Why is my ex-boyfriend still emotionally invested in me?

[Lilac Love]

Okay, I was under the impression that you had never been NC. Well, in that case, I would say go back to NC because any contact is clearly not going to work. You know, one thing I've learned is that there are some people we can't make peace with because it's a two way street. I wish it were different, but he sounds like he is holding onto some sort of grudge that he refuses to let go of. In that case, I'd say let him stew in his anger. Don't let it become your problem.

 

I completely agree with you, BC1980. He is clearly and stubbornly clinging to a grudge. Perhaps he desires to punish me for ending the relationship. I don't know. I mean, the relationship only lasted for two months.

 

Lesson learned. Permanent NC.

 

Hunk asked a very good question that remains unanswered. Why should you care? Let him sit around obsessing and blaming you for everything, his miserable life, his miserable girlfriend, his miserable job... whatever. It's all your fault. Fine. Let him tell the world that. No argument.

 

What difference could this possibly make to you now? Tell us all the rest of the story.

 

Yes, it's all my fault... Just kidding!

 

In all seriousness, I was simply perplexed by his behavior. My mind doesn't work that way. I do not hold grudges, nor do I seek revenge. I understand his ego is probably bruised, but the relationship ended three years ago. I genuinely wish him well and hope he can find peace of mind.

[ByMyself01]

My ex-boyfriend's sister continues to apologize for his behavior. Apparently, he is still angry and talking bad about me. I don't understand why a man with a new girlfriend is engaging in such irrational behavior...

 

I assured his sister that she has nothing to apologize for and urged her to refrain from worrying about the situation. I can only imagine how uncomfortable she feels.

 

Is there anything else I can do to prevent her from being put in the middle?

 

My ex did the same thing to me except I think it was because he didn't like me anymore and wanted me to go away because I was the chaser at that point. But when I went away and went on a vacation, I did not contact him so he unblocked me on his alternative page, but I still didn't contact him so it was like a love/hate thing. In your case, I think he is upset that you don't care anymore and he still does. He's angry at you for leaving the way you did and not caring.

[Lilac Love]

My ex did the same thing to me except I think it was because he didn't like me anymore and wanted me to go away because I was the chaser at that point. But when I went away and went on a vacation, I did not contact him so he unblocked me on his alternative page, but I still didn't contact him so it was like a love/hate thing. In your case, I think he is upset that you don't care anymore and he still does. He's angry at you for leaving the way you did and not caring.

 

I assume you're referring to caring in an intimate/romantic sense. No, I certainly do not feel this way about him.

 

I do, however, care in the sense that I do not wish harm upon him. He is aware of this. As I mentioned earlier, I hope he can find peace of mind.

[ByMyself01]

I assume you're referring to caring in an intimate/romantic sense. No, I certainly do not feel this way about him.

 

I do, however, care in the sense that I do not wish harm upon him. He is aware of this. As I mentioned earlier, I hope he can find peace of mind.

 

Yes, I mean that he is angry because you don't want him back and to pursue another relationship with him. The only way he probably can deal with the emotions is to be angry. I know because I went from loving my ex, to having a sense of ill feelings because I felt out of control of the situation and wanted him back and couldn't get him back. He became angry with me because I woudn't go away. So I think the root of the anger is because things are out of our control and being angry is one of the ways to project it.

[Lilac Love]

Yes, I mean that he is angry because you don't want him back and to pursue another relationship with him. The only way he probably can deal with the emotions is to be angry. I know because I went from loving my ex, to having a sense of ill feelings because I felt out of control of the situation and wanted him back and couldn't get him back. He became angry with me because I woudn't go away. So I think the root of the anger is because things are out of our control and being angry is one of the ways to project it.

 

I never thought about it that way. Thank you for sharing your insight. Now that I think about it, I recall a conversation we had last year... He attempted to awaken feelings of jealousy in me and failed miserably. I am not the jealous type. I guess he was trying to gain control of the situation.

[Lilac Love]

Hello! I hope everyone is having a wonderful new year so far.

 

An update:

 

All is going well with the No Contact. Unfortunately, his hostility appears to have intensified and it makes everyone uncomfortable.

