among step-relatives. 50 state compilation here: http://www.ndaa.org/pdf/Incest%20Statutes%202013.pdf

 

OTOH, the law isn't the main question. It's that your brother is being sexually aggressive with you. You should absolutely tell a trusted adult and ask for their help. Nobody should be nagged for unwanted sex in their home. He is absolutely in the wrong.

[amywhitt99]

It isn't technically "incest", as that requires relations between blood relatives. It can be "emotional incest" (much like an "emotional affair" can be just as devastating as an affair with sex).

 

How long have you been step-siblings? Were you raised together or did your parents just recently get married? How old are the two of you?

 

Regardless of all of that, I'd be more concerned with his obsession and "begging" you for sex...whether he's semi-related to you, has known you a while, or just met you. ANY male who's obsessed with having sex with ANY female who's indicated the answer is "No" for ANY reason appears to have more than just a screw loose.

 

That, or he believes the movie Cruel Intentions was a documentary/how-to manual and doesn't realize it's simply fiction.

 

Assuming you have told him no and he keeps "begging" you, yeah...I'd mention it to our parents. It's the parents' job to keep all their children safe while in their home and to do whatever they can to keep their children safe (regardless of their age) out in the world-at-large.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

 

I'm 15 and he is 17. Our parents just married and we just started living together. Our rooms are downstairs so our parents can't see what he's doing.

 

So I am understanding you as saying that basically he's being perverted and I should tell on him? I have joked with him that I'm going to tell on him, and he gets really scared and tells me that he'd get in BIG trouble. He really got scared the last time I was teasing him about it. I would feel bad if he really got in trouble. I mean, he says his dad might kill him, and he sounds serious. I'd feel sorry for him if he got in that kind of trouble, so maybe that's going too far? But sometimes I do think that a lot of what he does is perverted, and some of it grosses me out, to the point that I wonder if I should snitch on him. I mean, the way he acts, there are times I actually wonder if he needs some kind of therapy or "help" of some kind, lol. I know this is really weird, but sometimes he is so horny that he acts like he is COMPLETELY incapable of controlling himself!

[O'Malley]

I'm 15 and he is 17. Our parents just married and we just started living together. Our rooms are downstairs so our parents can't see what he's doing.

 

So I am understanding you as saying that basically he's being perverted and I should tell on him? I have joked with him that I'm going to tell on him, and he gets really scared and tells me that he'd get in BIG trouble. He really got scared the last time I was teasing him about it. I would feel bad if he really got in trouble. I mean, he says his dad might kill him, and he sounds serious. I'd feel sorry for him if he got in that kind of trouble, so maybe that's going too far? But sometimes I do think that a lot of what he does is perverted, and some of it grosses me out, to the point that I wonder if I should snitch on him. I mean, the way he acts, there are times I actually wonder if he needs some kind of therapy or "help" of some kind, lol. I know this is really weird, but sometimes he is so horny that he acts like he is COMPLETELY incapable of controlling himself!

 

I think you should tell your mother what's been going on. You have nothing to be embarrassed about; at 17 he has enough intelligence to know that this behavior isn't appropriate. This sounds like a situation that could get out of hand, especially since he knows that you're not comfortable with what he's doing and saying and yet he continues to harass you.

[mrldii]

Sorry, you're getting bad legal advice here. (Imagine that, random non-lawyers on the Internet don't know the law.) Many US states DO criminalize incest even among step-relatives. 50 state compilation here: http://www.ndaa.org/pdf/Incest%20Statutes%202013.pdf

 

OTOH, the law isn't the main question. It's that your brother is being sexually aggressive with you. You should absolutely tell a trusted adult and ask for their help. Nobody should be nagged for unwanted sex in their home. He is absolutely in the wrong.

 

I can't speak for the others, but I - myself - wasn't even attempting to give "legal" advice; I was giving emotional support on this site.

 

My statement as to what "incest" is, dealt with the moral determination as to what "incest" is, not the legal determination of it. I did that because OP appeared to be emotionally questioning it, not logically questioning it.

 

 

 

To boot, any good lawyer practicing their trade on the internet, would note that OP never even indicatedin which state she lived...assuming, of course, that on this worldwide site, she even DOES live in the United States.

