Can't get my wife off the phone and engaged in meaningful talks...

[MightyPen]

This might sound like a "first world problem" but I assure you it's real.

 

Every night after we put the kiddos to bed, it's the same routine. We flop on the loveseat and sofa (separately) and she studies her phone like it holds the mysteries of the universe within. I try to engage her in conversation, but it rarely works. I end up turning on the TV or working on the computer, so admittedly I know I need to try harder to engage her. I probably give up too easily.

 

She plays those silly little time-wasting farm games and a trivia game. To add insult to injury, she will frequently ask me the answers to the trivia questions, but she doesn't seem interested in actually learning new things; she just wants to tap the right button and "beat" her friends at the game. I feel like Google.

 

Over recent years, I've come to realize that deep, thoughtful conversations, the exchange of ideas and options, all these things are REALLY important to me. After having so much of that in college and graduate school, I feel like a huge hole has opened up and I need to fill it.

 

My wife is not unintelligent, but she's not naturally inclined to talk about "deep" things. Most of our talks involve the mind-numbing logistics of daily life. On the rare occasion I'm able to engage her in thoughtful discussion, she'll frequently just give up and say, "I don't know."

 

How do I resolve this? Does anyone have any advice? I know some people might say, "Just get your intellectual stimulation elsewhere," but when it's the #1 on my priority list (way above sex, looks or even sense of humor), I'm not sure it would be sustainable to just "get it elsewhere" for the rest of my life.

 

 

(EDIT: I want to point out that my wife has many great qualities, is sexy and funny, hyper organized and responsible, and is a great mother to our children. We treat each other well and our household runs smoothly - no financial issues, substance abuse, battles about religion, or any of that stuff.)

Edited October 2, 2015 by MightyPen

[autumnnight]

First, I agree with you, "get it elsewhere" is terrible advice. This is how affairs start.

 

One strategy might be to play the games with her? Like get the app yourself?

 

But that won't fix the whole problem.

 

How much time do you spend together out of the house away from the kids? Finding something you both enjoy doing or spending time talking over a dinner out, etc. might give things a jump start.

[MightyPen]

First, I agree with you, "get it elsewhere" is terrible advice. This is how affairs start.

 

One strategy might be to play the games with her? Like get the app yourself?

 

But that won't fix the whole problem.

 

How much time do you spend together out of the house away from the kids? Finding something you both enjoy doing or spending time talking over a dinner out, etc. might give things a jump start.

 

 

Yep, we need to get out! The other night I spoke to her about signing up for Care.com or some other babysitting service because we've been relying on grandparents to give us date nights (with minimal success). She wasn't as excited about it as I had hoped. I'd love to go to plays or concerts or even just dinner and a movie.

 

I would still be very worried about the underlying problem long-term, but I recognize that getting out of the house would be a start.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Steal her phone, drive to the nearest large body of water, and throw it as far into the deep as you possibly can. Best of luck.

[Davey L]

I have the same problem with the TV. I've not found a solution short of throwing the TV out of the window.

[MightyPen]

Jacob and Davey,

 

I'd love to do that. I've come to hate cell phones. Nobody talks - I mean really TALKS - with anyone anymore.

 

But short of that, I think I'm going to suggest "cell phone free night" at least once night a week. I'm trying to be creative.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Will you also be giving up your phone?

 

You cannot ask your wife to give up things you would not be willing to do yourself.....and after all...you are the one involved in text messaging with another woman.

 

Maybe you have ignored your wife so long that she has filled her time with farming and trivia.....

 

My bet is if you talk about the kids to begin with....and are truly interested in "her" world....she will be more willing to "share". Make the conversation about HER....not you...you might be surprised how she likes the attention. Remind her why you fell in love with her....and why she is worth the effort.

[MightyPen]

Will you also be giving up your phone?

 

You cannot ask your wife to give up things you would not be willing to do yourself.....and after all...you are the one involved in text messaging with another woman.

 

Maybe you have ignored your wife so long that she has filled her time with farming and trivia.....

 

My bet is if you talk about the kids to begin with....and are truly interested in "her" world....she will be more willing to "share". Make the conversation about HER....not you...you might be surprised how she likes the attention. Remind her why you fell in love with her....and why she is worth the effort.