 

When my name is innocuously mentioned during a conversation, he either becomes visibly angry, rolls his eyes, or asks why his sister and I are still friends. No one understands why he is reacting this way, especially since he has a girlfriend. One minute, he tells people that I am a great woman. The next minute, he acts like I am his worst enemy. Will it ever end?

 

Has anyone had a similar experience?

[mightycpa]

I'm starting to roll my eyes, frankly.

 

First, he made some mistake or did something bad and you confronted him? Why? Did this affect you somehow? Without knowing more, it sounds like he resented your intrusion into his affairs. Maybe this is what got the ball rolling to begin with.

 

Second, you asked how you can extricate his sister from being in the middle of this hostility. First of all she does not appear to be in the middle of it. She's the front line of these hostilities, and while the subject matter is you, I don't think his venting is meant for your ears. She's his sister. She's supposed to be there for him to vent his steam. Her error is when she tells you about it.

 

Third, he tells everybody you're a great woman and then acts like you're his worst enemy? You're getting this second hand, right? Let me tell you what that probably sounds like:

 

Oh, yeah. Matilda? Sure, she's smart and accomplished and very ambitious. I'm sure she could do anything she put her mind to. But what a pain in the ass. She cannot let things go and has to be in control of every little thing. I even named my GPS after her - because it's always right and it won't shut up.

 

Unfortunately, I can't help you from experience. Whenever I broke it off with an ex, angrily or otherwise, by a week later I had no idea what they were up to, what they thought, how they were singing my praises or cursing me in the darkness. If people brought anything like that up, I cut them off before any real news got out.

 

Hint, hint, hint.

Edited February 19, 2016 by mightycpa

[Lilac Love]

I'm starting to roll my eyes, frankly.

 

First, he made some mistake or did something bad and you confronted him? Why? Did this affect you somehow? Without knowing more, it sounds like he resented your intrusion into his affairs. Maybe this is what got the ball rolling to begin with.

 

Second, you asked how you can extricate his sister from being in the middle of this hostility. First of all she does not appear to be in the middle of it. She's the front line of these hostilities, and while the subject matter is you, I don't think his venting is meant for your ears. She's his sister. She's supposed to be there for him to vent his steam. Her error is when she tells you about it.

 

Third, he tells everybody you're a great woman and then acts like you're his worst enemy? You're getting this second hand, right? Let me tell you what that probably sounds like:

 

 

 

Unfortunately, I can't help you from experience. Whenever I broke it off with an ex, angrily or otherwise, by a week later I had no idea what they were up to, what they thought, how they were singing my praises or cursing me in the darkness. If people brought anything like that up, I cut them off before any real news got out.

 

Hint, hint, hint.

 

I never intruded in his affairs. Never. If you took the time to read my replies in this thread, you would understand that. Perhaps I should have been more clear. Now, he literally goes from admitting he was at fault and saying I am a great woman to suddenly projecting his anger and blaming me all over again.

 

The reason she tells me about it is that she doesn't understand why he vacillates between those extremes and is unsure about how to handle the situation. He even asked her for details about my personal life, such as whether I am in a relationship with someone and how it's going, among other things. I never ask her to tell me anything about him. She is the one who brings him up.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Lilac Love

[kztar]

I don't understand WHY anyone would want to make peace with any EX ?. It's done, no one cares. find peace within yourself. I could care less about an EX to be honest specially if they dumped me. They become DEAD to me so peace would not be an option. And for the dumper to come back and ask for PEACE is stupid. How about you peace yourself out ?.

 

Sorry man. You did it to yourself. Learn not to date around your cirlce.

 

No friends

No-coworkers

No-Friends of friends

No-Coworkers

 

Date people that if its over, It's REALLY over. My opinion anyway.

[Lilac Love]

I don't understand WHY anyone would want to make peace with any EX ?. It's done, no one cares. find peace within yourself. I could care less about an EX to be honest specially if they dumped me. They become DEAD to me so peace would not be an option. And for the dumper to come back and ask for PEACE is stupid. How about you peace yourself out ?.