 

===================================

 

 

 

OP, if he seriously thinks his dad would "kill him", then he needs to seriously back the hell off when you tell him emphatically "NO!!!"

 

[i question if you [i]have [/i]emphatically told him this, since you acknowledge "teasing" him about it. That's sending mixed messages.]

 

It's a rather typical (young) female response to NOT want to say/do anything to get someone else in trouble...leaving yourself vulnerable to being raped...or worse. If you CAN'T emphatically tell him no and/or if he keeps on, then yes, tell your mother. As an adult, it's ultimately her responsibility to get this under control.

[GorillaTheater]

I can't speak for the others, but I - myself - wasn't even attempting to give "legal" advice; I was giving emotional support on this site.

 

My statement as to what "incest" is, dealt with the moral determination as to what "incest" is, not the legal determination of it. I did that because OP appeared to be emotionally questioning it, not logically questioning it.

 

Actually, from what I could tell scanning the list, you're probably right from a legal basis as well. I looked at about half the states, and didn't see one that would classify this as incest under the criminal statutes.

 

What I'm more concerned about is the possibility of sexual assault.

 

OP< tell this guy that either he knocks it off entirely or you go to your mom. What happens after that, with respect to his dad or anyone else, is his problem.

[deadelvis]

Yeah... I imagine it's only a matter of time before you have too many drinks and he forces himself on you. I think you're in a potentially bad situation. Think about where this is heading... He's determined to have sex with you, and it's probably only a matter of time before he "makes it happen". You need to get out of this situation. If he forces himself on you (or gets you drunk and takes advantage) it could cause you serious long term emotional trauma. Please seek help from your parents to prevent this from happening.

[d0nnivain]

I'm 15 and he is 17. Our parents just married and we just started living together. Our rooms are downstairs so our parents can't see what he's doing.

 

So I am understanding you as saying that basically he's being perverted and I should tell on him?

 

It's not telling. It's protecting yourself. He is the one in the wrong here. Do ask your parents to intervene.

 

If you are worried because the parent you live with is married to his bio parent, you tell your non-custodial parent & ask that person to talk to your custodial parent. If he still doesn't stop you ask to go live with your non custodial parent.

Edited October 1, 2015 by d0nnivain

[TaraMaiden2]

Sorry, you're getting bad legal advice here. (Imagine that, random non-lawyers on the Internet don't know the law.) Many US states DO criminalize incest even among step-relatives. 50 state compilation here: http://www.ndaa.org/pdf/Incest%20Statutes%202013.pdf

 

As they're both minors, and we have no clue where she lives, this too, is unnecessary counsel. Your Honour.

 

 

OTOH, the law isn't the main question. It's that your brother is being sexually aggressive with you. You should absolutely tell a trusted adult and ask for their help. Nobody should be nagged for unwanted sex in their home. He is absolutely in the wrong.

 

 

However, as to your second paragraph, you've absolutely nailed it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm 15 and he is 17. Our parents just married and we just started living together. Our rooms are downstairs so our parents can't see what he's doing.

 

So I am understanding you as saying that basically he's being perverted and I should tell on him? I have joked with him that I'm going to tell on him, and he gets really scared and tells me that he'd get in BIG trouble. He really got scared the last time I was teasing him about it. I would feel bad if he really got in trouble. I mean, he says his dad might kill him, and he sounds serious. I'd feel sorry for him if he got in that kind of trouble, so maybe that's going too far? But sometimes I do think that a lot of what he does is perverted, and some of it grosses me out, to the point that I wonder if I should snitch on him. I mean, the way he acts, there are times I actually wonder if he needs some kind of therapy or "help" of some kind, lol. I know this is really weird, but sometimes he is so horny that he acts like he is COMPLETELY incapable of controlling himself!

 

 

 

As with any woman... youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu get to decide what youuuuuuuuuuu want, and then take steps to get exactly that.

 

If you wish to entertain thoughts of having sex with this guy, then don't tell, but if you want it stopped, immediately, as might be the case if at your workplace, or the like, then tell on him.