 

 

Yep I'd love to have a Phone Free Night. I would totally give mine up too.

 

It's not like we never talk. But it's always surface level stuff, what the kids are doing, how our investments are doing, etc., you know the "normal" stuff. It's necessary, but it's not stimulating.

 

Politics. Philosophy. Literature. Global events. Scientific developments. Weird hypothetical questions about ethics and such. The "meaty" stuff - I can't get her to engage me at all. Hell, she could pick the topic as long as it's not fluff.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yep I'd love to have a Phone Free Night. I would totally give mine up too.

 

It's not like we never talk. But it's always surface level stuff, what the kids are doing, how our investments are doing, etc., you know the "normal" stuff. It's necessary, but it's not stimulating.

 

Politics. Philosophy. Literature. Global events. Scientific developments. Weird hypothetical questions about ethics and such. The "meaty" stuff - I can't get her to engage me at all. Hell, she could pick the topic as long as it's not fluff.

 

 

WAIT WAIT WAIT.....

Let's really have a talk here ok.....

 

You cannot possibly talk about all this "stuff"..if you don't have a loving comfortable foundation. First.....here's what i am seeing as a stranger....you are arrogant....you think you are better and more intelligent than your wife....you want to talk heavy stuff...and she just wants to spend time with you and talk about "her" world.

 

Can you see this? If you are condescending to her...if you make her feel like she is dumb...she will never talk about this stuff with you....

 

So let's go back to basics...let's build a foundation of communication and trust.....and maybe we can build from here and talk about politics, literature, philosophy and global events.

[MightyPen]

WAIT WAIT WAIT.....

Let's really have a talk here ok.....

 

You cannot possibly talk about all this "stuff"..if you don't have a loving comfortable foundation. First.....here's what i am seeing as a stranger....you are arrogant....you think you are better and more intelligent than your wife....you want to talk heavy stuff...and she just wants to spend time with you and talk about "her" world.

 

Can you see this? If you are condescending to her...if you make her feel like she is dumb...she will never talk about this stuff with you....

 

So let's go back to basics...let's build a foundation of communication and trust.....and maybe we can build from here and talk about politics, literature, philosophy and global events.

 

 

Yes I can definitely be condescending. I admit that. I have a bad habit of lashing out verbally at people, including her, and cutting them off at the knees.

 

I try not to make her feel dumb, and I am genuinely interested in what she thinks about things, but whenever she gives me a blank look coupled with an, "I don't know" it really frustrates me and causes me to question everything.

[Mrs. John Adams]

she doesn't want to talk about things that are not relevant to her life. Look...she works full time...she takes care of her children....and she just wants to enjoy her down time...i understand the need to wind down....here's the thing....you BOTH want to wind down....but her idea is thoughtless little games....and your idea is to have stimulating conversation.

 

Let me ask you this...do you have a hot tub...or jacuzzi tub? do you enjoy a glass of wine? Do you like massages?

 

Can you find something that the two of you can share at the same time...the gives you both relaxation....and time to BOND?

 

My husband and i from the first day of our marriage.....after dinner...sat in the bathtub together...and talked...about EVERYTHING. Even after the children came....they knew...mom and dad are going to take a bath.

 

It was not the tub....it was the time together.

 

43 years later....after dinner we now go to the hot tub and have a glass of wine.

 

Sometimes we talk about the kids.... sometimes politics, sometime current events...and sometimes...even loveshack.

 

I know you are going through a lot right now....i can hear your head spinning....

 

Go back to basics....recapture the love and interests you shared at the beginning of your relationship.....date your wife again...make her feel special....and in the end....you will win.

[MightyPen]

Mrs. John Adams,

 

 

You gave me a lot to think about. The after dinner mutual soak sounds like a wonderful idea! Congrats to you and your husband for making such an intentional and sustained effort to grab some alone time over the years.

 

I'll go above and beyond this weekend to have fun with her. I'll check back in on Monday. As was stated, my head is spinning and I know I'm in the middle of a very important period in my life. The feedback on this particular thread has been very helpful and constructive.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know you have a lot to process...the one thing i know is this....

She is your first priority....she has to be....and if you put her needs above your own....she will do the same for you....and everybody wins.