 

Sorry man. You did it to yourself. Learn not to date around your cirlce.

 

No friends

No-coworkers

No-Friends of friends

No-Coworkers

 

Date people that if its over, It's REALLY over. My opinion anyway.

 

I appreciate your opinion. As another individual pointed out in this thread, making peace is a two-way street. Lesson learned.

 

I am completely at peace with myself. My conscience is clear.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Lilac Love

[mightycpa]

I never intruded in his affairs. Never. If you took the time to read my replies in this thread, you would understand that.

I'm sorry, but that's not true. Let me be clear. You have never explained this:

 

A few weeks later, however, he blocked my number after I confronted him about something.

Do you mean to say that you confronted him about badmouthing you? What is "something", exactly?

 

Perhaps I should have been more clear.

Ya think?

Now, he literally goes from admitting he was at fault and saying I am a great woman to suddenly projecting his anger and blaming me all over again.

The other thing you haven't been quite clear about is the extent of the audience. If he's just badmouthing you to her, then who cares? It's not like you have to deal with any public blowback. If he's doing this at cocktail parties, then after a while, he's got to have some pretty interesting stories about you, or else it gets pretty old and people see it for what it is.

 

The reason she tells me about it is that she doesn't understand why he vacillates between those extremes and is unsure about how to handle the situation.

What situation? There is no situation. He has an opinion about you, expresses it to her, then his opinion changes and he expresses that to her. So what? Who cares why? What difference does "why" make? He does it. Let him have fun if it makes him feel better. Apparently it doesn't change her impression about you.

He even asked her for details about my personal life, such as whether I am in a relationship with someone and how it's going, among other things.

Hmm. Earlier, you wrote this:

I assured his sister that she has nothing to apologize for and urged her to refrain from worrying about the situation. I can only imagine how uncomfortable she feels.

 

Is there anything else I can do to prevent her from being put in the middle?

Reiterate what you said earlier. Tell her to stop telling you about it. If she can't do that on her own, then stop her when she starts. Don't allow it to make it's way to you. To that end, regarding his questions about you, all she has to say is "If you're so interested, go ask her yourself." You don't need to be involved in that, nor do you have to know if he continues asking.

[Redhead14]

It's been three years since I ended our short-lived relationship. I made it clear to him that I deserve better and refuse to be his doormat. Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend is habitually disrespectful. To say he became bitter would be an understatement... He predictably resorted to blaming me for the deterioration of our relationship and claimed I was crazy. His vindictiveness even affected the friendship between his sister and me.

 

Everyone says I am physically and intellectually different from the women he dates... He even admitted to feeling "stupid" when conversing with me.

 

He also recently admitted to still caring about me a lot and having love for me. A few weeks later, however, he blocked my number after I confronted him about something. According to his sister, he acknowledged his mistake to her, but was still very angry with me for confronting him about it.

 

Why is he still emotionally invested in me through his anger? Is it a coping/defence mechanism? Out of all the women he has dated, I am the only one he is reacting to with such passion... It's bizarre.

 

Moving on from a relationship is a grieving process. A person goes through basically the same stages of grief that they experience after a death. And, different people go through those stages at different times and for various lengths of time. For some people, anger is the prevailing emotion for some time. Eventually, it turns to something else, sadness, guilt, remorse until they reach the point of acceptance. It is perfectly normal to experience anger at some point. He just happens to be "there" now. And, if anger is the prevailing emotion for a really long time, there's something else going on with that person. And, yes, anger is sometimes the first emotion because its a coping mechanism.

[Chi townD]

I suppose it could be a rebound relationship. It's been three years since I ended our short-lived relationship, though. Perhaps he is still in love with me, but I find it difficult to accept this as a possibility. His anger is disproportionate to the situation.

 

 

That's exactly why it's a possibility. We want what we can't have and maybe his feelings for you ran deeper than what he or you thought. So, why the anger? Could be a number of things. Frustration, Hurt feelings or he needs to be angry at you so he can learn to let go. It's easier to walk away from someone if you're mad at them. But, I have a feeling that you two are still talking to each other and that probably needs to end.