 

 

FYI - there was a great thread here a handful of years ago written by a teenage guy, about his stepsister... in very much the same circumstances... and they had a sexual relationship, and the parents were informed that the kids were dating.

 

The guy was very well-spoken...

 

 

Lucky I remembered that the girl was referenced here as "Lacey":

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/252533-my-step-sister-acting-weird

 

 

 

Finally - in no way is this 'incest'... AND it is NOT wrong at the core for two adolescent teens suddenly tossed together to recognize the 'sex appeal' in the other.

 

The "familial" taboo on that relates more to those who have been together as a family since the beginning of time.

 

Obviously it would entail some challenges not put upon most young people, but you can at least consider it if you wish to...

[mrs rubble]

I'm 15 and he is 17. Our parents just married and we just started living together. Our rooms are downstairs so our parents can't see what he's doing.

 

So I am understanding you as saying that basically he's being perverted and I should tell on him? I have joked with him that I'm going to tell on him, and he gets really scared and tells me that he'd get in BIG trouble. He really got scared the last time I was teasing him about it. I would feel bad if he really got in trouble. I mean, he says his dad might kill him, and he sounds serious. I'd feel sorry for him if he got in that kind of trouble, so maybe that's going too far? But sometimes I do think that a lot of what he does is perverted, and some of it grosses me out, to the point that I wonder if I should snitch on him. I mean, the way he acts, there are times I actually wonder if he needs some kind of therapy or "help" of some kind, lol. I know this is really weird, but sometimes he is so horny that he acts like he is COMPLETELY incapable of controlling himself!

 

It really bothers me that you believe that your stepfather is capable of killing his son- who also shows aggressive traits.

Is your dad around? Can you move in with him?

I really think you'd be better off out of that environment.

[SpiralOut]

I would say something. If he is acting this way with you, he could act this way with other women in the future, maybe even sexually assault someone. If he is so terrified of his father finding out what he's doing, then why does he keep doing it? That's disturbing, the fact that he can't control himself.

[skydiveaddict]

Hi. I'm new here but I'm in a weird situation and would like some input. I know it is incest to have sex with a brother or sister, but what if it is a step sibling?

 

No. But it's still gross. Don't do it. It's kinda hillbilly behavior. Think about it:

 

" Hey mom, hey dad, me and my step sister will be in my room, hooking up."

Edited October 2, 2015 by skydiveaddict

[newmoon]

talk to your mom, or a trusted adult, about your home situation. it's not ok for anyone to make you feel uncomfortable, whether they are your blood relative or not. make someone aware of what is going on in your home and do not consider his feelings at all, consider what is best for you.

[amywhitt99]

Hi, I just got the chance to log back in. I really appreciate all of your advice. I know most of you are a lot older than me and probably know more about this kind of stuff than I do, so I'm listening, but I don't really think that you understand the situation entirely. I think that is my fault, as I really didn't explain everything too well.

 

I think what everyone is basically saying is tell on him because he might try something or even rape me. Someone even said he might get me while I'm drunk. Well, I can understand the concern, but he really isn't like that. He's not going to try to rape me. He just isn't that kind of person. He's not that aggressive. Actually, he's a very nice person. Plus, if he tried something like that, I would yell and scream and he'd get in trouble, and I think he knows that. Our parents are right upstairs. And I don't drink or use drugs, so I would never be in that kind of position, where I would let him do something like that. And somebody else here suggested that I might want something to happen, and that it is ok for me to do that if I want to. Let me say right now that I am definitely NOT attracted to my sb in the least. First off, he's not my type. Pretty much your typical nerdy type, always studying and doing computer stuff. And second, he's not physically attractive. He's fat and has acne really bad. Plus, legal or not, just thinking about doing something with my own sb totally grosses me out. So please don't think that about me. I was only asking about the legal part just because I was curious, since my sb told me it was all good. I didn't believe him and wanted to make sure I was right, but I guess I'm not.

