Things in common

[yara]

I was just talking with my boyfriend last night and he was telling me that he told a friend that we are very different in terms of music, movies, hobbies etc. but that we have the same outlook in life and that's whwat got us together.

 

He told me he loves me and that life without me would be meaningless. Do you think is possible to have a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same interests but the same outlook in life?

[Tony T]

Yes, very possible to have a relationship in those circumstances and it happens often. But it is imperative that you have some common interests and, if you don't, explore some at your earliest opportunity. I don't think two people who have ONLY the same outlook on life can go very far in most cases.

 

Many people get together because they "just love each other" but have few if any common interests. So they create some by having two or three kids to take up their time for 10 or 15 years. But when the kids start leaving home, the aloneness can be frightening if two people are left behind with nothing more to share. Lots of times the kids don't even cut the nut and they divorce when the children are young, destroying lives and creating great pain. Having children just to keep a relationship together is cruel and insane.

 

It's real easy to find someone who seems to have the same "outlook on life" as we do. And it's pretty easy to find someone we can get caught up in passionately and enjoy sex, etc. But those things won't take two people very far. There just has to be lots more to it.

 

If you really like this guy, maybe you can get interested in some of the things he likes...or at least try. Maybe you can find some new things both of you can get involved in. And certainly, both of you always deserve lives away from each other where you do what you want to and he does what he wants to.

 

However, if you have the right maturity, the right attitude, and you are happy with yourself, you can be in a long term relationship with most anybody. But it will be lots more fun the more interests you have to share.

[yara]

We feel very comfortable with each other and I also mentioned that if he thinks its ok to be different,he said yes. He told me we have a few things in common such as we both like italian food, we like the 80's songs. But now i feel worried that we might split up, he says he won't find another girl like me and he needs to marry someone he can live with and that will be me because we share the same values. what do you think?

[Tony T]

I think in the short time you'll be fine. If you're not wanting to get real serious...like marriage-type serious...just enjoy the relationship for what it is now.

 

But I absolutely promise you, unless both of you have very few demands and expectations in time you could be very bored with each other.

 

Relationships can never stagnate. They must grow constantly. The two of you must find areas of spiritual, intellectual, and physical puruits you can share on an on-going basis. A relationship cannot survive on sex, Italian food and 80's music.

 

If the two of you can have stimulating conversations, enjoy movies, concerts, travel, etc. and find other things to share as well as things to do apart, you'll be fine. But you must do this.

 

At different ages, we look for different things to keep our interest up in a relationship. Young people can often move forward for a good bit on great sex and fun times out on the town. But if you're talking long term, you are in for some very lonely times if you don't have a lot going together for you.

 

I am always saddened by the number of posts here of married couples who have only their problems and arguments in common. Mature people who don't have many demands, who can enjoy each other's companionship and be happy biking, running, taking walks together, visiting friends, etc. will be much happier.

 

Another thing to remember is that if a person in a relationship is just not a happy person, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to sustain the relationship. It will completely fizzle out.

 

You have to ask yourself if this is something you want to settle for or if you'd like to find someone with whom you share many other interests...or with whom you can pursue many other interests. I promise you, love alone will not take you to the finish line.

[sparkle]

yara,

 

I agree with Tony, common interests are important, but not having too many of them doesn't mean your relationship isn't going to work out. Common values are important as well.

 

How long have you two been dating? Maybe you just don't know each other well enough to know all of each other's interests. There may be many things you two have in common that you don't know about yet or that you haven't realized or thought about.

 

Talk to each other more. Maybe you two like different types of music, stores, pets, food, people, movies, etc. But I'm sure there are at least a few things that you both enjoy doing. There are places that you both like going to or hanging out at. Find out these things and go do them.

 

Also, look at the positive side of different interests. An ex-boyfriend of mine was totally different from me. We both liked doing different things. But we decided to compromise and every now and then I'd join him on things he liked doing, and he'd come to places I enjoyed going. And we both experienced new things we'd never tried before, and even liked things that we didn't think we liked.

 

So with a little compromise and time spent together, things will seem better.

 

This reminds me of a song...

 

"You say that we've got nothing in common

 

No common ground to start from

 

And we're falling apart

 

...

 

And I said what about "Breakfast at Tiffany's"?

 

She said, "I think I remember the film,

 

And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."

 

And I said, "Well, that's one thing we've got."

 

...

 

(deep blue something, breakfast at tiffany's)

[yara]

Tony and Sparkle,

 

Thank you very much for your responses.I've been dating my boyfriend for the past 5 months but we've known each other for about a year. we have some different tastes in music,etc. but we enjoy talking, and going to the movies. I realized that what we have is mutual respect for each other, communication ,and love. Thank you for your responses because it helped me alot.