 

 

You made a choice and you kicked him to the curb. You made a decision and that was to have him out of your life. So, you need to make that happen.

[stillafool]

Hello! I hope everyone is having a wonderful new year so far.

 

An update:

 

All is going well with the No Contact. Unfortunately, his hostility appears to have intensified and it makes everyone uncomfortable.

 

When my name is innocuously mentioned during a conversation, he either becomes visibly angry, rolls his eyes, or asks why his sister and I are still friends. No one understands why he is reacting this way, especially since he has a girlfriend. One minute, he tells people that I am a great woman. The next minute, he acts like I am his worst enemy. Will it ever end?

 

Has anyone had a similar experience?

 

And, how do you know all of this if you are in NC?

[stillafool]

I

 

The reason she tells me about it is that she doesn't understand why he vacillates between those extremes and is unsure about how to handle the situation. He even asked her for details about my personal life, such as whether I am in a relationship with someone and how it's going, among other things. I never ask her to tell me anything about him. She is the one who brings him up.

 

Anyone else who was completely through with their ex would have told their friend to not talk to them about him again. Otherwise they would cut that friend off the way they did their ex. Why do you want to hear what he does and why haven't you told her to stop talking to you about him? One other thing, why aren't you in another relationship with some other guy since it has been 3 long years already?

[Lilac Love]

I'm sorry, but that's not true. Let me be clear. You have never explained this:

 

Do you mean to say that you confronted him about badmouthing you? What is "something", exactly?

 

I confronted him about his behavior in general. For example, he would say I am better than his girlfriend. He would tell me that it wouldn't be a bad thing if "you became my daughter's stepmother. You're a good person and will make a good mother when that happens." He has a daughter from a marriage that ended almost 7 years ago. He would say that he still cared about me a lot. He wanted to know what I thought of him as a person and the reasons our relationship wouldn't work if we rekindled it. I pointed out that he has an unhealthy curiosity about "us." He agreed. I told him to control it and he asked why. I explained that he should be focusing on his current relationship instead. He also attempted to make me jealous and was unsuccessful. Long story short, he eventually exploded with anger out of nowhere and basically said I mean nothing to him. I responded calmly. I asked why he was angry/rude and he said, "Because you're my sister's friend. You have nothing to do with me and my daughter." He admitted to his sister that he shouldn't have said that to me. I said, "Being your sister's friend is not a reason to exhibit anger/rudeness. You're the one who pursued me while in a relationship with another woman. I wonder how your girlfriend would feel about that."

 

Ya think?

 

 

The other thing you haven't been quite clear about is the extent of the audience. If he's just badmouthing you to her, then who cares? It's not like you have to deal with any public blowback. If he's doing this at cocktail parties, then after a while, he's got to have some pretty interesting stories about you, or else it gets pretty old and people see it for what it is.

 

He is badmouthing me to his family, friends and girlfriend.

 

 

What situation? There is no situation. He has an opinion about you, expresses it to her, then his opinion changes and he expresses that to her. So what? Who cares why? What difference does "why" make? He does it. Let him have fun if it makes him feel better. Apparently it doesn't change her impression about you.

 

In her mind, it's a situation. He is having so-called fun at the expense of her frustration. Then again, she can tell him to stop.

 

Hmm. Earlier, you wrote this:

Reiterate what you said earlier. Tell her to stop telling you about it. If she can't do that on her own, then stop her when she starts. Don't allow it to make it's way to you. To that end, regarding his questions about you, all she has to say is "If you're so interested, go ask her yourself." You don't need to be involved in that, nor do you have to know if he continues asking.

 

That's exactly what I will do. Thank you for the suggestion.

[Lilac Love]

Moving on from a relationship is a grieving process. A person goes through basically the same stages of grief that they experience after a death. And, different people go through those stages at different times and for various lengths of time. For some people, anger is the prevailing emotion for some time. Eventually, it turns to something else, sadness, guilt, remorse until they reach the point of acceptance. It is perfectly normal to experience anger at some point. He just happens to be "there" now. And, if anger is the prevailing emotion for a really long time, there's something else going on with that person. And, yes, anger is sometimes the first emotion because its a coping mechanism.