 

The reason I'm thinking I should maybe tell on him isn't because I think he's dangerous and don't feel safe. It's just that the way he acts seems really weird and perverted to me, and some of my friends are saying it's "incest", even if he doesn't try anything. So I'm thinking that maybe I should tell on him just for that reason alone. I mean, if he's really perverted in some way, shouldn't somebody know about that? But if he isn't, I wouldn't want to create an embarrassing situation for both of us. I mean, I think getting our parents involved is going to make this whole situation even more uncomfortable for everyone. I don't want to tell on him unless there is really something wrong with him, and I'm not quite sure how abnormal this is. Because some of my friends have told me it's normal for even real brothers and sisters to be attracted to each other at times, only normally they don't actually talk about it like my sb has talked about it with me, nor do they usually act the way my sb has been acting lately, as far as I know. I think that normally anyone would be too embarrassed to act on it openly, but my sb obviously isn't ashamed about it. He makes comments about how I look and keeps asking me if I will do things, and he openly takes pictures of me with his cellphone. That is the kind of thing that I think is really weird and abnormal, and makes me think he's a pervert. But if he didn't act the way he does, but I knew that secretly he wanted to, then based on what my friends have told me that might be pretty normal, step or real brother.

 

So now that you understand the situation better, should I still tell on him? To me, it's a question of just how abnormal and perverted his behavior is, and does he need help. I'm concerned about HIM, not me. I feel safe, I'm just concerned that my sb is acting like a perv.

 

omg! I can't believe how late it is! I have to go now as I have school tomorrow.

[TaraMaiden2]

talk to your mom, or a trusted adult, about your home situation. it's not ok for anyone to make you feel uncomfortable, whether they are your blood relative or not. make someone aware of what is going on in your home and do not consider his feelings at all, consider what is best for you.

Are you on good, speaking terms with your natural father...?

I would talk to HIM about this, and let him relay your concerns to the adults you live with, in an adult manner.

It's not that I don't think you would be taken seriously, but coming from him, it would demonstrate your need to confide in an adult removed from the situation, who can actually manoeuvre a solution for you... it's a suitable thing to do...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

The reason I'm thinking I should maybe tell on him isn't because I think he's dangerous and don't feel safe. It's just that the way he acts seems really weird and perverted to me, and some of my friends are saying it's "incest", even if he doesn't try anything. So I'm thinking that maybe I should tell on him just for that reason alone. I mean, if he's really perverted in some way, shouldn't somebody know about that? But if he isn't, I wouldn't want to create an embarrassing situation for both of us. I mean, I think getting our parents involved is going to make this whole situation even more uncomfortable for everyone. I don't want to tell on him unless there is really something wrong with him, and I'm not quite sure how abnormal this is. Because some of my friends have told me it's normal for even real brothers and sisters to be attracted to each other at times, only normally they don't actually talk about it like my sb has talked about it with me, nor do they usually act the way my sb has been acting lately, as far as I know. I think that normally anyone would be too embarrassed to act on it openly, but my sb obviously isn't ashamed about it. He makes comments about how I look and keeps asking me if I will do things, and he openly takes pictures of me with his cellphone. That is the kind of thing that I think is really weird and abnormal, and makes me think he's a pervert. But if he didn't act the way he does, but I knew that secretly he wanted to, then based on what my friends have told me that might be pretty normal, step or real brother.

 

So now that you understand the situation better, should I still tell on him? To me, it's a question of just how abnormal and perverted his behavior is, and does he need help. I'm concerned about HIM, not me. I feel safe, I'm just concerned that my sb is acting like a perv.

 

omg! I can't believe how late it is! I have to go now as I have school tomorrow.

 

 

 

(the sound of a long, uncertain pause as I try to reply)

 

OK, now we have (your not wanting his advances) clear...

 

And while I recognize your right to live without these unwanted advances, I also have to recognize a line well short of perverse in a 17yo male who is randomly tossed into a situation of intimate familiarity with a new-ish-to-him 15yo female, and who reacts by being a teenage boy attracted to a female.

 

My first instinct is for you to find written company workplace materials relating to sexual harassment policies. Specifically the parts which define sexual harassment as "repeated AND unwanted".

 

Print those out, and highlight some of the text, and approach this step brother directly, and seriously and state clearly that these advances/comments he's making are making you uncomfortable, and that you don't want them to continue... and that IF they do continue, you will not hesitate to inform your parents.