 

I see the effort my husband puts into making me feel special....and it makes me love him even more. I never doubt that he loves me...

 

So if you show her the attention...if you make her feel special...you will not have to ask her to put that phone down.

 

She will curl up in your lap.....

[Gloria25]

I learned of my last FWB's "hatred" for Angry Birds. How? That's what he claims all his wife spent her time on (on her phone) - and definitely not spending anytime on him. BTW, after a decade of him putting up with no sex, her abusive/condescending treatment of him, and him trying to "fix" her (she was a victim of childhood abuse) - they are divorced.

 

IMO, "where there's a will, there's a way". I gotta love how most of the responses put the onus on the OP, the male, in the RL to put any work into it. Yes, people have bills, kids, and/or responsibilities, but I bet that if you ask most men if they got married just to have kids and bills w/o sex, affection, a "dolled-up" wife, and/or one-on-one time with their SO (like when they were dating), I bet most men would probably not agree with just marrying to end up celibate and full of kids/bills.

 

I watched ID like a few months ago. This woman, to the step-father of her kids, made Father's Day, literally a "feast". She'd go out to the market, get fresh stuff, have the kids make homemade cards, balloons, etc - cuz she said she wanted her and the kids to show their appreciation for the step-father and the hard work he did so she could stay home and be a mother.

 

Nice to see the OP plans to take into consideration/put into effect some ideas he has/suggestions made to get his wife off the phone and more into putting attention on him - but good luck with that. IMO, if she gave a hoot, she'd put down that telephone w/o him having to beg, plead, ask, plan.

 

I'm a single woman, and at the dinner table, on dates, visiting people - guess where my phone is? Away and/or cut off. Cuz you show proper respect for others and no, this isn't an issue of some celphone "addiction" - cuz trust me, I'm "very" attached to my phone.

[Got it]

Have you actually addressed this issue with her? I mean be to the point about wanting some direct interaction? And as someone, that sounds similar verbally as you, do you actually solicit her opinion or is a more of a debate which you can easily run rickshaw over the other person.

 

Get to know her again, ask her questions but also allow her some decompression time. Sometimes we need to do mindless things. I post here on LS and my poor husband will ask me to pay attention. So everyone is trying to balance things. Cut her some slack there. Try and meet her halfway and be upfront and honest with your thoughts and feelings.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yep, we need to get out! The other night I spoke to her about signing up for Care.com or some other babysitting service because we've been relying on grandparents to give us date nights (with minimal success). She wasn't as excited about it as I had hoped. I'd love to go to plays or concerts or even just dinner and a movie.

 

I would still be very worried about the underlying problem long-term, but I recognize that getting out of the house would be a start.

She sounds like the typical fool you see out at a restaurant or the local tavern who doesn't have the sense to actually COMMUNICATE with the people sitting at her table and instead blindly plays on her phone.

 

If you do manage to get her off the couch and out on a date, insist she leave her damned phone at home. It's completely rude and classless to go out and then sit on your phone like a socially stunted teenager.

[htmshsj]

Just curious about one thing--have you ever had that ability to talk about the "deep stuff" with your wife? Do you guys have comparable levels of education?

 

I'd think that if you guys weren't intellectually compatible then that would've surfaced prior to marriage. Some people just aren't "thinkers" and conversations with them flow accordingly.

 

A couple other questions--do you genuinely like to hear other peoples' point of view? When you learn something new that challenges your worldview, do you embrace it as an opportunity to expand your knowledge or do you get argumentative and need to prove that you're "right." If a discussion always devolves into you pontificating the same opinions that your wife has already heard and knows will never change, then what's the point? I wouldn't blame her for diddling on the phone instead.

[SummerDreams]

First of all the OP has stopped all contact with the OW (who she had only talked to via the internet, never actually met her) so it's pointless to demand from him to start NC with the OW.