 

You make an excellent point.

[Lilac Love]

That's exactly why it's a possibility. We want what we can't have and maybe his feelings for you ran deeper than what he or you thought. So, why the anger? Could be a number of things. Frustration, Hurt feelings or he needs to be angry at you so he can learn to let go. It's easier to walk away from someone if you're mad at them. But, I have a feeling that you two are still talking to each other and that probably needs to end.

 

 

You made a choice and you kicked him to the curb. You made a decision and that was to have him out of your life. So, you need to make that happen.

 

No, we are not communicating with each other. I wish him well, but that ship has sailed.

[Lilac Love]

Anyone else who was completely through with their ex would have told their friend to not talk to them about him again. Otherwise they would cut that friend off the way they did their ex. Why do you want to hear what he does and why haven't you told her to stop talking to you about him? One other thing, why aren't you in another relationship with some other guy since it has been 3 long years already?

 

Why would I cut her off? She is not responsible for his behavior. It's not that I want to hear anything about him. The way I see it, she is simply venting her frustrations. Your assumption that I haven't been in another relationship with another man is incorrect. I was in a relationship which ended amicably. We discovered that we were incompatible as a couple and went our separate ways. We still remain on friendly terms and support each other's endeavors.

[mightycpa]

OK, now we have the needed clarity to make sense of this. If I may continue to beat this horse into the ground, and only for the purpose of your edification:

I confronted him about his behavior in general.

You see, I would argue that his behavior in general is really none of your business.

For example, he would say I am better than his girlfriend. He would tell me that it wouldn't be a bad thing if "you became my daughter's stepmother. You're a good person and will make a good mother when that happens." He has a daughter from a marriage that ended almost 7 years ago. He would say that he still cared about me a lot.

At worst, these things are neutral statements for which you should have no reaction except to say "Why, thank you."

He wanted to know what I thought of him as a person and the reasons our relationship wouldn't work if we rekindled it. I pointed out that he has an unhealthy curiosity about "us." He agreed. I told him to control it and he asked why. I explained that he should be focusing on his current relationship instead. He also attempted to make me jealous and was unsuccessful. Long story short, he eventually exploded with anger out of nowhere and basically said I mean nothing to him. I responded calmly. I asked why he was angry/rude and he said, "Because you're my sister's friend. You have nothing to do with me and my daughter."

Now I would tell you that this is pretty much what you can expect when you maintain relations with a spurned lover who doesn't have the good sense to cut you out of his life until he doesn't care anymore. I would gently suggest to you that you could have handled this a lot better. First, he buttered you up with compliments, and then once the stage was set, he wanted you to reciprocate. This is pretty manipulative, and I can't imagine you don't know this about him, which brings me right back, full circle, to wondering why you maintained any relationship with him. Anyway, you should have just told him that you think he's a wonderful human being and explained that there are millions of wonderful people in the world, but that doesn't mean you want to be with them, using the broken record technique for any challenges to your position or followup.

 

But, again, knowing this about him, I wonder why this conversation ever took place to begin with. <== the broken record technique in action

He admitted to his sister that he shouldn't have said

he said, "Because you're my sister's friend. You have nothing to do with me and my daughter."

that to me.

Honestly, I think he was actually quite correct about that. You really should have nothing to do with him and his daughter, if not for his sake, then for your own. <== notice the alternate phrasing that can be used in the broken record technique.

I said, "Being your sister's friend is not a reason to exhibit anger/rudeness. You're the one who pursued me while in a relationship with another woman. I wonder how your girlfriend would feel about that."

This is actually an interesting fight that you've chosen to pick with him. Presumably, you dumped this guy for whatever reason. Now, we see you were engaging with your ex in disagreements about matters of relationship propriety. Dangerous ground, to say the least. It almost sounds like the quarrels between you aren't over yet, doesn't it?

 

He is badmouthing me to his family, friends and girlfriend.

I'm sure they all understand what's happening. It's been three years, and he's still harping about whatever. I don't see anything there to concern you.

 

In her mind, it's a situation. He is having so-called fun at the expense of her frustration. Then again, she can tell him to stop.