 

BUT this is NOT the kid about whom you then huddle with your girlfriends in the lunchroom and point and laugh. You're going to have to live in the environment created by all of this, and I am hoping that when approaching directly with a serious threat, you might be able to get through to your step brother...

 

Perhaps even have a handwritten note that is a replica of one you would give to your own mother if your step brother's behavior continues. Write the note in your own writing, and then make a photocopy OF said note to give to your step brother, so he can see your feelings in writing. Tell him that you have not yet given this note to your mother, but that you will do so unless he ceases all of this behavior which is making you uncomfortable.

 

 

PS - "intimate familiarity", as used above, refers NOT to would-be physical interactions, but just to shared household knowledge... well beyond that of purely random teenagers who only see one another at school, etc.

[anika99]

As your step brother is 17 yrs old and you and he have just started living together I do not consider his attraction to you incestous. He wasn't raised with you and therefore he doesn't have a sibling type bond with you. He is a horny teenage boy who has suddenly found himself living with an attractive teenage girl. No surprise to me that he has an attraction to you. That doesn't make him a pervert.

 

However his horny hormones do not give him the right to sexually harass you. If his behaviour is making you uncomfortable and you have told him to stop then he is 100% in the wrong to not respect your wishes. As to weather he is dangerous, I'm not sure that at your age you can be the best judge of that. You say he is not dangerous but then again you seem to believe that his father would actually kill him. Unless you have witnessed his father acting abusive to his son I think the idea of him killing his own son is a little far fetched. Also you say your not concerned about your step brother taking advantage of you while drunk because you would never be drunk, but if he comes home drunk one day and decides to force himself on you? You need to talk to a real life adult about this. Can't you tell your mom?

[eye of the storm]

Take the incest question off the table.

 

He is 17, you are 15. That right there is a no no.

 

But to me the bigger problem is one you need to learn how to handle right now. How to enforce boundaries. He asked, you said no. He will not stop. You are to "nice" to enforce boundaries. He is painting you into a corner where you will either decide to go ahead and bang him just to shut him up or he will continue to bug you until you are not comfortable in your own home.

 

Do not "tease" about telling. Tell. You are not getting him into trouble, he is. This is his action.

 

To often women allow themselves to get into positions where they are taken advantage of or abused because they "don't want to cause trouble". They don't want anyone to not like them. So they allow themselves to be walked over and placed in situations where they are either uncomfortable or taken advantage of.

 

It is harassment. Plain and simple. You are being harassed.

 

Learn now to handle it. You already told him no and to stop it. He didn't. Now you go tell both parents. If they do not act, escalate and call your dad or a school counselor.

[d0nnivain]

From his perspective you are some girl he met & he's attracted to you. The fact that your parents got married makes this too close for comfort & you probably will be better off not going down the path but it isn't all that perverted / sick. It's an unfortunate set of circumstances.

 

As long as you understand that getting the adults involved is an option AND you are not feeling unsafe, this may be a life lesson in sticking up for yourself. Say No forcefully & mean it. Don't giggle. Don't blush. Whatever you do, don't flirt or tease . . no making sure he catches in you in your underwear or leaving the bathroom door open when you shower. Draw clear & unmistakable boundaries & maintain them. If in the face of your boundaries, he ignores them, then by all means do get your parents involved.

[anika99]

From his perspective you are some girl he met & he's attracted to you. The fact that your parents got married makes this too close for comfort & you probably will be better off not going down the path but it isn't all that perverted / sick. It's an unfortunate set of circumstances.

 

As long as you understand that getting the adults involved is an option AND you are not feeling unsafe, this may be a life lesson in sticking up for yourself. Say No forcefully & mean it. Don't giggle. Don't blush. Whatever you do, don't flirt or tease . . no making sure he catches in you in your underwear or leaving the bathroom door open when you shower. Draw clear & unmistakable boundaries & maintain them. If in the face of your boundaries, he ignores them, then by all means do get your parents involved.

 

Exactly. While it seems the OP has no attraction to her stepbrother it did occur to me that her ego may be enjoying this attention just a little bit. I remember being 15yrs old and enjoying my new womanly beauty and the power I felt it had on boys.