 

Second of all, I am happy that you could find the problem and try to solve it. From what I get from you, your wife was always the beautiful, popular girl who didn't have the need to develop any intellectual skills in order to find a SO. You married her because of this, her physical beauty, even her responsible attitude as you said, and at the time you loved it. You haven't talked about other issues in your marriage so she is perfect or near perfect at everything else and this is good for her. You were doing fine for all the years of marriage until a new need was born for you; the intellectual stimulation need, which you sought and found in an online site, thus the OW. You admit you don't want this particular OW, you can fall for any woman who fills this gap you have. The first step is to communicate this matter with your wife. Drop the attitude though, it won't help. I get that you are more intelligent than her in some matters but it's not nice to be rude. Talk to her. Tell her you have discovered this need for intellectual stuff to discuss. Take it from there. Tell her you feel close to her so you want to share this need you have only with her. Do that and tell us what happens.

 

My cousin has the same issue like you do. Her husband is handsome, works a lot to provide for the kids, he is a great father, he is social and makes her laugh, but God he can never be serious. Sometimes this is a good thing cause he deals with everything without that much seriousness, they always have fun in their house, they do things together as a family and so on. But sometimes she feels like screaming when she wants to have a more serious talk and he just doesn't care. His interests are football, cars and horses. Period. That's it. He is not interested in anything else. The world can be destroyed around him but he will just keep his habits. It's really frustrating. But you know what? Nobody is perfect. If in a relationship you lose more than you win, then it's time to leave.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mightypen....you do know that at some point you are going to have to tell her about your on line affair...right?

 

I mean...IF you can mend the lack of communication between the two of you....you cannot move forward without honesty.

 

While she turned to farming and trivia....you turned to a woman who stimulates your mind...and you fantasize about sexually...while doing your wife.

 

So THIS is a problem.....

 

I respect that you are asking for help....and I am hopeful for you....but there is a lot going on in this relationship...that has to be addressed.

 

ps...I think you got your numbers up enough to get those PMS now

[sandylee1]

Maybe she isn't interested in politics or other world affairs. There's no crime in that. I'm not one for those topics either, but I do have my areas of interest.

 

These online games can be terribly addictive, I remember one coworker saying a friend texted her at 3am for some token or something to get to the next level of candy crush.

 

I'm not sure about your wife, but I was sceptical of a total stranger babysitting when my kids were younger. My H is a lot more laid back and thinks I'm putting obstacles in the way if I protested. Those date nights are so important though , because they can form the basis of conversation and keep you focused on each other.

[privategal]

Shes a wife not a theology major...vows said love, honor, chrrish...not be intellectually compatible.

Call your old college buddies and have a guys night to debate these topics.

[MightyPen]

Wow I see a lot of responses since I last posted on Friday. I'll read through them in a sec.

 

I'll repeat that my biggest concern is that intellectual compatibility is #1 on my list. I'm very serious about that. So a question I have is, "Has anyone been happily married in a situation where his/her spouse did not/could not fulfill their #1 need as a person?"

 

"Calling a college buddy" is not going to cut it.

[MightyPen]

Have you actually addressed this issue with her? I mean be to the point about wanting some direct interaction? And as someone, that sounds similar verbally as you, do you actually solicit her opinion or is a more of a debate which you can easily run rickshaw over the other person.

 

 

You sound like a kindred spirit.

 

And yeah, it's a legitimate question. I think I am pretty open-minded and curious about other viewpoints. I'm not trying to "debate" her. I'd kill to have a deep conversation.

 

The more I think about how much I value intelligence and deep thinking, the more I ponder that maybe on some level I don't respect her because of what I view as a fatal deficiency. Crap, I need to think about that more.

[Mrs. John Adams]

your number 1 requirement is intellectual compatibility and stimulating conversation?

 

WOW

 

i hate to tell you...but you better be rethinking this whole scenario....

 

Was this ALWAYS your number one priority? and if it was...what happened that now your wife doesn't meet that requirement anymore?

[MightyPen]

your number 1 requirement is intellectual compatibility and stimulating conversation?

 

WOW

 

i hate to tell you...but you better be rethinking this whole scenario....

 

Was this ALWAYS your number one priority? and if it was...what happened that now your wife doesn't meet that requirement anymore?

 

 

Good morning,

 

And yes it is. I'm being as blunt and honest with myself (and you folks) as I can possibly be.

 

It was vitally important to me through my school years. I think I married her because she was caring and funny and cute and responsible, and for some reason I totally disregarded the problem with lack of intellectual compatibility. But I can't rewrite history. I can only look forward.