Having fun at the expense of a sister's frustration is a brother-sister dynamic that has been going on ever since there have been brothers and sisters. Unless you're an only child, whose only friends were only children, you should know that this is well-trodden soil beneath their feet.

 

That's exactly what I will do. Thank you for the suggestion.

You're welcome. Glad to be of some help.

 

Now, to your original question. Why is he still so hung up on you? Because you've been engaging with him, helping him keep his bitterness alive. Leave him alone, and it will die out. He may never like you, but that shouldn't really matter to you. Let it go.<==BRT

[Omei]

Do you enjoy the fact that he is reacting this way? Does his behavior subconsciously feed your ego because he is still invested? I find it interesting that, twice, you singled yourself out as special among all the women he has dated. You state that you are emotionally superior to the women he has dated, and you state that you are the only one who has been able to elicit such passionate anger.

 

Based on what you've told me, my gut feeling is that you subconsciously enjoy the negative attention he gives you because it feeds your ego. It makes you feel special that you can elicit such a response from him, and it makes you feel in control. You have been in the driver's seat for the 3 years since you dumped him. I'm sure he still has some feelings for you. I think that him blocking you changed the power dynamic in his favor.

 

I don't think it's very beneficial to probe the reasons for his behavior. I think it's time to look at your behavior and try to understand why, 3 years later, you still allow an ex access to your life. You are just as emotionally invested in the "relationship" as he is. As for the sister, you can be friend with her independent of your ex if you want to.

 

These are the same thoughts I had when I read OP's original post.

 

People who break up with someone tend to not keep them around for years after, I feel bad for the guy because I feel you must be dangling something for him to still be professing his love you this much time later and you still making yourself available to hear him, then yes he would have break downs of anger being rejected time and time again, I hope you're not doing this as it's somewhat cruel.

[Lilac Love]

@mightycpa

 

I appreciate your patience and thoroughness. I definitely could have handled this a lot better. Furthermore, it was never my intention to keep the bitterness alive.

 

 

Honestly, I think he was actually quite correct about that. You really should have nothing to do with him and his daughter, if not for his sake, then for your own.

 

I don't disagree with that at all. As a matter of fact, I feel exactly the same way. I thought his anger was unnecessary, that's all. Then for him to tell his sister that he shouldn't have said that to me is absolutely bizarre.

[Lilac Love]

These are the same thoughts I had when I read OP's original post.

 

People who break up with someone tend to not keep them around for years after, I feel bad for the guy because I feel you must be dangling something for him to still be professing his love you this much time later and you still making yourself available to hear him, then yes he would have break downs of anger being rejected time and time again, I hope you're not doing this as it's somewhat cruel.

 

I am not dangling anything for him. He has a girlfriend. I encouraged him to focus on his new relationship.

[stillafool]

Why would I cut her off? She is not responsible for his behavior. It's not that I want to hear anything about him. The way I see it, she is simply venting her frustrations. Your assumption that I haven't been in another relationship with another man is incorrect. I was in a relationship which ended amicably. We discovered that we were incompatible as a couple and went our separate ways. We still remain on friendly terms and support each other's endeavors.

 

Tell her you don't want to hear about him and to vent her frustration about him to someone else because you don't want to hear about it.

 

Any good friend would be more than understanding in your situation. It is up to you to shut this down, not him. Also if her venting her frustration about this causes you to come to LS and make a thread about it, it's way out of hand.

[Omei]

I am not dangling anything for him. He has a girlfriend. I encouraged him to focus on his new relationship.

 

I doubt you have no part, had you cut contact when you dumped him he would of gotten over his issues by now you held his healing back greatly made it worse even hopefully now you've cut contact so this person can recover from his anger he shouldn't be this upset three years later unless you've helped the process along. I'm not trying to insult you many people don't know how to break up but often when the dumper keeps in contact the person who did not want to break up jumps between this "love" and "anger" you speak of how one minute he's saying your an amazing woman the next he really hates you it's because over the years your contact has offered hope and shutdowns, he won't get better till you go away and I mean truly not be there like you never existed then he can start to let go of some of the stuff he's built up.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Omei